MacGyver (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 6 - Jack of Lies - full transcript

Some things
in life just aren't fair!

This is one of 'em.

I suppose I could
always call the police...

Or not.

I don't believe this!

Bedroom stripped,
closet cleaned out.

Kidnapped.

A thief with a sense of humor.

"dear Mac, if you ever
want to see your fridge alive,

"meet me at the west end
of the airport, hangar 13.

Come alone or the fridge fries."



Some folks might see the
humor in something like this.

I don't happen to be one.

But I knew someone who would.

Jack Dalton.

I hadn't seen Jack
Dalton in almost five years.

He, Mike forrester
and I had been

Like the three musketeers.

After college, we traipsed
all over Europe together.

You had to give Jack one thin.

He knew how to have fun.

High-adventure, globe-trottin',
no-holds-barred fun.

Tonight it started with
lootin' my apartment,

and this very convenient
open door told me

it wasn't gonna stop there.



Jack Dalton.

Rogue, adventurer,

liar,

Thief.

And there was living proof...

My hockey Jersey.

It was startin' to look to me

Like maybe Jack
Dalton had a plan.

Well, so did I.

One might ask how
I could be so sure

This was the work
of Jack Dalton.

Well, sometimes you just know.

Jack!

Come on, I know it's you!

My stuff!

Jack!

MacGyver!

I'm flattered. You came.

I had a choice?

Yo, Mac!

Where you goin'?

Oh, you're not steamed, are ya?

Come on, it was a joke!

First you're gonna
come down here

so I can punch you in the nose.

Then you're gonna
load up all my stuff

and take it back to my place.

You got that?

All-all right. I'm sorry.
If that's what you want,

I'll put it all back.

- Good!
- Hey, Mac, please.

Please don't go!
Where you goin'?

Mac, I'm beggin' ya.

Mac! Whoa!

Jack!

Whoo!

You should see your face!

Priceless!

Oh, Mac,
you haven't changed.

Not a bit.

Neither have you, Jack.

Yeah? Thanks. !

It wasn't a compliment.

Hey, Mac, you got
to cut me down. Mac!

Mac, cut me down!

Come on, MacGyver.

My head's about to explode here.

Aah. Oh, I knew

you wouldn't leave me hanging.

You can call me amigo

anytime.

If there's ever anything
I can do for you,

just let me know... amigo.

Now, easy, easy.

Hey, watch-watch my head!

Just like the tocotines.

In papantla. You remember, Mac?

When you and Mike
and I were at the festival

of corpus christi?

Always wanted to try that.

Whew! What a rush!

Jack, what do you want?

Right to the point, huh? Good.

We can reminisce later.

I want to talk.

I do have a phone.

At least I used to.

Yeah, but I couldn't
be sure you'd come.

I need a favor.

You sure know how
to butter a guy up!

Look, I got my own company now.

Jack Dalton, sole proprietor,

fly by night air
freight at your service.

The official airline for slugs,
scum and all manner of vermin.

Anyway, I was...

Shall we say transporting
some very valuable orchids.

Shall we say smuggling?

That's an ugly word, Mac.

But, hey, at a thousand
bucks a plant, I can live with it.

Anyway, you know me.

What do I know about orchids?

Maybe how to spell it.

So I needed expert advice.

Botanists.

So where does a favor come in?

A little rescue mission
to save the botanists.

In dinoto.

Dinoto?

As in Central America, dinoto?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Mac.
We can take my plane,

be there in no
time. Think about it.

Adventure. Danger.

It'll be fun!

Jack, what have
these botanists done?

Americans are being
snatched all over the world, Mac.

I mean, you know how
it is with these crazies.

You're lyin', Jack.

About what, I don't know,

but you're hidin' somethin'.

That hurts me, Mac.

How can you say that?

Your eye.

It still twitches
when you're lyin'.

Look, I got to do it, Mac!

It's my fault they're there.

Mac, please,

a favor for a friend,
I'm beggin' you.

Why should I believe you?

You've never been straight

about anything
in your whole life.

And whatever happened

to that lookin' out
for number one,

cut your losses
and get out quick,

Jack Dalton we
all knew and loved?

He's changed.

Yeah. Wish I could believe that.

I'm dyin', Mac.

What?

I'm dyin'.

No joke?

No joke.

And I just want to do
one thing right before I do.

All I said, Mac, was
there was a remote chance

that there's an ounce
of truth to his story.

That's all.

Our sources do tell us

that there's an American
botanist in the country.

So you're tellin' me some
botanists are missing?

Mac, what makes you think this
isn't one of Jack's lies?

I don't know, Pete.

I think he's tellin'
the truth this time.

Just a feelin'.

Well, I don't like it.

The whole thing creaks.

Makes me nervous.

Careful, Pete, you're on a diet.

You know how you like to
eat when you're nervous.

Listen, Mac, you
know there is no way

the foundation can
get involved in this,

but if there's anything
that I can do unofficially,

call me,

will ya?

Thank you for using the telephone.

Your three minutes are up!

So what's the deal?

Papa Thornton say
you can come out

And play or what?

Yeah.

Good.

Now we go to plane, kemo sabe.

You follow.

I know I said
I was gonna slug him.

But how do you hit a kid?

Shouldn't we be using
charts or something?

Charts! Shouldn't
we be using charts?

What's the name
on the plane, Mac?

Fly by night.

Exactly.

Now relax.

I know what I'm doin'.

Charts?

Strong box.

Hey, you found the pictures!

Where was that one taken again?

Martinique.

That was just before

We went divin'
off the coral reef.

Oh, right. That was the day

we saw that shark
feeding frenzy.

Whoo! Remember?

Remember?! You started it.

That was the same day I
cut my air hose on the coral.

You saved my life.

Hey, that's what
buddies are for.

What else you got there?

Uh, it's you, me and
Mike in Barbados.

You, me and Mike in Singapore.

You, me and Mike in Fresno.

Oh, those were good times.

Yup.

So, have you seen
Mike any lately?

You always were a
little warm for her form.

Ah, it's been about four years.

Besides, you were the one

that was always
proposin' to her.

Yeah. And she'd have said yes

if she didn't think
it'd broke your heart.

Boy, it'd be great

To get together again,
just the three of us.

One last great adventure.

Yeah.

How about you, Jack?

You seen Mike lately?

Nah.

Been a long time.

Long time.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

We'd like to thank you
for flying fly by night,

and welcome you
to beautiful dinoto

where the temperature
is a balmy 83 degrees.

Please extinguish
all smoking materials

and bring your seat
backs and tray tables

to their full upright
position for landing.

Somethin' tells me

this isn't the only
airport in town.

Customs can be such
a bother, old boy.

Here we go, hold on.

You know, I feel good
about this.

I didn't want to say
anything last night,

But I had my doubts
you'd even come.

However, you're here,
the sun's up,

it's a new day, and all's well

On god's green earth.

Yes, indeed.

We'll be in and out in
no time with my botanists.

Does anyone know you
went for help?

Are you kiddin'?

I slipped out of here
like a thief in the night.

No way anybody knows I was gone.

- You sure?
- Positive.

Capitain! Capitain! I hear it!

Looks like
you've been missed.

You want to tell
me what's goin' on?

Oh, my mistake.

Private airstrip.

Jack,

why are the police here?

I could have sworn I told ya.

Those are the guys

We have to save
the botanists from.

The police?!

Ah, take it easy, Mac.

I got a plan.

Jack, wouldn't you say
we're running out of runway?

Ah, you worry
too much, Mac.

Sometimes you
don't worry enough!

Come on, faster!

Let's get 'em!

Hang on, Mac!

I'm bringing her around!

What was that?

Tricks of me trade, Mac,
me boy. Ol' tricks of me trade.

What are you doing?

I'm going to give 'em
a burst of fresh air.

They're gaining on us!

Hang on! We're turning again!

Whoa!

Whoo!

Oh, Mac, I got to tell you,
it brought tears to my eyes!

Beautiful!

Now tell me you're not having

just a little bit of fun!

Oh, crack shooting,

antunnez.

You got a bunch of real
sharpshooters on your force.

Perhaps you'd like to
test my marksmanship?

That's not just my money
winging its way out of here.

No. You and I are
like a team, amigo.

I lose, you lose.

He will not leave
without the girl.

We will get to your plants...

And then we will
kill Jack Dalton.

Vamos!

Jack, why are we going down?

There's nothing but
jungle around here.

I'm going to put
her down right there.

There? Where's there?
I don't see a landing strip.

Neither do I.
It's a cow pasture.

But sometimes sacrifices
have to be made.

Hold on. Hold on now.
Little bump coming.

There we go.

Another nifty
landing, Jack, my boy.

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Pure as the driven snow.

Jack, would you mind
telling me exactly what's going on?

Exactly what's going on is
a little difficult,

but I'll give you a
fair approximation.

I've got a place near
here, a little hideout of sorts.

I like to think of it
as my summer home.

Your summer home?
Get much company?

You're the first.

They hit our fuel tank.

Not to worry.

Someone has to.

Great job. Put it on my bill.

I'll pay you later... let's
get out of here now.

This place always
kind of reminds me

of a roach motel for airplanes.

They fly in, but
they don't fly out.

Sort of like us.

- So, tell me,

Who's the happy
cop with the gun?

Antunnez.

Jack, what's the deal?

Take a look.

Orchids?

Phragmopedium besseae, actually.

Now, Jack, I could be wrong,

but antunnez does not
strike me as a flower lover.

Want to level with me?

I'm kind of tired of
being jerked around

like a big dog on a short leash.

Let it never be
said of Jack Dalton

that he was unkind to animals.

Heroin?

You're smuggling heroin?

Of all the stupid,
idiotic things, Jack!

- I thought I knew you better...
- It's not my stuff!

Mac, gee!

For the right amount of grease,

Antunnez will
look the other way.

He did for me, and he did for
the guy whose heroin this is.

The name is Sonny.

How'd you end up with it?

He stashed it in my plants.

Antunnez told him I'd
fly it back to the states.

When I found out about
it, I told 'em to take a hike.

That's when they grabbed mi...

My botanist.

Botanist?

I thought there
was more than one.

Botanists.

Botanist.

Yeah, I can see how
that could be confusing.

Anyway, they thought
they could force my hand.

So you took their
drugs, ran to me

Thinking I'd bail you out?

You're the only real
friend I've got, Mac.

So why didn't you just
tell me the whole story?

Right, sure. Drugs,
blackmail, corrupt police.

Sounds like a bad TV show.

Yeah. You want to
know how it ends?

They all live
happily ever after?

With me walking out that
door and going for help.

Oh, Mac, come on!

Mac, Mac, Mac, come on.

What about Mike?

She'll be dead by
the time you get

the kind of help we need.

Mike?

Mike forrester?

The Mike in those pictures?

- Our Mike?!
- Now, I could've sworn I told you.

Mike's my botanist.

I told you,
I'm a botanist.

I don't know
where your stuff is.

Okay, come on, babe.

This is getting
real old, real fast.

We want our scag.

Okay...

Look... I understand

You might not want to
deal with this dude here.

But me... hey, I'm an American

just the same as you.

You're nothing like me.

What kind of an American
would buy off a cop

and let him kick monks
out of their own monastery

all for money?

A guy's got to have some fun.

I've already told you.

I don't know where
your drugs are,

and I don't know where Jack is!

I believe her, Sonny.

Finally!

But she has outlived
her usefulness.

Whoa.

It ain't a total wipeout.

A pretty babe like her?

I'll bet she's good
for something.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

My mother taught me...

Never to strike a lady.

I never listened to my mother.

You told me you
hadn't seen her in years.

I don't get you!
Why all these lies?

All you had to do was say
that Mike was in trouble,

and I'd have come down here.

Oh, yeah. You'd have been mad.

You'd have left
me behind in L.A.

You don't think I'm mad now?!

Yeah, but, Mac, we're
here, we're here together...

You and me... And
we're going to save Mike.

You know, I wonder
if you're even dying,

Or was that a lie, too?

Sorry.

All right, where are
they keeping her?

I'm not sure. But don't worry.

I got a plan.

I'll bet.

That's Elena over
there. She runs the place.

- Which one?
- The one in the red,

Apron, doorway.

She hears all, sees
more and tells little...

Except to moi.

She's a very good friend.

She just might know
where he's keeping her.

And we've got to get
past those guys first.

Come on.

Antunnez is inside,
and he's looking for you.

Don't I know it.

We got to find
out where Mike is.

- Do you know where antunnez is keeping her?
- I don't know,

But I might know
somebody who does.

Dalton!

What?!

Look, let's split up.

No use both of
us getting caught.

What do you mean, both of us?

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

Yoo-hoo!

Some plan, Jack.

So Jack wanted to get caught?

What kind of plan is that?

A dumb one.

He probably figured he'd
be thrown in with Mike.

Probably also figured
I'd go after him, too.

Did he also figure you
would save them both?

Jack operates a lot on faith.

Any idea why antunnez
threw 'em in the monastery

instead of his jail?

Privacy.

The colonel doesn't like to
mix business with pleasure.

Anybody else ever get in?

Except once.

A few weeks ago, the
monks had a funeral.

That's where their mausoleum is.

I'm sorry I can't help you more.

Oh, don't worry...
I have a plan.

I can't believe
I just said that.

I do and do and do for you guys,

And this is the thanks I get?

Oh, go ahead, crack wise, sport.

You got one day to tell
me where my stuff is,

Or you're both vapor.

Jack, are you all right?

I haven't felt this
good in a long time.

I feel alive.

You look terrible.

Oh, right, well, thanks
for the cheer-up, ducky.

Why don't you just tell
them where the heroin is?

'Cause it's wrong.

And it's the only
reason we're still alive.

Ah, don't worry, toots.

We're gettin' outta here.

It'll take a miracle.

We got it... MacGyver.

- Here?
- You betcha.

All I had to say was
"Mike's in trouble,"

and, bingo, there he was.

Mac.

Yeah, all we
gotta do is sit tight.

Mac'll get us out.

Does this look bad?

Bad.

Alto.

Yo, gentlemen.

Eyes front and center.

I must say I am surprised
to see you all here.

I was not aware of
any recent deaths.

Ah, but how rude of me.

Where there is a coffin,

there must surely be a body.

Put the coffin down here.

I have interfered enough

With this poor soul's journey
to his final resting place.

Perhaps...

I can insure the dearly departed

of a speedy arrival

at his final destination.

Now...

You may Bury your dead.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'd never been one to give
much thought to what I wore,

But a guy could get attached
to this outfit after awhile.

Multipurpose clerical wear.

Something useful
for every occasion.

Especially for
staying outta trouble.

Oh, I got it.

Breast-fed babies
are the best fed babies.

- No.
- No?

Damn.

Then I'd like to buy
another vowel, pat.

Hi, kids.

Mac!

I can't believe you're here.

That makes two of us.

Ah, why is it every time

you wish you had your camera,

you remember you left
it in another country?

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, what's the deal, you
wear pants under those, or what?

No pants?

I think we oughta hightail
it outta here, padre.

Look.

What?

The truck.

Oh.

Let's go.

I'm going to need
something to carry a current.

Here.

Oh, you guys are good together.

I've put a lot of effort
into this, antunnez,

But it's all a waste of
time if Dalton doesn't talk.

Ah, but he will talk

Or watch the girl die a
most unpleasant death.

You guys still need me.

Yow!

Move it! Come on!

Antunnez, my man,

it looks like it's time
for another funeral...

Yours.

Don't worry.

There's only one way for
them to leave this country...

Their plane... And
I have it covered.

I'd say we hoof it from here.

Jack?

What? What?

Can't a guy show a little
appreciation for his freedom?

Help me up, will ya?

You all right?

Okay.

Sure?

Sure.

So much for a clean getaway.

Well, it's just as well it
worked out this way, I suppose.

That plane wasn't
goin' anywhere.

Say what?

Remember we got
hit when we came in?

Lost all that fuel?

Well, I checked the gauges.

Way I figure it, we
take off in that plane

one of two things can happen.

One, we can fly about five miles

And crash into the mountains.

Or two, we can
fly about five miles

and crash into the ocean.

Nice to have options.

Oh, you know, Mac,
some days are like that.

Oh, is this great or what?

What?

Us. Together again.

Just like the monkees.

Ah, the good old days. Remember?

Forgive me for
being a wet blanket,

but I'd feel a whole lot better

if we could take this
reunion tour on the road.

Mike, Mike! Don't worry. I've...

I have a plan.

Do I say that a lot?

Yeah. Well, I got a plan, too.

Come on.

We need the plane
and we need time to fix it.

We need to get antunnez'
men away from it.

Yeah, that's where
you come in, son.

Give us half an hour

and then bring antunnez and
Sonny back to your junkyard.

And then?

We'll have a little
surprise made up for 'em.

What'll I use for bait?

Tell antunnez we'll trade
his drugs for your plane.

Jack's plane's
worthless right now.

You know that. I know
that. Jackknows that.

I like your style.

- Yeah.
- See ya later.

Let's go.

Is that the heroin?

That's good.

Just put it down right there.

Hope Jack doesn't object.

I dug into his private stock

of cheap wine.

I don't know, Mac.

I usually use the white wine
to charge my dead batteries.

Actually, vinegar works better,

but there's enough
acid in this stuff

to act as a catalyst

So I think Jack's wine
comes close enough.

Come on.

Besides, we only
need charge enough

To turn this prop
a couple of times.

That's great! Like
a better mousetrap!

Yeah.

Now what?

Now all we have to do is
camouflage the tarpaulin,

check the starter here
back to the wine battery,

and cover up the
rope with vines.

We need stuff like this.

What's this for?

It's good to see ya again, Mike.

How do you guys do it?

Pummel me all night,
shoot at me in the morning,

steal my plane in the afternoon,

And still not a
hair out of place.

You feel like praying a little?

:
Oh, take it easy on me, man.

You're never gon' see
your drugs no more, man.

Ah, I don't think that
would be a very wise idea.

No more games, Dalton.

No more games?

Then how about a proposition?

All right, here we go.

Huh! It's a nice place.

You and the rest of the garbage.

I see you have finally
decided to be civil.

How very wise of you.

Enough small talk.

Where's our smack?

It's by the plane.
Let me get it for you.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Not without company.

Let's all go.

Okay...

Hold it!

Antunnez!

That's enough!

Antunnez!

Get me down there now!

Antunnez! Antunnez!

The heroin.

Well, it's not quite that easy.

You'd leave an awful
lot of loose ends.

You are drug smugglers.
I am the law.

And you will not be
alive to say otherwise.

Now wait a minute.
I got, I got a plan.

You want, you want
the smack, right?

Here's what you do.

You let them go and you
and I boggie with the Booty.

Jack, what are you doing?

I'll ask the questions.

And what do I need
you for, Mr. Dalton?

'cause like it or not, if they
find our bodies down here,

our government's
going to make sure

that your government
makes it very hard on you.

Americans are funny that way.

They kinda take
care of their own.

Like family, you know?

That'll make it very difficult

For you to move that
smack, even if you have it.

That's where I come in.

Where you come in?

I've got a plane.

I can fly.

You can't.

You'd be so rich.

Tax-free American dollars.

Power!

And all you gotta do

is let them live.

What's that to you?

Touch 'em, you go nowhere.

Jack, this is
crazy. I can't let...

Mac, I got you two into this.

Least I can do is
get you out of it.

What do you say, colonel?

Best deal in town.

We have an
agreement, Mr. Dalton.

You two, over there!

Tie them up and let's go.

Jack, what the
heck are you doin'?

The minute you
take off in that plane,

you're a dead man.

I meant what I said
about family, Mac.

You and Mike are family to me.

You really are
dyin', aren't you?

We're all dyin', Mac.

Some of us are just doin' it

A little faster than
others, that's all.

Jack... is that true?

Dalton!

Take care of each
other, will you?

The drugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Dalton!

Come on, Mike, hurry.

There's no way I'm gonna
let him go through with this.

Don't drop it.

Go!

It's been said the best gift

A man could ever give
another was his life.

Jack Dalton was never one
to settle for less than the best.

Thank you, Jack.

I don't know what line Jack used

to bring you down to dinoto,
but I'm sure glad it worked.

Actually it was the
truth that clinched it.

You knew Jack was dying.

Yeah.

I wonder why he never told me.

Well, you know Jack.
No time for sympathy.

Yeah, too busy livin' life.

Searching for that
greatest adventure.

Havin' a lot of fun
with his friends.

Yeah, all right, uh, thanks.

Keep me posted, will ya?

The columbian Navy
picked up antunnez.

He washed ashore, still
holding onto his dope.

At least that should
guarantee a conviction.

Well, antunnez
claims he bailed out

When he saw both
engines smoking.

Says the plane was going down.

He hit the water, went
under and when he came up,

There was no sign
of the plane... or Jack.

Both engines smoking.

Tricks of me trade, me
boyo, tricks of me trade.

What?

You don't 'spose he had a plan?

But Jack said he only had
enough fuel for about five miles.

Yeah, and when was the last time

Jack didn't stretch
the truth just a little?