M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 3 - Guerilla My Dreams - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[sighs]

Ah.

-Major?
-Klinger, go away.

I've tried that.
They keep bringing me back.

-Where's Tonto?
-Klinger.

Where'd you get
the eyeshades?

Firing squad surplus.

Perhaps you'd like
to borrow them



when I have you shot.

Shoot the hand
that feeds you booze?

You didn't.

You did!
[laughing]

Napoleon brandy.

That's what you paid for.
That's what you got.

Ah! Napoleon,

had you given more of this
to Josephine,

she might have stayed home
nights. [laughing]

Here. I have--

I have protected this
from the domestic swill.

-It would have...
-[ting]

...bruised the crystal.

Ha. Profound apologies
for ever doubting



that you would actually
procure this nectar.

-Where'd you get it?
-Don't ask.

[chortling]

Klinger, I've
underestimated you.

You may be a boob,

but you have the cunning
of a mongoose.

Thank you, I think.

Go ahead. Have a snort.

One does not snort cognac,
Klinger.

One entices cognac.

First, one warms it.

Then one lures the scent
to the waiting nostrils.

One urges it
to insinuate its fumes

through the joyous
olfactory passages.

I get the feeling we're not
talkin' boilermakers here.

Klinger, at this moment,

I envy you your nose.

Oh, yeah?
In that case, uh,

can I have some?

Klinger, when one receives
a new divan,

one does not invite
the delivery boy

to repose upon it.
[chuckles]

Suffice it to way
that you have earned
my eternal gratitude,

and admiration.

B.J.:
As you were, men.

Hey, is that
real brandy, Charles?

Napoleon brandy.

Can I have some? I'm
a little short right now.

None for me, Charles.
It offends my palate,

not to mention
my "copalate."

Besides, what's brandy
without cherry syrup?

Rave on, witless drones.

Nothing can mitigate
the rapture of this moment.

Sounds good, Beej.
Get out the
Howdy Doody glasses.

Don't bother.

Not so much as a dram
for either of you.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.

Come early
and get a good table.

Not now. Not now.

The ravages of war,
Winchester.

Keep a stiff upper nose,
Chuck.

Pre-op, stat.

-[chattering]
-Shrapnel.

Her vital signs are stable,
but she's terrified.

-M.S., a quarter.
-Yeah, yeah. Good. Okay.

As soon as that takes
effect, we'll operate.

Look at this. A civilian.

The war's still a big
hit in the suburbs.

Put him down right here.

-[speaking Korean]
-Okay, okay, okay.

-NURSE: Get two units of blood!
-MAN: Two whole units!

She will live, yes?

She's taken some shell
fragments.

There's a lot of that
going around.

I think she'll be all right.

I'm Lieutenant Hung Lee Park,

and this woman is my prisoner.

We've got
something in common.

I'm Benjamin
Franklin Pierce,

and this woman is my patient.

She's an enemy guerrilla.

Good. I'll frisk her
for bananas.

Do not be fooled by her
civilian clothing, Captain.

She's a member of
the Communist underground

and as dedicated to killing
as any uniformed soldier.

She could be Lizzie Borden
for all I care.

My job is to make sure
she stays alive.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got a lot of other
dangerous victims to look at.

All right, we can move
him now. Corpsman!

Margaret Houlihan, as I
live and breathe heavily.

Is that so? Scully!

Finally figured out a way
to get back to see you.

-Stepped in front of
a speeding bullet.
-Pierce.

-Hey, that's-that's, uh--
-Scully. Scully.

-Yeah, yeah.
-What do you say, Doc?

Well, the bleeding's stopped.

Luckily you have
a self-sealing belly button.

You were in a lot worse shape

the first time we met
over at Rosie's.

Yeah. That's a night
I'll never remember.

I do. We were under
adjoining tables.

Could we talk about parties
later and get him into surgery?

Surgery--
that's where they go.

I keep sending them
to the laundry.

Hunnicutt!

Hey, Margaret, relax.
He's gonna be all right.

-Hey. Scully.
-B.J.

Told you that rotgut would
put a hole in your stomach.

You know, you're right.

From now on,
I'm payin' the extra nickel
for the good stuff.

He's in agony.
He just won't admit it.

I don't know what's
in your belly, pal,
but we'll dig into it.

You'd better take him, Beej.
I'm gonna work on that woman
over there.

Hey, hey! Wait a second!
Wait a minute!

This isn't a cafeteria.

You don't just help
yourself to a patient.

-If you want something
to go, take these guys.
-Call them off.

[speaking Korean]

I need a couple
of corpsmen over here.

Find somebody else to dance
with. Her card is filled.

You're very pushy.
You'd have a great
career gate-crashing.

I have the authority
to question this woman.

-All right. What's your hurry?
-[exclaims in Korean]

[speaking Korean]

Lady, you took the words
right out of my mouth.

Pre-op,
and don't stop for lights.

-Come on.
-NURSE: I need some blood.

[O.R. chatter]

Bingo. That Scully's
a real veteran.

He even trained
his spleen to duck.

Have a look, Margaret?

I'll take your word for it.

Afraid you'll discover
some hidden flaw?

Go ahead, Margaret, peek.
I'm sure he'd look at yours.

-Thank you, no.
-You won't be
disappointed, Margaret.

He's got an adorable liver.

And his onions
aren't bad, either.

I must say, that-- that man
out there seems very menacing.

Padre, when you're
totin' a gun

and a couple
of hand grenades,

it's a little hard
to look lovable.

Will you look at this?

There's less iron
in Pittsburgh.

Why is that lieutenant in such
a hurry to question her anyway?

Is he afraid she'll rust?

You'll feel a twinge
now and then,

but that's to be expected.

-Yeah. I'm feelin' one now.
-Oh.

[moaning] My wound's
bothering me a little too.

-Welcome back, Scully.
-Thanks, Margaret.

It's good to see you again.

-I'll come back after
I finish my rounds.
-Okay.

Hi, there. Anybody here
from out of town?

[speaking Korean]

Ah, a lady from New Jersey.

[continues in Korean]

Wonderful. For being
such a good sport,

you've won yourself
an all-expense-paid week

here in the recovery room
of the Hotel MASH.

[speaking Korean]

Well, if it isn't
the Good Humor man.

Uh, Lieutenant, I'm not
much on military jargon,

but, from one army officer
to another-- am-scray.

She's awake. I wish to ask
but a few simple questions.

-Where is the harm?
-Oh, I'm sorry.

The public nuisance hour
has just ended.

Why don't you come back
in about six months?

Doctor, you seem to have
a rather strange sense
of right and wrong.

I will tell you once more.

This woman is
an enemy guerrilla.

-[shouting in Korean]
-Oh. Shh, shh, shh! Quiet.

-Will you get
the hell outta here!
-Very well.

I have sentries posted outside
to prevent her escape.

All right,
I'll see your sentries
and raise you a nurse.

Major, if Lieutenant Park
or any of his Parkettes

set one hobnailed toe inside
that door, just call me.

Yes, Doctor.

Shh. It's okay.

[sighs] That guy Park
is one tough cookie.

You know him?

A little.
It's a small war.

Can you believe that guy?

I've never tried
that hard to get a girl.

-Doesn't he think
she's a guerrilla?
-I don't care what he thinks.

All I want to do
is heal her wounds.

You might be wasting
your time, Hawkeye.

Whether she's a guerrilla
or not, from what I hear,

if he gets hold of her,

he won't let up till he's
got what he wants.

-You mean torture?
-Well, he starts with torture.

Then to take your mind
off the pain, he kills you.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Not this time.
Not with my patient.

Guerrilla or no,
that lady has some of my
best knitting in her

and I'm not gonna
let Park unravel it.

You boys may be in
over your heads here.

Has it occurred to you that
this lady could very well be

what Park says she is?

Sure. So do we turn her over
to some guy who just wants to
kill her?

What the hell are we doing,
nursing her back to death?

Well, look who's
run out of patience
and wants one of mine.

Sorry,
you'll just have to wait

'til we get the woman
back on her feet before
you break her legs.

Pierce.

No matter what you may
think of me, Captain,

I have no reason
to lie to you.

That woman is our enemy,
and she is dangerous.

She's dangerous?

Right now,
she doesn't have the strength

to stick her tongue out
at somebody.

Colonel, as commanding
officer here,

you know I cannot be denied

my right
to question that woman.

Nobody's denying you
anything, Lieutenant.

You're just jumping
the gun a bit.

We want to give the lady
a chance to recover.
That's all.

You're a doctor.

Your concern
for an individual life

is admirable
but impractical.

War, gentlemen,
is like chess.

Loss of a single pawn
is insignificant.

All that matters
is winning the game.

Yeah, but in chess,
you just capture a pawn.

You don't take it into a room
and beat a confession out of it.

Uh, your chess analogy is
most interesting, Lieutenant.

-Do you play?
-Not often enough, Major.

Worthy opponents
are scarce here.

[laughs] Indeed.

I fancy myself
an accomplished player.

I think you might
find me capable of
testing your mettle.

-Perhaps we might have a game.
-I don't believe this.

Winchester, you're
actually gonna play
games with this guy?

Don't be gauche,
Hunnicutt.

The man is a professional
soldier. He's doing his job.

A game of chess
might be a distraction

from the folly in which
we are all engaged.

-Lieutenant.
-I shall be pleased
to play, Major.

My stay is indefinite.

-HAWKEYE: Colonel, come on.
-Okay, okay.

Klinger, get
on the horn to G2.

Talk to Major, uh,
what's-his-name,

the loud, fat one with hair
growing out his ears.

See what you can find out
about the procedure

for evacuating nonmilitary
indigenous personnel

to another U.S. hospital.

Okay, boys.
That's the best I can do.

-Radar, it's me, Klinger.
-Of course it's you.

Who else would be this good at
lousing up a person's R&R?

Hey, you're lucky
I found you at all.

The hotel desk clerk
didn't want to tell me
where you were.

That's because I told 'em
not to refer any calls
that weren't life or death.

It is! If you don't
help me out of this,
Potter will kill me.

That probably wouldn't
stop you from calling.

Hey, I'm trying to
have fun here.

Yeah, the lady who
answered the phone

said "Suzy's Pink Pagoda."

Nothin' like that back in
Ottumwa, huh, kid?

Yeah, well, uh,
come on, Klinger.
What do you want?

I got a lot of
unwinding to do.

Radar,
it's getting worse here.

You've only been gone a week
and I'm already a month behind,

and the Colonel just told me to
call G2 and talk to some major.

I'm ready for you now.

Uh, yeah.
Uh, let's make it in
the Red Room tonight.

That was Suzy, Klinger.

She's wearing
a slinky blue dress,

just like the one you wear
to roll call.

Forget about Suzy!
What about this major?

-Uh, yeah, what's his name?
-That's why I'm calling you.

The Colonel couldn't
remember his name,

just said some loud,
fat guy with the hair
growing out of his ears.

Oh, that's Roshalski.

Unless his hair is red,
then it's Pernell.

Great. That narrows it down
to two.

Uh, gotta go.
Suzy's waiting.

Listen,
don't screw up my files.

Uh, no thanks,
I don't need a menu tonight.

I'll just have
the fish again.

You think they could,
uh, cook it this time?

Psst! Hey, nurse.
Come over here. I need you.

What is it?
Are you in pain?

No. I feel great.
That's why I need you.

What are you doing?
Stop.

I'm makin' a tent.
You wanna come in?

Scully. I'm on duty.

Okay. What time
do you get off?

I'll pick you up in my cot,
and we'll go for a spin.

You just relax now. You've
gotta save your strength.

I've been savin' it all day.
I'd like to spend a little.

Scully.

Look, I know you're on duty.

You're an angel of mercy,
right?

Okay, angel,
show me some mercy.

Scully, I have a ward
full of casualties.

Let 'em get their own dates.

S-Scully--
What are you doing?

MARGARET:
May I have my hand back, please?
I'm gonna pull rank on you.

[Scully, Margaret
continue indistinct]

-[grunts]
-[bottle crashes]

Oh, my God.
Corpsman! Corpsman!

Now, Major,
don't get in a tizzy.

Nobody's blaming you.

I let myself be distracted
for only a moment

and the next thing I knew--
there she was on the floor.

The only question is
why the hell was she
out of bed anyway?

Probably delirious,
looking for help.

It's more likely
she was trying to leave

before she had to talk
to Lieutenant
"Truth or Consequences."

Look. We have to get
that woman out of here.

Just knowing Park is here
is driving her nuts.

G2 is as stubborn as a mule
on this, Hunnicutt.

They say any
interference from us

will be a breach
of army protocol.

-Protocol?
-Come on.

It's a matter of courtesy
to the Korean military.

Courtesy?
Oh, pardonnez-moi.

How could we be
so rude to somebody

nice enough to invite us
to their war?

Emily Post will
never forgive us.

Shoot from the left.
Stab from the right.

How to ravage a countryside
with taste and style.

Always stand when a grenade
enters the room.

Our hands are tied, boys.

-G2 has made a decision.
-What does G2 know?

-There's gotta
be somebody else.
-The provo marshal.

-I talked to him.
-The chief of that special
security section--

-Bart what's-his-name.
-Wilson.

He was with the provo marshal
when I called.

MacArthur,
Dorothy Kilgallen,
Walter Winchell--

there's gotta be somebody.

Nobody. There's
nothing else we can do.

As soon as she's well enough,

we have to turn her over
to Lieutenant Park.

Now you'll just have
to live with that.

I can live with it.
I don't think she can.

Put your little foot
right out.

Shake it all about.

And that's how you do
the Varsity Drag.

-[shouts in Korean]
-Look at that.

She walks better than we do
comin' home from Rosie's.

Of course, but she was only
shot. We're usually bombed.

Uh, I'd recommend
a U-turn there.

You don't want to go out there.
That's an inhospitable zone.

Uh, look at that?

Terrific.
Now that's walking.

Don't let it get around.

A speedy recovery could be
bad for her health.

[chuckling]

[wind blowing]

Well.

No wonder he's
winning, Charles.

He's got more pieces
than you.

Stick to a game that you
can play, Hunnicutt,

like tetherball.

Doc, how is our patient?

Oh, not well at all.

These things take time,
you know.

Besides, what's your hurry?

You haven't finished
torturing Winchester yet.

Hunnicutt. Please?

[chuckles]

Check, I believe.

Very good, Major.

Of course, the point
of the game is checkmate.

[stammers, chuckles]

You move so quickly.

You really should explore
all the possibilities

before you...

take my piece.

[chuckles]

One dead horsie.

Waiter!

Tea. Where is he?

Oh. I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Something for you?

[chair creaking]

[creaking continues]

[sighs]

-[chuckles] Sorry.
-[creaking]

-[tapping]
-♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

-[tapping continues]
-♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪♪ [percussive grunts]

-[loud slam]
-♪ Boom-doo--

-Sorry.
-Major.

I must say, you play with
a most aggressive style.

Oh. [chuckling]
Thank you.

Oh, you mean my variations
on the Ruy Lopez opening?

No, although
that was intriguing.

I was referring to
the Winchester Gambit.

-Oh?
-Drumming fingers,

bellowing for tea,
squeaking chair,

-the idle humming.
-Berlioz.

Oh. Of course.
I should have guessed.

And all curiously
effective to a degree.

Oh, it's-- it's quite
unintentional, I assure you.

Do not apologize.
It is part of the game.

And it could hardly
interfere

with my executing moves
such as... this.

-Jus--
-I have your queen.

[chuckling]

You fell for the bait.
[chuckles]

Unless, of course,
you'd like to reconsider?

[wind blowing]

Hi, guys. It's okay.

This coat was shot
years ago.

So? Cold enough for ya?

Yes. For me, it is.

It is cold enough for you?

It is stupid question.

Hey, I don't mind
if he's a little surly.

Many's the night
I've walked this post.

And where
are the officers?

Inside where it's
nice and warm,

with the broads
and the booze

while us enlisted slobs

freeze our tails off
pulling guard duty.

Don't matter
what army you're in.

It ain't easy
being a dogface.

-Dogface?
-Yeah. Dogface.

He make sense to you?

Yeah. He's unhappy

because he has
the face of a dog.

And the nose of a duck.

Pride of the U.S. Army.

Even gave it
its own serial number.

Here. Maybe this
will keep you warm.

-No drink. Lieutenant Park say.
-Really?

Whenever
we get guard duty,

they give us a bottle
to keep warm.

I got this from
a wonderful major.

It's Napoleon brandy.

Gentlemen, let us
be cultured about this.

We'll get just as loaded.

Come here.

Quick. Open it.

Here. Fill this up.

Then we gotta get it warm,

or we'll miss the embrace
of its vaporous pleasures.

Good for the "old factory."

See that? Huh?

Hey? Ha ha ha ha.

KLINGER: Hey, there's more
to you guys than meets the eye.

-GUARDS: Ah!
-[Klinger chuckling]

[doors squeak]

[engine starts]

[shouting in Korean]

Just a moment.
Lieutenant? Lieutenant?

Out of my way, Captain!

-[shouting continues]
-[brakes squeal]

Wait a minute!
Wait a second! Hold on!

Wait! Just-Just wait!
Wait!

There will be no more
waiting, Captain.

You have demonstrated
quite clearly

that this woman
is ready to travel.

Yeah, but in an ambulance,
not in a hearse.

You have also demonstrated
with equal clarity

that you can no
longer be trusted.

She is now my prisoner.
[shouts in Korean]

Pierce? Hunnicutt?
What's going on here?

Your doctors attempted
to sneak my prisoner
out of here.

Fortunately, I stopped them.
[speaking in Korean]

Are we just gonna
let them take her?

Hunnicutt, there's nothing
I can do about it.

You're ripping
her stitches!

[shouting in Korean]

She says you're a fool,
and she curses you.

Oh, she does, huh?

I'm not lying, Captain.
Look at her face.

[speaking Korean]

She says, "You save
lives of those

who kill my people
and rape my land."

[speaking Korean]

"I would kill you
as I tried

to kill my enemy
in your hospital."

[Woman continues in Korean]

"As I would kill
this murderer,

I would gladly die if I
could kill but one of you."

Now, if you have
heard enough, Captain.

You can't wait to get at her,
can you? Can you!

You have already taken
enough of my time, Captain.

Can you not see
that this woman's life

is more important to you
than it is to her?

-I will go now.
-You don't wanna be
late for your killing.

You have done your job.
Now I will do mine.

You son of a bitch!

[guns cocking]

[engine starts]

So long, Jack.
Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry we didn't get
to spend more time together.

I understand perfectly.

You're probably seeing
another casualty on the side.

-[laughing]
-Margaret.

-[yelps]
-You want us to see if we can
get you a stretcher for two?

Pierce, you ought to
wash your mind out with soap.

-Good-bye, Margaret.
-Bye, Scully.

It was wonderful
seeing you again.

Wonderful? It was great.

Oh, yes. Mmm.

-And thanks, guys.
-Glad to do it.

-[door slams]
-Hurry back. Next time,
leave out the bullets.

You doctors did
a terrific job on him.

All part of the service,
Margaret.

Yeah. All we did was make sure
he was ready for action.

Just too bad he had to leave
before he saw any.

-Oh!
-What?

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]