Mad Dogs (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Buenos dias.

¢Esté el sefior Alva?

(Bauer) Awe'?

Er... No.

Are you his housekeeper?

Hi. Er... gHabla inglés?

Yes, I speak English.

OK, you no need to clean today...
Er, we have a big party, and we all clear up.

Why?

Well, it wouldn't he nice for...
for us to leave you with a big mess.

No, I mean, why did you have the party?



It was a reunion.

What's Spanish for reunion?

Reunién.

Right. Just old amigos,
you know, getting together.

It's OK, I am not the housekeeper.

(Yew

We can't understand you, mate.
The mask.

Listen, whatever this is about,

this is nothing to do with us,
we've only just got here.

We'll go, we'll leave the island.
We didn't see any...

- We didn't see anything, OK? Nada.
- Shh.

Saliva.

Shit! Spit!

Keys. For your Jeep.



If you go for police... Huh?

We are the police.

Awe?

You can't fucking die on us.

- He's dead, Quinn. He killed him!
- He can't be.

Half his head came off.

- Where did we put the bags, Rick?
- what?

I'm just going to get my bag. I need to go.

No, no, just... Sit out... Sit out...
Sit outside, yeah?

I'm gonna wait here for a minute.

- We need to get the police.
- He was the police!

The police don't go around wearing
rubber masks, shooting people!

He drove away in a police car.

We could be mixed up in anything.

- Yeah, but we're not, though.
- What the fuck is that, then?

- We haven't done anything.
- We were all on that boat.

We stole the boat too.

Right, well, listen, we need erm...

We'll go... We'll go to the embassy,
the consulate. We'll explain.

No, you're not listening!

He blew Alvo's head off
because we took that fucking boat!

That's what Alva said when he came in,
he said, "I don't know anything about a boat."

He was asking him about the boat.

- I'm calling the embassy.
- It's the middle of the night.

Well, they've got to have a...
You know, a 24-hour line...

Oh, fuck!

Our fucking phones are in the safe.

OK.

I think I might be sick.

Right, there's got to be a...
an emergency 24-hour number, what is it?

100.“?

I know what he did.
I know what he did.

You know, with the gun and the...
the spitting?

DNA.

DNA. I'm like a walking
fucking Petri dish of evidence.

They can put me at any crime they want now.

You can't phone the police, Quinn.

We've got to get rid of the body.

I don't think we should touch the body.

Bax. You're a lawyer.
What do you think we should do?

A corporate lawyer!
I didn't do murders, did I?

I did spreadsheet frauds!

How the fuck should I know
what we're supposed to do?

Woody, I'm sorry.

What if somebody turns up?

- Who?
- Other police, who don't wear masks.

The guy who cleans the pooL
Jehovah's fucking Witnesses. Anybody!

How are we going to explain this?

Think about it. Think about it.

Tony Blair took his DNA.

He's done that for a reason.
Somebody's trying to frame us.

(# Florence and the Machine:
Dog Days Are Over)

♪ Happiness hither

♪ Like a bulletin the back

♪ Struck from a great height

♪ By someone who should know
better than that

♪ The dog days are over

♪ The dog days are done

♪ (an you hear the horses?
Cos here they come... ♪

(Retches)

(Baxter) There's somebody coming!

Alvo's gone away?

Yeah, just for the weekend.

Er, is there anything wrong?

Ooee! You hurt... You hurt your arm?

Oh. Yes. Erm...
Too many cervezas... Beers.

You were fighting?

Englishmen abroad.
You like fighting, yes?

Er, no.

We are looking for a boat.

Maybe Alvo can help with our investigation.

He is where?

He's on the mainland, he's on business.

- He'll be back on Tuesday.
- OK.

I come beckon Tuesday.

So... What about this boat?

We think it was involved in bad things.

What would Alvo know about it?

It belongs to lsus Milic,
a Serbian property dealer.

- You know him?
- You think Alvo took the boat?

No.

Anybody who knows him would not take
his boat, unless they are crazy.

He is very dangerous. A psicépata.

I'm sure it will appear.
The island is too small for hiding anything.

Why did you say he'd gone to the mainland?
You know they can check that.

You were all sitting there
with your mouths hanging open.

- We should have told her the truth.
- Yeah, great idea, Quinn.

So not only have we nicked a boat,
we nicked a boat from a complete psychopath.

- This is horrendous.
- We get caught up in an investigation

and we're all suspects in Alvo's murder,
especially me.

It does look a little bit weird.

Four guys just turn up out of the blue,
and 48 hours later Alvo's dead.

Just after signing his villa over to us.

And if we get taken into custody.
Then what?

Then what? Spanish court case?

"Mafiana, mafiana.“

But we can explain it. Right?

If we get done for nicking that boat,
or even as an accessory,

we are stuck here on remand for months.

And if we implicate the police in this,
that means it's a federal case.

We could be stuck here for years.

And that's before we've even got to court.

Fucking helL this is mental.

How do we prove that we didn't know
we were nicking it?

Let's just be logical about this. Woody,
you were the last person to speak to Alvo.

- So?
- Did he say anything, erm, about anything?

Did he give the impression
he was worried about anything?

- He was banging on about the trip.
- So you haven't seen him lately?

(Rick) I reckon he planned this. He used us.

That's what he said. He said he needed us.
He needed us to nick that boat.

0h, no, I...l thought he was saying
he needed us because...

Well, you know, because he was in the shit.

Nobody knows we were on the boat.
She would have said.

There is...my DV camera.

Well, it's on the boat... I said to Quinn.
You said to leave it, didn't you?

Hang on a minute. So you're saying that
there's footage of all of us on that boat?

Oh, you fucking wanker!

Baxter, Baxter, he didn't mean
to leave the fucking...

(Sighs) All right, listen,
this is what I think we should do.

I think we should we go hack to the boat,
get the camera,

and then we should clean the boat up, get rid
of all the fingerprints and then we return it.

- To Jesus?
- She said he was a nutter.

"Hey, how you doing, man? So, bit of a mistake,
sorry, here's your boat back.

'And, by the way,
Alvo's head's been blown off, but no biggie."

All right, we take it somewhere they can find it,
tie the fucker up and then...

I don't know, we leg it
and get the hell off the island, huh?

This is why we came back this way.

Can't be seen from the road,
can't be seen from the front of the villa.

I'm telling you,
Alvo knew what he was doing.

Here you are. You need sun block.

Fuck's sake! Fucking thing!

I wish I'd never fucking come on this trip
in the first place.

- Why did you, then?
- 0h, shut the fuck up! Fuck off!

You wanted to come really, didn't you, Bax?

We're still your best pals.

(Quinn) Trying to recapture something.

That's why we came here, isn't it?

You know, maybe Alv was always crooked.

- We just didn't even know it.
- Nah, doubt that.

He's been in the property game,
hasn't he, since we left college?

Yeah, a few dodgy deals maybe.
I can't see him as a big criminal though.

I always think of him as the kid at college
who couldn't pronounce the word "broccoli".

(Quinn) There it is.

Woods, push the boat.

(Quinn) just remember,
don't touch anything unless you have to.

Let's go.

Give us a couple of bags -
this has all got to go.

We're never going to find that camera.

Bloody helL Check out the stereo.

Oh, I clocked that yesterday.
I tell you, it's all top-end gear.

Hello... Mini laptop.

Portable DV player.
Posh people get them on the planes.

I tell you, the stuff he's got on here.
Must be a multi-millionaire.

- What shall we do with all these bottles?
- Throw them over the side.

Where are they going?

They're coming towards us.

- Shit!
- Down! Come on, Bax.

Get down! Get down, get down!

Keep quiet. They might bugger off.

You can get up. We're not the police.

Sixteen hours we've been looking for you!

- Sorry.
- Can't any of you read a chart?

- I don't think we have any charts...
- wankers.

Listen, lads. Can I just say something here?

- You see, this is not actually our boat.
- what?

WelL it's a long story,
but I dropped my camera and...

Well, who the fuck does this belong to, then?

WelL that's ours, yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

I just... thought I'd give you a hand.

I thought Dominic said
there'd only be one person?

WelL you know what he's like.

He changed his mind.

Would you mind putting that down?

Right. Sorry.

Three mill, as agreed.

That's for keeping us waiting.

You fuck around like that again
and you're finished. Understand?

- Mm.
- Got it.

That's it.

Our lives are over.

We're fucked.

People don't get away with stuff like this.

We'll all go to prison.

I think, and this is just my personal opinion,

that it would be a mistake
to take the boat back.

No shit.

I also think, and this is just
my personal opinion,

that if we went and told the police everything,
this might not pan out how we want it to.

Why don't we just find Jesus
and tell him that we made a mistake?

We could, but we've just ripped him off
to the tune of three million euros.

A little birdy tells me he's not just going to sit
there quietly while we explain everything.

You never know, he might just be pleased
that we brought it back.

Oh, yeah, why don't we get some flowers
as well, with a little note -

"Dear Jesus, sorry for stealing
your massive stash of cocaine.

'Love, Rick and the boys."

- We could...
- what?

- No, it's stupid.
- Go on.

We could set sail...

for Africa.

And then what?

Live in Africa.

I've got a life. I've got responsibilities.

- Hey, I've got kids.
- Yeah, I've got kids.

I said it was stupid... I'm just trying to...

I'm supposed to be playing footie on Saturday.

Right, I do think there's another way,
but we're going to have to trust each other.

Look each other in the eye and agree that
nobody drops anybody else in the shit

to save their own arse.

Now, we know that Alvo was mixed up
in something big, we don't know what.

We've already had a visit from the police and
a hit man, but they don't think we're involved.

- What makes you say that?
- They didn't arrest us and they didn't shoot us!

I don't think they know what's going on.

This is what I think we should do.

I think we should hide the money
somewhere safe, till we're ready to leave,

then go back to the villa
and carry on as normal,

then Tuesday we fly back to England,
which is what we were going to do all along.

- Why don't we just go now?
- They'll know we're involved, it's obvious.

- No, it isn't.
- They'll drag us back here.

This is what I'm saying.
If we just look like we're on holiday

and make like Alvo's gone away,

nobody can fucking touch us.

Quinn. Quinn!

You know he said he couldn't find the camera.
Do you think he's telling the truth?

I mean, maybe he found the camera,
hid the tape somewhere,

and then chucked the camera.

It's his camera, which means he was filming it.

- So he's not in it.
- Yeah, it puts him in the clear, doesn't it?

What did I just say about us
having to trust each other?

No, I know, I know. I'm just saying,
that's all, just keep an eye out.

Oi! Somebody nicked his boat
and half a ton of coke,

- I don't think he's gonna miss a DVD player.
- You're fucking nuts.

(Quinn) Right. We'll wait here,
while you two go back to the villa.

- WelL shouldn't we take the money?
- No.

Why not?

That's the whole point of you two
going back to get the jeep.

- What is?
- In case that copper shows up at the villa,

or somebody's watching us,
while we have to wait here.

What happens if she drives past?

Well, we'll hide the bag then, won't we?

What if someone stops?

- Why would they stop?
- To offer you a lift?

Who?

A kindly stranger.

Woody... just fucking go, will you?

Two tickets to Rio. Me and you.
What do you say?

Be less of a liability just the two of us,
that's for sure.

I mean Woody's got a heart of gold but, let's be
honest, everything he touches turns to shit.

And as for Rick, he's a fucking menace.

- He's all right.
- No, he's not, Quinn, he's not.

He's out of control. Always has been.

It's just me, me, me, me with him,
fuck the consequences.

'Yeah, run along, you two,
we'll look after the money.“

Patronising fuckers.

How many times did Quinn look at me when
he was banging on about trusting each other?

I think he's just a little hit worried about you,
that's alL

- Why?
- Well, you know.

- Since you've been here you have been a bit...
- A bit what?

Getting pissed and shagging that bird.

So?

You go to the gym and all that shit
every day now, do you?

- What you trying to say?
- WelL it's...a bit like an addiction, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Just making conversation, Woods.

First time you've cheated on Nina?

I'm never going to do it again.

- Really?
- No. No way. Not after last night.

- Why? What did she do?
- No, it's not that. It's Alvo, innit?

Cos it makes you think.
You reap what you sow and all that shit.

So, you wouldn't do it again because
it'd come round and bite you on the arse.

Nothing to do with the lovely Nina?

That's not what I'm saying, because I love her.

And I'd never do anything to hurt her, but what
she doesn't know ain't gonna hurt her, is it?

You don't think Quinn
would say anything, do you?

Dunno.

Nah.

Dunno.

(Baxter) 0K, tell them what the plan is.

(Quinn) Baxter's gonna hire a car. We'll hide
the money in the boot and park it somewhere.

- Where?
- Where's the hardest place to find a car?

A car park.

(Woody) Make sure no one follows you.

(Sighs) Murder for a beer.

Anyone got any euros?

(Plane passes overhead)

(Insects chirping)

Do you know that bees can count?

Scientists in America. They erm...

They set up markers
between a hive and a feeder...

“and then they moved
the markers and the feeder...

...and they discovered that the bees
find their way by counting the markers.

Gracias.

Cockroaches, right, cockroaches can live for
several days without their heads on.

Rick.

Shut the fuck up.

- I'll sit in the front.
- Come on, let's get a move on.

Just checking the boat's locked.

Go... Go!

Oi! Get out of it!

(Snarling)

Out of it!

Oh...

Well, we can't leave him like that.

Well, where do you want to take him?

I don't know.
Let's put him somewhere he won't be found.

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Please don't share it.

No, no, no...

Stick Alvo's body back on the boat. Yeah?

Let the police find it,
put two and two together...

Bingo.

Drugs deal gone wrong.

You know the one thing I told Nina
before I left?

Said I wouldn't smoke a cigarette.

I told Amy this was going to be
a fairly laid-back trip.

On account of our ages.

Do you think Alvo knew what was on that boat?

Nah, not drugs.
He was a grafter, wasn't he?

He'd sell you his mum,
but he weren't into that.

What about that motorbike courier yesterday?

Giving him that package. Just before
we all went out. That was well suspect.

Yeah, that was weird.

So... So... Alvo's on the boat.

Then what?

Well, if they haven't found him by Monday
evening, we should go to the cops.

And tell them he's missing. Explain that we
haven't seen him since he left the island

and erm...
and we're concerned for his safety.

Yeah. Say he was a bit upset.
Didn't seem himself.

Exactly, you know, paint a picture,

but unfortunately we can't stick around because
we've got a flight booked et cetera, et cetera.

That was a fuck of a lot of money, though,
wasn't it?

Come on. Let's have it.

If we did have it, what would that be each?

- Five hundred grand?
- More.

Six hundred and seventy-five thousand, each.

He's worked it out already, look!

Yeah, less the one hundred grand
that bloke took.

Six hundred and fifty thousand each.

- You have been thinking about it!
- And that's at current exchange rates.

I mean morally,
we haven't done anything wrong.

No, we haven't.

We didn't ask to go on the boat.

We didn't kill Alvo, and we didn't know there
was gonna be any drugs on there, did we?

- We could say we found the money.
- How would we get it back?

- Safer to leave it here.
- Not in the car?

No! Set up a series of offshore accounts...

- Don't be fucking stupid.
- He wasn't being serious.

Firstly, somebody's going to come looking
for that money sooner rather than later.

You don't just let three million euros disappear.

Secondly, we spend any of that money,
then we are criminals.

And thirdly,
we'd never get away with it, would we?

I mean, we're not crooks, we're just...

four Herberts.

Our phones.
Our phones are still in that safe.

Maybe we're just going to
have to leave them here.

(Distant siren)

- What are we going to do with him?
- Hide him! Obviously.

Yeah! Where?

- 0h, shit!
- Sorry, Alv.

(Rick) Right. Deep freeze in the kitchen.

It's huge. There'll be no stink.

(Siren approaching)

Right, right, right!

0K, get him in, we'll stall them.

Hello.

Hi. What's going on?

Stick it in the sink.

- (an... Can we come in?
- ls there something wrong?

Shit. Try and bend him.

- Ain't happening.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.

We are conducting an investigation.

What about?

OK. OK, OK... OK.

- Cut his feet off.
- what?

- Get me the biggest knife you can find.
- You can't cut his feet off!

WelL he ain't going dancing
any time soon, is he?!

lsus Milic, the man who owned the boat
that was missing.

He has been murdered.

Oh...

Oh, er... I, erm...
Oh, that's terrible.

I want to cut his feet off, not butter him!

Come on, get him up.
Get him on that slab. Ready?

Two...

I just need the key for the gate.

Erm, have you got the key, Quinn?

Er, no, I think Woody's got it.

(an you... Could you get it?

Yeah.

Won't be a minute.

Two, three...

Give me a cleaver.

- Wait a second. Wouldn't it be quicker just to...
- what?

- I can't even say it.
- What?!

Cut his head off.

Good. Good, good.

Good, good, good, good.

I can't do it.

Won't be a sec.

Seguro que la puerta es electrénica.

It's OK, nearly done.

He'll fit now.

Just give us two minutes for a wipe round.

Hiya.
Sorry, I was just off for an early night.

We would like, if you don't mind,
to interview you all, one by one.

Who would like to come first?

Going to have another party?

Can you write down
your name and address, please.

P awece muse.

He says you seem tense.

Maybe I should massage your shoulders.

Le he (fiche que dehefla dafle un masége.

Er... Are you tense?

No.

Mr Baxter.

You work with Alvo?

No. I have my own business.

Ah, so you are rich and successful,
like your friend!

Me? No. I wish.

Why? You have problems with money?

What? No. Why do you say that?

Your friend Alvo is on the mainland?

Yes.

Where?

He didn't say.

Why?

I don't know.

But you ask him?

Yes.

No, we didn't ask him.
It was none of our business.

- What is Alvo's business?
- It's property. Buying and selling.

And you? What do you do?

I'm a lecturer, in psychology.

Psicologia...

So you know about "good cop bad cop"?

Sure.

Which do you think I am?

The good cop or the bad cop?

Did Alvo talk about Jesus?

No.

- Yeah, he mentioned him to me a few times.
- Mmm.

That... That's not what your friend Quinn said.

He said he didn't mention him.

WelL maybe it was just to me.

Oh, come to think of it,
erm, Quinn wasn't in the room...

when he mentioned him to me.

Alone.

You have a hire car?

Sorry?

You have rented a car.

From the airport.

Right.

So where is it? I didn't see it outside.

Oh, we went into town last night and, erm...

We all got pretty drunk so we left it in town.

Last night you said you had a party,
in the villa.

Well, yeah, yeah, we went... We went into town
first and then came back here.

So where is the car?

Can't remember.

We all got really drunk and... Whoooo...

would you like us to find it for you? Hm?

No, no, that's fine, the, er, the boys...
I'm sure the lads will know where it is.

We know Alvo was in the UK last month.

Did you see him then?

Yes.

And you...

have no job of work at the moment.

So how do you manage for money?

I'm a financial consultant.

An accountant?

No, not really. I advise.

I don't really see what this has got to do with...

Have you ever advised...
Alvo on financial issues?

I think I should have a lawyer present.

Do you want to call a lawyer? Please.

Why do you think you need a lawyer?

Have you done something?

When Alvo was in the UK last month,
he saw your friend, Mr Woods.

Did he see you too?

No.

Ven aqui.

Didn't even mention anything about the boat.

It was all very sort of general chat...

Yeah, asking stuff like when we last saw Alvo.

Month ago, apparently, Woody?

You kept that one quiet.

Is there anything else you want to tell us?

You have been helpful.

When Mr Alvo returns could you ask him
to call me, yes?

I'll leave you my card, 0K?

Er, so have you er...
any idea who killed him, then?

No, now we cannot say. Sorry.

Oh! My glasses.

(Alvo) Well, you'd do the same for me, right?

- Came on, we haven't got all day.
- All right!

Who's going to drive this boat, Alvo?

Drive it? Me. Who do you think?

- Do you know how to?
- Yeah, I'm a man of many talents.

I hope you're getting all this.
This might be the last anyone ever sees of us.