M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 12 - Out of Gas - full transcript
When the camp copes with a critical shortage of sodium pentathol, a vital anesthetic, Father Mulcahy must use his black market contacts to get some.
[theme music playing]
[blowing] Oh.
-Boy, it's cold.
-Mm-hmm.
Even the cardsup my sleeve are frozen.
I'll say. All my heartshave stopped beating.
Anybody bring
a hot water bottle?
Best I can do isa bottle of hot peppers.
Come on, toots.
It's your bet.
Okay, caution to the wind.One wool sock.
Uh-uh. Pair of socks
or better to open.
-Who upped the ante?
-Me.
I was inspired
by the Old Testament.
As the Lord said to Noah,"Everything in pairs."
Course, the Lord was holdingthree aces at the time.
All right, enough of thisforeplay. Earmuffs.
I see your earmuffs,
and I raise youa feather boa.
To you, big slim.
Let's see, jacket,
sweater, robe...
sweater, sweater,
shirt.
I'm practically naked.
Fold.
All right.
Ski mask. You know,
I finally figured out
what it is I hate about winter.
-What's that?
-The cold.
You too? So toughto find things to wear...
that don't clashwith blue skin.
In this weather,I'm always remindedof George Washington
in that terrible winterat Valley Forge,
struggling to keephis ragged army together.
Trying to keep
his men from stealinghis dentures for firewood.
Tough guy, that George.
His bark was the same
as his bite.
To you, Friar Luck.
Bathrobe, genuine sackcloth.
Ashes in both pockets.
That'll get the girls.
[all shivering]
Close the door, sir!Close the door!
-Geez!
-Colonel.
Shiverin' shinbones!It must be down to ten degrees!
No, it's up to five socks.
I have a ridiculous
question to ask.
Does anybody besides mehave a flush?
[groaning] Not again.
I guess that beats
a pair of 3s.
You were bluffing
in this weather?
And the rich get warmer.
Winchester's got
the hot hand, huh?
He should. He's wearingall our gloves.
Well, don't worry.It's gonna be warm enoughfor all of us real soon.
What makes you
think so, Colonel?
Trick knee? [chuckles]
Uh, don't push your luck,Chuckles.
I-Corps is getting readyfor a major offensive.
Gonna be a real big push.
They're throwing a coupleof divisions at the Chinese.
And they'll throw
at least a battalion of
casualties back at us.
They won't be fighting withsnowballs, that's for sure.
-When do we get 'em?-First wave should be herein a couple of hours.
First wave?
Then there's the inevitablecounteroffensive.
That'll bring the secondwave in within 24 hours.
You could set
your clock by this war.
I guess that meanswe should call the game.
-ALL: [groaning]
-Well, we better
get O.R. ready.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We're neglecting
something here.
-KLINGER: What?
-Kindly pay up.
-[shouting]
-"Pay up, pay up"!
Here, take it allif you want!
Let's move it, people!
You'll have plenty of time
to talk after the war!
Give me that.
In order to make
this instrument work,
it has to touch
the floor.
I'll demonstrate.
-Pardon me, Cinderella.-What?
-I mean Major.
-What do you want?
We seem to have a problem.
I checked on
the sodium pentothal.
We're down to two boxes,20 vials each.
-That's not enough.
-Hence the problem.
Go check with Sergeant Zale.
He must have more
pentothal in stock.
-I did. He didn't.
-That's impossible!
The supply truck was herejust a couple of days ago.
Minus the pentothal.
Damn!
We're gonna have
a deluge through here.
Too lateto call it off, huh?
All right. I'll find outwhat's going on.
-Klinger, take over here.-Yes, ma'am.
All right, people!
I'm in charge now!
Two minute break.
Well, let's hear it, Zale.
Why are we low on pentothal?
-And it better be good.-He's my witness, Major.
-Of course he is.
-Well, actually, sir,
we're not low... on paper.
Let me put it another way,Mr. Snake Oil.
What happened
to the pentothal?
-I traded it to the 8063rd.-Did you hear that?
-He traded it!
-I heard that.
-What did you trade it for?-How could you trade it?
-Who do I answer?
-Me, you yahoo!
What did you trade it for?
Plasma. Best deal
I ever made...
I thought.
Well, you know
what to do, Zale.
Right, sir. What?
Go to the 8063rdand get the pentothal back.
Well, I'd love to, Colonel,but the 8063rd doesn't have it.
-You just said they did!
-Down in front, Major.
Why don't they have it?
They needed it to getpenicillin from the 121st.
-So the 121st has it?
-Wrong.
They traded it
to a South Korean unit
for some fresh vegetables.
Look, let's just get thisover with. Shoot him.
You're lucky I'm in command.
Look, Colonel, this sort of
trading goes on constantly.
Major, remember the time
you wanted those leather hipboots with spiked heels?
Never mind!
Spiked heels? How do you
fish with those on?
Colonel, what are we gonnado about the pentothal?
Right.
Radar, we're running low--
I just called I-Corps aboutgetting some more pentothal.
Get I-Corps on the phone.
Good boy.
Thank you, sir.
Well, what did they say?
Oh, they can't spareany right now,
what with the trucksin convoy and the battle--
I know it by heart.
I did the best I could.I even yelled.
-Go yell some more.
-Right.
What are we gonna do,Colonel?
Well, we'll stretch outthe pentothal as best we can.
When that's gone,
we'll just have to useether and nitrous oxide.
I presume we have those,
Sergeant Huckster.
We're lousy with it.
You can't give
that stuff away.
Colonel, with the numberof casualties we're expecting,
it'll take foreverto get through on ether.
Margaret, we're fresh
out of choices.
-Excuse me, sirs.
-What is it, Radar?
-Choppers. Lots of 'em.-Here we go.
Oh, and, Zale,
if you're feeling rotten
about this, good!
Hustle, boys! Hustle!We're fighting time.
This guy's in shock.
Plasma, right away.
-All right, let's move it out!-Bring him to O.R.
Tag all chest cases
for pentothal only.
They can't handle the ether.
What do you think?
It's gonna take foreverto get these people under.
My draft board promised
me this was gonna be
a modern war. Litter!
My biceps are at attention,
sir. Command them.
Get this guy into pre-opright away.
Make him comfortable.He might be there for a while.
-All right.-Same old story, soldier.
Hurry up and wait.
Come on, Dennis.
Hi, Kenny? It's Radar.
Huh? Where's Kenny?
Tokyo? Okay, listen,
maybe you can help me.
Uh, this is 4077th.
4077th MASH.
How long have you
been over here?
Two hours and you're
on the radio already?
A rookie!
Look, uh, we need
some sodium pentothal.
Sodium pentothal.
It's an "anthinez..."
It's an "anathe..."
It's the stuff that
makes you go to sleep.
What do you meanyou can't give it to me?
You don't even know
what it is!
Can I speak
to your C.O., please?
His name is Colonel Hooten.
Why do they send these kids?
POTTER:Anybody check the time?
B.J.: Sorry, can't takemy wrist out to look.
HAWKEYE: Last I checked,
it was either quarter towave 1 or half-past wave 2.
Hi, there. I'm a surgeon.
Don't confuse him, Pierce.
Ready, Doctor.
Just relax
and inhale deeply.
That's easy.Just look at her and sigh.
Take it easy, kid!
Come on, take it easy.
Margaret, get the cone
over his face.
-He won't let me.-Don't be polite. Just do it!
Need any help over there?
No, no, we're fine, thank you.
Margaret, hurry up.
I've got it. I've got it.
before you operate on 'em.
-[coughing]-That's too much ether.
You're giving him too much.
Sorry, I've never givenether by itself before.
Ohh-- Oh, yippee.
I have to do your job
as well as mine. Major!
Caldman, take over for me.
I don't blame you
specifically, mind.
I hold the entire
world responsible.
Here, Carson.
Do it like this.
Don't drop it too quickly,or you'll cause choking.
The main thing is I don'twant to lose the patient
before I'm through.
It would be bad
for his morale.
Hold it! Who turned
those heaters on?
Get 'em off. Quick!
On the double.Ether and flames don't mix.
We're lucky we're noton the moon by now.
We just gotta go at itin the cold, folks.
What? You mean workunder adverse conditions?
Yes, Colonel,I know you're low,
and you got casualties, too.
But, sir, I'm talking out ofa sense of desperateness here.
I mean, we're really upthe river without a creek.
Well, uh, can't you
just send us one box?
Are you sure you're low?
No, sir, I'm not
calling you a liar!
No, sir! Even if you were,I wouldn't call you one.
I'm sorry, I just...
Corporal Walter O'Reilly.R-A-1-9-4-9-0-6-9.
Colonel, please turn
the heaters back on.
At least an explosion
would be warm.
One more complaint from you,
and I'll blow up.
I stand, as always,
rejected.
Too bad you're notworking on a belly.
Your hands staypretty warm in here.
HAWKEYE:How's he doing, Margaret?
Yoo-hoo.
Oh, sorry. He's fine.
Maybe you oughta stepinto the lobby for a second.
No need.
Hmm.
Just so I can plan my day,
how long before the nextbatch of wounded is due?
Is that how long
or how many?
That's when the big handis on the 14.
Margaret! Corpsman!
Pam, take over!
POTTER: It's the damn ether.Get her outside.
HAWKEYE:
Lot of good that'll do.
We're probably short
of fresh air, too.
-[gagging, coughing]
-Margaret?
-Margaret?
-Is she comin' around?
Keep your handsto yourself, General.
-That's a good sign.
-Easy, Major. Easy.
-[coughing]
-You all right?
I, uh... I'm fine.
Really. [coughs] I'm moreembarrassed than hurt.
It's okay.I covered for you.
I told everyone you hadmorning sickness.
Between the ether
and the cold,
it's a wonder we're
not all on the deck.
Kind of chummy, though.The staff and the patients
falling asleep ineach other's arms.
-[sighs]-We're gonna have tocut down on the ether.
Fine. We'll just break outthe polo mallets.
I was thinking about
using local anesthesia
on the simpler cases.
Locals?
Colonel, we'll slow downeven more.
Not that we're breakingany speed records now.
At least we couldturn the heat up.
We won't run as much risk
of the floor smacking us
in the face.
I wish there was somethingI could do to help.
Well, since we don't
have a prayer,
how about a couple of
novenas and a pentothal?
We might be able
to arrange a drop.
It's gonna take more
than a drop, Padre.
No, I meant make a drop
with the black market
for pentothal.
Not advisable.
Those boys play rough.
Yeah, they cut off your noseto spite your face.
And anyway, who'd be lowenough to have connectionswith those tarantulas?
Well, uh, as a matterof fact, me.
-You?
-Why you devil, you.
On occasion, I've had to dealthrough the black market
to obtain supplies
for the orphans.
You can get
practically anything.
Yeah, but you have to givethem practically everything.
Not always.
You'd be surprised whata priest can get away with.
You volunteering?
I'd certainlylike to give it a go.
Anyway, I'm the only onewho knows the scam.
I don't know. You'd haveto be good and careful.
-I try to be both.
-Right.
Okay, Padre,
it's your baby.
Just an expression.
Father, exactly what is itthat you want?
Just a small
contribution, Major.
Oh, yes. The bane of thewell-to-do: charity appeals.
It's to trade with
the black marketeers
for pentothal.
-You'll be doing
yourself a favor.
-[Scoffs]
Father, I don't knowif they're worth anything,
but you're welcome
to my captain's bars--
never been used.
Two railroad tracks.
Thank you.
That's a start.
-Major?
-Oh, all right.
If the others are gonnachip in a dollar or two,
I'll go along.Is it tax deductible?
I'm afraid we'll need
something more substantial.
Oh, fine. Well, then I'llgive you--Move your feet.
I'll give you--Will you move your feet?!
I'll give you--I'll give you $10.
Will they take
a personal check?
I was thinkingmore in terms
of something theywouldn't tear up.
A case of vintage wineleaps to mind.
Certainly not.I'm down to my last one.
I'm asking you nicely.
And I'm telling
you nicely. No.
Charles, I'm much too tiredto go through all this.
Just give him the wine.
Don't make Hawk and megive it to him for you.
What? That's extortion!
Catchy name for it.
Exactly how do you proposeto exchange the wine?
Oh, I leave the goods
at the designated spot,
and I go back later
and pick up the pentothal.
You're a trusting soul,aren't you?
It comes with the collar.
Father, you reallyare a chump.
You'd drop off the goods,then come back to discoverthey've left you nothing.
You have to meet 'emface-to-face.
That isn't the usual
arrangement.
If you want my wine,
you will do it my way.
Well, if you're gonnaget your way,
the least you could dois give the father
some of your gourmet foodto go along with the wine.
-What?
-Ah, in that case,
we have a deal.
-What?
-You've got a deal.
Thank you, Major.
I will go make
the necessary arrangements.
Charles, you're reallya generous guy.
Don't you ever use that wordin my presence again.
You know,I was thinking, Father,
maybe I shouldcall the 8055th again.
They'll just
say no again.
Well, maybe you couldput a curse on them.
Radar, there's nothing
to worry about.
We simply walk in,
calmly make our exchange
with these people,
then hightail it
out of there.
Can I just wait in the jeep?
Corporal,get away from my wine.
You "non-com-poop."I'm going along.
-That's not necessary.
-It is my wine,
and it is imperative that Italk these nefarious tradesmen
down a bit in price.
I cannot think of existingwithout at least one bottle.
Yeah, you can take my place.Good luck to you both, sirs.
Major, I appreciate
your zeal,
but can you be
spared from O.R.?
The colonel has
graciously allowed me
an entire half hour to sleep.
I will gladly do without it
in order to protect
my investment.
Major, you don't knowwho you'll be dealing with.
[scoffing]
Neither do they.
Move it out!I believe that's the phrase.
Well, toodle-oo, Radar.
Uh, toodle-ooto you two too.
Litter!
3.0 silk.
Harkness, I'm gonna
stitch you now,
so you're liable
to feel a slight tug.
Isn't this fun?
Ha ha. Is the anestheticgonna hold, Doc?
The only pain
you're gonna feel
is when you find out
she's married.
Okay, let's move on
over to the shoulder.
Uh, more local, please.
-Is it bad, Doc?-What? Are you kidding?
I wish I hadshoulders that good.
Compared to you, I haveno shoulders at all.
My neck goes straightdown to my waist.
Where are you from?
Idaville, Indiana.
-No kidding? Idaville.
-Yeah.
Ever go to the dances at theAmerican Legion Hall there?
-Yeah, sure.
-And, um...
on the edge of town,there's this little place
where you can get the world'sgreasiest French fries.
-Right, Mona's.
-Yeah, yeah.
And, uh, uh, what else?
The Studebaker dealership.
Always hasthose search lights
when they bring inthe new models.
Hey, when were you
in Idaville?
Never. I grew up in the samesmall town in Maine.
There they are.
Scary-looking bunch.
I'm surprised they don't
have "black market"
written on the side
of the truck.
[Charles laughs]
They're amateurs.
Ha ha! And I thoughtthis was gonna be tough.
Major, please,
be careful.
Father, you just, uh,
work your beads.
Let me do the talking.
How do, gentlemen?
I'm Major Winchester.The father you already know.
-Cut the malarkey.
What you got for us?
-Yeah, well.
We're featuring severalbottles of Chateauneuf du Pape.
-Hooch?
-Wine, you...
French wine.
We're prepared to offeryou several bottles
for each box of pentothal.
The very words
are breaking my heart.
-Not good enough.
-Not good enough?
If you said that to a Frenchman,he'd spit in your face.
-Ix-nay, Ajor-may.
-[mutters]
All right. Two.
Two bottles for each.
-All of it.
-Two. My final offer.
Major, please!
-Take it or leave it.
-Oh, Lord.
[speaking Korean]
-Okay. We take it.
You leave it.
-Fine.
Now, if you'd be kind enough
to hand over those boxesof pentothal, we'll--
-[trigger clicking]
-[muttering]
I, uh... All... All right.
-Three bottles.
-[speaking Korean]
[mutters] You can...[repeats Korean] over there.
You needn't hold that
quite so high.
Doctor? Hawkeye?
Oh, Margaret.
It can't be heaven.I've only been deadfive minutes.
You've gotta get up.
A second waveisn't here already?
No. One of your patientstore open his sutures.
Post-operative vomitingcaused by the ether.
-All right.
Get him back in here.-We're prepping him now.
-I'll prepare a local.
-Help me up.
Get me something to leanagainst while I'm operating.
Preferably you.
Shocking!Just-Just-Just shocking!
These war profiteershave absolutely no sense
of human decency anymore.
None! Laughing at a man
in his underwear!
I wish I had their names.
And you... forgiving themover and over and over!
-Major.
-You wouldn't dare
leave me out here.
If you had just acquired
a case of wine,
what would you do with it?
Sell it for a raccoon coat.
No, I really wanna know.
Well, I--Well, I...Depending on the vintage...
I'd put it away in a cellaruntil it had aged properly.
I--No.
I'd drink it, wouldn't I?
Ha!
Let's get 'em, Father!
[speaking Korean]
[speaking Korean]
Have you everseen such idiots?
Shh! Shh!
Drinking red winewith stuffed capon!
-What is it, Radar?
-Huh? Oh.
Uh, the choppers are comin' in,sir, with the second wave.
[sighs]Mulcahy back yet?
-No, sir.-I hope he's all right.
Well, you betterwake everybody up.
Everybody, sir?
Yeah, everybody.What's the matter?
Well, it's just
it's gonna be kinda hardto wake up Major Winchester
'cause he went out
with Father Mulcahy.
He didn't.
Okay, but he did.
What the hell does thatjackass think he's doin'?
Well, he said he could
make a better deal.
Some deal. Now I'm notonly out of pentothal,
I'm short a surgeon too.
-Yes, sir.
-Damn!
[speaking Korean]
[shouting in Korean]
CHARLES: Start the engine!Why don't you start the engine?
MULCAHY: Where isthe starter on this thing?
We're dead men. Yes, we are.
We're dead men. Oh, dead.
-[engine starts]
-Well, go! Go! Go!
[Charles laughing]
That'll teach you!Confidence men! Barbarians!
Confidence rejects! Ha ha!Remember the Boston Tea Party!
Burns. Second and third
degree. Dress him.
We'll debride him laterif necessary.
Get some more pressure
on that dressing,
then a slug of morphine. Go!
-Radar!
-Yes, sir.
Let me knowwhen Winchester shows up.
I'm gonna duck walk
his carcass
from now until
St. Swithin's Day.
Yes, sir.
We're just fooling ourselveshere, Colonel.
Well, keep at it.
It's all we've got.
Unit of plasma.If we're out of that, I quit.
-Get 'im inside.
-[horn beeping]
What in the Sam Hill
is that?
We got it! Pentothal!
Seven boxes!
Come on, people!
Let's unload her!
-[laughing]-Father, let me be the first.
-[laughing]
-Hey, wait a minute.
What about me?
I'm not hugging youtill you put something on.
Now, at the risk
of sounding ungrateful,
where in the blazes
is my jeep?
Well, certain sacrificeshad to be made.
[groans]
Tell me about it.
Winchester, that's
very appealing,
but put on a gown!
-We need you in O.R.
-Oh, of course.
No rest for the brave
and resourceful.
He was a real blessingout there, Colonel,
and, God willing, I'll neverbe blessed with him again.
Amen. All right,
everybody, let's move it.
We got a long stretch ahead.
-NURSE: Ready, doctor.-B.J.: Ah, what a pleasure.
Scalpel. No muss. No fuss.
Just rock-a-bye baby,
and out they go.
No more patients looking
over your shoulder
while you work on theirs.
No more etherto breathe.
And we can heat up
without blowing up.
I'd say, considering
the circumstances,
we're all about as
happy as we could be.
Oh, my wine.
[theme music playing]
[blowing] Oh.
-Boy, it's cold.
-Mm-hmm.
Even the cardsup my sleeve are frozen.
I'll say. All my heartshave stopped beating.
Anybody bring
a hot water bottle?
Best I can do isa bottle of hot peppers.
Come on, toots.
It's your bet.
Okay, caution to the wind.One wool sock.
Uh-uh. Pair of socks
or better to open.
-Who upped the ante?
-Me.
I was inspired
by the Old Testament.
As the Lord said to Noah,"Everything in pairs."
Course, the Lord was holdingthree aces at the time.
All right, enough of thisforeplay. Earmuffs.
I see your earmuffs,
and I raise youa feather boa.
To you, big slim.
Let's see, jacket,
sweater, robe...
sweater, sweater,
shirt.
I'm practically naked.
Fold.
All right.
Ski mask. You know,
I finally figured out
what it is I hate about winter.
-What's that?
-The cold.
You too? So toughto find things to wear...
that don't clashwith blue skin.
In this weather,I'm always remindedof George Washington
in that terrible winterat Valley Forge,
struggling to keephis ragged army together.
Trying to keep
his men from stealinghis dentures for firewood.
Tough guy, that George.
His bark was the same
as his bite.
To you, Friar Luck.
Bathrobe, genuine sackcloth.
Ashes in both pockets.
That'll get the girls.
[all shivering]
Close the door, sir!Close the door!
-Geez!
-Colonel.
Shiverin' shinbones!It must be down to ten degrees!
No, it's up to five socks.
I have a ridiculous
question to ask.
Does anybody besides mehave a flush?
[groaning] Not again.
I guess that beats
a pair of 3s.
You were bluffing
in this weather?
And the rich get warmer.
Winchester's got
the hot hand, huh?
He should. He's wearingall our gloves.
Well, don't worry.It's gonna be warm enoughfor all of us real soon.
What makes you
think so, Colonel?
Trick knee? [chuckles]
Uh, don't push your luck,Chuckles.
I-Corps is getting readyfor a major offensive.
Gonna be a real big push.
They're throwing a coupleof divisions at the Chinese.
And they'll throw
at least a battalion of
casualties back at us.
They won't be fighting withsnowballs, that's for sure.
-When do we get 'em?-First wave should be herein a couple of hours.
First wave?
Then there's the inevitablecounteroffensive.
That'll bring the secondwave in within 24 hours.
You could set
your clock by this war.
I guess that meanswe should call the game.
-ALL: [groaning]
-Well, we better
get O.R. ready.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We're neglecting
something here.
-KLINGER: What?
-Kindly pay up.
-[shouting]
-"Pay up, pay up"!
Here, take it allif you want!
Let's move it, people!
You'll have plenty of time
to talk after the war!
Give me that.
In order to make
this instrument work,
it has to touch
the floor.
I'll demonstrate.
-Pardon me, Cinderella.-What?
-I mean Major.
-What do you want?
We seem to have a problem.
I checked on
the sodium pentothal.
We're down to two boxes,20 vials each.
-That's not enough.
-Hence the problem.
Go check with Sergeant Zale.
He must have more
pentothal in stock.
-I did. He didn't.
-That's impossible!
The supply truck was herejust a couple of days ago.
Minus the pentothal.
Damn!
We're gonna have
a deluge through here.
Too lateto call it off, huh?
All right. I'll find outwhat's going on.
-Klinger, take over here.-Yes, ma'am.
All right, people!
I'm in charge now!
Two minute break.
Well, let's hear it, Zale.
Why are we low on pentothal?
-And it better be good.-He's my witness, Major.
-Of course he is.
-Well, actually, sir,
we're not low... on paper.
Let me put it another way,Mr. Snake Oil.
What happened
to the pentothal?
-I traded it to the 8063rd.-Did you hear that?
-He traded it!
-I heard that.
-What did you trade it for?-How could you trade it?
-Who do I answer?
-Me, you yahoo!
What did you trade it for?
Plasma. Best deal
I ever made...
I thought.
Well, you know
what to do, Zale.
Right, sir. What?
Go to the 8063rdand get the pentothal back.
Well, I'd love to, Colonel,but the 8063rd doesn't have it.
-You just said they did!
-Down in front, Major.
Why don't they have it?
They needed it to getpenicillin from the 121st.
-So the 121st has it?
-Wrong.
They traded it
to a South Korean unit
for some fresh vegetables.
Look, let's just get thisover with. Shoot him.
You're lucky I'm in command.
Look, Colonel, this sort of
trading goes on constantly.
Major, remember the time
you wanted those leather hipboots with spiked heels?
Never mind!
Spiked heels? How do you
fish with those on?
Colonel, what are we gonnado about the pentothal?
Right.
Radar, we're running low--
I just called I-Corps aboutgetting some more pentothal.
Get I-Corps on the phone.
Good boy.
Thank you, sir.
Well, what did they say?
Oh, they can't spareany right now,
what with the trucksin convoy and the battle--
I know it by heart.
I did the best I could.I even yelled.
-Go yell some more.
-Right.
What are we gonna do,Colonel?
Well, we'll stretch outthe pentothal as best we can.
When that's gone,
we'll just have to useether and nitrous oxide.
I presume we have those,
Sergeant Huckster.
We're lousy with it.
You can't give
that stuff away.
Colonel, with the numberof casualties we're expecting,
it'll take foreverto get through on ether.
Margaret, we're fresh
out of choices.
-Excuse me, sirs.
-What is it, Radar?
-Choppers. Lots of 'em.-Here we go.
Oh, and, Zale,
if you're feeling rotten
about this, good!
Hustle, boys! Hustle!We're fighting time.
This guy's in shock.
Plasma, right away.
-All right, let's move it out!-Bring him to O.R.
Tag all chest cases
for pentothal only.
They can't handle the ether.
What do you think?
It's gonna take foreverto get these people under.
My draft board promised
me this was gonna be
a modern war. Litter!
My biceps are at attention,
sir. Command them.
Get this guy into pre-opright away.
Make him comfortable.He might be there for a while.
-All right.-Same old story, soldier.
Hurry up and wait.
Come on, Dennis.
Hi, Kenny? It's Radar.
Huh? Where's Kenny?
Tokyo? Okay, listen,
maybe you can help me.
Uh, this is 4077th.
4077th MASH.
How long have you
been over here?
Two hours and you're
on the radio already?
A rookie!
Look, uh, we need
some sodium pentothal.
Sodium pentothal.
It's an "anthinez..."
It's an "anathe..."
It's the stuff that
makes you go to sleep.
What do you meanyou can't give it to me?
You don't even know
what it is!
Can I speak
to your C.O., please?
His name is Colonel Hooten.
Why do they send these kids?
POTTER:Anybody check the time?
B.J.: Sorry, can't takemy wrist out to look.
HAWKEYE: Last I checked,
it was either quarter towave 1 or half-past wave 2.
Hi, there. I'm a surgeon.
Don't confuse him, Pierce.
Ready, Doctor.
Just relax
and inhale deeply.
That's easy.Just look at her and sigh.
Take it easy, kid!
Come on, take it easy.
Margaret, get the cone
over his face.
-He won't let me.-Don't be polite. Just do it!
Need any help over there?
No, no, we're fine, thank you.
Margaret, hurry up.
I've got it. I've got it.
before you operate on 'em.
-[coughing]-That's too much ether.
You're giving him too much.
Sorry, I've never givenether by itself before.
Ohh-- Oh, yippee.
I have to do your job
as well as mine. Major!
Caldman, take over for me.
I don't blame you
specifically, mind.
I hold the entire
world responsible.
Here, Carson.
Do it like this.
Don't drop it too quickly,or you'll cause choking.
The main thing is I don'twant to lose the patient
before I'm through.
It would be bad
for his morale.
Hold it! Who turned
those heaters on?
Get 'em off. Quick!
On the double.Ether and flames don't mix.
We're lucky we're noton the moon by now.
We just gotta go at itin the cold, folks.
What? You mean workunder adverse conditions?
Yes, Colonel,I know you're low,
and you got casualties, too.
But, sir, I'm talking out ofa sense of desperateness here.
I mean, we're really upthe river without a creek.
Well, uh, can't you
just send us one box?
Are you sure you're low?
No, sir, I'm not
calling you a liar!
No, sir! Even if you were,I wouldn't call you one.
I'm sorry, I just...
Corporal Walter O'Reilly.R-A-1-9-4-9-0-6-9.
Colonel, please turn
the heaters back on.
At least an explosion
would be warm.
One more complaint from you,
and I'll blow up.
I stand, as always,
rejected.
Too bad you're notworking on a belly.
Your hands staypretty warm in here.
HAWKEYE:How's he doing, Margaret?
Yoo-hoo.
Oh, sorry. He's fine.
Maybe you oughta stepinto the lobby for a second.
No need.
Hmm.
Just so I can plan my day,
how long before the nextbatch of wounded is due?
Is that how long
or how many?
That's when the big handis on the 14.
Margaret! Corpsman!
Pam, take over!
POTTER: It's the damn ether.Get her outside.
HAWKEYE:
Lot of good that'll do.
We're probably short
of fresh air, too.
-[gagging, coughing]
-Margaret?
-Margaret?
-Is she comin' around?
Keep your handsto yourself, General.
-That's a good sign.
-Easy, Major. Easy.
-[coughing]
-You all right?
I, uh... I'm fine.
Really. [coughs] I'm moreembarrassed than hurt.
It's okay.I covered for you.
I told everyone you hadmorning sickness.
Between the ether
and the cold,
it's a wonder we're
not all on the deck.
Kind of chummy, though.The staff and the patients
falling asleep ineach other's arms.
-[sighs]-We're gonna have tocut down on the ether.
Fine. We'll just break outthe polo mallets.
I was thinking about
using local anesthesia
on the simpler cases.
Locals?
Colonel, we'll slow downeven more.
Not that we're breakingany speed records now.
At least we couldturn the heat up.
We won't run as much risk
of the floor smacking us
in the face.
I wish there was somethingI could do to help.
Well, since we don't
have a prayer,
how about a couple of
novenas and a pentothal?
We might be able
to arrange a drop.
It's gonna take more
than a drop, Padre.
No, I meant make a drop
with the black market
for pentothal.
Not advisable.
Those boys play rough.
Yeah, they cut off your noseto spite your face.
And anyway, who'd be lowenough to have connectionswith those tarantulas?
Well, uh, as a matterof fact, me.
-You?
-Why you devil, you.
On occasion, I've had to dealthrough the black market
to obtain supplies
for the orphans.
You can get
practically anything.
Yeah, but you have to givethem practically everything.
Not always.
You'd be surprised whata priest can get away with.
You volunteering?
I'd certainlylike to give it a go.
Anyway, I'm the only onewho knows the scam.
I don't know. You'd haveto be good and careful.
-I try to be both.
-Right.
Okay, Padre,
it's your baby.
Just an expression.
Father, exactly what is itthat you want?
Just a small
contribution, Major.
Oh, yes. The bane of thewell-to-do: charity appeals.
It's to trade with
the black marketeers
for pentothal.
-You'll be doing
yourself a favor.
-[Scoffs]
Father, I don't knowif they're worth anything,
but you're welcome
to my captain's bars--
never been used.
Two railroad tracks.
Thank you.
That's a start.
-Major?
-Oh, all right.
If the others are gonnachip in a dollar or two,
I'll go along.Is it tax deductible?
I'm afraid we'll need
something more substantial.
Oh, fine. Well, then I'llgive you--Move your feet.
I'll give you--Will you move your feet?!
I'll give you--I'll give you $10.
Will they take
a personal check?
I was thinkingmore in terms
of something theywouldn't tear up.
A case of vintage wineleaps to mind.
Certainly not.I'm down to my last one.
I'm asking you nicely.
And I'm telling
you nicely. No.
Charles, I'm much too tiredto go through all this.
Just give him the wine.
Don't make Hawk and megive it to him for you.
What? That's extortion!
Catchy name for it.
Exactly how do you proposeto exchange the wine?
Oh, I leave the goods
at the designated spot,
and I go back later
and pick up the pentothal.
You're a trusting soul,aren't you?
It comes with the collar.
Father, you reallyare a chump.
You'd drop off the goods,then come back to discoverthey've left you nothing.
You have to meet 'emface-to-face.
That isn't the usual
arrangement.
If you want my wine,
you will do it my way.
Well, if you're gonnaget your way,
the least you could dois give the father
some of your gourmet foodto go along with the wine.
-What?
-Ah, in that case,
we have a deal.
-What?
-You've got a deal.
Thank you, Major.
I will go make
the necessary arrangements.
Charles, you're reallya generous guy.
Don't you ever use that wordin my presence again.
You know,I was thinking, Father,
maybe I shouldcall the 8055th again.
They'll just
say no again.
Well, maybe you couldput a curse on them.
Radar, there's nothing
to worry about.
We simply walk in,
calmly make our exchange
with these people,
then hightail it
out of there.
Can I just wait in the jeep?
Corporal,get away from my wine.
You "non-com-poop."I'm going along.
-That's not necessary.
-It is my wine,
and it is imperative that Italk these nefarious tradesmen
down a bit in price.
I cannot think of existingwithout at least one bottle.
Yeah, you can take my place.Good luck to you both, sirs.
Major, I appreciate
your zeal,
but can you be
spared from O.R.?
The colonel has
graciously allowed me
an entire half hour to sleep.
I will gladly do without it
in order to protect
my investment.
Major, you don't knowwho you'll be dealing with.
[scoffing]
Neither do they.
Move it out!I believe that's the phrase.
Well, toodle-oo, Radar.
Uh, toodle-ooto you two too.
Litter!
3.0 silk.
Harkness, I'm gonna
stitch you now,
so you're liable
to feel a slight tug.
Isn't this fun?
Ha ha. Is the anestheticgonna hold, Doc?
The only pain
you're gonna feel
is when you find out
she's married.
Okay, let's move on
over to the shoulder.
Uh, more local, please.
-Is it bad, Doc?-What? Are you kidding?
I wish I hadshoulders that good.
Compared to you, I haveno shoulders at all.
My neck goes straightdown to my waist.
Where are you from?
Idaville, Indiana.
-No kidding? Idaville.
-Yeah.
Ever go to the dances at theAmerican Legion Hall there?
-Yeah, sure.
-And, um...
on the edge of town,there's this little place
where you can get the world'sgreasiest French fries.
-Right, Mona's.
-Yeah, yeah.
And, uh, uh, what else?
The Studebaker dealership.
Always hasthose search lights
when they bring inthe new models.
Hey, when were you
in Idaville?
Never. I grew up in the samesmall town in Maine.
There they are.
Scary-looking bunch.
I'm surprised they don't
have "black market"
written on the side
of the truck.
[Charles laughs]
They're amateurs.
Ha ha! And I thoughtthis was gonna be tough.
Major, please,
be careful.
Father, you just, uh,
work your beads.
Let me do the talking.
How do, gentlemen?
I'm Major Winchester.The father you already know.
-Cut the malarkey.
What you got for us?
-Yeah, well.
We're featuring severalbottles of Chateauneuf du Pape.
-Hooch?
-Wine, you...
French wine.
We're prepared to offeryou several bottles
for each box of pentothal.
The very words
are breaking my heart.
-Not good enough.
-Not good enough?
If you said that to a Frenchman,he'd spit in your face.
-Ix-nay, Ajor-may.
-[mutters]
All right. Two.
Two bottles for each.
-All of it.
-Two. My final offer.
Major, please!
-Take it or leave it.
-Oh, Lord.
[speaking Korean]
-Okay. We take it.
You leave it.
-Fine.
Now, if you'd be kind enough
to hand over those boxesof pentothal, we'll--
-[trigger clicking]
-[muttering]
I, uh... All... All right.
-Three bottles.
-[speaking Korean]
[mutters] You can...[repeats Korean] over there.
You needn't hold that
quite so high.
Doctor? Hawkeye?
Oh, Margaret.
It can't be heaven.I've only been deadfive minutes.
You've gotta get up.
A second waveisn't here already?
No. One of your patientstore open his sutures.
Post-operative vomitingcaused by the ether.
-All right.
Get him back in here.-We're prepping him now.
-I'll prepare a local.
-Help me up.
Get me something to leanagainst while I'm operating.
Preferably you.
Shocking!Just-Just-Just shocking!
These war profiteershave absolutely no sense
of human decency anymore.
None! Laughing at a man
in his underwear!
I wish I had their names.
And you... forgiving themover and over and over!
-Major.
-You wouldn't dare
leave me out here.
If you had just acquired
a case of wine,
what would you do with it?
Sell it for a raccoon coat.
No, I really wanna know.
Well, I--Well, I...Depending on the vintage...
I'd put it away in a cellaruntil it had aged properly.
I--No.
I'd drink it, wouldn't I?
Ha!
Let's get 'em, Father!
[speaking Korean]
[speaking Korean]
Have you everseen such idiots?
Shh! Shh!
Drinking red winewith stuffed capon!
-What is it, Radar?
-Huh? Oh.
Uh, the choppers are comin' in,sir, with the second wave.
[sighs]Mulcahy back yet?
-No, sir.-I hope he's all right.
Well, you betterwake everybody up.
Everybody, sir?
Yeah, everybody.What's the matter?
Well, it's just
it's gonna be kinda hardto wake up Major Winchester
'cause he went out
with Father Mulcahy.
He didn't.
Okay, but he did.
What the hell does thatjackass think he's doin'?
Well, he said he could
make a better deal.
Some deal. Now I'm notonly out of pentothal,
I'm short a surgeon too.
-Yes, sir.
-Damn!
[speaking Korean]
[shouting in Korean]
CHARLES: Start the engine!Why don't you start the engine?
MULCAHY: Where isthe starter on this thing?
We're dead men. Yes, we are.
We're dead men. Oh, dead.
-[engine starts]
-Well, go! Go! Go!
[Charles laughing]
That'll teach you!Confidence men! Barbarians!
Confidence rejects! Ha ha!Remember the Boston Tea Party!
Burns. Second and third
degree. Dress him.
We'll debride him laterif necessary.
Get some more pressure
on that dressing,
then a slug of morphine. Go!
-Radar!
-Yes, sir.
Let me knowwhen Winchester shows up.
I'm gonna duck walk
his carcass
from now until
St. Swithin's Day.
Yes, sir.
We're just fooling ourselveshere, Colonel.
Well, keep at it.
It's all we've got.
Unit of plasma.If we're out of that, I quit.
-Get 'im inside.
-[horn beeping]
What in the Sam Hill
is that?
We got it! Pentothal!
Seven boxes!
Come on, people!
Let's unload her!
-[laughing]-Father, let me be the first.
-[laughing]
-Hey, wait a minute.
What about me?
I'm not hugging youtill you put something on.
Now, at the risk
of sounding ungrateful,
where in the blazes
is my jeep?
Well, certain sacrificeshad to be made.
[groans]
Tell me about it.
Winchester, that's
very appealing,
but put on a gown!
-We need you in O.R.
-Oh, of course.
No rest for the brave
and resourceful.
He was a real blessingout there, Colonel,
and, God willing, I'll neverbe blessed with him again.
Amen. All right,
everybody, let's move it.
We got a long stretch ahead.
-NURSE: Ready, doctor.-B.J.: Ah, what a pleasure.
Scalpel. No muss. No fuss.
Just rock-a-bye baby,
and out they go.
No more patients looking
over your shoulder
while you work on theirs.
No more etherto breathe.
And we can heat up
without blowing up.
I'd say, considering
the circumstances,
we're all about as
happy as we could be.
Oh, my wine.
[theme music playing]