M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 2 - Fallen Idol - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Oh.

Lieutenant?

Your journal came.

Radar, you have
anything for me?

Do I... do...
I... do... hi.

-Radar.
-Do I have a...

Did I get a letter?

Oh, no,
I don't think so.

But if I might say,

that's a very nice towel
you're wearing, Lieutenant.



Look at this, you dodo.

You're standing here
talking to yourself.

-Mail call.
-Sensational!

Anything in
a pale blue envelope

smells as though
it was written by a girl

in a summer dress,
a spray of lilac at her elbow?

You got a letter
from your congressman

that the mail truck threw

into Colonel Potter's
corral by mistake.

-I think I'll pass.
-I'll take anything
from my family

-no matter how it smells.
-It smells like crayons.

Sure it's not from
my congressman?

Hey, Radar. What's up?
You look down.

Well, to tell you the truth,
can I talk to you guys?



-To tell you the truth,
why not?
-Pull up a bunk.

Hey, thanks.

Um... Well, I'm very
concerned about something

which concerns my life here.

What's the trouble, Andy?

Well... I don't think

that this place
isn't turning out

to be that great
an experience for me.

I mean, I work under
terrible pressures

and there's lots of death
and destruction and stuff.

But other than that,

I don't think I'm getting
much out of it.

I knew there was something
wrong with this place.

I mean,
the army's supposed to...

well, it's supposed to make
a man out of you, isn't it?

Well, it depends which
sex you are to start with.

I mean, you have to
meet them halfway.

Well, I'm just basically
the same person

that I was
that I came in with.

You think you could have run
an outfit this big

before you came over here?

Well, that's just
being a good clerk.

What would you rather be?

Okay, now, listen,
this is just talk.

-Yeah, yeah.
-I mean, it's just sort
of thinking out loud.

Yeah, yeah. Right.

-What do you want to be?
-Oh.

A hot lover.

Or even a cold one,
I don't care.

What makes you think the Army
can help you with that?

When my uncle Ed came home
from World War I,

his mother could tell
by the look in his eyes

he hadn't been a good boy
in France.

She cried for three days.

I just know when I go home,
my mother's gonna take
one look at me

and chuckle for a week.

Radar, you're working yourself
into a froth over nothing.

Oh, nothing, huh?

Look, it's not such a big deal.

Write yourself a weekend pass,

borrow a jeep, and go down
to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.

Find some nice lady
who reminds you of your father

and let nature
take its course.

You mean, go to
the Pink Pagoda in Seoul,

make friends with a lady,
and let nature take its course?

Well, that's another way
of putting it, yes.

Maybe you're not cut out
for a life of depravity.
Stick to sniffing letters.

Yeah, but I'm the only one
that's going to leave this place

younger than I was
when I came in.

So go to Seoul.
Get it over with.

You mean actually
go to Seoul, and...

you know...

A little "you know"
never hurt anybody.

Some of our greatest
presidents did "you know."

So let him wait'll
he's elected. Don't rush him.

Who's rushing him?
He's over 12.

Radar, relax. When the time
is right, you'll go.

-Your glasses are fogging. Go.
-Okay.

Okay, I will.

Next week.

Now!

Okay, okay, now.

You know something?

I feel different already.

I think I'm getting a fever.

Hey!

Any of you guys from Iowa?

Yeah. You headed that way?

Oh, no. I'm going
into Seoul to, uh...

[clearing throat]
Just going into Seoul.

I wish I was.
It's been so long

since I've been
to Seoul to, uh...

[clearing throat]

...hardly know what
it's like anymore.

-Right.
-[soldiers laughing]

I want X-rays here--

pelvis and lumbar area.

All right, this guy can wait.

Let me look at this
other man over here.

Shoulder wounds.

Uh... get some plasma.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Let me look at his chest.

-B.J.!
-Coming, Mother.

B.J., it's Radar!

Oh, my God.

What did I do to him?

You didn't do anything to him.

He was hit by mortar fire.

Is his chest all right?

I don't know. We'll have
to look around in there.

Get him in there
and prep him.

What a dumb, stupid thing.

I sent him into the middle
of a war on a date.

Come on, let's check
the rest of these guys.

I could have killed him.

What the hell was he doing
out there in a jeep anyway?

What a waste.

I'll go in and see
how bad it is as soon
as they get him to sleep.

-I'm going to work on him.
-Why don't you let B.J. do it?

You don't look
all that relaxed...

I'm working on him.

Okay, fine.

Can I have it quiet?
I'm trying to operate?

-Right, we're just
carving turkeys.
-Shut up, Charles.

Are you gonna
keep us in suspense,

or are you gonna
tell us how he's doing?

It's not as bad as it looked.

There's a lot of muscle damage,
but the vital organs are okay.

So why, may I ask,
are we being treated

to this inordinate demand
for silence?

I'll explain it later,
Charles,

while I'm sitting
on your chest

so Hawkeye can beat you
with both fists.

Criminy.
Will you guys cork it?

We're up to our
ankles in wit.

[loud yawn]

Innkeeper, buy everybody
a drink. It's on me.

There's no everybody
left, Hawk.

My-- My swallower's
gone back to camp.

Nothing but a fickle
camp swallower.

-You did great.
-Yeah.

No, really. You did great.

He'll run like a new model
in a few weeks.

I thought I killed him,
you know?

I know.

He's such a cute
little guy, you know?

Yeah.

You know that my hands
were shaking?

I had butterflies.

I've held people's
hearts in my hand,

and with him I was nervous.

Am I boring you?

I've heard this
four times already.

I know how it ends.

How does it end? I wasn't
here for the early show.

You start crying and sing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Can we go home?

♪ If funny little
bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Away above
the sky so high ♪

♪ Then why, oh, why
Oh, why, oh, why-- ♪

-Will you shut him up?
-Sh-Shh.

That's the third time
tonight

he's awakened me with
that idiotic song!

Oh, really? Oh, really?

That happens to be
the national anthem of Iowa,

from where comes
Judy Garland, the Tin Man,

and Radar O'Reilly!

I think you will find
that the characters

lurching through
your febrile mind

come from Kansas.

Wake me up early.

I want to check Radar
in post-op.

I'll check Radar.

You sleep it off.
Unclench your toe!

And clench your mouth.

Clench yours, you hairless
parsnip! Ha ha ha ha!

MAN [on P.A.]:
Rise and shine, folks!

Incoming on the helipad!

All personnel,
grab your socks!

I think we better
let him sleep.

The man said
all personnel.

Charles, he's only
been asleep for two hours.

You know his body hasn't
had time to detoxify.

His body should have
thought of that last night.

Rise and shine,
blue brains.

What? What?

Surgery, Hawk.

Good. Have my brain removed.

Sleep. If things get rough,
I'll send for you.

Oh, no. Colonel Potter's not
going to rush me in my work

just so he can sleep off
a gallon of hooch.

Don't yell!
[groans]

Stay here and sleep, Hawk.

I'll do my share.

Is this my shoe?

It's your pants.

Good, where do they go?

In your case,
over your head.

Really, Charles, if that
weren't so amusing,

one might laugh.

-[groans]
-Not over here.

Well, who's next?
I'm nearly finished.

We're real proud
of you, speedy.

Wipe.

-B.J.: How's it going, Hawk?
-Huh?

-How's it going?
-I can't talk, I'm operating.

Oh, where is the badinage
of yesteryear?

Shut your hole, Charles.

What's eating him now?

This breakfast session
caught us a little off guard.

Aren't you over here
on the American plan?

[chuckles]
Well said, Colonel.

-Pertinent
and pithy persiflage.
-Oh, poo-poo-pa-doo.

-Who's got free hands?
-What the matter?

I need somebody
to suture this mesentery

while I step outside
for a minute.

Hold it in.
Stand on one foot,
like the rest of us.

Look, I'm not kidding.
Charles, are you free?

Yes, but I don't see why
this should come off my time.

You know why
just as well as I do.
Have a little heart.

Winchester, get your
persiflage over there.

Pierce, go out
and come in again.

Let's get on with this.

If you'll excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen,

with your very kind permission,
uh, I'm gonna, uh--

What is it with him?

We got home kind of late
last night.

Well, kind of late
this morning.

And you think he may
have poisoned himself

on the hors d'oeuvres
at Rosie's bar.

Well, that's just dandy.

Colonel, you know nothing like
this has ever happened before.

It better not
be happening now.

Baker, tell Pierce to get
back here tout suite.

He's a little indisposed
right now, Colonel.

Indisposed?

He's laying over
an oil drum throwing up.

CHARLES:
Well, well, well.

How the mighty have fallen.

[Charles humming]

Look, you can walk around
with your brains at half-mast

24 hours a day
for all I care.

But when that chopper
hits the pad,

I expect you to be able to tie
a slipknot in a matchbox.

[sighs]

It's incomprehensible to me

that a surgeon of your caliber

would walk into an operating
room with a bag on.

Okay,
let's hear some talk.

-What's your explanation?
-I screwed up.

-I presume
it won't happen again.
-That's right.

Well, this little talk
has been terribly reassuring.

God, I hate this place.

You seemed to be enjoying it
well enough last night.

I thought I was celebrating,
but it was really
drinking in anger.

Every time I thought
of Radar lying on that table

with his chest laid open
in front of me,

I socked another shot
into my body

because I didn't have
anyone else's body to sock.

Have you seen him today?
He's doing great.

I'll go in there when I can
screw a smile on my face.

I'll lend you one of mine.
Got a drawer full them.

So that's your secret.

I can't tell you
what a jerk I feel like.

Listen, anybody'd
feel like a jerk

if they'd done what you did.

Thanks.
That really perks me up.

That's all right.

Hiya, kid.

Hey, Klinger.

Gee, you look nice.

Yeah, I don't get
to wear this suit much,

and it took me hours
gettin' the darts out.

Here, I brought you
some flowers.

Oh...

I didn't know cornflowers
was blooming yet.

They're not. I got them off one
of my hats.

Don't put them in water.
The color will run.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

Sure.

So, listen,
what did they say?

Is everything going to work
right and everything?

Well, B.J. was by before,
and Major Winchester

and they said I was
going to be all right.

Has Hawkeye been around
to check you over yet?

No, not yet.

He's feeling a little
out of sorts.

Yeah, so I hear.

Well, well, well,
what have we here?

Listen, I'll see you, okay?

Right. Thanks a lot,
Klinger.

Radar,
I told you a hundred times

never go driving in Korea
without a steel parasol.

You're going to be fine.

I even put extra muscle
in your arms

so you'll look good
at the beach.

How long am I going
to be laid up, sir?

"Sir"? Aren't we being
kind of formal?

I mean, after all,
I did walk barefoot
through your pectorals.

Can you do that?

-Yeah.
-Oh, good.

Hear you had to leave
the O.R. this morning.

That's right, I did.

Somebody said you had
to go outside to throw up.

That's right.

How come?

Well, I've always wanted
to barf on Uijeongbu,

and I just thought
the time was ripe.

Wouldn't be anything else,
would it?

No, unless it was the fact

that most of my blood came
out of a Scotch bottle.

I wouldn't know about that.
I'm not a doctor.

But I am, so I'm not
allowed to be human,
is that it?

You walked out on a patient,

and Major Winchester
had to finish for you.

So? I'd have done the same
for him if he was sick.

Well, a lot of people
don't look at it

like you were sick, Hawkeye.

A lot of people look up
to you here.

They admire you,
and they kind of feel

like they want to be like you.

And, gee, when you walk out
on an operation,

they kind of feel like
you let them down.

If they can't depend on you,
well, they figure, well...

maybe there's no point
in depending on anything.

Look, you can't lay all that
on my shoulders.

Don't you know how much
this place stinks?

Don't you know
what it's like

to stand day after day
in blood?

In the blood of children?

I hate this place.

If I can't stand up to it
to your satisfaction,

then-- then the hell
with it.

How dare you!

The hell with
your Iowan naiveté,

your hero worship,
and your teddy bear.

And while you're at it,
the hell with you!

Why don't you grow up,
for crying out loud?

I'm not here
for you to admire.

I'm here to pull bodies
out of a sausage grinder,

if possible, without
going crazy. Period.

Come on, cut it out.

Stop it, will you?

You ninny!

I don't know
how it happened.

One minute we're talking,

and the next minute,
I'm standing there

watching this crazy man
scream at Radar.

What don't you go back
and talk to him again?

I don't think
I can face him again.

I can't believe I did it!

-[knocking]
-Hello?

Come in, Father.

I wonder if I might,
uh, uh...

Have a seat, Father.

I just left Radar.

Now, Hawkeye,
please accept this

in the spirit intended.

You're under
enormous pressure here,

and I just want to know
one little thing.

Have you lost your mind?

Father, you don't know
how sorry I am.

I mean, that boy is lying
there in a hospital bed

with tubes sticking
out of his body

and you--
you call him a ninny?

-Father...
-I'm incensed!

I am outraged!

Where's your decency, man,
your humanity?

-I am acrimonious!
-Father...

I'm not a man given to physical
demonstrations of emotion,

but let me tell you,
I am persuaded to violence!

-Go ahead, Father.
-Why, I think I will!

I'm glad you let it out,
Father.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I found it particularly
unsatisfying.

And if you want
to know the truth,

it's entirely possible
I've broken my toe!

Gee, you have a marvelous
effect on people.

What the hell's the matter
with you? Are you nuts?

-I think I must be, yes.
-I think you are.

I no sooner give you
a lecture on one patient

then you go in and try
to destroy another!

Maybe we should aim you
at the Chinese!

-I'd like to talk to you!
-This oughta be good.

-What is the matter with you?
-Just a minute, Major.

I have something to say
on that subject--

Just hang on!
You'll get your turn!

I'll get my turn?
I'm the commanding officer!

I beg your pardon, Colonel.
Please, go right ahead.

Thank you. Your behavior
is incomprehensible again!

You have a boy there
fresh out of the cornfield

who is highly vulnerable
and impressionable,

not to mention the fact
that he worships you.

Although why, I can't see!

And you make this kid
the target

of the most bellicose
barrelful of Bull Durham

anybody's
ever heard you utter!

And I, for one,
have heard you utter plenty!

If you don't mind,
I rehearsed this as a single.

And you're doing fine.
Really.

Gee, Major,
I appreciate that.

Now will you clam up?

This boy's been told

he's nothing more than
a pimple on a flea

by the man whose
opinion he values

more than anyone
in the world!

And I think you damn well

better do something
about it!

-Now what do you think?
-I think you're right.

Who...

I never got to say anything!

-How's Radar doing?
-He's doing fine.

You're not going to talk
to him again, are you?

I just want to sit
with him for a minute.

I feel awful.

He's so fragile, you know?

Radar, I'd like to apologize.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can just forget it.

Just forget it!
Hell with me, huh?

The hell with you!
How about that?

And another thing.
I wanna tell you something.

Anybody says
anything about Iowa

better be prepared
to back it up, pal.

I'll give you a fistful
of Iowan naiveté

that's right in the puss!

-How about that?
-No, let him go.

You know, I don't need you
to tell me what's what.

I know what's what
just as well as you do.

So why don't you just crawl
back in your bottle of booze

and pickle yourself?
[chuckles]

[whistling]

Well, sitting with
all your friends, I see.

Gee, Charles,
you were the one person

I was counting on
for a little compassion.

This may come
as a surprise to you,

but I really do
feel for you.

-Yeah?
-My, yes, I certainly do.

A very painful episode

for a surgeon of your
expertise to endure.

Actually, you know,

I had a similar experience
once myself.

A little, uh,
peccadillo backfired.

Nearly got me
thrown out of school.

Of course,
I was 14 at the time.

I wasn't a grown man
like you are.

Doctor, do try to learn
a little self-discipline.

I'm working on it
right now.

Oh.

How's everything going here?

Oh, sir, I was just
thinking about you.

Uh, I was going over
the duty roster in my head,

and I think if I had some paper,
I could get it out for you.

Oh, that's okay, Radar.
Rest your roster.

Klinger will work on it.

I understand you and Hawkeye
had a little to-do.

Yes, sir.

He's very fond of you,
Radar.

Oh, really, sir?

You know, they say
time heals all wounds.

It's true.

Look, next week when you're
up and walking around,

you many run into Hawkeye.

And you'll probably
start talking about
the weather

or the food or something,
and before you know it,

you might realize
he's the same guy

you always liked
when you looked up to him.

In fact, you might
even like him better,

now that you can see him
more... eye-to-eye,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, I know what
you're trying to say, sir.

Well, good.

We'll see.

Hawkeye!
Long time no see, no?

Yeah. I've been staying away
from the firewater, Rosie.

-You got trouble
with your liver?
-No.

Hi, Rosie.

Hi, Radar!

-Sit.
-Okay, thanks.

-Grape Nehi?
-Uh, yeah, I guess so.

-Uh, Hawkeye?
-Uh, beer, I guess, Rosie.

Okay.

Hi, sailor.
You come here often?

-Oh, hi.
-Hmm.

Sure is some stretch
of warm weather we're having.

Yeah, it really has been warm.

It's been, uh, very warm.

Yeah.

Did you try that breakfast
this morning?

The sausages were ice-cold.

Yeah, I heard about that.

I usually give them a sniff,
you know, but, uh...

I heard they were really cold.

-Yeah, they were really--
-Cold.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

Sure is some stretch
of weather.

Warm.

Yeah.

[sighs]
Oy!

Look, I'd like to say
I'm sorry.

This whole thing probably
never would have happened

if I wasn't so guilty
about getting you wounded
in the first place.

Well, gee,
that wasn't your fault.

And if you really
have to worship

the ground I walk on,

I guess I can take it.

Well, that's okay.

Um, I'd just soon not.

Oh, okay.
That's nice too.

One grape Nehi.

One beer.

[whistling]

Hey, Radar, it's not
your birthday, is it?

No. Why?

You just got
some costume jewelry

from President Truman.

-I think he's sweet on you.
-Huh?

Okay if I nail that on?

Hey!
That's a Purple Heart!

Oh, good. I hate it
when presidents get fresh.

Wow! A citation. Wonder
what my mom's gonna say.

She'll probably say
her boy has changed
over here.

And she'll be right.

Yeah, I guess so.

You still going
to talk to us,

now that you're a hero
and everything?

Oh, sure, I still talk
to ordinary people.

Radar, I'm going
to do something now

I've hardly ever
done before.

You're not going to
kiss me, are you?

Thank you, sir.

Don't get hurt again,
will you?

That's probably
what my mom will say.

♪♪ [theme]