Mad About You (1992–1999): Season 3, Episode 12 - How to Fall in Love - full transcript

Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney!

Mr. Mooney.

All right,
thank you.

* Tell me why
I love you like I do

* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

* Let's take each other's hand

* As we jump into
the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

Hey, you guys.
Hey, listen, it's me.



I was on my way home,

I hit 16th Street and, boom,
I gotta pee.

Oh, man, do I gotta pee.

So, listen, I go
to Three Brothers, right?

Nick says,
"Customers only."

I say, "I gotta pee."

He says, "Customers only."

I say, "Come on,
I come in here every day."

He says, "Buy something."

I say, "What?
I just gotta pee."

He says... He says,
"Cup of coffee."

I said, "It defeats
the whole purpose."

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I mean, man,
do you believe that guy?



That attitude
may play in Greece,
but not with me.

Hey, Paulie?

James?

Murray?

Hey!

Where are you guys?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Did you know that
I have 29 teeth?

Is your burger okay?

You barely touched it.

The chicken
was a poem.

I said the chicken
was a poem.

Really?

See, right there,
I was thinking chicken,

and then suddenly,
I wasn't in a chicken
frame of mind.

Honey, do you think
Murray's okay out there?

Of course he is.
A: He's in the vestibule,

and, 2: He's got fur.

What's the matter,
you're saying he's not okay?

Honey, because if you're
saying he's not okay...

Sweetie, no, no, no, no.
You're right, you're right.

In fact, you are
consistently right.
Me, not so much.

Pay attention to me!

All right. Sorry.

You're not gonna
believe this.

I mean, only to me, right?

I'm on the subway
and I meet this guy.

And he says,
"What do you do?"

And I say,
"I got a band."

He says, "You got a band?
I got a club."

I say, "Get your hand
out of my pocket."

Anyway, he hands me his card
and he's got
this really sweet smile.

So, I call up the band
and I say, "Meet me."

So they meet me, only Derek
can't get off work, right?

So, we go
up to the club.

Club, my ass.
It's a roof.

I say, "It's a roof."

He says,
"It's gonna be a club."

I say, "I got a closet.
It's gonna be
a Baskin-Robbins."

I mean, why do these things
happen to me?

Who are you?

Want some coffee?

What time is it?
Almost 8:00.

Yeah, we're fine.
We're not meeting Susannah
till 9:00.

Oh, Susannah.

Oh, Susannah.
Like you know who
I'm talking about.

Actually, the line is,
"Oh, Susannah,
don't you cry for me."

Is the actual line...
I know Susannah.

Susannah.
Your friend Susannah...
Susannah Magnatini,

tello, te, uh, toro.
Magnatoro.

Gould.
Gould, yeah.

I know her,
from your English...

Yeah, psychology...
psychology class.

Seminar.
Seminar.

And my name would be?

Brenda?

All right, so I've been
a little--little consumed
lately.

You've done these tapes
a million times.

I know, but this is--
this is different.

This is the first one
I actually have to
write the script for also.

Why did you do that?

'Cause I figured,
"How hard could it be?"

You know,
the How to Stucco Your Roof,

that one,
I called in an expert.

But this one,

How to Find 'Em, Meet 'Em,
and Make 'Em Yours.

Come on.
I mean, who better?

Find 'Em Meet 'Em
and Make 'Em Yours?

Yeah. Hey,
I have, in the past,

found them, met them,
and made them mine.

Let me see this.

Susannah Gould.

Yeah?

Yeah. From Jamie's
psych seminar.

Yeah?
Yeah.

So where is she?
Who, James?

Yeah. Um, I'm early.
I do that. Sorry.

Oh, you got cool stuff.

Hey, it's-- it's...

You know how you get
a picture in your head?

I mean, this apartment,
I was right there.

You, I was way off.

Why? What'd you picture?

I don't know. Taller.

I'm 5'9".

Oh, yeah, right.

And a half.
Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay.
I'm sorry. It's just,
it's the picture.

In your head?
Yeah.

Adjust it.
I will.

Fine.

Fine.

I'm Ira.

These are
things you did?

Yes.

When you were single?
That's right.

And who fell for this?

Okay, going backwards,

you...

No, no, no, no, no.
That was different.
How?

Because when we met,
it was fate.
It was fate.

It was.
All right, fine.
It was fate.

Okay, good.
It was fate.

Well, not everybody
is lucky.

So, it is thus
my duty to--to help
the fate-impaired.

What? Y-You don't think
this stuff would work?

I don't know, try it.

Yeah, okay. Good.

I'm serious. Go ahead.

Try it on who?

Whom?
Stop it.

Right there.
How about her?

She's too tall.

She's cute.

GIRL: Oh, I love that.

A little too peppy.

Ah, okay. Right there.
She's perfect for you.

No sense of irony.

Come on.
There must be somebody.
Who would you pick up?

All right. And I'm not just
saying this to suck up.

I--I would pick up you.
Come on.

No, seriously.
Because, you know,
y-you're cute,

you got a perky sweater,

and you look like
you would irritate my mother
just about enough.

Here we go.
Pick me up.

I can't pick you up.
Why not?

'Cause it's stupid.

You think you
can't do it?

Of course I can do it.
I did it. You're up.

Come on. I'm here,
you're there,
we've never met.

Okay.

Ursula. Excuse me.
I'd like to buy
the lady a drink.

Okay. So you want
separate checks?

No.
All right. Well, now,
what about the chicken?

I already bought the lady
a chicken.

Now I'd like to
buy the lady a drink.

I'd like
a champagne cocktail.

You don't
drink those.

How do you know?
We've never met.

That's right.
That's right.
Good point.

Champagne cocktail
for the anonymous lady.

Okay, now, should I
cancel the chicken?

Um, I--I already ate it.

Okay, I'm gonna
check with the chef.

Look, it was really
nice to meet you,

but I got to go.

Okay.

No, no. I got to go.

Yeah.
Which means
you got to go.

Why?

I can't just
leave you here.

Why not?
I'm waiting for Jamie.

It's not my place.
So?

So, what kind of
a citizen would I be?

Come on, come on, come on.

You don't trust me?
I don't know you.

Look, it's cold out.

I'm not gonna
leave you here.

Well, I'm not leavin'.

Well, you want me
to carry you out?

You want
to meet my knee?

Fine.

Fine.

Honey, honey, it's okay.
Here.

There you go,
you've bought me a drink.

Now what?

All right, now I would--
now I would make eye contact.

It's very tricky.

It's... You know, it's
a very tricky science there.

With eye contact,
you know,

'cause if it's
too little eye contact,

then you're darting around.

You know,
you look shifty.

Nobody wants that.

And too much
eye contact,

you know,
you're like a lunatic.

So you got to walk
that very fine line.

How was that?
Very good start.

Okay.
Okay.

Go.
All righty.

(MUMBLES)

You come here often?

Don't you hate
these places?

Hmm.

Anybody ever tell you
you look like Jodie Foster?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me, ma'am,
could you pass the nuts?

I'm an orphan.
Okay, honey...

Fine. You--You do better.
You try. You get me.

Okay.

Where you going?
To get you.

I'm over here.
I'm over there.

But I'm over here.
Soon, you'll
be over there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, that's
not gonna work.

Chewing a straw.

"I'm chewing a straw.

"I'm chewing a straw.
I'll be so attractive.

"Men will come to me
because I'm chewing a straw.

"I'm chewing a straw."

Chew it. It's so cute.

It's not gonna work.

Excuse me.

All right, it worked.

What, you hungry?

Yeah.

So, grab a knife.

So, you and Jamie,
you go to school together,
huh?

Yeah. You're her cousin?

No, Paul's.
Oh.

She's always saying
"My cousin Ira," so...

She says that?
Yeah.

Well, that's nice.
Oh, man!

They got Siegfried
and Roy matches.

Yeah. Paulie and Jamie
were in Vegas last year.

What are you doin'?

I told you,
I collect 'em.

You just take stuff
without asking?

But they're matches.

But they're
their matches.
So?

So, what, you want to take
the toaster, too?

Oh, boy.

You got stuff
in your head.

I don't have
anything in my head.

I could write a paper.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hand 'em over.

Jeez.

So, you
come here often?

Oh, not really.
Don't you hate
these places?

PAUL: Oh, that's smooth.

Hey, I'm Mick.

Jamie.

You know, that's one of
my favorite names.

Oh, brother.

Can I buy you
a drink?

Um...
Your champagne cocktail.

The service
is great here,
isn't it?

Put it on my tab.

Okay, now,
what about the chicken?

You know,
you got a great smile.

Oh, thank you.

Actually,
that's not bad.

I, uh, I don't mean
to embarrass you,

but it's not like
you haven't heard it

a million times before,
right?

Just get him
to talk slower.

Uh, excuse me, friend.

Uh...
Me?

You.
Oh, you know this guy?

Sort of.

Yeah,
I'm her husband.

Oh, really?
Paul.

Hey, Paul.
Listen, man, I'm sorry.

No, no. You go ahead.
I'll just take
a couple of notes.

You go ahead.

Uh, no,
hey, it's okay.

Um, I'm not into this.
So, uh...

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm sure he'll call.

Anyway,
apparently, I win.

No, you got him,
you didn't get me.

I got you.
How do you figure?

You're here.

I'm over here
for research.

I'm not here
'cause of, you now...

All right.
Fine, fine, fine.

What was that?

Whatever it is,
you're over here
because you were jealous.

I wasn't jealous.

Of course you were.
It bothered you.

How do you get that?

Because I know you.

You don't know me.
We've never even met.

Honey, it would
bother anyone.

No, not anyone.

Everyone.
No. I don't... Ursula,
let me ask you something.

You see your boyfriend,
somebody you
love and trust,

talking to some woman
at the bar.
Would that bother you?

Is he
doing that again?
Who?

You bastard!

What is the matter
with you?

Nothin'.

Oh.
Oh, what?

Want another soda?

No, no, no.
Thank you, I'm full.

Oh, man, am I full.

So go.

What, and leave you
unattended? No way.

Well, suit yourself.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

MAGGIE: Yes?
Come here a minute,
will you?

Well, actually, I'm...
No, no, no, no.
I'm not fooling around.

You keep an eye on her, okay?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

So, you having a party?

No.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Okay, okay.

Thank you very much.

It was much appreciated.

And we'll see you later.

Maybe someone
should fix us up.

With whom?

Whom?

Like you like.
With us.

Wait a second.
W-W-Whoa. All right.

What are you doing?
Just...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Okay, honey,
it's for you.

Hello?

Hi. I-Is this Jamie?

Yes.

Hi, hi. My name
is Paul Buchman.

Yes?

Yeah, uh,
your Aunt Charlotte
bought my sister's Saab.

Oh, okay,
well, great.

Yeah.

So.
So.

How you doing?

I'm good.
How are you?

Good. I'm doing good.

Uh, I was thinking, um,

maybe we should
go out sometime.

Like Friday or Thursday.

Or any of the days.

Um, Friday's good.

Friday? Great.
How about 7:00 at Riff's?

Okay, um...

Great. So,
how will I know you?

Uh, people
say I look a little
like Jodie Foster.

Okay.
How will I know you?

Uh, I actually...
I look like Daniel Day-Lewis
in The Last of the Mohicans.

What?
I'm going to
see you Friday.

Just... Just...

All right, great.

So, 7:00, Friday,
drinks at Riff's.

Drinks?

Yeah. W-What'd you think?

I thought you were
buying me dinner.

Well, let's see how it goes.

We'll have drinks,
and if it works out, well,
I'll buy you dinner.

Why wouldn't it work?

Well, you never know.
You don't think
it's going to work out?

I don't know.
I never even met you.

You not even
giving it a try.

Hey, don't pressure me.

Okay, let's just forget
the whole thing.

Hey, fine.
Fine.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Oh, come on,
I'm kidding. God!

You, know, you are
just like my husband.

What? You're married?

Yeah, for about
five minutes.

Well, you got me
beat by two.

What happened?

We were young.
That's the short version.

Well, you're
still young.
Stupid young.

Yeah?
I know about that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Huh.

Huh.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

What?
Sorry to bother you.

I just, uh...
I can't seem
to reach these.

Why not?

I just can't.

It's right there.

Oh, hi, I'm Jamie.

Oh. All right.

Oh, no, no.

You know what?
I don't think so.

Why not?

Because I can see
how tall you are.

You would just
reach your arm up.

Maybe I have bursitis.

Oh, there's a turn on.
Oh, fine.

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

Wait a minute.
Go back. Go back.

I used to
work there.

You're kidding?

Why not?
It's the psychic line.

Yeah, so?

So, what,
you're a psychic now?

You just got to talk.

Which clearly
you can do.

What'd you talk about?

Mostly I just listened
and gave them a little push.

How'd you know
where to push?

You listen hard enough,
you can hear what
someone wants.

Yeah?
Yeah.

So, what do I want?

Something here.

Something where?

Here, this place.

What, like the credenza?

No.

Not something you
can put in your pocket

or put on a U-Haul.

Or, you know,
something they got here
that you wish you had.

That's why you've
been acting like this.

It means something
to you, I think.

Either that
or you're just a putz.

Why is this so hard?

What?
For us
to meet each other.

'Cause it's stupid.

I can't get you,
I got you. We're married.

Well, actually,
that should make me
more attractive to you.

What do you mean?

Women get off
on married men.

Not all women.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's a thing.

It's like men
and lesbian scenes.

Okay, see, I don't get that.

What? What is not to get?
I mean, I get it.

But you all like it
so much.

Yes, 'cause it's naked
and fun, and I agree
with both of them.

You can't
compare the two.

Oh, absolutely.
The minute I put this on,

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
I became 10 times
more attractive than I am.

Fine. Not to all women.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Paul.

Jamie.

That's funny.
That's my wife's name.

Oh, you're married?
Yeah.

Almost three years.
Wow.

What's she like?

My wife?
Yeah.

Kind of like you,
actually.

About your height,
your hair, your eyes, too.

She sounds perfect.

Actually, no. No.

Not so much perfect.

She never puts the ATM stuff
into the checkbook.

So we're always,
like, $60 off.

Okay, I'm sorry...
Don't defend her.

She sneaks cigarettes
behind my back.

Like, what,
I don't have a nose?

Then--Then she doesn't
tell me that the film lab
called last night,

so I have to go down
in the middle of
my lunch hour to...

I could go on
and on and on.

Why don't you
just say something.

Why make trouble?

But she's got
good points, too.

She's got a lot
of good points.

She gets so excited
about things.

You know,
she's genuinely surprised

when we don't
win the lottery.

She won't give money
to Crazy Pete
on the corner,

but she'll go
a block and a half
out of her way

to buy the man a sandwich.

And her laugh...

Her egg salad,
very strong egg salad.

The way she calls me
on stuff

when I'm
making myself crazy.

Knowing when I need
to make myself crazy

and then going there with me.

Mostly, her egg salad.

Well,
she sounds great.

She's okay.

So, why are you
here with me?

I just can't
help myself.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

JAMIE: Hey. Hey.
IRA: Hey. Hey.

MAN ON TV:
Your table, madame.

WOMAN ON TV:
Thank you, sir.

This is fun,
isn't it?

Yeah.
PAUL: This I like.

You're sure you like
to do things like this?

Sure.
JAMIE: See, now this guy knows
what he's doing.

...girls wanted fellas
to take them to fancy places.

Spend lots of money.

Not this girl.

JAMIE: He could find me,
meet me, and make me his
like that.

You know, I sort of like
things like this, too.

PAUL: Well, who knew?

You won't laugh?

I like to go on
bicycle trips, too.
Do you?

Mmm-hmm.
And miniature golf,
do you like that?

Yeah, and weenie roasts
and square dances.

And baseball games
and taffy pulls.

JAMIE: Why don't you ever
take me to a taffy pull?

...you like to do
lots of things, don't you?

PAUL: I didn't know
you were interested.