M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 13 - An Eye for a Tooth - full transcript
Winchester encourages Hawkeye, B.J. and Margaret to raise the stakes in their practical joke battle, and Father Mulcahy is desperate to receive a promotion.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel.
Heartfelt thanks to everyone
who made a rousing success
of last night's party...
celebrating
the first anniversary
of the Officers Club.
Volunteers are now needed to help rebuild it.
There's only one thing
worse than death.
Life.
What were you boys chastisingyourselves with last night?
-Potato daiquiris.-I think we left the eyes in.
MARGARET:Good morning, everyone!
Ah! Cheerful personat 4 O'Clock. Take cover.
-Good morning.-Margaret, stop smiling.
The corners of your mouth aremeeting in back of your neck.
Gentlemen, today is a day
that will live triumphantly
in the heartsof freed women everywhere!
-Bravo! Bravo!
-[pounding table]
Will you quit?
Now, what are you
chattering about?
My attorney has forcedDonald Penobscott,
a.k.a. my two-timing,cheapskate ex,
to release my halfof our joint savings account.
-I'm glad for you.
-Very good.
Thank you, thank you.
I deserve every word.
That's wonderful news,
Margaret.
Now can you loan mesome money for my funeral?
Oh, cheer up.
[blathering]
Don't. Get away from me.
Father, you asked me
to tell you
when the promotion
list came in.
Oh, yes.I was hoping that this timeI might get my--
They passed you over
again, Padre.
Oh. Oh, they did.
Well, I wasn't reallyexpecting anything.
Still, it would havebeen nice.
I'm sorry, Father.
Maybe next time.
You know what the trouble is,Father?
This is a war, and you'rein the peace business.
If I didn't feel
so darn good for me,
I'd feel really lousy for you.
-Sugar, sourpuss?-Yeah, all right. Yeah.
You know--
You know what, Father?
Other cheek
and all that aside,
I think you ought to find outwhy they passed you over again.
Yeah! And get tough with them.There must be a Biblicalprecedent.
Yes.Well, when Samson got angry,
he slew the Philistineswith the jawbone of an ass.
But that's reallynot my style.
Oh!
Feel better?Maybe a little more sugar.
Oh, you wanna
play, huh?
[laughing]
-Oh, yeah?
-[screams]
Margaret, give me a break.You're supposed to be mad.
I am mad. I am.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel. Incoming wounded.
Choppers, jeeps
and ambulances.
A regular convention.
Well, let's get into
our funny white suits.
MARGARET:
What's he doing?
He's not gonna make it
to the pad!
-I hope he makes it
to the ground.
-I'm afraid he is.
Hey, watch it!
-Some landing.
-Get those ambulances.
Margaret and I will
take care of this.
All right.
Some of you come with me.
-You okay in there?-Do I look like I'm in trouble?
Nice of you to drop in.
-Take it easy. Take it easy.-[pilot speaking Korean]
The guy woke up and triedto take a walk in midair.
If I hadn't brought him downquick, his first step wouldhave been his last.
Head wound.Get him into pre-op, stat.
Best flying I've ever seen.
-It'll do.
-I'll get the guy
on the other side.
I'll have you outta therein a second, fella.
-What is this?-That's my dummy, Little Mac.
Named him after MacArthur.
-It's a shamethey can't trade jobs.-He's a counterweight.
Whenever I pick up
just one casualty,
he rides the other podand keeps us in balance.
Otherwise,he stays inside with me.
He's my good-luck charm.
Little Mac! Of course!You're Captain Toby Hill.
I read about youin "Stars and Stripes."
Over 300 causalitiesflown in out of combat.
315 as of last Monday.
But who's counting?Let's go. We've got casualties.
-Come on.
-Thank you, Captain.I'm Major Margaret Houlihan.
It isn't very often we get tosay hello to a bona fide hero.
HAWKEYE: Let's go.You can kiss his ring later.
All right, Margaret.
Let's see what we can doabout patching up this leg.
Right, Doctor.
-[chuckles]-You think this is funny?
No, no, no, no, no, no.I was just recalling youthis morning.
-You with that blob of oatmeal.-[laughs]
[chuckles]How humiliating.
I wasn't humiliated.
Oh, Margaret,whether you realize it or not,
when you are siting there witha blob of oatmeal on your face,
people are laughing at you.
You are humiliated.
-Father, hold this thing.-Got it.
Yeah.
You're pretty goodwith your hands.
When you've fingeredas many beads as I have,
they become quite nimble.
You know, I'd likethe promotion board
to see you in hereworking your butt off.
Thank you, Colonel.
I just try to be
Johnny On the Spot
and help out
and do my part.
Father, if they gave outpromotions for modesty,
you'd be a four-star chaplain.
Margaret, as a very wise manonce said,
"Love may be what makesthe world go round,
but revenge is the axleupon which it revolves."
What wise man said that?
Me.
And close.Will you bandage for me?
Oh, Hawkeye,
what do you think Margaretshould wear for lunch?
The peas?
No, something more in the lineof an off-the-shoulder stew.
-They're baiting you.
-Have any suggestions?
Let me give ita little thought.
-Hey, mail!
-Oh, let me at it.
Scented mail.I wonder who scented it.
Mine's from the Departmentof the Army. Junk mail.
Doris Weems?
-Which Doris Weems is that?-There have been so many.
-[envelope screeches]
-[screams]
-Look at this.-What did you ever do to Doris?
-You better open yours
from the end.
-Yeah.
Sounds safe.
Can't hear the ocean.
[Hawkeye laughing]
You realize this isno longer good clean fun.
This is full-scale practical
joking to the finish.
Well, Doris asked for it.
Hey, buddy. Save a littlehot water for me, huh?
Oh, yes.
Almost finished.
Listen. Have you beenaround here for a while?
Um, seems like years.
-As a matter of fact,
it has been.
-[chuckling]
-Then you know everybody here.-Intimately.
[chuckles]Even better.
You see, I got a heavy datewith a nurse tonight.The question is which one?
-I beg your pardon?
-I'm taking a couple
day's rest here,
and I don't wanna waste it,you know what I mean.
Perhaps I should
introduce myself.
I'm Father Mulcahy,
the chaplain.
Ah. Oh.
I'm sorry, Father.
I didn't realize.
It's quite all right.It's difficult to tell in here.
-Captain Hill.
-Oh.
-Toby Hill, the pilot?
-Yeah.
-Oh, you're quite a hero.-Yeah, so they tell me.
-Does that bother you?
-I don't know.
Lately, I've been gettingthe feeling that I'm notdoing my job
so much for the sakeof the men
as I am for all the glorythat goes along with it.
The promotions, the medals,the fame.
My son, you deserve the glory,
the promotions, the medals.
How many promotions?
I'm ashamed to tell you.
I'd really like to know.
Two in the last six months.
From second looeyto captain in six months?
-Yes, Father. Isn't it awful?
-Yes!
I mean, uh, no.
I mean, uh--
I have some business
to attend to.
Colonel, while it's truethat the meek shall
inherit the earth,
it is equally true thatthe Lord helps those
who help themselves.
Yes, sirree. So?
So, I feel I deserve
a promotion.
And... Lord forgive me...
I want it!
And I want you
to help me get it.
Easy, Father.You're dripping onmy signatures.
I know how you feel.If I was in your place,
I'd be red aroundthe collar too.
And if I was in your place,I'd be on that horn,
raising a royal rhubarball over "I" Corps.
-I think I'll put
a call through.
-You do that!
[sighs]
Listen to me, will you.
I'm unrecognizable.
Colonel, I understandMajor Houlihan a divorcee.
-Brand spanking new.
-Best kind.
She's also a bit gun-shy,if you catch my drift.
Not sure I do.
She's been hurt a lot.
-Let her heal.
-Got you.
-Did I get all the powder off?-You missed a little.
-No, that's just mold.-That we won't blame her for.
Fresh canned peaches, sir?
Hold the rust.
Nothing like a good vendettato build up your appetite.
Well, Margaret,
I think your postal prankhad the desired effect.
Tom Swift and his electriccohort appear to bemiffed at you.
-Charles, I forgot
about that already.
-Margaret, Margaret.
When will you ever learn?
The nectar of revengeis to be savored slowly.
That's why it's sweet.
Excuse me a moment.I'm gonna get a refill.Would you like one?
-Nothing for me. Thanks.-No? No.
Gentlemen,
I have been listening
to Major Houlihan's
incessant gloating
over her recent
mail delivery.
Now, I hold no grief
with either of you,
but as a member
of the same sex,
I am appalled-- Nay!
I'm outraged at
your meek acceptanceof this gratuitous insult.
Well, Charles,since you put it that way,what do you mean?
I mean, Captains Milquetoast
and Wet Noodle,
that I have taken the libertyof retaliating for you both.
You mad impulsive fool.What have you done?
Observe yon Lebanese flunky.
I touch my nose...
and directly on cue...
he picks up a deliciouslemon-meringue pie,
the like of which has rarelybeen seen in this hellhole,
and he presents it to
-Major Houlihan.
-Major Houlihan,
I have a pie for you.
-She questions him
as to its origin.
-What's this?
He informs her that
it was baked in honor
-of our distinguished guest,Captain Toby Hill.-Captain Hill over there.
Captain Hill gallantly
requested that it be
delivered to her
with the message
"Sweet for the sweet."
She beams at Captain Hill.
And then she waves at him.
A puzzled Captain Hill
waves back.
Now if my calculations
are correct,
the denouement is at hand.
Gentlemen, enjoy.
[whistling]
-Captain Hill, I couldjust kiss you for this.-Pardon me?
You're not only courageous,but you're gallant,
and... and... boy,
do you have shoulders.
She sure heals fast.
If you don't mind,
I'd be honored
to share this with you.
Sweets are not only
for the sweet,
they are also
for the brave.
I'm getting diabetes.
Since this is your pie,I think you should cutthe first piece.
What do you mean, "my pie"?
What do you mean,
"what do you mean"?
[laughter]
They're laughing.
But I thought--
No, they--
Easy, Margaret.It was just a little prank.
You fiends!
-Have you about finished lunch?-Let's skip dessert.
Come back here!
This just isn't my day.
♪ Oh, it ain't gonna rain no more, no more ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more ♪
♪ So how in the heck
can I wash my neck ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain no more, no more ♪
-It's neck. Wash my neck.-Huh? Okay, do it again.
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more, no more ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more ♪
Charles!
-Shh!
-Is everything ready?
Exactly as planned.
Good luck, Margaret.
Aren't you gonna watch?
Oh, I'd love to,but I'm due in post-op.
-Oh, Charles?
-Hmm?
Thanks. You've been
a big help.
-Well, let's keep that ourlittle secret, shall we?-Oh, sure.
B.J.: You always come in early.Row, row, row your boat.
-Row, row, row--
-You came in early!
You started late!
You weren't supposed
to come in at all.
I just came byto pick up a few things.
-Oh, Margaret! Come on!-Margaret, wait a minute! Hey!
-I'll be seeing you.
-HAWKEYE: Margaret,
please, no. Wait.
-Margaret, no, that's mine!-Come on!
Margaret!
You're gonna lookawfully silly
running hometo get my clothes.
The coast is clear.
My kingdom
for a washcloth.
At least you'rewearing a mustache.
Well, shall we?
Let's try to do thiswith dignity.
Right. Heads held high
and hands held low.
Right.
Geronimo!
[banging jeep]
[groaning]
-[Margaret sighs]
-[both screaming]
[all women shouting,
laughing]
[both screaming]
-[women cheering]
-All right, all right.
The show's over.
[chattering]
-All you peeping tomboys, out!-Out, out.
All right, ladies.I think we've seen enough.
I'll say.
Padre, I was
looking for you.
I've already heard, Colonel.
News travels fastaround here.
I spoke to everyone
I knew. No dice.
Every string I pulled broke.
I don't blame youfor being disappointed.
Oh, no. If I haveany disappointment,it's with myself.
I'm afraid ambition kind ofmade me forget why I'm here.
You have a right
to that promotion.
After all, Colonel,
it's the job that's important,not the rank.
Now if you'll excuse me,I have to finish apologizingto another commander.
Good night, Colonel.
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[screaming]
Oh, somebody get him!Somebody get him off me!
[screaming]
Oh, my God!
You screamed, madam?
Oh, you! You--You did it!
You goons!
-Corpsman, litter.-A pint of whole sawdust, stat.
-Get him out of here!-Margaret, you seem to havethings under control here.
-I'll guess we'll mosey along.-Get out of here!
-Margaret, it's not fair.We're unarmed.
-Get out!
[Hawkeye screaming]
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
[screams]
[groans]
Margaret! I heard you--
-Are you all right?
-Those animals!
Margaret, there, there.
There, there.
Not to worry.
We'll get even with them.
No we won't!
I'm sick and tiredof this whole thing!
Of course you are
for the moment.
But we'll think
of something really big,
like-- like blowing up
their still.
No!
Wouldn't that be fun?
You're very goodat this stuff, aren't you?
Look, you're in no conditionto talk about it now.
A night in Slumberland
is what you need.
We'll discuss this
in the morning.
Eh? Hmm?
Hmm. I...
Sweet dreams.
-Captain Hill?
-Oh, come on in.
I've done all I can do.
Captain, a calljust came in for you
to pick up a badlywounded man on Hill 503.
Just one? I can't gowithout a counterweight.
Where am I supposed to findone piece the size and weight
of a man and right now?
Well...
-Well, how 'bout me?
-I appreciate
the gesture, Father,
but Hill 503 is wherethe real war is going on.
Landing in that trafficis pretty unnerving.
Captain, we're wasting time.Every second is another dropof blood.
-Now I'm going. How about you?-Well, I guess I am.
First mission I've flownwithout you, Little Mac.Wish me luck.
Don't worry, Captain.
What could be luckier
than carrying a priest?
[whistling]
-[chuckles] Good morning,gentlemen.
-Uh-huh.
I wish you could have takenthe walk I've just taken
and seen the sights
I've just seen.
A bird here.
A flower there.
Pieces of dummy everywhere.[laughing]
B.J.: You're a realnature lover, you are.
Has Margaret's hair
come down yet?
You should have seen herlast night when I poppedin on her.
Her eyes were spinning aroundlike phonograph records.
I haven't had so much funsince... since...
Since your chauffeur
ran over the squirrel?
B.J.: Come in,unless you're a woodpecker.
Hey, Margaret.
Who was that dummyI saw you with last night?
I was willing to go alongwith a joke is a joke,
but last nightyou went beyond funny.
You escalatedto cruel and inhuman.
-And so this morning,
I upped the ante.
-Oh, really?
Do we have to guessor is it gonna be a surprise?
Oh, It'll be a surprise,
all right.
Especially when Peggets my letter.
Letter? What do you mean?
I sent a letterto your wife, funny man,
telling her all aboutour year-long love affair
and how you didn't have
the nerve to tell her
that it was all over
between you and her.
I think that beats a dummyin the closet, don't you?
You didn't really
do that?
I told her you brought ustogether.
-Margaret, you didn't.
-I did so!
And I got the last laugh.
This is incredible.
Do you realize whatyou've done?
Do you realizewhat Peg is gonna do
when she reads that letter?My God! My wife!
You should have thoughtof that last night.
-I don't believe it.-Damn it, Margaret. You...
You have not only lost
every friend you ever had
in this camp,
but we're gonna make
your life so miserable,
you're gonna wish
you were Little Mac.
People? People,
what's going on here?
I don't believe it.
These were harmless
practical jokes.
I mean, this was all in fun.
-[screaming]
I don't believe it!
-[Margaret screaming]
Stop! Stop, Hunnicutt!
It was me!
Hunnicutt, it was me!
Let her alone.
Are you all right, Margaret?It was all me.
The lemon-meringue pie,the shower, the dummy.
It was all me. Margaret,I'm sorry. Are you all right?
I had no idea anyonewould take this seriously.
Well, what do you think,does that do it?
Are we even?
-Yeah, I think so.-Yeah, I feel pretty even.
-Did I hurt you, Margaret?-Not at all. I loved it.
How 'bout you, Charles?
You satisfied?
-Yeah, he's satisfied.-Yeah, yeah.
Oh, You were wonderful.
What a performance!
What a performance?What an idea.
-You're welcome. -♪ Row, row, row your boat
-♪ Row, row, row your boat -♪ Row, row, row your boat
He came in on time!
[all laughing]
Very funny.
Very funny indeed.
I wasn't fooled for
a moment, you know!
How could anyone be fooledby such atrocious acting?
I had to fight to keep myselffrom laughing!
But I'm laughing now.
[laughing]
Hear that? That's laughing.Row your boat up that stream!
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention. Attention.
Incoming chopper.
Medical teams to pad.
Head wound, bad.
Get him into O.R.
Where's my AWOL priest?
Over here.
Except for a littlemotion sickness, he's fine.
It takes a brave manto be that scaredand still do the job.
It's okay, Father.
You can let go now.
Not till we land!
I'm not an angel!
You're on the ground!
Oh. Colonel Potter.
Oh, good.
Funny, I can't seem
to let go.
Give me a hand, Captain.
There you go.
Easy does her.
-Thank you.-There you go, Captain.
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
As soon as you'refeeling better,
I'm gonna give youthe chewing out you deserve.
But in the meantime,I'm putting you infor a commendation.
And the next timethose promotions come up,
your name better beon the top of that list,
-or I'll--
-Colonel! Colonel!
Do you think you could...stop swaying?
Okay, Padre. I'll drive.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel.
Heartfelt thanks to everyone
who made a rousing success
of last night's party...
celebrating
the first anniversary
of the Officers Club.
Volunteers are now needed to help rebuild it.
There's only one thing
worse than death.
Life.
What were you boys chastisingyourselves with last night?
-Potato daiquiris.-I think we left the eyes in.
MARGARET:Good morning, everyone!
Ah! Cheerful personat 4 O'Clock. Take cover.
-Good morning.-Margaret, stop smiling.
The corners of your mouth aremeeting in back of your neck.
Gentlemen, today is a day
that will live triumphantly
in the heartsof freed women everywhere!
-Bravo! Bravo!
-[pounding table]
Will you quit?
Now, what are you
chattering about?
My attorney has forcedDonald Penobscott,
a.k.a. my two-timing,cheapskate ex,
to release my halfof our joint savings account.
-I'm glad for you.
-Very good.
Thank you, thank you.
I deserve every word.
That's wonderful news,
Margaret.
Now can you loan mesome money for my funeral?
Oh, cheer up.
[blathering]
Don't. Get away from me.
Father, you asked me
to tell you
when the promotion
list came in.
Oh, yes.I was hoping that this timeI might get my--
They passed you over
again, Padre.
Oh. Oh, they did.
Well, I wasn't reallyexpecting anything.
Still, it would havebeen nice.
I'm sorry, Father.
Maybe next time.
You know what the trouble is,Father?
This is a war, and you'rein the peace business.
If I didn't feel
so darn good for me,
I'd feel really lousy for you.
-Sugar, sourpuss?-Yeah, all right. Yeah.
You know--
You know what, Father?
Other cheek
and all that aside,
I think you ought to find outwhy they passed you over again.
Yeah! And get tough with them.There must be a Biblicalprecedent.
Yes.Well, when Samson got angry,
he slew the Philistineswith the jawbone of an ass.
But that's reallynot my style.
Oh!
Feel better?Maybe a little more sugar.
Oh, you wanna
play, huh?
[laughing]
-Oh, yeah?
-[screams]
Margaret, give me a break.You're supposed to be mad.
I am mad. I am.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel. Incoming wounded.
Choppers, jeeps
and ambulances.
A regular convention.
Well, let's get into
our funny white suits.
MARGARET:
What's he doing?
He's not gonna make it
to the pad!
-I hope he makes it
to the ground.
-I'm afraid he is.
Hey, watch it!
-Some landing.
-Get those ambulances.
Margaret and I will
take care of this.
All right.
Some of you come with me.
-You okay in there?-Do I look like I'm in trouble?
Nice of you to drop in.
-Take it easy. Take it easy.-[pilot speaking Korean]
The guy woke up and triedto take a walk in midair.
If I hadn't brought him downquick, his first step wouldhave been his last.
Head wound.Get him into pre-op, stat.
Best flying I've ever seen.
-It'll do.
-I'll get the guy
on the other side.
I'll have you outta therein a second, fella.
-What is this?-That's my dummy, Little Mac.
Named him after MacArthur.
-It's a shamethey can't trade jobs.-He's a counterweight.
Whenever I pick up
just one casualty,
he rides the other podand keeps us in balance.
Otherwise,he stays inside with me.
He's my good-luck charm.
Little Mac! Of course!You're Captain Toby Hill.
I read about youin "Stars and Stripes."
Over 300 causalitiesflown in out of combat.
315 as of last Monday.
But who's counting?Let's go. We've got casualties.
-Come on.
-Thank you, Captain.I'm Major Margaret Houlihan.
It isn't very often we get tosay hello to a bona fide hero.
HAWKEYE: Let's go.You can kiss his ring later.
All right, Margaret.
Let's see what we can doabout patching up this leg.
Right, Doctor.
-[chuckles]-You think this is funny?
No, no, no, no, no, no.I was just recalling youthis morning.
-You with that blob of oatmeal.-[laughs]
[chuckles]How humiliating.
I wasn't humiliated.
Oh, Margaret,whether you realize it or not,
when you are siting there witha blob of oatmeal on your face,
people are laughing at you.
You are humiliated.
-Father, hold this thing.-Got it.
Yeah.
You're pretty goodwith your hands.
When you've fingeredas many beads as I have,
they become quite nimble.
You know, I'd likethe promotion board
to see you in hereworking your butt off.
Thank you, Colonel.
I just try to be
Johnny On the Spot
and help out
and do my part.
Father, if they gave outpromotions for modesty,
you'd be a four-star chaplain.
Margaret, as a very wise manonce said,
"Love may be what makesthe world go round,
but revenge is the axleupon which it revolves."
What wise man said that?
Me.
And close.Will you bandage for me?
Oh, Hawkeye,
what do you think Margaretshould wear for lunch?
The peas?
No, something more in the lineof an off-the-shoulder stew.
-They're baiting you.
-Have any suggestions?
Let me give ita little thought.
-Hey, mail!
-Oh, let me at it.
Scented mail.I wonder who scented it.
Mine's from the Departmentof the Army. Junk mail.
Doris Weems?
-Which Doris Weems is that?-There have been so many.
-[envelope screeches]
-[screams]
-Look at this.-What did you ever do to Doris?
-You better open yours
from the end.
-Yeah.
Sounds safe.
Can't hear the ocean.
[Hawkeye laughing]
You realize this isno longer good clean fun.
This is full-scale practical
joking to the finish.
Well, Doris asked for it.
Hey, buddy. Save a littlehot water for me, huh?
Oh, yes.
Almost finished.
Listen. Have you beenaround here for a while?
Um, seems like years.
-As a matter of fact,
it has been.
-[chuckling]
-Then you know everybody here.-Intimately.
[chuckles]Even better.
You see, I got a heavy datewith a nurse tonight.The question is which one?
-I beg your pardon?
-I'm taking a couple
day's rest here,
and I don't wanna waste it,you know what I mean.
Perhaps I should
introduce myself.
I'm Father Mulcahy,
the chaplain.
Ah. Oh.
I'm sorry, Father.
I didn't realize.
It's quite all right.It's difficult to tell in here.
-Captain Hill.
-Oh.
-Toby Hill, the pilot?
-Yeah.
-Oh, you're quite a hero.-Yeah, so they tell me.
-Does that bother you?
-I don't know.
Lately, I've been gettingthe feeling that I'm notdoing my job
so much for the sakeof the men
as I am for all the glorythat goes along with it.
The promotions, the medals,the fame.
My son, you deserve the glory,
the promotions, the medals.
How many promotions?
I'm ashamed to tell you.
I'd really like to know.
Two in the last six months.
From second looeyto captain in six months?
-Yes, Father. Isn't it awful?
-Yes!
I mean, uh, no.
I mean, uh--
I have some business
to attend to.
Colonel, while it's truethat the meek shall
inherit the earth,
it is equally true thatthe Lord helps those
who help themselves.
Yes, sirree. So?
So, I feel I deserve
a promotion.
And... Lord forgive me...
I want it!
And I want you
to help me get it.
Easy, Father.You're dripping onmy signatures.
I know how you feel.If I was in your place,
I'd be red aroundthe collar too.
And if I was in your place,I'd be on that horn,
raising a royal rhubarball over "I" Corps.
-I think I'll put
a call through.
-You do that!
[sighs]
Listen to me, will you.
I'm unrecognizable.
Colonel, I understandMajor Houlihan a divorcee.
-Brand spanking new.
-Best kind.
She's also a bit gun-shy,if you catch my drift.
Not sure I do.
She's been hurt a lot.
-Let her heal.
-Got you.
-Did I get all the powder off?-You missed a little.
-No, that's just mold.-That we won't blame her for.
Fresh canned peaches, sir?
Hold the rust.
Nothing like a good vendettato build up your appetite.
Well, Margaret,
I think your postal prankhad the desired effect.
Tom Swift and his electriccohort appear to bemiffed at you.
-Charles, I forgot
about that already.
-Margaret, Margaret.
When will you ever learn?
The nectar of revengeis to be savored slowly.
That's why it's sweet.
Excuse me a moment.I'm gonna get a refill.Would you like one?
-Nothing for me. Thanks.-No? No.
Gentlemen,
I have been listening
to Major Houlihan's
incessant gloating
over her recent
mail delivery.
Now, I hold no grief
with either of you,
but as a member
of the same sex,
I am appalled-- Nay!
I'm outraged at
your meek acceptanceof this gratuitous insult.
Well, Charles,since you put it that way,what do you mean?
I mean, Captains Milquetoast
and Wet Noodle,
that I have taken the libertyof retaliating for you both.
You mad impulsive fool.What have you done?
Observe yon Lebanese flunky.
I touch my nose...
and directly on cue...
he picks up a deliciouslemon-meringue pie,
the like of which has rarelybeen seen in this hellhole,
and he presents it to
-Major Houlihan.
-Major Houlihan,
I have a pie for you.
-She questions him
as to its origin.
-What's this?
He informs her that
it was baked in honor
-of our distinguished guest,Captain Toby Hill.-Captain Hill over there.
Captain Hill gallantly
requested that it be
delivered to her
with the message
"Sweet for the sweet."
She beams at Captain Hill.
And then she waves at him.
A puzzled Captain Hill
waves back.
Now if my calculations
are correct,
the denouement is at hand.
Gentlemen, enjoy.
[whistling]
-Captain Hill, I couldjust kiss you for this.-Pardon me?
You're not only courageous,but you're gallant,
and... and... boy,
do you have shoulders.
She sure heals fast.
If you don't mind,
I'd be honored
to share this with you.
Sweets are not only
for the sweet,
they are also
for the brave.
I'm getting diabetes.
Since this is your pie,I think you should cutthe first piece.
What do you mean, "my pie"?
What do you mean,
"what do you mean"?
[laughter]
They're laughing.
But I thought--
No, they--
Easy, Margaret.It was just a little prank.
You fiends!
-Have you about finished lunch?-Let's skip dessert.
Come back here!
This just isn't my day.
♪ Oh, it ain't gonna rain no more, no more ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more ♪
♪ So how in the heck
can I wash my neck ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain no more, no more ♪
-It's neck. Wash my neck.-Huh? Okay, do it again.
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more, no more ♪
♪ It ain't gonna rain
no more ♪
Charles!
-Shh!
-Is everything ready?
Exactly as planned.
Good luck, Margaret.
Aren't you gonna watch?
Oh, I'd love to,but I'm due in post-op.
-Oh, Charles?
-Hmm?
Thanks. You've been
a big help.
-Well, let's keep that ourlittle secret, shall we?-Oh, sure.
B.J.: You always come in early.Row, row, row your boat.
-Row, row, row--
-You came in early!
You started late!
You weren't supposed
to come in at all.
I just came byto pick up a few things.
-Oh, Margaret! Come on!-Margaret, wait a minute! Hey!
-I'll be seeing you.
-HAWKEYE: Margaret,
please, no. Wait.
-Margaret, no, that's mine!-Come on!
Margaret!
You're gonna lookawfully silly
running hometo get my clothes.
The coast is clear.
My kingdom
for a washcloth.
At least you'rewearing a mustache.
Well, shall we?
Let's try to do thiswith dignity.
Right. Heads held high
and hands held low.
Right.
Geronimo!
[banging jeep]
[groaning]
-[Margaret sighs]
-[both screaming]
[all women shouting,
laughing]
[both screaming]
-[women cheering]
-All right, all right.
The show's over.
[chattering]
-All you peeping tomboys, out!-Out, out.
All right, ladies.I think we've seen enough.
I'll say.
Padre, I was
looking for you.
I've already heard, Colonel.
News travels fastaround here.
I spoke to everyone
I knew. No dice.
Every string I pulled broke.
I don't blame youfor being disappointed.
Oh, no. If I haveany disappointment,it's with myself.
I'm afraid ambition kind ofmade me forget why I'm here.
You have a right
to that promotion.
After all, Colonel,
it's the job that's important,not the rank.
Now if you'll excuse me,I have to finish apologizingto another commander.
Good night, Colonel.
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[screaming]
Oh, somebody get him!Somebody get him off me!
[screaming]
Oh, my God!
You screamed, madam?
Oh, you! You--You did it!
You goons!
-Corpsman, litter.-A pint of whole sawdust, stat.
-Get him out of here!-Margaret, you seem to havethings under control here.
-I'll guess we'll mosey along.-Get out of here!
-Margaret, it's not fair.We're unarmed.
-Get out!
[Hawkeye screaming]
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
[screams]
[groans]
Margaret! I heard you--
-Are you all right?
-Those animals!
Margaret, there, there.
There, there.
Not to worry.
We'll get even with them.
No we won't!
I'm sick and tiredof this whole thing!
Of course you are
for the moment.
But we'll think
of something really big,
like-- like blowing up
their still.
No!
Wouldn't that be fun?
You're very goodat this stuff, aren't you?
Look, you're in no conditionto talk about it now.
A night in Slumberland
is what you need.
We'll discuss this
in the morning.
Eh? Hmm?
Hmm. I...
Sweet dreams.
-Captain Hill?
-Oh, come on in.
I've done all I can do.
Captain, a calljust came in for you
to pick up a badlywounded man on Hill 503.
Just one? I can't gowithout a counterweight.
Where am I supposed to findone piece the size and weight
of a man and right now?
Well...
-Well, how 'bout me?
-I appreciate
the gesture, Father,
but Hill 503 is wherethe real war is going on.
Landing in that trafficis pretty unnerving.
Captain, we're wasting time.Every second is another dropof blood.
-Now I'm going. How about you?-Well, I guess I am.
First mission I've flownwithout you, Little Mac.Wish me luck.
Don't worry, Captain.
What could be luckier
than carrying a priest?
[whistling]
-[chuckles] Good morning,gentlemen.
-Uh-huh.
I wish you could have takenthe walk I've just taken
and seen the sights
I've just seen.
A bird here.
A flower there.
Pieces of dummy everywhere.[laughing]
B.J.: You're a realnature lover, you are.
Has Margaret's hair
come down yet?
You should have seen herlast night when I poppedin on her.
Her eyes were spinning aroundlike phonograph records.
I haven't had so much funsince... since...
Since your chauffeur
ran over the squirrel?
B.J.: Come in,unless you're a woodpecker.
Hey, Margaret.
Who was that dummyI saw you with last night?
I was willing to go alongwith a joke is a joke,
but last nightyou went beyond funny.
You escalatedto cruel and inhuman.
-And so this morning,
I upped the ante.
-Oh, really?
Do we have to guessor is it gonna be a surprise?
Oh, It'll be a surprise,
all right.
Especially when Peggets my letter.
Letter? What do you mean?
I sent a letterto your wife, funny man,
telling her all aboutour year-long love affair
and how you didn't have
the nerve to tell her
that it was all over
between you and her.
I think that beats a dummyin the closet, don't you?
You didn't really
do that?
I told her you brought ustogether.
-Margaret, you didn't.
-I did so!
And I got the last laugh.
This is incredible.
Do you realize whatyou've done?
Do you realizewhat Peg is gonna do
when she reads that letter?My God! My wife!
You should have thoughtof that last night.
-I don't believe it.-Damn it, Margaret. You...
You have not only lost
every friend you ever had
in this camp,
but we're gonna make
your life so miserable,
you're gonna wish
you were Little Mac.
People? People,
what's going on here?
I don't believe it.
These were harmless
practical jokes.
I mean, this was all in fun.
-[screaming]
I don't believe it!
-[Margaret screaming]
Stop! Stop, Hunnicutt!
It was me!
Hunnicutt, it was me!
Let her alone.
Are you all right, Margaret?It was all me.
The lemon-meringue pie,the shower, the dummy.
It was all me. Margaret,I'm sorry. Are you all right?
I had no idea anyonewould take this seriously.
Well, what do you think,does that do it?
Are we even?
-Yeah, I think so.-Yeah, I feel pretty even.
-Did I hurt you, Margaret?-Not at all. I loved it.
How 'bout you, Charles?
You satisfied?
-Yeah, he's satisfied.-Yeah, yeah.
Oh, You were wonderful.
What a performance!
What a performance?What an idea.
-You're welcome. -♪ Row, row, row your boat
-♪ Row, row, row your boat -♪ Row, row, row your boat
He came in on time!
[all laughing]
Very funny.
Very funny indeed.
I wasn't fooled for
a moment, you know!
How could anyone be fooledby such atrocious acting?
I had to fight to keep myselffrom laughing!
But I'm laughing now.
[laughing]
Hear that? That's laughing.Row your boat up that stream!
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention. Attention.
Incoming chopper.
Medical teams to pad.
Head wound, bad.
Get him into O.R.
Where's my AWOL priest?
Over here.
Except for a littlemotion sickness, he's fine.
It takes a brave manto be that scaredand still do the job.
It's okay, Father.
You can let go now.
Not till we land!
I'm not an angel!
You're on the ground!
Oh. Colonel Potter.
Oh, good.
Funny, I can't seem
to let go.
Give me a hand, Captain.
There you go.
Easy does her.
-Thank you.-There you go, Captain.
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
As soon as you'refeeling better,
I'm gonna give youthe chewing out you deserve.
But in the meantime,I'm putting you infor a commendation.
And the next timethose promotions come up,
your name better beon the top of that list,
-or I'll--
-Colonel! Colonel!
Do you think you could...stop swaying?
Okay, Padre. I'll drive.
[theme music playing]