Mad Dogs (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

(Goat bleats)

(Metallic thud)

- Did you forget something?
- May I come in?

I don't have the key.

OK. Then we talk through this,
like in prison, yes?

How is your holiday?
Are you enjoying Majorca?

It is a beautiful island.
Although I am a little partisan, I think.

Such a pleasant spot.
The olive trees, the mountain.

- There are many stories about this mountain.
- Really?

They say it has the Devil in it.

- What do you want?
- I was worried.



I wondered if you hear from Mr Alvo yet?

You speak very good English.

My stepfather is English,
so I have been speaking for a long time.

- So why were you worried?
- Because Alvo is missing.

- He's not missing. He's away on business.
- Oh.

I forgot.

- But now Jesus has been killed.
- What has that got to do with Alvo?

It was a very bad murder.
You have strong stomach?

They cut off his hands and feet.

Serbian Mafia. Like a business card.

Why would the Mafia kill him?

This is what we must find out.

They want something,
because they torture before he die.

There are many ways to solve a problem, yes?



Maybe you can come out of this situation
with something for yourself.

What do you mean?

Maybe you would like to talk with me alone,
but you are worried.

I can protect you.

Better than Serbian Mafia, yes?

And if you want to talk, it is private.
just you and me, OK?

- What did she want?
- Who?

Oh, she just erm...
What did she want? That's a good question.

Wanted to know if we'd heard from Alvo.

- It was that female cop again.
- You're joking.

No, she was talking to Bax.

- Hey! Oi! What did she say?
- She just wondered if Alvo was back.

- She came here just to ask you that?
- So it would seem.

Right, listen, listen! I don't like that,
cos it feels like she's fucking with us.

- What did she give you?
- Eh?

I saw her passing you something
through the gate.

I was watching from the window.

Oh, oh! She wanted to show me
some pictures of jesus's body.

- You weren't going to tell us?
- Course I was.

I was just a bit, you know... a bit freaked out.
They were... I was about to tell you.

- What else are you keeping from us?
- Nothing.

Don't keep secrets, Bax.

That's rich, coming from you, Woody.

The one who lied about
having seen Alvo in London.

I told you what that was about.

He didn't want anyone to know
because he didn't have time to see all of youse.

- That's all that was.
- I'm sure that's all it was.

- Why did she show you photos of the body?
- I don't know!

Look, if she really thought
we knew anything about Alvo or the boat,

she'd take us in, wouldn't she?

- I reckon she's involved.
- Yeah, I reckon she's involved, as well.

- Maybe she killed Jesus.
- That's if Jesus even existed.

She said it was the Serbian Mafia.

Mafia? Mafia?

She said they cut his hands and feet off.

What? OK, OK. That's insane.

You can't just muck about with people like that.
We'll go to the police and we'll tell them, erm...

we don't want to speak to her,
we want the top man.

- We can't.
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna call Nina.

She can go to the cops in England,
explain the whole thing.

The phone's dead.

- Somebody's cut the phone off.
- Maybe Alvo just forgot to pay his bill.

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of here.

- Rick, hold on.
- Rick!

Whether we meant to or not,
we stole that boat, OK?

That's a fact. We've got a dead person
in the deep freeze, that's another fact.

And we sold drugs to drug dealers. Fact.

And there's three million euros
stashed in a hire car.

Yeah, and we're dead unless we get help.

Right, how do you get this open?

Listen, I'm going to the airport.
I'm getting the next plane out of here.

Wait a minute, we agreed that nobody
was going to jeopardise anybody else, Rick.

You go to the airport and you get caught,
we're all bollocksed!

- Yeah, well. I'll take my chances.
- 0h, you will, will you?

Well, what about me? What about me?

I was the one that got bloody raped
for his DNA.

If they decide to frame us,
it's me that's going to get fucked over the most.

Well, there's not a lot I can do about that,
is there?

Right, I'm going to get some tools
and jemmy it open.

Rick, what's the matter?
Yesterday you were all game on.

That was before we knew it was Serbian Mafia.

I've read about them. They're like
paramilitaries left over from the wars.

You piss them off,
they cut your fucking head off! Fad!

- We don't even know if it's true.
- What if cop woman's in bed with 'em? Yeah?

She took all our addresses yesterday.

It's not as if you gave her
your real one though, is it?

- Did you?
- Well, didn't you?

Oh...

Well, I'm not at home that much, anyway.

Cut his hands off.

Alvo. We take his hands off
before we put him back on the boat.

That way,
the whole thing looks like a Mafia feud.

Both guys were involved, both guys dead.
Drug deal gone wrong.

Well, he's already missing
his fucking feet, right?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- OK. That's good, yeah.

Let's get on with it and get the fuck out of here.

- Stop! Stop, will you?
- Stop what?

We'll do it when it's dark,

so nobody can see us.

- You can't go screwing this up, Rick.
- I'm OK. I panicked. I'm OK now.

It's not the time to be
beering it up though, eh?

What's Alvo's birthday?
Everyone uses a birthday.

Got Woody's PIN number.

You know, there's something bigger in here
than our phones. I can feel it bumping about.

- Maybe it's more money.
- Oh, good. just what we need, more money.

If it's Alvo's, we could have it, couldn't we?

Yeah, then maybe you can pay me back.

- What?
- I said, maybe you can pay me back.

What you owe me.

- What you bringing that up for?
- You obviously weren't going to.

- Look, if you need it, you just have to say.
- I don't need it.

It would've been nice if you'd offered. At least
give me heads up that you can't pay it back.

I mean, how many times
have I got to sit here, Bax,

listening to you banging on
about how well your business is doing?

Not that well. cos you'd have paid me back,
wouldn't you?

- Fine. I'll give it you as soon as we get back.
- Hey, forget about it.

No, I insist.

In fact, you can get in the car with me,

and as soon as we get out,
I'll write you a cheque.

- I don't need it.
- What the fucking hell did you bring it up for?

- Or are you just trying to embarrass me?
- I wasn't trying to embarrass you.

I just wondered why you never mention it.

Can't pay it back, don't borrow it.

If you take it out of the boot of the car,
you can pay him back with interest.

Yeah, maybe we should have that money.

It's bent, right?
That means it's not traceable.

If we took, what, ten grand each,
who's going to know?

- Forty thousand out of three million?
- What difference does it make?

- Then you can pay Rick his five grand hack.
- Who told you it was five grand?

- Thanks for respecting my privacy.
- (an you two just leave it?

Well, isn't this just a tiny little bit
important, Quinn?

Given our current circumstance.

Don't we need to know
who can keep their mouths shut?

- Rick?
- We all trust each other.

He's going to have to trust that none of us
tell Nina about him fucking that girL

You're such an arsehole.

You're the one
who couldn't stay out of her knickers.

- Like you wouldn't?
- I'm not married.

- You've never played away?
- No, as it happens.

Are you accusing me?
You know all about me, do you, Rick?

Come on, lads, leave it.

If he's going to start throwing accusations,
let me hear him back it up.

I suppose we can't all be
as perfect as you, can we?

Oh, hang on. I forgot.

Your partner lives at the other end
of the country and you don't speak to your kids.

I wonder what that's all about.

If you got something to say to me, Rick,
fucking say it.

Yeah, I just did!

If you ask me, Alvo was right about you.

He was bang on the money.

You fucked up your life
but you're too conceited to admit it.

What are you going to do, Quinn?

What are you going to do, eh?
Punch me in the face?

How very mid-life crisis of you.

- That was out of order.
- Why don't you just shut up?

We could go to the mountain
and drop the fucker off.

The safe.

(Bottles clink and freezer closes)

I was maybe a little bit wrong
to have said some of that.

No, I'm erm...

I'm sorry for grabbing you like I did.

And you're right,
my life is a washout, a total fucking lemon.

- No. No, she'll come hack.
- No, she won't.

We agreed. Ages ago.

You know, Quinn, sometimes, you know,
life, it just... hits patches.

(Baxter) So, who's this girl, then?

Amy.

- How long've you been together?
- Oh, I'm not sure if we're together.

- Does she know about...
- Everything.

But she's still with you.

- Amazing.
- Yeah.

Thanks, man.

And the tragedy wasn't separating.

The tragedy was staying together
as long as we did.

You've got your kids though, haven't you?
Gorgeous...little... Vicky?

Becky. Rebecca.

You know, when you're in love with someone,

they tell you there's no greater experience
than having a child together.

As soon as you do,
as soon as you have that kid,

the love you had for each other
is consigned to history.

You see, by having a child,
man creates his greatest rival,

the person his wife is going to love
more than him.

It's one of the last great taboos, innit,
wishing you'd never had your kids.

You're just feeling like that because of all this.

I mean, everything happens
for a reason, right?

No, it doesn't. Only morons believe that.

She's got this little boy. He's great.

Feels like a second chance,
you know what I mean?

Like my next life's starting now.

- Think that was about Nina?
- Mmm.

- Do you think Quinn still...
- Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe it's for the best.
A shift of direction.

- Get yourself a new bird on the firm.
- What, at my age?

- Girls don't look at you any more.
- Don't they?

Not unless they're tarts with a Daddy complex.

Oh, come on, Quinn!

Hey! You've got your new career.

Yeah. Now I'm drowning in a sea
of bottle-green corduroy

and landscape fucking water features.

Well, maybe you just have to make the most
of what's left.

I'm not doing it. You do it.

Do it at the boat.

(Woody) Why don't you do the hands?
You've done it before.

(Rick) Yeah, well. that was spontaneous.
This is premeditated.

I'm not a savage.

- Argh!
- What was that?

Something... Something...

Something just ran across my foot.
A rat or something. Where is it?

Don't worry.

(Quinn) Is that smell what I think it is?

(Woody) Defrosting.

You know how the Native Americans,

they believe that the spirits of the dead
protect them and watch over them.

Do you think Alvo, maybe...

(Grunting)

Come on, come on, get him up.

- All right?
- Yeah.

(Cries of alarm)

Shit! Shit, don't do this to me!

There. Get your light on him, Bax.

- Down here.
- There he is, there.

Get your torches on him.

There he is. There he is.

- (Foghorn blares)
- What the hell's this?

(Foghorn blares)

- What the fuck's this lot?
- just ad normal.

Don't look at the body. Nobody look
at the body, right? just ad normal.

(PA system: # Aqua: Barbie Girl)

(Raucous catcalls and cheering)

(Quinn) just keep waving.

Now that...

was arguably the most surreal thing

that's ever happened in my life.

Come on, then. Where is he?

(Woody) Torch on him, Bax.

- Let's get this done and get out of here.
- Eurgh, it stinks.

(Yew

0h, dear.

Your turn.

- He's... He's got his watch on.
- For fuck's sake.

Eurgh.

- Chuck 'em over. Hands and feet.
- You chuck 'em. I'm not touching them again.

Hold on a second.

We're a... There's a foot missing.
We're a foot light.

Must have dropped it on the track.

(Motor stalls)

Out of petrol.

What am I going to tell Amy?
What's she going to think of me now?

You can't tell her.
This has to stay between us four.

What's that smell? Oh, I know what it is -
hypocrisy. Like you can keep your mouth shut.

You still banging on about that five grand?

No, I'm going on about the fact
that you can't keep your yap shut.

And I'll be fucked if I go to prison because you
mouth off to some tweenie in a bar about this.

- You have a low opinion of me, don't you?
- Do you want to know the truth? Yes.

- Pipe down, Bax, for fuck's sake.
- Are you sticking up for him now?

Wow! Bloody hell! So, you don't mind
the fact that he's told all of us

what you used to do for money
when you were really messed up? Eh?

Smile, big boy!

- (Rick) Come on, then!
- Hey! Hey!

Enough. Fucking stop it! Fucking stop it!

We're supposed to be looking for a fucking foot.

Hold up. That's the one that nibbled on Alvo.

- Careful, he might have rabies.
- Whoa, whoa.

Mush! Back off!

- Shoo!
- It's Spanish.

The dog's Spanish.

We'. 0Y2'.!

(Woody) Oi!

OK, OK, let's go, in case it fits
and comes back for the other one.

I've only got one bleeding shoe.

You know when you first told me about this?
My instinct was to say no.

- Do you want to know why?
- Not really.

Because being round you
is such a fucking ordeal, Rick.

You're like that mutt back there,

a big, fucking slobbering dog
that's always jumping up all over everybody,

knocking everyone over,
trying to hump everyone's leg.

What's the matter with him?

He's just having a girly sulk.

- Come on, Rick. He didn't mean it.
- Yeah, I did.

He'll be back when he's hungry.

It wasn't erm... It wasn't what you think,
you know, that modelling stuff.

What? Oh.

Yeah, I'm sure...

I'm sure the pictures were very...

"artistic.

- You need to get that dressed, mate.
- Right. How do you do that, then?

Try using a bandage.

Thirty-six hours.
Thirty-six hours, then we're gone.

Right. I'm going to have something to eat,
then I'm going to go to bed.

And if I wake up before it's time to leave,
I'm going to drink myself back to bloody sleep.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

(Dog growls)

So, are you in touch with Nina much?
Now that you're single.

- Why do you ask that?
- just wondering.

Do you know what the most popular
breakfast cereals in America are?

The ones with the highest sugar content.

A country with over
a hundred and ninety million obese people

believe that eating a breakfast cereal
sugar rich and corn based

is somehow going to help them stay healthy.

I mean, that's got to be
the biggest piece of propaganda ever, hasn't it?

And you care about this because?

Because it's synonymous
with how we all live our lives.

I'm starting to understand
why your kids don't talk to you.

Nobody wants to think for themselves any more.

Nobody wants to be in control
of their own destiny, it's too much effort.

You know, everything we do,

everything that we watch,
that we eat, that we interact with

is... is...
is the result of some form of marketing.

We're sold our entire lives,
from cradle to grave,

and the illusion is we've never had...
never had so much choice,

but the fact of the matter is, we exert none.

- What's the alternative, then?
- The alternative?

Maybe we should start doing things
for ourselves, you know? Take control.

Do you know who invented breakfast cereal?
The Seventh Day Adventists.

- That makes you think, don't it?
- Not really.

You all right?

- Shit!
- Manes.

Las menus. Hands'. Hands up'.!

- I'm holding cereal. I can't.
- Shhh! Silencio.

Would you like me to put it down?

Or should I hold the bowl up as well?

Just put it down.

I'm putting it... I'm putting it down.

I'm putting it down here.

(Yew

El barco. Dénde esté?

We don't speak Spanish.

The boat. Where is, please?

We don't know anything about a boat.

What did you do that for? He said it, not me.

OK. OK.

Una vez mks.

El barco, dénde esté?

El barco, dénde esté?

Oooh, fuck!

Dénde esté vuestro amigo? The other man!
There was one more man here! Where is he?

- Where is? Where is?
- Home.

- What?
- He's gone home.

Up. All. And go. Go!

Go répido. Go.

(Whistles)

Huh?

Mm. Aw.

Why do you keep picking on me?
I haven't done anything.

Oh... Oh...

- Oh, no.
- Arriba.

Up. Up! Up!

Come on!

God! Oh, fuck.

To the fucking floor! Now!

New!

Legs. Together. Now.

Together! The legs!

That's enough. OK.

(Groans)

And you don't fucking move!

Where is the fucking boat, for the last time?

OK, I'll tell you. I'll take you to it.

- Don't let go.
- I've got you. I've got you.

All right, down, down, down, down.
All right, mate.

All right? Come here.

Stop! Stop!

We're civilized people. We're not thugs.

- He just tried to hang me!
- Come on, get up.

There's no reason for us to act like him,
is there?

Motherfucker!

Go on!

Get him in that cupboard.

- Here, let me hit him with this.
- Don't be stupid.

I'll get the gun.

- Right. Now what are we going to do?
- (Banging on door)

We need to find out who he is.
Oi! Who are you?

- He doesn't speak English, does he?
- Get one of Alvo's phrase books.

Erm... Dénde...

- Dénde esté su trabajo?
- What does that mean?

I was trying to say, "who do you work for?"

- Fuck you!
- He does understand English.

- Shoot him.
- Shut up!

Right, listen to me. Are you police? You, policia?
Speak in a foreign accent.

He's not tall enough to he a cop, is he?

- We need to search him.
- Yeah.

Come on, then. Ready?

Go!

(All yelling)

(Snarling)

Hold him down.

He's not very frightened of us, is he?

- That's why we should shoot him.
- Hold him down. Hold him down.

You dirty little bastard! Go on.

Right!

Do you work for Jesus?

Isus Milic.

Do you work for the Serbian Mafia?

- What's Spanish for Serbian?
- Serbian.

Right. let's waterboard him.
Let's waterboard him.

- Right!
- Drown the fucker!

(Snarling)

We can't throw him in the pool.
What are we going to do with him?

- We can't let him go.
- We're not going to kill him.

- I could kill him.
- (Snarling)

You know what? This could actually work for us.
We've got something of theirs.

Yeah, a bargaining chip.

Get on there, you...

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.

We get one of them DV cameras. We take some
footage of him, we take it to the police station.

- (Derisive laugh)
- Hey, shut the fuck up!

- Or I swear to God...
- I don't get it. What do you mean?

- Right, Baxter, give me that gun.
- Christ.

It's poker, man.
We're seeing them and raising them.

One safe passage off the island
for one Tiny Blair.

- Assuming the police are in on it.
- Of course the police are in on it.

He said he was police when he shot Alvo.

- That's exactly why we should go to the police.
- Yeah, I'm in.

I'm in.

Three to one, Quinn.

(Woody) Give him some of your water.
Make like we're all humanitarian and stuff.

OK.

0K, Woody, you got it on?

- On.
- OK.

See, we are nice to you, yes?

No violencia. See?

It's nice. Nice.

Armani. From their junior collection.

Right, you little shit. Is there anything
you want to say to your colleagues?

You little fucker!

- (Snark)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- U“ mensqe.
- Fuck you.

What can you do?
You try and make friends on holiday...

See? See? We mean no harm.

(Snarlfi)

Downwards. OK.

(Groans) No!

No! No! Los voy a matar!

Los voy a matar! Hijos de puta!

Los voy a matar! Como los agarre, los mato!

(Barks)

(Woody) Who goes in?
(Rick) We should all go.

(Woody) Really?
(Rick) Yeah, or just one.

What if two go? No, no, three go, one stays.

No, no, no, no. One stays, three go.
I don't know. What do you think?

I say two go in and ask to speak
to the top man, El Comandante.

Wait. just wait a minute.

What if, for argument's sake,
this has nothing to do with the police?

We'd be putting ourselves in the frame
for murder, drug dealing and now kidnapping.

- Yeah, but we're innocent.
- And innocent people never go to prison?

- Alvo. What's he got us into?
- And even if the police were involved,

we'd only be provoking them, wouldn't we?
It'd be like poking a snake with a blunt stick.

No, we're showing them we can't be messed
with. We're poking a snake with a sharp stick.

Rick. I'm a teacher, you're an accountant.

- I'm a financial consultant.
- He sells vases. We're not bloody gangsters.

(Woody) Hey, look out.

- You're not telling me that's a coincidence.
- She's watching us.

- No way.
- It's obvious. They're watching us.

We'll be fine. As long as we leave the money
in the villa for them, nobody can touch us.

How do we get the money back to the villa?

One of us needs to take a cab to the airport
to pick up the hire car.

What if she follows us?

We need somebody else to pick up the car
and drop it at the villa.

Miramar HoteL Can we find that?

(PA system: # Lady Gaga: Bad Romance)

Right. Why don't you all just wait at the bar?

Behave yourself.

“M.

Didn't realise this was going to turn into
something more long-term.

You know how it is. Holiday romances.

You never know how they'll pan out.

- What happened to your eye?
- Bit of an argument with a shovel.

Bit old to be getting in tear-ups, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah. You should see the shovel.

So... Do you want to come up to my room, then?

- He's gesticulating a lot.
- Is that good or bad?

- Bad. Or good. Probably bad.
- What's he doing?

You don't think
he's going to do a runner with her?

Did he say something?

No.

- You don't think he's going up for a quick...
- No, no, he wouldn't dare.

So what are we going to do about
our Spanish oompa loompa?

We'll have to set him free when we leave.

Let him run wild across the sierras.

They say you shouldn't make any big changes or
start projects in the first two years of sobriety.

- Moving house, ending relationships.
- Don't deal drugs.

Yeah, or kidnap a midget.

(an you say midget?
Is that OK, is that PC? Or is it dwarf?

- He's down a well, you can say what you want.
- Munchkin.

- Sorted.
- What did you say?

- Charmed her, mate.
- Seriously, what did you say?

- Offered her five thousand euros.
- You what?

- She'll be suspicious.
- She'll know somethings up.

She's not stupid.
She's aware that there's something up.

I had to make it worth her while.

But don't worry. Don't worry about it. I said
I'd double it if she didn't ask any questions.

Listen, everyone has their price.

Hey, er... Large vodka, please.

- Two.
- Are you stopping here for a drink with her?

No, no, they're both for me.

You know, it's funny, innit, but erm...

everybody suddenly appears to be
a little bit suspicious.

Everyone starts looking Serbian.

Well, anyone tries anything...

I'm ready.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I've got kids.

This is brilliant. Here's him wandering around,
giving wads of cash to people we don't know,

and there's you thinking you're The Baxinator.

Twenty-five euros, please.

- Don't look at me. I haven't got any cash.
- I might have some change.

I've got it.

No, I cannot change this.
I don't have this kind of money in my till.

Crazy! Only drug dealers have 500-euro notes.

- Are you drug dealers?
- No, give us a minute, mate.

- How many more of those did you take?
- just one.

Well, it's a souvenir, innit?

- I've got three.
- Greedy bastard.

Well, they fell on the deck.
What am I going to do?

Well, do you know how many I got on me?
None! Do you know why?

Cos I don't want to go to fucking prison.

Hey, somebody's been in here.

I left a roll of tape on that table and it's gone.

Shut up, you're freaking me out.

And these chairs weren't pushed under like that.

- 0h, come on, Bax.
- what?

- Are you nuts?
- You know how to use that, do you?

- 0h, I suppose you do, do you?
- I know you don't hold it like that.

- Like what?
- Close to your body.

- All right.
- Now whafre you doing?

- Fucking helL you hold it, then.
- I don't want it.

- Hey, hey, I'll hold it.
- You're not holding it.

- Why?
- You'll shoot my nose off or something.

Oi, hang on a minute. I saved your life today.

Oh, fucking hell, I wondered how long that'd be
till you brought that up.

Shall I just put it in the fucking IOU
with the five grand?

- Give me the gun.
- No.

- Give me the fucking gun!
- No, it's mine.

There's no one in here.
You're all being paranoid.

Hey, don't you think
we should go and check on our guest?

Fuck!

He's in here!

He's in here! He's in here! He's in here!

Ooh! Eurgh! What's that in his mouth?

His fingers.

He's got his fingers in his mouth.