Mad About You (1992–1999): Season 3, Episode 13 - Mad About You: Part 1 - full transcript

All right.
How about this?

No, no, no, no, no.
You can't throw that out.

It's been here
since we moved in.

Vegetable medley.

Look at this.
Arranged by Henry Mancini.

Let's get rid of this.
You can't throw that out.

Why not?
My father caught it.

Watch this. Next.

Here. We do not
need this.

That's the top
of our wedding cake.

We're not... This...
It's not a scrapbook,
it's a freezer.



No.

We will never eat this.
I--I'm gonna throw it out.

All right. Fine.
I am going to.

Fine.
I am.

All right, but the medley
goes back in.

All right.

All right.

* Tell me why
I love you like I do

* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

* Tell me all your secrets
and I'll tell you most of mine

* They say nobody's perfect
Well, that's really true
this time

* I don't have the answers,
I don't have a plan

* All I have is you

* So, darling,
help me understand



* What we do

* You can whisper in my ear

* Where we go

* Who knows
what happens after here

* Let's take
each other's hand

* As we jump into
the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

* I'm mad about you

How are you
holding up?

Well,
if I had two tongues,

I'd be
the happiest person
in the world.

Second-happiest.

Hey, if we're trying
to hold this down
to 80 people,

why are we inviting
the Floyds?

Because they're
not going to come.

All right then.

Saved by the Bell?

I can't help it. It's just...
It's on so much.

I feel like if
I'm not watching it,
I'm doing something wrong.

What do you think
of these plates?
Be honest.

That's what you want
to eat on?
Lions with shields?

Vines, bougainvillea,
and pears.

Oh, my.

No, get it.
We'll-- We'll eat on those.

All right. Now listen.
This is the band
from Fran and Mark's wedding.

(WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW
PLAYING ON STEREO)

WOMAN: (VOICE CRACKING)
* What the world needs now

Why don't we
just get Ira's band?

Yeah, we might, we might.

Okay. Now, forget that one.
Put it out of your head.

All right. I just put
sorbet in my ears.

I don't remember anything.

(WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW
PLAYING IN LATIN JAZZ STYLE)

What do you think?

Sounds like the guy
in the deli.

I promised him we'd listen.

That's the guy in the deli?
Mmm-hmm.

Hey, where are you going?

With Fran to pick out
bridesmaids' dresses.
I told you, like, three times.

I know. I know, I know.
But only when I ask
do I actually listen.

You going to get your tux?

Antonio, fastest tailor
in the world.

Yeah? Says who?

I did that whole
documentary on him.

He told me,
"If you ever need a favor..."

(PHONE RINGS)
But you're going today.

Well, the wedding's
not for three months.

If I went today,
that would be like
an insult to him.

Yes, Fran, I'm ready.

Sylvia. Hi.

Really?
You ran into the Wolfs?

That's what you get
for taking the shortcut.

She won't get that.

That was a little joke.

A Little Red Riding
Hood thing.

Well, uh, yeah,
I'm sure two more people
will be fine.

Mom, we--we've discussed this.
This is not a swap meet.

You can't just invite
everybody that you bump into.

She's out of control.

You're the one
just finding this out.
I know.

Ma? Listen to me.

All right. The Wolfs.
Fine. But after the Wolfs
no more. That's it.

All right. All right.
Bye.

That was my mom.

I love your mom.
No you don't.

I want to love your mom.
Well, go slow,

and expect setbacks.

Meanwhile, your dad's
gonna love me with these
cigars I'm getting him.

You don't have to
get him cigars.

Castro cannot
get these cigars.

He already loves you.

Yeah, but he still gives me
that look.

There's no look.
Oh, there's a look.

It's like, "I know what
you're doing to my daughter,
and I don't like it."

Get him the cigars.
I'm getting them.

Hey, I thought we agreed
you're quitting this?

We also agreed to keep
the guest list under 80.

There's no such thing.
It's either 12, 60,
or the next stop is 1,100.

These are done.

Did you just
lick the last one?

Yeah, why?

I take it all the way
to the one yard line,

then you come off the bench,
and you get the touchdown?

You can mail them.

Fine. I will mail them.

Unless you don't want
to mail them.

I will mail them.
Because that's it,
you know.

Once these go in the mail,
there's no turning back.

Come here.
I don't want to turn back.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Because then I'd have to
meet another girl and
get her to like me,

and I don't have
that kind of time.

Have you
been outside today?

It's gorgeous.
What a day.

These guys played at
Mark's cousin's wedding.

They're fantastic.
Stepbrothers. Same mother,
different father.

Talk to my florist?
Tomorrow at 10:00.

Talk to my caterer?
I left him a message.

She was using kiwi
when no used kiwi.

How are you?
Invitations?

My department.
Who do you think
turned us on to jicama?

They are all signed
and sealed.

Paul is going to
mail them.

Except for yours.

Are you sure? Because
once you give it to me,
there's no turning back.

We're not turning back.
We have discussed it.

Bye.
Bye.

(SAVED BY THE BELL
THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

This guy Screech.
I'm telling you.

When are you
getting married?
BOTH: March.

March. Maybe you want
more of a winter dress,
higher collar.

No, I like this cut.

So, what does it cost
to try it on?

Because this is the one.
This is the dress
I'm going to get married in.

You want two?
I'll give you a deal.

Saul, why the hell
would she want two?

Listen. I didn't put
three kids through college
by being quiet.

Sorry.
JAMIE: Hey.

Hi, Debbie.
Sorry.

Gary and I just had
the worst fight.

About what?

It doesn't matter.

Let me look at you.
Oh, sweetie,
you look so pretty.

Sometimes wonder
if it's all worth it.

If what's worth it?

What?

Hair?
Up.

Veil?
Traditional.

Train?
Detachable.

Zipper or snaps?
Buttons.

Buttons? Buttons?
With my brother,
you'll need a locksmith.

Wow.
JAMIE: Hi.

Look at my beautiful
baby sister.

Mom. Why is she here?

She tricked me.
How did she trick you?

She asked me
where I was going today,
and I told her.

Oh. She's very sly.

Look at you.

Oh, someday
it will be your turn.

Mom, I'm fine.

I'm going to give you
one piece of advice,

something my grandmother
told my mother

my mother told me,
and now I'm gonna tell you.

Everybody and their mother
is going to be coming
up to you

and wanting to
give you advice.
Pay no attention.

You hear what I'm saying?
Yes.

Hey, are these
the invitations?
Uh-huh.

Oh, can we see?
Sure.

Oh, that's interesting.
Burt and Sylvania Buchman.

Son-of-a-bitch.

I always wondered
what Sylvia was short for.

Tell me you didn't
mail the invitations.

I didn't mail
the invitations.

Thank God.
What?

What does this say?

"Gus and Theresa Stemple
and Burt and Sylvia Buchman

"request the honor of your..."
What does this say?

"Gus and Theresa Stemple
and Burt and Sylvia Buchman

"request the..."
What does it say?

"Gus and Theresa Stemple and
Burt and Sylvania Buchman..."

Oh, God. I mailed them.

You said you didn't mail them.
You told me to say that.

Where did you mail them?
I mailed them on the corner.

On the mailbox?
No, on the fire hydrant.

Wait, this show, it's, like,
strangely compelling.

Would you come on?

(GRUNTS)

You know,
my cousin's friend did this
on Staten Island once?

Pulled out
a baby alligator.

Your mother's gonna hate me.
It's a typo.

I'm gonna be
paying for that typo
for the rest my life.

You're not wrong.

This is the worst design
in the world.

I don't know how
they expect people
to get mail out.

All right. Let me.
Let me. Let me.

What are you doing?

In my house,
if something didn't work,
you hit it.

Hi. Hey, hello.
Hello, Mr. Mailman. Hello.

Postal worker. Hi.
Do you prefer that, really?

It makes no difference.

Listen. We...
What happened is

we have wrongfully
put some mail in here,
and we will be

the happiest people
in the zip code
if we can get it out of here.

It's illegal.
No, I know.

But listen.
You give it to us,

then we don't know you,
you don't know us,

this whole conversation
never even happened.

I'd lose my job.

They're just
wedding invitations.

Oh, you're
getting married.

Let me give you
a piece of advice
my father gave to me

and his father gave to him.
Wear comfortable shoes.

At the wedding.
All the time.

Why? Just tell me why?

The man committed
a felony for us.

How do we
not invite him?

You're worse than
your mother.

Who, you mean Sylvania?

We're now up to 88.

No. No, he said
his wife might not come.

Eighty-seven...
Do you think
this is an omen?

It's not an omen.
How do you know?

First of all,
omens are bigger.

We just said once
we mailed the invitations
that's it,

that's the point
of no return.

Now we have
the invitations back.

It's got to mean something.

Boy, do you
have to relax.

Listen. Both of my sisters
have had weddings.

Trust me.
It gets so much
worse than this.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I'm only upset that
I wasted a quart and a half
of perfectly good saliva.

Wasted your saliva
on what?

Nothing.

Why would you say it?

Made a joke.

That's some joke.

I would have called,
but when I call,
you screen.

No, we don't.
It's all right, honey.

Listen. It turns out that
the Wolfs can't make it.

That's why you came
over here?

I thought
you'd want to know.

That's great.
Now we're down to 85.

But on my way over,
guess who I ran into?

86 and 87?

The invitations...
Please, don't read these.

Why not?
Because there was a mistake.

What mistake?

I should have listened to you
in the first place.

I should have
used your printer.
It serves me right.

I was just wrong,
wrong, wrong.

But now I'm gonna
call your printer,

and I'm gonna
have them redone, and
everything will be fine.

What?
That's a simple mistake.

I just hope
it's not an omen.

Yes? No?
PAUL: Whatever.

(POLKA MUSIC PLAYING)
We can't dance to whatever.
I want your opinion.

We can't go
with the Polka People.

Pass. Pass.
Positively pass
on the Polka People.

Ooh, that was fun.
Say that.

I don't want to.

Listen, just relax.
We still-- We still
have a month.

We don't still have a month.
We only have a month.

Bands get booked.
Not Ira's band.

And we still haven't
picked out our song.

Ira's got
a whole list of songs.

Listen. He's available
and he's cheap.

Plus, use him, take him
off the guest list,

it brings us back to 109.

Great. And vows.
We still haven't
written our vows.

Vows we'll get.
Listen, I'm not worried
about vows.

I'm starving.

We'll eat at the
food tasting thing.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

We have eggs and batteries.

So I could make an omelet
that keeps on running.

Hi.
Hi.

Feels like flatware.
Could be a serving tray.

Honey, it's our first
wedding present.

Didn't I tell you?
It's good to get married.

I need a signature.
Okay.

Well, they are
RSVP-ing like crazy.

Oh, by the way,
my wife can make it.

There's a relief.
You were worried about it.

Hired the band yet?
No.

Clock's ticking.

You're married, right?
Yeah.

So what are you
doing to me?

Look, look, look.

Ooh.
Ooh.

A little squat
double-nosed bowl.

Honey, it's our gravy boat.

We wanted a gravy boat?
I asked you.

Because we never
have gravy.
We never had a boat.

She's right.
We use ours all the time.

You eat a lot of gravy,
do you?

Since we got the boat.

Look at this.
They're coming.
Who's coming?

Everybody's coming.
Nobody's not coming.

Look, the Klines.
"They'll never drive
down from Albany," we said.

Well, guess what?
They're driving down
from Albany.

They gonna take
the Taughannock?

What difference does make?
The point is
where are they gonna sit?

Hey, hey, what happened--
what happened to quitting
before the wedding?

We still have a month.
No, no, we don't still.
We only have a month.

All right, all right,
all right. All right.
You're right.

No, now.
Now, now, now.

Good girl.
Good for you.

Do we have any cupcakes?

And where did you
find this caterer?

She did Fran and Mark's.

She was good?

No, which is why
we went that way.

All righty.

Jamie and I discussed
several menus

and settled on
what I think are some
really lovely choices.

So to start, I was thinking
of an array of puffed pastry
stuffed with goat cheese,

artichoke,
or wild mushroom.

Mmm. These are good.

They are. As long as
they stay hot.
Mom.

I'm just saying.
I mean, you wouldn't want
to see these cold.

While on the other hand,
shrimp start out cold.

Shrimp?

Sure. We had them
at Deborah's wedding.
Remember, Paulie?

The size
of a baby's foot.

I can do shrimp.
No, no.
I like what you got.

I don't have to
talk up for shrimp.
Shrimp speak for themselves.

I--I--I agree
with Sylvia.

So then it's the shrimp.

Great.
Thanks, Sylvia.

Oh, okey-dokey.
All right.

She hates this.
She really does. Okay.

Okay. So far
no one's asking the
important meat question.

Which would be?
Where is it?

Absolutely right.
The man is a butcher,
he has the right to know.

We just wanted something
nice and light.

You know what's nice
and light? Beef salad.

Beef salad.
Sure. Sure.

Uh, Hillary,
what do you think?

Well, we had decided
on the squab.
Squab?

With a
wild cherry glaze.

It looks like a pigeon.

A pigeon. Honey?

It's got
a pigeonesque quality.

What's the difference
between this and a pigeon?

A pigeon's on a ledge.
This is on a plate.

Honey, you said
you liked squab.

I know, but I--I thought
it was gonna be
a little bigger.

Why would you
think that?

Because it's squab.
You know, squab, squab.

It opens up in the middle.

Hey, I'm paying
60 bucks a head.

What have you got
with blood in it?
Mom.

Gus.
How about--
How about roast beef?

Honey.
I think your father
would enjoy roast beef.

You know,
nobody ever went wrong
with roast beef.

Daddy, I really wanted
the squab.

All right.
So we have one squab
and how many roast beefs?

Well, we still have to
decide on the cake.

Jamie narrowed it down
to two.

Okay. I'm going to be late
for my fitting.
Can you handle this?

I will handle cake.
Okay. And you won't forget
your tux?

We'll do the tux.
Listen. I'm going uptown.

Do you think that
she would like a lift?

That's all right.
You don't have to
give me a lift.

Oh, so you don't want me
to give you a lift?

No, no, no, no.
I would love a lift.
Thank you, Mom.

Did you hear that?
She called me Mom.

You don't have to do that.

This brings back
so many memories.

I bet it does.

My tailor died this year.

Almost 30 years
I was going to him.

Go find another tailor.

So tell me.
What are you getting Paul?

For what?
A wedding present.

I have to get him
a wedding present?

Nobody said you had to
do anything.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God.
Look at you guys.

Do you love it?
Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.
What's not to love?

Okay. What's the problem?
No, it's fine.

No one's gonna be
looking at my hips anyway.

No, they'll be
looking at where
my boobs should be.

I feel like a lamp.
A what?

A lamp.
A lamb?

A lamp!

Oh, that I can see.

You know who else
won't look good in this?
Sharon.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What do-- What do we do?

We really love this.

You do? Really?
Everybody?

Well, okay.
You should wear this then.

Really?
Oh.

Er, Saul, so
let me ask you something.

How much
would you charge me
to take in some slacks?

Wait a minute.
You're telling me that her,
this woman,

she is not the teacher?

This girl is a freshman.

I love this show.

That's what I'm saying.

Oh, listen.
I spoke to Manuel.

He's gonna get
the cigars in two weeks.

Right. Right.
Now, these are
the big ones, right?

The El Grandes?

Well, no. No can do
on the Grandes.

But he can get
presidentes and executivos.

Executivos are what?
Those are the thick ones?

Well, they're thicker
than the Grandes,

but they're shorter
than the Robustos.

He got the Robustos?
Only in the Piccolini.

I don't want a Piccolini.

I didn't get the Piccolinis.

All right, all right.
I just asked you
a simple question.

Well, everything's ruined.
I need pie.

That's 3.14.

What?
Pi.

Did you get a tux?
I had a fitting.

Did it fit?
Uh, it's hard to say.
Did it over the phone.

What do you mean
you did it over the phone?

He's that good.

Did you pick out a cake?

Well, we narrowed it
down to three.

When I left, it was
narrowed down to two.

Hey, your parents
almost had it
narrowed down to five.

Okay, honey.
It's four weeks away.

We don't have cake,
you don't have a tux,

we haven't written any vows,
we haven't picked out a band.

All right, all right,
all right. Relax.
Watch me help.

Ira?
Yeah?

You want to play
at our wedding?
Music?

No, with Lincoln Logs.
Yes, music.

I thought
you'd never ask.
Thank you.

All right. Hired the band.
What's next?

Fire the band.
What?

How could you do that
without talking to me?

They were in contention.
I know, but we never...

They're very good.
No, they're not.

You've never even heard them.
It's Ira.

You know what?
They're playing
a gig tonight.

At least go hear them.

Where?

Upstate.
Where upstate?

What's the difference?
A little bit upstate.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on. Music is music.

Listen, if they're
good enough for felons,

I believe they're good enough
for our families.

They made us leave
our shoelaces at the gate.

So? Hey, at Suki Hana
they make you leave
your shoes at the door.

You enjoy that.

Maybe we should have
gone buffet.

All right, folks.

We're gonna take
a little time off
for good behavior.

(LAUGHING)

Anyway, don't nobody
go nowhere.

See? Everybody loves him.

Hey.
Hey.

Listen. I just want
you guys to know that,
you know,

some gigs,
like this prison gig,
it's just a check.

But when you're doing things,
when you're playing music
for people you love...

There will be a check
involved though, right?

Yes.

And by the way,
if you want,

I got a guy who can
marry you for free.

Wait a minute,
you got a guy
who can marry us?

Yeah, Lenny,
the keyboard player.
He's a justice of the peace.

So people get married
by a keyboard player?

He does it all the time.

Oh, that's cool.
And yet we have a guy.

Ira...
Oh.

I also, I started
working up a little, uh...
A little song list.

Color My World,
The Alley Cat.

No, no, no.
Not the Hokey Pokey.

James, you got to have
the Hokey Pokey.
That's what it's all about.

Ira...
Yeah?

Well, you're, you know,
you're the leader
of the band,

so whatever you say
is what we'll do.

All right.

You're doing
a good thing, you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on. Let's dance.

I don't remember, uh,
signing up to dance.

Oh, come on.

Oh, my God.
What's that?

We've never danced together.

That's not true.
We've danced plenty of times.

When?

(CHUCKLES)
All right,
so we've never danced.

Look at you.
What?

You're the worst dancer
I've ever seen in my life.

I can dance.
No, you can't.

Not in the
traditional sense, no.

I'm marrying you.
How did I not know this?

Hey, I didn't know
about squab.
So, we're learning.

Hey, a smile.
Man, I haven't seen that
in some time.

This is the safest
I've felt in two months.

Hey, you know,
if we kill our families,

(CHUCKLING)
we could have the wedding
right here.