M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 9 - Images - full transcript
Radar wants to get a tattoo, which Hawkeye and B.J. try to discourage. Major Houlihan wants to transfer one of her nurses out because she is too emotional for the job.
♪♪ [theme]
HAWKEYE: Look at this guy.
He's covered with tattoos.
MULCAHY: Oh! My, yes.
He has them practically
everywhere.
He has them everywhere.
-Cast of thousands.
-B.J.: Any big stars?
KLINGER: Wow!
Eagles, anchors,
women, ships, women--
Look at Louise. Quellerobust!
Klinger, please.
Father Mulcahy is
a full-time priest.
Sorry, Father.
You think the real Louise
is built like that?
If she is, I'm in love.
♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia
Have you met Lydia ♪
♪ Lydia the tattooed lady
POTTER: Beats me
why anybody would want
to turn himself into
a walking peep show.
-CHARLES: Status, Colonel.
-What do you mean, status?
A striving for distinction
from without
where birth has failed
to supply it from within.
Now, Charles, here,
was born
with all the distinction
he's ever gonna get.
Do you actually question
the natural superiority
of the highborn?
Of course not, I was born
on top of the refrigerator.
Delivered by the iceman,
no doubt.
All you inherited, Charles,
were blue eyes
and a blue-chip portfolio.
-Ah, money, money, money.
-Quiet, he's praying.
Only the common people
truly believe
that the world
turns on a dime.
Ah! Ah! I think
we're gonna get another
Winchester epigram here.
Some people are born
with a taste for money,
and the rest are born
with a craving.
All this talk about money.
I've spent my entire medical
career in the army.
Thirty years a doctor,
never sent out a bill.
[chuckles] My, my, my,
you have missed all
the fun, haven't you?
-Damn it. Sponge.
-HAWKEYE: What's the matter?
He's hemorrhaging. Clamp.
What a mess. Clamp, Cooper.
I think I'd better--
Excuse me.
Cooper! Come back here!
Margaret,
I need some hands.
Gimme some sponges.
And a clamp.
Thank you.
Some suction in here.
Okay. What's with her?
She isn't working out.
People who don't have a stomach
for this don't belong here.
You're right.
Let's all go home.
Cooper!
That was inexcusable.
I know. It's just that
sometimes it's so pitiful.
That soldier, he couldn't
have been more than 18,
just like my kid brother.
Suppose he were
your kid brother!
Would you want his nurse
going to pieces?
-I'm sorry!
-What good is sorry?
This isn't a class
in etiquette.
It's a MASH unit.
We save lives
98% of the time.
I know, Major. That's
why I asked to come here.
I'm a good nurse.
A good nurse
doesn't fall apart
like a teary-eyed
schoolgirl.
That's not fair.
What do you think
that does to morale?
Major, don't you
feel anything?
What I feel I control.
That's a part of my job.
You just do your job
while you still have one.
What's that supposed to mean?
That means, Cooper,
fall apart one more time,
and you'll be out of here
before you can say
Florence Nightingale.
Understood?
Not so fast, boy.
Chew each bite 40 times.
Whose mutt?
Nobody's. He's just been
hanging around.
Yeah? Don't let him
hang around too long.
Keeping an animal is
against regulations.
Who am I to break
regulations?
Get him cleaned up,
and make sure
he only eats scraps
because if he doesn't,
you will.
Yes, ma'am.
[whimpers]
You're cute.
Thank you, Major.
-Him.
-Oh.
This is the last
darn sock I darn
till the war is over.
What if it's another
Hundred Years' War?
I'll get another sock.
-What was that war about?
-About a hundred years.
How'd you like to have been
in that one for the duration?
At least you wouldn't
have to tell your
grandchildren about it.
They'd be in it.
-Aah-aah!
-[knocking]
-Yeah?
-Are you decent in there?
No, but give us a minute.
We'll take off our clothes.
-Oh, well.
-What an unexpected pleasure.
Oh, you know how this ends?
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
It's about
Major Houlihan.
She's leaning on Cooper
something awful.
Yeah, so I notice.
You better tell Cooper
not to lean back.
Do you think you could
talk to Hot Lips?
I don't know how much
more Cooper can take.
She's havin' a rough time.
So are the surgeons
she's walking out on.
Maybe she shouldn't be here
in the first place.
No.
She's a good nurse.
She's just young
and inexperienced.
Like our patients.
This place takes
getting used to.
Took me a while,
and I used to work
emergency in Chicago.
Accidents, suicide, homicide.
Ah, the good old days.
Why boot her out just because
her emotions aren't
packed on ice yet?
Do you think you could
buy her a little time?
-Sure, we can
buy her a little time.
-And a little drink.
-Little dinner.
-Little breakfast.
-Good night, doctors.
-Good night.
In the mood for
some company, Major?
-Oh, very well.
-Good.
Food like this demands
some good conversation.
Oh?
A little discourse
to take your mind
off the main course.
[laughs]
And how's your Colonel
Penobscott, Major?
Top military form.
This war's the best thing
that ever happened to him.
Outside of you,
to be sure.
[laughs] Thank you.
-Is there anything wrong?
-Maybe we should join the
others.
-What?
-Join the others.
-We're alone.
-So?
You know how
these people talk.
Yes, I do.
They talk very poorly.
They thrive on gossip.
Why should two people
eating together
be the subject of gossip?
Major, will you please
stop whispering?
-Why?
-Because I want them
to hear that we aren't
saying anything.
But we aren't
saying anything.
That's what I
want them to hear.
-Perhaps I'd better leave.
-No, no! That's worse.
They'll think we had
a fight or something.
Father! Please join us.
Well, I was going to,
but you looked like
you wanted to be alone.
I told you there was
something cooking
-between these two.
-Mm-hmm.
-See?
-I wonder what this is.
Brochette
de combat boot.
I'm glad they left
the laces in.
-They're disgusting.
-They're children.
This is disgusting.
They don't even chill
the salad forks.
He's a fun date, isn't he?
You have single-handedly
taken all the whimsy
out of this war.
And speaking of the war,
Margaret,
how about pulling back
to the 38th parallel?
-Come again?
-Nurse Cooper.
The kid could use a break.
I've given her several.
Heartbreaks don't count.
She's supposed to be here
to help patients, not be one.
She's trying, Margaret.
And she's failing.
Ah, come on, Margaret.
You've spent plenty
of time in the O.R.
You know some people take
longer to anesthetize.
She may work out
just fine.
Maybe, maybe not.
And we can't take the chance.
At any rate,
she's my responsibility,
and it's a responsibility
I do not take lightly.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen.
Rather spirited woman.
What seems to be
the trouble here?
Oh, these warm salad forks
are beginning to get to her.
Hi.
My name
is Corporal O'Reilly.
Corporal Hendrix.
-How you feelin'? Okay?
-Pretty good.
I saw your tattoos
when they operated.
Oh, yeah?
Which one did they get?
Hmm?
Well, which tattoo
got clobbered?
Oh, uh, Louise.
Oh, not Louise.
How bad is she?
Well, her face
is still pretty,
and her legs
are the greatest.
What about the rest of her?
There isn't any.
[groans] Why couldn't it
have been Betty?
Louise was fantastic.
Whenever I got the hiccups,
she'd do stuff
that'd knock your eyes out.
Wow.
Guess I'll have to
get a tattoo artist
to put her in a sarong.
Then she'll look
just like Dorothy Lamour.
Can they do that?
Oh, yeah. Those guys
are good as Rembrandt.
Who?
You've heard of him.
The painter.
Oh, we have aluminum siding.
Well, I guess I'm lucky
I've still got Betty
and Marie, my snakes.
I'm thinking of getting
a tattoo myself.
Oh, don't do it yourself.
-No?
-You need an expert.
One of those Rembrandts?
Smartest move you can make.
Look, I can give you
a half dozen reasons
for gettin' tattooed.
-Yeah?
-You look tough.
Yeah.
And you feel great.
Yeah, go ahead.
The women won't
leave you alone.
That's enough.
[groans]
Campbell,
relieve Cooper here.
Major, I can handle this.
That's all right.
Campbell will handle it.
Cooper, I know you've
been under a strain.
That's why I'm relieving
you permanently.
Major, I know
I have problems,
but believe me,
I can work them out.
I hope for your sake
you can.
But not here.
We don't have the time.
I'm transferring you out.
Major, please.
Another week.
-I'm sorry.
-That's it?
-That's it.
-[glass breaks]
Major, I need help here.
-Take his arm.
-Okay.
It's all right, soldier.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay.
"I therefore recommend
"that Nurse Sandra Cooper
be transferred immediately.
Respectfully,
Major Margaret Houlihan."
You're one lollapalooza,
Major.
-Oh, Radar?
-Yes, sir.
Would you go tell
Major Houlihan--
I told Major Houlihan
you wanted to see her.
You're welcome.
-Thank you.
-Uh, Colonel?
-Yes?
-Um,
what do you think
about gettin' a tattoo?
Why, do I need one?
Not you, sir. Me, sir.
Oh, oh.
A panther or a Marie?
-A what?
-A panther or--
Oh, never mind, sir.
Radar, leave the tattoos
to the Navy.
Why, sir?
Don't you like 'em?
They're dumb.
Back in World War I,
I had a friend your age
got himself tattooed.
Put his girlfriend's face
smack dab
in the middle of his chest.
Gee, that's swell.
Swell. Couple of years later,
he sprouted hair on his chest,
turned her into
the bearded lady.
Wow, that's awful.
Look, son, what do you
need a tattoo for?
Five years from now,
you'll want to get rid
of that panther.
What do you do? Shoot 'im?
You're right, sir.
I won't get a panther.
I'll get a girl.
Just get Major Houlihan,
will ya?
I'm on my way.
[dog whimpering]
Here.
Don't turn me in for this.
Okay?
[chuckles]
-Colonel wants to see ya.
-Good.
Uh, ma'am, you mind
if I ask you a question
-about your husband's body?
-What?
Does it have any tattoos
on it anywhere?
You're sick!
Request denied. She stays.
-Did I hear you correctly?
-I hope so, Major.
I always understood the nurses
to be my responsibility.
And the 4077th
is my responsibility.
Oh, look, Colonel,
we all know she's
a very sweet girl,
but she's a crier.
So was Mrs. Potter
when I married her.
But after a few months,
she settled down,
and for 38 years come April,
she's been a mighty fine wife.
-I'm very happy for
both of you, Colonel.
-Thank you, Major.
But the point is if I had
let a few tears get to me,
I'd have dumped Mrs. P
back in 1913.
Cooper isn't your wife.
She's my nurse, and she's
my responsibility.
And if she goes to pieces
every time
a patient moans or bleeds,
she's useless to this unit.
Now, Major, Cooper's
just going through
her own little
baptism of fire.
I don't give a damn
about her baptism!
I care about the patients.
So do I! But she still
needs our support.
So long as she doesn't
quit on herself,
we won't, either.
Look, give the girl
a chance.
If it doesn't work out,
I'll personally throw
her bags on the jeep.
I'll give her a chance
if that's an order.
Then it's an order.
Ease up on the girl.
Oh, of course, Colonel.
Lord knows I wouldn't want
to do anything to upset her.
Thank you, Major.
I knew you'd understand.
Says here MacArthur took
a little walk with Truman
on the beach
of Wake Island.
What do you suppose
Doug said to him?
Your left, your left,
your left, right, left.
And Truman said,
"Doug, it's all right
if you want to invade China,
but you'll have to go alone."
But, Harry, with a division
you get eggroll.
[laughs]
I do hope that you two
vaudevillians realize
that you're slandering
one of the greatest military
minds of the century.
Truman?
MacArthur!
Ohh, Dugout Doug.
You are infuriating.
You refuse to concede how much
MacArthur has done for us.
He has a point.
Doug's got
the whole country
wearing sunglasses.
Even my wife
smokes a corncob pipe.
I'm sure she was smoking it
before MacArthur.
He's a scamp!
A scamp, I tell you!
-See here, gentlemen--
-Mail, sirs.
You are interrupting,
Corporal.
It would be refreshing
if just once
the two of you would end
an argument intelligently.
All right. Just this once.
[chuckles]
You find that amusing,
Corporal?
Not anymore, sir.
Which do you guys like better,
tigers or snakes?
-Depends on the sauce.
-What are you talking about?
I want a tattoo, but I'm
not sure what kind to get.
How 'bout a calendar?
At least for a year
it'll be useful.
Make it a tie. No restaurant
will ever refuse you.
You must have an opinion
on this, Charles.
Well...
Epigram time.
As a matter of fact,
tattoos are
the common man's way
of investing in art.
There. Have them tattoo
that on your chest.
Radar, you're not serious.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm gettin' a tattoo
over at Rosie's bar
after chow tonight.
Why a tattoo all of a sudden?
'Cause I'm tired
of bein' a nobody.
I want to be the object
of respect, fear, and sex.
All you're gonna
be the object of
is scorn, ridicule,
and tittering.
Why would anybody want to
hang a picture on his body
that he wouldn't be caught
dead hanging on his wall?
Gentlemen!
Don't interfere with this
boy's freedom of expression.
Yeah.
It is the inalienable right
of every human being
to make a fool of himself.
And he oughta know.
Thanks a lot, sirs.
You helped me
make up my mind.
What's it gonna be?
When I get there, I'll
definitely flip a coin.
[chuckling]
Radar, if you're really
gonna go through with this,
at least let us meet you
there when you have it done.
Why, so you can
razz me some more?
No, Radar. We just
want to make sure
conditions are as
antiseptic as possible.
Oh, yeah. Good.
Now we promise,
no more needling.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say that.
It just came out.
It was an accident.
[sighs] I knew
you were watching me
before I turned around.
Should I go pack?
I'm afraid not.
Colonel Potter doesn't
want you transferred.
He seems to think
there's hope for you.
I guess he's just
an old softie.
He can afford to be.
He doesn't work as closely
with you as I do.
Does this mean that you're
getting off my back?
For the moment.
Oh, but don't worry.
Colonel Potter'll
change his mind.
One day he'll be
resecting a bowel,
and he'll yell for
suction and retraction,
and there won't be anybody
there to give it to him
because you'll be
God knows where
crying your eyes out.
That won't happen, Major.
Oh?
I won't give you
the satisfaction.
From now on, I'm going
to be just as tough
and unfeeling as you are.
Well, Radar,
what's it gonna be?
Think it oughta
be "Mother."
Two Scotch on the rocks
and a grape Nehi
for the expectant mother.
-No, I'll have a beer.
-What? No grape Nehi?
Guys with tattoos
always drink beer.
Radar, you know anybody
who's got a tattoo?
-Just the guy over at post-op.
-Anybody else?
Uh, no. Guys with tattoos
don't pal around
with guys like me.
I think you ought
to get a second opinion.
Uh, anybody here got a tattoo?
Yeah, I got a few.
What's it to ya?
Our friend here
could use some advice
from the man who owns one.
Sure. What do you
want to know, pal?
I was just wondering
what kind to get.
What do you have?
Several.
Wow!
Marine emblem.
Semper fidelis.
Latin for
"always faithful."
I'd want to meet
the girl first.
Sergeant, can we
buy you a drink?
Yeah. Another grape Nehi.
You like
grape Nehi too?
Hate it. But I ain't
allowed to drink booze.
-How come?
-On account of my Mother.
What? You promised her
you wouldn't drink?
No. She gave me hepatitis.
See "Mother"? I got it
from a dirty needle in Seoul.
I can't touch another
drop for six months.
Wow!
If the hepatitis
don't get ya,
that stuff will.
Ah, the sacrifices we make
for our Mothers.
Take my advice, kid.
Don't get anything.
He said it, Radar.
We didn't.
Look, I don't know
you guys, right?
BOTH: Right.
Forget the disease.
Forget the pain.
It might be
a shot in the arm now--
A thousand shots.
...but someday
you're gonna
meet a cute little dame,
and she's gonna be
crazy about ya.
Then you're gonna
roll up your sleeve,
and she's gonna see
that stupid tattoo,
and the twinkle in her eye is
gonna go right out the window.
So, what do you think,
Radar?
I think I'll, uh,
wait a little.
Oh, hiya, Sarge.
Glad you found 'em.
He was lookin'
all over for you guys.
Klinger!
Oh, I see!
So you guys didn't
know each other, huh?
And you said you weren't
gonna butt in!
Radar, it's dangerous.
We were just trying
to save your skin.
-O'Reilly. Corporal O'Reilly.
-Yeah!
-You're next.
-Okay.
I'm gonna get it,
and it's gonna be a snake.
Huh huh! I think.
Klinger, you're next.
-Me?
-Yeah.
We're gonna tattoo
a zipper on your mouth.
-So they all left together.
-Oh, no! [laughs]
Are you gonna finish that?
No. Why? You actually
want more of this stuff?
Not for me. I'm collecting
scraps for the puppy.
-Oh, didn't you hear?
-Hear what?
He was killed this morning.
Oh, no. How?
Ran in front of a jeep.
Aw, gee, that's a shame.
Somebody should've
tied him up.
Why'd they let a dog run loose
around here anyway?
I'm gonna wash my hair.
I'll see ya later.
Save some hot water
for me.
Where'd he come from?
Nobody knows. He just
strolled in here one day.
-Klinger was feeding him.
-See ya later.
-Can I use your nail polish?
-Sure. Which color do you want?
-Peach.
-Peach? Okay.
I think the red'd
look better.
Right this way. We have
a lovely table for one
with a view of
the mosquito netting.
Margaret. Aren't you
staying for the floor show?
The cook's gonna confess.
-Excuse me, please.
-Hey, are you okay?
Leave me alone!
What's your hurry?
Let's talk a little.
What do you want?
You look all choked up,
and I don't think
it's the food.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
And anyway, it's none
of your business.
It might help to talk.
Look, two ears, no waiting.
Will you stop
annoying me?
Fine! I thought something
was bothering you,
and I wanted to help.
You're always trying
to get into my head
when there's nothing there.
Look, Margaret,
sooner or later,
this place
gets to everybody.
I don't fall over, Captain.
Everything around here
will be just fine
if there's a little
less leaning
and a lot more leadership.
We need obedience.
We need discipline,
not this chaos.
Doctors like you
constantly out of uniform,
nurses who don't
belong in uniforms,
dogs running around
loose in camp.
Dogs?
They're getting
run over by jeeps.
Get out of here!
No. Your emotions
are all churned up.
You're not doing
yourself a favor
keeping a cork on it.
Let it out.
Let out what?
There is nothing to let out!
I'm not churned up.
I'm not emotional.
If you want to cork something,
go cork your mouth. Go. Go.
-Will you just get out?
-All right, Margaret, listen.
I saw you sneaking
food to that dog all week.
This morning he got run over.
You trying to tell me
you're not upset by that?
I've got people
dying all around me!
You think I'd get upset
because a dog gets run over?
Why should I get
upset about a--
about a little dog?
[sobbing]
[footsteps approaching]
How's he doing?
Much better. He's resting.
Cooper.
Yes?
I've been a little
rough on you.
I want you to know
that I'm sorry.
You mean that, Major?
Yes, I do.
This place gets to everybody,
and sooner or later,
you can't help but let it out.
That's very understanding
of you, Major. Thank you.
Why the change?
None of your business.
Just get back to work,
and don't let it get to you.
I won't, Major.
Come on, Radar!
Show it to us.
Not now, sirs.
I'm busy working.
Good. When you work,
you should roll up
your sleeves.
So we can see your tattoo.
-That won't do it, sir.
-Must be on his chest.
Radar, take off
your shirt.
That won't do it, either. Heh!
Radar, did you
tattoo your tush?
Well, I didn't want you guys
talkin' me out of it,
and I didn't want anybody
to see it, either.
Radar, we're not
just anybody.
We're your comrades
in arms.
Your bosom buddies.
Aw, come on!
A person has a right
to their own nudeness.
That doesn't even
make sense.
You dropped your pants
for the tattooist.
He's a stranger.
We're family.
More than that, we're doctors.
We need to check for infection.
[chuckles]
Oh, no, no, no.
Radar, let's see it.
No, sir, sir.
Corporal,
and for the time being
you still are a corporal,
let me remind you
of one thing.
As your commanding officer,
it's my duty to inspect
any part of this camp.
Colonel, do you mean to tell me
that I'm gonna have to--
Drop 'em.
Oh, boy.
Okay. But this
is under protest.
Understood.
-Wow!
-Betcha it's the Mona Lisa.
-With that smile?
-There!
Well, I'll be
hornswoggled!
-Will you look at that?
-This is embarrassing.
-It's a teddy bear.
-But it's so tiny!
Well, he didn't want
anything ostentatious.
I didn't want anything
showy, either.
Well, you did it, Radar.
No butts about it.
You know you're gonna
have to live with that
for the rest
of your life.
No, no, no, it'll come off.
Only when the bottom
drops out.
No, I was afraid
of that dirty needle,
and I had him
draw it on with ink.
It'll come off
when I take a bath.
My God,
it is permanent.
- Oh, Radar?
- Yes, sir?
[metal clanking]
Did you send out those
406 forms to I-Corps?
Uh, yeah. I did sir.
I mailed out the forms
three days ago.
-Thank you.
-Uhh!
-[whistles]
-Radar, you had me worried.
Thought you were havin'
some kind of an attack.
So now it's body building.
At least muscles are something
you can really show off.
Yeah, but you wind up
being a slave to your body.
Then you get tired
of lifting weights,
and all those muscles
turn into flab overnight.
Chuck it, Radar.
Think I will, sir.
Good boy. Now, if you really
want to do some lifting,
go to the mess tent and lift
some of those oatmeal cookies.
You know the ones I like--
-with the stale raisins.
-With the stale raisins.
Yes,
right away, sir.
[door opens, shuts]
Ahem.
♪♪ [theme]
HAWKEYE: Look at this guy.
He's covered with tattoos.
MULCAHY: Oh! My, yes.
He has them practically
everywhere.
He has them everywhere.
-Cast of thousands.
-B.J.: Any big stars?
KLINGER: Wow!
Eagles, anchors,
women, ships, women--
Look at Louise. Quellerobust!
Klinger, please.
Father Mulcahy is
a full-time priest.
Sorry, Father.
You think the real Louise
is built like that?
If she is, I'm in love.
♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia
Have you met Lydia ♪
♪ Lydia the tattooed lady
POTTER: Beats me
why anybody would want
to turn himself into
a walking peep show.
-CHARLES: Status, Colonel.
-What do you mean, status?
A striving for distinction
from without
where birth has failed
to supply it from within.
Now, Charles, here,
was born
with all the distinction
he's ever gonna get.
Do you actually question
the natural superiority
of the highborn?
Of course not, I was born
on top of the refrigerator.
Delivered by the iceman,
no doubt.
All you inherited, Charles,
were blue eyes
and a blue-chip portfolio.
-Ah, money, money, money.
-Quiet, he's praying.
Only the common people
truly believe
that the world
turns on a dime.
Ah! Ah! I think
we're gonna get another
Winchester epigram here.
Some people are born
with a taste for money,
and the rest are born
with a craving.
All this talk about money.
I've spent my entire medical
career in the army.
Thirty years a doctor,
never sent out a bill.
[chuckles] My, my, my,
you have missed all
the fun, haven't you?
-Damn it. Sponge.
-HAWKEYE: What's the matter?
He's hemorrhaging. Clamp.
What a mess. Clamp, Cooper.
I think I'd better--
Excuse me.
Cooper! Come back here!
Margaret,
I need some hands.
Gimme some sponges.
And a clamp.
Thank you.
Some suction in here.
Okay. What's with her?
She isn't working out.
People who don't have a stomach
for this don't belong here.
You're right.
Let's all go home.
Cooper!
That was inexcusable.
I know. It's just that
sometimes it's so pitiful.
That soldier, he couldn't
have been more than 18,
just like my kid brother.
Suppose he were
your kid brother!
Would you want his nurse
going to pieces?
-I'm sorry!
-What good is sorry?
This isn't a class
in etiquette.
It's a MASH unit.
We save lives
98% of the time.
I know, Major. That's
why I asked to come here.
I'm a good nurse.
A good nurse
doesn't fall apart
like a teary-eyed
schoolgirl.
That's not fair.
What do you think
that does to morale?
Major, don't you
feel anything?
What I feel I control.
That's a part of my job.
You just do your job
while you still have one.
What's that supposed to mean?
That means, Cooper,
fall apart one more time,
and you'll be out of here
before you can say
Florence Nightingale.
Understood?
Not so fast, boy.
Chew each bite 40 times.
Whose mutt?
Nobody's. He's just been
hanging around.
Yeah? Don't let him
hang around too long.
Keeping an animal is
against regulations.
Who am I to break
regulations?
Get him cleaned up,
and make sure
he only eats scraps
because if he doesn't,
you will.
Yes, ma'am.
[whimpers]
You're cute.
Thank you, Major.
-Him.
-Oh.
This is the last
darn sock I darn
till the war is over.
What if it's another
Hundred Years' War?
I'll get another sock.
-What was that war about?
-About a hundred years.
How'd you like to have been
in that one for the duration?
At least you wouldn't
have to tell your
grandchildren about it.
They'd be in it.
-Aah-aah!
-[knocking]
-Yeah?
-Are you decent in there?
No, but give us a minute.
We'll take off our clothes.
-Oh, well.
-What an unexpected pleasure.
Oh, you know how this ends?
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
It's about
Major Houlihan.
She's leaning on Cooper
something awful.
Yeah, so I notice.
You better tell Cooper
not to lean back.
Do you think you could
talk to Hot Lips?
I don't know how much
more Cooper can take.
She's havin' a rough time.
So are the surgeons
she's walking out on.
Maybe she shouldn't be here
in the first place.
No.
She's a good nurse.
She's just young
and inexperienced.
Like our patients.
This place takes
getting used to.
Took me a while,
and I used to work
emergency in Chicago.
Accidents, suicide, homicide.
Ah, the good old days.
Why boot her out just because
her emotions aren't
packed on ice yet?
Do you think you could
buy her a little time?
-Sure, we can
buy her a little time.
-And a little drink.
-Little dinner.
-Little breakfast.
-Good night, doctors.
-Good night.
In the mood for
some company, Major?
-Oh, very well.
-Good.
Food like this demands
some good conversation.
Oh?
A little discourse
to take your mind
off the main course.
[laughs]
And how's your Colonel
Penobscott, Major?
Top military form.
This war's the best thing
that ever happened to him.
Outside of you,
to be sure.
[laughs] Thank you.
-Is there anything wrong?
-Maybe we should join the
others.
-What?
-Join the others.
-We're alone.
-So?
You know how
these people talk.
Yes, I do.
They talk very poorly.
They thrive on gossip.
Why should two people
eating together
be the subject of gossip?
Major, will you please
stop whispering?
-Why?
-Because I want them
to hear that we aren't
saying anything.
But we aren't
saying anything.
That's what I
want them to hear.
-Perhaps I'd better leave.
-No, no! That's worse.
They'll think we had
a fight or something.
Father! Please join us.
Well, I was going to,
but you looked like
you wanted to be alone.
I told you there was
something cooking
-between these two.
-Mm-hmm.
-See?
-I wonder what this is.
Brochette
de combat boot.
I'm glad they left
the laces in.
-They're disgusting.
-They're children.
This is disgusting.
They don't even chill
the salad forks.
He's a fun date, isn't he?
You have single-handedly
taken all the whimsy
out of this war.
And speaking of the war,
Margaret,
how about pulling back
to the 38th parallel?
-Come again?
-Nurse Cooper.
The kid could use a break.
I've given her several.
Heartbreaks don't count.
She's supposed to be here
to help patients, not be one.
She's trying, Margaret.
And she's failing.
Ah, come on, Margaret.
You've spent plenty
of time in the O.R.
You know some people take
longer to anesthetize.
She may work out
just fine.
Maybe, maybe not.
And we can't take the chance.
At any rate,
she's my responsibility,
and it's a responsibility
I do not take lightly.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen.
Rather spirited woman.
What seems to be
the trouble here?
Oh, these warm salad forks
are beginning to get to her.
Hi.
My name
is Corporal O'Reilly.
Corporal Hendrix.
-How you feelin'? Okay?
-Pretty good.
I saw your tattoos
when they operated.
Oh, yeah?
Which one did they get?
Hmm?
Well, which tattoo
got clobbered?
Oh, uh, Louise.
Oh, not Louise.
How bad is she?
Well, her face
is still pretty,
and her legs
are the greatest.
What about the rest of her?
There isn't any.
[groans] Why couldn't it
have been Betty?
Louise was fantastic.
Whenever I got the hiccups,
she'd do stuff
that'd knock your eyes out.
Wow.
Guess I'll have to
get a tattoo artist
to put her in a sarong.
Then she'll look
just like Dorothy Lamour.
Can they do that?
Oh, yeah. Those guys
are good as Rembrandt.
Who?
You've heard of him.
The painter.
Oh, we have aluminum siding.
Well, I guess I'm lucky
I've still got Betty
and Marie, my snakes.
I'm thinking of getting
a tattoo myself.
Oh, don't do it yourself.
-No?
-You need an expert.
One of those Rembrandts?
Smartest move you can make.
Look, I can give you
a half dozen reasons
for gettin' tattooed.
-Yeah?
-You look tough.
Yeah.
And you feel great.
Yeah, go ahead.
The women won't
leave you alone.
That's enough.
[groans]
Campbell,
relieve Cooper here.
Major, I can handle this.
That's all right.
Campbell will handle it.
Cooper, I know you've
been under a strain.
That's why I'm relieving
you permanently.
Major, I know
I have problems,
but believe me,
I can work them out.
I hope for your sake
you can.
But not here.
We don't have the time.
I'm transferring you out.
Major, please.
Another week.
-I'm sorry.
-That's it?
-That's it.
-[glass breaks]
Major, I need help here.
-Take his arm.
-Okay.
It's all right, soldier.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay.
"I therefore recommend
"that Nurse Sandra Cooper
be transferred immediately.
Respectfully,
Major Margaret Houlihan."
You're one lollapalooza,
Major.
-Oh, Radar?
-Yes, sir.
Would you go tell
Major Houlihan--
I told Major Houlihan
you wanted to see her.
You're welcome.
-Thank you.
-Uh, Colonel?
-Yes?
-Um,
what do you think
about gettin' a tattoo?
Why, do I need one?
Not you, sir. Me, sir.
Oh, oh.
A panther or a Marie?
-A what?
-A panther or--
Oh, never mind, sir.
Radar, leave the tattoos
to the Navy.
Why, sir?
Don't you like 'em?
They're dumb.
Back in World War I,
I had a friend your age
got himself tattooed.
Put his girlfriend's face
smack dab
in the middle of his chest.
Gee, that's swell.
Swell. Couple of years later,
he sprouted hair on his chest,
turned her into
the bearded lady.
Wow, that's awful.
Look, son, what do you
need a tattoo for?
Five years from now,
you'll want to get rid
of that panther.
What do you do? Shoot 'im?
You're right, sir.
I won't get a panther.
I'll get a girl.
Just get Major Houlihan,
will ya?
I'm on my way.
[dog whimpering]
Here.
Don't turn me in for this.
Okay?
[chuckles]
-Colonel wants to see ya.
-Good.
Uh, ma'am, you mind
if I ask you a question
-about your husband's body?
-What?
Does it have any tattoos
on it anywhere?
You're sick!
Request denied. She stays.
-Did I hear you correctly?
-I hope so, Major.
I always understood the nurses
to be my responsibility.
And the 4077th
is my responsibility.
Oh, look, Colonel,
we all know she's
a very sweet girl,
but she's a crier.
So was Mrs. Potter
when I married her.
But after a few months,
she settled down,
and for 38 years come April,
she's been a mighty fine wife.
-I'm very happy for
both of you, Colonel.
-Thank you, Major.
But the point is if I had
let a few tears get to me,
I'd have dumped Mrs. P
back in 1913.
Cooper isn't your wife.
She's my nurse, and she's
my responsibility.
And if she goes to pieces
every time
a patient moans or bleeds,
she's useless to this unit.
Now, Major, Cooper's
just going through
her own little
baptism of fire.
I don't give a damn
about her baptism!
I care about the patients.
So do I! But she still
needs our support.
So long as she doesn't
quit on herself,
we won't, either.
Look, give the girl
a chance.
If it doesn't work out,
I'll personally throw
her bags on the jeep.
I'll give her a chance
if that's an order.
Then it's an order.
Ease up on the girl.
Oh, of course, Colonel.
Lord knows I wouldn't want
to do anything to upset her.
Thank you, Major.
I knew you'd understand.
Says here MacArthur took
a little walk with Truman
on the beach
of Wake Island.
What do you suppose
Doug said to him?
Your left, your left,
your left, right, left.
And Truman said,
"Doug, it's all right
if you want to invade China,
but you'll have to go alone."
But, Harry, with a division
you get eggroll.
[laughs]
I do hope that you two
vaudevillians realize
that you're slandering
one of the greatest military
minds of the century.
Truman?
MacArthur!
Ohh, Dugout Doug.
You are infuriating.
You refuse to concede how much
MacArthur has done for us.
He has a point.
Doug's got
the whole country
wearing sunglasses.
Even my wife
smokes a corncob pipe.
I'm sure she was smoking it
before MacArthur.
He's a scamp!
A scamp, I tell you!
-See here, gentlemen--
-Mail, sirs.
You are interrupting,
Corporal.
It would be refreshing
if just once
the two of you would end
an argument intelligently.
All right. Just this once.
[chuckles]
You find that amusing,
Corporal?
Not anymore, sir.
Which do you guys like better,
tigers or snakes?
-Depends on the sauce.
-What are you talking about?
I want a tattoo, but I'm
not sure what kind to get.
How 'bout a calendar?
At least for a year
it'll be useful.
Make it a tie. No restaurant
will ever refuse you.
You must have an opinion
on this, Charles.
Well...
Epigram time.
As a matter of fact,
tattoos are
the common man's way
of investing in art.
There. Have them tattoo
that on your chest.
Radar, you're not serious.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm gettin' a tattoo
over at Rosie's bar
after chow tonight.
Why a tattoo all of a sudden?
'Cause I'm tired
of bein' a nobody.
I want to be the object
of respect, fear, and sex.
All you're gonna
be the object of
is scorn, ridicule,
and tittering.
Why would anybody want to
hang a picture on his body
that he wouldn't be caught
dead hanging on his wall?
Gentlemen!
Don't interfere with this
boy's freedom of expression.
Yeah.
It is the inalienable right
of every human being
to make a fool of himself.
And he oughta know.
Thanks a lot, sirs.
You helped me
make up my mind.
What's it gonna be?
When I get there, I'll
definitely flip a coin.
[chuckling]
Radar, if you're really
gonna go through with this,
at least let us meet you
there when you have it done.
Why, so you can
razz me some more?
No, Radar. We just
want to make sure
conditions are as
antiseptic as possible.
Oh, yeah. Good.
Now we promise,
no more needling.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say that.
It just came out.
It was an accident.
[sighs] I knew
you were watching me
before I turned around.
Should I go pack?
I'm afraid not.
Colonel Potter doesn't
want you transferred.
He seems to think
there's hope for you.
I guess he's just
an old softie.
He can afford to be.
He doesn't work as closely
with you as I do.
Does this mean that you're
getting off my back?
For the moment.
Oh, but don't worry.
Colonel Potter'll
change his mind.
One day he'll be
resecting a bowel,
and he'll yell for
suction and retraction,
and there won't be anybody
there to give it to him
because you'll be
God knows where
crying your eyes out.
That won't happen, Major.
Oh?
I won't give you
the satisfaction.
From now on, I'm going
to be just as tough
and unfeeling as you are.
Well, Radar,
what's it gonna be?
Think it oughta
be "Mother."
Two Scotch on the rocks
and a grape Nehi
for the expectant mother.
-No, I'll have a beer.
-What? No grape Nehi?
Guys with tattoos
always drink beer.
Radar, you know anybody
who's got a tattoo?
-Just the guy over at post-op.
-Anybody else?
Uh, no. Guys with tattoos
don't pal around
with guys like me.
I think you ought
to get a second opinion.
Uh, anybody here got a tattoo?
Yeah, I got a few.
What's it to ya?
Our friend here
could use some advice
from the man who owns one.
Sure. What do you
want to know, pal?
I was just wondering
what kind to get.
What do you have?
Several.
Wow!
Marine emblem.
Semper fidelis.
Latin for
"always faithful."
I'd want to meet
the girl first.
Sergeant, can we
buy you a drink?
Yeah. Another grape Nehi.
You like
grape Nehi too?
Hate it. But I ain't
allowed to drink booze.
-How come?
-On account of my Mother.
What? You promised her
you wouldn't drink?
No. She gave me hepatitis.
See "Mother"? I got it
from a dirty needle in Seoul.
I can't touch another
drop for six months.
Wow!
If the hepatitis
don't get ya,
that stuff will.
Ah, the sacrifices we make
for our Mothers.
Take my advice, kid.
Don't get anything.
He said it, Radar.
We didn't.
Look, I don't know
you guys, right?
BOTH: Right.
Forget the disease.
Forget the pain.
It might be
a shot in the arm now--
A thousand shots.
...but someday
you're gonna
meet a cute little dame,
and she's gonna be
crazy about ya.
Then you're gonna
roll up your sleeve,
and she's gonna see
that stupid tattoo,
and the twinkle in her eye is
gonna go right out the window.
So, what do you think,
Radar?
I think I'll, uh,
wait a little.
Oh, hiya, Sarge.
Glad you found 'em.
He was lookin'
all over for you guys.
Klinger!
Oh, I see!
So you guys didn't
know each other, huh?
And you said you weren't
gonna butt in!
Radar, it's dangerous.
We were just trying
to save your skin.
-O'Reilly. Corporal O'Reilly.
-Yeah!
-You're next.
-Okay.
I'm gonna get it,
and it's gonna be a snake.
Huh huh! I think.
Klinger, you're next.
-Me?
-Yeah.
We're gonna tattoo
a zipper on your mouth.
-So they all left together.
-Oh, no! [laughs]
Are you gonna finish that?
No. Why? You actually
want more of this stuff?
Not for me. I'm collecting
scraps for the puppy.
-Oh, didn't you hear?
-Hear what?
He was killed this morning.
Oh, no. How?
Ran in front of a jeep.
Aw, gee, that's a shame.
Somebody should've
tied him up.
Why'd they let a dog run loose
around here anyway?
I'm gonna wash my hair.
I'll see ya later.
Save some hot water
for me.
Where'd he come from?
Nobody knows. He just
strolled in here one day.
-Klinger was feeding him.
-See ya later.
-Can I use your nail polish?
-Sure. Which color do you want?
-Peach.
-Peach? Okay.
I think the red'd
look better.
Right this way. We have
a lovely table for one
with a view of
the mosquito netting.
Margaret. Aren't you
staying for the floor show?
The cook's gonna confess.
-Excuse me, please.
-Hey, are you okay?
Leave me alone!
What's your hurry?
Let's talk a little.
What do you want?
You look all choked up,
and I don't think
it's the food.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
And anyway, it's none
of your business.
It might help to talk.
Look, two ears, no waiting.
Will you stop
annoying me?
Fine! I thought something
was bothering you,
and I wanted to help.
You're always trying
to get into my head
when there's nothing there.
Look, Margaret,
sooner or later,
this place
gets to everybody.
I don't fall over, Captain.
Everything around here
will be just fine
if there's a little
less leaning
and a lot more leadership.
We need obedience.
We need discipline,
not this chaos.
Doctors like you
constantly out of uniform,
nurses who don't
belong in uniforms,
dogs running around
loose in camp.
Dogs?
They're getting
run over by jeeps.
Get out of here!
No. Your emotions
are all churned up.
You're not doing
yourself a favor
keeping a cork on it.
Let it out.
Let out what?
There is nothing to let out!
I'm not churned up.
I'm not emotional.
If you want to cork something,
go cork your mouth. Go. Go.
-Will you just get out?
-All right, Margaret, listen.
I saw you sneaking
food to that dog all week.
This morning he got run over.
You trying to tell me
you're not upset by that?
I've got people
dying all around me!
You think I'd get upset
because a dog gets run over?
Why should I get
upset about a--
about a little dog?
[sobbing]
[footsteps approaching]
How's he doing?
Much better. He's resting.
Cooper.
Yes?
I've been a little
rough on you.
I want you to know
that I'm sorry.
You mean that, Major?
Yes, I do.
This place gets to everybody,
and sooner or later,
you can't help but let it out.
That's very understanding
of you, Major. Thank you.
Why the change?
None of your business.
Just get back to work,
and don't let it get to you.
I won't, Major.
Come on, Radar!
Show it to us.
Not now, sirs.
I'm busy working.
Good. When you work,
you should roll up
your sleeves.
So we can see your tattoo.
-That won't do it, sir.
-Must be on his chest.
Radar, take off
your shirt.
That won't do it, either. Heh!
Radar, did you
tattoo your tush?
Well, I didn't want you guys
talkin' me out of it,
and I didn't want anybody
to see it, either.
Radar, we're not
just anybody.
We're your comrades
in arms.
Your bosom buddies.
Aw, come on!
A person has a right
to their own nudeness.
That doesn't even
make sense.
You dropped your pants
for the tattooist.
He's a stranger.
We're family.
More than that, we're doctors.
We need to check for infection.
[chuckles]
Oh, no, no, no.
Radar, let's see it.
No, sir, sir.
Corporal,
and for the time being
you still are a corporal,
let me remind you
of one thing.
As your commanding officer,
it's my duty to inspect
any part of this camp.
Colonel, do you mean to tell me
that I'm gonna have to--
Drop 'em.
Oh, boy.
Okay. But this
is under protest.
Understood.
-Wow!
-Betcha it's the Mona Lisa.
-With that smile?
-There!
Well, I'll be
hornswoggled!
-Will you look at that?
-This is embarrassing.
-It's a teddy bear.
-But it's so tiny!
Well, he didn't want
anything ostentatious.
I didn't want anything
showy, either.
Well, you did it, Radar.
No butts about it.
You know you're gonna
have to live with that
for the rest
of your life.
No, no, no, it'll come off.
Only when the bottom
drops out.
No, I was afraid
of that dirty needle,
and I had him
draw it on with ink.
It'll come off
when I take a bath.
My God,
it is permanent.
- Oh, Radar?
- Yes, sir?
[metal clanking]
Did you send out those
406 forms to I-Corps?
Uh, yeah. I did sir.
I mailed out the forms
three days ago.
-Thank you.
-Uhh!
-[whistles]
-Radar, you had me worried.
Thought you were havin'
some kind of an attack.
So now it's body building.
At least muscles are something
you can really show off.
Yeah, but you wind up
being a slave to your body.
Then you get tired
of lifting weights,
and all those muscles
turn into flab overnight.
Chuck it, Radar.
Think I will, sir.
Good boy. Now, if you really
want to do some lifting,
go to the mess tent and lift
some of those oatmeal cookies.
You know the ones I like--
-with the stale raisins.
-With the stale raisins.
Yes,
right away, sir.
[door opens, shuts]
Ahem.
♪♪ [theme]