M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 12 - Exorcism - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[pan banging,man shouting in Korean]

[crowd muttering]

You tell Mr. Yee
to vamoose.

This is an army
hospital, not Macy's.

Colonel sayMr. Yee gotta go.

Nice translation,
Radar.

Thank you, sir.

[speaking Korean]

-How much for the lighter?-Ask him how much for
the lighter?

[speaking Korean]



Uh, five dollar
for lighter.

Four dollar if
Mr. Yee can stay

for "going out
of business sale."

Make it three dollarsand he can stayfor another hour.

[speaking Korean]

Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Yee.

Come along, Radar.

What the hellis that?

Oh, it's
a spirit post, sir.

Locals put it here to
drive away evil spirits.

Get it off the road.It's blocking traffic.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

You don't put any stock inany of those things, do you?

Uh, no, I...
but, uh...



All right.

[shouting in Korean]

Help that man up there!

I knew it.
I knew it!

Oh, come on, Frank.
That stuff kills
through the nose.

-Tough tiddlywinks.
-What is that poison?

-Eau de swamp gas.
-Watch it! That was
a gift from a friend.

If you're trying to getMargaret to notice you,this won't help.

-Your relationship
already stinks.-Give it to me, you twit!

-[bottle smashes]-Now look what you did.

You cracked my mirror in two.

HAWKEYE: Now you have
one for each face.

You're gonna haveseven years of bad luck.

-Or two weeks in Korea,whichever's worse.
-[helicopter whirring]

Sirs, the P.A. system
conked out.

There's lots
of incoming wounded.

Thanks, Radar. Frank,you're a stark raving birdbrain.

Don't insult mein front of enlisted men,and that's an order.

-Radar, would you mind?-Gladly, sir.

-Frank, you'rea stark raving birdbrain.-That's better.

-That is better.-I like it a lot better.

Frank, my finger'sin the clamp!

Oh, is it?
Sorry.

-Idiot!-Well, nobody's perfect.

That's what I thoughttill I met Donald Penobscott.

Oh, Donald Penobscott,
Donald Penobscott!

I'm sick and tired
of hearing about him.

[light squeaking]

It's about time you
fixed that, wacko.

-I heard that.
-If I had my way,

I'd boot you out
of this man's army.

I like your
thinking, sir.

Three bulbs in one day.

As if things
aren't tough enough.

They say bad luck
comes in threes, sir.

Does that mean
Frank Burns is a triplet?

Oh, jam it in
your Jell-O, Pierce.

I'm getting dark blood here.What's his pressure?

110 over 74.

Much too deep.

Well, it's the gauge.

It's stuck or broken.

How does a gauge break in
the middle of an operation?

Oxygen, quick!

Somebody's wearingenough aftershave at50 cents a bottle

-to put us all under.
-Fifty cents?

Is that all you spent?

I haven't smelledanything like thatsince World War I.

A Parisian house ofinstant happiness,

which I smelled inpassing, of course.

-Ow!
-Give yourselfa Purple Heart, Colonel.

And a purple finger.

We've met before,
haven't we?

You're Corporal...

-Marsh.
-Right.

Des Moines, Iowa.I was hit in the same legtwo months ago.

They have no respect
for my work.

Doc, uh, how's it look?

You're gonna be
just fine, Corporal.

However, I don't thinkyou're gonna wanna stayawake for this.

Nurse.

Hey, is that
Father Mulcahy?

The one and only.

Ah, Corporal Marsh.
Are you here again?

Yeah, and without mySaint Christopher medal.

I must have lost
it somewhere.

Well, I'll
replace it, son.

Shall we?

Knife.

[bulb shattering,
both scream]

A thousand pardons, sir.

You did that on purpose!

I'm confining you
to quarters!

I'm confining you
to quarters, too.

Give me all your
nickels and dimes.

Keep your petticoats
out of my face.

And you keep
your eyes closed.

Screwball.

[cursing in foreign language]

-HAWKEYE: Was that
a curse, Klinger?
-Yes, sir.

It starts the day he
goes home to his wife.

Margaret, you squirted
saline all over me!

I'm sorry.It was an accident.

Yeah, accident,
I'll bet.

My astrologist told meit was a bad year for war.

How do youexplain it, Father?

Bishop O'Hara at the seminaryhad a brilliant explanation

for phenomena
such as these.

He said, "That's the way
the ball bounces."

The man should
be canonized.

Marsh here was canonized,twice in the same leg.

You all knowwhat day this is?

Friday the 13th.

She's right.
And...

Nah, doesn't
mean a thing.

HAWKEYE:Don't say that, Frank.

I once spent
Friday the 13th

in a haunted house
with a friend.

I was never more
frightened in my life.

Did you see a ghost?

No, her husband
materialized out
of nowhere.

My aunt once talked tothe spirit of Sigmund Freud.

That's impossible.

How come he senther a bill?

Somebody down heredoesn't like us.

Some of the nativesthink it's evil spirits.

-The savages.
-Frank, those savages

were printing withmovable type in 1403.

He's right.
I was in 1402,

and the noise kept me
awake all night.

The Koreans practice almostevery religion known to man,

including shamanism.

Shamanism?

The belief that spirits
inhabit trees and houses
and people.

Diddly poo.

That's the spirit, Frank.

[loud crashing]

Jumpin' Jehosaphat!

We gotta be jinxed.

Now, let's stopthe malarkey

about evil spirits,bad luck and jinxes.

That stuff comes rightoff the stable floor.

From now on,nothing will go wrong.

[electricity fizzling]

Except the lights.

Hold it a second.

-How's the leg, Marsh?
-Hey, great, Doc.

-Hey, you seein' me off?-Nope, I'm runnin' you
out of town.

-Don't you show yourface around here again.-I'll try my best.

Your best and
Father Mulcahy's medal
should do it.

I never got that medal.

You didn't?
He forget?

No, no, they'reshipping me out early.

He's in post-op.
You want me to get him?

Don't bother, sir.It can wait tillI'm stateside.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

All right.
Take it easy.

Okay.

-Here's the lighter fluidfor your lighter, Colonel.-No fluid, Radar.

What it needsis lighter fluid.

These things dry up,you know.

It was full when
you bought it.

Well, it's dry now.

And when are theyfixin' the P.A. System?

Probably not till
tomorrow.

The electrician's resting
over at Rosie's Bar.

-Resting?-He was fixing the wires,

and it shot him
through the wall.

Shocking.

[chuckles]

May I, Colonel?

Always a pleasureto see you, Padre.

Sir, the Marsh boy leftbefore I could replace

his St. Christopher medal.

Is there any way
I can get it to him?

-Radar?
-Uh, there's another
ambulance leaving

for the 123rd
at 1400 hours, sir.

The driver could
personally deliver
it in person.

Voilà.

Radar, sometimes I thinkyou deserve a medal.

No, no thank you, Father.
I'm Protestant.

Ah.

About time, Klinger.

I've been moving
my tail, sir.

We've had a rash of
mysterious blowouts.

You got a rash?
Use talcum.

Spirits at workagain, Corporal?

Weird things have been
happening, Father.

Igor hasn't drawn better
than two pair in poker

-since Friday.
-Oh, my.

And I ripped four
nylons in a week.

You're giving
me goose bumps.

A stray bomb comes
from out of nowhere.

Blows up a shipment
of chipped beef.

What do you call that?

A gift from heaven.

-This wards off evil spirits.-A blue bead?

I'm not wearin' it 'cause itgoes well with the organdy...

which it does
like a dream.

POTTER:
That's crazy, Klinger.

I'm not taking any chanceswith the evil eye.

Is there any such thing?

I came from a long lineof short-nosed people.

One day, my grandfather's
camel spit in the eye

of the village witch.

Ever since then, we've been
growin' 'em like this.

Would you twoplease excuse me?

I have a serious technicalproblem to wrestle with.

Yes, sir.
And thank you, sir.

What are you
doing, Radar?

Oh, I'm nailing upa horseshoe, sir.

I can see that.
Who asked you to?

Oh, I won it fromIgor in a poker game.

He says it comeoff a Man o' War.

That shoe came off
Cousin Elmer's plow horse.

Take it down.

-Down, sir?
-Yeah, down.

I never swallowed
that bilge water

about horseshoes
and good luck,

and I'm not
about to start.

On the other hand, it isan attractive ornament.

I kind of figured
you'd kind of figure
it that way, sir.

And, uh, Radar,
the end should point up,

so the luck
doesn't run out.

Hmm.

Stretcher bearers,
on the double!

Uh, let's see
what we got here.

All right. He's not so bad.This one can wait.

This one can't.
He's in shock.

Give me a unit
of whole blood!

Not Corporal Marsh again.

Corporal Flypaper.I can't get him offmy hands.

If only I'd gotten
his medal to him in time.

-What happened?-The old man stepped infront of the ambulance.

I cut to miss him,but hit him anyway.

-Wound up in a ditch.
-Put him down.

-How is he?-He's gonna need surgery.

Well, he's not gonna
get it here, Pierce.

This man's
a whiplash hustler.

Frank, if hedoesn't get help,

he's gonna die beforeyou can bat a whiplash.

-A whiplash hustler?-Yeah, Korea's crawlingwith 'em.

Step in front of
a U.S. Army vehicle,

fake an injury,
and then sue Uncle Sam
for all he's got.

He's right aboutthe fake injury.Look at the fake blood.

He's a hustler.
She's an ambulance chaser.

I'm his granddaughter,
Kyong Ja.

Kyong Ja, tell the majorit wasn't deliberate

before he calls outa firing squad.

But it was deliberate.

-Ha!
-It's true.

Some people pretend
to have accidents,

as the major says.

But others are like
my grandfather.

They believe they are
followed by evil spirits.

Oh, yes, they step infront of moving vehicles

-to scare the spirits away.-Exactly.

They also hope the driverwill understand and stopin time.

Move him into pre-op.

You're not touching
him, Pierce.

-Do you read me?
-Like a comic book.

Shall we?

[speaking Korean]

HAWKEYE:Hey, hey. Calm down.

He's afraid.He wants to leave.

I'm a better surgeon
than I look.

It's the spiritshe fears, not you.

The only spirits around
here are the ones we drink.

At his age, it's uselessto reason with him.

[speaking Korean]

He says, remove him.

If the evil spirits
don't get him,

he'll kill himself.

All right, let's
get him out of here.

You know, if he
doesn't get surgery,
he's gonna die.

I'm afraid itcannot be done.

Unless it's done his way.

What's his way?

The evil spirits must beexorcised from this place.

Well, exercise
is good for you.

We'll send 'em on
a five-mile hike.

You believe inspirits too?

I don't, but he does.

He insists on leaving
and treating himself.

With what, Chinese herbs?

They're his
traditional medicine.

All he's gonna get
out of Chinese herbs

is a bad cup of tea.

And he'll die beforehe can read the leaves.

Could you please do
as he wishes?

-What, exorcise the spirits?-Yes!

Well, I'll try
anything once.

Acetyl, salicylic,phenobarb and arsphenamine.

My God, it worked.

Put a cork in that laugh,
you little twerp.

-I will in a minute, sir.-Now!

Right.

The exorcism would have tobe performed by a priestess.

Once the spiritsare gone,

my grandfatherwill let you operate.

We haven't got
time for that.

She's only a mile away.

I can drive her, sir.

You do that, Radar.

You do that, Radar,
and I'll have your stripes!

You look lousy
in stripes, Frank.

Go ahead, Radar.

Hey, now, just
a minute, bub.

U.S. Regulations
do not allow

for heathen ritualson government property.

Dangerous talk, Frank.

If the spirits
heard you say that,

they'd turn you
into a pumpkin,

-or a dedicated doctor.-Oh, bunko, junko.

-Run along, Radar.
-Permission to
run along denied.

Permission
to deny denied.

You can't do that.
I outrank you.

I have half a mind
to tell the Colonel.

I deny you have
half a mind.

Then I will see
the Colonel.

I'll deny I said
anything.

I'll deny I denied
anything.

Beat it, Radar.

Pierce, you're themost unmilitary man

in this man's army.

Thank you.

First, he brings in
Korean civilians with
unauthorized wounds.

Now he wants to drag in
a pagan priestess

to stir up
the local spooks,

which I don't
even believe in.

These local spooksdon't spook you, do they?

Certainly not.
It's poppycock.

But, uh, why incur the wrathof the man upstairs, hmm?

Who, MacArthur?

I do not intend
to idly stand by

and let Captain Pierce
conduct his exorcism.

Okay, you can conduct.I'll play violin.

Sir, he's joking
about me

and about army
rules and regulations,

-and it isn't funny!
-A comic is only as
good as his material.

It's a little out ofthe ordinary, I grant you.

Colonel, I'd rathernot operate on ahysterical patient.

All I wanna do is putthe old man at ease.

I didn't say no,
Pierce.

Not saying no,
is that saying yes?

Yes. Not saying no
is saying yes.

But what if general staff
should happen to drop in?

What if they saw apriestess exorcising demons?

-What then?-If she knows her stuff,

I may have her exorcisethem off the compound.

Sir, you're not
taking this seriously.

No, I'm not.Why are you?

Frank was once the innocent
victim of possession.

Through some tragic error,

they exorcised the
nice guy and left that.

Sir, you can't gothrough with this!

Can if I want to.

And it's not youI'll apologize to, either.

-It's the good father.
-Why me?

It's not exactly whatthey told you to expect

at chaplain school.

Oh, I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

Not you, Father.

Yes, me, Major.

Why, you spiritual
thrill seeker, you.

Wondrous is man
and mysterious
the ways of God.

And I would have
no one shield my eyes

-from the glory of His works.-What does that mean?

It means there's more thanone way to skin a spirit.

-Did it again.
-He's indestructible.

Not indestructible. Young.

If the young weren't sodamn good at surviving wars,

maybe there
wouldn't be any more.

He's stable. No reasonfor you to be here, Doctor.

I'll hang around a while.

I wanna see his face
when he sees me again.

[sighs]

-Hi.
-Captain Hunnicutt?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

This is getting monotonous,isn't it?

[sighing]
When did I get hit?
I don't remember.

We sent you home.Your ambulance had an accident.

-Oh, I'm back here again?-Mm-hmm.

This is the third time.

One more,you win a solid gold jeep.

-Oh, jeez.
-What?

I'm never gonna get out of here.

Marsh, you have aboutas much chance of dying

as you have
of becoming president.

-Yeah, but three times.-You can only serve twice.

Boy.

-This is sure a lousy habitwe got into.
-I'll tell you what.

After the war, you look me up.For old times' sake,I'll take out your appendix.

-[chuckles] Yeah.
-I'll see you later.

-[chanting]
-[bells Jingling]

-Hey, Radar.
-What?

-What gives?
-Oh. Hawkeye says
she's an exorcist.

She's chasing away demons.

No kidding.
What's she doing here?

She's exorcising.

Getting all the unauthorizedspirits and things

out of the area.

I wonder if she could
exorcise me back to Toledo.

I feel in betterspirits already.

I think my grandfather
does, too.

When will his roombe ready?

She needs more time
before it's safe to enter.

What's the hold up?

That lady over there istrying to evict some spirits.

Doesn't have a ghostof a chance.

I'd like to lend a hand,but I wouldn't know
where to put it.

Doesn't look likeshe needs one.

Heard the overture.
Didn't wanna be late.

-You're early.-The floor show doesn'tstart for five minutes.

We wanted good seats.

Would you like
to order a drink?

-Well--
-Uh, negative.

Five dollar minimum.Why waste it?

Colonel, Pierce's
witch is out there

attracting crowdsand disrupting activity.

-So?
-Shouldn't somebody
do something?

Yes. Book her for
the weekend and we'll
sell tickets.

Colonel, do you knowwhat's going on in pre-op?

You ask the Sol Hurok
of Korea?

He helped arrange
the whole thing.

[chanting, bells jingling]

Hell's bells.

I think I'm about to
have a cardiac arrest.

I'll have one too,on the rocks.

Who invited you,
Corporal Ignerts?

Be glad I'm here, sir.

This may be all that
stands between you

and having your chin
drop off.

Don't you lovewhat she's wearing?

Nah, too pushy.

Well, Father, what's
your critical opinion?

Uh, interesting.

Sort of a cross between
a bishop and a bullfighter.

HAWKEYE:
You having a good time?

[speaking Korean]

He says he wants us all
to come up to his place

for beer and kimchi
after the operation.

[speaking Korean]

Oh, his treat.

Tally-ho.

If you like the dancer,you'll love the surgeon.

That heathen display
was ridiculous.

Did absolutely
no good at all.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.

Hill 205 has been overrun.

Prepare for incoming
casualties.

I thought we lost
the P.A. system.

Oh, I forgot to say.

The P.A. system
is now working again,
for some reason.

-Thank you.-That boy's gonna be awful hard

to live withafter this.

Margaret,that apparatus is defective.

There's nothing
wrong with it.

HAWKEYE:I thought the gauge was stuck.

It's not stuck now.

Hold me.
I'm scared.

Well, there must besome logical explanation.

If there is,
you'll never find it.

I don't follow you.

Look at that.

That?

Why, that's nothing.

Probably never
happen again.

In about a week or so,I'll drop in to see him.

Meantime, make sure he eatsand gets plenty of rest.

Yes, Doctor.

And if he's followedby evil spirits,

tell him not to jumpin front of a car

unless it's parked.

Here, Doctor.
A gift.

Oh, thank you.

Just what I needed.

Not for exorcism.

For decoration.

I'll use it to chaseaway the blues...

or the olive drabs.

Good-bye, Doctor,and thank you.

Good-bye, Kyong Ja.

I don't care if the P.A. systemis in working order.

I want somebodyto check it out, pronto.

Yes, sir.

Good.

Radar, you betterput the spirit post

-back where it was.
-Uh, yes, Colonel.

Um, I already did.

Well, this is it.

You said that before.

But this "this is it"is it.

Yeah, I hope.

-Oh, Father.
-Yeah?

Oh, yes. Here.

May God and a smooth
ride go with you.

Thanks.

-Break a leg.
-Thanks a lot!

[horn honking,
tires screeching]

St. Christophergets all the breaks.

What's the matter, Frank?

This goldarned radiowas working a minute ago.

The evil spirits are back.

-They hate radios.-Try your bells on it, Hawk.

That's a lot of monkey doodle.

Oh, really?

Would you like
to make a little wager?

-Say five bucks?-Oh, let's say ten, huh?

You're on.

-[jingling]
-[grunting]

[laughing]

Excuse me, Major Burns.

Colonel Potter wantsto see you in his officeabout the duty roster.

On my way.
Ten bucks, please.

Wait a minute.Give me a chance, will ya?

It takes a little longer
with a cheap radio.

♪ [radio plays]

Ten bucks.

Lucky stiff.

Wow. That stuff
really works, huh?

It's easy. You just gottashake the bells a few times...

And, uh, put the plug back in.

[theme music playing]