Magic for Humans (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Time is Relative - full transcript
Justin turns water into mead at the Renaissance fair and speed-knits a sweater before slowing down to share magical memories with his mother.
♪ Hollywood ♪
[Justin] Life comes at you fast,
which is why I love collecting souvenirs.
Little momentos to remind me of
those treasured moments that matter.
♪ Holly, Hollywood ♪
- Welcome to Hollywood!
- I know, right?
- Having fun?
- Yes!
- I'm Justin.
- Hi Justin.
I'm Tyeshalei.
- Tyeshalei?
- Tyeshalei!
- That's a beautiful name.
- Gotta let it roll.
- How do you spell Tyeshalei? T I--
- No!
T-y-e-s-h-a-l-e-i.
Tyeshalei.
See, having a unique name is lovely.
- Oh yes, like me.
- 'Cause you don't meet many Tyeshaleis.
No, it's only one.
One of a kind. Me.
But I'm sure the drawback is.
It's hard to find
- personalized souvenirs.
- Yeah, like Susan, Steve, Stacy,
- They don't have Tyeshalei, do they?
- boring names.
- No.
- And you gotta have a souvenir, right?
- Yes.
- To remember all the good times.
Memorabilia.
- Right?
- Yes.
- RuPaul is an unique name.
- I love RuPaul!
- I love RuPaul. Right?
- I do.
RuPaul is beautiful!
I love RuPaul, but you wouldn't find
RuPaul on a magnet.
- No.
- That's why RuPaul got famous.
- Right.
- Want me to make you famous?
- Yes!
- I will.
- Okay.
- Okay. Hold on.
- I'm gonna take a boring name,
- Okay.
- and I'll sacrifice myself here.
- Okay.
- For this.
- Okay.
Here.
- Watch the "Justin" here.
- Okay.
- Say your name.
- Tyeshalei.
- Tyeshalei. We have to say it louder.
- Okay.
- Say it louder.
- Tyeshalei!
- Tyeshalei!
- Tyeshalei!
[Tyeshalei screams]
- I'm famous!
- [Tyeshalei giggles]
- How you do that?
- Isn't that good?
Let me see your finger.
- Is this mine?
- Well, it's yours, but--
Oh! We said it too loud.
Oh my God!
[Tyeshalei laughs]
They're all...
- ...Tyeshalei.
- [Tyeshalei laughs]
****!
Oh, wait, wait. Come here.
Look, we said it too loud.
Mama, I made it!
You made it.
- How'd you do that?
- I've gotta get a picture with you.
Wait, yeah! Take a picture. Look, that's
me.
♪ Feelin fine
In Holly--Hollywood ♪
[theme song playing]
[clock ringing]
Time is a mystery to me.
It's one of those things science
hasn't been able to understand yet.
Like déjà vu or man buns.
Or déjà vu.
When I was a kid, it felt like time
dragged on forever.
And now that I'm older,
it feels like there's never enough,
which is probably what they mean
when they say, "Time is relative".
Because how you perceive it depends
entirely on your point of view.
[pulsing electronic beat playing]
[Justin] I've become quite
nostalgic lately.
Going through scrapbooks with my parents
used to be a chore. Now, I relish it.
Birthdays, family trips,
good hair choices.
I love reminiscing about the past.
Dancing with my mom at my wedding
is one of my favorite memories.
But my first memory is the day
I went here.
[regal trumpet fanfare]
[Justin] When I was six, my mom took me
to the Renaissance Fair.
I remember being amazed by the elaborate
costumes, the decadent food,
the impressive display of skill.
[throwing knifes in slow motion]
If I could truly go back in time, I wonder
if I could have made it as a magician
in the actual Renaissance.
What's up? This place is lit.
How's my attire?
It says that thou are middle
to upper class, my lord.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I have a very good tailor.
- You do indeed.
- He's very fast. I call him Tailor Swift.
Alright.
How do you think magicians such as myself
would fare in the Renaissance?
I feel like you might do pretty good.
Or they'd think you were a witch
and that might go bad for you.
That's true. You'd either be
very well-respected
or you'd be burned at the stake
for being a witch.
- It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Well, that's great.
- Have you seen one of these?
- Yes, we have.
A deck of cards of the Bicycle variety.
[both laugh]
- Oh! Whoa!
- [both chuckle]
- Think of a card.
- Okay. I've got one.
- What card are you thinking of?
- The four of spades.
Four of spades.
[blade cuts]
- Whoa!
- One card.
Whoa!
[both laughing in excitement]
That was so cool!
- For you, my friend.
- Oh my gosh! Thank you.
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
[Justin] It seems as though I would have
done quite well in the Renaissance.
I even ran into some fans.
Can you sign the back of the wing?
I would love to sign your dragon.
I shouldn't sign it with a marker.
I should sign it with a quill.
[Justin] Ah, that timeless look of
amazement.
I also found the Renaissance people
love their free food.
What must I eat to complete
my Ren Fair experience?
You've got to have the turkey leg.
The turkey leg's the go-to thing.
Let me show you how magicians
get their free food here.
We can actually just kind of pull it
- Whoah!
- [woman laughing]
just straight out of the sign here.
- Woah!
- Dude, that's so weird.
What!
He took a bite out of it!
[Justin] And a tasty bite it was,
but now I crave something sweet.
And, lucky for me,
there were free honey samples.
I have spicy honey also.
[Justin] A lot of free honey samples. Mmm.
- Have a good day.
- [distorted] Thank you. You too.
[birds tweeting]
Dear Lord! What was in that honey? Are you
guys seeing this or am I tripping out?
[Justin] It might be the honey talking,
but I saw a lot of interesting people
at the Renaissance Fair.
But the coolest people by far
have to be the dragon slayers.
What do I need to know to be a slayer?
You just have to have courage
and the ability to face a dragon.
Well, I'm screwed.
[Slayer laughs]
- Does your entourage need a wizard?
- We could always use a wizard.
- I could be your wizard.
- Obviously you're not a warrior
with that sword so the fact
that you can do magic--
I'll show you.
- Can I borrow this? Is that alright?
- Yes.
- Did they drink water in the Renaissance?
- Absolutely.
- Of course.
- It wasn't quite as clean as that.
In fact, these are my chalices.
- Would you hold that for me?
- Okay.
[slayers laugh]
- Fantastic.
- That worked good, didn't it?
Fantastic.
I'll audition to be a part of the Slayers.
- May I borrow the cup?
- Absolutely.
Question. Name a drink.
Mead.
Mead.
[woman chuckles]
- Mead, my friends!
- What the hell!
Holy ****!
I've heard of water into wine.
Not water into mead.
- Name your drink.
- Wine.
Wine, it is.
- That's mead.
- Check it.
- What the...?
- That's awesome!
- Oh yeah! You can join the Slayers.
- Take a drink. Is it wine?
- He's in!
- I'm in?
You're in. Just by that.
- Can I pour one for you?
- Sure.
For you, my friend!
Water. Taste it.
- That's what he needs, actually.
- Tasty water?
[slayers laughing]
Yeah, that's smart water.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
- To your newest wizard!
- Yes!
Alright.
Watch this!
[Slayers laughing]
And then she made it disappear!
- What's your name?
- Susan.
- Nice to meet you, Susan.
- Nice to meet you as well.
- Do you know what time it is?
- Around 10:00--
It's time for Magic for Susans!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
Susan, I have four Queens
from a deck of cards.
- Okay.,
- There's clubs, hearts, diamonds, spades.
- Okay.
- Name any one of the Queens.
- Erm... Hearts.
- Queen of hearts?
- Yes.
- That's amazing
because that's the only one
I turned the other way.
- Wow!
- You know, what else is amazing
is it's the only one from
a different deck of cards.
What else is amazing is
it's the only one I brought.
Wow! Oh my gosh! That's impressive. Wow!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
[scattered applause]
[Justin] Time is our most
precious resource.
It's important not to waste it
on tedious tasks.
That's why I'm obsessed with life hacks.
Here's a life hack for you:
did you know you can put a binder clip
on your toothpaste?
You can squeeze a little more out.
But did you know,
that if you heat it with a lighter,
you never have to buy toothpaste again?
What the **** is happening right now?
[voice] Hacked!
We all know that you can use milk
to remove Sharpie from furniture, right?
But did you also know
that you can use milk to...
...remove Sharpie from existence?
- [Justin sighs in relief]
- Life hacks.
[woman laughing]
[voice] Hacked!
Would you guys take off your rings?
- Okay.
- Here you go.
Would you hold that?
- Very beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
Everyone knows that if your wedding rings
beginning to lose its shine,
you can put it in Windex,
but if your marriage
is beginning to lose its shine,
put it in bleach. And then,
[Felix Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]
- you've been married forever.
- What the ****?
Wait! What the ****? Wait! No! No! No!
Bro, is this stuck?
No! Get this...
["Wedding March" continues]
Oh my God.
[voice] Hacked!
[Justin] Thanks to my time-saving life
hacks, I can finally take up a new hobby.
Welcome to the time-consuming world
of knitting.
- Audrey, what does knitting do for you?
- I love making things.
I love that you can then wear them.
I love that you can give them away.
I think it's our magic, that you can take
string and all of a sudden,
you know, it becomes something.
It becomes a thing.
No, don't do that. I'm suffering.
[women laugh]
No. This is what I was going for.
This is good. I'm done.
- How'd I do?
- I love it.
If that's what you were going for,
you hit it.
- I want to make something for my son.
- Oh, like a bumblebee?
- That'd be cute.
- That's what I was thinking too.
Yellow, some black.
[women] OK.
- Oh, oh my!
- Yikes.
- Oh!
- Very nice.
Oh!
[women laughing]
- That's awesome!
- Well, that's adorable.
Aw! It's a tiny bumblebee!
Buzz off, bee! Alright.
[Justin] Knitting is slow.
Each stitch is like the tick of a clock.
It's also boring and in desperate need
of a re-brand.
- Knitting is so relaxing.
- It is.
The kids these days, they don't have much
of an attention span.
I think if you want it to appeal
to the young generation
that you make it more extreme.
- Extreme?
- Okay.
Extreme!
Question: what's the biggest downside
with knitting?
Time.
Time. It takes too long.
What if I told you I had a method of
knitting a sweater
in 200-400 milliseconds?
- No.
- That's not possible.
- Give me a base color.
- I like that taupe over there.
- Yeah. There you go.
- Okay.
- Give me an accent color.
- I'm always a fan of pink.
Pink. Okay.
Just mix that in.
- Powder blue.
- Blue. Okay.
- I really love red.
- Which red?
The Passion red.
- [sexy saxophone instrumental]
- Oh yeah!
Okay. Calm down.
[women laugh]
This will make a nice sweater?
- I think I'd have to see it.
- Okay.
I dig it. Audrey, would you
hold on to that?
Now, you should know,
this technique involves a very
unique device
not approved for retail.
Behold,
the Yarn Blaster 5000.
Nice. Okay.
Audrey, load the yarn.
Fantastic.
[action music playing]
Oh!
Mind standing over there for me?
- Are you ready Audrey?
- Sure.
Oh! Oh!
Here we go. This is Extreme Knitting!
Three...
two...
one...
fire!
- Yes!
- Wow!
Yes!
[women laugh and clap]
Nailed it!
- I need to get me one of these.
- No.
Look at that.
- Wow!
- Audrey, it's a perfect fit.
- Wow!
- Oh my God!
[women murmuring in excitement]
Just even the ends.
I had no idea I was that good.
[laugh]
I knew.
What's up?
- How are you?
- I'm good.
- I'm Susan. What's your name?
- I'm... Susan.
Magic for Susans!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
My name's not actually Susan. It's Justin.
Do you know who
my favorite musical artist is?
- Who?
- Alanis Morissette.
And you know that song with the lyric
that says I have one hand in my pocket?
- Yes.
- And the other hand is doing a card trick?
I'm going to bring that lyric to life.
I have a deck of cards here, Susan.
And I'm going to do this trick one-handed.
One hand in my pocket other hand
doing a card trick.
- Cool.
- Just peek at any card. Memorize it.
Don't forget it. You got it?
- Yes.
- Fantastic.
I'm going to attempt to read your mind.
- Jack of clubs, I believe, right?
- Yes.
It is so weird. Take the deck.
Go through it.
You'll see that the Jack of Clubs isn't
in there. Spread through them.
- Spread through them?
- Yeah.
- What? What?
- There's no Jack of Clubs.
Do you know where it is?
It's where Alanis said it would be.
Right here...
in my pocket.
- This is weird!
- [Susan laughs]
- It's so weird!
- It's ironic...
- don't you think?
- Yeah.
[voices] Magic for Susans!
[scattered applause]
[Justin] When I was a kid, I made
fortune-tellers to predict the future,
but why tell someone their fortune
when you can give it to them?
- How's it going, man?
- Good.
- Who's this little guy?
- This is Mason.
Hi, Mason! Mason, do you remember these
from when you were a kid?
When you had your whole life ahead of you?
Remember these from when you were a kid?
- I remember that.
- Fortune-tellers, right?
What would you ask it?
What was the kind of stuff you would do?
Because I used it in elementary school,
I was always like, "Does Joey like me?"
- [woman chuckles]
- Well does he?
I found out through the fortune-teller.
This is not a fortune-teller.
This is a fortune-giver.
Okay.
Instead of having to wait to see
if a fortune comes true,
it actually makes it true.
You can ask it anything. What question
do you want to ask the fortune-giver?
- What will I eat for dinner?
- Alright. What will she eat for dinner?
Oh my God!
[woman chuckles in excitement]
- Sushi!
- I love sushi so much!
Like I said, it is a fortune-giver,
so it actually...
Shut up!
Here are some chopsticks. Pull them out
and crack them open.
No! Oh my God!
Actually, if you look right in there...
Bon appétit.
Oh my God!
Do you want to ask it a question?
Will my next date go well?
Will his next date go well?
- Well, there you go.
- Oh, buddy!
That's horrible.
It's not just a fortune-teller,
it's a fortune-giver.
- Lotion.
- Are you kidding me?
[men laughing]
There's more.
[smooth, sexy instrumental playing]
- Ask it any question.
- Will I ever have kids?
"Will I ever have kids".
Do you want to have kids?
- Yeah. Just not now.
- Not now?
Okay, let's see.
Will she ever have kids?
Hmm. It doesn't seem to be working.
Apparently it says yes,
you will. In fact...
now you do. That's your son.
Hi, Mom. Can I have $20?
Have a good life, you two.
Look at this. Do you remember
when I had two broken arms?
I was driving up the street exactly
at the time it happened.
I was laying on the ground
with a bone sticking out of my left arm.
You passed us.
You even saw three of my friends
desperately looking for help.
I didn't want to embarrass you
in front of your girlfriends.
You'd already embarrassed yourself.
[Justin chuckles]
[Justin] Recently, these trips
down memory lane with my parents
have become more important than ever,
because a few years ago my mom
was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
My mom was always my biggest fan.
[Mom] Let me get a shot of you
in this thing. Turn around.
Look at our champ!
[Justin] She's given me memories
I'll cherish for the rest of my life.
But now that time is of the essence,
my sister and I are racing to create
as many new memories as possible.
You're my sweetheart.
You're my sweetheart.
[Justin's mom laughs]
- Does she look pretty?
- Did mom get her make up done?
Yeah. Dad did too.
Well, you look beautiful, Dad.
[Justin]
Our memories define who we are.
And as hers vanish,
it can feel like the person she was
is slowly slipping away.
This is us backstage, Mama. That's you.
- Come on!
- And that's me.
- Come on!
- Yeah.
- Let me check that.
- And I think that's-
- I don't think so.
- Yeah.
That is Mom.
[Justin] So we try our best to surround
my mom
with the things that always brought
her joy...
- Hi, Dude.
- Yeah!
[Justin] ...in hopes that we can hold on
to her for just a little while longer.
This is this music box
that you used to use
to play lullabies at night.
[melody playing]
You were trying to get me to go to sleep.
You would play different songs.
Listen to this. Listen.
♪ ...star. How I wonder ♪
♪ What you are ♪
Right.
Is it sad that this is the only instrument
I still know how to play?
I don't know.
Remember this show?
This is when I opened for Jason Mraz.
- You love his music, don't you?
- Yeah.
What's your favorite song of his?
- No, I don't remember.
- I think it was "I'm Yours."
Oh, it could be.
♪ I'm yours ♪
Do you remember that one?
We danced to it at my wedding.
Can I show you something with this?
Watch this ticket, are you ready?
Tell me if you see the holes appear.
[both chuckle]
I can do better. Do you want to see
better? I'm going to do better.
Do you see the three holes? Watch.
Did you see the holes on both sides?
Now, you've got more of them.
That's a lot of them.
Uh huh.
I can do better. Let me use
the other one. Watch, Mama?
Watch this ticket. Ready?
[slow melody playing]
See all of the holes?
- Is that cool? Yeah?
- That's good.
Watch.
See if I can connect these tickets again.
Watch.
Watch what this ticket does now.
[melody playing over instrument]
♪ no more ♪
♪ this can not wait ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
[both chuckle]
Yeah! I love that song.
Love you, Mama.
[both laughing]
[Justin] Time is a fickle thing.
It can be your friend
or it can be your enemy.
I used to spend so much of it
obsessing about the past
or worrying about the future.
But the only time that matters
is right now.
This present moment is
all we ever have.
Today, I'm grateful to have it.
♪ I won't hesitate ♪
♪ No more
No more ♪
♪ It cannot wait ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
Absolutely.
[Justin] Life comes at you fast,
which is why I love collecting souvenirs.
Little momentos to remind me of
those treasured moments that matter.
♪ Holly, Hollywood ♪
- Welcome to Hollywood!
- I know, right?
- Having fun?
- Yes!
- I'm Justin.
- Hi Justin.
I'm Tyeshalei.
- Tyeshalei?
- Tyeshalei!
- That's a beautiful name.
- Gotta let it roll.
- How do you spell Tyeshalei? T I--
- No!
T-y-e-s-h-a-l-e-i.
Tyeshalei.
See, having a unique name is lovely.
- Oh yes, like me.
- 'Cause you don't meet many Tyeshaleis.
No, it's only one.
One of a kind. Me.
But I'm sure the drawback is.
It's hard to find
- personalized souvenirs.
- Yeah, like Susan, Steve, Stacy,
- They don't have Tyeshalei, do they?
- boring names.
- No.
- And you gotta have a souvenir, right?
- Yes.
- To remember all the good times.
Memorabilia.
- Right?
- Yes.
- RuPaul is an unique name.
- I love RuPaul!
- I love RuPaul. Right?
- I do.
RuPaul is beautiful!
I love RuPaul, but you wouldn't find
RuPaul on a magnet.
- No.
- That's why RuPaul got famous.
- Right.
- Want me to make you famous?
- Yes!
- I will.
- Okay.
- Okay. Hold on.
- I'm gonna take a boring name,
- Okay.
- and I'll sacrifice myself here.
- Okay.
- For this.
- Okay.
Here.
- Watch the "Justin" here.
- Okay.
- Say your name.
- Tyeshalei.
- Tyeshalei. We have to say it louder.
- Okay.
- Say it louder.
- Tyeshalei!
- Tyeshalei!
- Tyeshalei!
[Tyeshalei screams]
- I'm famous!
- [Tyeshalei giggles]
- How you do that?
- Isn't that good?
Let me see your finger.
- Is this mine?
- Well, it's yours, but--
Oh! We said it too loud.
Oh my God!
[Tyeshalei laughs]
They're all...
- ...Tyeshalei.
- [Tyeshalei laughs]
****!
Oh, wait, wait. Come here.
Look, we said it too loud.
Mama, I made it!
You made it.
- How'd you do that?
- I've gotta get a picture with you.
Wait, yeah! Take a picture. Look, that's
me.
♪ Feelin fine
In Holly--Hollywood ♪
[theme song playing]
[clock ringing]
Time is a mystery to me.
It's one of those things science
hasn't been able to understand yet.
Like déjà vu or man buns.
Or déjà vu.
When I was a kid, it felt like time
dragged on forever.
And now that I'm older,
it feels like there's never enough,
which is probably what they mean
when they say, "Time is relative".
Because how you perceive it depends
entirely on your point of view.
[pulsing electronic beat playing]
[Justin] I've become quite
nostalgic lately.
Going through scrapbooks with my parents
used to be a chore. Now, I relish it.
Birthdays, family trips,
good hair choices.
I love reminiscing about the past.
Dancing with my mom at my wedding
is one of my favorite memories.
But my first memory is the day
I went here.
[regal trumpet fanfare]
[Justin] When I was six, my mom took me
to the Renaissance Fair.
I remember being amazed by the elaborate
costumes, the decadent food,
the impressive display of skill.
[throwing knifes in slow motion]
If I could truly go back in time, I wonder
if I could have made it as a magician
in the actual Renaissance.
What's up? This place is lit.
How's my attire?
It says that thou are middle
to upper class, my lord.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I have a very good tailor.
- You do indeed.
- He's very fast. I call him Tailor Swift.
Alright.
How do you think magicians such as myself
would fare in the Renaissance?
I feel like you might do pretty good.
Or they'd think you were a witch
and that might go bad for you.
That's true. You'd either be
very well-respected
or you'd be burned at the stake
for being a witch.
- It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Well, that's great.
- Have you seen one of these?
- Yes, we have.
A deck of cards of the Bicycle variety.
[both laugh]
- Oh! Whoa!
- [both chuckle]
- Think of a card.
- Okay. I've got one.
- What card are you thinking of?
- The four of spades.
Four of spades.
[blade cuts]
- Whoa!
- One card.
Whoa!
[both laughing in excitement]
That was so cool!
- For you, my friend.
- Oh my gosh! Thank you.
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
[Justin] It seems as though I would have
done quite well in the Renaissance.
I even ran into some fans.
Can you sign the back of the wing?
I would love to sign your dragon.
I shouldn't sign it with a marker.
I should sign it with a quill.
[Justin] Ah, that timeless look of
amazement.
I also found the Renaissance people
love their free food.
What must I eat to complete
my Ren Fair experience?
You've got to have the turkey leg.
The turkey leg's the go-to thing.
Let me show you how magicians
get their free food here.
We can actually just kind of pull it
- Whoah!
- [woman laughing]
just straight out of the sign here.
- Woah!
- Dude, that's so weird.
What!
He took a bite out of it!
[Justin] And a tasty bite it was,
but now I crave something sweet.
And, lucky for me,
there were free honey samples.
I have spicy honey also.
[Justin] A lot of free honey samples. Mmm.
- Have a good day.
- [distorted] Thank you. You too.
[birds tweeting]
Dear Lord! What was in that honey? Are you
guys seeing this or am I tripping out?
[Justin] It might be the honey talking,
but I saw a lot of interesting people
at the Renaissance Fair.
But the coolest people by far
have to be the dragon slayers.
What do I need to know to be a slayer?
You just have to have courage
and the ability to face a dragon.
Well, I'm screwed.
[Slayer laughs]
- Does your entourage need a wizard?
- We could always use a wizard.
- I could be your wizard.
- Obviously you're not a warrior
with that sword so the fact
that you can do magic--
I'll show you.
- Can I borrow this? Is that alright?
- Yes.
- Did they drink water in the Renaissance?
- Absolutely.
- Of course.
- It wasn't quite as clean as that.
In fact, these are my chalices.
- Would you hold that for me?
- Okay.
[slayers laugh]
- Fantastic.
- That worked good, didn't it?
Fantastic.
I'll audition to be a part of the Slayers.
- May I borrow the cup?
- Absolutely.
Question. Name a drink.
Mead.
Mead.
[woman chuckles]
- Mead, my friends!
- What the hell!
Holy ****!
I've heard of water into wine.
Not water into mead.
- Name your drink.
- Wine.
Wine, it is.
- That's mead.
- Check it.
- What the...?
- That's awesome!
- Oh yeah! You can join the Slayers.
- Take a drink. Is it wine?
- He's in!
- I'm in?
You're in. Just by that.
- Can I pour one for you?
- Sure.
For you, my friend!
Water. Taste it.
- That's what he needs, actually.
- Tasty water?
[slayers laughing]
Yeah, that's smart water.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
- To your newest wizard!
- Yes!
Alright.
Watch this!
[Slayers laughing]
And then she made it disappear!
- What's your name?
- Susan.
- Nice to meet you, Susan.
- Nice to meet you as well.
- Do you know what time it is?
- Around 10:00--
It's time for Magic for Susans!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
Susan, I have four Queens
from a deck of cards.
- Okay.,
- There's clubs, hearts, diamonds, spades.
- Okay.
- Name any one of the Queens.
- Erm... Hearts.
- Queen of hearts?
- Yes.
- That's amazing
because that's the only one
I turned the other way.
- Wow!
- You know, what else is amazing
is it's the only one from
a different deck of cards.
What else is amazing is
it's the only one I brought.
Wow! Oh my gosh! That's impressive. Wow!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
[scattered applause]
[Justin] Time is our most
precious resource.
It's important not to waste it
on tedious tasks.
That's why I'm obsessed with life hacks.
Here's a life hack for you:
did you know you can put a binder clip
on your toothpaste?
You can squeeze a little more out.
But did you know,
that if you heat it with a lighter,
you never have to buy toothpaste again?
What the **** is happening right now?
[voice] Hacked!
We all know that you can use milk
to remove Sharpie from furniture, right?
But did you also know
that you can use milk to...
...remove Sharpie from existence?
- [Justin sighs in relief]
- Life hacks.
[woman laughing]
[voice] Hacked!
Would you guys take off your rings?
- Okay.
- Here you go.
Would you hold that?
- Very beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
Everyone knows that if your wedding rings
beginning to lose its shine,
you can put it in Windex,
but if your marriage
is beginning to lose its shine,
put it in bleach. And then,
[Felix Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]
- you've been married forever.
- What the ****?
Wait! What the ****? Wait! No! No! No!
Bro, is this stuck?
No! Get this...
["Wedding March" continues]
Oh my God.
[voice] Hacked!
[Justin] Thanks to my time-saving life
hacks, I can finally take up a new hobby.
Welcome to the time-consuming world
of knitting.
- Audrey, what does knitting do for you?
- I love making things.
I love that you can then wear them.
I love that you can give them away.
I think it's our magic, that you can take
string and all of a sudden,
you know, it becomes something.
It becomes a thing.
No, don't do that. I'm suffering.
[women laugh]
No. This is what I was going for.
This is good. I'm done.
- How'd I do?
- I love it.
If that's what you were going for,
you hit it.
- I want to make something for my son.
- Oh, like a bumblebee?
- That'd be cute.
- That's what I was thinking too.
Yellow, some black.
[women] OK.
- Oh, oh my!
- Yikes.
- Oh!
- Very nice.
Oh!
[women laughing]
- That's awesome!
- Well, that's adorable.
Aw! It's a tiny bumblebee!
Buzz off, bee! Alright.
[Justin] Knitting is slow.
Each stitch is like the tick of a clock.
It's also boring and in desperate need
of a re-brand.
- Knitting is so relaxing.
- It is.
The kids these days, they don't have much
of an attention span.
I think if you want it to appeal
to the young generation
that you make it more extreme.
- Extreme?
- Okay.
Extreme!
Question: what's the biggest downside
with knitting?
Time.
Time. It takes too long.
What if I told you I had a method of
knitting a sweater
in 200-400 milliseconds?
- No.
- That's not possible.
- Give me a base color.
- I like that taupe over there.
- Yeah. There you go.
- Okay.
- Give me an accent color.
- I'm always a fan of pink.
Pink. Okay.
Just mix that in.
- Powder blue.
- Blue. Okay.
- I really love red.
- Which red?
The Passion red.
- [sexy saxophone instrumental]
- Oh yeah!
Okay. Calm down.
[women laugh]
This will make a nice sweater?
- I think I'd have to see it.
- Okay.
I dig it. Audrey, would you
hold on to that?
Now, you should know,
this technique involves a very
unique device
not approved for retail.
Behold,
the Yarn Blaster 5000.
Nice. Okay.
Audrey, load the yarn.
Fantastic.
[action music playing]
Oh!
Mind standing over there for me?
- Are you ready Audrey?
- Sure.
Oh! Oh!
Here we go. This is Extreme Knitting!
Three...
two...
one...
fire!
- Yes!
- Wow!
Yes!
[women laugh and clap]
Nailed it!
- I need to get me one of these.
- No.
Look at that.
- Wow!
- Audrey, it's a perfect fit.
- Wow!
- Oh my God!
[women murmuring in excitement]
Just even the ends.
I had no idea I was that good.
[laugh]
I knew.
What's up?
- How are you?
- I'm good.
- I'm Susan. What's your name?
- I'm... Susan.
Magic for Susans!
[voices] Magic for Susans!
My name's not actually Susan. It's Justin.
Do you know who
my favorite musical artist is?
- Who?
- Alanis Morissette.
And you know that song with the lyric
that says I have one hand in my pocket?
- Yes.
- And the other hand is doing a card trick?
I'm going to bring that lyric to life.
I have a deck of cards here, Susan.
And I'm going to do this trick one-handed.
One hand in my pocket other hand
doing a card trick.
- Cool.
- Just peek at any card. Memorize it.
Don't forget it. You got it?
- Yes.
- Fantastic.
I'm going to attempt to read your mind.
- Jack of clubs, I believe, right?
- Yes.
It is so weird. Take the deck.
Go through it.
You'll see that the Jack of Clubs isn't
in there. Spread through them.
- Spread through them?
- Yeah.
- What? What?
- There's no Jack of Clubs.
Do you know where it is?
It's where Alanis said it would be.
Right here...
in my pocket.
- This is weird!
- [Susan laughs]
- It's so weird!
- It's ironic...
- don't you think?
- Yeah.
[voices] Magic for Susans!
[scattered applause]
[Justin] When I was a kid, I made
fortune-tellers to predict the future,
but why tell someone their fortune
when you can give it to them?
- How's it going, man?
- Good.
- Who's this little guy?
- This is Mason.
Hi, Mason! Mason, do you remember these
from when you were a kid?
When you had your whole life ahead of you?
Remember these from when you were a kid?
- I remember that.
- Fortune-tellers, right?
What would you ask it?
What was the kind of stuff you would do?
Because I used it in elementary school,
I was always like, "Does Joey like me?"
- [woman chuckles]
- Well does he?
I found out through the fortune-teller.
This is not a fortune-teller.
This is a fortune-giver.
Okay.
Instead of having to wait to see
if a fortune comes true,
it actually makes it true.
You can ask it anything. What question
do you want to ask the fortune-giver?
- What will I eat for dinner?
- Alright. What will she eat for dinner?
Oh my God!
[woman chuckles in excitement]
- Sushi!
- I love sushi so much!
Like I said, it is a fortune-giver,
so it actually...
Shut up!
Here are some chopsticks. Pull them out
and crack them open.
No! Oh my God!
Actually, if you look right in there...
Bon appétit.
Oh my God!
Do you want to ask it a question?
Will my next date go well?
Will his next date go well?
- Well, there you go.
- Oh, buddy!
That's horrible.
It's not just a fortune-teller,
it's a fortune-giver.
- Lotion.
- Are you kidding me?
[men laughing]
There's more.
[smooth, sexy instrumental playing]
- Ask it any question.
- Will I ever have kids?
"Will I ever have kids".
Do you want to have kids?
- Yeah. Just not now.
- Not now?
Okay, let's see.
Will she ever have kids?
Hmm. It doesn't seem to be working.
Apparently it says yes,
you will. In fact...
now you do. That's your son.
Hi, Mom. Can I have $20?
Have a good life, you two.
Look at this. Do you remember
when I had two broken arms?
I was driving up the street exactly
at the time it happened.
I was laying on the ground
with a bone sticking out of my left arm.
You passed us.
You even saw three of my friends
desperately looking for help.
I didn't want to embarrass you
in front of your girlfriends.
You'd already embarrassed yourself.
[Justin chuckles]
[Justin] Recently, these trips
down memory lane with my parents
have become more important than ever,
because a few years ago my mom
was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
My mom was always my biggest fan.
[Mom] Let me get a shot of you
in this thing. Turn around.
Look at our champ!
[Justin] She's given me memories
I'll cherish for the rest of my life.
But now that time is of the essence,
my sister and I are racing to create
as many new memories as possible.
You're my sweetheart.
You're my sweetheart.
[Justin's mom laughs]
- Does she look pretty?
- Did mom get her make up done?
Yeah. Dad did too.
Well, you look beautiful, Dad.
[Justin]
Our memories define who we are.
And as hers vanish,
it can feel like the person she was
is slowly slipping away.
This is us backstage, Mama. That's you.
- Come on!
- And that's me.
- Come on!
- Yeah.
- Let me check that.
- And I think that's-
- I don't think so.
- Yeah.
That is Mom.
[Justin] So we try our best to surround
my mom
with the things that always brought
her joy...
- Hi, Dude.
- Yeah!
[Justin] ...in hopes that we can hold on
to her for just a little while longer.
This is this music box
that you used to use
to play lullabies at night.
[melody playing]
You were trying to get me to go to sleep.
You would play different songs.
Listen to this. Listen.
♪ ...star. How I wonder ♪
♪ What you are ♪
Right.
Is it sad that this is the only instrument
I still know how to play?
I don't know.
Remember this show?
This is when I opened for Jason Mraz.
- You love his music, don't you?
- Yeah.
What's your favorite song of his?
- No, I don't remember.
- I think it was "I'm Yours."
Oh, it could be.
♪ I'm yours ♪
Do you remember that one?
We danced to it at my wedding.
Can I show you something with this?
Watch this ticket, are you ready?
Tell me if you see the holes appear.
[both chuckle]
I can do better. Do you want to see
better? I'm going to do better.
Do you see the three holes? Watch.
Did you see the holes on both sides?
Now, you've got more of them.
That's a lot of them.
Uh huh.
I can do better. Let me use
the other one. Watch, Mama?
Watch this ticket. Ready?
[slow melody playing]
See all of the holes?
- Is that cool? Yeah?
- That's good.
Watch.
See if I can connect these tickets again.
Watch.
Watch what this ticket does now.
[melody playing over instrument]
♪ no more ♪
♪ this can not wait ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
[both chuckle]
Yeah! I love that song.
Love you, Mama.
[both laughing]
[Justin] Time is a fickle thing.
It can be your friend
or it can be your enemy.
I used to spend so much of it
obsessing about the past
or worrying about the future.
But the only time that matters
is right now.
This present moment is
all we ever have.
Today, I'm grateful to have it.
♪ I won't hesitate ♪
♪ No more
No more ♪
♪ It cannot wait ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
Absolutely.