Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Toothpick - full transcript

Unbelievable.

- Why would you do that?
- Sorry.

What happened? What did I do?

It was right there in
front of me the whole time.

I can't believe I didn't see it.

Okay, just to be clear,
you not seeing whatever

you didn't see, that
wasn't my fault, right?

I figured out what I'm
gonna do with my life.

Okay.

I just talked to Tonya.

I'm gonna get my hours at her practice.



Help me?

I have my Master's.

Yes, your SML... SMS... FFMS?

MSW. Masters in Social Work.

I was so close, yes.

I have the degree, but do you remember

why I never got my patient hours?

Remind me.

Because to be a licensed therapist,

you need 2,000 hours of
supervised counseling.

Which seems excessive.

Exactly, so I mentioned
that to Tonya and she said,

"Why don't you let me supervise you?"

How great is that? To be
supervised by my friend



who also happens to
be a brilliant shrink.

Oh, that is genius.

I have been spinning around
in circles about my next move,

and this was staring me
in the face the whole time.

I can't believe I didn't think of it.

Oh, that's fantastic, honey.

- Why didn't you think of it?
- There it is.

Hey, riddle me this.

Everywhere you go,
they're selling matcha.

People are drinking matcha,
they're eating matcha...

I don't know what matcha is.
Nobody knows what matcha is!

It's green tea.

Okay.

So what's going on here?
What are you doing?

I'm digitizing all the scrapbooks

I put together for Mabel.

Why?

So she'll have them.
Once I'm busy with work,

I'm not gonna have time to do it.

I've been meaning to
get to this forever.

I think it's so cute

that you think she's gonna
actually want any of these.

Of course she will.

Have you met our daughter?
She's not a sentimental person.

And she hates seeing
pictures of herself.

It's not just pictures. There's also...

You saved her teeth?

Yes and her hair from her first haircut

and her tiny toenails.

Well, this is great,
in case you ever have

to build her again from scratch.

Everybody saves their kid's teeth.

All right, this is all of them.

So I've got zero to two,

two to four, nine, all the way up to...

Wait a minute.

What happened to 13 through 15?

You know what, as I recall,
those were not great years.

Maybe you threw it out.

Sfogliatelle!

Same to you.

Sfogliatelle, wait till you taste this.

- Buongiorno.
- Buongiorno.

This woman never made
pastries before in her life.

First attempt. James, look at this.

Is this not a thing of beauty?

No, no, no, no. English, English.

Come on, we've gotta practice.

He so embarrass me.

Everything I do is "most best".

No, "is best".

Si.

Something is the best
or you like it the most.

We don't say "most best".

This is what I say. "Most best".

These are beautiful.

Okay, no kidding. That's the most best.

Do you guys want some coffee?

- Yeah, sure.
- No, grazie.

Is okay. You stay,

I go to restaurant, open up.

All right, you know what?
I'll walk out with you.

Hey, hey, come here.

Mmm.

You're gonna see her
in like a half an hour!

Good-bye, my love.

Time will crawl until I see you again.

Oh, boy, you guys must
miss a lot of buses.

What? How do you two say good-bye?

Watch. Bye, babe.

See ya.

Oh, boy, oh boy.
You two are great together.

James, I know.

I don't even know
what to do with myself.

You know, I think I may
have to marry this woman!

- For real?
- Yes!

No, no. I don't know.

You know, after Marianne,
I swore that I would

never marry again, but
now it's like I am dizzy.

It's like I don't know what
to do with all this love.

James, I can't stop
thinking about marriage.

It's like some horrible
magnet pulling me in.

That's just what they say.
Marriage is a horrible magnet.

Listen, you did not ask my advice...

No, no, no, no. I am.

You seem a little ambivalent.

I think you should take a
minute and think about it.

This is not a decision that
should be made impulsively.

Yeah... yeah. You're right.

James, this is why you're
gonna be a great therapist.

You're smart, level-headed...

you are the sanest person that I know.

What are these, teeth?

Hey, how's it going?

Hi. Yasmeen?

Oh, God, I'm still here.

What's going on?
Where's... where's Lucas?

Possibly out in the street
banging his head against a wall,

wondering why he listened
to your stupid note

that blew up his whole movie.

Or maybe the bathroom.

You know what, I find it hard to believe

that my one little suggestion...

Ruined the movie? Yeah, it did.

And the guy who made it. You happy?

You took America's hottest
director and you broke him.

Well, I certainly didn't mean to...

Okay, let's get back to... oh... you.

- I just came in to apologize.
- Okay.

If I caused any trouble with
the one little suggestion

I made, which I was reluctant to share,

if you recall, I truly apologize.

Got it.

Can we get back to work, please?

I have to get home and feed my cat.

Or bury my cat.

Okay, show me.

And I want you to follow orders.

Close the damn airlock!

Okay, that's good. Next.

What are you... what are
you doing... what is that?

It's a chess clock.

It accelerates the
decision-making process

and ends a lot of disagreements.

And here's this one, I trimmed it up.

No, go back to the way it was.

- You sure?
- Definitely.

What's next?

Okay, that's really...

that's so smart. That's really cool.

I can't say anything
because he's my boss,

but you should tell him to leave.

Please leave.

I sense it's not coming from
you, but okay, yes, I'll leave.

Hold on. Tomorrow morning, 10:00 sharp.

I got the big studio
muckety-mucks coming,

- so I'm gonna need you...
- You want me to sit in and watch you?

- No, God no!
- Are you insane?

Okay, why is everybody yelling?

I need everything to
go 100% smoothly, okay?

Make sure the place is clean,
pay your electrical bill,

make sure there's coffee and
Danish... nothing can go wrong.

- You got it.
- Okay... and open up early

because there'll be here early.

Okay, you got it.

Okay, here's the next change.

It's not about what's fair,
it's about what's right.

That's good. Next.

You sure about going
to the close-up there?

I'm gonna leave. Time me.

- Oh, you're still at it?
- Yep.

Any luck finding your
mysteriously missing scrapbook?

Nope, I turned this place upside down.

I did find three dead remotes,

$1.37 in change and a mouse skeleton.

Maybe Murray's imaginary mouse...

Not so imaginary.

And I found an old
joint, which I smoked.

Oh, no, no, honey.
Pot makes you paranoid.

Who told you that?

I stand... I stand corrected.

How much of it did you smoke?

- All of it.
- All of it?

I don't know... pot was
old, I don't think it worked.

Anyway, the scrapbook's gone.

Someone stole it.

I think the pot's working.

What's that?

This, my friend, is a gift for you.

Little something I thought
might come in handy

as you start this new chapter
of your professional career.

- Honey, that's so sweet.
- It's a clock.

It's a chess clock.

Yeah! Isn't it cool?

You know I'm gonna be a therapist,

not an old man in Central Park, right?

Yeah, but I figured,
you know, when you were

with a patient and the session's over,

you could go, "Time's up".

Yes, and then he can
go, "Bishop to King 4".

Sure. If he wants to do that,

there's no reason he
couldn't do that with this.

It's very, very, sweet. Thank you.

Yeah, I always wanted one of these...

The only other person
who could've taken it...

Who take... what, what?

The scrapbook. The only other person

who could have taken it is Mabel.

Sweetie, not to hurt your
feelings, Mabel does not

care about a scrapbook. I promise you.

We'll see. I'm texting her.

Well, James, I took your advice.

I asked Lucia to marry me.

Guess what? She said no.

What... wait, what... what?
You're getting married?

Not if you go by what I just said.

I am... confused.
You told him to ask her?

I'm a little high, but I
don't think I said that.

Hey, come on, it's all
right, it's all good.

I'm... I'm gonna cook something.

You guys... you guys
mind if I cook something?

I'm gonna cook something. Who's hungry?

- I'm starving.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

- Ira, are you sure you're...
- Ah... ah.

Got it.

Best piece of cooking advice I ever got?

Start with a pot of boiling water.

'Cause chances are, no
matter what you're making,

at some point, you're gonna want

a pot of boiling water, right?

Ira, are you sure you're okay?

What, about Lucia? Yes, I'm great.

I mean, look, if it's not meant to be,

it's not meant to be. So now I know.

Asked and answered.

Okay, let's see what you got here.

Who am I texting again?

Mabel.

Hey...

I'm confused. When...
when Lucia said no,

are you sure you
understood her correctly?

Oh, I understood her just fine.

She said no.

In English or Italian?
What's the Italian word for no?

No.

Oh, very similar, I gotta say.

- What is this?
- Ooh, that looks good to me.

It just... it doesn't make any sense.

Look, we know...

I think this is spoiled.

We know Lucia's crazy about you, right?

So can you think of any reason

why she wouldn't want to get married?

Nope, although there
was that agreement we had

where we both swore that
no matter what happens,

we'd never get married.

I don't think you told me that.

- What?
- We both had bad experiences,

so the thinking was maybe

marriage was something we shouldn't do.

Well, then maybe it's for the best.

What you have going is going great,

so let it be what it is.

Hey, marriage isn't for everyone.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Eh, it's not.

I mean, you and I happen
to be very good at it.

Why am I texting your mother?

Okay, you know what, maybe
put down the phone, Cheech.

- I'm such an idiot.
- No, no, no, hey.

No, it's true. Everything
was going great

and now I messed it all up.

What is wrong with me?

You know... I can't cook now.

There's semi-hot water here if you want.

I'm gonna go lie down for
a while in Mabel's room.

- Of course.
- Yeah... oh, there's no bed.

I don't deserve a bed!

This is really disappointing.

I think he'll be okay.

No, I'm saying I'm really hungry.

A word of advice?
Maybe stop when you hit table.

If you care at all about
keeping me under 300 pounds,

do not let me get high again.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Can I get you folks anything else?

- Another piece of pie?
- No... no.

We don't wanna fill up.

Remember, we've got that
pot of tepid water at home.

This whole Ira thing... I'm so confused.

- Before you convinced him to propose...
- I didn't.

But, did he give any reason,

like why he wants to get
married all of a sudden?

He was dizzy talking about
love, there was singing...

Yeah, but you know what,
that's Ira all the time.

Just doesn't make any sense.

Why would somebody wanna
get married at our age?

I mean, are you kidding?

Like we would have the
strength to be newlyweds?

I don't have the strength
to be newly anything.

If you ask me, they dodged a bullet.

Think of all the petty stuff

- they won't have to deal with now.
- Really.

Thank God that's all behind us.

What?

- Just forget about it.
- No, don't do that.

If you have something you wanna say...

No, because you obviously don't get it.

- Oh, okay. Please, don't say that.
- What?

Okay, 'cause I hate
when you say I don't get it.

Well I hate when you don't get it.

- Look.
- I just don't understand.

We're leaving a restaurant,
you grab yourself a toothpick,

but you don't think to get one for me.

Okay, look. It's not
that I deliberately...

I know, I know. I know.
You didn't deliberately

not get me one, it just didn't
occur to you to get me one.

That's all I'm saying.

How does it not occur to you when

we've been having this
conversation for 25 years?

Okay, 'cause, look...

You know what? I'm
just gonna make it simple

moving forward, okay? Here's the rule.

If you're getting something
for yourself, whatever it is,

a toothpick, a cup of
coffee, a stick of gum,

ask and see if I would
like one, too, okay?

Does that make sense?

Of... yes, of course,
absolutely it does, yes.

Thank you.

- However.
- Oh, my God.

In this particular situation,

the reason it didn't occur to me...

Please let me find
another joint to smoke.

The reason it didn't
occur to me is that,

because in all the years I've known you,

I've never seen you
use a toothpick ever.

That's because you've
never offered me one.

You... look, I get your point.
I understand the point

that if I'm getting
something, you know, nice,

I should see if you'd like one, too.

- Yes, that's all I'm saying.
- I understand.

That makes perfect sense. But let me...

just, okay, as an example.

Okay, say I have an itch, right?

A little itch in the back of my neck.

Now, my natural instinct
would be to scratch it, right?

Taking care of a momentary need.

Is that being inconsiderate?

Like, am I supposed to stop
and think, "You know, I wonder

if Jamie's neck itches too?

Maybe as long as I'm
scratching, I could scratch..."

I mean, that would be
nuts, don't you think?

I gotta tell you, one of
us doesn't survive this.

Point being, I only grabbed a toothpick

for myself because I
had a thing in my teeth.

It wasn't a luxury item and by the way,

I think it would be
presumptuous of me to assume

you have something in your teeth.

Any chance you guys could keep it down?

- Oh, hi.
- Sorry.

- How are you doing?
- I'm better.

Thanks... thanks for letting me stay.

You stay as long as you want.

You're the best.

I promise I won't be a bother.

You're out of toilet paper.

Look, this... this is getting silly.

- Oh.
- If, you know, okay...

if you know that this
silly toothpick thing,

for whatever reason,
is a blind spot for me,

why can't you just accept that,

enjoy all the things
you do like about me,

and let this one go?

Because even though
you think it's silly,

it means something to me. Why
can't you just accept that?

- Okay, because...
- And admit that you were wrong.

That... you see, okay. I know...

I know how much you like to be right.

I don't like to be right,
I'm just usually right.

- Ha!
- What?

Mabel has the book.

- What book?
- The scrapbook.

The scrapbook that you thought

she wasn't sentimental enough to want?

She has it and she's
bringing it back tomorrow.

- So that means I was...
- Whatever.

Yeah, yeah, it seems like
the whole time I was...

Yeah, I wasn't so much wrong as I was...

Okay, yes, you were right.

Thank you.

However...

Oh, my gosh, look at this.

Just a little thank you nibble.

Totally unnecessary.

Hey... whoa, Ira, you're
feeling better, huh?

Much better.

I woke up this morning

and I realized Lucia's exactly right.

We're happy. Why should
we change anything?

Exactly.

And like you said,
marriage isn't for everyone.

Right.

Yeah, and frankly,

listening to you two
argue about a toothpick

for 40 straight minutes...
not exactly a selling point.

- Have a good one.
- All right. See ya.

Okay, sweetie, I gotta get going, too.

I gotta open up early.
Big mucky-mucks coming.

Are we good with the toothpick thing?

- I'm good.
- Great, me, too.

- Great.
- Great.

All right, I love you.
I'll see you later.

Love you.

And by the way, if I'm
such an inconsiderate guy,

would I have gotten
you such a nice clock?

Nobody said you were inconsiderate.

Exactly so, checkmate.

Never mind the fact that
it's something you wanted

and makes no sense as a gift for me.

So... double checkmate.

Well, for your information,

there's no such thing as
double checkmate, so...

For your information,
the reason I would never

know that is that I don't give a shit.

I don't know about chess.
I don't care about chess!

Well, then I guess you
won't be needing this.

- Hey.
- Hi, look who's here.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.

Oh, this is so great.

Oh, I just wanted to drop
off... ooh, what's that?

It's a chess clock. Would you like it?

Is it okay if I leave a load
of a laundry to do later?

Sure, do you want me to do it for you?

That's kind of what I meant
when I said, "do it later".

Sweetie, did you remember
to bring the scrapbook?

I did, yep. It's right here.

Hope it's okay I borrowed it.

Of course, and Daddy thought
you weren't sentimental.

I'm not what?

I think it's so nice
you wanted a keepsake.

A little something from
home to take to school

and show your friends.

Is that what you thought?

Yes, why else would you take it?

I brought it in for my psych class.

We were talking about
obsessive compulsive behavior

and attachment issues.

But... did you see what
a beautiful job Mommy

did on these books for you?

- These are beautiful.
- Oh, yeah.

The books are so nice

and they're, like, crazy thorough.

Not crazy... I'm saying thorough.

Yes, right.

I gotta go. Thanks for the laundry.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Thank you for not gloating
about the book in front of her.

Yeah, well, hey, listen,
you know I would never

disagree with you in front of the kid.

Wait a second...

okay, I think I know what's
been happening here recently.

Yes.

Ever since Mabel left,

I... I think I've been
pushing back a little more.

As opposed to?

As opposed to before... all those years,

whenever there was a
disagreement between us,

I would try to keep the
peace for Mabel's sake.

I did a lot of acquiescing.

- Really?
- Yes.

And I think...

I think I've done you
a terrible disservice.

- Really?
- Yes, because I... I've led you to believe

you're much more right
than you actually are.

You're not that right.
And you know what?

If something ever, God
forbid, happened to me

and you were pushed out
into the wild to argue,

I don't think you would survive

with your false sense
of argument success.

Hmm... I think I would
do just fine in the wild.

You wanna worry? I'd
worry about the wild.

She said yes.

What?

I'm heading over there to apologize,

I get like halfway down
the block, Lucia calls.

She says she's the one
who should apologize

and yes, of course, she'll marry me.

And then you decided to come here?

So you're getting married?

It appears so.

But you just said you didn't want to.

- I don't.
- Why don't you tell that to Lucia?

Because she just said yes.

How does it look if
she says yes and I say,

"You know, I changed my mind.
Let's just stick with no".

Oh, Ira.

You know, and... and she wants me

to invite you guys to
dinner tonight to celebrate.

To celebrate this engagement
you didn't mean to have?

- Yes.
- Well, we'll be there for that, sure.

Ira, Ira...

Well now, you told me. You were right.

"Don't make an impulsive decision".

So stupid...

Paulie, listen to this woman. Always.

She is always right.

You're so not helping here.

A meal like that, you gotta cap off

with a little grappa... there you go.

Okay, well to Ira and Lucia,

may your marriage be long and fruitful

and may you have the
same joy we have had.

- Salud.
- Salud.

Wow, mother of God,
that's just horrible.

- Wow, that's delicious.
- Hit me again.

You see, that's why
we're so good together,

'cause we agree on everything.

So, tell us.

What is secret for long years marriage?

Oh, well, you're asking the right people

'cause the great thing about us?

We never argue, never fight.

Yeah, right. They've been fighting

over a toothpick for the last 24 hours.

We've been fighting over that toothpick

for the last 25 years.

That's why you have to get married

and stay married,
'cause a lot of these fights,

they take forever.
If you get out too early,

then you never find out who wins.

- It's about communication.
- That's what I'm trying to say.

It's about who wins the communication.

You know, here's a question.

And I want you to answer honestly.

Why did you change your mind?

Why did you say yes after you said no?

Because I love you.

And you want to be married, yes?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
again, and this time,

don't think about me,
I want... I want you

to answer honestly, but for yourself.

Lucia Francavella, will you marry me?

Yes.

Lucia Francavella...

do you want to marry me?

Do I want to? No, not really.

Me neither.

- So, okay!
- So we leave it the way it is?

- Si!
- We don't get married?

Yes, like I say first time.

Lucia,

oh you've made me
the happiest man in the world.

- Okay.
- All right.

We've seen this part before.

All right, you two, cut it out.

Hey, just... just so we're clear,
we just had a fantastic meal

celebrating the fact that
you're not getting married?

- Si!
- Exactly.

- Works for me.
- Buona sera.

- All right, good night...
- This is a wonderful woman.

- You should marry her.
- Don't get him started again.

- Aww, was that so hard?
- Yeah, yeah, watch.

You probably won't even use it now.

- Oh, I'll use it.
- Ow!

I gotta say again,

it just feels completely unfair

that the studio would
accuse you of locking them

out of the building when
I was only 15 minutes late.

It was an hour.

But that... that was my fault,
that wasn't your fault.

Actually, it was my wife's fault,

but let's not dredge that up again.

Listen, if you like,

I can call the studio and... okay.

But hey, if you ever do need
any post-production facility

in the future, I certainly
hope you'll consider...

Yeah, that's probably a no...