M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 8 - Change Day - full transcript
Klinger says he grew up over the weekend and is wearing his Army uniform. Potter is tickled; he cannot wait to laugh over the latest Lebanese lunacy...until Potter gets a letter that pertains to West Point. Colonel Mike Abrams at HQ announces Army scrip change (from blue to red) will take place the following day. The 4077 will be on "lockdown" at 1600 hours while scrip exchange takes place. A bald Bostonian bunko artist gets Mr. Kim to tailor his suit and refuses to pay unless Mr. Kim helps him defraud friends and villagers. Mr. Kim appeals to Hawkeye and BJ for help. An MP named Boone is in post-op; his friend, Sgt. Maxwell thanks Hawkeye and BJ for saving his friend's life. Maxwell offers to do them a favor any time. When Boone's $400 in old scrip goes missing, Father Mulcahy is outraged and blasts the camp from his PA pulpit. With a bit of luck and a lot of help from friends, the zany surgeons enact their own take on Scripture and give a brief demonstration of what the Lord will giveth and what the Lord will taketh away.
♪♪ [theme]
Sir.
Corporal Klinger reporting
as ordered, sir.
Yeah, I've signed about
four miles of paperwork.
-Get it started to Seoul.
-Right away, sir.
Give those mice
at Headquarters
something to nibble on.
And I-- Klinger,
you're out of uniform.
I mean, uh,
you're inuniform.
-Yes, sir.
-Was it something I said?
-No, sir.
-Listen, if it's about
that backless green sheath
you wore on Friday,
I only criticized it
because it was too tight.
-That's all behind me, sir.
-It certainly was.
I sort of grew up
over the weekend, sir.
I realized I lovearmy life,
and I wanna be a success
at it, sir.
And this is a way
to start, sir.
Klinger...
-This is another Section Eight
caper, right?
-No, sir.
We've staggered down
this road before.
You've got
a razzle-dazzle going.
-Wrong, sir, respectfully.
-I'm gonna love this one.
-It's got a lot
of reverse topspin.
-[phone ringing]
4077 MASH,
Corporal Klinger.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!
Headquarters,
Colonel Abrams.
Hi, Mike.
What's the poop?
Tomorrow, huh? What?
Yeah, sure.
Perimeter roadblocks.
M.P.s will oversee it.
Okay, we'll cooperate.
Adios.
All right, General Gung Ho.
We got a job.
Headquarters is gonna issue
new military money.
-We're exchanging
scrip again, sir?
-Got to.
Only way to cross up
the counterfeiters
and the black marketeers.
Therefore, this base
will be closed to all
traffic, in or out
starting 1600 hours tomorrow.
-No exceptions, comprende?
-Si, si, sir.
I better make an announcement.
Give everybody time
to dig out their old blue money
and exchange it for red.
After tomorrow,
blue will be outdated.
Worth zilch!
Permission to take
a ten-minute break, sir.
-Granted. Why?
-I'd like to get in some
close order drill before lunch.
-Ten-hut!
-[heels click]
About face! Forward, march!
Hep, ho, hep, ho...
It's gotta be a caper.
-120/60.
-Is that good, Doc?
Better than mine.
For your condition,
you're in great condition.
Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to talk to that man.
Sarge, if you wanna arrest
that guy, you're gonna have
to wait about six weeks.
-No, sir. He's a buddy of mine.
-Oh, then go ahead.
-How ya feelin', Boone?
-[chuckles] All in one piece.
Nurses told me they had you
on that operating table
for quite a while.
He was a good boy.
He slept through
the whole thing.
And while he slept,
we discovered shrapnel
on his property.
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
This is Colonel Potter.
-Prove it.
-Tomorrow we'll be issued
new army money. Red for blue.
Have all your old scrip
ready for the exchange
or the only place
you'll be able to use it
is in the latrine.
He's not talking to me.
I lost all my money
in the cockroach races.
-I told you to stay
away from the track.
-How could I? It's in my bunk!
Hey, Maxwell.
I got 400 I won in a crap game.
Could you exchange it for me?
I'm kinda laid up.
Oh, in that case, sure.
I appreciate what you
gentlemen did for him.
By the way, my name is Maxwell.
If there's anything I can
do for you, just let me know.
How about arresting this war
for disturbing the peace?
That is very nice, Mr. Kim.
My compliments
to your talented fingers.
I tailoring very goodly
for Winchester sansen.
[chuckling]
Goodly, indeed.
Coat fits good
over shoulder.
Pants fit cute
over tushy.
-That's terribly
colorful, Mr. Kim.
-Roger Wilcox.
Thirty-six bucks.
You pay now.
Mr. Kim, I have an idea
that will mean much more money
than that for the both of us.
I have a proposition.
Thirty-three bucks.
Mr. Kim, listen.
Tomorrow the army
is calling in old scrip.
Ah, yeah. Red for blue.
That news all over town.
That scrip is meant only
for military personnel.
It's not meant for your people.
However, I'm prepared
to overlook that.
-In fact, I am prepared
to help them.
-What kind of help?
Tomorrow, Mr. Kim,
we buy up from your people
all the old scrip
before the deadline,
not quite at face value.
How much not quite?
Ten cents on the dollar.
-Savvy?
-I savvy.
Ninety percent profit
for you.
Two percent of that
is for you, Mr. Kim.
Oh, you big sport.
Thirty bucks.
Mr. Kim, I need your help.
Why you do this?
You loaded American.
Buy tailor-made clothes.
Please, 29 bucks.
Mr. Kim!
It's not the money.
It's the hunt.
It's the challenge of scenting
the spoor of opportunity
and tracking it down.
Besides, we're merely
acting as business agents
for your people.
They're not allowed
on the base.
After tomorrow,
the old scrip is worthless.
We're doing them a big favor.
Mr. Kim honest man.
No can make phony baloney
with my people.
Please, $28.
Mr. Kim,
it is either a check now
that may take the rest
of the war to clear,
or cash tomorrow if you
help with my little plan.
What time
we leave tomorrow?
I think I got
a counterfeit bill.
Looks legit to me.
A perfect likeness
of Mao Tse-tung.
I don't know.
"In Buddha we trust"?
-Ah, Mr. Kim.
-Of Hart, Schaffner and Kim.
Hawkeye sansen.
B.J. sansen.
Are you adding to
the Winchester wardrobe?
I add to his wardrobe,
but he no add to my pocket.
-He didn't pay you?
-He only pay me compliment.
Holding money back until
I help him with big deal.
What's the big deal?
All around my village,
they got old money.
He make me take him tomorrow.
Buy one dollar scrip from
people and pay only ten cents.
-You, uh...
-Yeah.
You hang on, Mr. Kim.
We'll see what we can do.
Mr. Kim very grateful.
Dress shirt in it
for both of you.
-How about that?
-Charles is just what
this place needs,
-a robber baron
who makes house calls.
-It's greed.
He's basically a greedy fink.
All we need is a way
to sink that fink.
Where'd you get
all this money, kid?
Nine straight passes.
Then someone rolled
a grenade in the game,
and we all crapped out.
-Well, this will all be
new scrip tomorrow. Gotta run.
-[chuckles]
Sergeant, we'd like to
take you up on that favor.
-Name it.
-We want you to play a game
of cops and robbers tomorrow.
-We'll supply the robber.
-Where?
-A couple of miles out of camp.
-Well, what time?
-About 1500, 1600 hours.
-Give or take a hundred hours.
Ah, sorry, guys. I can't.
I gotta be here to exchange
Boone's scrip.
Well, I tell you what.
You do us our favor,
and we'll do you his favor.
We love to exchange favors.
Okay with you, Boone?
I guess so.
I trusted them with my life.
You got a deal.
-May I join you, Father?
-Mm, of course.
I just want to pay you
the money I owe you.
Oh, w-well, sit right here.
Thanks. And bless you
for an honest woman.
[chuckles]
Oh, uh, don't you
owe me another 10?
-No.
-Oops! Sorry. [chuckles]
They were stuck together.
-Ah, shearing
the flock again, Father?
-Yes.
And I was one of the lambs.
He clipped me for 23 bucks.
[laughs] As a matter of fact,
she was holding a straight
and tried to sandbag me.
I had a full house.
But it's all worthwhile,
mind you.
For the children's
Christmas fund.
I can see it all now.
Father Mulcahy,
Bishop of Las Vegas.
-[laughing]
-Ah, look who's here.
-Oh, hi, Colonel.
-Hello, Colonel.
-You'll never believe
what I'm gonna tell you.
-Then why listen? Where were we?
Pierce, sometimes you
can be very amusing.
And then there's now.
Ah. Sorry.
I have an order
from Headquarters
to give an entrance
examination to West Point to--
Are you ready for this?
Corporal Max Klinger.
-You're right.
I don't believe it.
-West Point?
That's impossible.
God works
in mysterious ways,
but this is a corker.
By special messenger yet.
Obviously, some Toledo
politician has gone wacko!
Ah, how time flies.
One day our little brown-eyed
girl is running around
in a big floppy hat
and a beard,
and the next day,
she's off to West Point.
He did it.
That brilliant screwball
finally did it.
He's getting out of the service
by joining the army.
To think that loony bird
will be attending
the same school
that produced MacArthur
and myDonald.
Makes me want to retch.
Yeah, how could Klinger
pick a place like that?
-You!
-I take it back!
I take it back!
Hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho,
hep, ho, hep, ho! Detail, halt!
There's
"Old Nose and Guts" now.
Oh, Field Marshal?
Sir!
-You wanted me, sir?
-Klinger?
Your application to be tested
for West Point has been
green-lighted.
Excellent, sir.
A plebe at last, sir.
-When do I leave, sir?
-As soon as you knock off
the "sirs" and pass the test!
Child's play for a cadet.
-Congratulations, my boy.
-Thank you, Father.
Klinger, how did
you pull it off?
It was my Uncle Gus, sir.
That the uncle that got
out of World War I
-as your Aunt Gussie?
-Yes, sir.
He's, uh, "good buddies"
with a certain congressman.
And catered
the St. Valentine's Day
Massacre.
He's a biggie, sir.
Connections.
Why is it
always connections?
Sure.
Uncle Gus calls congressman.
Congressman calls Pentagon.
And voila. The debutante
with the hairy legs
becomes a cadet.
All right, Klinger.
Get ready for the exam.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir!
Thank you, sir!
I think we have a wonderful
chance of beating Navy
this year, sir.
-More than dismissed!
-[heels click]
I'd have thought my horse
would have a better chance
of getting into West Point.
-On looks alone.
-Probably figured
it was easier...
to get thrown out
of West Point than Korea.
Sure. First exam
they give him, he cheats.
They catch him, throw him out,
and he's free.
He's not there yet.
They don't just let in
any Tom, Dick and Mary.
Imagine, a chance
to go to the Point.
Keep your hopes up.
Maybe someday they'll
let in women.
Oh, wouldn't that
be wonderful?
Oh, yeah. It would give
a whole new meaning
to "lights out."
Hey, Zale, where's my money?
I'm goin' on R and R.
Oh, yeah. Sure, kid.
Here, hold this.
That's, uh...
five, 10, 20.
There you go.
Do everything I'll be
dreamin' to do.
Hmm.
Wait a second, Zale.
You said double or nothing.
Where's the other 20?
-I said double or nothin'
to 10.
-Twenty, you welsher!
-Ten, you thief!
-You wanna hold it down.
We're trying to swallow.
-Thief?
-Sorry. Rotten crook!
Here. Eat those words!
I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Why do they always start
the show during dinner?
-Let's stop them
before they get hurt.
-I hate the sight of ketchup.
[shouting]
Break it up!
Yes, sir, as soon
as I rearrange his teeth!
Zale, those who live
by the sword shall perish
by the sword.
Aw, forget it, Father.
I'm just gonna break
the jawbone of an ass!
-You take Zsa Zsa.
I'll get Eva.
-Come on.
Come on, come on.
Break it up.
You two palookas are confined
to quarters for 48 hours.
But I'm going
on R and R, sir.
Would you like to try
for double or nothing?
-No, sir.
-Then hit the showers.
Rest of you, as you were.
Come on!
Well, that got us
out of dinner, anyway.
Shall we pass up dessert?
It's marble cake.
-I didn't bring my chisel.
-Race you to the latrine.
Oh, wait a minute.
That guy's money. Wait a sec.
Anybody see a canvas bag?
Anybody see somebody
steala canvas bag?
Anybody ever see a captain
chew up a tent?
-Charles...
-Don't bother asking, Pierce.
The answer's still no.
How do you know
I'm gonna ask for money again?
-Oh. All right. What is it?
-Can I borrow 400?
Pierce, for the last time,
all my money is tied up
in a financial venture.
Give an I.O.U.
to your patient
but don't penalize me
for your gross negligence,
your bungling carelessness,
your stupid--
I need a loan, not a lecture.
Forget it.
Yeah, he wouldn't take
your money if you got
on your hands and knees.
Wait a minute.
Not so fast. Try me.
I will see you later
at the exchange, Pierce,
if, of course,
you don't lose your way.
[mocking chuckle]
Yeah, a fool and his money
have just departed.
What am I gonna do?
I can't beg, I can't borrow,
I can't catch the guy
who knows how to steal.
If you're Charles,
you just give the patient
a bill for 400 and call
the whole thing even.
I'm gonna go in there
and tell Boone the truth.
I better go alone.
There's no sense his
beating up the both of us.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Exchange of scrip
will begin at 1600 hours.
Bring your cash
before it turns to trash.
Come, Mr. Kim.
We haven't much time.
Just keep my shirt on.
-How you feeling, Boone?
-Better. Thanks.
Better. Good.
That's good. Good.
-Good.
-Everything okay, Doc?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good. Very good.
Well, no, not so good.
Uh, actually, it stinks.
[sighs] Boone, somebody
stole your money.
-What?
-There was a fight
in the Mess Tent.
I turned my back
for two seconds,
and the bag was gone.
You telling me
I'm out 400?
No, you're fine.
I'm out 400.
I'll wire my father
and have it for you
in a couple of days.
Oh, sure. They're shipping
me out tomorrow.
-I'll send it to you.
-Yeah.
And you'll go out of
your way to get it to me.
-Right?
-That's right. Yes.
Doc, don't try to con an M.P.
I've seen scams
like this before,
and from higher-ranking
officers than you!
If I weren't flat on my back,
you'd be flat on yours.
-Boone, I give you my word.
-Aw, get out of here, phony!
All right,
you believe what you want.
You're gonna get
that money back,
whether you like it or not.
Hawkeye, I heard
about the $400,
and I am shocked!
-Father, he'll get it back.
-Well, I know he will,
but I'm appalled
at this venal breach
of one of God's commandments.
I'm going to broadcast
an appeal to the conscience
of the thief.
Just in case,
tell him there's a five-dollar
reward in it for him.
[clears throat, blows]
Attention, all personnel.
Well, uh, not all personnel.
This is Father Mulcahy,
addressing the one personnel
who stole the money
entrusted to Captain Pierce.
You may think you've reaped
a profit by this act,
but as ye sow,
so shall ye reap!
Robbery itself is a sin,
but robbery
of your comrades-in-arms
is an abomination before the
Lord and a really dirty trick!
-That should do it, Father.
-Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord!
-Oh, ye generation of vipers!
-I think that did it.
And he who blasphemeth
against the Holy Spirit
better that man
had never been born!
-We're a little late,
so good night, folks.
-Uh, yes.
Well, uh, bless one and all.
[switch clicks]
Uh, how'd I do?
Father, if that guy doesn't
return the 400, he's deaf.
Ninety-two, ninety-three
ninety-four, ninety-five.
You've only got
95 scrip dollars here, fellow.
But I can be generous.
Here is a brand-new, crisp,
Yankee ten-dollar bill.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen.
With all due respect
to your national custom,
could we all please
hold the bowing to a minimum?
Just one sort of group bow
when I leave.
Thank you very much.
Now, is there anyone
I haven't changed?
I think Major
finish off all people.
Good, because I have
to be getting back.
Thank you all, gentlemen,
very much.
I hope this little
transaction has helped to
cement the bonds of friendship
between our two great nations.
Very well.
Now you may bow.
-Ha so.
-Thank you.
Why can't they just shake hands
like everybody else?
-[engine starts]
-Au revoir.
That G.I. Joe your friend?
I only make tailoring
for him.
May the seat of his pants
turn into scorpion.
Corporal Klinger, sir.
Ready to take
the West Point exam.
-All right, Klinger.
Sit right there.
-Yes, sir.
Ready! Sit!
Ready, sir.
This examination will
consist of several parts
covering general intelligence,
math, history, geography,
world politics,
the role of the military
in national development,
and the law.
I'm kind of weak on law.
But very strong on
getting around it.
You have three hours
to complete the questions.
B.J. and I
will be proctoring you.
I already had
my physical, sir!
-Ahem! All set?
-Oh, yes, sir.
[clears throat]
Okay. Go.
And good luck.
"Mary's mother
sent her to the store
"to get nine
large cans of beans.
"Mary could only carry
two cans at a time.
How many trips to the store
did Mary have to make?"
-Sir, do I get time
for coffee breaks?
-Negative.
-You have three hours.
-It'll take most of that
to answer this question.
What kind of a family
would only feed their
children beans?
Sorry, Major.
No vehicles beyond this point.
"No vehicles beyond..."
That's utterly ridiculous!
Well, the road's
been mined, sir.
Now, look here, uh, Sergeant.
I'm with the, uh,
4077 MASH,
and I have to get back
for a very important operation.
I'm a surgeon. You see?
Well, I've got my orders, sir.
Look, Sergeant.
It is imperative
that I rejoin my unit!
Sir, the 4077 is over there,
just the other side of the hill.
If you start walking,
you can probably be there
in about an hour.
I haven't got an hour.
Well, then you'd
better run, sir.
Don't get impudent with me.
Just trying to be
helpful, sir.
This is without a doubt
the most inconvenient war
in history.
Sir, I don't understand
this question.
It's perfectly
understandable
to me, Klinger.
"Describe the political
changes which came about
as a result of Napoleon's
defeat at the Battle
of Waterloo."
That's an illegal
trick question.
Klinger, what happened
after the Battle of Waterloo?
Well, uh, soldiers went home.
The kids were glad
to see their fathers.
The wives were glad
to see their husbands.
They ate some snails
and like that.
And we thought
he didn't know the answer.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Wheelbarrow lady!
4077? MASH?
-[speaking Korean]
-You're sure?
-[speaking Korean]
-Thank you.
Thank you, little mother.
For your trouble.
Bless you.
"Physical similarities
have been noted
"between the Eskimos
of the Arctic
"and Mayan Indians
of the Southern Hemisphere.
Give three theories
for this 'phenomenum.'"
-Traveling salesmen?
-Now I'llhave a drink.
Could you give me
a little hint?
Any help at all.
It's an exam, Klinger.
It's against the rules.
Oh, what kind
of a test is this?
Math, geography, history.
Why don't they ask me
what kind of earrings
to wear for
an afternoon drill
or how to accessorize
those drab gray tunics?
They save that important stuff
till your senior year.
Sir, I'm pleading with you.
Help me get
just one thing right.
All right.
I shouldn't do this.
You spell Klinger
with one "G."
Oh. Thank you, sir.
I was nervous.
-Now, about these Eskimos.
-No dice, kid.
You mean I've washed out?
First thing you
got right all day.
MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange will begin
in one minute.
Proceed in a calm and orderly
fashion to the exchange table.
[shouting]
WOMAN: Watch your hands!
Well, I got 45 bucks of my own.
At least I can give Boone
a down payment.
Cheer up.
You're no worse off
than Charles.
I hope that's one
crook we've caught.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange
is now under way.
No one allowed in or out
until exchange is completed.
-[whistle blows]
-Halt!
Halt? What do you mean?
What do you mean, "Halt"?
"Halt," as in
"stop," sir!
-I-I'm coming in immediately.
-Belay that, sir!
No one allowed aboard
till further notice.
Orders from the bridge, sir!
-Bridge?
-Aye, aye, sir.
Nonsense!
What are you doing in a hat?
I expect to be a midshipman
at Annapolis very soon, sir.
I think we have a wonderful
chance to beat Army this year.
Get out of the way, Popeye!
Permission to come aboard
denied, sir!
I've got to exchange all this!
-You can deep-six it, sir.
-Pierce, Hunnicutt,
will you tell this saltwater
daffy to let me in!
Sorry, his job is to
keep out the riff-raff
and the profiteers.
If I don't get in
to exchange this,
it will all be worthless!
Will you gentlemen
exchange this for me?
Oh, no. You see,
that's against the rules.
Well, wait a minute.
Maybe we could bend
the rules just a tad.
-You think so? Well...
-Let me see what you got.
Uh, those bundles, uh,
are bills in hundred-dollar
increments.
Okay. At ten cents
on the dollar
that comes out
to $40 for 400.
-Forty?
-That's right. Boone gets his,
and you get yours.
You keep this
with our compliments.
Why, this is highway robbery!
-Oh, uh, Shore Patrol.
-Aye, aye, sir!
Would you take care of this man?
He wants to report a crime.
Now, what's
your problem, sir?
Three fifty,
three seventy-five,
$400 in brand-new scrip,
hot off the press.
Boy, I never expected
to see this again, or you.
Hey, I'm-- I'm sorry
for what I said, Doc.
I don't blame you.
It's probably my shifty eyes
and the white mask I wear.
Hawkeye! The money!
It was returned!
Somebody left the money
in my tent,
and in brand-new scrip.
-My speech worked.
-It certainly did, Father.
Look at this.
Another 400 from another thief.
My. Two atonements,
with one speech.
Why don't you keep this,
Father?
Take the orphans out
for dinner and a show.
Oh, why,
thank you, Hawkeye.
My goodness.
It was effective, wasn't it?
"Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord."
"Oh, ye generation of vipers."
There goes a sweet,
lovable ham.
Hawkeye?
Perhaps I could broadcast
every Sunday.
Yes. A commandment a week!
I wonder if
thou shouldst.
Well, it was just a thought.
♪♪ [theme]
Sir.
Corporal Klinger reporting
as ordered, sir.
Yeah, I've signed about
four miles of paperwork.
-Get it started to Seoul.
-Right away, sir.
Give those mice
at Headquarters
something to nibble on.
And I-- Klinger,
you're out of uniform.
I mean, uh,
you're inuniform.
-Yes, sir.
-Was it something I said?
-No, sir.
-Listen, if it's about
that backless green sheath
you wore on Friday,
I only criticized it
because it was too tight.
-That's all behind me, sir.
-It certainly was.
I sort of grew up
over the weekend, sir.
I realized I lovearmy life,
and I wanna be a success
at it, sir.
And this is a way
to start, sir.
Klinger...
-This is another Section Eight
caper, right?
-No, sir.
We've staggered down
this road before.
You've got
a razzle-dazzle going.
-Wrong, sir, respectfully.
-I'm gonna love this one.
-It's got a lot
of reverse topspin.
-[phone ringing]
4077 MASH,
Corporal Klinger.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!
Headquarters,
Colonel Abrams.
Hi, Mike.
What's the poop?
Tomorrow, huh? What?
Yeah, sure.
Perimeter roadblocks.
M.P.s will oversee it.
Okay, we'll cooperate.
Adios.
All right, General Gung Ho.
We got a job.
Headquarters is gonna issue
new military money.
-We're exchanging
scrip again, sir?
-Got to.
Only way to cross up
the counterfeiters
and the black marketeers.
Therefore, this base
will be closed to all
traffic, in or out
starting 1600 hours tomorrow.
-No exceptions, comprende?
-Si, si, sir.
I better make an announcement.
Give everybody time
to dig out their old blue money
and exchange it for red.
After tomorrow,
blue will be outdated.
Worth zilch!
Permission to take
a ten-minute break, sir.
-Granted. Why?
-I'd like to get in some
close order drill before lunch.
-Ten-hut!
-[heels click]
About face! Forward, march!
Hep, ho, hep, ho...
It's gotta be a caper.
-120/60.
-Is that good, Doc?
Better than mine.
For your condition,
you're in great condition.
Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to talk to that man.
Sarge, if you wanna arrest
that guy, you're gonna have
to wait about six weeks.
-No, sir. He's a buddy of mine.
-Oh, then go ahead.
-How ya feelin', Boone?
-[chuckles] All in one piece.
Nurses told me they had you
on that operating table
for quite a while.
He was a good boy.
He slept through
the whole thing.
And while he slept,
we discovered shrapnel
on his property.
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
This is Colonel Potter.
-Prove it.
-Tomorrow we'll be issued
new army money. Red for blue.
Have all your old scrip
ready for the exchange
or the only place
you'll be able to use it
is in the latrine.
He's not talking to me.
I lost all my money
in the cockroach races.
-I told you to stay
away from the track.
-How could I? It's in my bunk!
Hey, Maxwell.
I got 400 I won in a crap game.
Could you exchange it for me?
I'm kinda laid up.
Oh, in that case, sure.
I appreciate what you
gentlemen did for him.
By the way, my name is Maxwell.
If there's anything I can
do for you, just let me know.
How about arresting this war
for disturbing the peace?
That is very nice, Mr. Kim.
My compliments
to your talented fingers.
I tailoring very goodly
for Winchester sansen.
[chuckling]
Goodly, indeed.
Coat fits good
over shoulder.
Pants fit cute
over tushy.
-That's terribly
colorful, Mr. Kim.
-Roger Wilcox.
Thirty-six bucks.
You pay now.
Mr. Kim, I have an idea
that will mean much more money
than that for the both of us.
I have a proposition.
Thirty-three bucks.
Mr. Kim, listen.
Tomorrow the army
is calling in old scrip.
Ah, yeah. Red for blue.
That news all over town.
That scrip is meant only
for military personnel.
It's not meant for your people.
However, I'm prepared
to overlook that.
-In fact, I am prepared
to help them.
-What kind of help?
Tomorrow, Mr. Kim,
we buy up from your people
all the old scrip
before the deadline,
not quite at face value.
How much not quite?
Ten cents on the dollar.
-Savvy?
-I savvy.
Ninety percent profit
for you.
Two percent of that
is for you, Mr. Kim.
Oh, you big sport.
Thirty bucks.
Mr. Kim, I need your help.
Why you do this?
You loaded American.
Buy tailor-made clothes.
Please, 29 bucks.
Mr. Kim!
It's not the money.
It's the hunt.
It's the challenge of scenting
the spoor of opportunity
and tracking it down.
Besides, we're merely
acting as business agents
for your people.
They're not allowed
on the base.
After tomorrow,
the old scrip is worthless.
We're doing them a big favor.
Mr. Kim honest man.
No can make phony baloney
with my people.
Please, $28.
Mr. Kim,
it is either a check now
that may take the rest
of the war to clear,
or cash tomorrow if you
help with my little plan.
What time
we leave tomorrow?
I think I got
a counterfeit bill.
Looks legit to me.
A perfect likeness
of Mao Tse-tung.
I don't know.
"In Buddha we trust"?
-Ah, Mr. Kim.
-Of Hart, Schaffner and Kim.
Hawkeye sansen.
B.J. sansen.
Are you adding to
the Winchester wardrobe?
I add to his wardrobe,
but he no add to my pocket.
-He didn't pay you?
-He only pay me compliment.
Holding money back until
I help him with big deal.
What's the big deal?
All around my village,
they got old money.
He make me take him tomorrow.
Buy one dollar scrip from
people and pay only ten cents.
-You, uh...
-Yeah.
You hang on, Mr. Kim.
We'll see what we can do.
Mr. Kim very grateful.
Dress shirt in it
for both of you.
-How about that?
-Charles is just what
this place needs,
-a robber baron
who makes house calls.
-It's greed.
He's basically a greedy fink.
All we need is a way
to sink that fink.
Where'd you get
all this money, kid?
Nine straight passes.
Then someone rolled
a grenade in the game,
and we all crapped out.
-Well, this will all be
new scrip tomorrow. Gotta run.
-[chuckles]
Sergeant, we'd like to
take you up on that favor.
-Name it.
-We want you to play a game
of cops and robbers tomorrow.
-We'll supply the robber.
-Where?
-A couple of miles out of camp.
-Well, what time?
-About 1500, 1600 hours.
-Give or take a hundred hours.
Ah, sorry, guys. I can't.
I gotta be here to exchange
Boone's scrip.
Well, I tell you what.
You do us our favor,
and we'll do you his favor.
We love to exchange favors.
Okay with you, Boone?
I guess so.
I trusted them with my life.
You got a deal.
-May I join you, Father?
-Mm, of course.
I just want to pay you
the money I owe you.
Oh, w-well, sit right here.
Thanks. And bless you
for an honest woman.
[chuckles]
Oh, uh, don't you
owe me another 10?
-No.
-Oops! Sorry. [chuckles]
They were stuck together.
-Ah, shearing
the flock again, Father?
-Yes.
And I was one of the lambs.
He clipped me for 23 bucks.
[laughs] As a matter of fact,
she was holding a straight
and tried to sandbag me.
I had a full house.
But it's all worthwhile,
mind you.
For the children's
Christmas fund.
I can see it all now.
Father Mulcahy,
Bishop of Las Vegas.
-[laughing]
-Ah, look who's here.
-Oh, hi, Colonel.
-Hello, Colonel.
-You'll never believe
what I'm gonna tell you.
-Then why listen? Where were we?
Pierce, sometimes you
can be very amusing.
And then there's now.
Ah. Sorry.
I have an order
from Headquarters
to give an entrance
examination to West Point to--
Are you ready for this?
Corporal Max Klinger.
-You're right.
I don't believe it.
-West Point?
That's impossible.
God works
in mysterious ways,
but this is a corker.
By special messenger yet.
Obviously, some Toledo
politician has gone wacko!
Ah, how time flies.
One day our little brown-eyed
girl is running around
in a big floppy hat
and a beard,
and the next day,
she's off to West Point.
He did it.
That brilliant screwball
finally did it.
He's getting out of the service
by joining the army.
To think that loony bird
will be attending
the same school
that produced MacArthur
and myDonald.
Makes me want to retch.
Yeah, how could Klinger
pick a place like that?
-You!
-I take it back!
I take it back!
Hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho,
hep, ho, hep, ho! Detail, halt!
There's
"Old Nose and Guts" now.
Oh, Field Marshal?
Sir!
-You wanted me, sir?
-Klinger?
Your application to be tested
for West Point has been
green-lighted.
Excellent, sir.
A plebe at last, sir.
-When do I leave, sir?
-As soon as you knock off
the "sirs" and pass the test!
Child's play for a cadet.
-Congratulations, my boy.
-Thank you, Father.
Klinger, how did
you pull it off?
It was my Uncle Gus, sir.
That the uncle that got
out of World War I
-as your Aunt Gussie?
-Yes, sir.
He's, uh, "good buddies"
with a certain congressman.
And catered
the St. Valentine's Day
Massacre.
He's a biggie, sir.
Connections.
Why is it
always connections?
Sure.
Uncle Gus calls congressman.
Congressman calls Pentagon.
And voila. The debutante
with the hairy legs
becomes a cadet.
All right, Klinger.
Get ready for the exam.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir!
Thank you, sir!
I think we have a wonderful
chance of beating Navy
this year, sir.
-More than dismissed!
-[heels click]
I'd have thought my horse
would have a better chance
of getting into West Point.
-On looks alone.
-Probably figured
it was easier...
to get thrown out
of West Point than Korea.
Sure. First exam
they give him, he cheats.
They catch him, throw him out,
and he's free.
He's not there yet.
They don't just let in
any Tom, Dick and Mary.
Imagine, a chance
to go to the Point.
Keep your hopes up.
Maybe someday they'll
let in women.
Oh, wouldn't that
be wonderful?
Oh, yeah. It would give
a whole new meaning
to "lights out."
Hey, Zale, where's my money?
I'm goin' on R and R.
Oh, yeah. Sure, kid.
Here, hold this.
That's, uh...
five, 10, 20.
There you go.
Do everything I'll be
dreamin' to do.
Hmm.
Wait a second, Zale.
You said double or nothing.
Where's the other 20?
-I said double or nothin'
to 10.
-Twenty, you welsher!
-Ten, you thief!
-You wanna hold it down.
We're trying to swallow.
-Thief?
-Sorry. Rotten crook!
Here. Eat those words!
I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Why do they always start
the show during dinner?
-Let's stop them
before they get hurt.
-I hate the sight of ketchup.
[shouting]
Break it up!
Yes, sir, as soon
as I rearrange his teeth!
Zale, those who live
by the sword shall perish
by the sword.
Aw, forget it, Father.
I'm just gonna break
the jawbone of an ass!
-You take Zsa Zsa.
I'll get Eva.
-Come on.
Come on, come on.
Break it up.
You two palookas are confined
to quarters for 48 hours.
But I'm going
on R and R, sir.
Would you like to try
for double or nothing?
-No, sir.
-Then hit the showers.
Rest of you, as you were.
Come on!
Well, that got us
out of dinner, anyway.
Shall we pass up dessert?
It's marble cake.
-I didn't bring my chisel.
-Race you to the latrine.
Oh, wait a minute.
That guy's money. Wait a sec.
Anybody see a canvas bag?
Anybody see somebody
steala canvas bag?
Anybody ever see a captain
chew up a tent?
-Charles...
-Don't bother asking, Pierce.
The answer's still no.
How do you know
I'm gonna ask for money again?
-Oh. All right. What is it?
-Can I borrow 400?
Pierce, for the last time,
all my money is tied up
in a financial venture.
Give an I.O.U.
to your patient
but don't penalize me
for your gross negligence,
your bungling carelessness,
your stupid--
I need a loan, not a lecture.
Forget it.
Yeah, he wouldn't take
your money if you got
on your hands and knees.
Wait a minute.
Not so fast. Try me.
I will see you later
at the exchange, Pierce,
if, of course,
you don't lose your way.
[mocking chuckle]
Yeah, a fool and his money
have just departed.
What am I gonna do?
I can't beg, I can't borrow,
I can't catch the guy
who knows how to steal.
If you're Charles,
you just give the patient
a bill for 400 and call
the whole thing even.
I'm gonna go in there
and tell Boone the truth.
I better go alone.
There's no sense his
beating up the both of us.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Exchange of scrip
will begin at 1600 hours.
Bring your cash
before it turns to trash.
Come, Mr. Kim.
We haven't much time.
Just keep my shirt on.
-How you feeling, Boone?
-Better. Thanks.
Better. Good.
That's good. Good.
-Good.
-Everything okay, Doc?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good. Very good.
Well, no, not so good.
Uh, actually, it stinks.
[sighs] Boone, somebody
stole your money.
-What?
-There was a fight
in the Mess Tent.
I turned my back
for two seconds,
and the bag was gone.
You telling me
I'm out 400?
No, you're fine.
I'm out 400.
I'll wire my father
and have it for you
in a couple of days.
Oh, sure. They're shipping
me out tomorrow.
-I'll send it to you.
-Yeah.
And you'll go out of
your way to get it to me.
-Right?
-That's right. Yes.
Doc, don't try to con an M.P.
I've seen scams
like this before,
and from higher-ranking
officers than you!
If I weren't flat on my back,
you'd be flat on yours.
-Boone, I give you my word.
-Aw, get out of here, phony!
All right,
you believe what you want.
You're gonna get
that money back,
whether you like it or not.
Hawkeye, I heard
about the $400,
and I am shocked!
-Father, he'll get it back.
-Well, I know he will,
but I'm appalled
at this venal breach
of one of God's commandments.
I'm going to broadcast
an appeal to the conscience
of the thief.
Just in case,
tell him there's a five-dollar
reward in it for him.
[clears throat, blows]
Attention, all personnel.
Well, uh, not all personnel.
This is Father Mulcahy,
addressing the one personnel
who stole the money
entrusted to Captain Pierce.
You may think you've reaped
a profit by this act,
but as ye sow,
so shall ye reap!
Robbery itself is a sin,
but robbery
of your comrades-in-arms
is an abomination before the
Lord and a really dirty trick!
-That should do it, Father.
-Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord!
-Oh, ye generation of vipers!
-I think that did it.
And he who blasphemeth
against the Holy Spirit
better that man
had never been born!
-We're a little late,
so good night, folks.
-Uh, yes.
Well, uh, bless one and all.
[switch clicks]
Uh, how'd I do?
Father, if that guy doesn't
return the 400, he's deaf.
Ninety-two, ninety-three
ninety-four, ninety-five.
You've only got
95 scrip dollars here, fellow.
But I can be generous.
Here is a brand-new, crisp,
Yankee ten-dollar bill.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen.
With all due respect
to your national custom,
could we all please
hold the bowing to a minimum?
Just one sort of group bow
when I leave.
Thank you very much.
Now, is there anyone
I haven't changed?
I think Major
finish off all people.
Good, because I have
to be getting back.
Thank you all, gentlemen,
very much.
I hope this little
transaction has helped to
cement the bonds of friendship
between our two great nations.
Very well.
Now you may bow.
-Ha so.
-Thank you.
Why can't they just shake hands
like everybody else?
-[engine starts]
-Au revoir.
That G.I. Joe your friend?
I only make tailoring
for him.
May the seat of his pants
turn into scorpion.
Corporal Klinger, sir.
Ready to take
the West Point exam.
-All right, Klinger.
Sit right there.
-Yes, sir.
Ready! Sit!
Ready, sir.
This examination will
consist of several parts
covering general intelligence,
math, history, geography,
world politics,
the role of the military
in national development,
and the law.
I'm kind of weak on law.
But very strong on
getting around it.
You have three hours
to complete the questions.
B.J. and I
will be proctoring you.
I already had
my physical, sir!
-Ahem! All set?
-Oh, yes, sir.
[clears throat]
Okay. Go.
And good luck.
"Mary's mother
sent her to the store
"to get nine
large cans of beans.
"Mary could only carry
two cans at a time.
How many trips to the store
did Mary have to make?"
-Sir, do I get time
for coffee breaks?
-Negative.
-You have three hours.
-It'll take most of that
to answer this question.
What kind of a family
would only feed their
children beans?
Sorry, Major.
No vehicles beyond this point.
"No vehicles beyond..."
That's utterly ridiculous!
Well, the road's
been mined, sir.
Now, look here, uh, Sergeant.
I'm with the, uh,
4077 MASH,
and I have to get back
for a very important operation.
I'm a surgeon. You see?
Well, I've got my orders, sir.
Look, Sergeant.
It is imperative
that I rejoin my unit!
Sir, the 4077 is over there,
just the other side of the hill.
If you start walking,
you can probably be there
in about an hour.
I haven't got an hour.
Well, then you'd
better run, sir.
Don't get impudent with me.
Just trying to be
helpful, sir.
This is without a doubt
the most inconvenient war
in history.
Sir, I don't understand
this question.
It's perfectly
understandable
to me, Klinger.
"Describe the political
changes which came about
as a result of Napoleon's
defeat at the Battle
of Waterloo."
That's an illegal
trick question.
Klinger, what happened
after the Battle of Waterloo?
Well, uh, soldiers went home.
The kids were glad
to see their fathers.
The wives were glad
to see their husbands.
They ate some snails
and like that.
And we thought
he didn't know the answer.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Wheelbarrow lady!
4077? MASH?
-[speaking Korean]
-You're sure?
-[speaking Korean]
-Thank you.
Thank you, little mother.
For your trouble.
Bless you.
"Physical similarities
have been noted
"between the Eskimos
of the Arctic
"and Mayan Indians
of the Southern Hemisphere.
Give three theories
for this 'phenomenum.'"
-Traveling salesmen?
-Now I'llhave a drink.
Could you give me
a little hint?
Any help at all.
It's an exam, Klinger.
It's against the rules.
Oh, what kind
of a test is this?
Math, geography, history.
Why don't they ask me
what kind of earrings
to wear for
an afternoon drill
or how to accessorize
those drab gray tunics?
They save that important stuff
till your senior year.
Sir, I'm pleading with you.
Help me get
just one thing right.
All right.
I shouldn't do this.
You spell Klinger
with one "G."
Oh. Thank you, sir.
I was nervous.
-Now, about these Eskimos.
-No dice, kid.
You mean I've washed out?
First thing you
got right all day.
MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange will begin
in one minute.
Proceed in a calm and orderly
fashion to the exchange table.
[shouting]
WOMAN: Watch your hands!
Well, I got 45 bucks of my own.
At least I can give Boone
a down payment.
Cheer up.
You're no worse off
than Charles.
I hope that's one
crook we've caught.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange
is now under way.
No one allowed in or out
until exchange is completed.
-[whistle blows]
-Halt!
Halt? What do you mean?
What do you mean, "Halt"?
"Halt," as in
"stop," sir!
-I-I'm coming in immediately.
-Belay that, sir!
No one allowed aboard
till further notice.
Orders from the bridge, sir!
-Bridge?
-Aye, aye, sir.
Nonsense!
What are you doing in a hat?
I expect to be a midshipman
at Annapolis very soon, sir.
I think we have a wonderful
chance to beat Army this year.
Get out of the way, Popeye!
Permission to come aboard
denied, sir!
I've got to exchange all this!
-You can deep-six it, sir.
-Pierce, Hunnicutt,
will you tell this saltwater
daffy to let me in!
Sorry, his job is to
keep out the riff-raff
and the profiteers.
If I don't get in
to exchange this,
it will all be worthless!
Will you gentlemen
exchange this for me?
Oh, no. You see,
that's against the rules.
Well, wait a minute.
Maybe we could bend
the rules just a tad.
-You think so? Well...
-Let me see what you got.
Uh, those bundles, uh,
are bills in hundred-dollar
increments.
Okay. At ten cents
on the dollar
that comes out
to $40 for 400.
-Forty?
-That's right. Boone gets his,
and you get yours.
You keep this
with our compliments.
Why, this is highway robbery!
-Oh, uh, Shore Patrol.
-Aye, aye, sir!
Would you take care of this man?
He wants to report a crime.
Now, what's
your problem, sir?
Three fifty,
three seventy-five,
$400 in brand-new scrip,
hot off the press.
Boy, I never expected
to see this again, or you.
Hey, I'm-- I'm sorry
for what I said, Doc.
I don't blame you.
It's probably my shifty eyes
and the white mask I wear.
Hawkeye! The money!
It was returned!
Somebody left the money
in my tent,
and in brand-new scrip.
-My speech worked.
-It certainly did, Father.
Look at this.
Another 400 from another thief.
My. Two atonements,
with one speech.
Why don't you keep this,
Father?
Take the orphans out
for dinner and a show.
Oh, why,
thank you, Hawkeye.
My goodness.
It was effective, wasn't it?
"Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord."
"Oh, ye generation of vipers."
There goes a sweet,
lovable ham.
Hawkeye?
Perhaps I could broadcast
every Sunday.
Yes. A commandment a week!
I wonder if
thou shouldst.
Well, it was just a thought.
♪♪ [theme]