Mad Dogs (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Hat - full transcript

The four men attempt to escape Belize with the help of an eager, go-getting Embassy employee. The journey strains the fraught tension between the friends as they interact with the colorful,...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
* *

Someone can see you now,
if you'll follow me.

* *

They're here.

Yes, thank you.

Please come in.

Thank you, Abby.

Do you still need the binder?
I can't locate it.

Well, it was there this morning.

So maybe you could look again?

Thank you so much.

Sorry about that.

Things are still a little
topsy-turvy around here

with the recent tragedy, so...

Please have a seat.
I'm Rochelle Baer.

How can I help you?

It-it was our understanding
that we would be

speaking with the charge d'affaires.

I am the charge d'affaires.


The other charge d'affaires
is at the funeral.

Maybe you haven't
heard our sad new...

Yes, we heard.

Well, what... what
is your position

under normal circumstances?

I'm the third secretary.

- There's three secretaries?
- No, no.

Uh, no, I'm to assume

the duties of the charge d'affaires

should he or she be
unable to do so themselves.

And the charge d'affaires,
they assume the duties

of the ambassador if the ambassador

is incapacitated.

Which... he is.

So it was my understanding
that you needed to speak

to someone about an urgent
matter and if that is,

in fact, the case, I am the
authority that you're seeking.

The night after we arrived...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, we are not...

I am fucking doing this!

It's what I have to do.

The night after we arrived...

Could you hold for just...
one moment?

Please continue.

The night after we arrived,

our friend was shot in the head
by a guy in a cat mask.

And we think that he's
connected to the police,

um, local police.

Our friend stole a boat.

Before... before he got shot.

And the boat was full of money.

It was... it was drugs.

- Yeah.
- On the boat.

The Cat took my DNA.
He swabbed me.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Look, the boat was full of drugs.

The money was given to us
by two Dutch drug dealers.

They were part of a drug deal

that was connected
to a man named Jesús.

- We should talk about Sophia.
- Right.

We've surmised that The Cat

was also connected to Jesús.

I-I didn't surmise that.

- We're not safe here?
- Shh.


Do you have the money?

I need you to show me.

Okay... okay.

There's a dead police captain
in our pool.

I'll follow you.

Joel was over there.

And we... and we were
all in the pool.

She was about where you are
standing there and threatening.

- She had that gun at us.
- Yelling shit.

I think there was some cursing.

Definitely some cursing.
She was cursing, she was...

she was waving the gun,
really hostile.

And then?

And she said she was gonna kill us.

She said she had to kill us
so we shot her.

I mean, Joel shot her.

Where's the gun?

I need the gun.

The embassy is well aware
of her activities.

Excuse me a moment.

Uh, what... okay.

She's gonna go look for the gun.

- It's not there.
- Well, where is it?

Just give her the gun so we
can get the fuck out of here.


She's not moving.

Well, what is she doing?

We said we were going to
tell the embassy everything.

Yeah, full cooperation.

"Joel shot her."

You did.

I believe you.

I believe you.

I believe you.

Could you, please...

I believe you.

And I want to help, so here's
what we're going to do.

We're going to take the money
to the Coast Guard station

in San Pedro.

They take custody
of any illicit monies

and transfer it to
the State Department.

That's protocol.

From there, I will personally
drive you across the border.

As I am the acting charge d'affaires,

you will be under
my diplomatic umbrella

and you will not be detained
in any way.

I'm going to take you
to Guatemala City

to the American Embassy there.

There, they will take your statements

and they will dispatch you home.

Now, given the incendiary
nature of this incident,

I suggest we leave immediately.

Sounds good.

So, it's just you.
Just Rochelle.

It's not some other official.

No... no, no, uh,
additional attaché?

It's a bit unorthodox,
but given what we know

about you-know-who, I think
the most important thing

is getting you out of the
country quickly and quietly.

And I, Rochelle, am the best
candidate for that.

This is a good plan.

Where is the gun?

It's gone.

You okay?

I'll let you ride shotgun, all right?

Uh, and this, please?

And a pack of cigarettes.

If not now, when?

Oh, and, uh,
a pay-as-you-go phone.

Oh, let me get one of those.

- Oh, yeah. Me, too.
- Yeah, make it four.

Only three left.

You can use mine if you need to.

Guys, text me your numbers.


- Did you get it?
- Got it.

Those don't make calls
for the States.

Just so you know.

Oh, well.

It's still good to have, right?

Yeah, you can call each other.

Did you enjoy your stay?

- Wonderful.
- Really fun.

Wonderful time.

We haven't heard much
from Mr. Milo since he retire.

Me drop a package off the other day.

Something he asked me to get for him.

You know if he get it?

A package?

Me put it through the fence.

Me want make sure he get it.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, he got it.


- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.

Hey, I just wanted you to know...

you did the right thing.

What is he doing?

Hey! What are you doing?

- Goddamn it.
- What?

I got a head... I got
a migraine coming on.

- I can feel it.
- You bring anything for it?

Man, we... we gotta stop.

Um, there... there's a
pharmacy in... in town.

My apartment's in the other
direction, though.

Why are we going to your apartment?

- I have to get something.
- Pharmacy, please.

All right, all right, all right.

- Turn here.
- No, that's not the turn.

- Turn here!
- Don't touch the wheel!

- All right.
- That's not the turn.

- That is the turn.
- That's the turn.


You know, I'm about
to get on the road

and I wanted to talk to my daughters

and I was just hoping
I could use your phone.

They're staying with
my ex-wife in Chicago.

A whole country full of phones.

Yeah, but, um, you know, I...

...uh, I wanted
to use your phone.

Hi, I'd like to purchase some Valium.

How many?

Comes loose or in a pack of ten.



When in Rome.


Hey, honey, it's Dad.

To send your message,
press one at any time.

Hon... honey, it's...
it's... it's Dad.

Your phone keeps cutting
me off, but I want...

To send your message,
press one at any time.

What the fuck!

All right.

What... what is
she doing up there?

She said she had to get something.

That's what she said.

Maybe she's working for Jesús.

Do you trust her?

What, you think she's gonna pop us

and leave us on the roadside?

I don't know, that's a lot of money.

$7 million.

$7,618,311 U.S. minus the,
uh, 10 that Helena wired us.

She's not motivated by money.

No? Well, what then?

A job well done, the
approbation of her superiors,

the knowledge that with
this little coup,

she will have handled the crisis
with bravery and aplomb

and will ascend ever higher
on the ladder to nowhere.

People like her are the reason
I quit teaching.

I couldn't stomach the little fuckers

with their pointless ambition.

So our terrible misfortune
is a career boon for her.

She did seem pretty fucking peppy,

considering there's a dead
lady in the pool.

I don't think she believed me
about the gun.

Yeah, where is it, by the way?

Okay. I'm coming.

Sorry about that.

Thanks for waiting.

I, uh, I notice you don't
have diplomatic plates.

Oh, yeah, you, you noticed that.

Well, yeah, no, they're,

they're coming next month,

Hey, uh, the fellas and I
had a little bet going,

trying to figure out what
you were doing up there,

- what you were getting.
- Oh, my passport.

You never walk around
Belize with your passport.

That's the jaguar preserve
over there.

It's really amazing, actually.

They're so beautiful up close.

I'm sure you guys are just
glad to be going home, though.


You can sleep if you want to.

Yeah, I was in bands
for most of my life, so I'm...

I'm used to late nights.

Up all night, I would only
sleep a few hours in a day.

So you were into rock, then.

You were, like, a rock guy or...

Mm-hmm, rock guy.

I've always wondered what
that kind of life is like.

Especially when
I was younger, you know,

like it's time to rebel or...

I don't know,

I've always been kind of
straight and narrow, I guess.

In case you couldn't tell.

That's good.

I think it's good
that you're that way.

- I sing.
- Really?

Yeah. I mean, I...
I did in chorale.

I love harmony.

Harmony's wonderful.

Yeah. There's this two-year
chorale college

and, uh, I was going to go.

But, I don't know, then I was like,

what the fuck am I doing?

You know, I've been accepted
to Stanford, for God's sake.

...Well, you did the right thing.

I am totally passionate
about diplomacy.

I feel like I'm exactly
where I'm supposed to be.

Careerwise, not,
you know, Belize, exactly.

Well, you didn't miss anything,

that kind of life or whatever.

It seems like it's the only way to be

at the time, but in reality...

You didn't feel free?



I'm sorry if I upset you.

You didn't upset me.

It's all ahead of you.

Well, I mean,
it's all ahead of you, too.

If you want it, right?

Sing something.

You guys should sing something
together, harmonize.


Like the Captain & Tennille.

I wonder if he still wears that hat.

How they taste?
Taste good?

Yeah, they're not so bad
if you have no tongue.

Good to see you again.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Be careful, guys.

Come on, just move it!

Why did the refrigerator
cross the road?

Come on, we don't have all day.

- We gotta help them.
- What do you mean, help them?

Cobi, we don't have time.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Here, let me help.

H-Hey, hey, I'm here to help.

I am a friend.

Hey! Help!

I can't do this alone!

All right. Hold on.

Watch your fingers,
watch your fingers.

Move it!

Okay. We're going up.
All right.

- All right, come this way.
- Watch your head.

- I got it. -I got it, I got it.
Okay. All right.

Watch out, watch out.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

Bring it down.

Watch your fingers.


- We were going that way.
- Can you help us, please?

One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, open the door.

Five, six, picking up sticks.

Seven, eight... ugh.

Nine, ten, do it again.

- Okay, here we go.
- Please don't dent my roof.

One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, close the door.


One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven and eight.

One, two, buckle your shoe.

Three, four, open the door.

Five, six, picking up sticks,
seven, eight...

Where do you live?

In the mountains.



Very nice.

I'm going to go home soon,
have my lunch.

Kiss your wife.

That's right.

I'm looking for my goats.

Have you seen them?
They got little bells on.

Perfect, yes!

I think we got it.

- All right.
- Good job!

Show's over, Dumpling.

- Bye, guys.
- Thank you, guys.

Okay, thanks.
Bye, yeah, thank you.

- Thanks, man.
- Thank you. Gracias, thank you.

If you see my goats, tell them
it's time to come home.

- All right, bye-bye.
- I got it.


Hey, man, what's your name?

Hobo Joe.

Hobo Joe. Solid.
Hey, what's your name?

Hobo Joe.

You're Hobo Joe, too?

Wow, that's amazing.

I want to be named Hobo Joe.

- Stick with Homeless Lex.
- Fuck you.

- Hey, oh!
- Guys,

little pitchers have big ears.


You didn't hear that, did you?

No, you... oh, okay, whatever.
What's your name, hmm?

- Come on.
- Angelina.


That's a beautiful name.

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be
coming home from sea *

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

* Hobo Joe, Hobo Joe *

* You ride the rails
and you drink Sterno *

* Hobo Joe, Hobo Joe *

* Diabetes gonna take your big toe *

- Oh, ho, ho!
- Everybody!

* Angelina, Angelina, please
bring down your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea. *

Careful, okay?

Good job.

So this is where you live?

I thought we were
bringing this to your house.

You guys don't live here, do you?

Pakt mit dem Teufel.
Pakt mit dem Teufel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- No, no, no.
- Eas... easy, easy, easy!

- What, what is he saying?
- Teufel, Teufel, Teufel!

...Hey, cut that out, Hobo Joe 2.

Teufel is a bad man.

"Teufel" means "devil" in German.

Is that what you're saying?
Are you saying "devil"?

He cut off your hands.

What are you talking about?

Thank you, misters, thank you, lady.

We got another fridge today.

They didn't even lock
the door. How much?

Family size, always in demand.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier...

The children told us
you had a misfortune.

- What'd he say?
- A saw.


He used to make furniture,
but now he does this.


The bad man chopped them off.

The bad man chopped them off,
the bad man chopped them off.

I told the children a fairy tale
by way of explanation.

The bad man chopped them off.

We couldn't make him hands of silver.

No more detours.

* *

Mr. Milo!

* *

Okay, guys, let's get going.

- Border awaits.
- Okay.

No, no, okay, okay.

- Whoa. It's okay, it's okay.

- No, no, Angelina, please.
- Gus!

I'm coming.
It's okay, it's okay.

Please, Ange...

No, no, no.

Here, please, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, she'll be okay.

Street kids here, they...
I don't know.

They manage, you know?

Just let them scavenge.

Nothing we can do.

Are you saying that there's
something I personally can do?

No, I'm saying the embassy.

I mean, there's an American
presence in this country.

Yet the kids, everywhere
we go, they're begging.

Some of them probably
being exploited.

It's not our purview.

Right, so we don't care.
I get it.

Again, do you mean me personally?

- Yes, you. I'm saying you.
- Gus.

Hey, how much longer?

About an hour.

So, uh, what's next for
you after... after Belize?

I don't know yet.
You just get assigned.

You seem pretty fluent in German.

Actually, I speak five languages.

Six if you count Romanian,
which I don't.

And Latin.

I'm sure you've kind of thought
of, like, an ideal scenario.

I have.

You going to share it?

I find your line of questioning odd.

My line of... for just...
for taking an interest in...

you know, I'm sorry
for being curious.

Non-apology apology.

I don't have anything
to apologize for.

Then don't say sorry.

Listen, I'm just saying
I know what it's like to be

a minority in a competitive field.

It's called relating.

You can make a request,
though, right?

I mean, this whole thing,
getting us to the border

and everything and securing
the drug money,

you can pretty much write your
own ticket after this, right?

What are you insinuating?

That you're ambitious
and that's a good thing.

Rochelle, they're
just jealous 'cause you're

gonna actually do
something with your life.

Listen, I have done a lot more
with my life than you, okay?

And I've done it with a hell of
a lot more opposition than you.

Yeah, play the race card,
win the argument.

Who said anything... look, first
of all, race is not a card.

It's an experience.

Okay, now that we've got that
clear, do you have any idea

how much overcompensating
I have to do to make people

like Rochelle feel comfortable?

Excuse me.

What, you don't think women
spend their lives

making men feel comfortable?

Be nice. Smile.

Ha, oh, no, I'm sorry,
you were talking.

Don't get emotional, don't get angry.

Yes, please explain it to me.

No, I'm... I'm not a threat.

Oh, absolutely, gosh, I would
love to suck your dick.

Oh, by the way, thanks for
staring at my legs earlier.


My eyes happened
to be in this general area.


Um, wait, was...

wasn't that the... the turnoff,
uh, San Pedro?

Yeah, that's where you said
the Coast Guard station was.

I'm gonna take you across
the border now while it's light

and then I'll take the money to
the Coast Guard station later.

But that's not
what you said originally.

Well, originally,
we weren't going to drop off

a refrigerator at
a Mennonite fencing operation.

Listen, when you visually
assess a woman,

that is threatening, okay?

Yes, you, by the mere fact
that you could overpower her

if you wanted to.

Did you ever stop
to think that maybe,

as a woman alone in a car
with four strange men,

that your entitled gaze is,
in fact, hostile?

I'm sorry...

that you chose to wear a skirt

and by the transitive power
of vision I saw your knee.

I chose to wear a skirt

because it's 90 degrees out,
you asshole.

Hey, you know what?

I think we should go back to
the, uh, Coast Guard station.

I want to see you drop
that money off.

So just turn around wherever you can.

You did say that we were going
to go to the...

You're not in charge here!

Okay, look, I understand
that you took a lot

of women's study classes
at Stanford and that even

though you've had ever
possible opportunity,

you still need to identify
yourself as a victim.

I got that, okay, cool.

But let me just get something clear,

I do not, no, want to rape you.

In fact, I wouldn't rape
you with Lex's dick.


Oh, hey!
Have I gone too far?

I'm sorry.

Lex, are you gonna show her
what a good guy you are now?

Hey, by the way,
your boyfriend back here

wasn't always this sensitive.

Hey, it's time to stop.

Time... the voice of authority.

- Time to stop, okay?
- What the...?

- Okay, it's time to stop.
- Will you cut it out?

- Cobi, Cobi!
- What the... stop!

- Stop it! Stop it.
- Cobi.

- Enough! Enough!
- Cobi, sit down.

- Cut it out!
- Oh, shit.

Get out of my car!
Get out! Everybody out!

Get the fuck out of my car!

- All right.
- All right.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

What's up with the fucking slapping?

Stay away from me.

Uh, so, um...

should we walk from here, or...?

Okay, get back in the car.

Get back...
get back in the car!

Get back in the car!
Get back in the car!


Where are we going?

I have to pee.

This is fucking creepy.

So she just knew exactly
where to turn,

- exact road to go down?
- She has to take a piss.

She can't just squat
on the side of the road.

Hey, I'm not comfortable leaving
the money with her.

You're not comfortable
leaving the money, period.

What's to say she won't take it?

She's a nice girl.
She's a regular girl.

She ain't that nice.

You heard the shit she had to say.

- You provoked her.
- I didn't provoke shit.

You provoked her.

My point is, she's not going
to steal seven million euros.

Maybe she'd just take one million.

Yeah, exactly.

Let her fucking take...
let her take one, two, three...

what the fuck do I care?

I just want to get to the border.

I want to go home.

You know, one...
one would be smart.

I bet you she speaks French.

Swiss bank accounts,
accrue interest, retire at 35.

And what difference would that make?

Look, we earned that money.

I wouldn't go that far.

Hey, you have PTSD. Yeah.

Joel, he's walking around
like a fucking zombie.

My shoulder's fucked.
Pain and suffering, pal.

So you want to keep
the money now and... and what?

I... I don't know.

I just don't want her to have it.

She doesn't want it.

Hey, it's the goats.

The goats.

The goats.


His brain, completely gone.

How'd they get this far?

He's like a retard at a petting zoo.

Do you think it's them?

Uh, I don't know, man.

I mean, what are the chances, right?

They got the bells, though.

Come on, goats.

Yes, that's it.

Go home, go home.
That's it, home!

She's been gone a long time.

- Rochelle!
- Rochelle!

-Rochelle! -Rochelle!

Rochelle, it's just us!
Not the Teufel.

- Rochelle!
- Rochelle!


- Whoa!
- Shit!


Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, shit! Shit.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

It's a cave.

Yo, that is one big-ass hole.

Do you think the goats
went over the edge?

Oh, who cares about
the fucking goats?


Oh, hey.


Oh, yeah, she's definitely
the type that'd have

a travel pack of Kleenex.

- We should go down there.
- How?

We should try!
I'm gonna try!

- No, no.
- We can't leave her down there!

Maybe she's not down there, Lex.

You think she just went for a stroll?

I don't see anything.


You hear something?

- She couldn't have survived.
- We can't leave her there.

There's no way down.

There's one way down.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Maybe we missed her.

Maybe when we were headed this way,

she was headed back that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

* *


She took the keys.

We should get our stuff
and start walking.

Well, shouldn't we contact someone?

Shouldn't... shouldn't
we tell someone

so they could at least
come and get the body?


Maybe... when... when
we're safe, we can...

- So...
- No.

Split four ways?

$1,922,000 U.S.,

minus the 10 that Helena wired.

Look at you.
It's like you willed this.

You're like... you're like
a fucking black magician.

Lex, come on, Lexie.


If anybody willed it, it's Joel.

He's the one who called the goats.


Open a shell company.

- No!
- Offshore accounts.

No! No!
This is wrong!

This is fucking wrong!

She was trying to help us!

We can't leave her body there.

We can't just leave her
in a fucking hole.

It's despicable!

We can't help her.

No one wanted this to happen,

but it has.

So I set up the shell company,
offshore accounts.

We transfer the money once,
transfer it twice,

and the money's in our respective

Cayman accounts
early Tuesday morning.

I don't want that money.

I'll put your share
in an interest-accruing

instant access account, Lex.

If you need it, it's there.

You guys okay?

Uh... we need to get
to the border.


My cousin can take you.
He's a fisherman.

He's going to do
a delivery for me tonight.


Some of us don't have passports.

Oh, no matter.

The fishing boats go back
and forth all the time.

No checkpoint.
Just reach.

Climb in.


Thank you.

Milo? Milo?

The gate was open.

Do you want me to set up out here?

Hey, do you think
those guys are in love?

If they are, they've got
a lot to overcome,

I'll tell you that.

Complete opposites,
except for the white pants.

Good luck, ax guy, oar guy.

Hope it all works out for you.

I wish I knew what it said
at the bottom.

"We are registered
at Crate and Barrel."

I don't understand putting
anything down in Latin.

Sub Umbra Floreo.

Under the shadow, we flourish.


* *

No. No, no, no, no, no.

* *

* *

* Brown-skin girl, stay
home and mind baby *

* Brown-skin girl,
stay home and mind baby *

* I'm going away in a sailing boat *

* And if I don't come back... *

Hey! How much longer?

About 30 minutes!

* Stay home and mind baby *

* Brown-skin girl,
stay home and mind baby *

* I'm going away in a sailing boat *

* And if I don't come back *

* Throw away the damn baby *

* Brown-skin girl,
stay home and mind baby *

* Brown-skin girl, stay home
and mind baby *

* I'm going away in a sailing boat *

* And if I don't come back,
throw away the damn baby *

* Brown-skin girl,
stay home and mind baby *

* Brown-skin girl, stay home
and mind baby *

* I'm going away in a sailing boat *

* And if I don't come back,
throw away the damn baby. *

¡Han entrado una zona cuarentena!

You have entered an infectious zone.



¡Prepárense para ser abordados!

Prepare to be boarded.

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea *

* I say Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be
coming home from sea *

* Yes, it's so long
since I've been home *

* Seems like there's
no place to roam *

* Well, I've sailed
around the horn *

* I've been from San Jose
up to Baffin Bay *

* And I've rode out
many a storm, yes *

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea, yeah *

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea *

* Well, I've heard
the bawdy tunes *

* I've been in
honky tonk saloons *

* I took my liquor
by the vat *

* Well, I stayed on call
for a rousing brawl *

* Home was where I hung
my hat, oh *

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming home
from sea, yes *

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea *

* Now I've courted
many a girl *

* I've been in ports
all around the world *

* But my rambling days
are done *

* I've been from
Curacao up to Tokyo *

* And I've found
there's only one *

* And she's Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea *

* Yes, Lordy *

* Angelina, Angelina *

* Please bring down
your concertina *

* And play a welcome for me *

* 'Cause I'll be coming
home from sea *

* Yes, sir. *