Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Kid Leaves - full transcript

Swear to God, I didn't
recognize them

when they walked in.

How long has it been
since the last time we saw them?

Oh, boy. Must
be, like 20 years.

It's been a long
time. People change.

Not to be catty,
but you don't think

she looked a little- - I
thought she looked fine.

Ah, not fine, but-

Yeah, she
- she looked fatigued,

I gotta say, yeah.

She looked a little worn down.



- Right?
- Yeah.

He did not look
well, I thought.

Yeah, well, you
know, even before

he didn't look that good.

Do I

Am I fatigued looking?

No.

- Seriously, do I look
- what did you call her?

"Worn down"?
- No, not at-

She had a very tough

couple of years.
- Okay, you haven't seen me

in 20 years.
- Okay.

- I walk into a restaurant.
- All right.

I say, "Wow, look at
you! You look fantastic. "



I'm saying it's
20 years later.

I understand.

- I walk in.
- Yeah.

Beautiful.

- But if you look really close.
- I'm looking close.

If you put your glasses on.

These are
reading Just

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Tell me why

I love you like I do

Tell me who

Can stop my
heart as much as you

If we take each
other's hands

We can fly
into the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby

Final frontier

- I'm mad about
you - Final frontier

Ohh

Final frontier

- Okay, I'm putting the Post
-its in

with the pencils and
the pencil sharpener.

You know, she
hasn't used a pencil

since second grade, right?
- I don't care.

Who goes to
college without a pencil?

Hey, do you want me to
start loading the elevator?

- Not yet, she's got more.
- Oh, come on.

How much more could there be?
- Oh, my God, we are so late.

I wanted to get
there early enough

to get the good bed
without looking like

I was trying to get there
early enough to get the good bed.

But it's college, right?

It's a dorm. It probably
isn't a good bed.

But if there is
one, I want it.

Is thisis this
is this everything?

No, no, there's more.

Did you pack your
phone charger?

- Yes!
- What is even in here?

I don't know, I think, like,
sheets and towels and

144 condoms?

- Her idea.
- Honey.

- It's college.
- Exactly.

It's not post-war Saigon.

Why-why-why- -
Phone charger?

- Oh, my God. Yes. Okay?
Can we please go?

- Yes.
- Let's go.

Okay, let's go.

Ssweetie, did
you get a chance to

to read the little
poem I wrote you?

I did not get

to read the whole
thing... yet. Butbut you have it?

- Of course.
- Okay.

It's right here with all of my

I know exactly where it is.

She couldn't take two
minutes to read the poem.

Okay, but you're not
gonna read it to her now, right?

I'm not gonna read
the whole thing, but I

I'm begging
you. I know you had

this whole little moment
planned out in your head.

- She's leaving the nest.
- I understand.

- Found it!
- She does not need

to see you cry right now.

I don't need to see
you cry right now.

- Okay, okay. I won't
- fine, I won't read it.

I put it right
where I wouldn't forget it.

Yeah, but now it's
all wrinkled.

Sweetie, the only reason

I mention the phone
charger is I know-

Oh, my God. You
literally don't believe me.

- Of course I believe you.
- You wanna see it?

No, I don't-

Okay. Great.

I just know a lot of
times I think I grab one thing

and later it turns out I
grabbed a different thing.

- Where you going now?
- Wrong friggin' charger.

Sweetie, debilitating sadness

debilitating is
L-I-T? - What did you write?

When you read the whole
thing it makes more sense.

Can we please go?

Can we take a
picture, please?

- Mom, no, no, no.
- You're not gonna wanna

do it later when all your
new friends are there.

- Fine.
- Okay.

Okay, let's go.

The beginning is kind
of sweet, I thought.

"Every baby bird must someday
fly and leave the nest

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay, okay, okay. Let's go.

You ready? I'm ready.

I'm as ready as
a person can be.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hang on. Gotta pee.

From reading?

No. From, like, an hour ago,

but I didn't want
you to be late.

I really don't
wanna be late.

Just go pee fast.

Well, that's not
always up to me.

Hello, Buchmans!

- Mr. Wicker.
- Oh, boy am I glad

I caught up with you
guys before you left.

You are taking a lot of stuff.

I thought you
were going to NYU.

- I am.
- Well, it's five blocks away.

It's five very long blocks.

- Hey, Mr. Wicker.
- That was fast.

Yeah, I didn't go.

I won't take up
a lot of your time.

But I thought you
would get a kick out of this.

You know what that is? A
picture of your parents

bringing you home
from the hospital.

How about that?

- Ohh.
- Aww.

Ohh!

You were a delightful child.

Muah.

And don't you be a stranger.

Okay, if you need me
Buchmans, you know where to find me.

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

You know what
we forgot to do?

And I think we're gonna
kick ourselves if we don't do it.

"Every baby bird must
fly and leave the nest.

"And even though our
hearts are breaking,

we wish you all the
-" Oh, we'll read it in the car.

You know, you guys can
go. I can make the bed.

That's okay. I'm
almost finished.

Ew. What is that?

- Mattress protector.
- So what's that, then?

- Mattress pad.
- No, I thought

that was the
mattress protector.

- It is.
- For bed bugs.

Yeah.

Okay, so if a
bug is strong enough

to make it past the
first protector

and fight its way through
a mattress pad,

what makes you think it
couldn't break through

the second protector?

- Do you wanna live with bugs?
- No.

You know, you could
be helping me with this.

- I just offered.
- It's fine. I've got it.

That's the sound it makes.

All right, fine.

Your roommate
seems very nice.

What's she from
Syria? That's so impressive.

Yeah? Why is that
impressive, Mom?

No. I mean to be that
committed to an education

that you travel halfway
around the worid.

And yet, her parents
got here early enough

to get the good bed.

Okay.

- You know what? I
- I think it's time

that you guys
should go, anyway.

No. What do you
mean? Why? Why?

Because I have the
dorm orientation thing.

Okay, but that
doesn't mean we have to

Attention parents, it's time to say good
bye.

So this is it.

This is it.

Thank you for my nice poem.

Mabel? You coming?

Yeah, yeah. I'll
be right there.

I gotta go.
- I love you.

I love you, too.

Now, go. Go, go, go, go.

I think it went
pretty good, right? Oh.

- How you doing there, tiger?
- I'm okay now.

How about now?

Slightly less so.

Boy, was it always this quiet?

Mm.

How about you?
- What?

You okay?

I am, yeah.

Well, all right.

Well, here we are.
- I know, right?

Well, welcome to Tahiti.

Tahiti.

I don't know what
you're saying.

We made it to Tahiti.

Wha-when Mabel was a baby

and you were up every
20 minutes breastfeeding,

remember one night,
you crawled into bed

and you said, "When this
kid goes off to college,

we're going to Tahiti. "

I said that?

Yes, you said that.

- Huh. -
Seriously. What-

All right, well, then,

why do you think for
the last 17 years,

whenever things got
crazy with Mabel,

I would wink at you
and say, "Tahiti. "

To be honest, I never
really understood that.

- What are you talk
- You used to wink back.

I didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.

All right. Well,
then, were you not puzzled?

Like, "Why does my
husband keep saying Tahiti?"

I thought maybe it was some
kind of movie reference

I was supposed to know.

Like, "Rosebud. "

"Tahiti. "

- No.
- There was a period

in the middle where I
thought you were saying "Tahini. "

Who's that?

I-what?

This is very unsettling.

I was under the
erroneous assumption for years

that we were on the same
page about this, but-

A child leaves
home, it's like a death.

Not a death, God forbid.

I shouldn't use
the word "death. "

It's a loss.

It's a
terrible, horrible loss.

It's-it's brutal.

It just rips the heart
right out of your chest.

And I find the
only salve for that

is to suppress your
feelings with food.

So I got you some
lox, some whitefish

some kippered salmon.

I don't know whether you
guys like sturgeon or not,

but I got some anyway.

And a little piece of sable.

Holy Malloy, is
that stuff expensive.

How are you guys?

We're fine. Mark,
this is so nice.

- And totally unnecessary.
- It's so much food.

That's what my beautiful
bride said.

But I lost that argument.

- Oh, my goodness, more food.
- What did you guys do?

In case you were wondering

what a lifetime supply
of bagels looked like,

here you go.

How you guys doing?
- You know what?

She's a rock, I had a
bit of a bumpy morning.

Oh, please. Empty
nest? It's a killer.

- Mark.
- No.

No, that's what
broke up my marriage.

I'm not saying Fran and
I didn't have our problems.

But the minute that
kid left the house, boom!

Dead marriage.

My darling, I beg
you to stop talking,

and yet, you don't.
- You see?

From Fran, that would've
sounded critical.

But from my Tonya...

it's comforting.

Okay. We're gonna
get out of your hair.

No, no, we can't eat
this all by ourselves.

Come help me. -
No, we got thing-

Just a little bite so
as not to seem rude.

So, did you read that
terrific review

for Ira's restaurant?

Ah-how about that?

Isn't that something?
- Yeah, "New York Times," huh?

I know.

Have you been in
the restaurant lately?

No, we're gonna try
and go later today, but

Did you read that review?

I just said-yes.

How big a day is today, huh?

- Well.
- I mean, my very favorite

and only niece leaves
for college.

I gotta say a
proper good-bye,

'cause I want
her to see me see her

walk out that door, so I'm
certainly not gonna miss

this momentous moment.
- Okay.

We dropped her
off, like, an hour ago.

- Oh, poo!
- Yeah.

- So, "a rock," huh?
- What?

Your only child leaves
home for college,

and you're a rock?

Is it bad that
I'm okay with it?

All right, listen to me.

My practice is
overflowing with women

whose kids have
left for college.

And to a person, these
women are undone.

They walk in the door, throw
themselves on my couch

and cry, and cry, and cry.

They are broken women.

So, you tell me you're
all hunky-dory,

I gotta question that.
- Isn't the plan

to raise them so
they're ready to leave

and if we do a
good job, they go?

They say the same
thing, and then they cry.

We did a good job, I
think. I'm happy about that.

Well, then maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you found
a way to navigate

these shark-infested
waters gracefully.

In that case, I salute you.
- Well, I thank you

And I salute you right back.

Tahiti? You know how
long a flight that is?

It's not actual
Tahiti, it's a metaphor.

- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey. Did you see

how much food you have?
- I did.

Sweetie, explain
Tahiti to them, would you?

Uh, Tahiti, you
know, like, Tahiti.

I don't know.

I have to
say, I'm impressed.

I would've bet money
that she'd be a wreck.

But good for her.
- Paul cried.

- All right.
- That's healthy.

And he wrote a
beautiful poem.

- All right.
- It's a little long.

- I mean, to be so composed.
- Huh.

What?

Guess who
didn't make her bed?

Marie Antoinette.

'Cause she was the queen.

Wait, what happened?

Your daughter
leaves for college,

and she doesn't make the bed.

- Sh
-sweetie, she always doesn't make her bed.

Yeah, but today? Her
last day at home,

she doesn't take
time to make the bed?

That's a message.
- What's the message?

Well, it isn't "Thanks for 17
years of love and support. "

- Here it comes.
- No.

it's not what you
think. It's the bed.

Feels a little passive
aggressive to me.

Maybe I'm wrong.
I'm letting it go.

Well, I'd say
Hey, you know what?

I noticed the bed, and
I didn't love it.

No one would love it.

Ask those lunatic
patients of yours.

They wouldn't love it.

Those giris would be peeing
down their own leg.

But me? I let it go.

What are you looking at?

- Oh!
- You didn't make your bed.

- What?
- I don't think you meant

to send that kind
of message, did you?

You probably just forgot.

You see where I am,
right? I'm in college.

Exactly. And someday you're
going to come home

and when you do, you'll
probably want

a nicely made
bed waiting for you.

So why don't you come
on home and make it?

No.

- Sweetie.
- I'm not coming home

just to make my bed.

- Well, I- - If you
make me make my bed,

I'll never come
home. In which case,

it doesn't really matter if
the bed gets made or not.

How about that?

Well, I'm not
making your bed.

- Well, I'm not asking you to.
- Good.

If it bothers you that
much, maybe just get rid of the bed.

So what'd she say?

Is that- is that
you to me, or-

Her to me. I'm
paraphrasing.

- Ahh!
- Can I say something?

You people! You
don't have to

physically come
here to say things.

If this is about
the frickin' bed-

Listen to me. You have
been out of the house

an hour and a half, and
in that short time,

it's all gone to hell.

So I need you to come
home. You gotta make the bed.

You don't really
want me to make the bed.

- Uh, yes I do.
- It's what Mom wants.

So?

She's manipulating you.

So?

Listen, you and I both
know this isn't about the bed.

But really, it's
about the bed.

So what I'm saying is come
home, make the bed.

But don't think of
it as doing it for Mom,

think of it as
doing something for me.

I'm not gonna come
home and make the bed

because A, it's ridiculous.

But two, I'm protecting you.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

How do you
think Mom's gonna feel

if she couldn't
get me to come home,

but when you come here
and ask, I say, "Sure"?

It's not gonna
sit well, trust me.

I'm helping
you. You're welcome.

Very nicely played.

Hey, nice to see you again.

Yep, that's my dad.

"Finally, authentic
Italian food

"that with every
bite transports you

"straight to the
hills of Tuscany.

Every dish a sublime
work of perfection. "

- Is this fantastic?
- No, wait, wait.

"Mr. Buchman and Executive
Chef Lucia Francavella

"have brought to the
downtown eating scene

a most welcome addition. "

I'm How
about that?

I'm so proud of you,
Splinky. No kidding.

She says I've read
this thing so many times

my eyes are gonna-

Something about my eyes.

Oh, I'm telling you,
Paulie, this woman

My God. And now this?

I just-Oh, I just
feel so friggin' blessed

that my life is so damn good.

I'm sorry. I cut
you off before.

You were saying, tough
day today, huh?

Well, yeah, no, not
the best morning.

Uh-you know, Jamie's
taking it a bit-

I don't know. I always
had this picture in my head

that when Mabel-

Mmm! My-Paulie!

You gotta taste this.
- It's okay.

You know what? I'm really
not- - No, no, no, no.

- No, you know what?
My- - Just-just-

My stomach's
been I can't even get

Oh, that's pretty good.

Muah!

Oh, my God. That woman.

Ah, I'm sorry. Paulie,
you were saying,

Mabel,
James- - Yeah, no.

Just, nah, the way
Jamie's acting is-

You know, Mabel moving
out, it's brutal for both of us.

But the way she's
acting is-is-

Paulie.

It's her daughter.
What do you expect?

I understand. It's
my daughter, too.

Yeah, but you're
not the mother.

Look, that-that
child, that person

who you saw leave home today,

that person came
out of her body.

That's the depth of the bond.

Now, when you have a
person come out of you,

then we can talk.

Go to her, Paulie.

When did this happen?

When did you
become, like, wise?

I've always been wise.

You know, I didn't
show it a lot.

I thought people might
find it off-putting.

You're absolutely
right. All right, you know what?

I'm gonna get going.
- No, hey, hey.

You gotta take some
pasta home for James.

No, no, please.
You know what, I got

- Paulie.
- No, no, no.

The woman is in pain.

She needs nurturing.

I'll whip up
something extra fantastico.

- You just said go to her
so- - What, empty handed?

Don't be a lunatic.

Okay.

Honey?

Sweetie?

James?

I got pasta.

I didn't mean to startle you.

- Oh, really?
- Your room looks nice.

Are you both just insane?

I can't speak
for your father,

but as the person who
just broke your bed apart

with my bare hands, possibly.

- You broke my bed?
- Yes.

It felt really good.

But then I took a long
walk, and a deep breath

and I want to
apologize to you.

The truth... it wasn't
really about the bed.

You think?

You have a lot on your
plate. You didn't deserve that.

So whatever happened
before, it wasn't you, it was me.

Would you mind
saying that again?

It's not you, it's me.

Thank you.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

- You don't have to.
- Mm.

I'm gonna go.

- Hello.
- Hi. How are you?

That's my mom.

- How did
- how did I miss you?

She walked in right
after you left.

What is with you guys?

Hey, today has been a
little crazier than usual.

I got you pasta.
- No! No, come on.

That's cold, now. Gimme.

- No, that's really too
many- - I'll make you fresh.

I'm really not
hungry, but thank you.

I got it.

I'm glad you texted
me, 'cause I went home, and

Did you see the bed?

I did.

I went over and
apologized to Mabel.

You went over there again?

Okay.

You know how I said I
didn't remember Tahiti?

I remember Tahiti.

Thank you. All right,
so I don't understand

I thought Mabel would
grow up and leave

and I could just go back
to being who I was before.

I don't even remember who
that person is anymore.

That's a lot of years we
just went through and-

Okay, and I'll
start with this, huh?

You know what, we're
really not hungry.

Oh, just smell. Smell.

Smells very good.
Okay. - Have a-

Okay.

I'm so tired.

My brain is tired.

My body doesn't work the
same way it used to.

Everything hurts.

You remember sex?

Vaguely.

Well, hey, if you wanna
go there, I am totally ready-

If you think Tahiti means
a whole bunch of sex

right away-
- No, no, no,

Tahiti does not mean
sex. Tahiti does not mean sex.

Okay, maybe a
little bit of sex.

A smidgen.

Yes, I would imagine some
sex would be involved.

But you know what?

You-you can't- sweetie,
you can't-

you can't take it
all on your shoulders.

Listen, I'm not the
same guy I used to be.

Sorry.

- You know, it
- it's just part of life, right?

I mean, people get older.

You can't-you can't
expect to have that same spark.

You know, that's not possible.

What about Ira?

He's your age. Lucia's
like my age.

Look at them.
- Okay.

Totally different story.

First of all, she's Italian.
So, you know, factor that in.

You know what I'm
saying. But second of all,

they've been together,
what, like a year and a half,

two years?
- Something like that.

Yeah, so, they're rookies.

You know-and, keep in mind,

they're not
- they're not married.

That's-that's a
totally different story.

So, what, we
should get a divorce?

If you think it'll help
the marriage, I would.

Sweetie, Iyou know, there's
no way around it.

That-that great part of
our lives, you know, the-

the little girl that
climbed into bed with us

and we'd read stories
and carry her into bed-

Or, you know, hold her
hands and swing her over the waves

at the beach, and she'd
laugh herself silly,

yeah, that
- that kid is gone.

She's the love of my life.

I know.

Wait a minute, you
guys haven't tasted that yet?

Taste that! Your
head's gonna explode.

- All right.
- Come on, maniga, mangia.

All righty. Mangia.

Look at you two.

It's like "Lady
and the Tramp. "

That's so funny
that you would say

That's Mabel's favorite movie.

- Who gave it to her?
- That was you?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I mean, come on. The
dogs and the spaghetti.

How do you beat that? Enjoy.

You know we have
to do that now,

don't you?
- What?

The "Lady and the
Tramp" thing with the spaghetti.

Ah, okay. Come here.

You gotta
- you gotta find the long one,

that's the trick to
the whole thing.

You gotta get an
extra-long one.

Why are we doing this?

Because, as you may recall,

when the dogs eat the
same piece of spaghetti,

it pulls their lips together,

and when the lips
come together, they kiss,

and it's very nice.

Yeah, all right. There you go.

All right, that's something.

Okay, so now you
take one end of it-

Not with a fork. You
ever see a dog use a fork?

You take it in your hand.

Okay, all right. So
you put it-there you go.

Watch, I'm telling
you, this'll work.

You put it in your mouth.

And you gotta look
away. Don't look.

See, you start looking away.

Okay, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

What do you have in
like, a stronger noodle?

What do you think Home office

- Works for me.
- Yeah.