M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan - full transcript
Margaret takes off in the middle of the night to help deliver a Korean baby. Nobody knows of her whereabouts, and Colonel Flagg is brought in to help investigate her disappearance.
[theme music playing]
You having much pain?
Not much.But I'm a little groggy.
I'm a little groggy myself.
Do you wanna lie down?
You bettersave your strength.
-Major.
-Oh, Able,
I'm glad you're here.
I need some rest.
Yeah, you really look beat.Good, but beat.
-Thanks.
-Good night.
It's nearly morning.
Halt! Who goes there?
Klinger, you'rea disgrace to the army.
Thank you, ma'am.
I'm doing my best.
I'll escort you
to your tent.
-Over my dead body.-That's possible, Major.
Some North Korean
prisoners have been
released in the area.
An attractive person likeyourself might be in danger.
Of course,
the same is true for me.
I can take careof myself, Cinderella.
I understand this is
a good neighborhood
to pick up sailors.
Oh, can it.
Halt! Who goes there?
She's either surrenderingor signaling for a touchdown.
[speaking Korean]
What the hell
is she saying?
Her mother's giving birthand needs help.
[speaking Korean]
I'll get my bag.
This is whathappens to you
when you don't eatyour vegetables.
I'll be backas soon as I can.
-But, ma'am, that's dangerous!-I'll be fine.
[speaking Korean]
If anything happens to you,can I have your clothes?
♪ I'm the top
♪ I'm the Tower of Pisa
♪ I'm the top
♪ I'm the Mona Lisa
Klinger, I'm hereto relieve you.
Good. Undo my bra.
I usually don't let guysdo this on the first date.
[humming]
Ooh.
Looks like you're gonnabe wearing a bigger hat
for a while, soldier.
Yes, sir.
I can't make this out.
When did he last
have morphine?
I can't read it,either.
It's Major Houlihan'swriting.
Gee, she writes bad enoughto be a doctor.
Radar, get her over here
on the double.
What if she's not dressed?
Bring her in
her birthday suit.
My pleasure. I'll get her.
We took enough
shrapnel out of you
to build a jeep.
Two seconds to go.
Celtics down by one.
Pierce with
a 50-foot hook shot.
He makes it!
The crowd goes wild!
They spill onto the court.
He's smothered
with cheerleaders.
Girls, please,there's enough to go around.
Whoo! Girls! Whoo!
-Are you okay, sir?
-Never better.
Have you ever been attackedby a squadron of cheerleaders
shaking their pom-pomsin your face?
No, sir, we never
had cheerleaders.
-My condolences
to your libido.
-Right.
Uh, sir, I'm lookingfor Major Houlihan.
Oh, Radar,
you little devil.
Uh, no, it's notfor me, sir.
It's for Colonel Potter.
That's even worse.
He's a married man.
Uh, come on, sir.I gotta find her.
-Have you looked in her tent?-Yeah.
So have I, but she
keeps catching me.
Two points!
Let's ask
the average G.I.
Excuse me, sir, I have
a question for you.
Ah, that must be the oneI ordered last week.
-Where is it?
-It's in my mouth.
-Spit it out.-The corporal here and I
are looking
for a Major Houlihan.
Sorry, but I knowa geisha house in Tokyo
where you can geta minor Houlihan.
Come on, guys.
This is important.
Well, I've justbeen in the shower,
and I didn't seeanyone in there
with clusterslike Margaret's.
Will you guys pipe down!
There's a doctor
trying to sleep here!
Then shut up, Frank.
You might wake him.
And nuts to you.
Master ofthe half-witticism.
What are you
doing here, grunthead?
I'm trying to locate
Major Houlihan.
You mean
Major Houlihan, sir.
I don't know what
to call her anymore.
She says "ma'am."
You say "sir."
♪ Let's call the
whole thing off ♪
Any mindless babooncan see she's not here,
including me.
-Now get out!
-Okay!
But I'm telling you,
it's really spooky.
It's like she disappearedor somethin'.
Check Houdini's tent.
People just don't disappear.
Tell thatto Amelia Earhart.
I hope Margaret's all right.
Trust me. She's great.
How can you make jokeswhen she could be lying
out there in a ditch somewhere
with two broken legs,
with rats and bugscrawling all over her?
Frank, stop it.
You're getting me excited!
Or suppose the Chinese
got her, hmm?
-Suppose King Kong got her.-Could be.
She's always been
a little bananas.
We can't just sit around.We gotta do something.
-You're right. I'll shave.-I'll take a shower.
-Where's my shirt?
-Here.
You used my shirt
as a basketball?
Had to. Your underwearwouldn't bounce.
-Hey, Klinger?
-Mmm?
Uh, Klinger?
Mom, I don't wannago to school today.
I've got a headache.
It's Radar.
Radar, I don't wannago to school today.
Uh, have you seen
Major Houlihan?
She's having a baby.
Klinger, you're dreaming.
Honey, let's get backin the front seat.
Here come the cops.
An officer shouldn't
go out looking like this.
You're right, Frank.
And that wrinkled shirtdoesn't help, either.
Well, where I'm going,
nobody cares how I look.
Be more specific.That could be anywhere.
I'm going out into the jungleto hunt for Margaret.
Well, I understandshe's game.
Oh, don't be a smarty-pants.
She's probably been abductedby Chinese heathens.
They have her
hanging upside-down
by her feet
from a bamboo tree,
doing unspeakable
things to her.
Speak a few.
-Frank?
-Hmm?
If you don't
put that gun away,
I'm gonna find
a new holster for it.
♪ They asked me how I knew
♪ Her brassiere was blue
♪ Ya-da-ya-da-di
[gunshot]
You moron!You could have killed me!
It was an accident!
It ricocheted
off the footlocker.
-I'll ricochet your noseoff the footlocker.
-What happened?
Hopalong Ferret Facejust shot me in the leg.
-I'm sorry.-Let me take a look at it.
Will you respect mein the morning?
Ah, he just grazed it.
You're gonna have to havea couple of stitches, though.
Come on, help me
get him into O.R.
Frank, you're a creditto the enemy.
Oh, I said I'm sorry.
What more can I do?
Put an apple in your mouth.We'll play William Tell.
Say, Beej, you're
not gonna report me
or anything, are you?
Frank, stop actinglike a sniveling idiot.
-I'm not acting!-Frank, get away from me!
Just promise you won't tellon me and get me in trouble.
Huh? Please? Please?Pretty please?
-We promise, Frank.-POTTER: What happened here?
-Frank shot B.J.
-Tattletale!
Stool pigeon!
Indian giver!
-How bad is it?
-Superficial.
Fortunately, Frank's
as good a marksman
as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir?
When I was a kid,my daddy used to take meto the pony rides.
-How did it happen, Burns?-You mean the, uh...
Right.
Well, I was
cleaning my weapon,
and it discharged
prematurely.
Sir,
I think the Chinese have
captured Major Houlihan.
I see. So, naturally,you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
[giggling]
Well, what's so funny,
Corporal?
-Sorry, sir.-Don't blame the boy, Burns.
He knows a good joke
when he sees one.
Colonel, permission to go outand find the major?
Permission denied.
-But--
-No.
I'll be in my tent.
-[giggling]
-A mental pygmy.
Now, what's the storyon Houlihan?
-Nobody's seen her.
-Strange.
I've checked with everyone
from Nurse Able
to Sergeant Zale.
A to Z.Very methodical.
Well, I try to use thealphabet whenever I can, sir.
Think, Radar-- you musthave missed someplace.
No, I've looked everywhere
except the nurses' showers.
Oh, no, sir.
I couldn't look in there.
There might be naked
female personnel
showering with
their clothes off.
What's the big deal?
Oh, well,
"nudidity" makes me
breathe funny.
Affects me the same way.Do it.
But, sir, couldn't we
find somebody else,
like, uh, maybe
Captain Pierce?
No, we'd never get himout of there.
-You're the man.
-I--
Yes, sir.
[knocking]
-Hello?
-[screaming]
Radar, get out of here!
Ah, don't be scared.My eyes are closed.
What do you want?
Uh, I'm just lookingfor Major Houlihan.
-Is she in here?
-No, she's not!
Oh, well, then,
I'll just go, then.
-Good.
-Good.
Radar!
No-no. No, remember, breathe.
[speaking Korean]
[breathing deeply]
[man speaking Korean]
She's gonna be fine.
[ speaking Korean]
Hold it, no! Don't push.
Don't push. Ah.
Uh...
[speaking Korean]
[panting]
Got a little problem here.
[speaking Korean]
[speaking Korean]
She'll be fine.
The cord's around
the baby's neck.
I just have to move it.
It's okay now.
Major Houlihan is
here to help you.
Just promise me you won'tgrow up to be a North Korean.
Medically speaking,Frank Burns is a beanbag.
Put it in layman's terms.
He belongs in
a rubber room. He's nuts!
I agree he'sa pain in the neck.
Try three feet lower.
But you gotta give himan A for resourcefulness.
How many doctors do you knowprovide their own patients?
Excuse me, sirs.
I was just looking
in the nurses' showers.
I told you you
wouldn't go blind.
-Any luck?
-No, sir.
Nurse Baker wasthe only one in there.
If that's not luck,
I'll eat my socks.
Radar, call the M.P.s.
Ask 'em if they'veseen Major Houlihan.
-Yes, sir.
-And then ask them
if they've seen
Gone With the Wind.
Right.
You pumpkinhead!
Now my lip'sgoing to swell up!
Might even get
to normal size.
-Go twaddle in your tent.-What is it, Burns?
Well, Colonel, I'm stillworried about Margaret.
We're all worried, Major.
But I'm more worried
than anybody else.
It's not a contest.
Sir, I just don't feel
like I'm doing enough.
You're doing fine.
It's only 10:00,
and you've already
shot a doctor.
Well, I better turn thisover to Intelligence.
That lets you out, Frank.
-I'll call I-Corps.
-Ring up I-Corps.
-Tell the M.P.s.-Tell them the situation.
-Check all native vehicles.-Right.
Sir, I'm willing to help
in any way I can.
I know I'm a real asset.
You're only offby two letters.
I'm telling you, Sparky.
It's weird.
I mean, if a full-size
person like Major Houlihan
can just disappear,
think what could
happen to my rabbit.
He could be kidnapped
by some Chinese magician.
[door opens]
Oh, uh, Spark,
I gotta go.
Uh, Colonel Flagg
just come in.
Okay, pipsqueak,
what tipped you off?
Uh, well, you don't lookanything like you, sir.
And since you'rea master of disguises,
I figured you're the only one
who couldn't looklike you that much.
I'll buy that...
for now.
But if you ever
cross me up,
you're gonna get
a number eight.
What's that?
Have you ever heard
of the Malaysian chest
implosion torture?
No, sir.
Good, 'cause there's
no such thing.
-Yet.
-Right.
I'll get Colonel Potterfor you.
-Hold it!
-All right.
Nobody tells anybody
I'm anywhere.
-Right.
-Including me.
With you in a minute, Flagg.
Nice suit. Your clownoutfit in the cleaners?
Don't try to be funny
with me, Colonel.
I've trained myself
not to laugh or smile.
Really?
Watched a hundred hours
of The Three Stooges.
Every time I felt
like smiling,
I jabbed myself
in the stomach
with a cattle prod.
That ought to do it.
Let's can the small talk.
Fill me in on
the Houlihan case.
Well, she's been missingsince last night.
We've looked everywhere.
Everywhere?
[chuckling]
There's no such thing
as everywhere.
I'm gonna change
and poke around a bit.
Pardon me forasking, Colonel,
but why are you dressedlike an Italian usher?
Can you keep a secret?
I think so.
I'm disguised as Ling Chow,
Chinese double agent.
Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Neither would Ling Chowif he were dressed like this.
Follow me?
As far as I'd like to.
Well, I'm off.
I couldn't have said itbetter myself.
How's the leg?
Not too bad.
When I blow on my big toe,my thigh whistles.
Oh, don't be such
a namby-pamby.
It's just
a little hole.
Like the one
in Frank's head.
Oh, pound it out
your porthole.
Come in.
I'm already in.
-He's so light on his feet.-Shut up.
If you have anything to say,keep your mouth closed.
[mumbling]
-Can it.
-[mumbling]
What happened to your leg?
Cut myself shaving.
Another comedian.
Where's Houlihan?
I think it's near Dublin.
That's insubordination.
You do that to me
one more time,
and I'm entitled to...
bite off your left ear.
Just food for thought.
He's not bluffing.
He got van Gogh.
Let me tell you something.
I have a completerecord on you.
I know every move you make.
Everything there isto know about you,
so watch your step,Hunnicutt.
-I'm Pierce.
-Fine.
You wanna call yourself Pierce,I can play that game too.
[nervous chuckle]
This won't look goodon your record.
But, sir, it's only
"Reader's Digest."
Not when you eliminatethe third, fifth,
and sixth letters.
Then it's"Red's Digest," Comrade.
-But, Colonel--
-Listen, Pinko!
You're my prime suspect.
Isn't it true you hada torrid relationship
-with Major Houlihan?
-No, sir.
-You wanna see the films?-Films?
I'll get the popcorn.
You were insanely jealousof her engagement.
You were furiousat being rejected.
-You were capable of murder.-That's right.
So you hit her over the headwith a blunt instrument.
-The saxophone.-Then you hypnotized her
and told her
she was Johnny Ray.
Then you performedplastic surgery oh her.
-Made her look like Johnny.-The rest is obvious.
You stuck her in a trunk,
you mailed her to Las Vegas,
and now she's doing two showsa night at the Sands.
Three on Saturday.
There's only one flawin that theory.
Only one?
They don't do three shows
Saturday night at the Sands.
How do you know?
I was a showgirl
for six weeks.
Colonel Potter, sir.
Radar, you can call meeither Colonel or sir.
You don't haveto call me both.
-Yes, sir, Colonel.
-That's better.
Now, what is it?
Uh, sir, the Korean
ladies are here
for their baby
birthing lesson,
and Major Houlihan
and I usually do that.
So I was wondering
if you could help--
If I could help outand give the lecture
-to the Korean ladies.
-Yes, sir.
-Sure.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
Sometimes that stuff
makes me gag.
I'll be gentle.
Good morning, my colonel.
Klinger, you looklovely in yellow.
Always a gentleman.
Now the contractions aregetting really strong.
[speaking Korean]
When you feel one,
you take a deep
breath and push.
-Radar?
-[speaking Korean]
[giggling]
POTTER:Between them, you relaxand breathe normally.
[speaking Korean]
Now we're getting
near the finish line.
[speaking Korean]
Another contraction,
and you can seethe baby's head appear.
[speaking Korean]
So you takea deep breath and push.
[speaking Korean]
Take it easy, Radar.
You don't wanna shoot 'emacross the room.
Now, as you gently rotatethe baby's head...
[speaking Korean]
...the shoulderwill appear.
[speaking Korean]
And once the shouldersare delivered,
the rest of the bodyslips through easily.
Swoosh!
[speaking Korean]
-Swish!
-[giggling]
But it doesn'tsound like that.
[speaking Korean]
Congratulations,Mrs. O'Reilly.
It's a bear.
I'm not drinking.
It just looks
like I'm drinking.
You had me fooled.
Two years ago in Morocco,
I had a device surgicallyimplanted in my throat
that neutralizes alcohol.
That way, the enemycan never get me drunk.
I find that hard to swallow.
I heard they do that
to get the truth
out of you.
Nobody can get
the truth out of me
because even I don't
know what it is.
I keep myself in a constantstate of utter confusion.
That's the best wayto keep things organized.
Making yourself
at home, Flagg?
I have no home.
I'm the wind.
I told you
he was the wind.
You said
he was the stars.
No, I said he was the moon.
Listen, Colonel Wind,
would you mind blowing
your butt off my chair
so I can sit down?
Very well, Colonel.
Time for me
to get up anyway.
I only sit
two minutes a day.
It's bad to put pressureon your brains.
Glad you're here,
Potter.
I want you all
to hear my plan.
Well, if it's your plan, sir,I'll bet it's a good one.
Burns, you interrupt me
one more time,
I'm gonna drop a grenade
down your shorts.
Got it.
Now, I have searched
the entire camp,
and Major Houlihan
is not here.
I think
the Chinese got her.
I have been in this
business 20 years,
and I'm not interestedin the speculationsof an amateur.
What's your theory?
The Chinese got her.
That's what
I said, sir.
What?
Oh, nothing.
No, it's... n-nothing.
Now, I want
a platoon of rangers
to parachute
into North Korea
to search and destroy
anything that moves.
But, Colonel,Margaret moves!
Who would know
better than Frank?
Colonel, let's not causeany unnecessary casualties.
What's war
without casualties?
-Peace.
-If it wasn't for war,
you wouldn't know
what peace was!
-He's got a point there.-Yeah, it's under his hat.
All we're interested in isgetting Major Houlihan back.
-I'll get her back.
-Dead or alive?
Right.
Alert the navy
for offshore artillery.
I want a squadron of coptersfor air-to-ground search,
and, uh, round up
a box of scorpions.
About a dozen.
You mean, uh,you know, scorpions...
-scorpions?
-Big ones.
What the hell are
you gonna do with
a box of scorpions?
It's personal.
Gift for a friend.
That's it. Get moving.
Corporal!
If you can't
find scorpions...
get two snakes and a rat.
And a rat. Right, right.
[baby cooing]
-Afternoon, Major.
-Corporal.
I see everythingcame out all right.
-Isn't he beautiful?
-He sure is.
In my family, every babyhad a nose like a hawk.
Here. Here.
Take him and his mother
over to post-op.
I'll be there in a minute.
How do you breathethrough that little thing?
Anything happen
while I was gone?
I ripped my pinkpedal pushers.
Other than that,it's been very quiet.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
Stop that.
You want to call out
the entire315th Air Division?
That's gonna makea lot of noise.
Why stop there?
Why don't we just
drop an atomic bomb?
Hey, don't tryto make friends with me.
I've been sitting herequietly for a long time,
and there's something I'dlike to say now, Colonel.
What is it?
-Good-bye.
-I'll join you.
Oh, go on ahead,
you two bleeding hearts.
Colonel Flagg and I
don't need you.
My father touched melike that once.
To this day, he still hasto wear orthopedic shirts.
-Margaret!
-Hey, where have you--
-Where have you been?-What's the matter with--
FLAGG: Hold it!
Colonel Flagg.
Don't anybody touch her.
She may be booby-trapped.
Wait a minute, Flagg.Where have you been, Margaret?
I went down the road
to deliver a baby.
-Didn't Klinger tell you?-Oh, Klinger!
Klinger!
Ah, he probably forgot.
His mind isn't
what it used to be.
Maybe he's going
through menopause.
-We were worried sick!
-Oh.
Well, Flagg, it wasfun while it lasted.
Count on me.
I can find anything.
Can you find my virginity?I lost it 20 years ago.
I haven't seen it since.
Radar!
-I just did.
-Oh.
Sir, what about
your scorpions?
That's all right.I'll get some from home.
Well, I guess you've gotbetter things to do, Flagg,
like torturing sheep.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Now, everybody
close your eyes.
-I beg your pardon?
-Huh?
-Close our eyes?
-Oh, no, no, no.
When I finish a job,
nobody sees me leave.
Oh, I forgot.
You're the wind.
I'm either
swallowed up by night
or disappear in the mist.
It's my trademark.
Now close your eyes.
I'd rather close my ears.
If you don't
close your eyes,
I'm not leaving.
-Bye.
-See ya.
Okay.
[screaming]
[glass shattering]
The wind just broke his leg.
I've got it.
Third one from the left.
She was wearing a big hat
and carrying a parasol.
What are you talking about?
I saw Colonel Flagg in Vegas
when he was a showgirl.
I knew there was
something wrong with her.
What tipped you off,the beard?
No, she was the only one
carrying a machine gun.
♪ A pretty girl
[imitating machine gun fire]
♪ Is like a melody
[imitating machine gun fire]
Checkmate.
What? Again?
What is it with you?
[theme music playing]
You having much pain?
Not much.But I'm a little groggy.
I'm a little groggy myself.
Do you wanna lie down?
You bettersave your strength.
-Major.
-Oh, Able,
I'm glad you're here.
I need some rest.
Yeah, you really look beat.Good, but beat.
-Thanks.
-Good night.
It's nearly morning.
Halt! Who goes there?
Klinger, you'rea disgrace to the army.
Thank you, ma'am.
I'm doing my best.
I'll escort you
to your tent.
-Over my dead body.-That's possible, Major.
Some North Korean
prisoners have been
released in the area.
An attractive person likeyourself might be in danger.
Of course,
the same is true for me.
I can take careof myself, Cinderella.
I understand this is
a good neighborhood
to pick up sailors.
Oh, can it.
Halt! Who goes there?
She's either surrenderingor signaling for a touchdown.
[speaking Korean]
What the hell
is she saying?
Her mother's giving birthand needs help.
[speaking Korean]
I'll get my bag.
This is whathappens to you
when you don't eatyour vegetables.
I'll be backas soon as I can.
-But, ma'am, that's dangerous!-I'll be fine.
[speaking Korean]
If anything happens to you,can I have your clothes?
♪ I'm the top
♪ I'm the Tower of Pisa
♪ I'm the top
♪ I'm the Mona Lisa
Klinger, I'm hereto relieve you.
Good. Undo my bra.
I usually don't let guysdo this on the first date.
[humming]
Ooh.
Looks like you're gonnabe wearing a bigger hat
for a while, soldier.
Yes, sir.
I can't make this out.
When did he last
have morphine?
I can't read it,either.
It's Major Houlihan'swriting.
Gee, she writes bad enoughto be a doctor.
Radar, get her over here
on the double.
What if she's not dressed?
Bring her in
her birthday suit.
My pleasure. I'll get her.
We took enough
shrapnel out of you
to build a jeep.
Two seconds to go.
Celtics down by one.
Pierce with
a 50-foot hook shot.
He makes it!
The crowd goes wild!
They spill onto the court.
He's smothered
with cheerleaders.
Girls, please,there's enough to go around.
Whoo! Girls! Whoo!
-Are you okay, sir?
-Never better.
Have you ever been attackedby a squadron of cheerleaders
shaking their pom-pomsin your face?
No, sir, we never
had cheerleaders.
-My condolences
to your libido.
-Right.
Uh, sir, I'm lookingfor Major Houlihan.
Oh, Radar,
you little devil.
Uh, no, it's notfor me, sir.
It's for Colonel Potter.
That's even worse.
He's a married man.
Uh, come on, sir.I gotta find her.
-Have you looked in her tent?-Yeah.
So have I, but she
keeps catching me.
Two points!
Let's ask
the average G.I.
Excuse me, sir, I have
a question for you.
Ah, that must be the oneI ordered last week.
-Where is it?
-It's in my mouth.
-Spit it out.-The corporal here and I
are looking
for a Major Houlihan.
Sorry, but I knowa geisha house in Tokyo
where you can geta minor Houlihan.
Come on, guys.
This is important.
Well, I've justbeen in the shower,
and I didn't seeanyone in there
with clusterslike Margaret's.
Will you guys pipe down!
There's a doctor
trying to sleep here!
Then shut up, Frank.
You might wake him.
And nuts to you.
Master ofthe half-witticism.
What are you
doing here, grunthead?
I'm trying to locate
Major Houlihan.
You mean
Major Houlihan, sir.
I don't know what
to call her anymore.
She says "ma'am."
You say "sir."
♪ Let's call the
whole thing off ♪
Any mindless babooncan see she's not here,
including me.
-Now get out!
-Okay!
But I'm telling you,
it's really spooky.
It's like she disappearedor somethin'.
Check Houdini's tent.
People just don't disappear.
Tell thatto Amelia Earhart.
I hope Margaret's all right.
Trust me. She's great.
How can you make jokeswhen she could be lying
out there in a ditch somewhere
with two broken legs,
with rats and bugscrawling all over her?
Frank, stop it.
You're getting me excited!
Or suppose the Chinese
got her, hmm?
-Suppose King Kong got her.-Could be.
She's always been
a little bananas.
We can't just sit around.We gotta do something.
-You're right. I'll shave.-I'll take a shower.
-Where's my shirt?
-Here.
You used my shirt
as a basketball?
Had to. Your underwearwouldn't bounce.
-Hey, Klinger?
-Mmm?
Uh, Klinger?
Mom, I don't wannago to school today.
I've got a headache.
It's Radar.
Radar, I don't wannago to school today.
Uh, have you seen
Major Houlihan?
She's having a baby.
Klinger, you're dreaming.
Honey, let's get backin the front seat.
Here come the cops.
An officer shouldn't
go out looking like this.
You're right, Frank.
And that wrinkled shirtdoesn't help, either.
Well, where I'm going,
nobody cares how I look.
Be more specific.That could be anywhere.
I'm going out into the jungleto hunt for Margaret.
Well, I understandshe's game.
Oh, don't be a smarty-pants.
She's probably been abductedby Chinese heathens.
They have her
hanging upside-down
by her feet
from a bamboo tree,
doing unspeakable
things to her.
Speak a few.
-Frank?
-Hmm?
If you don't
put that gun away,
I'm gonna find
a new holster for it.
♪ They asked me how I knew
♪ Her brassiere was blue
♪ Ya-da-ya-da-di
[gunshot]
You moron!You could have killed me!
It was an accident!
It ricocheted
off the footlocker.
-I'll ricochet your noseoff the footlocker.
-What happened?
Hopalong Ferret Facejust shot me in the leg.
-I'm sorry.-Let me take a look at it.
Will you respect mein the morning?
Ah, he just grazed it.
You're gonna have to havea couple of stitches, though.
Come on, help me
get him into O.R.
Frank, you're a creditto the enemy.
Oh, I said I'm sorry.
What more can I do?
Put an apple in your mouth.We'll play William Tell.
Say, Beej, you're
not gonna report me
or anything, are you?
Frank, stop actinglike a sniveling idiot.
-I'm not acting!-Frank, get away from me!
Just promise you won't tellon me and get me in trouble.
Huh? Please? Please?Pretty please?
-We promise, Frank.-POTTER: What happened here?
-Frank shot B.J.
-Tattletale!
Stool pigeon!
Indian giver!
-How bad is it?
-Superficial.
Fortunately, Frank's
as good a marksman
as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir?
When I was a kid,my daddy used to take meto the pony rides.
-How did it happen, Burns?-You mean the, uh...
Right.
Well, I was
cleaning my weapon,
and it discharged
prematurely.
Sir,
I think the Chinese have
captured Major Houlihan.
I see. So, naturally,you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
[giggling]
Well, what's so funny,
Corporal?
-Sorry, sir.-Don't blame the boy, Burns.
He knows a good joke
when he sees one.
Colonel, permission to go outand find the major?
Permission denied.
-But--
-No.
I'll be in my tent.
-[giggling]
-A mental pygmy.
Now, what's the storyon Houlihan?
-Nobody's seen her.
-Strange.
I've checked with everyone
from Nurse Able
to Sergeant Zale.
A to Z.Very methodical.
Well, I try to use thealphabet whenever I can, sir.
Think, Radar-- you musthave missed someplace.
No, I've looked everywhere
except the nurses' showers.
Oh, no, sir.
I couldn't look in there.
There might be naked
female personnel
showering with
their clothes off.
What's the big deal?
Oh, well,
"nudidity" makes me
breathe funny.
Affects me the same way.Do it.
But, sir, couldn't we
find somebody else,
like, uh, maybe
Captain Pierce?
No, we'd never get himout of there.
-You're the man.
-I--
Yes, sir.
[knocking]
-Hello?
-[screaming]
Radar, get out of here!
Ah, don't be scared.My eyes are closed.
What do you want?
Uh, I'm just lookingfor Major Houlihan.
-Is she in here?
-No, she's not!
Oh, well, then,
I'll just go, then.
-Good.
-Good.
Radar!
No-no. No, remember, breathe.
[speaking Korean]
[breathing deeply]
[man speaking Korean]
She's gonna be fine.
[ speaking Korean]
Hold it, no! Don't push.
Don't push. Ah.
Uh...
[speaking Korean]
[panting]
Got a little problem here.
[speaking Korean]
[speaking Korean]
She'll be fine.
The cord's around
the baby's neck.
I just have to move it.
It's okay now.
Major Houlihan is
here to help you.
Just promise me you won'tgrow up to be a North Korean.
Medically speaking,Frank Burns is a beanbag.
Put it in layman's terms.
He belongs in
a rubber room. He's nuts!
I agree he'sa pain in the neck.
Try three feet lower.
But you gotta give himan A for resourcefulness.
How many doctors do you knowprovide their own patients?
Excuse me, sirs.
I was just looking
in the nurses' showers.
I told you you
wouldn't go blind.
-Any luck?
-No, sir.
Nurse Baker wasthe only one in there.
If that's not luck,
I'll eat my socks.
Radar, call the M.P.s.
Ask 'em if they'veseen Major Houlihan.
-Yes, sir.
-And then ask them
if they've seen
Gone With the Wind.
Right.
You pumpkinhead!
Now my lip'sgoing to swell up!
Might even get
to normal size.
-Go twaddle in your tent.-What is it, Burns?
Well, Colonel, I'm stillworried about Margaret.
We're all worried, Major.
But I'm more worried
than anybody else.
It's not a contest.
Sir, I just don't feel
like I'm doing enough.
You're doing fine.
It's only 10:00,
and you've already
shot a doctor.
Well, I better turn thisover to Intelligence.
That lets you out, Frank.
-I'll call I-Corps.
-Ring up I-Corps.
-Tell the M.P.s.-Tell them the situation.
-Check all native vehicles.-Right.
Sir, I'm willing to help
in any way I can.
I know I'm a real asset.
You're only offby two letters.
I'm telling you, Sparky.
It's weird.
I mean, if a full-size
person like Major Houlihan
can just disappear,
think what could
happen to my rabbit.
He could be kidnapped
by some Chinese magician.
[door opens]
Oh, uh, Spark,
I gotta go.
Uh, Colonel Flagg
just come in.
Okay, pipsqueak,
what tipped you off?
Uh, well, you don't lookanything like you, sir.
And since you'rea master of disguises,
I figured you're the only one
who couldn't looklike you that much.
I'll buy that...
for now.
But if you ever
cross me up,
you're gonna get
a number eight.
What's that?
Have you ever heard
of the Malaysian chest
implosion torture?
No, sir.
Good, 'cause there's
no such thing.
-Yet.
-Right.
I'll get Colonel Potterfor you.
-Hold it!
-All right.
Nobody tells anybody
I'm anywhere.
-Right.
-Including me.
With you in a minute, Flagg.
Nice suit. Your clownoutfit in the cleaners?
Don't try to be funny
with me, Colonel.
I've trained myself
not to laugh or smile.
Really?
Watched a hundred hours
of The Three Stooges.
Every time I felt
like smiling,
I jabbed myself
in the stomach
with a cattle prod.
That ought to do it.
Let's can the small talk.
Fill me in on
the Houlihan case.
Well, she's been missingsince last night.
We've looked everywhere.
Everywhere?
[chuckling]
There's no such thing
as everywhere.
I'm gonna change
and poke around a bit.
Pardon me forasking, Colonel,
but why are you dressedlike an Italian usher?
Can you keep a secret?
I think so.
I'm disguised as Ling Chow,
Chinese double agent.
Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Neither would Ling Chowif he were dressed like this.
Follow me?
As far as I'd like to.
Well, I'm off.
I couldn't have said itbetter myself.
How's the leg?
Not too bad.
When I blow on my big toe,my thigh whistles.
Oh, don't be such
a namby-pamby.
It's just
a little hole.
Like the one
in Frank's head.
Oh, pound it out
your porthole.
Come in.
I'm already in.
-He's so light on his feet.-Shut up.
If you have anything to say,keep your mouth closed.
[mumbling]
-Can it.
-[mumbling]
What happened to your leg?
Cut myself shaving.
Another comedian.
Where's Houlihan?
I think it's near Dublin.
That's insubordination.
You do that to me
one more time,
and I'm entitled to...
bite off your left ear.
Just food for thought.
He's not bluffing.
He got van Gogh.
Let me tell you something.
I have a completerecord on you.
I know every move you make.
Everything there isto know about you,
so watch your step,Hunnicutt.
-I'm Pierce.
-Fine.
You wanna call yourself Pierce,I can play that game too.
[nervous chuckle]
This won't look goodon your record.
But, sir, it's only
"Reader's Digest."
Not when you eliminatethe third, fifth,
and sixth letters.
Then it's"Red's Digest," Comrade.
-But, Colonel--
-Listen, Pinko!
You're my prime suspect.
Isn't it true you hada torrid relationship
-with Major Houlihan?
-No, sir.
-You wanna see the films?-Films?
I'll get the popcorn.
You were insanely jealousof her engagement.
You were furiousat being rejected.
-You were capable of murder.-That's right.
So you hit her over the headwith a blunt instrument.
-The saxophone.-Then you hypnotized her
and told her
she was Johnny Ray.
Then you performedplastic surgery oh her.
-Made her look like Johnny.-The rest is obvious.
You stuck her in a trunk,
you mailed her to Las Vegas,
and now she's doing two showsa night at the Sands.
Three on Saturday.
There's only one flawin that theory.
Only one?
They don't do three shows
Saturday night at the Sands.
How do you know?
I was a showgirl
for six weeks.
Colonel Potter, sir.
Radar, you can call meeither Colonel or sir.
You don't haveto call me both.
-Yes, sir, Colonel.
-That's better.
Now, what is it?
Uh, sir, the Korean
ladies are here
for their baby
birthing lesson,
and Major Houlihan
and I usually do that.
So I was wondering
if you could help--
If I could help outand give the lecture
-to the Korean ladies.
-Yes, sir.
-Sure.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
Sometimes that stuff
makes me gag.
I'll be gentle.
Good morning, my colonel.
Klinger, you looklovely in yellow.
Always a gentleman.
Now the contractions aregetting really strong.
[speaking Korean]
When you feel one,
you take a deep
breath and push.
-Radar?
-[speaking Korean]
[giggling]
POTTER:Between them, you relaxand breathe normally.
[speaking Korean]
Now we're getting
near the finish line.
[speaking Korean]
Another contraction,
and you can seethe baby's head appear.
[speaking Korean]
So you takea deep breath and push.
[speaking Korean]
Take it easy, Radar.
You don't wanna shoot 'emacross the room.
Now, as you gently rotatethe baby's head...
[speaking Korean]
...the shoulderwill appear.
[speaking Korean]
And once the shouldersare delivered,
the rest of the bodyslips through easily.
Swoosh!
[speaking Korean]
-Swish!
-[giggling]
But it doesn'tsound like that.
[speaking Korean]
Congratulations,Mrs. O'Reilly.
It's a bear.
I'm not drinking.
It just looks
like I'm drinking.
You had me fooled.
Two years ago in Morocco,
I had a device surgicallyimplanted in my throat
that neutralizes alcohol.
That way, the enemycan never get me drunk.
I find that hard to swallow.
I heard they do that
to get the truth
out of you.
Nobody can get
the truth out of me
because even I don't
know what it is.
I keep myself in a constantstate of utter confusion.
That's the best wayto keep things organized.
Making yourself
at home, Flagg?
I have no home.
I'm the wind.
I told you
he was the wind.
You said
he was the stars.
No, I said he was the moon.
Listen, Colonel Wind,
would you mind blowing
your butt off my chair
so I can sit down?
Very well, Colonel.
Time for me
to get up anyway.
I only sit
two minutes a day.
It's bad to put pressureon your brains.
Glad you're here,
Potter.
I want you all
to hear my plan.
Well, if it's your plan, sir,I'll bet it's a good one.
Burns, you interrupt me
one more time,
I'm gonna drop a grenade
down your shorts.
Got it.
Now, I have searched
the entire camp,
and Major Houlihan
is not here.
I think
the Chinese got her.
I have been in this
business 20 years,
and I'm not interestedin the speculationsof an amateur.
What's your theory?
The Chinese got her.
That's what
I said, sir.
What?
Oh, nothing.
No, it's... n-nothing.
Now, I want
a platoon of rangers
to parachute
into North Korea
to search and destroy
anything that moves.
But, Colonel,Margaret moves!
Who would know
better than Frank?
Colonel, let's not causeany unnecessary casualties.
What's war
without casualties?
-Peace.
-If it wasn't for war,
you wouldn't know
what peace was!
-He's got a point there.-Yeah, it's under his hat.
All we're interested in isgetting Major Houlihan back.
-I'll get her back.
-Dead or alive?
Right.
Alert the navy
for offshore artillery.
I want a squadron of coptersfor air-to-ground search,
and, uh, round up
a box of scorpions.
About a dozen.
You mean, uh,you know, scorpions...
-scorpions?
-Big ones.
What the hell are
you gonna do with
a box of scorpions?
It's personal.
Gift for a friend.
That's it. Get moving.
Corporal!
If you can't
find scorpions...
get two snakes and a rat.
And a rat. Right, right.
[baby cooing]
-Afternoon, Major.
-Corporal.
I see everythingcame out all right.
-Isn't he beautiful?
-He sure is.
In my family, every babyhad a nose like a hawk.
Here. Here.
Take him and his mother
over to post-op.
I'll be there in a minute.
How do you breathethrough that little thing?
Anything happen
while I was gone?
I ripped my pinkpedal pushers.
Other than that,it's been very quiet.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
Stop that.
You want to call out
the entire315th Air Division?
That's gonna makea lot of noise.
Why stop there?
Why don't we just
drop an atomic bomb?
Hey, don't tryto make friends with me.
I've been sitting herequietly for a long time,
and there's something I'dlike to say now, Colonel.
What is it?
-Good-bye.
-I'll join you.
Oh, go on ahead,
you two bleeding hearts.
Colonel Flagg and I
don't need you.
My father touched melike that once.
To this day, he still hasto wear orthopedic shirts.
-Margaret!
-Hey, where have you--
-Where have you been?-What's the matter with--
FLAGG: Hold it!
Colonel Flagg.
Don't anybody touch her.
She may be booby-trapped.
Wait a minute, Flagg.Where have you been, Margaret?
I went down the road
to deliver a baby.
-Didn't Klinger tell you?-Oh, Klinger!
Klinger!
Ah, he probably forgot.
His mind isn't
what it used to be.
Maybe he's going
through menopause.
-We were worried sick!
-Oh.
Well, Flagg, it wasfun while it lasted.
Count on me.
I can find anything.
Can you find my virginity?I lost it 20 years ago.
I haven't seen it since.
Radar!
-I just did.
-Oh.
Sir, what about
your scorpions?
That's all right.I'll get some from home.
Well, I guess you've gotbetter things to do, Flagg,
like torturing sheep.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Now, everybody
close your eyes.
-I beg your pardon?
-Huh?
-Close our eyes?
-Oh, no, no, no.
When I finish a job,
nobody sees me leave.
Oh, I forgot.
You're the wind.
I'm either
swallowed up by night
or disappear in the mist.
It's my trademark.
Now close your eyes.
I'd rather close my ears.
If you don't
close your eyes,
I'm not leaving.
-Bye.
-See ya.
Okay.
[screaming]
[glass shattering]
The wind just broke his leg.
I've got it.
Third one from the left.
She was wearing a big hat
and carrying a parasol.
What are you talking about?
I saw Colonel Flagg in Vegas
when he was a showgirl.
I knew there was
something wrong with her.
What tipped you off,the beard?
No, she was the only one
carrying a machine gun.
♪ A pretty girl
[imitating machine gun fire]
♪ Is like a melody
[imitating machine gun fire]
Checkmate.
What? Again?
What is it with you?
[theme music playing]