M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 7 - Dear Sigmund - full transcript

[theme music playing]

All right, justto make it interesting,

anybody can openwith a pair of 10s,

but only if you're wearingcivilian boxer shorts.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You can't set
a rule like that.

No, it's dealer's
choice, Major.

Will you accept a
civilian panty girdle?

10s and boxer shorts.

That is the most absurd
rule I've ever heard.

Can anybody open?



I'll open for 25 cents.

I told ya!I told ya!

You owe me abuck and a half.

[laughter]

I'm out.

I blew everything last nighton Radar's cockroach races.

He had the winner,but it come in riderless.

-Riderless?
-The fly fell off.

I'm in. B.J.?

I'm in.

Father, you wannasit in the game?

Huh? Oh, yes.

Oh, my. I had the most
extraordinary dream.

I was a cardinal in Rome,



and the Pope had a bad cold.

What do you supposethat means, Sidney?

You're the skull jockey.

Well, Freud said
every dream is a wish.

One time my uncle dreamthe was dancing with a whale,

and when he woke up,our cow had eaten his pants.

Do you wanna bet,
or do you want Sidney

to tell you what that means?

Oh, geez, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
it meant anything.

You wanta loan, Sidney?

No, I thinkI'll write a letter.

I've been puttingit off for some time.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

What do I--
How do I look?

Cheerful.I'm worried.

-All right, what do you want?-Two.

-Who the hell took my cards?-Here they are.

-Oh. You?
-Mm-hmm, two.

[thinking] Dear Sigmund,

I've been feeling somewhat frustrated lately,

and so I came
to a kind of spa.

The waters are
pretty good here.

And the inmates have

an interesting defense against carnage.

Too rich for me.

Insanity in the
service of health.

Let me see youropeners, Margaret.

Here.

I'm not talkingabout your cards.

Never mind.

[imitates barking]

Did you hear that?

That's great.
Can you do a dog?

Who deals?

One of them is particularly good at it.

-Who am I holding cards for?
-Name of Hawkeye.

Couple of weeks ago, he made rounds in post-op

with a personality that had split two for one.

Good evening,
ladies and germs.

I'm sorry I'm late,
but my watch stopped.

It had to. It's been
running fast all week.

Is this the first time
you've been pregnant?

How long have you
had that throbbing
in your wrist?

Nurse! Nurse!

Did you call me, doctor?

Why should I call you doctor?I'm the surgeon.

Give him his medication.Somebody's 15 minutes late.

♪ Doo dee-doo dee-doo

♪ Whoop dee-dee

Well, your feetseem to be comingalong just fine.

It's my head, Doc.

Oh, yes! For a minute thereyou had athlete's scalp.

Come on, give usa little smile.

Three bucks.

I swear to you,these earrings go

for $7.50at the Tokyo P.X.

Klinger, don't you thinkhoops are a little trashy

before breakfast?

If I thoughtit'd get me out,

I'd wear hula hoopsin my ears.

-$2.50?-I'll take 'em for $2.50.

Sold.

I hope I win 'em back.

I don't want the holes inmy lobes to close up again.

Klinger's an interesting case, Sigmund.

He's found more ways
to go crazy

than you ever dreamt of.

[Klinger groaning]

Sir. Sir, there's been
a terrible accident.

-What happened?
-He got hit with
a chopper blade, sir.

Wait a minute. If Klingergot hit by a chopper blade,

he'd look like a malted milk.

It was slowing
down, sir.

Look what it did
to his helmet.

How come it's got
tire tracks on it?

[speaking Arabic]

-How's that?-Ever since he came to,

he only speaks
in Arabic, sir.

Gee, what a strange thing.

-Smaha! Smaha!
-What'd he say?

-He said, "Smaha! Smaha!"-Thank you.

Yeah!

It's not gonna work,
Klinger. Yeah!

[groaning]

Looks like a relapse.

His eyes have gone
back in his head, sir.

He looks like that every dayright after breakfast.

-He's shaking!
-Private Habib,

Radar found me a can

of smoked herring
for breakfast,

and right now
I'm deliriously happy

cleaning my horse's toenails.

Don't spoil it!

Sir, I'm really scared.

-[Klinger whimpering]
-Klinger, wake up!

Aah!

He's ranting, sir.

He wants his father's cheesefrom the windowsill.

You can have a piece
of my herring,

but you're not going home.

Well, thank you very much.

[grunt]

Sophie, how about
that Klinger?

Is he a pistol?

I guess what draws me to these people is that,

faced with aggression in its most brutal form,

they've regressed
to a state of antic,

if not lunatic, pleasure.

There's been a rash of practical jokes lately.

Whoever the perpetrator is,

he or she is becoming a folk hero.

-Aah!
-[laughter]

Rank makes no difference.

No one is safe
from the mad joker.

[laughing]

I'm sorr--

As you pointed out, Sigmund,

there's a link between anger and wit.

Anger turned inward
is depression.

Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Hiya, pal.

Hey, you gotany way to get back

to civilization from here?

If this isn't
civilization,

why am I standing
in a bomb crater?

Thank you, buddy.

You, uh, lost
from your unit,

or are you trying
to see the world on
five dollars a day?

No, actually, I-I jumpedout of my airplane.

Such a nice day,
you thought you'd walk?

My engine was on fire.

But I managed to dropmy load before I bailed out.

How lucky for you.

Come on, I'll take
a look at your leg.

Oh, are you a doctor?

That's what they
all think here.

Actually, I just
like legs.

Is there a phone here?

I don't want my wife to worry

when I don't show upat home tonight.

You go home every night
from the war?

No, only weekends.

Got a little placein Tokyo.

Yeah, I tell ya, for me,

the war's been somethingthat lasts about...

30 minutes a day.

Then it's backto the base

and dinner atthe officers' club.

Well, listen,
it's only a war.

-I mean, why kill yourself?-Yeah.

My gosh, will you lookat those boots?

What a mess.

What have you beenwalkin' in, red clay?

No, blood.

That must be kind of roughon you guys, isn't it?

Well, I tell ya,if I couldn't fly,

I wouldn't touchthis war.

You fly much?

I was shot
out of a cannon once

by the irate husband
of a bearded lady.

It's beautiful up there.

At 20,000 feet, the skyis a brilliant blue.

You fly for a whilein that stillness,

then you take a reading,

press a button,and drop your load.

You mean you've
never seen the people
you've been bombing?

Nah, never.

I'm a really lucky guy.

Flying so high with
your head in the sky.

Yeah.

I can't understand

why you call this placethe Swamp.

We were thinking ofcalling it the Latrine,

but that name was taken.

That's a private letter.

Then why'd you leave
it under your pillow?

Can I have that, please?

I want to erase anythingnice I said about you guys.

Uh, Sidney,you're a psychiatrist.

Don't you think, uh,writing a letter

to Sigmund Freudis a little crazy?

Who better than he
would understand?

Well, now that makes sense.

Uh-huh. We couldn't helpbut notice that you came

for the poker gameand stayed for two weeks.

Oh, I just wanted
a little vacation.

Sidney, Biarritzis a vacation.

The Swiss Alps
is a vacation.

This is a fungus conventionat Atlantic City.

There's something special
about this place.

You give life here.

I'm running a little
low on that right now.

Would you liketo talk about it?

Well... winter's
the busy season

for shrinks here.

The days get shorter.
The nights get colder.

I was getting 15 casesa week of total crack-ups.

Can I have some of that?

Business was too good.
I was losing people.

Sidney, we all lose patients.

Actually, the straw
that broke my back

was this one kid
who heard voices

telling him
to kill himself.

I spent a lot
of time with him.

One day he was
very calm, relaxed.

Sometimes that's a signalthey've made a decision.

Only somehow...

I missed it.

And that night,after I went to sleep...

that sweet, innocent,
troubled kid...

listened to the voices.

After that,
I started sleeping late.

I wasn't doing my work.

Well, well, well.

So the doctor can'tcure himself, huh?

Oh, God, I thought thatlump under his blankets

-was dirty laundry.
-It is.

You can listen to
their bleeding-heart

gobbledygook all you want.

But I say, if you want tokeep your feet on the ground,

you gotta pull yourself upby your own bootstraps.

Frank, why don't you
pull yourself up

by your own jockstrap?

It makes me no never mind.

I got all my cookies.

[thinking]
If there's a way

to preserve your sanity in wartime,

they've found it.

They slide their
patched-up patients

into the evac ambulance

like loaves
into a bread truck,

and yet they never forget those packages are people.

[crashing]

Hey! Hey, help!

Get a-- Get a medic! Medic!

Come on, you guys!

Oh, no!

Get 'em out.
Be careful! Be careful!

Look out for broken
bones and stuff.

Hey, listen, he hit
the turn too fast,

and it just rolled
right over.

Are these guys
gonna be okay?

Take a couple guys up front.We'll work from back there.

Hey, Bob, Dennis,
come on up front!

Get these menback into pre-op.

This guy's in shock.
Start a glucose I.V.

This kid had one good arm,now it's broken.

Make sure thosestitches aren't pulled.

Get the X-ray machine going.

Who the hell did this?O'Donnell?

Was O'Donnell drivin'?

-Yes, sir.
-That klutz.

He isn't makin' any pointsfor gettin' 'em there fast.

He's gotta get 'emthere in one piece!

Tell O'Donnell I wantto see him in my office.

And this time,he can shake his can!

You got that?

He's dead, sir.

Nurse, I need you
in pre-op. Come on.

Hathaway, grab
the other end of this.

-I can get that.-No, I want him to do it.

-Can I give you a hand, Father?
-Yeah, great, Sidney.

Get the other end,will ya?

Father Mulcahy fascinates me, Sigmund.

-He's shy and studious.-Kellye, get him into pre-op.

And yet he's got a left hook that could stop a truck.

And with absolutely
no training,

he seems to be a complete natural as a therapist.

How are you doing,
John?

I didn't know what hit me.

I was on my stretcher,and then a second later,

three guys are layingon top of me.

I used to wake up
every morning like that

when I was a boy.

I had to sleep
with my brothers.

I'm not going back
in that ambulance.

It's too dangerous.

And I'm not getting
in any chopper.

Oh, well, uh, all right.

We'll send you back on
a nice, slow, safe ship.

You'll see your family
in, uh, well,

three or four months.

-Four months?
-About that.

When's the next
ambulance leave?

-In an hour or so.
-What's holding it up?

Klinger, didn't Itell you to move

that whole bloodback there?

-[speaking Arabic]
-Move that blood,

or I'll make you drink it,you Transylvanian lunatic!

Margaret's an interesting woman--

on the outside all discipline and strength

and on the inside
six kinds of passion

looking for an exit.

Major,word has gotten around

that you'refeeling kind of low.

Hard to keep a secret

here in Macy's
Window East, isn't it?

Well, everyonekind of keeps an eye

on everybody else here.

You're not thinking ofdoing anything foolish?

Oh, no. I mainly

have this dull ache
behind my nose

and a feeling
of listlessness.

Sort of a severe
Geritol deficiency.

-[laughing]-You ever get like that?

No, never.I wouldn't permit it.

How do you manage that?

I just don'tlet it get to me.

The wounded don't get to you?

The cold? The food?
The rats?

Major, I have three nursesdown with dysentery.

I have a shortage of sulfa,

surgical gowns,
and rubber gloves.

And I got a call from myfiancé in Tokyo this morning

who celebrated his birthdaylast night without me.

He must miss you very much.

No, he said they hada very good time.

I see.

Am I upset?Am I distressed?

[chuckling] No.

One has to bestrong, Major.

In strength is serenity.

Well, I take my hat
off to you, Margaret.

Just a minute, Major.

What-- What is that thingdoing over there?

I'm sorry, what thing?

You let a woman sit downand have a drink with you

with that thing there?

You mean the
athletic supporter?

-Major, you're a nurse.-It's disgusting!

Will you putsomething over it?

Like a fig leaf?

How dare youparade that thing

-in front of me.-Major, it isn't even mine.

It belongs to one of thoserepulsive, drunken,

lecherous, evil cretins.

They live like pigs.

They have the moralsof baboons.

Will you pleaseput your hat on it?

Certainly.

Thank you.

My uniform
is proud to serve.

I'm sorry you got upset.

I'm not upset.

Well, a little agitated.

Not at all.

It would be useless.I wouldn't permit it.

-Right.-And you can do it if I can.

I don't feel a thing.

Some people
won't accept pain.

They just refuse delivery.

That's pretty difficult here

because pain is such
a basic ingredient

to the MASH unit.

What have you got
there?

A couple of guys
fell on him

and pulled the stitches
in his abdominal wall

and peritoneum.
B.J.'s scrubbing up.

You had to go back in?

She started
bleeding again.

I guess I didn't get allthe holes the first time.

Hey, she's just a little kid.

Eight years old.

I got a granddaughter back
home who's about eight.

What happened to her?

Somebody droppeda bomb on her villagefrom an airplane.

Who did it?

He just dropped it.He didn't autograph it.

No, I mean, was it oneof theirs or one of ours?

What difference
does that make?

A lot. It makesa lot of difference.

Not to her.

You brought me in thereon purpose, didn't you?

Yep.

You're a real S.O.B.,
you know that?

Look, you seemlike a decent guy,

too decent to thinkthat this can be anything

like a clean war.

From up there it is.

Was.

God, she's just
a little baby.

[sobbing]

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

20,000 feet isa long way to come down.

It's coming nicely, Frank.

Actually,
it's one of several.

I don't intend gettingcaught more than six paces

away from a good hole ifsomebody shouts "Air raid."

Prior planning.

-Prevents poor performance.
-Hmm, catchy.

Yeah, well, I'm going home
in one piece, brother.

You sound determined.

Well, let's just say
I've been getting

some signals from
my wife back home.

She needs a man there.

A whole man.

-Signals?-Yeah, you know, hints.

She's been going in
for strange things.

-Like what?
-Well, she's not
behaving like herself,

and let's just leave it
at that, okay?

-Okay.
-Oh, what the heck.

You're a psychiatrist.

I guess you've
heard it all, huh?

Well, I thoughtI'd heard it all.

She got together with
some of her lady friends,

and they went on
a trip to Indianapolis

-for no reason.
-For no reason?

Just to look around.

It cost $55.

And all the sudden,
she's getting mixed up
in politics,

stuffing envelopes
for the Republican Club,

and-and maybe even, uh...

ringing doorbells.

Well, it sounds as though

she's stepping outon her own a little.

That's what I think.

People grow, Frank.

Yeah, well,
when I go home,

I want the same girl
I married.

-Right.
-Well, she's changing.

She's becoming...
sexy and provocative

and...

I got a letter today

with a picture of her
in slacks

walking away
from the camera.

Frank, maybe she's just tryingto find out who she is.

That doesn't meanshe's leaving you.

You bet she isn't, bub.

I happen to believe in
the sanctity of marriage,

no matter how ugly
or disgusting it gets.

I'll kill her
before I divorce her.

I'm not suggesting either.

Oh, no, of course
you're not.

[chuckling]

I should have known
better than to tell

something personal
to a psychiatrist.

Actually, Sigmund,

it's a wonder
more people here

don't take a vacation from reality.

Some people even
manage to grow.

-Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
-Radar, for instance.

In many ways, he's still as innocent and naive

as the local orphans
he plays with.

And yet this boy
keeps this unit,

this state of chaos
running smoothly.

Uh, sir, I have some,
uh, papers for you

to sign before
you go to bed.

Oh, just in time, Radar.

I was just sayinggood night to Mrs. Potter.

Oh, say good night
for me too, sir.

I mean, unless she's in
her nightgown or something.

I'll ignore that.

Uh, sir, here's
the mess requisition.

I ordered 500 hams.

Isn't that kind of a lot?

Well, uh,

Sergeant Skinowsky
from over the 309th

says he'll trade meice cream and fruit for ham,

so I figured it
might be a good idea

-to order a few extra.
-Good boy, Radar.

Gee, I haven't hadfruit for so long,

my colon will thinkit's a stickup.

That's a good one, sir.

This is the updated
patients list.

Right.

What's in the box?

Um, it's
the ambulance driver's

personal effects, sir.

It's going out to
Graves Registration.

Did you write a little notefor me to his folks?

Yes, sir, it's right here.

I never know what to say.Of all the lousy duties

I've had to performin this service,

that's alwaysbeen the lousiest.

Uh, you can change it
if you want, sir.

I'm not sure all
the words are exactly
right or anything.

"Dear Mr. andMrs. O'Donnell,

"It is with realdeep sadness

"that I must tell youof the death of your son.

"You can be very,very proud of Jerry.

"He never tooka human life,

"and he died while he wastrying to save the lives

"of five other fellows.

"He was rushingthem to the evac,

"which is short forevacuation hospital,

"in Seoul when hisambulance overturned.

He was a real good boy,Mr. and Mrs. O'Donnell,

"and I know he lovedyou both very much.

"He spoke of you oftento my company clerk,

"Corporal Walter O'Reilly.

"We were proudof him at MASH,

and we'll miss Jerryvery, very much."

Thank you, Radar.Don't change a word.

Thank you, sir.

The one person
I can't figure out,

even with all you've
taught me, Sigmund,

-is B.J. Hunnicutt.
-Hill, come here.

He's an enigma
with size 13 shoes.

In the midst of the most terrific enterprise

ever devised to separate a person's brains

from his buns,

B.J. goes calmly on.

I envy his serenity,

although there must
be a volcano

under there somewhere.

Oh, give me that.

Aah!

[laughter]

[water hose spraying]

Oh, hi.

You! You'rethe practical joker?

It certainly looks
that way, doesn't it?

Would you like to help?

Sure.What do I do?

As loud as you can,
shout "Air raid!"

Air raid! Air raid!

Air raid!

Air raid! Air raid!Air raid!

[yelping]

"Colonel Potter
is pleased to announce

"that today is the first
day of spring.

"In recognition
of this event,

"we are unveiling
the cherry tree branch

"that we have been
trying to grow

"in a hothouse, kind of,

"ever since Major Houlihan
got the branch for us

when she went away
to get engaged to Tokyo."

Oh, thank you.

"And now, in honor of
the first day of spring..."

Okay, that's it.

You leaving, Sidney?

Afraid so. Hate to becured and run.

You feel better?

Yeah, I think I do a little.

It's like spring at MASH.

If you can't find itand you can't feel it,

you just go ahead and make it.

Somewhere in here, I'm coaxinga little bud to grow.

Meanwhile,I'm goin' back to work.

See ya at the gamenext week?

Yes, I'll be here
with $20 in my pants

and three aces up my sleeve.

Show a little imagination.Don't make them all spades.

Clamp.

SIDNEY: They look every day

into the face of death.

I'll be closingin five minutes.

On the surface they may seem

like other
doctors and nurses,

but underneath...

ah, Sigmund, underneath.

[theme music playing]