M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 3 - Last Laugh - full transcript

BJ's friend Leo, who is even an even bigger practical joker than Hawkeye, stops by for a visit and informs BJ that he is going home. However, this doesn't stop him from playing one last prank on BJ as he frames him for causing a disturbance in a Tokyo hotel, which gets him in hot water with a general. It is then up to Hawkeye and Potter to go to headquarters to clear BJ before he get's sent to the stockade.

♪♪ [theme]

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G

♪ H, I, J, K

-♪ L, M, N, O, P
-♪ L, M, N, O, P

♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V, W...

♪ A, B, C, D...

Radar, keep your alphabet
to yourself.

Somebody put "X"
before "W."

-I did.
-Why?

I lost my head
in the heat of battle.

[phone ringing]



-I got it!
-Beat you!

MASH 4077.

Colonel Potter.

Yes?

I'm the C.O.

What?

Well, that's impossible.

There must be some mistake.

I've seen the man work.

I can assure you, Colonel,

there is no need
for an investigation.

Very well, if you insist.

It's none of my business, sir,
but your lips are turning white.

Provo Marshal's office.



They're sending
a colonel up here

-to investigate B.J.
-Wow!

Claim he's an imposter,
not a doctor.

Oh, he took some blood
out of my arm the other day.

Radar, the man's a doctor.

Whoa, Habibi! Easy! Easy,
Habibi! [trills]

-Don't bump your humps.
-What do you want?

Bad timing, my faithful camel.

-Camel, my butt.
-[shushing, trilling]

Isn't she a magnificent beast?
A two-humper.

Easy. Easy. Whoa, Habibi.
Whoa. Stop that!

Sorry, sir.
High-spirited camels spit.

-Why is it Tuesdays
are always the worst?
-Isn't she a beauty, sir?

Those gleaming yellow teeth,
set against her brown
camel-hair coat.

Klinger, I'm gonna write home
to my mom about this one.

With Habibi's permission,
oh "bespeckled" one of
the pale flesh.

Look at her, Colonel.
Gracious transportation
with economy.

A thousand miles per hump.

Klinger, I got a big problem.
Now blow.

As you command, sahib.

Come, oh faithful
ship of the desert.

Ah! Ah! Ah!
[trills] Ah!

I can hear the call
of the oasis now.

[trills, grunts]

Sir, I know there was no camel
in here, but there's a smell.

Lebanese aftershave.

[jet passes overhead]

-Two trays, Klinger?
-One for me and one
for my camel, Habibi.

Oh. Is your camel with you?

Right at my side.

I surmised that was the case.

Klinger, can I make
a personal observation?

Sure. Oh! Cease!
Stop curling your lips.

You'll get your potatoes.

If you'd take all the energy
you devote to these
discharge schemes

and put it into prayer,

the war would be over
and you'd be home.

My Toledo priest
is working on that.

Hold the meat loaf.
A camel is not a carnivore.

[trills] No spitting.
Watch the spitting.

[chuckles]
Ah, tapioca!

But if you want the finest
tapioca in the world,
get thee to a nunnery.

So why don't I drop over
to your tent around 9:30
tonight?

I'll bring a canteen of gin
and some Fig Newtons and,
uh, we'll, uh...

-Cheese it, the cops.
-Hawkeye.

-Father.
-Jennifer.
-Father.

-Don't let me interrupt.
-Oh, no. Nothing important.

We were discussing the ups
and downs of doctor/nurse
relationships.

-Always the professional.
-Oh, yeah.

-Sir, can I eat?
It's meatloaf.
-Enjoy the mystery.

-Hawkeye, where's B.J.?
-Am I my doctor's keeper?

-I've got to see him.
Something very important.
-What's up?

There's a Provo Marshal
coming here.

He's going to investigate B.J.

Claims he's an impostor,
not a doctor.

Well, I could have
told you that.

He's a piano player
in a bawdy house.

Wild talk today.

Your tapioca's blushing.

I told this colonel it's crazy,
but they're investigating.

-Who's investigating?
-The Provo marshal.

-Who?
-You.

-Me?
-Say you're not a doctor.

Shucks!
I knew they'd find out.

-Excuse me.
-Don't go.

After B.J. exposes himself,
there's gonna be dancing.

-Oh, sure.
-It goes on and on.

I think he's a spy.
Are you a spy?

I'm not allowed to say.

Pierce, I've had a bad day.

What league are
the Brooklyn Dodgers in?

League of
Women Voters.

So far, he's right.

Who got down on one knee
and sang "Mammy"?

-Father Mulcahy.
-Right again.

I prefer to observe
rather than participate in this.

Colonel Potter, I must
talk to you right away.

-Is it medical?
-No, it's personal.

-Not now, Major.
-It's important!

It's always important!

When's the last time
I came to you?
I ask so little.

-And she gives so much.
-You stay out of this!

-I'm out! I'm out!
-Please, Colonel,
I must see you right away.

All right.
In my office in half an hour.

The Army has no gratitude.

-Talk to the owners.
-Listen, you guys,
serious up.

That Colonel will be here
this afternoon.

Come on.
This is ridiculous.

The army has
all my credentials.

Acme medical school.

Residency at Joe's
Hospital and Auto Supply.

And then there's my practice
at Schultz's Mortuary.

I know all that,
but this Colonel
what's-his-name...

Bardonaro... sounded
pretty sure of himself.

[chuckles] W-wait a minute.
Is that Leo Bardonaro?

-That's the bird.
-[laughs]

The spy laughed, refusing
both cigarette and blindfold.

Leo Bardonaro is an old
friend of mine from Stanford.

Stationed not far from here.
He lives for practical jokes.

I knew there had to be
a herring in the pickle barrel.

This whole bit
must be his way of saying

he's gonna come see
me this afternoon.

-You're not a spy?
-Sorry.

You've ruined
my whole evening.

I was gonna take a date
to your execution.

-[brakes squeak]
-Yeah. You gotta watch out
for this guy.

You never know
what he's gonna do. He was
the best man at my wedding.

Formal occasion, so he wore
a white towel and black tie.

-No carnation?
-My honeymoon, he put a
lizard in my alligator bag.

-So your bag
wouldn't be lonely.
-Naturally.

Yo, B.J.!

-Leo! Hey, how you doing?
-Great. Great.

Good to see you.
Leo Bardonaro, Hawkeye Pierce.

Uh... just checking
for a hand buzzer.

Oh, come on.
Kid stuff. No imagination.

Hey, listen.
You really had our C.O.
going crazy earlier.

Really?
That's great.

-How 'bout a belt?
-Uh, did he make it?

No, no, no. I manufacture.
He's just a shipping clerk.

-Oh, good. Cigar?
-No, thanks.

-Oh. B.J.?
-Sure.

What, are you crazy?
It's probably loaded.

Kid stuff.
We gave that up 10 years ago.

Our practical jokes
are creative. We don't
put bombs in cigars.

It spoils the taste.
I'll take that one.

-Eh...
-Here. Gimme that. Here.

Hey, remember that time
in the dean's office?

Mmm!
[laughs]

One time-- One time
we stole a taxicab.

Took it apart completely
and put it back together
in the dean's office.

-With the meter
running, I hope.
-Ran it up to 800 bucks.

[laughing]

Mm.
[coughs]

What do you
call this stuff?

-Old underwear.
-Strained through G.I. skivvies.

-Terrific.
-Leo, what brings you up
to the boonies?

-I'm goin' home.
-[groans]

Hey, I had to say good-bye.
Got my orders in my jacket.
I'm heading stateside.

-You dog. I would give
anything to go home.
-What, are you homesick?

He cries himself to sleep
so often, he's gotta wear
water wings to bed.

It's lucky you bunk with a guy
that's got a sense of humor.

He's serious.

[laughing]

Hey, I got a plane to catch.
What time is it?

-It's 1:30.
-1:30. Bye.

What is that?
You just got here.

Well, listen.
I gotta cut it short.

If you're ever in America,
be sure and look me up.
I'm in the book.

-Where do you live?
-Where do I live? Philly.

My father's in
Crabapple Cove, Maine.
Would you call him, Leo?

-Why? Is his name Leo too?
-No jokes.

Just tell him I'm fine,
and I'm happy he's not here.

Glad to do it.
Sure. Hey, B.J.

-Hey, Leo. All right, buddy.
-Take care of yourself.

-[both grunt]
-I'll call Peg as soon
as we land in Frisco.

-Would you?
I'd appreciate that.
-I couldn't resist...

this Provo Marshal bit.

-No problem. No problem.
-Sorry, fella.

-Hawkeye, it's
been a pleasure.
-Me too.

-[hand buzzer buzzes]
-[yells]

Bye. Yo!

He gotcha!
He gotcha!

[B.J. laughing]

-[jeep departing]
-[cigar explodes]

[laughs]
Oh, he gotcha!

But I must get to Tokyo.
I must see Donald!

-No, I can't spare you.
-Three days!

Nope.

-Colonel, may I be clinical?
-Shoot.

It's important for Donald's
morale and personal well-being.

You see, Donald is a man,
and you know how men are.

You've been away
from Mrs. Potter a long time.

Surely, you must
feel yearnings.

Yeah, she does make
a hell of a raisin cupcake.

You've forgotten
what it's like to be young!

Listen, missy, I don't
take those cold showers
just 'cause I'm dirty.

Well, then you do understand.

I mean, Donald is very virile.

-Here's the supply record.
-Will you butt out!
This is man talk!

I'm sorry, sir!

Colonel, please,
let me put it another way.

-How's he doing?
-His vital signs still
aren't stable.

Give him another unit of
plasma and continue I.V.s
as ordered.

[clears throat]
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt?

The tall chap
in the bowling shoes.

I know who he is.
These M.P.'s wanna see him.

B.J., didn't you see
the no parking sign
by the latrine?

I only stopped to
mail a letter.

-Captain Hunnicutt?
-The same.

We're from the Provo Marshal,
and I'm sorry to say you're
under arrest, sir.

[chuckles]
Bardonaro again.

-His way of saying good-bye?
-Probably.

Look, uh, Sergeant.
This is all a big joke.
I'm very busy.

-We've got a lot of people
to tend to here.
-Captain, this is no joke.

Here's the arrest order.

[snickers]

By order of Major General Fox?
Who's Fox?

You know, short,
red-haired guy

with the long nose,
steals chickens.

I'm afraid you'll
have to come along, Captain.

-Oh, bull!
-Now, sir.

-Blow, will you? I'm busy.
-I-I'll get the Colonel.

Look, guy.
This is all a joke.

Forget it and I'll get you
some silk stockings.

-Sorry.
-Then how about some
for your girl?

Sergeant, I went to school
with this guy. He's a Captain.

Biggest practical joker in
the world. Do you read me?

Bottle of scotch?
How about a free operation?

Appendix? Gallstones?

What's this about one of my
surgeons being arrested?

-It's got to be
Bardonaro again.
-Let me see the order.

"Willful misconduct"?

This is no practical joke.
This is a bona fide charge.

Enough of this fooling around.
Let's get down to some
serious bribery.

How about $14
in unmarked bills?

-You're in serious trouble.
-Mm-hmm.

I'll get on the switchboard
so you can call Major
General Fox.

-[Potter echoing Radar]
-[clanging]

Klinger, take your shovel
and hit the road.

-Just cleaning up the mess
my Habibi made, sir.
-Bull.

-Oh, no, sir, camel.
-Out.

-As you command.
-RADAR: General Fox
is on the line, sir.

General Fox?
Sherm Potter.

Right. The M.P.s
are here now.

What's this
all about, Fred?

He what?

Girls? Steaks?

Naked in the tub?

Oh, in the hall.

Can't be. He was here.

What proof?

We'll be there.
Good-bye, General.

-What?
-Supposedly,
10 days ago in Seoul,

-the general was staying
at the Grand Hotel.
-The Grand Central Hotel.

In the next room, you were
throwing a wild party,

loud music with
a bunch of bimbos.

I thought we were friends.

-Why wasn't I invited?
-You? I wasn't even invited.

Then you went out on the
balcony and barbecued steaks.

Teriyaki steaks on a hibachi.

Radar, were you listening
on the other phone?

A little.

Well, the general's room
filled with smoke,
somebody yelled "fire,"

and forced the general
and his secretary to run
into the hallway, naked.

-Naked?
-He, uh...

-was dictating to her.
-Hmm.

Uh, in the bathtub.

Oh, sure.
And chickens have pyorrhea.

-Colonel, I was here
10 days ago.
-With me.

-We were having a company
sock wash.
-Who was there?

-The dirty sock crowd.
-Colonel, I have orders

to get the prisoner
back by 2100 hours.

-Okay, okay.
-What do you mean okay?

You're gonna give in
to a naked general when
I got wounded in post-op?

A naked general still
outranks a dressed wound.

-We'll cover for you, Beej.
-Let's go, Captain.

Uh, can I say something?
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt...

-Mm-hmm.
-I'll write you
every day, sir.

Thank you, Radar.

Even if you're there
for three years.

Thank you, Radar.

Don't worry, son.
We'll have this cleared up
before you know it.

This whole thing
is so stupid!

-That's exactly
what Dreyfus said.
-Buzz off.

Now, look, son.
We'll gather up
all the work logs.

We've got plenty of proof
you were here.

Hawkeye and I'll be along
as quick as we can.

B.J., I just heard. Here.
Take these rosary beads.

-Thank you, Father.
I'm not catholic.
-It can't hurt.

If it doesn't work,
you can use them
to strangle the guard.

[engine starts]

We'll be about an hour
behind you.

-I'll come on a conjugal visit.
-Knock off the didoes, Pierce.

We've got work to do.
I'll need you as a witness.

-Anything I can do?
-Pray.

Oh. That's all
I ever get to do.

-Colonel Potter,
I must talk to you.
-Not now.

But you've got to let me go
to Tokyo. I must see Donald.

If I don't,
Donald'll go crazy.

-Major, we've got a crisis!
-So has Donald!

Pierce, there might be
some duty logs in post-op.

Aye, aye. Margaret,
I have a prescription
for your problem.

-Oh.
-A tall, dark surgeon
with the hands of Paganini...

-and the eyes of George Raft.
-I'm a married person.

-Get going, Pierce.
-Uh-huh.

Shave and put on
your class "A" uniform.

Got it.
Bow tie and saddle shoes.

Colonel, I'm begging you.

I sympathize with you, Major.

Your Colonel Penobscott
is away from the one he loves.

So tell him to take
two laps around Tokyo,

preferably in a cold rain.

Oh! Habibi!

[trilling]

Ha! Ha!

[groans]

-You sure you put
everything in there?
-Yes, sir.

-Daily reports and duty logs.
-Good man.

I also put in some
of your ear swabs, sir.

Good. I wax up on these trips.

Where the hell is Hawkeye?

Captain Pierce!

Keep shouting like that,
you'll break your glasses.

Sorry I'm late.
My zipper was mildewed.

Let's go. Left at Chang Yung,
right to Miju,

left at Chikchisa,
then Yang Pong into Seoul.

Got all that?

-I'll follow the yellow
brick road.
-Whatever.

-Hi.
-Shut up. Get a call
through to my husband...

Lieutenant Colonel Donald
Penobscott, H.Q., second army
division, Tokyo.

Oh, sorry, ma'am,
Colonel's orders.

No personal calls
until after 1700 hours.

How would you like to be
up to your knees in floor?

Roger. Sparky?

Sparky! Oh, hi, Sparky.
It's Radar.

Listen, I gotta
get through to Tokyo.

-Oh?
-What?

Uh, Sparky,
this is top priority.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Um, I'm sorry, ma'am.
One of their generators
burned out

and they won't get
another frequency
till after midnight.

-[screams]
-[screams]

Oh, look what you've done!
My in-going and my outgoing.

-Now it's all in my out.
-Stuff it, you little shrimp!

-What I...
-No! No, no, no.

-Ma'am, this is official stuff.
-I'm sick of it!

-I'm sick of all of you!
-Oh, no!

-I'm sick of the army!
-That's all in
alphabetical order!

For Pete's sake!

"Oh, we need you, Houlihan.
We need you."

Always me! Always me!
Why? Why? Why?

Well, you've been in the Army
a long time. You're older.

Thanks for nothing!

You're very dependable
and kind to the enlisted.

This man occupied a hotel room
adjacent to mine.

He created an inordinate
amount of smoke,
interrupting my...

official dictation...

motivating me
into a drafty hallway.

But, general, the duty logs,
the daily reports.

Everything shows that Captain
Hunnicutt was at the 4077.

Well, anybody
could have signed those.

That's the oldest dodge
in the army.

-I have Captain Pierce
as a witness.
-He was with me in surgery.

I took some shell fragments
out of a south Korean soldier.

Right. That corporal
who gave you the water
buffalo horn for an ashtray.

What time were you two
supposed to be in surgery?

Uh, right here.
Um, 0600 to 1117.

Plenty of time to get
to Seoul by chopper.

He never left camp.
We had a company sock wash
that night.

Colonel, did you witness
this... company sock wash?

Uh, it was for
the younger crowd.

General, we have
overwhelming evidence.

So do I.

Photostat of the hotel
register.

"B.J. Hunnicutt
and a party of favorites"?

Sir, that's not
my signature.

That signature
could be forged.
The oldest dodge in the Army.

All boils down
to your word against ours.

What do these say to you?

Always trust your car
to the man who wears a star.

-Clam up, Captain!
-[Hawkeye mumbles]

I have additional evidence.

Hunnicutt, you left in such
a hurry, you left your hat.

-Sir, that's not my hat.
-Put it on.

General, I have never
seen this hat as long
as my head has lived.

There's one way to prove it.
Put it on.

It's his hat, all right.

POTTER: Let's celebrate
our victory over the brass.

Pull over under
that tree, Hawkeye.

-Rest stop!
-B.J., break out
one of those bottles.

You got it!

Practical jokes.
You can have them.

-That miserable Bardonaro.
-Ahh!

That'll clean
your rifle barrel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Easy, Hawkeye, easy.

Don't talk to the driver
while he's drinking.

-You know, practical jokes
are really cruel.
-Right.

-Right. Vicious.
-Right.

-Sadistic.
-I couldn't agree more.

If I ever see
that Bardonaro again,

I'll break every sadistic
bone in his body.

Ah, you'll see him again.
Remember when I took his coat?

-Huh?
-In the Swamp,
with the cigar bit?

-I took his coat?
-Yeah?

I swiped his travel orders.

Colonel Potter?
Colonel Potter,
I gotta speak to you.

Get rid of this
dead soldier, soldier.

-Yes sir, but I still
gotta speak to you.
-You walk funny.

-Poor toilet training.
-Colonel, this is important.

-Radar, baby.
Kiss me, you fool.
-Whew! Holy mackerel.

Colonel, you gotta do
something about Major Houlihan.

An officer
and a gentleman.

You gotta let her see
her husband or something.

You know what she did?
She kicked me,

and then she messed up
my files from "M" to "Z"
and everything.

-And then she got mad.
-Colonel Potter!

-Oh!
-Say no more.
You've convinced me.

Get packed.
You're going to Tokyo.
Give my love to Donald.

[shrieks]

You know, I like
a major with hot lips.

-And I'll tell you why.
-Why?

Exactly.

-Did I fall down?
-No.

I didn't think so.

Klinger. Klinger. Klinger.

Ah, Colonel, sahib.
You have returneth.

Good news, bugle beak.
I brought a discharge
from Seoul.

Oh, be still
my throbbing heart.

It's for the camel.

He can pack his humps
and leave anytime.

It's always the other guy.
[trills]

[chattering, chuckling]

[laughing]
Oh, Leo! Oh, you!

-You creep!
-Hey, look, fellas.

I'm really sorry about
the General Fox thing. Okay?

Sorry don't feed the bulldog.

-No, seriously.
I'm very sorry.
-Uh-huh.

I didn't know General Fox
was right next door.

[mock laughing]

-B.J.?
-Yeah.

-Can I have
my travel orders back?
-Travel orders?

What travel orders?
I haven't seen any travel or--

-Have you seen
any travel orders?
-I saw my first robin.

Come on, Beej.
I haven't seen
my folks for two years.

-Oh, poor guy.
-Oh, really?

-Come on. Come on.
-All right. All right.

-No, no, no, no. Don't do it.
-It's okay.

-On one condition.
-Yo.

We shake hands and promise
no more practical jokes.

Okay, okay, deal.
Gimme the papers.

-Don't forget the handshake.
-Right. Right.

-Ah!
-Ah!

[both stammering]

-Oh, you... [mutters]
-All right. All right.

-Here.
-Like I said, I'll call Peg.

Okay. Good.

Leo, you...
[laughs]

-How do we get
to Kimpo Air Base?
-It's, um...

No, I don't
have any wheels.

Wheels! Take our jeep.
It's parked in front
of the hospital.

-It's all gassed up.
-It's all gassed up.

-I don't know how
to thank you guys.
-I do. Blow.

Yo.

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, Hawkeye,
the tent is spinning around.

-Which way?
-Clockwise.

Mine's going counterclockwise.
Maybe together we're sober.

[chuckles]

-Hi. Hey, B.J.
-Huh?

-While you was away,
this mail come for you.
-Okay. Thank you, Radar.

-Bardonaro!
-Bardonaro, you creep!

Bardonaro! You see...
Look what he did.

[laughs]
Look what I got.

A bill from that hotel
in Seoul, in my name...

for damages... 580 bucks.

[laughing]
We...

What the hell
are we laughing at?

Well, he'll be walking
back here in about an hour.

He'll be walking back?

The only thing gassed up
in that jeep was us.

-To my dear wife.
-To my darling wife.

To Goldie, the waitress
at Barney's Bar and Grill.

-[knocking]
-Come in.

-Hi.
-Well, look who's back.

-POTTER: How was Tokyo?
-Oh...

-Never mind Tokyo.
How's Donald?
-He's in wonderful shape.

-He's so relaxed now.
-Good. Is that a jug?

-Thank you for
giving me leave.
-Thank you.

Well, if you'll
excuse me,

I have some things
to rinse out.

-HAWKEYE: Would you
do my underwear?
-B.J.: And my socks?

[laughs]
Another time, Captains.

-Huh.
-Didn't even get
a rise out of her.

She's no fun
when Donald's relaxed.

♪♪ [theme]