M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 2 - Are You Now, Margaret? - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

MARGARET: The bleeding
is arrested, Doctor.

HAWKEYE:
Arrested and convicted.

Two counts of attempted
escape with intent to clot.

MULCAHY:
Anyone need fresh gloves?

B.J.: Not me. I'm waiting
for the after-Christmas sale.

CHARLES:
I could use a pair, Father.

What for? Pretend the germs
are poor and snub them off.

Ha ha, Pierce. The rapier-like
thrust of an armless D'Artagnan.

Oh, Colonel,
you have a visitor.

Tell him to come back
during visiting hours.



He's a congressional aide, sir,
all the way from Washington.

He must be
on important business.

Probably heard we were
running low on red tape.

Well, personally, I'm thrilled

to have someone come
all the way from Washington.

I'm not.
Some flunky probably trying

to rustle up votes
for his boss.

Hope he can wait
a couple of years.

Most of these kids
aren't old enough to vote.

Well, he's
waiting outside, sir.
What shall I tell him?

Would you keep him
company, padre?

I can't ask
this kid to wait.

Right now he can't hear me.

Very good, sir.



Oh, and if anyone
needs more gloves,

I'll be glad
to give you a hand.

[chuckling]

Pierce, Hunnicutt,

you two have been a rotten
influence on that man.

I'm surprised you didn't
get my letter, Colonel.

I'm not.

My regular company clerk
is on R&R.

The fella who's supposed
to be filling in for him

has his own system:

a pile for everything
and everything in its pile.

I understand, Colonel.
Believe me,

my concerns are more
important than neatness.

So are his.

Now I know you didn't come
to Korea for the opera season.

Quite true. You see,
Congressman Daniel Lurie--

Are you familiar with him?

I can't, uh, say that I am.

I don't get to read
a lot of papers here.

The newsboy keeps throwing 'em
in the minefield.

The congressman is very
interested in the war effort.

He's concerned that
everything goes smoothly.

He's intent on getting
our boys the proper support.

And he's up for reelection.

Sir, I think you'll find
that this is more

than just political
grandstanding.

[chuckles]

That's what all you
cloakroom boys say.

Colonel, this is important.

I want to talk to your people,

study the inner workings
of this unit.

Well, do what you have to do.

Just don't get in our way
when we're working.

Your people won't
even know I'm here.

Fine. And another thing.

Don't expect this to be
a spit-and-polish outfit.

We're a little
disorderly here.

But we get things done.

Thank you, Colonel.

"Colonel Says Hello
to Visiting Fellow."

Klinger, what the devil
are you doing?

Sir, it's for the "Stars
and Stripes" photo contest.

First prize is $500,
two weeks in Tokyo,

and a date with
Marilyn Maxwell.

I got a dress that's
perfect for her.

Williamson, meet my very
temporary company clerk.

Klinger, did I get a letter
from Mr. Williamson?

-Oh, uh, yes, sir, Colonel.
-I don't remember seeing it.

When it came, sir,
you were out.

So I put it in the "Out" box.

-Course, now that you're in--
-Uh-huh.

Now, would you show our visitor
to the V.I.P. tent?

Immediately, sir.
I knew right away you
weren't one of us.

Your clothes fit.

As a matter of fact,
I work for a congressman.

Wait a second.

Did you say congressman,
as in Washington, D.C.,

-go to Baltimore, take a left?
-Klinger, get moving

or I'm gonna take
a picture called

"Former Corporal
with Camera Up Nose."

I can hardly believe it.

I've never been so close
to an actual congressman,

a man with his finger
on the pulse of the nation.

Well, actually,
I'm not the congressman.

I'm just his aide.

Of course,
I do have his ear.

Well, I've never been
so close to a man

who has the ear of the man

with his finger on
the pulse of the nation.

Thank you.
It is important work.

I've always felt that I'm
married to my country first

and my wife second.

How nice.
How can I help you?

The congressman has asked me
to talk to a few people,

get their impressions
about the war,

and I thought
that you would be

the ideal person
to start with.

Ha!

I'm told that you are

especially knowledgeable
about this unit.

Well, I guess you might say

I have my finger
on the pulse of the MASH.

[chuckles] So, tell me
a little about yourself.

How do you feel
about being here?

Very proud.

I mean, to be a woman
with the rank of major

stationed so close
to the Korean front.

It could only happen
in America.

What about the staff here?
Is it adequate?

The best. You won't
find a better staff
in a stateside hospital.

Oh, I know Pierce
and Hunnicutt, uh,

may be a little short
on military discipline.

Who?

Doctors
Pierce and Hunnicutt.

I haven't had
the pleasure yet.

Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Is that two T's?

Oh, uh, please. I hope
I haven't given you
the wrong impression.

They're both first-rate
surgeons.

It's just that they like
to do crazy things.

Oh, really? What do you mean?

Oh, well, they like
to show up for roll call

in their bathrobes.

They keep a still
in their tent.

They once ran all my
underwear up the flagpole.

But I want you to understand,

it's an honor
to serve with these men.

They sound very interesting.
Where would they be now?

I guess Captain Pierce
would be in post-op.

It's right
across the compound.

You can't miss it.
It's filled with
people getting better.

[both chuckling]

Over there.

Thank you, Major.
You've been most helpful.

-Glad to be of service.
-KLINGER: Hey, Washington!

From your eyes
to the congressman's ear.

-Have we met?
-Colonel Potter's office.
Remember?

But you weren't
dressed like this.

It's a man's prerogative
to change his mind.

Klinger, you're disgusting.
This man is a
congressional aide.

You're telling me?
Now, sir, obviously
a guy like me

is unfit to defend his
country,

unless we're attacked
by the House of Dior.

-So, uh, what do you think?
-Klinger, you're crazy.

Don't coach him.
Let him make his own decisions.

Sir, why don't we run
and phone your boss?

Tell him I can be packed
and out of here in two hours.

Make that three--
I'd like to dye my pumps.

Sorry, soldier,
but Section Eights

are not within
the congressman's purview.

-Now, if you'll
excuse me, Major?
-Certainly.

How do you like that?
All dolled up
and no place to go.

WILLIAMSON:
I hope you don't mind.

Don't be silly.
It's fun answering
all these questions.

Although I should warn you--
military secrets are extra.

Do you have a pen
I could borrow?

No, I'm sorry.
That's a military secret.

Oh, what the heck.
I never could keep a secret.

Well, how are we today?

-[speaking Chinese]
-What is he saying?

Either he's thanking me
for saving his life
or his shorts are too tight.

-Is that Chinese he's speaking?
-That's right.

Do you always treat
enemy soldiers?

Of course not.
Only if they're sick.

Okay, see you later.
Remember, no bowling
for a week.

[speaking Chinese]

Any instructions, Doctor?

Yeah. Meet me in X-ray in an
hour and wear something filmy.

Now, that is a very
attractive woman.

Oh, sure, she looks great
in a uniform.

But take it off
and she's wearing nothing.

Um, Captain, I'd like to
ask you a few more questions.
May I?

Yeah, sure.
I was just on my way
to my tent. Come on.

You've had your shots,
haven't you?

Well, here's the place.

-Nice.
-We're very proud of it.

It's just been condemned
by the Board of Swine.

Which brings us to my roommate--
B.J. Hunnicutt.

B.J. Hunnicutt,
R. Theodore Williamson.

-R, B.J. B.J., R.
-Hi, R.

Now we're on
a first-letter basis.

You guys sure are fast
with the repartee.

Mr. Williamson
is from Congress.

The home office
of the war?

Oh, then you'll be happy
to know wounds are up 25%.

Hey, I think I know what that
sense of humor is covering up.

-Oh, really? What?
-Let's be serious.

Is there anything that we
on Capitol Hill can do
to improve things for you?

Yeah, now that you mention it,
we could use a good
dermatologist.

Do you realize we're
sending soldiers to
the front with pimples?

[chuckles]
Now, I'm not gonna be
able to help you guys

if you keep on
cracking jokes.

I know the equipment here
is first-rate.

We made sure of that.

But what about the personnel?

Is everyone as dedicated
as you are?

Ah, what do we care?

Come on, every unit has
its deadbeats,

its malcontents.

Malcontents? Here?

This close to Ouijongbu,
the Hoboken of the Orient?

Okay, okay,
I know it's no picnic.

But let's get back
to the people.

What about the fellow
you share this tent with?
Winchester?

Ah, R. Theodore,
there is a true man among men.

Absolutely. But more than
a man, he's a prince.

-Tell me about him.
-He used to be a frog.

Mere words cannot
describe Charles.

Charles must be experienced.

It was the final chukker.

Suddenly, the ball lay frozen
on the turf.

It was now or never.
I spurred my horse.

"On, Pegasus!" I cried.

[imitating hoofbeats]

I feinted one way,
but I drove the other,
stroked the ball home

to put Amherst in its place
once and for all.

That's fascinating, Major.

But I'm really more interested
in your life after Boston.

Mr. Williamson,
there is no life after Boston.

-"Still Life on a Shingle."
-Klinger, get out of my way.

Oh, how about a quick one
of you, Major?

-"Head Nurse Stokes
Up for Heavy Duty."
-Klinger, I'm warning you.

Even better, "Tempers Flare
as Dinner Approaches."

You want a picture?
Get a close-up of this.

Do you want gravy on that?

There's enough double-talk
at that table for four
conversations.

Williamson's finding out the
most interesting thing about
Charles is he's boring.

You know, it's not my nature
to be suspicious,

but I found some
of Mr. Williamson's
questions highly personal.

-I find his person highly
questionable.
-What did he ask you, Father?

Well, he kept prodding me
about the people here.

Was I aware of anyone
not performing well,

not pulling his weight,
any malingerers.

What's wrong with that?
He's just trying

to see that we're
not wasting any money.

I bet that's it.

He's looking for places
to cut the budget.

Truman's decided that
half a buck stops here.

Oh, terrific.
A MASH unit

is the perfect place
for a budget cut.

Now you don't know that
that's what he's here for.

Why else is he asking
all these questions about us?

Maybe everything's going
so well here they've decided
to open a branch war.

Why don't you ask him?

The direct approach.
What a sneaky trick.

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Father.
We'll do it.

Well, if it isn't
the Hardy Bores.

Excuse us, Williamson,
but we're on a simple
fact-finding mission.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Why, I'm visiting
throughout the unit,

getting to know
you people.

You didn't come all this way
just to be folksy.

What are you doing in Korea?

We're very concerned
about how you boys
are doing over here.

Oh, no, Williamson,
it goes much deeper
than that, doesn't it?

Maybe deep enough to cut
a few of our key personnel?

Gentlemen...

I think we should finish
this discussion

in the presence
of your commanding officer.

Well, if it isn't
budget cuts,

what in Sam Hill
are you here for?

Gentlemen, in my work
for Congressman Lurie,

I have unearthed some news
that will come to you
as a severe shock.

The real enemy we are fighting
is within America itself.

Oh, wait a second.
Suddenly, it all makes sense.

We're in the wrong country.

It's not North and South Korea
who should be fighting.

It's North and South Dakota.

We could be going home
weekends.

Will you two
put a lock on it?

I think this boy's
got something serious
stuck in his craw.

Right, Colonel,
this is quite serious.

Congressman Lurie has obtained
incontrovertible evidence

that this MASH unit
is harboring
a Communist sympathizer.

One of my people a Commie?

Who are you talking about?

Major Margaret Houlihan.

-Margaret Houlihan?
You got to be out of your mind.
-Are you crazy?

How could you
say such a thing?

I've always done my best
to be a model American!

I'm a commissioned officer
in the United States Army!

For your information,
the Communists have infiltrated

our country
at the highest levels.

We've found them
in the State Department.

We've found them
in the Justice Department--

At Woolworth's,
you'll find them in
the Notions Department.

Now, Major...

I wonder if you
recall the name

of another model American--

one Walter Philip Crichton?

You mean Wally Crichton?

Our investigations show

that you and he were
quite... close.

We dated.
But that was ages ago.

He was in college,
and I was a student nurse.

Wasn't it more than that?

Were you not constant companions
for two years?

Did you not accompany him
to dances, parties... motels?

I resent that implication!

We never went to a motel.
Wally had a Nash.

Look, sonny,
what's the big deal
about an old fling?

For your information,
Walter Philip Crichton

has been named as a subversive
by the House Committee.

Wally Crichton?

What could he have done
that's subversive?

Walter Philip Crichton
was a founding member

of an organization
called "Freedom for Tomorrow."

Freedom? Disgusting.

Next thing you know,
they'll be threatening us

with liberty
and justice for all.

This woman had a long-term,
intimate relationship with
a known Communist.

Had the same friends,
shared the same interests.

There you have it--
ironclad innuendo.

Where there is smoke,
there is fire.

Yeah.
Just ask Joan of Arc.

Williamson, your whole case
is a busload of bushwa.

You're talking about
the finest nurse
I've ever scrubbed with.

And you haven't said
diddly-squat about
anything she's done

to undermine this MASH.

I haven't done anything.

Yes, I dated Wally.

He was funny.

He was a kind, gentle,
decent boy.

There was nothing
subversive about it.

Then, it's really
a simple matter.

All you have to do
is tell me

who some of Mr. Crichton's
other friends were.

-What do you mean?
-Simple.

I want the names of people
he associated with.

Where they went,
what they did.

That was a long time ago.

There were so many friends.
Some were Wally's,
some were mine.

I-I can't remember names.

What makes her personal life
your business anyway,
Williamson?

Colonel, if the major
really has nothing to hide,

a few simple questions aren't
going to do her any harm.

Major, would you
characterize yourself
as a patriotic American?

Absolutely.

And you consider Communism

the principle threat
to our way of life?

-Yes, I do, but--
-And if someone known to you

supported the Communist cause,

would you not,
as a patriotic American

want to bring that person
to the attention of
the authorities?

Yes, of course,
but these people--

Now, we needn't discuss
this here.

Take your time.
Think about it.

What if she can't
remember any names?

The major is an intelligent,
well-motivated woman.

She'll remember.

Okay, let's say
she can remember.

What if she just doesn't
want to tell you?

Well, if she chooses
not to cooperate,

I would have no choice
but to subpoena her

to testify
before the committee.

Testify before the committee?

You've read
about the committee.

They make it very simple
for you.

You can either hang yourself
or your friends.

Or both.

Whatever you do,
just showing up can
cost you your career.

Mm, please.

Wait a minute.
Let me think.

Don't tell this
snake anything.

Bad advice.
By her silence,

she would be implicating
herself in the Red Menace.

Don't tell us about
the Red Menace.

We're up to our ankles in it.

It comes out of those kids
you keep sending us.

I'm a reasonable man.

I'll be here for
two more days.

That should give the major
ample opportunity

to jog her memory...

which shouldn't be
too difficult...

for a model American.

Uh, excuse me, miss.
Do youse come here often?

You sure you two
want to be seen with me?

Are you kidding?
You think I want to be
seen with him?

He eats with his fingers.

I can't let them eat alone.

You know, I've been
thinking about those people

Williamson wants me to name.

-I'll bet you have.
-They were all such fun.

George Pfister,
president of his fraternity.

He was pinned to four girls
at the same time.

Must have been murder going
through the revolving doors.

Emily Kingsley,
majored in chemistry.

Collected Russ Columbo records.

Buddy Gurlack.

He was the school
chugalug champ.

An obvious threat
to national security.

Margaret, I think
it's your duty

to make the world safe
from campus cutups.

Those people meant
an awful lot to me.

How could I put them
through a thing like this?

Hey, you can
fight this guy.

We'll help you
get a good lawyer.

I can't do that.

All I can do is resign
my commission.

Fighting would just make
that worse.

Are you crazy?
Williamson's case has
more holes in it

-than I have in
my combat boots.
-And it doesn't smell as good.

It's not me.

It's my father.

He was so proud of me
when I made major.

If I go before
that committee,
win or lose,

I'll be publicly humiliated.

Maybe I could live with that,

but I could never live
with what that would do
to my father.

Margaret, you can't
just cave in like this.

I have no choice.

Excuse me.
I've lost my appetite.

[coughs]

What kind of gin do you use?

The less you know,
the better.

-Three scotches.
-Two scotches, one cognac.

Two scotches, one cognac.

-You men seem subdued.
-Huh?

What happened to the jokes?

I guess nothing's
funny anymore.

You know, this hasn't been
very pleasant for me either.

I've had to accept
that what I'm doing
can be very unpopular.

If you're looking for sympathy,
you're with the wrong crowd.

I understand how you feel.

You regard Major Houlihan
as a friend.

But in this committee's
fight against treason,

we have learned that
even friends must be suspect.

Sir, I am so conservative
that I make you look
like a New Dealer,

and I must tell you that
to suspect Margaret Houlihan

of political subversion
is absurd.

To suspect Margaret Houlihan
of political anything is absurd.

You're wasting your time, guys.

Look, Williamson, Margaret
didn't date a subversive.

She dated Wally. A guy.

She also dated half
the generals in the Pacific.

Does that make her
a West Pointer?

Do you expect me to believe

that she knew nothing
about Crichton's politics?

Be assured, Williamson...

Margaret's interest in a man
is kindled by passion,

not by politics.

If Hot Lips dated Joe Stalin,

the only thing
she'd remember about him
is that his mustache tickled.

-Hot Lips?
-Yeah, that's a nickname
she picked up.

-Don't you have that in
your dossier under aliases?
-No.

There's a lot you don't
know about Margaret.

Why don't you
leave her alone

and let her do the things
she likes to do,

like nursing
and having a good time.

-Having a good time?
-Having a great time.

-[chuckles]
-All very interesting,
gentlemen.

But promiscuity is hardly
what I would call a defense.

[knocking]

Mr. Williamson.

Major, I-- I hope
I'm not disturbing you.

No, it's--

Please excuse
the way I'm dressed.
I was just going to bed.

This won't take long.
I promise.

What is it?

You have some rather
staunch friends.

They've been defending
you most avidly.

I thought perhaps we should
discuss your case again.

-May I come in?
-Well, I suppose so.

I haven't sent any papers
to Washington... yet.

Well, you might just as well.
It's all true.

I dated Wally Crichton.
I enjoyed it.

Is that a crime?

Major, I know
how you must feel.

Angry, confused, alone.

But there are ways
to work these things out.

What ways?

You could get help
from someone

who is experienced
in these matters.

Someone with the right
contacts in Washington.

Who?

Someone who has
a congressman's ear.

You? Would help me?

If only I-- I was sure that
you are the sort of person
that everyone says you are.

I am.
I'm just like they say.

But I know
so little about you.

I-I need to learn more
than I could

from some cold,
impersonal document.

Well, tell me what I can do.

We need to be closer,
Margaret.

Much closer.

-Closer?
-Right.

"V.I.P. Makes Major Mistake."

-What was that?
-It's 10:00.

Did someone flash?

Uh! Uh, uh...

There is someone
in that wall locker.

-There is?
-Oh, my. You must--

You're right,
they're everywhere.

Klinger, is there
someone in here?

No, I've been in here
20 minutes,

and I haven't seen anybody.

What is he doing
with that camera?

He appears
to be rewinding.

What, pray tell,
were you doing?

You want to grab her
one more time?

I think
I got your bad side.

What the hell is going on here?

We thought
your wife might appreciate

some photos of
your fact-finding tour.

Suitable for hanging.

Oh-- You wouldn't stoop
to blackmail.

What about you,
you lecherous hypocrite?

You're so sure
I'm a Communist,

but for a little tumble,
you'd let me off the hook?

Don't be absurd.
I would never have
let you off the hook.

You mean you were gonna--
and then you--

You creep!

Get out of here!

Wait a minute.

It's three poses
for a quarter.

You've still got
two to go.

We could take one
of each face.

Enjoy your jokes, people.

But you have been duped
by a Communist sympathizer.

What a coincidence.
So have you.

[all laughing]

I just got
the Stars and Stripes
with the photo contest in it.

The big winner was
a cheesecake shot

of a WAC called
"The Best Body in Seoul."

Obviously good taste
was not a prerequisite.

Must be very brave though.

She's wearing two
Distinguished Service Crosses.

Yeah, and isn't that other one
the Fantastic Conduct Medal?

Revolting.

How'd yours do, Klinger?

Never sent 'em in, sir.

I lost them somewhere between

my "In" box
and my "Out" box.

But I got some
good news, though.
Here, read this.

"Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill.

-"Congressman Daniel Lurie--
-Huh?

"Caught in Washington
love nest with aide's wife.

-Ha!
-"'My husband drove me
to it,' sobbed a tearful"--

ALL:
"L. Shirley Williamson."

-[all laughing]
-Listen-- Listen to this.

"I needed more
than a man who's married

to his work first
and me second."

Well, that seems fair.

He had the
congressman's ear,

and she got
everything else.

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