Maggie (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
♪ Jazz music playing ♪
♪
[laughter]
♪
♪ Los Angeles ♪
♪ Give me a miracle ♪
WOMAN: Okay. Who
should go first?
- Okay.
- You or me?
- You, you, you, you.
- You? Me?
- Okay.
Let's begin.
Oh, I'm seeing a romance.
- This is going to be so fun.
- Ah. From your past.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- I'm seeing the initials JM
monogrammed on his pillowcases
and his denim beanbag chair.
- Are you kidding me?
You slept with Jason? Our
wedding is in two weeks.
- What? No, this lady's crazy.
Danielle, wait, wait.
He didn't even
take his belt off.
It was all zipper stuff.
[screams]
Okay. How did you know that?
- I'm a psychic. I see things.
But the good news is
you're no longer going
to a destination wedding
over Thanksgiving.
- Hmm.
♪ Woo ♪
♪ Love, where does it go? ♪
♪ And do you wake up ♪
♪ Without any control? ♪
- Well.
There you are.
- Uh, do I... do I know you?
- No, it's just my line.
I say "there you are," and then I never
stop pretending to know the person.
So how's your mom?
I haven't seen her
at mahjong lately.
- [snaps fingers] Nice.
Uh, yeah, look,
I'd love to chat,
but I'm just kind of
petting this dog right now.
- I totally got it.
- It's not the best time.
- I got you.
- Yeah.
- My friend just found
out our other friend slept
with her fiancé, so, you know,
I figured I'd mingle,
meet some new people.
- Oh, well, what about that
guy trying to kick his way
out of a wedgie?
He seems like your type.
- Oh, he's very cool.
I actually thought the party
psychic was pretty cool, too.
- Oh, let me just
save you some time.
I'm not a relationship person.
- Right.
- Yeah, I just don't do it.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Too hard when you can
see how someone dies.
Or how long their eyebrow hair
gets before that happens...
True story.
Enjoy the party.
- So, wait, let
me get this right.
You know how I'm going to die,
and you're not going to tell me.
That's basically murder.
You're a murderer.
♪
So...
kind of big news.
I met the wedgie guy and
his name is, get this,
Jason Jennifer Leigh.
How wild is that, huh?
- Thank you for that.
Um, but I'm supposed to
be working right now.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know what you need?
- Random guys not to ask me that.
- Nope.
Tequila shots?
- No, thanks.
I am not looking to go through the
Wendy's drive-thru on foot tonight.
Also, that chair
is only for people
who've signed up for a reading.
- Really?
- Yeah. So...
- I missed my chance.
Unless I can grab
that pen from you.
May I?
May I?
- Okay.
- Benjamin
Julio Morales.
- Okay, you don't
actually have to sign up.
Are you doing the reading or...
- No.
- Just put your hands on the table.
- Yeah. Got it.
- Okay.
- Wow.
You're, like, really
good at holding hands.
- Don't flatter yourself, okay.
The closer I am to your
energy, the clearer my vision.
It helps the reading.
- Do your hands always sweat
like this or is it just me?
- Please stop talking.
- Got it.
You know, I always thought
I was a little psychic.
- Hmm.
- I was sure by now I
was going to fall in love
and have a kid with a wife
who already hates the
way that I eat bananas.
I eat it with a fork and knife.
- So I'm going to start
with or without you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's begin.
♪
Oh, this is shocking.
But you will fall in love.
[chuckles]
It's going to be unlike anything
you've ever experienced.
There will be road trips
where you should really
keep your eyes on the road.
And fresh starts.
Oh no. Questionable
fashion choices.
And questionable
places to eat dinner.
♪ There's no place to run ♪
Fun.
A lot of fun.
She's going to be
the one you wanted.
There'll be a wedding.
And a family.
♪ Engines won't turn and
the train won't leave ♪
♪ I will stay with you tonight ♪
[gasps]
- You okay?
- Excuse me.
♪
MAN: Mm. Mm.
You sure it was
you in the vision?
- Angel, it was definitely me.
I'm not supposed to
see my own future.
That's never happened before.
- Well, it's rare, but
there's always a chance
of giving a reading to somebody
whose life you're
meant to be in one day.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh...
- This is a happy thing, isn't
it? Why are you fighting that?
- Angel, you have been my psychic
since I was in seventh grade.
- Bitch, don't age me like that.
- Okay, so you know why.
Relationships have
been impossible for me.
I closed myself off.
I didn't plan on
opening myself up again.
So this vision of me
as a wife and a mother,
it doesn't make sense.
- Maggie, the future's
not meant to make sense.
It's just meant to happen.
You need to stop trying
to outsmart your life.
Learn to live in the
moment, like I do.
- You know, that's
basically a pipe bomb
for your intestines, right?
- Yes, Maggie, but
not in the moment.
- Mm-mm.
- Give this boy a chance.
- I don't even have
his number. So...
- You know as well as I do
that the future always shows up
whether you want it to or not.
Oh.
Speaking of, the
future is coming.
Oh, a little future
may already be here.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Don't get mad, Maggie.
I just want to ask a question.
- No, Mom,
L-O-L does not
mean lots of love.
And you should stop
sending that to friends
whose spouses have died.
- Mm-hmm.
- What I was going to ask is
are you dating anyone?
Also, what is an acai berry?
Do they work? And can you show
me how to buy one on my iPad?
- You want to order a single
berry off the internet?
- See? I knew she'd be mad.
- No, I'm not mad. I just
don't like being probed.
- Well, it's not fair
that you get to look
into everyone else's life.
I can't look into
my only child's.
- Well, Dad can't look into
my life, and he doesn't care.
- Unless you're dead
or out of money,
I don't want to know.
- Pow. MARIA: That's fun.
You guys have a secret
family handshake.
- Don't be upset. Dating is
just a losing game for me.
- So you're just going
to be alone forever?
Like our weird tenant who
welcomes bees into the duplex?
He sleeps with bees, Maggie.
- Oh my god, I know. And
they're not even honeybees.
I have no idea what he gets
out of that relationship.
- Bees? No, no, no, no, no.
Those are pets.
We don't allow pets in our
lease agreements. Uh-uh.
- Mom, look, I'm fine.
I'm fine being alone.
And acai berries
are a total scam.
- Oh, I knew it.
Well, they're not getting
a dollar out of me.
I don't care what she
said, I'm buying these.
- Great, honey. Well,
let's get them and go
because I think our favorite
bagger is about to go off duty.
- [gasps] Carla!
- That's not her name.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Can't fool this lady.
- Not gonna.
- Can you just try to put
yourself out there, honey?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Who wants charcoal ice cream?
The man at the Sundial
store makes it himself.
- JACK AND MAGGIE: No.
- Maggie? What are
you doing here?
Is this an intervention?
- What? No. Why?
- You never come
to my yoga class.
Also, I drink while
I teach sometimes.
But, you know,
like in a fun way.
- Ohh. Yeah.
Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just trying
to overthink less
and live in the moment more.
Thought yoga might help.
- Since when are you open
to trying new things?
- Since I saw
myself in a vision.
I was married, with a kid.
- No way!
- Yeah.
- But you have to, like, talk
to people to get married.
- Also, you might like having a kid.
They get you out of going to parties.
- Not kids' parties. And
those are the worst kind.
- That's true.
- So how does this work?
It's like Twister,
right? Except religious.
- Okay, you're embarrassing me.
Use a mat, not a towel.
And take off your shoes, please.
- Oh.
- Yeah, actually,
just give those to me.
They're awful. I'm
going to burn them.
- Here you go.
- Oh, hi.
Welcome. Love your energy.
You can put your mat
just closer to mine.
I'm Louise, by the way.
[cell phone chiming]
Oh! Remember that DUI
attorney I told you about?
- Glenn with two N's?
- Yes.
Like the actress.
It's not weird, okay.
- It's weird.
- He just texted me asking to
meet him at Bar Stanley tonight.
- Hey, Glenn!
- I know.
I think this is the
night I open his fridge
and see what kind of
meat he's got in there.
I bet it's kosher.
[sobbing] [toilet flushes]
[blows nose]
Oh no. What is that look?
- Lou, we have a deal.
I can't tell you who
your soulmate is,
and you can't date my hot uncle.
- And I get nothing
from that deal.
- You get to not spend the
weekend at police auctions
trying to get his jet ski back.
- Can you at least come
to the bar with me tonight
and just tell me if
Glenn is a serial killer
or worse, bad in bed?
- His name is
Glenn with two N's.
That's proof he doesn't
know when to finish.
Fine. Okay. Okay, I'll come.
- Yay!
I'm going to try
out my new mascara.
[sobbing] [toilet flushes]
When Glenn said that he wanted to
spend more time exploring Orlando,
I didn't know that he was
talking about his boyfriend.
- Yeah.
[blowing nose]
- I just want to go home.
- Oh. Why don't we go to my house
and look up guys from high school
to see if they ended up marrying
women that look like their moms?
I have a good feeling
about Oscar Saltarelli.
- Do you have any soft cheeses?
- I have got a 2017
Boursin spreadable...
- Speak English and
be serious, okay.
I can't take any more
lies tonight, Maggie.
- Excuse me, Lou.
What is the first rule
of our friendship?
BOTH: We don't lie about cheese.
- I love it when you do that.
- Do what?
- Know how to make
my life better.
How does my makeup look?
- You're beautiful.
Honestly, you should cry more.
- You're the best.
- Sorry.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- There you are. But,
like, for real this time.
- Yes, here we are.
That's not the most
original line I've heard,
but I'll go with it.
- No, I-I actually
do know this guy.
- Um, do you guys want a drink?
My sister's got a
table for my birthday.
- Could you give us a second?
- Yeah.
And thank you for the birthday
wishes. That's very sweet.
LOUISE: That was funny.
- That was the guy that
I saw myself marrying.
- Oh.
- We should go. I'm
not ready for this.
- Look, you said you wanted to
live more in the moment, right?
- Mm.
- Well, this is the moment.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay. We're going to
stay on one condition.
- Yes.
- Tequila shots.
- Hey!
- Happy birthday.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Happy birthday, buddy.
BEN: Oh, thank you.
- I'm not going to
ruin the surprise,
but this one is Amy's
latest cookbook.
Yeah.
Uh, pro tip. You can just add
shrooms to any of those dishes.
- Please don't do that
to any of my recipes.
DAVE: Oh, Amy's
right. Amy's right.
You can just
freestyle the shrooms.
Thanks, babe.
- Oh my god, your
sister's Eggless Amy?
- She's vegan non-infertile
so don't bring it up.
It's a sore subject so...
- This is what I want
in a relationship.
- You should totally come to
Burning Man with us next year.
- Yes.
- Hey, are you a licensed plumber?
- Uh, I could be.
- I like your family.
They're such a perfect match,
like peanut butter
and very high jelly.
- Yeah. Somehow
they make it work.
- Guess you can't
fight fate, huh?
- Guess not.
So I'm going to
blow this candle out
and make a wish that I
spend more time with you.
Tonight. [blows]
That wasn't slick at all.
So is my wish
going to come true?
- That depends.
Do you know how
to use chopsticks?
Your technique is off.
- Is it?
- Hmm.
- How?
[laughs]
Alright, so be honest.
Did you know we were going
to do that when we first met?
- I, uh, had a hunch.
- Did you know I was going
to get a cramp halfway there?
- No, because I didn't
know that I was hooking up
with someone in my
mom's mahjong club.
- Hmm.
- So what's the deal? I mean.
You can actually see the future.
- Yes, I can actually
see the future.
- I just thought a psychic
would have the perfect life.
- Far from it.
I don't get to choose
who wins the lottery.
I just know that it's not me.
- Oh.
- Actually, there's only one
real way to see the future.
- What? What?
- Fortune cookies.
- Ah, fortune cookies.
- You fell for that.
- That was, that was nice.
Well done.
- Hard.
- Okay. One, two.
[crunching]
- "Good things come in threes."
- Mm.
- And no breaks this time.
- [laughs] Okay.
[both laughing]
- Good morning.
- Hey. Good morning.
- [yawns] Hi.
- So how late were we up?
- Ooh, well, pretty late.
We went from our first
kiss to our first fight.
- Okay, Maggie, place with the
fat chef is the best pizza in LA.
Why would the skinny
chef be better?
- Because that guy is from Italy
and the other's from Nebraska.
- Gotcha. [both laugh]
- What?
- No, it's just nice to hear
you call them first, not last.
- I want to tell you something.
- I want to listen.
[Maggie chuckles]
- About the reading I gave you.
- Mm-hmm.
- About
you and me.
- Yeah?
What? What is it?
- Uh... in your reading,
I saw your future,
and I know how things end.
This doesn't work out.
- Okay. Um, but we had
fun, right? We had fun.
So I'm supposed to let
you throw that away
because you think
it might not happen?
- I know it won't happen.
- Wow.
I'm not heartbroken.
I am whatever the one-night
stand equivalent is.
I'm penis crushed,
which is something that
actually happened to my cousin.
I thought you would
laugh at that.
- I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
- Maggie, I...
- I know.
I had a great time too.
- I guess you do
know how things end.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
[door closes]
MAGGIE: Well, looks
like our time's up.
Remember what I
said about your cat.
- Uh, one more thing
I wanted to ask you.
- Yeah. Your rabbits
will hate the bath, too.
[knock on door] [sighs]
- Oh, I made the same mistake.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Where have you been
the last couple weeks?
I've been texting you
about a very handsome boy
who's been wanting to see you.
- Who?
- I rescued him.
- My God, Lou.
- I didn't think it through
at all, but I have no regrets.
What do you think?
[snoring] [alarm blaring]
[dog snoring]
- I think he's your soul mate.
- Oh, you hear that?
You're stuck with me.
Yes! Ohh!
- I haven't gotten tongue
in a while. [laughs]
What's going on? I was hoping
I hadn't heard from you
because you were getting
busy with our future husband.
Huh?
Or maybe started your
own murder podcast?
- No, actually, turns out
I don't always see
the whole picture.
Yeah, he ends up
with some brunette.
- Well, she sounds awful.
- It's fine.
I've accepted my
predetermined life of solitude
and Mr. Rogers sex dreams.
It's not so bad.
Lots of forehead kisses.
- Oh, I love that.
- Oh my god, guess what?
My parents finally
kicked the bee guy out.
I have to let the new tenant in.
- What? You did not
tell me? Do I look okay?
- [laughs] It's a girl.
- Oh.
I still don't get why your
parents won't let me move in here.
Is it because I walked in
on your dad taking a pee?
I didn't see anything.
He was sitting down.
- Yeah, I think that's
the part that bothers him.
- Hi. Are you Maggie?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
Your mom said you
didn't like questions.
I'm the new neighbor, Jessie.
- Oh.
- Have we met before?
- I don't think so.
Do you ever watch
hair tutorials online?
- That's how I know you.
Yeah. You taught me
how to do side braids.
I ended up looking
like Willie Nelson,
but I think that's
a problem more
with my forehead than my hair.
- Well, I'm just
happy to meet you.
We were a little worried
about who would be
living above us.
- Don't worry, babe. I saved
the heavy boxes for you. Thanks.
JESSIE: Thanks. BEN: Yeah.
- Ben.
- Maggie.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- I live here.
What are you doing here?
- I live here. Now. With Jessie.
- You guys all know each other?
- Yeah, well, sorta.
Uh, Maggie once gave me
a... psychic reading.
- Yeah. JESSIE: No way.
I love psychics.
I'm actually a little psychic.
I once went on a
cruise, and I knew
the pool was going to get closed
down from a feces-related incident.
- Ugh. Cruises are great.
- Hey, Mag...
Brother and his girlfriend
and people I've probably
never ever met before.
[bees buzzing]
- Whoa. Is no one else
seeing these bees?
- Ben's sister Amy has a minivan,
so she's helping us move.
- Yeah, we just, it
makes no sense as a car
because we aren't having kids.
We don't even want them.
- Big Gulps fit
in the cupholders,
so it actually makes
a ton of sense.
Oh. [clatters]
MAGGIE: "Good things
come in threes."
You framed this.
JESSIE: Isn't that cute?
Ben and I broke up
twice last year,
but then he got that fortune
and we ran into each
other a few weeks later.
MAGGIE: Ah.
- As Ben likes to say,
you can't fight fate.
- Mm-mm.
MAGGIE: Amazing.
Blessings.
♪
♪
♪
Questionable fashion choices.
[door opens]
- Hey, everyone's eating pizza
from the place
with the fat chef.
You should come down.
- Why?
- Okay.
- I thought I was actually
going to marry somebody.
And now he's living downstairs
with his girlfriend.
I have no idea what my
future looks like anymore.
- Well, nobody does.
We're all just trying to make the
best choices with the information
that we have in front of us.
Welcome to living in the moment.
- How am I supposed
to handle that?
- I mean, I just hope
that things work out
and eat a steady flow
of pizza until they do.
[laughs]
- Thank you. I love
it when you do that.
- Do what?
- Make my life better.
- Oh yes. You're welcome.
MAN: I'm so glad
you guys are here.
[indiscernible chatter]
ALL: Hi!
[indiscernible chatter]
♪ Leaves you empty with
nothing but dreams ♪
- Hi.
- Jack and Maria. Dad, sit down.
- Okay.
- Yeah, we know you love to sit, Jack.
- Okay. Honey, why don't
you sit down there,
because I like to stand.
♪ Sometimes there's
things a man cannot know ♪
MARIA: My turn.
My turn.
- What would you like?
[inaudible]
ALL: Cheers!
♪ Dawn is coming,
open your eyes ♪
♪ Look into the sun
as the new days rise ♪
- Mm.
These should be illegal.
Mm.
Did that boy move
into your duplex yet?
- You knew.
- What about the
"girlfriend," though?
Do we think the pot found a lid?
- Why don't you tell
me? You're my psychic.
- Oh, you're just going
to make me work today?
- Yeah, that's why I'm here.
- Alright.
A little fuel.
A little more fuel.
- Can you eat that a little faster?
- Okay.
Come on.
[exhales]
[gasps]
- [gasps] What? What? What is it?
- Oh.
Time's up. I'll
see you next week.
This is going to be good.
[laughs]
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪
[clucking]
♪
[laughter]
♪
♪ Los Angeles ♪
♪ Give me a miracle ♪
WOMAN: Okay. Who
should go first?
- Okay.
- You or me?
- You, you, you, you.
- You? Me?
- Okay.
Let's begin.
Oh, I'm seeing a romance.
- This is going to be so fun.
- Ah. From your past.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- I'm seeing the initials JM
monogrammed on his pillowcases
and his denim beanbag chair.
- Are you kidding me?
You slept with Jason? Our
wedding is in two weeks.
- What? No, this lady's crazy.
Danielle, wait, wait.
He didn't even
take his belt off.
It was all zipper stuff.
[screams]
Okay. How did you know that?
- I'm a psychic. I see things.
But the good news is
you're no longer going
to a destination wedding
over Thanksgiving.
- Hmm.
♪ Woo ♪
♪ Love, where does it go? ♪
♪ And do you wake up ♪
♪ Without any control? ♪
- Well.
There you are.
- Uh, do I... do I know you?
- No, it's just my line.
I say "there you are," and then I never
stop pretending to know the person.
So how's your mom?
I haven't seen her
at mahjong lately.
- [snaps fingers] Nice.
Uh, yeah, look,
I'd love to chat,
but I'm just kind of
petting this dog right now.
- I totally got it.
- It's not the best time.
- I got you.
- Yeah.
- My friend just found
out our other friend slept
with her fiancé, so, you know,
I figured I'd mingle,
meet some new people.
- Oh, well, what about that
guy trying to kick his way
out of a wedgie?
He seems like your type.
- Oh, he's very cool.
I actually thought the party
psychic was pretty cool, too.
- Oh, let me just
save you some time.
I'm not a relationship person.
- Right.
- Yeah, I just don't do it.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Too hard when you can
see how someone dies.
Or how long their eyebrow hair
gets before that happens...
True story.
Enjoy the party.
- So, wait, let
me get this right.
You know how I'm going to die,
and you're not going to tell me.
That's basically murder.
You're a murderer.
♪
So...
kind of big news.
I met the wedgie guy and
his name is, get this,
Jason Jennifer Leigh.
How wild is that, huh?
- Thank you for that.
Um, but I'm supposed to
be working right now.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know what you need?
- Random guys not to ask me that.
- Nope.
Tequila shots?
- No, thanks.
I am not looking to go through the
Wendy's drive-thru on foot tonight.
Also, that chair
is only for people
who've signed up for a reading.
- Really?
- Yeah. So...
- I missed my chance.
Unless I can grab
that pen from you.
May I?
May I?
- Okay.
- Benjamin
Julio Morales.
- Okay, you don't
actually have to sign up.
Are you doing the reading or...
- No.
- Just put your hands on the table.
- Yeah. Got it.
- Okay.
- Wow.
You're, like, really
good at holding hands.
- Don't flatter yourself, okay.
The closer I am to your
energy, the clearer my vision.
It helps the reading.
- Do your hands always sweat
like this or is it just me?
- Please stop talking.
- Got it.
You know, I always thought
I was a little psychic.
- Hmm.
- I was sure by now I
was going to fall in love
and have a kid with a wife
who already hates the
way that I eat bananas.
I eat it with a fork and knife.
- So I'm going to start
with or without you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's begin.
♪
Oh, this is shocking.
But you will fall in love.
[chuckles]
It's going to be unlike anything
you've ever experienced.
There will be road trips
where you should really
keep your eyes on the road.
And fresh starts.
Oh no. Questionable
fashion choices.
And questionable
places to eat dinner.
♪ There's no place to run ♪
Fun.
A lot of fun.
She's going to be
the one you wanted.
There'll be a wedding.
And a family.
♪ Engines won't turn and
the train won't leave ♪
♪ I will stay with you tonight ♪
[gasps]
- You okay?
- Excuse me.
♪
MAN: Mm. Mm.
You sure it was
you in the vision?
- Angel, it was definitely me.
I'm not supposed to
see my own future.
That's never happened before.
- Well, it's rare, but
there's always a chance
of giving a reading to somebody
whose life you're
meant to be in one day.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh...
- This is a happy thing, isn't
it? Why are you fighting that?
- Angel, you have been my psychic
since I was in seventh grade.
- Bitch, don't age me like that.
- Okay, so you know why.
Relationships have
been impossible for me.
I closed myself off.
I didn't plan on
opening myself up again.
So this vision of me
as a wife and a mother,
it doesn't make sense.
- Maggie, the future's
not meant to make sense.
It's just meant to happen.
You need to stop trying
to outsmart your life.
Learn to live in the
moment, like I do.
- You know, that's
basically a pipe bomb
for your intestines, right?
- Yes, Maggie, but
not in the moment.
- Mm-mm.
- Give this boy a chance.
- I don't even have
his number. So...
- You know as well as I do
that the future always shows up
whether you want it to or not.
Oh.
Speaking of, the
future is coming.
Oh, a little future
may already be here.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Don't get mad, Maggie.
I just want to ask a question.
- No, Mom,
L-O-L does not
mean lots of love.
And you should stop
sending that to friends
whose spouses have died.
- Mm-hmm.
- What I was going to ask is
are you dating anyone?
Also, what is an acai berry?
Do they work? And can you show
me how to buy one on my iPad?
- You want to order a single
berry off the internet?
- See? I knew she'd be mad.
- No, I'm not mad. I just
don't like being probed.
- Well, it's not fair
that you get to look
into everyone else's life.
I can't look into
my only child's.
- Well, Dad can't look into
my life, and he doesn't care.
- Unless you're dead
or out of money,
I don't want to know.
- Pow. MARIA: That's fun.
You guys have a secret
family handshake.
- Don't be upset. Dating is
just a losing game for me.
- So you're just going
to be alone forever?
Like our weird tenant who
welcomes bees into the duplex?
He sleeps with bees, Maggie.
- Oh my god, I know. And
they're not even honeybees.
I have no idea what he gets
out of that relationship.
- Bees? No, no, no, no, no.
Those are pets.
We don't allow pets in our
lease agreements. Uh-uh.
- Mom, look, I'm fine.
I'm fine being alone.
And acai berries
are a total scam.
- Oh, I knew it.
Well, they're not getting
a dollar out of me.
I don't care what she
said, I'm buying these.
- Great, honey. Well,
let's get them and go
because I think our favorite
bagger is about to go off duty.
- [gasps] Carla!
- That's not her name.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Can't fool this lady.
- Not gonna.
- Can you just try to put
yourself out there, honey?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Who wants charcoal ice cream?
The man at the Sundial
store makes it himself.
- JACK AND MAGGIE: No.
- Maggie? What are
you doing here?
Is this an intervention?
- What? No. Why?
- You never come
to my yoga class.
Also, I drink while
I teach sometimes.
But, you know,
like in a fun way.
- Ohh. Yeah.
Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just trying
to overthink less
and live in the moment more.
Thought yoga might help.
- Since when are you open
to trying new things?
- Since I saw
myself in a vision.
I was married, with a kid.
- No way!
- Yeah.
- But you have to, like, talk
to people to get married.
- Also, you might like having a kid.
They get you out of going to parties.
- Not kids' parties. And
those are the worst kind.
- That's true.
- So how does this work?
It's like Twister,
right? Except religious.
- Okay, you're embarrassing me.
Use a mat, not a towel.
And take off your shoes, please.
- Oh.
- Yeah, actually,
just give those to me.
They're awful. I'm
going to burn them.
- Here you go.
- Oh, hi.
Welcome. Love your energy.
You can put your mat
just closer to mine.
I'm Louise, by the way.
[cell phone chiming]
Oh! Remember that DUI
attorney I told you about?
- Glenn with two N's?
- Yes.
Like the actress.
It's not weird, okay.
- It's weird.
- He just texted me asking to
meet him at Bar Stanley tonight.
- Hey, Glenn!
- I know.
I think this is the
night I open his fridge
and see what kind of
meat he's got in there.
I bet it's kosher.
[sobbing] [toilet flushes]
[blows nose]
Oh no. What is that look?
- Lou, we have a deal.
I can't tell you who
your soulmate is,
and you can't date my hot uncle.
- And I get nothing
from that deal.
- You get to not spend the
weekend at police auctions
trying to get his jet ski back.
- Can you at least come
to the bar with me tonight
and just tell me if
Glenn is a serial killer
or worse, bad in bed?
- His name is
Glenn with two N's.
That's proof he doesn't
know when to finish.
Fine. Okay. Okay, I'll come.
- Yay!
I'm going to try
out my new mascara.
[sobbing] [toilet flushes]
When Glenn said that he wanted to
spend more time exploring Orlando,
I didn't know that he was
talking about his boyfriend.
- Yeah.
[blowing nose]
- I just want to go home.
- Oh. Why don't we go to my house
and look up guys from high school
to see if they ended up marrying
women that look like their moms?
I have a good feeling
about Oscar Saltarelli.
- Do you have any soft cheeses?
- I have got a 2017
Boursin spreadable...
- Speak English and
be serious, okay.
I can't take any more
lies tonight, Maggie.
- Excuse me, Lou.
What is the first rule
of our friendship?
BOTH: We don't lie about cheese.
- I love it when you do that.
- Do what?
- Know how to make
my life better.
How does my makeup look?
- You're beautiful.
Honestly, you should cry more.
- You're the best.
- Sorry.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- There you are. But,
like, for real this time.
- Yes, here we are.
That's not the most
original line I've heard,
but I'll go with it.
- No, I-I actually
do know this guy.
- Um, do you guys want a drink?
My sister's got a
table for my birthday.
- Could you give us a second?
- Yeah.
And thank you for the birthday
wishes. That's very sweet.
LOUISE: That was funny.
- That was the guy that
I saw myself marrying.
- Oh.
- We should go. I'm
not ready for this.
- Look, you said you wanted to
live more in the moment, right?
- Mm.
- Well, this is the moment.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay. We're going to
stay on one condition.
- Yes.
- Tequila shots.
- Hey!
- Happy birthday.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Happy birthday, buddy.
BEN: Oh, thank you.
- I'm not going to
ruin the surprise,
but this one is Amy's
latest cookbook.
Yeah.
Uh, pro tip. You can just add
shrooms to any of those dishes.
- Please don't do that
to any of my recipes.
DAVE: Oh, Amy's
right. Amy's right.
You can just
freestyle the shrooms.
Thanks, babe.
- Oh my god, your
sister's Eggless Amy?
- She's vegan non-infertile
so don't bring it up.
It's a sore subject so...
- This is what I want
in a relationship.
- You should totally come to
Burning Man with us next year.
- Yes.
- Hey, are you a licensed plumber?
- Uh, I could be.
- I like your family.
They're such a perfect match,
like peanut butter
and very high jelly.
- Yeah. Somehow
they make it work.
- Guess you can't
fight fate, huh?
- Guess not.
So I'm going to
blow this candle out
and make a wish that I
spend more time with you.
Tonight. [blows]
That wasn't slick at all.
So is my wish
going to come true?
- That depends.
Do you know how
to use chopsticks?
Your technique is off.
- Is it?
- Hmm.
- How?
[laughs]
Alright, so be honest.
Did you know we were going
to do that when we first met?
- I, uh, had a hunch.
- Did you know I was going
to get a cramp halfway there?
- No, because I didn't
know that I was hooking up
with someone in my
mom's mahjong club.
- Hmm.
- So what's the deal? I mean.
You can actually see the future.
- Yes, I can actually
see the future.
- I just thought a psychic
would have the perfect life.
- Far from it.
I don't get to choose
who wins the lottery.
I just know that it's not me.
- Oh.
- Actually, there's only one
real way to see the future.
- What? What?
- Fortune cookies.
- Ah, fortune cookies.
- You fell for that.
- That was, that was nice.
Well done.
- Hard.
- Okay. One, two.
[crunching]
- "Good things come in threes."
- Mm.
- And no breaks this time.
- [laughs] Okay.
[both laughing]
- Good morning.
- Hey. Good morning.
- [yawns] Hi.
- So how late were we up?
- Ooh, well, pretty late.
We went from our first
kiss to our first fight.
- Okay, Maggie, place with the
fat chef is the best pizza in LA.
Why would the skinny
chef be better?
- Because that guy is from Italy
and the other's from Nebraska.
- Gotcha. [both laugh]
- What?
- No, it's just nice to hear
you call them first, not last.
- I want to tell you something.
- I want to listen.
[Maggie chuckles]
- About the reading I gave you.
- Mm-hmm.
- About
you and me.
- Yeah?
What? What is it?
- Uh... in your reading,
I saw your future,
and I know how things end.
This doesn't work out.
- Okay. Um, but we had
fun, right? We had fun.
So I'm supposed to let
you throw that away
because you think
it might not happen?
- I know it won't happen.
- Wow.
I'm not heartbroken.
I am whatever the one-night
stand equivalent is.
I'm penis crushed,
which is something that
actually happened to my cousin.
I thought you would
laugh at that.
- I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
- Maggie, I...
- I know.
I had a great time too.
- I guess you do
know how things end.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
[door closes]
MAGGIE: Well, looks
like our time's up.
Remember what I
said about your cat.
- Uh, one more thing
I wanted to ask you.
- Yeah. Your rabbits
will hate the bath, too.
[knock on door] [sighs]
- Oh, I made the same mistake.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Where have you been
the last couple weeks?
I've been texting you
about a very handsome boy
who's been wanting to see you.
- Who?
- I rescued him.
- My God, Lou.
- I didn't think it through
at all, but I have no regrets.
What do you think?
[snoring] [alarm blaring]
[dog snoring]
- I think he's your soul mate.
- Oh, you hear that?
You're stuck with me.
Yes! Ohh!
- I haven't gotten tongue
in a while. [laughs]
What's going on? I was hoping
I hadn't heard from you
because you were getting
busy with our future husband.
Huh?
Or maybe started your
own murder podcast?
- No, actually, turns out
I don't always see
the whole picture.
Yeah, he ends up
with some brunette.
- Well, she sounds awful.
- It's fine.
I've accepted my
predetermined life of solitude
and Mr. Rogers sex dreams.
It's not so bad.
Lots of forehead kisses.
- Oh, I love that.
- Oh my god, guess what?
My parents finally
kicked the bee guy out.
I have to let the new tenant in.
- What? You did not
tell me? Do I look okay?
- [laughs] It's a girl.
- Oh.
I still don't get why your
parents won't let me move in here.
Is it because I walked in
on your dad taking a pee?
I didn't see anything.
He was sitting down.
- Yeah, I think that's
the part that bothers him.
- Hi. Are you Maggie?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
Your mom said you
didn't like questions.
I'm the new neighbor, Jessie.
- Oh.
- Have we met before?
- I don't think so.
Do you ever watch
hair tutorials online?
- That's how I know you.
Yeah. You taught me
how to do side braids.
I ended up looking
like Willie Nelson,
but I think that's
a problem more
with my forehead than my hair.
- Well, I'm just
happy to meet you.
We were a little worried
about who would be
living above us.
- Don't worry, babe. I saved
the heavy boxes for you. Thanks.
JESSIE: Thanks. BEN: Yeah.
- Ben.
- Maggie.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- I live here.
What are you doing here?
- I live here. Now. With Jessie.
- You guys all know each other?
- Yeah, well, sorta.
Uh, Maggie once gave me
a... psychic reading.
- Yeah. JESSIE: No way.
I love psychics.
I'm actually a little psychic.
I once went on a
cruise, and I knew
the pool was going to get closed
down from a feces-related incident.
- Ugh. Cruises are great.
- Hey, Mag...
Brother and his girlfriend
and people I've probably
never ever met before.
[bees buzzing]
- Whoa. Is no one else
seeing these bees?
- Ben's sister Amy has a minivan,
so she's helping us move.
- Yeah, we just, it
makes no sense as a car
because we aren't having kids.
We don't even want them.
- Big Gulps fit
in the cupholders,
so it actually makes
a ton of sense.
Oh. [clatters]
MAGGIE: "Good things
come in threes."
You framed this.
JESSIE: Isn't that cute?
Ben and I broke up
twice last year,
but then he got that fortune
and we ran into each
other a few weeks later.
MAGGIE: Ah.
- As Ben likes to say,
you can't fight fate.
- Mm-mm.
MAGGIE: Amazing.
Blessings.
♪
♪
♪
Questionable fashion choices.
[door opens]
- Hey, everyone's eating pizza
from the place
with the fat chef.
You should come down.
- Why?
- Okay.
- I thought I was actually
going to marry somebody.
And now he's living downstairs
with his girlfriend.
I have no idea what my
future looks like anymore.
- Well, nobody does.
We're all just trying to make the
best choices with the information
that we have in front of us.
Welcome to living in the moment.
- How am I supposed
to handle that?
- I mean, I just hope
that things work out
and eat a steady flow
of pizza until they do.
[laughs]
- Thank you. I love
it when you do that.
- Do what?
- Make my life better.
- Oh yes. You're welcome.
MAN: I'm so glad
you guys are here.
[indiscernible chatter]
ALL: Hi!
[indiscernible chatter]
♪ Leaves you empty with
nothing but dreams ♪
- Hi.
- Jack and Maria. Dad, sit down.
- Okay.
- Yeah, we know you love to sit, Jack.
- Okay. Honey, why don't
you sit down there,
because I like to stand.
♪ Sometimes there's
things a man cannot know ♪
MARIA: My turn.
My turn.
- What would you like?
[inaudible]
ALL: Cheers!
♪ Dawn is coming,
open your eyes ♪
♪ Look into the sun
as the new days rise ♪
- Mm.
These should be illegal.
Mm.
Did that boy move
into your duplex yet?
- You knew.
- What about the
"girlfriend," though?
Do we think the pot found a lid?
- Why don't you tell
me? You're my psychic.
- Oh, you're just going
to make me work today?
- Yeah, that's why I'm here.
- Alright.
A little fuel.
A little more fuel.
- Can you eat that a little faster?
- Okay.
Come on.
[exhales]
[gasps]
- [gasps] What? What? What is it?
- Oh.
Time's up. I'll
see you next week.
This is going to be good.
[laughs]
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪
[clucking]