M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 18 - Hanky Panky - full transcript
What will be the latest casualty of war: the ego of Hawkeye Pierce, the engagement of Margaret Houlihan or the fidelity of BJ Hunnicutt? Lt. Carrie Donovan is having marital problems: she received a "Dear Jane" letter. But, she would rather discuss her problems with BJ than Hawkeye. Poor Margaret is very worried because she has not received a letter from Donald. When she learns her fiancé is in the hospital, she is manic, trying to find out what happened to him. BJ stays out all night and then he wants to write home and confess his sins. Is Hawkeye as good a marriage counsellor as he is a surgeon? Can BJ and Carrie be friends? Will Hotlips have the patience to wait 8 weeks while Donald recovers from a double hernia?
[theme music playing]
[chatter]
HAWKEYE: ♪ Are the stars out tonight
B.J.: No, they're not.
♪ I don't know if it's
cloudy or bright ♪
Cloudy.
♪ 'Cause I only have eyes
Clamp. Clamp.
Clamp.Sorry, Doctor.
♪ For you, dear
You seem preoccupied, Donovan.Is anything wrong?
No, nothing. Thank you.
If it's me, I can always
move to another war. Clamp.
Will you pipe down, Pierce?We're working over here.
What do you think
we're doing over here,
playing hearts?
Oh, you're alwayslooking for a fight.
Well, I've certainly cometo the right place. Suture.
I don't mind
singing in the O.R.
I'm liable to bust out
myself any minute.
Oh, go right ahead, Colonel.It'll do your old heart--
middle-aged heartgood, sir. [laughing]
You certainly have
a winning way, Junior.
Colonel, I wonder if youcould help me with a problem.
Well, I hope so.
I haven'treceived a letter
from my fiancéin four days.
You want me
to write you one?
Not much I can do, Major.
Maybe Penobscott's busy.
Yeah, learning to write.
I'll ignore
that jealousy-inspiredwisecrack.
Has anybody
been getting mail?
Suture. I've been
getting some fan mail
from North Korea.
They want me to play
Panmunjom after the war.
Peace Talks areplaying there now.
It's a tough actto follow.
Oh, I got mail.
I got a wonderful letter frommy old Sunday school teacher.
Tell us about it,
and I'll step on your foot.
I'm worried about Donald.He works so hard.
Maybe he strainedhimself thinking.
Don't you wish. He hasa mind like a steel trap.
That could be dangerous.
If he gets an idea,
he'll snap his neck
and swallow his face.
I feel like Rip Van Winkle.
How long have we
been in there?
Seven
and a half hours.
If I weren't certain ofbeing knighted, I'd resign.
-I wasn't much help
to you, doctor.
-You were fine.
I'm afraid I've got too manythings on my mind.
We all do. I can'tdecide on who to askto the movies tonight.
-I'll bet it isn't me.
-Don't be so sure.
Well, how about you?
You're asking me,
after him?
Well, he turned me down.I'm on the rebound now.
-This is your big chance.-I don't play second fiddle.
Forget the fiddle.What do you play?
Solitaire.
Come on.
What do you say?
Dinner in the mess tent,the room that floats in fat,
followed by a rotten
motion picture.
It's a perfect evening.
-I'm busy.-Going to the auto show?
Post-op.
I'm helping B.J.follow up on some cases.
You're doing time
with Hunnicutt?
Who sentenced you to that?
I volunteered.
You're turning down
the chance to be seen
with the Porfirio Rubirosa
of Ouijongbu.
What a tongue twister.
Oh, you've heard about me.
Maybe next time, Captain.
I'll have my florist sendan armful of pussy willows
-to your tent.
-Won't help.
How about a box ofdehydrated chocolates?
Poor girl's gone bonkers.
-Who, Donovan?
-Yeah.
She turned down the chance
to hold hands with me
-in the flicks tonight.-Ah.
Some day she'll look back andwanna pound her head on a rock.
Is she actually helping
you out in post-op?
Is that so crazy?
You two got the mutualirresistibles for each other?
Ha! Come on.
Tell me, who's the most
devoted family man
-in the world?
-Mickey Rooney.
Who gets an A
in fidelity?
RCA Victor.
-No, you, both times.
-Huh.
So how come she turns down
a date with Dr. Jekyll
to go work in the lab
with Mr. Hyde?
She's helping mewith some cases.
I could use a little of
that kind of help myself.
Hawk...
her husband's
back in the States,
and, uh, their marriageis in trouble.
Gee, I can't understand why.
They're only
12,000 miles apart.
She's really upset about it,
and work's good therapy.
Are you sure there's nothing
going on between you two kids?
Honest.
A little hanky panky
after Taps?
Scout's honor.
-Before?
-No!
-During?
-I'm happily married.
Oh, yeah?
I thought that that wasa contradiction in terms.
Colonel, how'd you likea delicious cup of coffee?
-I'd love it.-Me, too. This stuff stinks.
Oh.
I just don't understandwhy Donald hasn't written.
Maybe there's
another woman.
-Fat chance.
-Another man?
Donald is so devoted,it's scary.
I can certainly tellwhen someone loves me.
When you kiss him,
he clicks his heels.
I can feel his loving armsall the way from Tokyo.
Not bad for
a stocky guy.
Maybe he's involved insome of that spy stuff,
like parachuting
into North Korea.
-That's possible.
-Is he qualified?
-He's made 126 jumps.
-Once from a plane.
Mail call, Colonel.
You got a letter
from Mrs. Colonel.
Bless the dear girl.
Captain Hunnicutt, you gotthree from your wife.
-Three.
-You got three?
-Gotta write 'em to get 'em.-Oh, I don't know.
Melville wrote Moby Dick,and he never wrote back.
Probably on a cruise.
Major Houlihan,
a letter from your
lieutenant colonel.
Oh, wonderful!Wait a minute!
This letter has beenopened. Look.
Sometimes they
come like that.
And sometimes they're opened
by creepy company clerks
who like to peek atintimate personal passages.
Come on, Margaret.
That's uncalled for.
-It's not fair.
-Yeah,
and it wasn't evenvery intimate, either.
Nosy jerk.
Come on, Margaret.Smell your letter and read it.
Oh, this is terrible!
-What is it?
-Did peace break out?
It's Donald.He's in Tokyo Army Hospital!
What's wrong with him?
He doesn't say,brave darling.
Could be just a checkup.
Maybe he's having
a neck installed.
Or getting his
upper lip starched.
You're just jealous becauseDonald is full-lipped.
I'm getting excited.
Eat your pudding.
How you doing, Donovan?
Okay.
Obviously.
Anything I can do?
No.
Bad news from home?
It's a letter
from my old man.
A "Dear Jane."
He started out with, uh...
"Dear Carrie...
I just don't know how
to tell you this."
But he found a way.
Yeah, he did.
[door opening]
Listen, uh, why don't you
skip post-op tonight?
No, I'll be there.
You don't have to.
I can handle it.
So can I.
Okay.
-B.J.?
-Yeah?
Thank you.
Sure.
You know,when you're hurting,
sometimes it helpsto talk about it.
My wife bottles things up,keeps everything inside.
So I get in her wayin the kitchen.
I keep nudging her
till she gets sore enoughto swing at me.
Then out it comes.
The anger, tears,the problem.
Everything.
You must be
a good husband.
Yeah, but we missa lot of dinners.
[chuckles]
Would you liketo talk about it?
N-no, thanks.
Just like Peggy. Stubborn.
I'll meet you in the kitchen.
You can cork me
two good ones.
[chuckles]
To be honest,
I'd like to talk.
But not here.
Someplace where we
wouldn't be interrupted.
How about Guam?
How about my tent?
Oh, that wouldn't do.
Why not?
Well, it wouldn't
look right.
People might get
the wrong idea.
You wanna talk in your tent,we'll talk in your tent.
After I'm finished here,I'll stop by.
Thanks, B.J.
No problem.
Now beat it.
[snoring]
-Corporal.
-Hmm?
-Corporal O'Reilly.
-Betty.
-Aah!
-[kiss]
-Stop that!
-What?
-What are you doing?
-What am I doing?
You kisseda superior officer!
I did? I didn't mean to.
-Why did you do that?
-I don't know.
I was sleeping, and I was
dreaming about--
-It's personal.-Don't you ever do that again!
-I won't ever!
-Hurry up, get up!
I want you to makea call for me.
-Oh, okay.
-Get up. Hurry up.
-I want you to call Tokyo.-Okay.
-Tokyo Army Hospital.
-Right. I got it.
I want to speak to LieutenantColonel Donald Penobscott.
Yeah, I know. He's your
whatchamacallit.
My fiancé, Corporal.
Right. Sparky!
Yeah. Sparky, listen,
get me Tokyo
Army Hospital quick.
And I won't evermention to LieutenantColonel Penobscott
about what just happened,will we?
Oh, never, never, never.
Because he's big and strongand insanely jealous.
And he's got the bite
of a bulldog.
Who said that?
Nobody. I mean, I just
overheard it some place.
Are you working that thing?
Yes. Right. Hello, operator!
Yes. Uh, ma'am,
Uh, please, uh, get me
Lieutenant Donald
Colonel Penobscott.
-A patient.
-He's a patient,
and it's an emergency. Hurry.
What's going on here?Who are you calling, Radar?
Oh, it's for me, Colonel.
We're calling my fiancéin Tokyo.
I've been worried sick.
What? What, operator?
But-- Oh.
Ma'am, he's not
accepting any calls.
[gasp] Leave a message.
A message, operator.
Tell him to callMajor Margaret Houlihan.
Call Major
Margaret Houlihan!
-MASH 4077th.
-MASH 4077th.
Worried to death!
Worried to death!
Love and kisses--[kiss noises].
Love and kisses.
[kiss noises]
Aren't you in a premature
panic, Major?
He's not taking any calls!
This could be very serious!
Maybe he's just resting.
Colonel, request permissionto go to Tokyo
and attend my fiancébefore he dies.
Why don't you relax, find outwhat's wrong with him?
I'll take a chopperin the morning to Kempur
and hitch a ride to Tokyo.
No, Major. Let's me
patient for another day.
I'm not tying up a chopper
and losing a nurse
to find out Penobscott hasa simple pimple on his butt.
A simple pimple on his butt?
Radar, where did you
get that lipstick?
Major Houli-- Aah!
It was an accident!
I told you to keepyour mouth shut!
Right. She did.
It was an accident.
Of course.
Good night.
Good night, Major. Ahem.
Why don't you get
some rest, Romeo?
I thought I hada good marriage.
The war killed it.
"I wish you were writingthis letter instead of me.
It'd be so much easier."
"I know I'llalways love you."
"But I met someone."
Carrie.
Let me make a
little prediction.
One fine day,
believe it or not,
you'll get over all this.
The hurt will pass.
You'll forgive him, and you'llbe ready to love again.
It seems impossible.
I know.
I know, but some day,
you'll be glad that guy's
outta your hair.
-A new fellow will come along.-[chuckles]
Nice, bright guy.
A sucker
for eyes like yours.
You'll start dating.
He'll fall madly
in love with you.
And you'll turn around
and clobber the poor slob.
[laughs]
[yawns]
You want me to wake you upwhen you're finished eating?
I didn't get any sleeplast night.
Gee, I dreamt I was dancingwith Major Houlihan,
and Betty Grablewoke me up.
Somethin' like that.
Good morning.
Morning!
You were out awfullate last night.
Lots to do in post-op.
You were gone when Iwoke up this morning.
Couldn't sleep.
If I didn't know better,
I'd sayyou were out all night.
Mm-hmm.
You could've called.
Mother and I wereworried sick.
Dad, shut up.
Ah, I hate to seethem grow up.
I just hope you weren't wastingyour time with some nurse.
Let's say I was sitting up
with a sick friend.
Good, good.
Start at the beginningand tell me all about it.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Donovan, you look
like a new woman.
Not that there was anythingwrong with the old one.
Thanks. I feel better.
Well, why shouldn'twe all feel good?
Our work is so rewarding.
Always lending a helping hand.
Doing unto others.
Hawk, your mouth
runneth over.
I'm just teasing.
I mean, do I know
what I'm saying?
Whatever it is,
I don't mean it.
-Should I go?
-Just stop talking.
I will as soon as I getmy foot out of my mouth.
I think I'll put it
someplace else.
Ah, I'm being paged
at the pool.
Well, you two carry on.
[laughs]
Strike that.
This is me leaving.
Here I go.
Bye. So long.
-Hello?
-Hi.
Anybody in there?
I'm sorry.
I'm-- I'm a little,
uh, preoccupied.
Anything wrong?
Oh, no, no.
I, uh, I see you'retrying the eggs.
You're braver than I am.
Will you excuse me, Carrie?I've got a lot of work to do.
[knocking]
One second, please.
-Major Houlihan.
-Major Burns.
-Uh, am I disturbing you?-Not yet.
Now you are.What is it?
Firstly, may I say,
I'm sincerely unhappy
your fiancé
is terribly sick.
He's not terribly sick!
All I know is that
he's in the hospital.
Oh, when they don't tell you,it's usually pretty bad.
They haven't
not told me.
I just haven't been
able to find out.
And I'm sincerely nothappy you're unhappy.
Thank you, Frank.
-Anything else?
-Oh, yes.
Uh, I have this littlegift to present to you.
It's just a little,inexpensive token of sincerity.
How lovely.
A Japanese umbrella.
Made in Texas.
Thank you, Frank.That was very sweet.
Well, giving's
what it's all about.
We had a fine relationship
once, Margaret,
and this just goes to provethat there's no hard feelings.
Oh, I get cranky
at times, but...
we're still pals, okay?
What a nice speech.
It's off-the-cuff.
Thank you, Frank.
I hope we canalways be friends.
Oh, why not? I'm always
ready if you need me.
I appreciate that,
and I'm really anxiousfor you to meet Donald.
I think about you in here
and me just across
the compound.
I think about the goodtimes we had, Margaret.
-I'll never forget 'em.-Neither will I, Frank.
A lot of people knock
this war, but I can't.
-It gave me you.
-Oh, thank you.
Our friendship
is real, Margaret.
It's warm. It's honest.
-It's...convenient.
-Frank!
I'm doing my best,
Margaret!
But it's not enough.
I can't stand it anymore!
Frank, stop that!Get a hold of yourself!
-Not me! You!
-Let go of me!
-You fake! You fake!
-Ow, ow, ow!
Don't break it!
I can get my money back!
You pretendyou're my friend!
Take it home,you phony baloney!
[whimpering]
Oh, Donald.
-How do you feel?
-Terrible.
-You wanna talk about it?-No.
Nothing like an old finkto tell your troubles to.
I don't wanna
talk about it.
Come on.
Pour your heart out.
I'm a doctor.
I can fix it.
[sighs]
Hawk,you're looking at a guy
that fell offthe fidelity wagon.
I thought I heard a thump
sometime last night.
And I'm miserable.
I'm a happily married man.
Not like Frank Burns is happy
because his wife
owns real estate.
I adore my wife and my kidand my marriage.
I know.
I don't like being unfaithful.I'm not lookin' around.
I'm lucky to havewhat I've got.
You're right.
You are lucky.
God help me.
B.J., you stumbled
last night. That's all.
You were helping somebody,
and it got out of hand.
-You made a mistake.
-I sure did.
What's that?
I'm writing Peg about it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Don't be an idiot.
You made one lousy goof,and you wanna punish yourself,
but don't punish her.
Do not tell Peg.
Don't tell anybody
what you just told me.
This will pass.
Like a kidney stone.
Simply take a vow.
Raise your right hand.
Come on. Come on.
I promise to be a good
and faithful husband,
to write nice,
cheerful letters home,
to think of Peg often,
and to keep my fat hands
off Nurse Donovan.
-[chuckles]
-Do you vow?
I vow.
I feel better
about you already.
-Thanks.
-My pleasure.
There's probably a career
for me in saving marriages.
You know, I'm gonna
take a vow too.
Good for you.
I, Hawkeye Pierce,
vow that, some day,
I will take a vow
just like his.
Amen. But right now,
I'm a little late for
a very important date.
No time to say hello,
goodbye.
I'm late, I'm late,
I'm late.
Lieutenant,what can I do you for?
Oh, uh, it's a personal
problem, Colonel.
Uh, my husband
wants a divorce.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Stateside, is he?
-Yes, Colonel.
Well, it's a wonder
we don't have moreof this kind of casualty.
They say absence makes
the heart grow fonder,
but I think that'sa lot of buffalo bagels.
Excuse me.
Sit down, Donovan.
Um, I'd like
a transfer, Colonel.
I'm making a mess of
things here at 4077.
You volunteered forthis duty, Lieutenant,
and you've been
doing good work.
We need you.
I'd be happier elsewhere.
If you've got problems,people problems,
I'd like youto work them out.
They don't mean anything
compared to what these boysare going through.
Don't you agree?
Yes, Colonel.
I don't want you leaving
'cause you're hittinga rough stretch of road.
Hang on for a while.
It's my opinionyou can ride it out.
Okay?
I'll try.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Colonel Potter, sir.
What do you want, Klinger?
Justice, sir.
Justice in the army?You're crazy.
You might say that, Colonel.
Uh-oh. I don't likethose moist eyes.
Sir, you ever heard of
the Toledo Strangler?
No.
He's struck eight times.
The terror of Toledo.
Kills only women
motorcycle cops.
So?
The fiend
stands before you.
You are the ToledoStrangler?
I confess, I am.
Extradite me.
Send me back to Toledo
for a lengthy jury trial.
Why do you do this,Klinger?
The sirens, sir.
The sirens on the motorcyclesdrive me bananas.
Have you read this?
What do you mean?
It says herethe last murder
took placeonly two weeks ago.
This man's an imposter.
Some nut trying
to get in on my act.
Beat it, Klinger.
But, sir, what about
the newspaper clipping?
What about it?
It says the killer's
from Toledo
and always uses
a yellow scarf.
I rest my case.
Paste itin your scrapbook.
I could strangle
somebody for ya.
I don't mind auditioning.A person of your choice?
Some other time.
Colonel, I don't expect
you to buy everything
I bring in here,
but maybe just once, okay?
Out, Klinger, before I calla woman motorcycle cop.
[clicks heels]
Doctor?
Captain Hunnicutt.
-What's wrong?-This one looks shocky.
He's waxy,
and his lips are blue.
What are his vital signs?
Pulse 120.
B.P. 94 over 52.
Give me anotherunit of plasma.
Right.
Nurse.
Yeah, thanks.
It was a good pickup,
Carrie. Alert as hell.
Thanks.
We're gonna have to
watch him for a while.
How are you feeling?
-Why do you ask?
-What?
What do you care?
Those are the firstcivil words
you've spoken to mein a week.
You're exaggerating
a bit, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
You've been salty as hell.
A bear with hangnails.
I wasn't aware of it.
Wanna talk about it?
-No.
-Why not?
'Cause the last time
we talked, we didn't.
That's what we
oughta talk about.
B.J.,
it's important to me.
Okay.
Nurse.
Keep an eye on himfor a few minutes.
I'll be right outside.
[wind gusting]
I know how you feel.
You feel guilty.
But you're blaming me.
No, I'm not.
I'm blaming myself.
Only partly.
Look, I get your angerevery time I come near you.
I don't need it.
Carrie, I'm sorry,but you know what happened.
I got this enormous
attack of the guilts.
I've never done that before.
I'm hopelessly, passionatelyin love with my wife.
What's wrong with that?
I don't wanna mess that up.
I feel like I've
betrayed her.
Why?
Because you were kind andconsiderate and sweet to me?
Because I was indespair one night,
and you helped methrough it?
Are you ashamed of it?
No, of course not,
but there was more
to it than that.
We didn't plan that.
We're still human beings,you know,
no matter how hardwe try not to be.
Yes, I know,
and I'm still afraid.
Of what?
Of you.
Because you're right here,
and you're so attractiveand so close.
And so vulnerable.
Yes.
You don't trust yourself.
[scoffs]
B.J., just becauseI'm across the compound
doesn't mean you canwaltz into my tent
whenever you want to.
I needed you that night,and you were there.
I'll always love you for that.
It doesn't mean it's evergonna happen again.
I can work out my own problem.
I don't expect youto be the answer to it.
Does that make it easier?
Yes... and no.
We can be friends.
Yes, we can.
Closer than most.
Still friends.
Carrie...
you're very special.
I like you, too.
Okay.
Let's go back
to work, friend.
Hello! Hello!
Lieutenant DonaldColonel Penobscott?
-Aah!-Yes, Major Houlihan calling.
-Thank heaven.
-Thank Radar.
Donald? Margaret!
How are you?
Oh, darling,I've been worried sick!
I was just saying I--
Colonel, Corporal,
may I make my call
in private, please?
Certainly.
Donald, how are you?
Darling,what's happened to you?
Oh, no! No!
Colonel, Colonel,come back in here, please!
-What is it, Major?
-It's Donald!
He's hurt himself.
A hernia
doing the rope climb
on the obstacle course.
Donald, you're always
training so hard.
Colonel, request permission
to go to him, please.
We're very busy, Major.
But he needs
a hernia operation.
We need you here.
He won't let me go.
It's this stupid war!
-She's right. It's the war.-Colonel, Corporal,
may I complete my call
in private, please?
Certainly. He'll beout of action for aboutfour weeks, Major.
Never mind!
Donald, you've got
to be more careful!
The rope climb--
A double hernia!
POTTER: Eight weeks.
Oh, Donald, you--
Donald, you can't
do this to me.
You have to be a littlemore considerate.
After all, you're
an engaged person.
[theme music playing]
[chatter]
HAWKEYE: ♪ Are the stars out tonight
B.J.: No, they're not.
♪ I don't know if it's
cloudy or bright ♪
Cloudy.
♪ 'Cause I only have eyes
Clamp. Clamp.
Clamp.Sorry, Doctor.
♪ For you, dear
You seem preoccupied, Donovan.Is anything wrong?
No, nothing. Thank you.
If it's me, I can always
move to another war. Clamp.
Will you pipe down, Pierce?We're working over here.
What do you think
we're doing over here,
playing hearts?
Oh, you're alwayslooking for a fight.
Well, I've certainly cometo the right place. Suture.
I don't mind
singing in the O.R.
I'm liable to bust out
myself any minute.
Oh, go right ahead, Colonel.It'll do your old heart--
middle-aged heartgood, sir. [laughing]
You certainly have
a winning way, Junior.
Colonel, I wonder if youcould help me with a problem.
Well, I hope so.
I haven'treceived a letter
from my fiancéin four days.
You want me
to write you one?
Not much I can do, Major.
Maybe Penobscott's busy.
Yeah, learning to write.
I'll ignore
that jealousy-inspiredwisecrack.
Has anybody
been getting mail?
Suture. I've been
getting some fan mail
from North Korea.
They want me to play
Panmunjom after the war.
Peace Talks areplaying there now.
It's a tough actto follow.
Oh, I got mail.
I got a wonderful letter frommy old Sunday school teacher.
Tell us about it,
and I'll step on your foot.
I'm worried about Donald.He works so hard.
Maybe he strainedhimself thinking.
Don't you wish. He hasa mind like a steel trap.
That could be dangerous.
If he gets an idea,
he'll snap his neck
and swallow his face.
I feel like Rip Van Winkle.
How long have we
been in there?
Seven
and a half hours.
If I weren't certain ofbeing knighted, I'd resign.
-I wasn't much help
to you, doctor.
-You were fine.
I'm afraid I've got too manythings on my mind.
We all do. I can'tdecide on who to askto the movies tonight.
-I'll bet it isn't me.
-Don't be so sure.
Well, how about you?
You're asking me,
after him?
Well, he turned me down.I'm on the rebound now.
-This is your big chance.-I don't play second fiddle.
Forget the fiddle.What do you play?
Solitaire.
Come on.
What do you say?
Dinner in the mess tent,the room that floats in fat,
followed by a rotten
motion picture.
It's a perfect evening.
-I'm busy.-Going to the auto show?
Post-op.
I'm helping B.J.follow up on some cases.
You're doing time
with Hunnicutt?
Who sentenced you to that?
I volunteered.
You're turning down
the chance to be seen
with the Porfirio Rubirosa
of Ouijongbu.
What a tongue twister.
Oh, you've heard about me.
Maybe next time, Captain.
I'll have my florist sendan armful of pussy willows
-to your tent.
-Won't help.
How about a box ofdehydrated chocolates?
Poor girl's gone bonkers.
-Who, Donovan?
-Yeah.
She turned down the chance
to hold hands with me
-in the flicks tonight.-Ah.
Some day she'll look back andwanna pound her head on a rock.
Is she actually helping
you out in post-op?
Is that so crazy?
You two got the mutualirresistibles for each other?
Ha! Come on.
Tell me, who's the most
devoted family man
-in the world?
-Mickey Rooney.
Who gets an A
in fidelity?
RCA Victor.
-No, you, both times.
-Huh.
So how come she turns down
a date with Dr. Jekyll
to go work in the lab
with Mr. Hyde?
She's helping mewith some cases.
I could use a little of
that kind of help myself.
Hawk...
her husband's
back in the States,
and, uh, their marriageis in trouble.
Gee, I can't understand why.
They're only
12,000 miles apart.
She's really upset about it,
and work's good therapy.
Are you sure there's nothing
going on between you two kids?
Honest.
A little hanky panky
after Taps?
Scout's honor.
-Before?
-No!
-During?
-I'm happily married.
Oh, yeah?
I thought that that wasa contradiction in terms.
Colonel, how'd you likea delicious cup of coffee?
-I'd love it.-Me, too. This stuff stinks.
Oh.
I just don't understandwhy Donald hasn't written.
Maybe there's
another woman.
-Fat chance.
-Another man?
Donald is so devoted,it's scary.
I can certainly tellwhen someone loves me.
When you kiss him,
he clicks his heels.
I can feel his loving armsall the way from Tokyo.
Not bad for
a stocky guy.
Maybe he's involved insome of that spy stuff,
like parachuting
into North Korea.
-That's possible.
-Is he qualified?
-He's made 126 jumps.
-Once from a plane.
Mail call, Colonel.
You got a letter
from Mrs. Colonel.
Bless the dear girl.
Captain Hunnicutt, you gotthree from your wife.
-Three.
-You got three?
-Gotta write 'em to get 'em.-Oh, I don't know.
Melville wrote Moby Dick,and he never wrote back.
Probably on a cruise.
Major Houlihan,
a letter from your
lieutenant colonel.
Oh, wonderful!Wait a minute!
This letter has beenopened. Look.
Sometimes they
come like that.
And sometimes they're opened
by creepy company clerks
who like to peek atintimate personal passages.
Come on, Margaret.
That's uncalled for.
-It's not fair.
-Yeah,
and it wasn't evenvery intimate, either.
Nosy jerk.
Come on, Margaret.Smell your letter and read it.
Oh, this is terrible!
-What is it?
-Did peace break out?
It's Donald.He's in Tokyo Army Hospital!
What's wrong with him?
He doesn't say,brave darling.
Could be just a checkup.
Maybe he's having
a neck installed.
Or getting his
upper lip starched.
You're just jealous becauseDonald is full-lipped.
I'm getting excited.
Eat your pudding.
How you doing, Donovan?
Okay.
Obviously.
Anything I can do?
No.
Bad news from home?
It's a letter
from my old man.
A "Dear Jane."
He started out with, uh...
"Dear Carrie...
I just don't know how
to tell you this."
But he found a way.
Yeah, he did.
[door opening]
Listen, uh, why don't you
skip post-op tonight?
No, I'll be there.
You don't have to.
I can handle it.
So can I.
Okay.
-B.J.?
-Yeah?
Thank you.
Sure.
You know,when you're hurting,
sometimes it helpsto talk about it.
My wife bottles things up,keeps everything inside.
So I get in her wayin the kitchen.
I keep nudging her
till she gets sore enoughto swing at me.
Then out it comes.
The anger, tears,the problem.
Everything.
You must be
a good husband.
Yeah, but we missa lot of dinners.
[chuckles]
Would you liketo talk about it?
N-no, thanks.
Just like Peggy. Stubborn.
I'll meet you in the kitchen.
You can cork me
two good ones.
[chuckles]
To be honest,
I'd like to talk.
But not here.
Someplace where we
wouldn't be interrupted.
How about Guam?
How about my tent?
Oh, that wouldn't do.
Why not?
Well, it wouldn't
look right.
People might get
the wrong idea.
You wanna talk in your tent,we'll talk in your tent.
After I'm finished here,I'll stop by.
Thanks, B.J.
No problem.
Now beat it.
[snoring]
-Corporal.
-Hmm?
-Corporal O'Reilly.
-Betty.
-Aah!
-[kiss]
-Stop that!
-What?
-What are you doing?
-What am I doing?
You kisseda superior officer!
I did? I didn't mean to.
-Why did you do that?
-I don't know.
I was sleeping, and I was
dreaming about--
-It's personal.-Don't you ever do that again!
-I won't ever!
-Hurry up, get up!
I want you to makea call for me.
-Oh, okay.
-Get up. Hurry up.
-I want you to call Tokyo.-Okay.
-Tokyo Army Hospital.
-Right. I got it.
I want to speak to LieutenantColonel Donald Penobscott.
Yeah, I know. He's your
whatchamacallit.
My fiancé, Corporal.
Right. Sparky!
Yeah. Sparky, listen,
get me Tokyo
Army Hospital quick.
And I won't evermention to LieutenantColonel Penobscott
about what just happened,will we?
Oh, never, never, never.
Because he's big and strongand insanely jealous.
And he's got the bite
of a bulldog.
Who said that?
Nobody. I mean, I just
overheard it some place.
Are you working that thing?
Yes. Right. Hello, operator!
Yes. Uh, ma'am,
Uh, please, uh, get me
Lieutenant Donald
Colonel Penobscott.
-A patient.
-He's a patient,
and it's an emergency. Hurry.
What's going on here?Who are you calling, Radar?
Oh, it's for me, Colonel.
We're calling my fiancéin Tokyo.
I've been worried sick.
What? What, operator?
But-- Oh.
Ma'am, he's not
accepting any calls.
[gasp] Leave a message.
A message, operator.
Tell him to callMajor Margaret Houlihan.
Call Major
Margaret Houlihan!
-MASH 4077th.
-MASH 4077th.
Worried to death!
Worried to death!
Love and kisses--[kiss noises].
Love and kisses.
[kiss noises]
Aren't you in a premature
panic, Major?
He's not taking any calls!
This could be very serious!
Maybe he's just resting.
Colonel, request permissionto go to Tokyo
and attend my fiancébefore he dies.
Why don't you relax, find outwhat's wrong with him?
I'll take a chopperin the morning to Kempur
and hitch a ride to Tokyo.
No, Major. Let's me
patient for another day.
I'm not tying up a chopper
and losing a nurse
to find out Penobscott hasa simple pimple on his butt.
A simple pimple on his butt?
Radar, where did you
get that lipstick?
Major Houli-- Aah!
It was an accident!
I told you to keepyour mouth shut!
Right. She did.
It was an accident.
Of course.
Good night.
Good night, Major. Ahem.
Why don't you get
some rest, Romeo?
I thought I hada good marriage.
The war killed it.
"I wish you were writingthis letter instead of me.
It'd be so much easier."
"I know I'llalways love you."
"But I met someone."
Carrie.
Let me make a
little prediction.
One fine day,
believe it or not,
you'll get over all this.
The hurt will pass.
You'll forgive him, and you'llbe ready to love again.
It seems impossible.
I know.
I know, but some day,
you'll be glad that guy's
outta your hair.
-A new fellow will come along.-[chuckles]
Nice, bright guy.
A sucker
for eyes like yours.
You'll start dating.
He'll fall madly
in love with you.
And you'll turn around
and clobber the poor slob.
[laughs]
[yawns]
You want me to wake you upwhen you're finished eating?
I didn't get any sleeplast night.
Gee, I dreamt I was dancingwith Major Houlihan,
and Betty Grablewoke me up.
Somethin' like that.
Good morning.
Morning!
You were out awfullate last night.
Lots to do in post-op.
You were gone when Iwoke up this morning.
Couldn't sleep.
If I didn't know better,
I'd sayyou were out all night.
Mm-hmm.
You could've called.
Mother and I wereworried sick.
Dad, shut up.
Ah, I hate to seethem grow up.
I just hope you weren't wastingyour time with some nurse.
Let's say I was sitting up
with a sick friend.
Good, good.
Start at the beginningand tell me all about it.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Donovan, you look
like a new woman.
Not that there was anythingwrong with the old one.
Thanks. I feel better.
Well, why shouldn'twe all feel good?
Our work is so rewarding.
Always lending a helping hand.
Doing unto others.
Hawk, your mouth
runneth over.
I'm just teasing.
I mean, do I know
what I'm saying?
Whatever it is,
I don't mean it.
-Should I go?
-Just stop talking.
I will as soon as I getmy foot out of my mouth.
I think I'll put it
someplace else.
Ah, I'm being paged
at the pool.
Well, you two carry on.
[laughs]
Strike that.
This is me leaving.
Here I go.
Bye. So long.
-Hello?
-Hi.
Anybody in there?
I'm sorry.
I'm-- I'm a little,
uh, preoccupied.
Anything wrong?
Oh, no, no.
I, uh, I see you'retrying the eggs.
You're braver than I am.
Will you excuse me, Carrie?I've got a lot of work to do.
[knocking]
One second, please.
-Major Houlihan.
-Major Burns.
-Uh, am I disturbing you?-Not yet.
Now you are.What is it?
Firstly, may I say,
I'm sincerely unhappy
your fiancé
is terribly sick.
He's not terribly sick!
All I know is that
he's in the hospital.
Oh, when they don't tell you,it's usually pretty bad.
They haven't
not told me.
I just haven't been
able to find out.
And I'm sincerely nothappy you're unhappy.
Thank you, Frank.
-Anything else?
-Oh, yes.
Uh, I have this littlegift to present to you.
It's just a little,inexpensive token of sincerity.
How lovely.
A Japanese umbrella.
Made in Texas.
Thank you, Frank.That was very sweet.
Well, giving's
what it's all about.
We had a fine relationship
once, Margaret,
and this just goes to provethat there's no hard feelings.
Oh, I get cranky
at times, but...
we're still pals, okay?
What a nice speech.
It's off-the-cuff.
Thank you, Frank.
I hope we canalways be friends.
Oh, why not? I'm always
ready if you need me.
I appreciate that,
and I'm really anxiousfor you to meet Donald.
I think about you in here
and me just across
the compound.
I think about the goodtimes we had, Margaret.
-I'll never forget 'em.-Neither will I, Frank.
A lot of people knock
this war, but I can't.
-It gave me you.
-Oh, thank you.
Our friendship
is real, Margaret.
It's warm. It's honest.
-It's...convenient.
-Frank!
I'm doing my best,
Margaret!
But it's not enough.
I can't stand it anymore!
Frank, stop that!Get a hold of yourself!
-Not me! You!
-Let go of me!
-You fake! You fake!
-Ow, ow, ow!
Don't break it!
I can get my money back!
You pretendyou're my friend!
Take it home,you phony baloney!
[whimpering]
Oh, Donald.
-How do you feel?
-Terrible.
-You wanna talk about it?-No.
Nothing like an old finkto tell your troubles to.
I don't wanna
talk about it.
Come on.
Pour your heart out.
I'm a doctor.
I can fix it.
[sighs]
Hawk,you're looking at a guy
that fell offthe fidelity wagon.
I thought I heard a thump
sometime last night.
And I'm miserable.
I'm a happily married man.
Not like Frank Burns is happy
because his wife
owns real estate.
I adore my wife and my kidand my marriage.
I know.
I don't like being unfaithful.I'm not lookin' around.
I'm lucky to havewhat I've got.
You're right.
You are lucky.
God help me.
B.J., you stumbled
last night. That's all.
You were helping somebody,
and it got out of hand.
-You made a mistake.
-I sure did.
What's that?
I'm writing Peg about it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Don't be an idiot.
You made one lousy goof,and you wanna punish yourself,
but don't punish her.
Do not tell Peg.
Don't tell anybody
what you just told me.
This will pass.
Like a kidney stone.
Simply take a vow.
Raise your right hand.
Come on. Come on.
I promise to be a good
and faithful husband,
to write nice,
cheerful letters home,
to think of Peg often,
and to keep my fat hands
off Nurse Donovan.
-[chuckles]
-Do you vow?
I vow.
I feel better
about you already.
-Thanks.
-My pleasure.
There's probably a career
for me in saving marriages.
You know, I'm gonna
take a vow too.
Good for you.
I, Hawkeye Pierce,
vow that, some day,
I will take a vow
just like his.
Amen. But right now,
I'm a little late for
a very important date.
No time to say hello,
goodbye.
I'm late, I'm late,
I'm late.
Lieutenant,what can I do you for?
Oh, uh, it's a personal
problem, Colonel.
Uh, my husband
wants a divorce.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Stateside, is he?
-Yes, Colonel.
Well, it's a wonder
we don't have moreof this kind of casualty.
They say absence makes
the heart grow fonder,
but I think that'sa lot of buffalo bagels.
Excuse me.
Sit down, Donovan.
Um, I'd like
a transfer, Colonel.
I'm making a mess of
things here at 4077.
You volunteered forthis duty, Lieutenant,
and you've been
doing good work.
We need you.
I'd be happier elsewhere.
If you've got problems,people problems,
I'd like youto work them out.
They don't mean anything
compared to what these boysare going through.
Don't you agree?
Yes, Colonel.
I don't want you leaving
'cause you're hittinga rough stretch of road.
Hang on for a while.
It's my opinionyou can ride it out.
Okay?
I'll try.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Colonel Potter, sir.
What do you want, Klinger?
Justice, sir.
Justice in the army?You're crazy.
You might say that, Colonel.
Uh-oh. I don't likethose moist eyes.
Sir, you ever heard of
the Toledo Strangler?
No.
He's struck eight times.
The terror of Toledo.
Kills only women
motorcycle cops.
So?
The fiend
stands before you.
You are the ToledoStrangler?
I confess, I am.
Extradite me.
Send me back to Toledo
for a lengthy jury trial.
Why do you do this,Klinger?
The sirens, sir.
The sirens on the motorcyclesdrive me bananas.
Have you read this?
What do you mean?
It says herethe last murder
took placeonly two weeks ago.
This man's an imposter.
Some nut trying
to get in on my act.
Beat it, Klinger.
But, sir, what about
the newspaper clipping?
What about it?
It says the killer's
from Toledo
and always uses
a yellow scarf.
I rest my case.
Paste itin your scrapbook.
I could strangle
somebody for ya.
I don't mind auditioning.A person of your choice?
Some other time.
Colonel, I don't expect
you to buy everything
I bring in here,
but maybe just once, okay?
Out, Klinger, before I calla woman motorcycle cop.
[clicks heels]
Doctor?
Captain Hunnicutt.
-What's wrong?-This one looks shocky.
He's waxy,
and his lips are blue.
What are his vital signs?
Pulse 120.
B.P. 94 over 52.
Give me anotherunit of plasma.
Right.
Nurse.
Yeah, thanks.
It was a good pickup,
Carrie. Alert as hell.
Thanks.
We're gonna have to
watch him for a while.
How are you feeling?
-Why do you ask?
-What?
What do you care?
Those are the firstcivil words
you've spoken to mein a week.
You're exaggerating
a bit, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
You've been salty as hell.
A bear with hangnails.
I wasn't aware of it.
Wanna talk about it?
-No.
-Why not?
'Cause the last time
we talked, we didn't.
That's what we
oughta talk about.
B.J.,
it's important to me.
Okay.
Nurse.
Keep an eye on himfor a few minutes.
I'll be right outside.
[wind gusting]
I know how you feel.
You feel guilty.
But you're blaming me.
No, I'm not.
I'm blaming myself.
Only partly.
Look, I get your angerevery time I come near you.
I don't need it.
Carrie, I'm sorry,but you know what happened.
I got this enormous
attack of the guilts.
I've never done that before.
I'm hopelessly, passionatelyin love with my wife.
What's wrong with that?
I don't wanna mess that up.
I feel like I've
betrayed her.
Why?
Because you were kind andconsiderate and sweet to me?
Because I was indespair one night,
and you helped methrough it?
Are you ashamed of it?
No, of course not,
but there was more
to it than that.
We didn't plan that.
We're still human beings,you know,
no matter how hardwe try not to be.
Yes, I know,
and I'm still afraid.
Of what?
Of you.
Because you're right here,
and you're so attractiveand so close.
And so vulnerable.
Yes.
You don't trust yourself.
[scoffs]
B.J., just becauseI'm across the compound
doesn't mean you canwaltz into my tent
whenever you want to.
I needed you that night,and you were there.
I'll always love you for that.
It doesn't mean it's evergonna happen again.
I can work out my own problem.
I don't expect youto be the answer to it.
Does that make it easier?
Yes... and no.
We can be friends.
Yes, we can.
Closer than most.
Still friends.
Carrie...
you're very special.
I like you, too.
Okay.
Let's go back
to work, friend.
Hello! Hello!
Lieutenant DonaldColonel Penobscott?
-Aah!-Yes, Major Houlihan calling.
-Thank heaven.
-Thank Radar.
Donald? Margaret!
How are you?
Oh, darling,I've been worried sick!
I was just saying I--
Colonel, Corporal,
may I make my call
in private, please?
Certainly.
Donald, how are you?
Darling,what's happened to you?
Oh, no! No!
Colonel, Colonel,come back in here, please!
-What is it, Major?
-It's Donald!
He's hurt himself.
A hernia
doing the rope climb
on the obstacle course.
Donald, you're always
training so hard.
Colonel, request permission
to go to him, please.
We're very busy, Major.
But he needs
a hernia operation.
We need you here.
He won't let me go.
It's this stupid war!
-She's right. It's the war.-Colonel, Corporal,
may I complete my call
in private, please?
Certainly. He'll beout of action for aboutfour weeks, Major.
Never mind!
Donald, you've got
to be more careful!
The rope climb--
A double hernia!
POTTER: Eight weeks.
Oh, Donald, you--
Donald, you can't
do this to me.
You have to be a littlemore considerate.
After all, you're
an engaged person.
[theme music playing]