Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Restraining Orders and Puppies - full transcript

♪♪

Yeah, this is broken.

Wow, what's all this?

This, my darling, is paradise.

Our first breakfast in Tahiti.

No kid, no rush, just you and me

and this champagne, ultimately,

and... and... and the bagels
that you went out to get

- and seem to not have.
- Oh, right, yes.

You went out... you
went out to get bagels

and forgot to get bagels?



I didn't forget. They were out.

The whole city?

I know. Do you know what happened?

I don't.

What... what are you looking for now?

I think we have some frozen ones.

Sweetie, sweetie,
we've talked about this.

If you talk into the
freezer nobody can hear you,

so you got to face me. Face me.

I said I think we've got
some frozen bagels in there.

See, now, that I can hear.

What happened to all the bagels?

We had all those bagels yesterday.

- Lisa.
- Oh... oh, great.



How good do you think
these bagels are gonna be

if they're behind our wedding cake?

- And what is this?
- Breast milk.

- Whose?
- Go with your first guess.

Wh... why do we still have it?

You never know.

- I think I do know.
- Ha.

- Found them.
- [BAGELS THUD]

Oh, and they sound delicious, too.

- Yeah.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

- Get toasting, my friend.
- The...

I mean, I don't even
know if we can cut these.

- They're so full of...
- Sweetie, if you want me to hear it,

we got to be in the same
room, and you got to face me.

Hey.

I had a very interesting call

I thought I should discuss with you.

- From who?
- Hey, Tonya.

- Hey.
- Care for a bagel?

- Sure.
- Give me two to three weeks.

- A call from who?
- Your daughter.

Is everything okay? What happened?

- Why isn't...
- She's fine.

Mabel has asked me to act as
her official emotional buffer

after you apparently dropped by

her dorm this morning unannounced.

What?

- You went to her dorm this morning?
- No.

Okay, that's why you
didn't get the bagels.

Okay, that... you know what?

That makes so much more
sense than the city was out.

Mabel maintains that
you not only dropped by,

but you made quite a scene.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It was hardly a scene.

I dropped off a little
care package for her.

I didn't even go in!

I barely went in!

Uh-huh.

So here's what's gonna happen.

You are gonna back off and give
your daughter a little space.

She has all the space in the world.

She's five blocks away.

I have been instructed to write up

a legally binding contract
between you and your daughter.

- A contract?
- Which states as follows,

"Mother and child shall have no
contact for the next 48 hours,

including but not
limited to personal visits,

phone calls, texts, emails, Instagrams,

Instagram direct messages, Facebook,

Facebook messages, Snapchat,

TikTok, Periscope,

and any new media created
between now and Wednesday".

That's a big list.

What about him? He's
allowed to talk to her?

He wasn't named as an offending party.

So I just need you to
sign here and initial here,

here, and here.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Fine, I'll sign your stupid thing.

And it seems an
appropriate at the moment

to remind you that my support
group meets tonight at 6:00.

Yeah, still, no, same as the
last time you mentioned it.

What, uh... what group is this?

I run a support group for empty nesters.

Lots of parents struggle when
their kids go off to school.

Struggling is perfectly acceptable.

It's the breaking and
entering that's frowned upon.

I don't know.

It sounds like that could be
helpful. Don't you think?

No, I don't think, because I'm fine.

I understand boundaries.

Besides, I can't do it tonight anyway.

I've got to drop off a sweater

and a new smoke alarm for Mabel's room.

I don't trust the ones they have there.

Fine, 6:00. Don't worry about it.

[EASYGOING MUSIC]

♪♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

What do I love about the ultra-discreet

Flo-Now 1000 men's pocket catheter?

It's always here when I need to go.

You like that one better?

It's hard to say.

For some reason, it's... it's not...

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- I don't know.

The way he's saying
it doesn't sound fun.

Okay, well, in all fairness...

and no disrespect, you know,

to your firm or the catheter industry,

but he's talking about
shoving a plastic tube

up his shmelzin, you know?

So it's kind of hard
to sell the fun there.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Yeah. I don't know.

You guys work on that.
I'm gonna take a leak.

With the Flo-Now 1000 pocket catheter,

you wouldn't even have to walk away.

You could just piss
yourself right in the chair.

Okay.

Hey, this might be the greatest

catheter commercial ever made.

That's very kind of you to say, Yasmeen.

Do you know, when I was your age,

I was number five on the list

of "Top 20 Young Film
Makers to Keep an Eye On".

[CHUCKLES]

And look at me now.

"I'm wearing a cardboard belt".

From the movie, "The Producers".

You've never seen "The Producers"?

Is there a catheter in it?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Man, you're very popular today.

I am. It's my daughter.

Usually she texts my wife all day,

but they're not talking to each other.

In fact, my wife had to sign a whole...

You don't care. It's nice.

It's kind of nice,
actually, to be needed and...

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, boy.

These are all emojis.

What is... what is that? A spider?

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Okay, words.

"So gross. My roommate
won't stop leaving her"...

- Okay, you do it.
- You can't say "vibrator"?

Yeah, I'd rather not.

"My roommate won't stop leaving her"...

- "Vibrator"...
- "Around.

What should I do? It's skeeving me out".

Okay.

She asks a very good question.

"Maybe ask Mom".

Ooh, she's not talking
to her mom, remember?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

"Not talking to Mom, remember?"

You know what? The two of
you should get together.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- God, she's fast.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Give me a second!

She should just talk to her.

"Just talk to her"...

uh, I get... all right...

"about respecting shared space".

[CELL PHONE BLOOPS]

Hmm?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

"Okay". Four heart emojis.

"Love you, Daddy-o", exclamation point,

kissy emoji.

How about that, huh? Come on.

Daddy started out a little
shaky, but look at me now.

You're wearing a cardboard belt!

- Hey.
- Hello.

What are you up to there?

Throwing out pictures of Mabel.

Hmm, throwing out?

Or not really throwing out,

so much as making a
commemorative collage?

Is there a contract
that says I can't look

at pictures of her now?

No, no, that's perfectly fine.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

- Who's that?
- Nobody.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- What, is she texting you all day now?

- No.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Here and there, I'll get a text.

What is she texting you about?

- Nothing.
- About me?

No.

- Do you even know what to say to her?
- What?

I bet you don't even
know what to say to her.

Hey, I think I know how
to talk to my own daughter.

Well, don't come crying
to me when the whole thing

turns to hell because
she needs her mother.

I'm not crying. You know what?

Go back to your little hobby
with the glue and the pic...

- Look, Murray, huh?
- Oh, Murray.

- Yeah, Murray was a good dog.
- I miss Murray.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Is that her?

- Uh, nope.
- Liar.

- What if it is?
- Let me see it.

No. Hey, aren't you supposed to be going

to Tonya's maladjusted-parents thing?

I don't need it.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- That's her.

- No, it's not.
- I know it is.

- No, you... no, no!
- Just let me look at one text!

I'll never bother you
again your whole life.

Oh, fine.

It's Yasmeen.

"I found a happier take
of the catheter guy".

Yay!

The other day I call my daughter.

Took her six hours to call me back.

[ALL GROANING]

Know what I said to
her when I picked up?

- What?
- Nothing.

Because I didn't pick up.

- Hey.
- Good for you.

Good for you, Todd.

You want to play games, sweetheart?

Well, Daddy can play, too.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, my son's at Duke, but, you know,

I have not hacked into his
web cam to check in on him

for two whole weeks.

One day at a time, baby.

So when does the meeting actually start?

Is there, like, a
private room or something?

The meeting's already started, Jamie.

This is it.

This is just drinking.

The drinking is the meeting.

When it comes to the
pain of empty nest...

ALL: Nothing helps.

You have not touched your drink, Jamie.

Oh, I'm good. I'm afraid
I'm a bit of a lightweight.

ALL: Oh.

If you want to be in the group,
you're gonna have to drink.

You don't have to drink, Jamie.

The important thing is
that you're here with people

who know exactly what
you're going through.

You know, honest to God,

this group is the only
thing that's kept me sane

since my Piper left for Villanova.

I think the first week's got
to be tough for everybody.

First week?

Piper just started grad school.

Do you know what? Enough about us.

Jamie, who left your
nest all sad and empty?

Well, I have a daughter, Mabel.

She's a freshman,

and, yeah, having her so far away,

it feels like I'm missing a limb.

BOTH: Mm.

Long distance is a killer.
Where does she go?

Hawaii.

University of Haleakala.

- Oh, my God, drink.
- That is so far!

Hawaii?

That's interesting because I thought...

- Hey, cheers, everybody.
- [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

Okay, I'm here.

What was so important?

Voilà. DNA testing kits, Paulie.

One for you, one for me.

Please tell me this is not

'cause of that one stupid food critic.

I'll show him. He has the testicoli...

the nerve to say that I am not Italian.

Yeah, but only 'cause you're not.

What are you talking about?
My whole life I've known.

Even when I was a kid, I-I always felt,

- you know, different.
- Italian.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, I always identified as Italian,

and people look at me as Italian.

I'll never forget the day
I broke it to my parents

- that I was Italian.
- Really?

- How... how did they take it?
- They were surprised.

Yeah, yeah. And you know why?

Because you're not Italian.

Okay, okay, smart guy.

How do you... how do
you explain two years ago

when I went to Italy?

The second I got off the plane,

the first breath of air, I knew.

And then meeting Lucia...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- What did... what'd she say?
- It's a private joke.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, are you ready to spit with me?

- [SIGHS]
- Hey.

Oh, Dad, I'm glad you're here.

How did you... how'd
you know I would be here?

I didn't. I'm picking up food.

- Hey, I
- I give her food sometimes.

I'm really glad you're
here. I got to talk to you.

Everything okay?

How'd things work out
with your roommate?

Oh, great, yeah. Your advice was great.

My advice was great, okay.

But I've got a bigger problem now.

- You ready for this?
- Uh-huh.

She sleeps with her eyes open.

- Who?
- My roommate.

- You... you sure she's asleep?
- Yeah, yeah, totally.

She is sound asleep but her
eyes never close. It's like...

- All night!
- Hmm.

- So I need your advice.
- Oh.

- Advise me.
- Yes, okay.

Um...

Uh, uh, maybe talk to her.

I can't.

She's still mad at me for
talking about her vibrator.

Okay, you know what? I don't
even like it when you say it.

Don't... don't... don't say it.

Uh, all right, well, you know what?

Cover your eyes. Just put...
get a little sleep mask,

- one of those things.
- No. I can't sleep with anything on my face.

I feel like I'm buried alive.

I... you know, I don't know.

Maybe take a pillow,
put it over her face,

and then, you know... [GRUNTS] You know?

- That would probably do it.
- Here you go.

This should hold you
for a couple of days.

Thank you. Great.
I got to get to class. Bye.

- Ciao, Lucia.
- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[ALL LAUGHING]

- What was that?
- It's a private joke.

All right, let's get to this.

So what do we do? We... we just...

- You spit into the tubes?
- Yeah, yeah.

- We just spit into the tube.
- Hey, Ira.

Craig, listen...

uh, you mind bringing
this around to the back?

Uh, sorry. I'm double-parked out there.

I got three more stops
that I... You got it.

- Very impressive.
- Yeah.

I got that down to an
art. Believe it, Paulie.

A crisp 20, flick of the
wrist, works every time.

It's a thing of beauty,
how you did that.

- Just a little.
- Yeah. All right, let's do this.

So what is it? So you
spit into the tubes...

Yeah. Oh, wait.

- Prosciutto.
- What?

Here. Rub some of this on your gums.

It'll increase the Italian-ness.

May... maybe you don't understand this.

They test what's in your
genes, not in your teeth.

- Well, it can't hurt.
- No.

I'm not gonna rub meat on my gum...

Hey.

Get it, girl! Come on!

Get it! That's it!

Ahh.

Here's to 18 years of being screamed at

- and puked on.
- And peed on!

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

Ah, and here's to
cutting her grapes in half

and then peeling them because she said

the skin made her teeth feel itchy!

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

Ahh.

And here's to me for being brave enough

to break into her
freakin' dorm this morning.

Wait, I thought you said...

Here's to making such
great time coming all

- the way back from Hawaii.
- Cheers.

[SNORING]

[GASPS]

[CONTINUES SNORING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What the...

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]

- Honey?
- Mm?

- Swee... sweetie?
- Mm.

- Do me a favor.
- Mm.

Feel your head.

Puppy.

Yes.

There was a puppy on my head.

Yes.

- From where?
- Exactly.

Did you get me a puppy?

I did not.

- Did you get me a puppy?
- I don't think so, no.

[GASPS]

Oh, wait.

Okay.

When I was on my way home last night,

I found this sweet little baby
wandering the streets alone

without a collar or
anything, and I rescued her.

I rescued him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Did Mommy rescue you,
you cute little baby boy?

- Okay, nobody get up.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Daddy will get the door,

'cause apparently Mommy had
a few cocktails last night,

and now Mommy don't feel so good, huh?

- Hello, Buchmans.
- Hey.

- One Buchman.
- Yeah.

- What's up, Mr. Wicker?
- Oh.

The Berkowitzes down in 4D,

they're looking for their dog, Puddin',

so I'm going door to door
to see if somebody found him.

- Hi, Mr. Wicker.
- Hmm.

The Berkowitzes' dog is missing.

Been missing since last night.

- We'll keep our eyes open.
- Okay, sweetie.

- No.
- Sweetie.

Fine. Here.

Oh, see?

- I knew that was him.
- Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Thanks.

You made some very happy Berkowitzes.

Sweetie, so, when you say...
when you say you found him

- in the street...
- Street, hallway...

What's the difference? He's gone.

They tell you to cherish every moment,

- but you never do.
- What are you t...

- We had the dog 40 seconds.
- You don't get it.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

That's Mabel. She's come to her senses.

She knows a stupid
contract isn't the way...

- Is this face-recognizing?
- Yeah.

All right, here. Well,
show it your face.

- What did you do?
- I...

- Look normal.
- I...

- See?
- Bingo.

Okay.

- Good Lord.
- Now what?

"Daddy, I need you.
Will you come help me?"

I remember being needed like that.

Who am I kidding? No, I don't.

- I love you.
- Whatever.

You told me to do it.

I told you to smother your roommate?

Yes. Yes, yes, you did.

You said, "Hey, why don't you
take a pillow and just..."

Yeah, as a joke. I said it as a joke.

Okay, well, no one's laughing
because she ratted me out.

She called the dean and
said that I attacked her.

Which, you know, technically not untrue.

All right, so what do you want?

Do you want me to go talk to the dean?

No, no. You can't talk to anyone.

Okay, well, then how would
you like me to help you?

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure Mom

would have figured something out by now.

Well, now you're just being hurtful.

I... you know, I hate
to tell you, honey.

I ain't your mom. I got...

I... you know... I got nothing.

Well, think, okay?

Because if they kick
me out of the dorms,

I'll have to move back
home with you and Mom.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, no.

Dean Calhoun, she's
really... she's a good kid,

- my daughter.
- Mr. Buchman...

Yeah, she can be a
little lippy at times.

I'm not gonna lie about that,
but the... the physical violence,

that's... that's out of the ordinary.

Mr. Buchman, this is a student issue,

not a parent issue.

Your daughter will have an opportunity

to explain herself in front of myself

and a tribunal of her peers,

just like every other NYU student

who tries to suffocate their
roommate in their sleep.

- Okay, well, fair enough.
- Mm.

Um, but, see, here's the thing.

Here's the thing. I, uh...

I can't let her come
back and live with us.

That's not gonna work
now. Can't... can't do it.

- Can't.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Buchman.

I... Dean Calhoun, uh,

what do you say you,
me, and a nice crisp 20,

and you let this thing slide?

You do realize I'm a dean?

- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.

What would that be, 40?

Wow.

Sweetie?

Well, look who cleans
up so pretty and nice.

Yeah, yeah. What do you want?

- Close your eyes.
- Whatever it is...

- Close your eyes.
- Just tell me.

- I'm just not in the mood...
- Ta-da!

Oh, my God!

Right?

No. No, not another dog.

I'm still getting over
the... Look at the face!

Oh, my God. Come here.

Give me, give me, give me!

And this one's all
yours, all in the clear.

Got it from a great rescue place Uptown.

Very nice lady named
Patty helped me with it.

Smelled a bit German Shepherd-ish

but very nice.

Oh, sweetie, thank you so much.

I love... her.

I really, really do.

Yeah, and I love you, too.

Mmm.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Anything.

It's about Mabel.

Yeah, you're on your own, hotshot.

Oh, come on.

I-I need your help on this one.

- I wish I could.
- Okay.

- Can I lay out a hypothetical?
- [GASPS] Hypothetical!

Daddy said a big word.

No kidding, I need you... I need you

to step in on this one. This is...

Your daughter is
exhausting. Tell me about it.

Seriously, if it's like
this for you every day,

- I don't know how you do it.
- No, I'm saying tell me about it.

What's the problem?

Oh, oh, tell m... okay.

So, all right, short version...

she tried to suffocate her roommate.

What?

Totally misunderstood my instructions.

That's not what I said.

Anyway, the point is, now
she has to make an apology

- in front of the dean.
- She is not good at apologies.

I know, so I tried
to talk to the dean...

- I wouldn't have done that.
- Yeah, now I know that.

That didn't go well.

On the bright side, I
did save 40 bucks, so...

So, come on, help me out.

What... what do I tell her?

I was forced to sign a
legally binding contract

against my will, so I can't help you.

Yeah, but... but I need you.

Yeah, that's called a predicament.

Come on, I-I just... I gave you a dog.

All right, get your phone.

Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'll never forget this. Thank you.

- Type.
- Okay, talk.

"First and foremost,

I take total responsibility
for my regrettable actions.

- What happened last night"...
- Okay, hang on.

Why is everybody so fast?

"First and foremost,

I would like to take
total responsibility

for my regrettable actions.

What happened last night was my fault

and my fault alone.

I will work to learn
and employ better"...

Yeah, can I just say,

it seems unfair in a world where women

have been socialized to
apologize almost compulsively

for... for me to be called to the carpet

by "the man" for something
that happened in the...

in the privacy of my dorm...

Miss Buchman, why don't
you save us all some time

and stick to the statement
that... having met your father...

I assume your mother wrote?

Okay, fine.

Oh, you're perfect in every
single way, aren't you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Oh, you two are just
in love, aren't you?

What is that?

It's the breast milk.

I'm defrosting it for her.

- Aren't you glad I saved it?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, see if she wants to wash it down

with some 25-year-old wedding cake.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Is the place getting bigger?

20 years ago I would
have been there already.

- Mr. Buchman.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I don't know if you remember me.

Yeah, of course, from the...
the doggy rescue place.

- Nice lady... Patty.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yes, I...

- [DOG BARKING]
- No! Quiet!

Uh, I'm a little confused.

I thought the home inspection
wasn't until Friday.

- No, this isn't about that.
- [DOG BARKING]

No! Quiet.

I mean it.

Sorry.

This is awkward, but I'm
afraid I need to take back

the dog I gave you.

What? No, no, no, no, you can't...

No, no, you can't.

No, my wife is in there
breastfeeding the dog as we speak.

The young woman who gave
the dog up for adoption,

she's had a change of heart.

Oh, yeah, but, Patty,
Patty, no, you can't do that.

My wife and the dog, now
they're very connected.

- You can't do that.
- Please.

Hey, it's okay. I understand.

It wasn't meant to be.

I guess my mothering days are over.

Good-bye, baby.

I did bring another dog
I thought you might like.

No. No more dogs.

It's too painful.

How about this one?

She's a beauty.

There is no beauty. Thanks, anyway.

What about this guy?

Huh?

No, thank you, really. It's okay.

- [DOG BARKING]
- What about that guy?

Oh, no. You don't want that dog.

Why not? Hey. Hey, buddy.

Mr. Buchman, this is
not the dog for you.

Believe me.

He has sleep issues, anxiety issues,

digestion problems,
chronic ear infections.

His ears need to be constantly
cleaned and medicated.

He's been sent back more
times than I care to recall.

He just doesn't take to people.

Some dogs, they just don't socialize.

We'll take him.

Sign here and here and initial here,

and read out loud the
last line of the agreement.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

"And so I, Mabel Buchman,

faced with the result of
this horrendous experiment,

do solemnly promise never
again to demand distance

of any kind between myself and
my wonderful, loving mother".

Great, I'll make you a copy

and keep the original here on file.

Okay.

- Are we done?
- You bet ya.

- [DOG BARKS]
- [GASPS]

- What the hell was that?
- Your new brother.