MacGyver (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 20 - Friends - full transcript

There's
no place like home.

That's especially true
if you spent 12 hours

on a flight from Central America

That gave new meaning
to the word "turbulence."

Pete Thornton sent me
to find a piece of evidence

that would link Fernando
marin, a major drug dealer,

To the flow of cocaine
into the United States.

And I'd found it...

Hidden in the jungle and
guarded by some tribesmen

who were on marin's payroll.

They weren't too happy
I'd gotten away with it.



Three times in one day

I came as close to getting
killed as I ever have.

It can make you start
to think... real hard.

Your first brush with
death could be an accident.

The second could
be a coincidence.

The third could be a message.

And I didn't like
the sound of it at all.

But at least I was thousands
of miles from that jungle,

safe in my own place.

That made me
feel a little better.

Gringo...

You have stolen

The property of Fernando marin.

I haven't stolen anything.



- How'd you get in...?
- Callate.

You will take me to the place
where the property is hidden.

To the Phoenix foundation.

Oh, no. No way.

Oh, I think you will.

Okay.

Anda.

Look, I don't know
what happened to that computer disk.

It could be on its way to
Washington for all I know.

Be careful with
the knife, will you?

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

All right! Okay. Quiet.

Let's see what we have
behind door number one.

It's your old buddy,

Jack Dalton, in the flesh.

Well, we knew you'd
never come if you thought

it was gonna be a
party, so I told Jack

when you were getting
in from Central America,

and, uh, he took it from there.

Wasn't that a hoot?

All right, everybody,

give the birthday
boy room to breathe.

There's plenty to eat
and drink over there

and the champagne
punch is on that table.

You'll get yours.

I, uh, I know you
don't like gifts,

so I just invited a
few people that, uh,

I thought you might like to see.

I don't believe it.

Thanks for coming, Harry.

I know you don't like bus rides.

Well, I missed enough
of your birthdays.

Besides, what are grandpas for?

Wait a minute.
Where're you going?

I'm starving.

We got plenty of time to gab.

I'm bunking over at your place.

Ah.

Well... Quite a spread, huh?

Yeah, it's nice.

Did you, uh, get
what we were after?

Yes, sir.

All right. Well done.

Oh, there were, uh, some people

who couldn't make it, but, uh,

They sent you remembrances.

They're on the table

near where Jack is standing.

Just put it right there.

Uh, would you meet me
by the crab claws, please?

How could you do this?

Do you realize you
broke into my place

and held me at knifepoint?

It was all Pete Thornton's idea.

Pete Thornton made me do it.

Stop it! Your eye's twitching.

You're lying to me.

Oh, Mac, don't bring me down.

This joke just may be
the pinnacle of my career.

So help me, Jack,
someday... someday.

I know, I know... Bang! Zoom!

Happy birthday, MacGyver!

My... me...

My birthday's a
week from Tuesday.

Oh, um, penny
Parker, Jack Dalton.

Jack used to be a friend.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Enchanté, señorita.

Ooh.

There's more where
that came from.

Hey, Mac, how come
you never told me

about this vision of loveliness?

Where did you meet
her... Shangri-la?

Bulgaria.

See, we were at the
airport in Bulgaria,

only I knew the police
were following us,

So I put the jewels
in MacGyver's pocket.

But then the police,
well, they caught us

and they handcuffed us together.

Boy, you were really mad.

Grab that chair.

Well, why don't I get two
chairs and we can both sit?

It's not for sitting.

Never mind the chair.

Excuse me.

Hey, that's good! Cheap wall.

We can just poke our
way right out of here.

It's a baggage conveyor belt.

There's no way I can just
poke through this chicken wire.

Damn.

It was a nice thought, though.

All right, bend these out.

We're gonna make
them into a figure eight.

Well, what are you gonna do

With a figure eight?

You ever been to a rodeo?

Sort of. I was queen of
the future farmers once.

Later. Later.

All right. Good.

Now I know why
you asked about the rodeo.

You're going to lasso
the conveyor belt.

I sure am gonna try.

Let's go!

What are you doing?

I gotta have my purse.

It's just like the
ride at Disneyland.

Will you keep your head down?

Economy class.

And you should have seen

The look on the faces
of all those foreigners.

Oh!

Stick with me, my
little Bulgarian bundle,

And we'll go first class
all the way to the stars.

Excuse me, kids, I'll be back.

What's the matter with him?

Birthday blues.
I've seen it before.

What's the meaning of
life? What's the grand plan?

What's to drink?

So tell me, what is it you do?

I'm an actress.

What an astounding coincidence.

I'm a producer.

Really?

I also sing and dance.

- No!
- Mm-hmm.

When I was a lad, I
studied opera in Italy,

In Milan. I won a la scala-ship.

Will you look at
all this loot? Ha, ha!

Yeah, you know,
the funny thing is,

darned near every
one of these things

Almost got me killed
at one time or another.

They sent me to the
middle east for this.

Shows all the terrorist
targets in the states.

"For a man who's
always on the run.

From your friends
at the department."

Him! Him!

Halt!

That is far enough!

The map!

You know, I'd like to...

But, uh, I really
need it myself.

You amuse me.

Sorry...

But I really do need it.

Well, I guess it just proves
that a good map will always,

Uh, get you to
where you want to go.

Yeah, provided you want
to get there in the first place.

I never quite
thought of it that way.

I'm starting to, Harry.

Excuse me.

Hey, many happy returns, pal.

You don't look a day over 50.

Don't ask me how I feel.

This is hot stuff, MacGyver.

Yeah, the information you
brought back on this disk

Is exactly what we needed.

When I get back to Washington,

the legal wheels against
Mr. Fernando marin

Are really gonna start humming.

And that'll be one
less drug connection

we have to worry about.

Well, I'm glad it worked out.

I think I'm gonna
buy myself a drink.

You want anything?

No, thanks.

Rough trip?

Well, yeah. Came close to
dying about three different times.

Really? What happened?

Ah, it doesn't matter now.

What does matter is that

The only reason
I'm alive is luck.

I had nothing to do with it.

Huh. Well, you always said
you'd rather be lucky than good.

Yeah, yeah, I said that.

But you know, Pete, I'm
starting to think I pressed my luck

about as far as it can go.

What does that mean?

I've had it, Pete.

I want to resign.

MacGyver, think about
what you're saying.

Resigning...

I have thought about it, Pete.

For the past 24 hours,

I have done nothing
but think about it.

What are you going
to do after you resign?

Have you thought about that?

What are you gonna
do, sit behind a desk?

You would go crazy
inside of a week.

Take it from somebody who knows.

MacGyver, it's your birthday.

I mean, you're... You're
being introspective.

That's normal.

I understand that,

but tomorrow you're
gonna wake up

and everything is gonna
seem different to you.

Pete, for the past seven years,
I have done nothing but travel

around the world getting
shot up, locked up, blown up,

and all I've got to show for it

are a couple of empty
rolls of duct tape.

Listen to me!

There is no one else
in the world like you.

You're a cat!
You've got nine lives.

I've already lived eight of 'em!

I don't want to
waste the last one.

I want to go home to Minnesota.

Want to find someone,
get married or something.

Do normal things
while I still have time.

So I'd appreciate it if you'd...

Draw up some
resignation papers for me.

Please.

Redford? Bob?

He's a sweetheart.

Prince... I love the guy.

Taught him how to ski.

What's wrong with your eye?

Oh, I... allergy.

Must be a cat around
here somewhere.

Anyhow, did I ever
tell you about the time

I saved MacGyver
from certain death?

'Cause if I didn't,
I should have.

Picture this:

there we are, on
the rim of Africa,

among the tents of
the noble nomads.

There must be a cat
around here somewhere.

Anyway, the noble
nomads aren't so noble

on account of because
the head honcho

ripped off this very
valuable piece of horseflesh.

MacGyver goes right
in there to get that horse

And return it to
its rightful owner.

You know, we could go back
to your place and talk about this.

Nah, didn't think so.

Hyah! Hyah!

But you said that you saved
MacGyver from certain death.

Exactly.

Who do you think was
flying that chopper?

Oh.

I think I'll try another one.

I think I'm going to try one.

The very next
dinner party I give...

Breast of lizard á la
MacGyver. It's delicious.

You're a very...

Unexpected man, MacGyver.

You...

Keep me off-balance.

I'm sorry.

No.

I think...

I think I like it.

Want to share?

That's quite an offer.

Is that a yes or a no?

Will you excuse me? MacGyver!

Happy birthday!

MacGyver, it is so
great to see you.

Happy birthday.

Kate, it's good to see you.

I... I don't know what to say.

Oh...

Isn't it wonderful?

And you're
responsible for it, too.

What? No way.

Mm-hmm.

I want you to meet my
husband, Mike Desmond.

Mike, Mike, this is MacGyver.

Mike husband, great to meet you.

- Desmond.
- Mike Desmond.

You're the, uh, linebacker
for the titans, right?

- Right.
- Oh, you're terrific.

You're having a
great year. Keep it up.

Well, thank you,
and Kate's told me

So much about you.

She said you two
had quite a time

when you were down
in San Sebastian.

No, no, we, uh...

Well, we didn't see too
much of each other, actually.

It was one of those
things where...

I thought Kate said
that if it wasn't for you,

she'd have never
gotten out of there.

Well, yeah, uh...

Her editor sent me
down there to get her out.

You know, after I took
those pictures of the general

with his pals from the mob.

I guess he figured he
wasn't too photogenic, huh?

See, we'd been on the run

for a couple of days till
we reached the border.

Home free... except we weren'.

The general and his
soldiers were there in force,

So I figured we needed
some kind of a diversion.

It's time to get
our party started.

Forward!

Up the hill!

Hang on, connolly!

Hang on to what?

Come on, Kate, swim.

Yeah, the pictures were a
little wet, but we got them out.

You know, Kate used
those pictures in her articles,

and the magazine
promoted her to senior editor.

That's how I met Mike.

Oh, and now there's a
Mike junior on the way.

That's terrific.

I don't know how
you keep doing it.

What's that?

Bouncing all over the world.

I know I used to think that
was the only way to live,

but, well, now
that I have a home

and I'm gonna have a family,

Well, I just couldn't
be happier in my life.

Yeah.

You see how this line
intersects that one obliquely?

That means you and I will be
spending a lot of time together.

Well, that's funny because, see,

I had my palm read
by madame bourgiba...

Not the one on
Hollywood boulevard,

but the one on
Melrose... And she told me

that if that line intersects
that one obliquely,

well, then that means
I'm gonna move to India

and live in a hut on the Ganges.

Exactly.

But that's after we spend
a lot of time together.

You see, there's the
Ganges, there's the little hut

and there we are spending
a lot of time together!

Waiting for a bus?

Bannister?

What the heck?

Where did you come from?

New director of operations
sent me in, backup.

New director?

Oh, you're gonna love him.

I can hardly wait.

We're now 90% home.

Just down this hill

And a couple of
kilometers due west.

Brakes seem to be fading.

Correction: Non-existent.

Yeah, we're going

To the border all
right... in pieces.

Unless this emergency...

Nothing.

I think we're out of fluid, Mac.

Sorry, pal.

Some backup, huh?

No, no, no, no,
there's got to be a way.

- What're you talking about?
- There's got to be a way

To stop this thing.

Without brakes? Oh, yeah.

No, with brakes.

Come again?

Pop the hood.

What?

Just pop it.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, there's still
got to be some fluid

in the power steering, right?

Maybe I can pump it
into the brake cylinder.

Sure that'll work?

No.

All right, pump the brake!

Pump the brakes!

Mac, my boy...
I think you did it.

We got brakes!

Piece of cake!

I went in there to save you

and you wound up saving me.

Oh, I bet I know what
you two are talking about.

The east German
assignment, right?

How'd you guess?

well, you two guys
working together,

you, uh, you were the best.

In fact, I got a letter
of commendation

from the state department
about that case.

Well, send me a copy
one of these days, Pete.

Maybe I can get a raise.

Speaking of letters,
Pete, do you have

That letter of
resignation for me?

You really serious about that?

Yeah.

It's on my desk.

Bud tells me you're
his best friend.

I like to think so.

Then maybe you
know what's eating him.

Yeah, Harry, I do.

I know exactly
what's eating him.

Am I butting in on something?

No. Come on in, Harry.

A real nice party those
folks thrown for you out there.

So how come
you're not enjoying it?

I'm trying to make
a decision, Harry.

About the toughest
one of my life.

Want some free advice?

I'd pay for it.

Go with your gut.

What's up here can...
Keep you confused.

What's here most of
the time... Tells it plain.

Hi. Listen.

I want you two to
be the first to know.

I hate this.

What's that for?

For being a really sweet guy.

And because I have great news.

Mr. Thornton offered me a
job in the research department.

So that means we're all three

Gonna be working
together... You, me and Jack.

What are you talking about?

Well, you're Jack-be-quick
messenger service.

You deliver packages
for the foundation.

How did you know about that?

And you weren't flying
the chopper in Arabia

That saved MacGyver
from certain death.

How did you know about that?

Well, there's a memo on the wall

in the ladies' lounge,
and it says that when

Jack Dalton's left
eye is twitching,

he's lying like a cheap rug.

"La scala-ship." That's so cute.

Truth hurts, huh, Jack?

Especially when
you're not used to it.

If this is what you really want,

I'm not gonna try
to talk you out of it.

Thank you.

I respect you too much for that.

I appreciate that.

I was thinking

about the first assignment I
ever gave you... east Berlin.

Pete, don't start.

In some ways, it hardly
seems that long ago.

And that smuggling you
out in that steamer trunk...

It wasn't a steamer
trunk, it was a coffin.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I was hoping
that the information

we were looking for was, uh,

gonna reunite the family
of an east German scientist

who'd defected to the west.

And I was willing to
bet everything I had

that you were the
guy to bring it out.

Aus was, Bitte.

Lasst sie daruch!

Los! Jetzt er gekommen!

Danke scho.

Jawohl!

Jawohl! Jawohl!

I'd like to have
seen that one myself.

Done a lot of good
things, MacGyver, but, uh,

nothing better than
bringing that family together.

Well... here's to your new life.

But I'm sure gonna miss
sharing the old one with you.

Hmm.

Attention,
everybody! Gather round!

It's cake time!

♪ happy birthday to
you, happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday,
dear MacGyver ♪

♪ happy birthday to you. ♪

You want... Big piece?

Come on, Mac, birthday boy,

how about a speech?

- Come on, come on.
- Speech, speech.

Jack, don't do this to me.

Oh, come on,
like in the old days.

I never gave speeches
in the old days.

Oh, that's right. I did.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd just like to say a
few words in honor of...

Okay, ducky, they're
all warmed up for ya.

Thanks.

Uh,

when I was a kid,

my grandfather used
to say to me that, uh,

a fella's life wasn't
worth mentioning

if he hadn't shared it with
some folks along the way.

That is what you said,
isn't it, Harry?

Yeah, only I said it shorter.

Yeah.

Well, I, I guess it's taken
this party to make me realize

that about the only thing
worth mentioning about my life

Is the fact that you've all
shared your lives with me.

And that I'd never
have known any of you

if I hadn't been doing the
kinds of things I've been doing.

And I just want you all to know

That you're all very,
very special to me.

Well, this is a birthday party.

Let them eat cake.

Pete, can I see
that letter again?

What's the matter?
You forget to sign it?

No, I, I signed it.

"Happy landings
and all the best!

Captain Jim Taylor,
16th airborne."

When Jim Taylor's
plane went down

over the central
Asian highlands,

I was sent in as a
rescue party of one.

Hanging there on the
face of a rock formation,

I started to realize
how insecure

My grip on life could be.

When you're a few
thousand feet straight up,

there's always the
chance of falling

A few thousand
feet straight down.

our information told us

that Jim was being
held in a camp

right near the
site of the crash.

We knew the longer
he stayed a prisoner,

The weaker his grip
on life was gonna be.

I wanted to just walk up to
that cage and break him out,

But the local activity
made me change my mind.

And my clothes.

Luckily I found someone
who was just my size.

God, I hate heights!

What are you doing?

Making a rocket thruster.

What are we doing?!

I'll tell ya later!

Yeah, captain Taylor
said that was about

The craziest thing
he'd ever seen.

Well, he was right. It was.

Pete, about that
letter of resignation...

Yeah?

Got any scotch tape?

Kidding.