M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 17 - End Run - full transcript
A former star college football player suffers a severe leg injury in combat and must deal with the consequences, and Major Burns goes behind Colonel Potter's back to set up a boxing match between Klinger and Zale.
[theme music playing]
Hey, kid, get down!
Get down!
Billy, I'm hit!
[grunting, groaning]
I'm coming for you.Just keep your head down.
I'm coming.
[bomb incoming]
Billy? Billy?
Billy?
Billy!
Medic! Medic!
[grunting, groaning]
Hey, how bad is it?
You'll make it.
Come on, I wanna knowhow bad it is.
Okay, let's get him
on the litter!
Take it easy.
You'll be all right.
How about the kid?
He'll be fine.
W-Was he hurt bad?
Iodine and Band-Aids.
Thank God.
You're welcome.
[grunting, groaning]
Hey, watch it.
Go on, kill 'em!
Th-That's it!
Boy.
Fight 'em in there
Go get 'im.
Hey, Klinger,get the big guy.
He's from the 8063rd.
And ruin my hat?
This is fightin', Klinger.You're an American.
But this is Korea. Ooh!
You don't like it here,
why don't you go backwhere you came from?
Why do you think I'm
wearing this dress?
[tires squealing]
Listen, this isa battalion aid station,
not Walter Reed.
I got a sergeant here
who looks pretty bad.
He can't take
an ambulance trip.
Send the chopper now!
He'll need another
shot of morphine
before he wakes
for the ride.
Let up on that tourniquet
every 20 seconds.
Must have cut your leg
on something, huh, Tyler?
Look, Doc, there's nothingmissing on me, is there?
I'm still in one piece, right?
You're fine.
There ain't nothin' gone?
Relax. You're still
in one piece.
Welcome to MASH. The boywill take your luggage.
If you tip him,you may even get it back.
Look at that leg. Yuck!
Don't mind him.
He's a leg man.
Give him a unit ofwhole blood and prep him.
Frank, you ever heard
of patient morale?
I'm a doctor,
not an entertainer.
You had me fooled. Didn'tyou think he was a comic?
He's got everybodyin stitches,
whether they need themor not.
Aw, chowderheads.
That man's a foreigner.
I'm not operating on him.
Believe it or not,this is your lucky day.
[muttering]
Hey, Hawkeye,
you know who thatis over there?
Eleanor Roosevelt?
No, that's Billy Tyler.
-You mean the Billy Tyler?-Yeah.
Incredible.
Who's Billy Tyler?
You know, the All-Americanrunning back from Iowa.
Tied the Big Ten rushingrecord for a single season.
Surefire star for the pros.
Did you swallow
a radio announcer?
Everyone in Iowaknows Billy Tyler.
-Geez, is he hurt bad?
-He ain't hurt good.
Hey, Captain Pierce,
I got anothercasualty here.
That's Kornhaus.
What team does he play for?
He's the cook's assistant.
What happened?
There was a fightin Rosie's Bar.
This war'sgetting dangerous.
What's going on here?
Uh, Frank, this isP.F.C. Kornhaus,
the cook's assistant.
He slippedand cracked his head open
-on some Jell-O.
-Jell-O?
Dr. Pierce, it's timeto wash your hands.
-Oh, is supper ready?
-Must be.
There's a tablewaiting for you in O.R.
Jokes, jokes, jokes.
And you call
yourselves doctors?
-Only when we're sick.-Take care of him, Frank.
Next time you get near
Jell-O, wear your helmet.
[whispering]
Doc...
Before you put me under,
tell me...
what are you gonna do?
Our very best.
Is that gonna be good enough?
We come highlyrecommended.
And besides, we'rethe only game in town.
I want it straight.
How bad am I?
You'll make it, Sergeant.
Will the leg?
We'll do everything we can.
Doc, please.
If you can't save the leg...
don't save me.
Hey, Klinger. You know whereour cook is? He's in pre-op.
Better there
than in the kitchen.
-It's because of you.-I wasn't even in the fight.
I noticed. Afraid to getyour dress wrinkled?
You can't wrinkle this.
It's nylon.
I oughta punch youin the nose.
Your fist isn't big enough.
I can't stand any guy thatwon't fight for his outfit.
I was fighting for my outfit.I didn't want to tear it.
You're a weak-kneed,chickenhearted jellyfish!
You're a fat-necked,
lily-livered blowhard!
-Oh, yeah?
-Come on, guys.
-Yeah!
-Will you listen?
-What?
-What is it?
I'm getting squished.
[gas hissing]
Can you work any faster?
I'm already playing
the "Minute Waltz"
in 30 seconds.
Lousy peripheral pulse.
Can you find
another graft, Hawk?
That vein you're hooking
up to seems awfully narrow.
This is the best onehe's got left.
Do you have enoughfive-oh silk?
I got plenty ofeverything but patient.
I wish I had yoursense of humor, Doctor.
I wish I did too.
Gentlemen and lady,
we have a true hero
with us today.
Sit down, Kornhaus.
A man with true
esprit de corps.
A man who knows what troop
morale really means.
Burns, do me a favor.
Anything, sir.
Stick a handful of
retractors in your mouth.
But, Colonel,
Kornhaus went to bat
for the honor
of the 4077th.
He may be
a little bloody,
but you ought to see
the other guy.
Right, Kornhaus?
Naw, he looks pretty good.
Yeah, I'll bet.
You're okay, Kornhaus.
Well, you're
in good hands.
Just a little
Mercurochrome.
This isn't gonna sting,is it, Doc?
Soldier, it's gonna
hurt me more than you.
Frank's so clumsy,he's probably right.
Colonel, will you tell Piercenot to call me clumsy
in front of Major Houlihan?
It's too late, Burns.She already knows.
Boy, this is tough.
One of the toughest.
This place is a mess.
[chuckles]
Get it? A mess?
I made a joke.[chuckles]
So did your father.
No, I meanit's really a mess.
Why don't youand some of the nurses
-decorate it up a little?-In war, Frank,
decorations belong
on a soldier's chest.
That's true.
Like my fiancé,
Colonel Penobscott--
a soldier's soldier,
a fighter.
Oh, yeah? You wantto see a fighter?
I'll show you a fighter.
-Zale.
-Yes, sir?
-Tell the major
about Rosie's Bar.
-Huh?
You know, how you defendedthe honor of the 4077th
-with your fists.-Ah, I didn't need no fists.
I use these.I'm great at eye gouging.
[chuckles]An eye gouger. An animal.
-And he takes orders from me.
-Uhh.
What are you doin' here, Zale?This is where people eat.
Beat it. I'll give
you 10 seconds.
You can't countthat high.
You sold out your own
buddies, Benedict Arnold.
Excuse me,
Mrs. Benedict Arnold.
I accept your apology.
-Come on, move it.
-Watch it.
I wouldn't wanna get
you mad or nothin'.
Good, 'cause when Iget pushed, I get sore.
-You like mashed potatoes?-Yeah.
Good. Have mine!
Thanks. Here.
Here's some lemon pie!
[shouting]
Make them stop, Frank!
Or are you afraid?
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop it!
Please?
-Ow!
-They won't stop.
MARGARET:
All right, knock it off!
Knock it off!
There's no excuse for thissort of animal behavior,
not even from enlisted.
Major, I'll handle this.
All right, who started it?
-He did!
-He did!
Well, we'll never getto the bottom of this.
Shake hands and forget it.
Wait a second!
Clean that up.
Are you gonna let
them off that easy?
Well, what elsecan I do?
Well, Donald certainly
wouldn't have handled
it that way.
Well, I'm not interestedin how Donald would havehandled it.
How would hehave handled it?
He'd make them
fight it out.
That's exactlywhat I was going to do.
-Really?
-Of course.
All right, now listen,you two bozos.
Tomorrow, 1600 hours,
near the latrine.
You're gonna put on the mitts,
and we're gonna see whothe best man really is.
¿Comprende?Good.
Now, the first man
knocked unconscious
will be the loser.
Dismissed.
Frank, that took
real guts.
It did?Well, of course it did.
Sometimes an officer has
to break regulations.
-What?
-Just make sure
Colonel Potter
doesn't hear about it.
Well, who's afraidof Colonel Potter?
1600 hours, he'll beexercising his horse.
[chuckling]
Besides, a man'sgot to be a man,
or he's not a man.
Now, the rule book mayfrown on it, Margaret,
but war is war.
Did you takemy raisin bun?
How you feeling, Billy?
That's a stupid question.You feel lousy.
No, I feel okay.
I mean, the leg hurts,
but it's there.
So I feel pretty good.
Listen, Billy...
You know, I played a whole
quarter against Michigan
with a sprained ankle.
Hurt worse than this.
Listen, Billy, we tried,
but the arterywas just too busted up.
The operation didn't work.
We couldn't save it.
What do you mean?
I feel that leg, Doc.
It's there.
No, that pain you think isin your leg is in your head.
It's called a phantom pain.It's just a leftover.
But it's there.
I'm not gonna listento some phantom pain bull.
Oh, my God.
What did you guys do to me?
We had to, Billy.
You had no right.
You had no right to do it.
Easy, Sergeant.Take it easy.
What's another leg
or arm to you?
Billy, there wasjust too much damage.
We did everything wecould to save your leg.
You didn't do enough.
Listen, I know what
you're going through.
No, you don't.
There's no way you
could possibly know.
You're angry. I'd feelthe same way if I were you.
You're not me.
Don't tell me
how I should feel.
Sergeant,you need your rest.
Why don't you try
to get some sleep?
Why don't you go to hell?
Is it animal, vegetable,or mineral?
B.J.: Yes.
Come on, which one?
Animal.
A cold-blooded animal?
Yes.
Then it's either
a snake or Frank Burns.
Same thing.
You know, I never
get used to it.
I always feel there's somethingmore I should've done.
You did everythingthat was humanly possible.
I know how it'ssupposed to go for them.
Shock, anger, readjustment.
But all we ever see isthe shock and the anger.
Hawk,look what you're doing.
You're punishing yourselfwith guilt.
I think I'm having
an identity crisis.
I know I'm Dr. Pierce,
but I want to be God.
If you ever get the job,don't forget your old friends.
[knock knock]
Excuse me, sirs.
Am I disturbing you, sirs?
No. Come on in, Radar.
You guys mind
if I have a drink?
No, go ahead.
I thought your liverwas still a virgin.
Don't be silly. I'm a man.
[gasping]
And you thought we
enjoyed this stuff.
I thought this stuff
was supposed to make
you feel better.
No. It's supposed tomake you feel nothing.
Maybe I ought to take
some over for Billy.
That's not
what he needs.
I know. But, boy, he was sucha great football player.
What's he supposed to do now?
Hey, Radar, there's more tolife than playing football.
Oh, I know, but gee.
I'd like to go over and
talk to him in the morning,
you know, keep him company.
Why don't you?
I-I just don't know
what to say.
Well, if you find
the right words,
let me know.
I sure could use them.
Yes, sir.
What are you doing here,
pipsqueak?
I'm leaving, sir.
Don't make excuses.
Just get out.
HAWKEYE:Frank, why don't youswallow your face?
He did. That's whyhe looks that way.
What was he doing in here?
Something you wouldn't
understand, Frank.
He was talkingintelligently.
He was talking
about me, wasn't he?
Oh, gee, let me think.
Did Radar use
the word "jerk"?
That rotten fink.
He snitched.
He spilled the beans,
didn't he?
Yeah, he told usall about you.
And I set up that fight
to be top secret.
Well, you did a good jobtill a couple of seconds ago.
If you rat on me,
Klinger and Zale are
gonna get in trouble too.
Why would we rat on you?A fight sounds like fun.
Yeah, I like to
see a couple guys
beat the hell out
of each other.
It makes you
forget the war.
Well, you see? There aresome things we can agree on.
[chuckling]
1600 hours, tomorrow,
near the latrine.
The latrine.A perfect spot.
-I picked the site myself.-HAWKEYE: Figures, Frank.
The body goes
where the mind is.
Klinger, are you keeping fitor having one?
Oh, uh, I missed calisthenicsthis morning, sir.
We don't havecalisthenics.
No wonder I missed them.
Knock it off, Klinger.I know all about the fight.
Where's Zale?
He's working out,
two tents over.
Come with me, Princess.
Does this mean
we're going steady?
You're notexactly my type.
Tell the truth.
It's my big nose, isn't it?
Your nose isn't too big.Your face is too small.
Looks aren't everything,
you know.
Easy for you to say.
[slapping]
Ooh. Ooh.
-Zale? Zale!
-Sir?
What were you just doing?
Oh, I was just
trying to tighten up
the face muscles.
Tight face, loose brains.
How would you like
some loose teeth?
Hold it! Hold it!
You know, you two area couple of real suckers.
What are you talking about?
Whose idea was this fight?
-Wasn't mine.
-Wasn't mine.
Then it had to besomebody with less brains
than the two of
you put together.
Yes, sir.It was Major Burns.
Don't you see what he's doing?
He's getting you twoto punch each other silly
so he can feel
more like a man.
-You really think so?
-Is Eisenhower bald?
Shake hands
and bury the hatchet.
Okay. Put your hand out
and I'll shake it.
Put yours out first.
-After you.
-Baloney!
-You put your hand out.-I don't believe it.
Two guys looking
for a handout.
You afraid I'm
gonna break it?
You couldn't breakan egg with a hammer.
-I'll crack you.
-Well, if you need
any more help,
See you later,
buzzard beak.
If my dog had your face,I'd shave his butt
and teach himto walk backwards.
Come on.
Go take a shower,
Klinger. Cool off.
RADAR: Hawkeye!
Hawk, you gottacome talk to Billy.
-What's the matter? -He wantsout.
What are you talking about?
He's getting out.
No, he wants out-out.He wants to be dead.
He asked for somepills or somethin'.
-[sighing]
-Damn.
-How you doing?
-Not so good.
Word has it you wanna
retire permanently.
You got it, Doc.
They don't make footballuniforms with one leg.
Yeah, you're right.
Once you lose a leg,
nothing works anymore.
Your eyes, your mouth,your hands, your brain.
You might as well
chuck it all.
Don't try to con me.
Playing ball was all I had.
It's the only thing I know.
And without that,
you're nothing.
Listen, I'm not stupid.
I know what you're
trying to do.
You're trying to get meto stand on my own two feet.
Well, I can't do
that anymore.
[sigh]
Maybe you are stupid.
What?
Well, if you think all you
can do is play football,
you have a pretty
narrow view of life.
What were you gonna do
when you turned 40?
I was gonna look back
on a great career.
Well, now you're gonna
have to look forward
to something else.
Like what?
The only thing I knew
how to do was run.
You're still
running, Billy.
Only now you're
running away.
Sergeant, have you
got a minute?
What is it, Corporal?
Uh, I got something
I wanna show you.
It's Lifemagazine.
There's an article in here
on last year's
Iowa-Minnesota game.
Oh, I just got it.
The mail's a little
slow, you know. Look.
There's a picture right hereof you getting tackled.
Yeah, that was in
the first quarter.
Were they wiping us up.
Yeah, I know.
I listened to that gameon Armed Forces Radio.
Boy, what a finish.
I was sitting therescreaming, "Go, Iowa!
"Go, Tyler!Get 'em! Get 'em!"
That was one hell of a game.
Minnesota had us
stopped dead.
What defense.
We couldn't
move up the middle,
we couldn't go wide,
and whenever we
went to the bomb,
-they intercepted.
-Yeah, I know.
Iowa could hardly
move the ball at all.
They had us stopped cold,
down to the lasttwo minutes of the game.
So we went to the short pass,
dumping quick ones
just over the line.
And we slowly movedthe ball down the field.
And then you dove overin the last 20 seconds.
It was those short
passes that did it.
There's always
a way to beat 'em.
You just have to keeptrying till you find it.
All right, where's
the ring announcer?
Here, sir.
Will you hurry up?
You nincompoop!
I'm sorry, sir.
I was never very
good at ropes.
-Make the announcement.-Yes, sir.
[clears throat]
Oh, bell.
[clanging]
In this corner,
wearing olive drab trunks,from Brooklyn,
"Smile when you say that"Sergeant "Killer" Zale.
Hey! Yeah!
[cheers and jeers]
Isn't this exciting,Major?
People fighting,punching each other out?
Of course it isn't.
I think it's barbaric.
And you wouldn't
miss it for the world.
Right.
[clanging]
And in this corner,
wearing pink pedal pushers,a polka-dot blouse,
and a swell cherry hat,
from Toledo, Ohio,
Corporal Max "I'll do anythingto get out" Klinger!
[cheering]
Animals.
Okay, you guys
know the rules.
I want a nice, clean fight.
And if you can't do that,anything goes.
You got that? All right,now back to your corners,
and come out at
the sound of the bell.
Be careful in there.
I'd hate to see a nice outfitlike that get ruined.
Don't worry, Captain.We got it all worked out.
-[clanging]-I think that's for me.
It's not for me.
[spectator chatter]
Aw, why don't they
hit each other?
They're just dancing around.
I think they went
to the Arthur Murray
school of boxing.
Come on, you guys, mix it up!
Throw some punches.
That's an order.
[spectators shout]
Come on, mix it up!
[shouting continues]
Come on, fight,
you bums!
[cheering]
Frank sure knows how
to put on a fight.
It was a knockout.
It just provesthe old adage:
He who lives by the mouthgets punched in it.
How old is that adage?
At least threeor four seconds.
There we go.
Well, so long, Billy.
I'm gonna miss
talking to you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna miss
you too, Walter.
Billy and me call each otherby our first names.
Did you make
any decisions yet?
I decided to goto the short pass.
-Hey.
-How's that?
Oh, I'll explain itto you later.
Oh, by the way, Doc...
I know you did all you could.
Thank you.
Good luck, Billy.
You know something?
I think he's
gonna be okay.
I hope so.
What was that he saidabout the short pass?
It means he's gonna try.
Hey, Captain, what do you saywe go over to Rosie's Bar
and get a drink?
My treat.
Thanks, Radar.
Can you get drunk
on grape Nehi?
-I don't know. Let's find out.-Okay.
-What happened?
-Huh?
What happened?
Of course I'm not happy.
They hit me.
What do you want meto do, Burns,
kiss it and make it better?
I want Corporal Klinger
and Sergeant Zale
court-martialed.
Will that get meout of here, sir?
Out of here
and into the stockade.
One step too far.
If we go to the stockade,we're not going alone.
You wouldn't dare, you freak!
Sticks and stones.
Sir, what happensto officers
-who break regulations?-Several of them.
They get bustedand thrown in the stockade.
It's up to you.
Should we air our dirtylingerie in public, sir?
Uh, let's not.
Colonel, permission
to drop all charges.
Permission granted.Dismissed.
I thought you handled
that very well, sir.
What?
He said you'rean idiot, Major.
-He said what?
-I can't hear you.
[theme music playing]
Hey, kid, get down!
Get down!
Billy, I'm hit!
[grunting, groaning]
I'm coming for you.Just keep your head down.
I'm coming.
[bomb incoming]
Billy? Billy?
Billy?
Billy!
Medic! Medic!
[grunting, groaning]
Hey, how bad is it?
You'll make it.
Come on, I wanna knowhow bad it is.
Okay, let's get him
on the litter!
Take it easy.
You'll be all right.
How about the kid?
He'll be fine.
W-Was he hurt bad?
Iodine and Band-Aids.
Thank God.
You're welcome.
[grunting, groaning]
Hey, watch it.
Go on, kill 'em!
Th-That's it!
Boy.
Fight 'em in there
Go get 'im.
Hey, Klinger,get the big guy.
He's from the 8063rd.
And ruin my hat?
This is fightin', Klinger.You're an American.
But this is Korea. Ooh!
You don't like it here,
why don't you go backwhere you came from?
Why do you think I'm
wearing this dress?
[tires squealing]
Listen, this isa battalion aid station,
not Walter Reed.
I got a sergeant here
who looks pretty bad.
He can't take
an ambulance trip.
Send the chopper now!
He'll need another
shot of morphine
before he wakes
for the ride.
Let up on that tourniquet
every 20 seconds.
Must have cut your leg
on something, huh, Tyler?
Look, Doc, there's nothingmissing on me, is there?
I'm still in one piece, right?
You're fine.
There ain't nothin' gone?
Relax. You're still
in one piece.
Welcome to MASH. The boywill take your luggage.
If you tip him,you may even get it back.
Look at that leg. Yuck!
Don't mind him.
He's a leg man.
Give him a unit ofwhole blood and prep him.
Frank, you ever heard
of patient morale?
I'm a doctor,
not an entertainer.
You had me fooled. Didn'tyou think he was a comic?
He's got everybodyin stitches,
whether they need themor not.
Aw, chowderheads.
That man's a foreigner.
I'm not operating on him.
Believe it or not,this is your lucky day.
[muttering]
Hey, Hawkeye,
you know who thatis over there?
Eleanor Roosevelt?
No, that's Billy Tyler.
-You mean the Billy Tyler?-Yeah.
Incredible.
Who's Billy Tyler?
You know, the All-Americanrunning back from Iowa.
Tied the Big Ten rushingrecord for a single season.
Surefire star for the pros.
Did you swallow
a radio announcer?
Everyone in Iowaknows Billy Tyler.
-Geez, is he hurt bad?
-He ain't hurt good.
Hey, Captain Pierce,
I got anothercasualty here.
That's Kornhaus.
What team does he play for?
He's the cook's assistant.
What happened?
There was a fightin Rosie's Bar.
This war'sgetting dangerous.
What's going on here?
Uh, Frank, this isP.F.C. Kornhaus,
the cook's assistant.
He slippedand cracked his head open
-on some Jell-O.
-Jell-O?
Dr. Pierce, it's timeto wash your hands.
-Oh, is supper ready?
-Must be.
There's a tablewaiting for you in O.R.
Jokes, jokes, jokes.
And you call
yourselves doctors?
-Only when we're sick.-Take care of him, Frank.
Next time you get near
Jell-O, wear your helmet.
[whispering]
Doc...
Before you put me under,
tell me...
what are you gonna do?
Our very best.
Is that gonna be good enough?
We come highlyrecommended.
And besides, we'rethe only game in town.
I want it straight.
How bad am I?
You'll make it, Sergeant.
Will the leg?
We'll do everything we can.
Doc, please.
If you can't save the leg...
don't save me.
Hey, Klinger. You know whereour cook is? He's in pre-op.
Better there
than in the kitchen.
-It's because of you.-I wasn't even in the fight.
I noticed. Afraid to getyour dress wrinkled?
You can't wrinkle this.
It's nylon.
I oughta punch youin the nose.
Your fist isn't big enough.
I can't stand any guy thatwon't fight for his outfit.
I was fighting for my outfit.I didn't want to tear it.
You're a weak-kneed,chickenhearted jellyfish!
You're a fat-necked,
lily-livered blowhard!
-Oh, yeah?
-Come on, guys.
-Yeah!
-Will you listen?
-What?
-What is it?
I'm getting squished.
[gas hissing]
Can you work any faster?
I'm already playing
the "Minute Waltz"
in 30 seconds.
Lousy peripheral pulse.
Can you find
another graft, Hawk?
That vein you're hooking
up to seems awfully narrow.
This is the best onehe's got left.
Do you have enoughfive-oh silk?
I got plenty ofeverything but patient.
I wish I had yoursense of humor, Doctor.
I wish I did too.
Gentlemen and lady,
we have a true hero
with us today.
Sit down, Kornhaus.
A man with true
esprit de corps.
A man who knows what troop
morale really means.
Burns, do me a favor.
Anything, sir.
Stick a handful of
retractors in your mouth.
But, Colonel,
Kornhaus went to bat
for the honor
of the 4077th.
He may be
a little bloody,
but you ought to see
the other guy.
Right, Kornhaus?
Naw, he looks pretty good.
Yeah, I'll bet.
You're okay, Kornhaus.
Well, you're
in good hands.
Just a little
Mercurochrome.
This isn't gonna sting,is it, Doc?
Soldier, it's gonna
hurt me more than you.
Frank's so clumsy,he's probably right.
Colonel, will you tell Piercenot to call me clumsy
in front of Major Houlihan?
It's too late, Burns.She already knows.
Boy, this is tough.
One of the toughest.
This place is a mess.
[chuckles]
Get it? A mess?
I made a joke.[chuckles]
So did your father.
No, I meanit's really a mess.
Why don't youand some of the nurses
-decorate it up a little?-In war, Frank,
decorations belong
on a soldier's chest.
That's true.
Like my fiancé,
Colonel Penobscott--
a soldier's soldier,
a fighter.
Oh, yeah? You wantto see a fighter?
I'll show you a fighter.
-Zale.
-Yes, sir?
-Tell the major
about Rosie's Bar.
-Huh?
You know, how you defendedthe honor of the 4077th
-with your fists.-Ah, I didn't need no fists.
I use these.I'm great at eye gouging.
[chuckles]An eye gouger. An animal.
-And he takes orders from me.
-Uhh.
What are you doin' here, Zale?This is where people eat.
Beat it. I'll give
you 10 seconds.
You can't countthat high.
You sold out your own
buddies, Benedict Arnold.
Excuse me,
Mrs. Benedict Arnold.
I accept your apology.
-Come on, move it.
-Watch it.
I wouldn't wanna get
you mad or nothin'.
Good, 'cause when Iget pushed, I get sore.
-You like mashed potatoes?-Yeah.
Good. Have mine!
Thanks. Here.
Here's some lemon pie!
[shouting]
Make them stop, Frank!
Or are you afraid?
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop it!
Please?
-Ow!
-They won't stop.
MARGARET:
All right, knock it off!
Knock it off!
There's no excuse for thissort of animal behavior,
not even from enlisted.
Major, I'll handle this.
All right, who started it?
-He did!
-He did!
Well, we'll never getto the bottom of this.
Shake hands and forget it.
Wait a second!
Clean that up.
Are you gonna let
them off that easy?
Well, what elsecan I do?
Well, Donald certainly
wouldn't have handled
it that way.
Well, I'm not interestedin how Donald would havehandled it.
How would hehave handled it?
He'd make them
fight it out.
That's exactlywhat I was going to do.
-Really?
-Of course.
All right, now listen,you two bozos.
Tomorrow, 1600 hours,
near the latrine.
You're gonna put on the mitts,
and we're gonna see whothe best man really is.
¿Comprende?Good.
Now, the first man
knocked unconscious
will be the loser.
Dismissed.
Frank, that took
real guts.
It did?Well, of course it did.
Sometimes an officer has
to break regulations.
-What?
-Just make sure
Colonel Potter
doesn't hear about it.
Well, who's afraidof Colonel Potter?
1600 hours, he'll beexercising his horse.
[chuckling]
Besides, a man'sgot to be a man,
or he's not a man.
Now, the rule book mayfrown on it, Margaret,
but war is war.
Did you takemy raisin bun?
How you feeling, Billy?
That's a stupid question.You feel lousy.
No, I feel okay.
I mean, the leg hurts,
but it's there.
So I feel pretty good.
Listen, Billy...
You know, I played a whole
quarter against Michigan
with a sprained ankle.
Hurt worse than this.
Listen, Billy, we tried,
but the arterywas just too busted up.
The operation didn't work.
We couldn't save it.
What do you mean?
I feel that leg, Doc.
It's there.
No, that pain you think isin your leg is in your head.
It's called a phantom pain.It's just a leftover.
But it's there.
I'm not gonna listento some phantom pain bull.
Oh, my God.
What did you guys do to me?
We had to, Billy.
You had no right.
You had no right to do it.
Easy, Sergeant.Take it easy.
What's another leg
or arm to you?
Billy, there wasjust too much damage.
We did everything wecould to save your leg.
You didn't do enough.
Listen, I know what
you're going through.
No, you don't.
There's no way you
could possibly know.
You're angry. I'd feelthe same way if I were you.
You're not me.
Don't tell me
how I should feel.
Sergeant,you need your rest.
Why don't you try
to get some sleep?
Why don't you go to hell?
Is it animal, vegetable,or mineral?
B.J.: Yes.
Come on, which one?
Animal.
A cold-blooded animal?
Yes.
Then it's either
a snake or Frank Burns.
Same thing.
You know, I never
get used to it.
I always feel there's somethingmore I should've done.
You did everythingthat was humanly possible.
I know how it'ssupposed to go for them.
Shock, anger, readjustment.
But all we ever see isthe shock and the anger.
Hawk,look what you're doing.
You're punishing yourselfwith guilt.
I think I'm having
an identity crisis.
I know I'm Dr. Pierce,
but I want to be God.
If you ever get the job,don't forget your old friends.
[knock knock]
Excuse me, sirs.
Am I disturbing you, sirs?
No. Come on in, Radar.
You guys mind
if I have a drink?
No, go ahead.
I thought your liverwas still a virgin.
Don't be silly. I'm a man.
[gasping]
And you thought we
enjoyed this stuff.
I thought this stuff
was supposed to make
you feel better.
No. It's supposed tomake you feel nothing.
Maybe I ought to take
some over for Billy.
That's not
what he needs.
I know. But, boy, he was sucha great football player.
What's he supposed to do now?
Hey, Radar, there's more tolife than playing football.
Oh, I know, but gee.
I'd like to go over and
talk to him in the morning,
you know, keep him company.
Why don't you?
I-I just don't know
what to say.
Well, if you find
the right words,
let me know.
I sure could use them.
Yes, sir.
What are you doing here,
pipsqueak?
I'm leaving, sir.
Don't make excuses.
Just get out.
HAWKEYE:Frank, why don't youswallow your face?
He did. That's whyhe looks that way.
What was he doing in here?
Something you wouldn't
understand, Frank.
He was talkingintelligently.
He was talking
about me, wasn't he?
Oh, gee, let me think.
Did Radar use
the word "jerk"?
That rotten fink.
He snitched.
He spilled the beans,
didn't he?
Yeah, he told usall about you.
And I set up that fight
to be top secret.
Well, you did a good jobtill a couple of seconds ago.
If you rat on me,
Klinger and Zale are
gonna get in trouble too.
Why would we rat on you?A fight sounds like fun.
Yeah, I like to
see a couple guys
beat the hell out
of each other.
It makes you
forget the war.
Well, you see? There aresome things we can agree on.
[chuckling]
1600 hours, tomorrow,
near the latrine.
The latrine.A perfect spot.
-I picked the site myself.-HAWKEYE: Figures, Frank.
The body goes
where the mind is.
Klinger, are you keeping fitor having one?
Oh, uh, I missed calisthenicsthis morning, sir.
We don't havecalisthenics.
No wonder I missed them.
Knock it off, Klinger.I know all about the fight.
Where's Zale?
He's working out,
two tents over.
Come with me, Princess.
Does this mean
we're going steady?
You're notexactly my type.
Tell the truth.
It's my big nose, isn't it?
Your nose isn't too big.Your face is too small.
Looks aren't everything,
you know.
Easy for you to say.
[slapping]
Ooh. Ooh.
-Zale? Zale!
-Sir?
What were you just doing?
Oh, I was just
trying to tighten up
the face muscles.
Tight face, loose brains.
How would you like
some loose teeth?
Hold it! Hold it!
You know, you two area couple of real suckers.
What are you talking about?
Whose idea was this fight?
-Wasn't mine.
-Wasn't mine.
Then it had to besomebody with less brains
than the two of
you put together.
Yes, sir.It was Major Burns.
Don't you see what he's doing?
He's getting you twoto punch each other silly
so he can feel
more like a man.
-You really think so?
-Is Eisenhower bald?
Shake hands
and bury the hatchet.
Okay. Put your hand out
and I'll shake it.
Put yours out first.
-After you.
-Baloney!
-You put your hand out.-I don't believe it.
Two guys looking
for a handout.
You afraid I'm
gonna break it?
You couldn't breakan egg with a hammer.
-I'll crack you.
-Well, if you need
any more help,
See you later,
buzzard beak.
If my dog had your face,I'd shave his butt
and teach himto walk backwards.
Come on.
Go take a shower,
Klinger. Cool off.
RADAR: Hawkeye!
Hawk, you gottacome talk to Billy.
-What's the matter? -He wantsout.
What are you talking about?
He's getting out.
No, he wants out-out.He wants to be dead.
He asked for somepills or somethin'.
-[sighing]
-Damn.
-How you doing?
-Not so good.
Word has it you wanna
retire permanently.
You got it, Doc.
They don't make footballuniforms with one leg.
Yeah, you're right.
Once you lose a leg,
nothing works anymore.
Your eyes, your mouth,your hands, your brain.
You might as well
chuck it all.
Don't try to con me.
Playing ball was all I had.
It's the only thing I know.
And without that,
you're nothing.
Listen, I'm not stupid.
I know what you're
trying to do.
You're trying to get meto stand on my own two feet.
Well, I can't do
that anymore.
[sigh]
Maybe you are stupid.
What?
Well, if you think all you
can do is play football,
you have a pretty
narrow view of life.
What were you gonna do
when you turned 40?
I was gonna look back
on a great career.
Well, now you're gonna
have to look forward
to something else.
Like what?
The only thing I knew
how to do was run.
You're still
running, Billy.
Only now you're
running away.
Sergeant, have you
got a minute?
What is it, Corporal?
Uh, I got something
I wanna show you.
It's Lifemagazine.
There's an article in here
on last year's
Iowa-Minnesota game.
Oh, I just got it.
The mail's a little
slow, you know. Look.
There's a picture right hereof you getting tackled.
Yeah, that was in
the first quarter.
Were they wiping us up.
Yeah, I know.
I listened to that gameon Armed Forces Radio.
Boy, what a finish.
I was sitting therescreaming, "Go, Iowa!
"Go, Tyler!Get 'em! Get 'em!"
That was one hell of a game.
Minnesota had us
stopped dead.
What defense.
We couldn't
move up the middle,
we couldn't go wide,
and whenever we
went to the bomb,
-they intercepted.
-Yeah, I know.
Iowa could hardly
move the ball at all.
They had us stopped cold,
down to the lasttwo minutes of the game.
So we went to the short pass,
dumping quick ones
just over the line.
And we slowly movedthe ball down the field.
And then you dove overin the last 20 seconds.
It was those short
passes that did it.
There's always
a way to beat 'em.
You just have to keeptrying till you find it.
All right, where's
the ring announcer?
Here, sir.
Will you hurry up?
You nincompoop!
I'm sorry, sir.
I was never very
good at ropes.
-Make the announcement.-Yes, sir.
[clears throat]
Oh, bell.
[clanging]
In this corner,
wearing olive drab trunks,from Brooklyn,
"Smile when you say that"Sergeant "Killer" Zale.
Hey! Yeah!
[cheers and jeers]
Isn't this exciting,Major?
People fighting,punching each other out?
Of course it isn't.
I think it's barbaric.
And you wouldn't
miss it for the world.
Right.
[clanging]
And in this corner,
wearing pink pedal pushers,a polka-dot blouse,
and a swell cherry hat,
from Toledo, Ohio,
Corporal Max "I'll do anythingto get out" Klinger!
[cheering]
Animals.
Okay, you guys
know the rules.
I want a nice, clean fight.
And if you can't do that,anything goes.
You got that? All right,now back to your corners,
and come out at
the sound of the bell.
Be careful in there.
I'd hate to see a nice outfitlike that get ruined.
Don't worry, Captain.We got it all worked out.
-[clanging]-I think that's for me.
It's not for me.
[spectator chatter]
Aw, why don't they
hit each other?
They're just dancing around.
I think they went
to the Arthur Murray
school of boxing.
Come on, you guys, mix it up!
Throw some punches.
That's an order.
[spectators shout]
Come on, mix it up!
[shouting continues]
Come on, fight,
you bums!
[cheering]
Frank sure knows how
to put on a fight.
It was a knockout.
It just provesthe old adage:
He who lives by the mouthgets punched in it.
How old is that adage?
At least threeor four seconds.
There we go.
Well, so long, Billy.
I'm gonna miss
talking to you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna miss
you too, Walter.
Billy and me call each otherby our first names.
Did you make
any decisions yet?
I decided to goto the short pass.
-Hey.
-How's that?
Oh, I'll explain itto you later.
Oh, by the way, Doc...
I know you did all you could.
Thank you.
Good luck, Billy.
You know something?
I think he's
gonna be okay.
I hope so.
What was that he saidabout the short pass?
It means he's gonna try.
Hey, Captain, what do you saywe go over to Rosie's Bar
and get a drink?
My treat.
Thanks, Radar.
Can you get drunk
on grape Nehi?
-I don't know. Let's find out.-Okay.
-What happened?
-Huh?
What happened?
Of course I'm not happy.
They hit me.
What do you want meto do, Burns,
kiss it and make it better?
I want Corporal Klinger
and Sergeant Zale
court-martialed.
Will that get meout of here, sir?
Out of here
and into the stockade.
One step too far.
If we go to the stockade,we're not going alone.
You wouldn't dare, you freak!
Sticks and stones.
Sir, what happensto officers
-who break regulations?-Several of them.
They get bustedand thrown in the stockade.
It's up to you.
Should we air our dirtylingerie in public, sir?
Uh, let's not.
Colonel, permission
to drop all charges.
Permission granted.Dismissed.
I thought you handled
that very well, sir.
What?
He said you'rean idiot, Major.
-He said what?
-I can't hear you.
[theme music playing]