M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Colonel's Horse - full transcript
Colonel Potter goes to Tokyo to have a second honeymoon with his wife. Unfortunately, while he is gone his horse Sophie becomes sick with colic. Radar then asks Hawkeye and BJ to help cure her before Potter comes back. However, Sophie isn't the only one to fall ill as Margaret's appendix begins to flare up and due to her fears that Frank will botch up her surgery she asks Hawkeye to perform it.
[theme music playing]
-HAWKEYE: Scissors.
-MARGARET: Scissors.
-In my hand, not my foot!-Sorry.
Cut this. No, no, no.
-Down here. Not up there!-Sorry.
B.J.: You're fullof sorries today.
I'm sorry.
FRANK: You don't have
to be snotty, doctors.
What can I say, dear,after I've said I'm sorry?
Always a comeback.
All closed. Orderly!
Ha-ha!
I finished first.
And my nurse canbeat up your nurse.
Your nurse could
beat up him.
Oh, my God! there'sa rotten cantaloupein this man's stomach.
B.J.: You're looking
at Frank's rotten head.
Doctors are supposedto be comrades in arms.
Yeah, you wanna tango?
We'll leave the skinand subcu open.
I'll close in five days.
Yes, doctor.
Always put off todaywhat you can do tomorrow.
Frank, when was the lasttime you had your gums bled?
B.J.: Klinger.
Sire? You beckonedthe prince of Toledo?
Post-op, Prince,for some intensive caring.
Ja wohl, Herr Leutnant.
You all right, Major?
Oh, slight twinge.
Indigestion.
-Last night's chicken beaks.-No, she's really sick.
Yeah? Let me see.
You're going to meeta tall, dark stranger
who sells insuranceout of a rumble seat.
Well, that's what I saw!
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
-Hey, what's up, Colonel?-I'm goin' to Tokyo.
-Hey!-No kiddin'! Congratulations!
Mildred gota flight to Japan,
and I got a week's R&R.
How romantic!
A second honeymoon.
Oh, at his age, theydon't romance anymore.
Like hell! How do you think Igot these bags under my eyes?
During my absence,the second in commandwill be in charge.
I strongly resent that!
Unfortunately,
he means you, Frank.
Of course. I knew that.[chuckling]
Command accepted, sir!
Hot dog.
Some people around here
are gonna have to get upon their toes.
I don't think
I'm up to it.
My tutu's in
the cleaners.
Aw, go fry an egg.
Well, I got things to do.
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
Colonel, Burns
isn't fit to command.
No sweat. Radar runs
the outfit anyway.
Yeah, but he
makes crazy rules.
-Chew your food 100 times.-I showed the fink.
I swallowedmy steak whole.
-Colonel!
-Klinger.
When you're in Tokyo,would you ask Mrs. Potter
to see if she can
find this material
at Goldstein's on the Ginza?
-I'll ask.-I'll need three yards.
Make it four.
I'm puttin' in pleats.
Red is okay.
Blue is okay.
But no aquamarine.
-Why not?
-It matches his skin.
Nobody'd know I was there.
Why are you worried aboutBurns being in charge?
You never followorders anyway.
That's not the point.
Burns is an irritant.
Like fingernails
on a blackboard.
Ooh, I hate that sound.
B.J.:
Can't you do something?
Like sit him down,
have a talk with him?
No, like stand him upand have him shot.
Don't be absurd.
There'd be an inquiry.
Hmm.
Hey, I got an idea.You could take him to Tokyo.
Yeah. He can be yourtraveling companion.
-Tote your barge. -Post your
bail.
I can tote my own barge,thank you.
Look, what thisboils down to
is who gets stuckwith Burns.
-Mm-hmm.-Now, if you were in command,
-what would you do?-I'd take him to Tokyo.
That's why you're not
in command. Dismissed.
[groans]
That pain again?
Yes, Major.
Margaret,when you're sick,
can't youcall me Frank?
You know I'm
an engaged person.
Let me probe your abdomen.
-You'll go insane.
-No, I won't.
I'm not an animal.I'm a doctor.
-I can curb my lust.
-Very well.
-Margaret!
-Aah!
-I knew it! I knew it!
-I'm sorry.
It was last night's chili.
I'm afraid I have
a bad appendix.
Let me operate.Please, let me operate.
It isn't necessary.
It isn't a hot appendix.
-It's chronic. -Well, let meremove it.
And I'll put it ina nice mason jar witha little alcohol.
And I'll bring you ice creamwith chocolate sauce
and perhaps evensome Oreo cookies.
-No!
-Margaret, show me
some consideration.
Let me cut you open.
Is she okay, sir?
Sometimes shefavors this hoof.
I'll bet
it's those army shoes.
They ain't army.
They were made bya Korean blacksmith--
Hopalong Wang.
Next time,I shoe her myself.
You know how?
I can put horseshoeson a mosquito.
Gee, sir, is there
anything you can't do?
Yeah. Get ridof this gas.
Last night's chili.
Like eating a volcano.
Give her a good groomingevery other day.
-She likes that.
-Oh, I know, sir.
Once she smiled at me withher nice, big yellow teeth.
Give her plenty of salt,
plenty of water.
I like regular
irrigation.
Hmm, you sound
just like my mom.
She always says,
"Better to hold the phonethan to get a kidney stone."
Wonderful woman.
You'll be in goodhands, sweetheart.
Radar's gonnatake care of you.
You know, Radar, being
away from Mrs. Potter,
this mare's been a blessing.
She knowsyou're leaving, sir.
-Look at her eyes.
-Like Fay Wray.
I don't know her.
King Kong, this big monkey,
carried her to the topof the Empire State Building.
Wow!
I had heard there weresome weirdos in New York.
[knocking]
-Come.
-Colonel...
Oh, turn around
for a second, Major.
Let me get decent.
Something
on your mind?
Sir, request permission
to go to Tokyo
to have
my appendix removed.
-You got a hot one?
-Chronic.
Occasional flare-up.
Oh, well, that cango on for years.
Why remove a mufflerjust 'cause it backfires
-once in a while?
-Well--
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
We have winners of the Abbott and Costello lookalike contest.
-Colonel, the reason I---Hold it. I'm entered in this.
-Sorry.
-The winners are
Corporal Klinger
and prisoner of war
Chang Suk Yin.
Darn it! I knew they'dbring in a ringer.
The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print
clipped from last week'sSaturday Evening Post.
Lucky buggers.Where were we?
-My appendix.
-Oh, yeah.
I can't recommend
elective surgery.
But if she flares up,
we've got a whole
corral of surgeons here.
Oh, Colonel,
Major Burns usually handlesthe simple operations,
and I don't wanthim to touch me.
Oh, now the skunk
is outta the bag.
If my appendixbecomes acute--
-God forbid.
-God forbid.
Can you arrange forDr. Pierce to operate?
-I'll give him the word.-Thank you, sir.
-Keep a firm abdomen.
-[chuckles]
-I'm sorry you lost, sir.-Thank you.
Attention. Corporal Klinger
will accept the Rockwell print by himself.
Chang Suk Yin has escaped.
Radar, so I can readon the plane,
get me that bookby Dr. Hugo Schlecter.
-Schlecter?
-How to Sweat
With Closed Pores.
-Dermatologist.
-Yes, sir.
-Sir.
-Klinger.
[moans]
No pearls? No dress?
How come
you're out of uniform?
I gave up tryin' toget a discharge, sir.
-I'm so depressed.
-Depressed?
You just won
a Norman Rockwell print.
I know, but I'mstill in the dumps.
Buck up, son.
I'll bring back that
material from Tokyo.
You'll make yourself
a beautiful evening gown.
You'll feel
like a new man.
That's what I wantedto tell you, Colonel.
You don't haveto bother.
How about a nice pair
of nylons?
Send your morale
a mile high.
No, thanks anyway.
Found your book, sir.
Hey, Klinger,
congratulations on thecontest, you lucky guy.
Dummy up!
Geez, for a guy who lookslike Abbott and Costello,
he sure has no sense of humor.
I still think
I should've won
that contest.
-Who's on first.
-What?
What's on second.
Ha! Ha.
-Glad I caught you, Colonel.-Yeah, Hawkeye.
I was, uh, helping
Father Mulcahy look
at some pictures.
-He's gotta pick
the Nun of the Week.
-Dedicated man.
Look, on the Ginza,
there's a little
newspaper stand
right across the street
from Goldstein's.
Would you get me this month'sissue of Nudist Frolics,
Naked Health,
and the Bare Back News?
I'll be in uniform.I can't go in there.
-Ask Mrs. Potter.-Okay. She's a good scout.
You really go for thosenudie magazines, don't you?
Just for
the volleyball scores.
Ever go to oneof those skin farms?
Once. Didn't have the nerveto put down my ukulele.
Sir, your planeleaves Kimpo in one hour.
Right. Oh, Hawkeye,I almost forgot.
If, uh, Major Houlihan'sappendix has to come out,
she wants youto do the job.
What about Burns and
his ten magic thumbs?
She put the kibosh on him.
Zorro will
leave his mark.
Take careof the mare, Radar!
Yo!
[knocking]
Go away, Frank!
I told younot to bother me.
Fuller Brush Man.
I have a special today.
A back scratcher in
the form of a naked doctor.
-Did I say come in?-Only part of me is in.
The best part
is still outside.
-What do you want?-I didn't come to see you,
just your appendix.
We can discussmy appendix in the O.R.,
post-op,anyplace but here.
No, it's Wednesday.
I always make
tent calls.
You know, that robe
does something for you.
-It does something for me, too.-Watch it, Doctor.
I'm just a growing boy
with active glands.
When you're in my tent,you'll curb your glands.
Next time I'll leave
'em tied up outside.
Why are suchskillful medical hands
attached to someonelike you?
Sorry, I come as a set.
Potter told me
about your problem.
So, uh, Major, if you'll
just lie down there...
[laughs] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Ah, your lips say
"No, no, no,"
but your appendix says
"Yes, yes, yes."
My appendixdoes not bother me.
When it flares up,I'll call you.
You know,
when you're angry,
you look just
like Victor Mature.
Please leave.
Margaret, a pre-operation
grope is essential.
[sighs]
Well...
And fun.
Uh, no!
Here. Here.
It hurts right here.
Oh! You swine!
Well, you know...
Radar's comin', Sophie.
You're gonna have
a nice brush and rub.
[nickers]
Holy socks!
-B.J.: Ready, doctor?
-HAWKEYE: Ready.
Ha! You now
owe me $3,427.
-You on Diners?
-No credit, Elroy.
-Take a traveler's check?-Sure.
I'll find the traveler.You take his check.
-Ooh!
-Aah! Oh!
Uh, sirs. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Uh, the colonel's
mare is lyin' down.
Her eyes and
her nose are running.
I told you to shovel out
that corral.
Hawk, when a horse is down,it means she's sick.
Look, I come from Maine.
All I've ever done is takea lobster's thermidor.
-Something's wrong!-Probably "mal de mare."
Radar, are you sureshe wasn't just rollingover in the manure?
-As a little pick-me-up?-No, no, she's sick, I know it!
And I promised
to take care of her.
-Come on. Just take a look.-I don't make stable calls.
But this is serious!Colonel Potter
will have me executed
and court-martialed.
Come on, Hawk.Let's take a look.
-I'm not a veterinarian.-You're a veteran.
Close enough for jazz.
Let's go play horsie.
Now, these fellas
are people doctors,
but they know where
you keep everything.
Watch the legs, Hawk.
Yeah, I'll watch the legs.You tell her not to kick me.
-Don't kick him, Sophie.-Thanks.
Ohh.
Hope she knowsI'm a doctor.
Show her your diploma.
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop horsin' around.
-[chuckles]
-You know what I mean.
Try your stethoscope.
Hello, hello.Yeah, it works fine.
On the horse.
-Oh, the big brown thing?-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.
-Anything? Congestion?
I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro.
[whispering]
Oh, for Pete's sakes.
I don't hear a thing.
Maybe the speaker's broken.
Maybe she's not plugged in.
Oh... hell!
-What?
-You heard me!
H-E double toothpicks!
You guys don't care!
Hey, hey, hey.Radar, take it easy.
Sure we care.
Who delivered yourguinea pig's triplets
Manny, Moe and Jack?
Who gave your chickenan aspirin
when it got hysterical?
-You, sir.-Who belted Major Burns
when he wanted to cookyour rabbit for Easter?
Both you sirs.
What you... What youhave to understand, Radar,
is that we just don't knowanything about horses.
Well, she's a mare.
Gender notwithstanding.
Radar, why don't youcall Colonel Potter?
Oh, no, I couldn't do that!He'll kill me!
Hey! My father-in-law's beenin Oklahoma for 50 years.
Once you're in a road company,
it's very hard to
get back to Broadway.
He lives there.
He knows all about horses,cows, pigs, all that stuff.
-What town does he live in?-Quapaw.
Where else? A gas station,a grocery store,
and a fashionablerestaurant called "Eats."
Radar, can you patch througha call to Quapaw, Oklahoma?
I can sure try.
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
Oh, Hawk, take the mare'stemperature.
By law, there should
be a nurse present.
I'll leave the door open.
Would you take off
your coat, please?
Sparky?
Hi. Yeah, it's Radar.
How ya doin'? Good.
Ahem, listen, Sparky, we wantto patch a call through
to, uh, Quapaw, Oklahoma.
No, uh, Quapaw.
Yeah, look, I knowyou're busy, but...
No, it's not a personal call,it's-it's an animal call.
Geez, you don't haveto shout my head off!
Our C.O.'s mare is sick.
-Make him a deal.
-Like what?
Um, try some
aftershave lotion.
No, uh, it irritateshis pimples.
Think Captain Piercewould part with someof his nudist magazines?
Sacrilege.
Uh, try, uh, a movie.
Oh, hey, Sparky.
Uh, listen,how'd you like a movie?
No, it's not a V.D. movie.It's a real movie.
We got a Rita Hayworthpicture. Gilda.
Huh? No, uh, no Indians,
but a lot of hugging,kissing, and other violence.
Okay.
Yeah, terrific. We'll hang on.
Hey, he's goingthrough to Honolulu.
-Great.
-[door opens]
What's her temperature?
I dropped the thermometer
in the corral.
The temperature of
the manure is 62 degrees.
What? Sparky?
Yeah? Good!
He's throughto Honolulu.
Love the booze,
hate the music.
Yeah?
Okay! He's got Seattle.
Hey, it's yesterday there.
-It's today here.-It's always today here.
Oh, yeah?
What about tomorrow?
-Good point.-I wasn't born yesterday.
Yeah, Sparky.
Oklahoma City, right.
Uh, yeah. What's the nameof your father-in-law?
Floyd Hayden.
-Come on.
-No, really.
You got Quapaw.
Good. Okay, look,
we're looking for
a Mr. Floyd Hayden--
H-A-Y-D-E-N.
♪ M-O-U-S-E
Ah, okay, it's ringing.
Oh, it's ringing!
Hello, hello?Oh, it's still ringing.
-Pa! Hi, it's B.J.
-Got him.
No. No, I'm not
at the bus station.
I'm still in Korea.
No, we're not stillfighting the Germans, Pa.
That was your war. Huh?
Yeah, I get a letter
from Peg every day.
-Come on, come on, come on.-The horse.
Wha... Oh, look, Pa,I can't hang on too long.
We need your help.Gimme a pencil and paper.
We got a sick horse here.
Yeah, a mare.
She's down.
Just a minute.
What's her heart rate?
-Fifty.
-Fifty. Uh-huh.
-Too fast.
-Well, look, uh...
-Could it be emotional?-Could be.
Colonel Potter hasn't
taken her out for a week.
Uh, h-hold
on a minute, Floyd.
Any growling
in her stomach?
-Silencio.
-Not a sound.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! Okay.
Right.
All right, thanks, Pa.
Listen, you take
care of yourself now.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
-Oh, do me a favor, will you?-Oh, there's more.
Call Peg and tell her
everything's fine.
Except the horse, right.
-Except the horse.
-Thanks.
-Oh, what?
-What? What? What?
-What?
-Too much dry grass
and not enough water.
She's got colic.
Oh, that's serious!
Floyd says it could kill her.
-Colic?-Intestines are blocked.
We gotta keep her on her feet
so they won't twist.
And...
we gotta clean her out.
Lots and lots of warm water.
I think I'll stroll
up to the front
to see how
the shooting's going.
Hook this to
the spigot up there.
It looks awful high.
You want the other end?
It's not so high.
-Upsy-daisy.
-I love you, Daddy.
My word. What's
all the excitement
about, Hawkeye?
Colonel Potter's
horse is congested.
We're trying
to help her out.
-You're a good Christian.-Hallelujah.
Oh, I mean that
sincerely, Hawkeye.
Sophie's one of
God's creatures, too.
Sometimes we all
need a helping hand.
Hey, Hawkeye, she's tryingto lay down again!
Walk her around!
Keep her moving!
The voice from above.
Easy, sweetheart.
It's not gonna hurt.
[clicks tongue] Come on.
In Atlantic City,this'd cost you $7.50.
Is it serious? Do you
want me to pray?
You got a horse
prayer, Father?
I did one for a Great Dane
with peritonitis.
-Pray taller.
-So be it.
-Keep her movin', Radar.-Yo.
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Start the warm water.
[water splashes]
Take your loved onesand move to higher ground.
Is it warm enough?
Just right.
I know just how
you feel, honey.
I once chewed
a whole pack of gum
-with a bag of potato chips.-Ready?
I am, but the mare's
a little tense.
Help's on the way.
-Stand by.
-Stand by!
Stand by!
Standing by!
Standing by!
Standing by.
Stand by.
HAWKEYE:Turn it on!
Turn it on!
Turn it on!
Here she comes!
Here she comes!
Here she comes.
Oi.
How's it goin'?
How's it going?
Terrific.
HAWKEYE:Hold the water!
Hold the water!
Hold the water!
Holding!
[horse neighs]
-[cheering, applause]
-Hey! All right!
Yeah, Sparky, the horseis doing just fine.
Hey, how was
that movie we sent ya?
It wasn't Gilda?
Ah, gee,
it said so on the box.
Ecstasywith Hedy Lamarr?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Sparky.I hope you're not mad.
She what?
Naked?
With no clothes on?
Through the woods?
Well, when are you gonnasend the film back?
Well, when will you guysbe finished watching it?
-What do you mean next year?-[horn honking]
Hey, listen, Colonel Potter'scoming in now.
But I want that film back.
[horn honking]
-Hiya, Radar.
-Welcome home,
Colonel Potter, sir.
How's Mrs. Potter?
Bought herself
a 10-speed bicycle.
Gee, she's really swell.
Get my bags to my tent
and unpack 'em right
away, will ya, Radar?
I've got some damp
shorts in there.
-Wouldn't want 'em mildewed.-Don't want 'em to mildew.
-How's everything?
-Oh, just fine, sir.
-How's the mare?
-Clean as a whistle,
inside and out.
-Good!
-Uh-huh.
-Klinger.
-Present.
Radar didn't tell meyou were in here.
I'm not speaking to anybody.
What the hellare you doing on my desk?
Depressed. 110%.
This is it? Nonfunctioning?
The end of life's highway.
What a shame.
Well, what can I do?
I'll arrange a discharge.
What was that, sir?
Severe depression
is a ticket home.
I'll be packed in an hour!
I'm free! I'm free!
Laverne, here I come!
Romancin' and dancin'!
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
♪ I'm puttin' on
my white tie ♪
♪ I'm puttin' on my tails
♪ [vocalizing]
Just blew it, didn't I?
Yep.
Now I'm really depressed.
Buck up, soldier. I gotthe material for your dress.
-The blue or the red?
-The red.
Hot damn.
-Klinger!
-Sir.
Like to see you dothat Top Hatnumber
for the wounded.
In the red dress?
You'll kill 'em.
You're right.
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
Colonel, that man's a lunatic.
Yeah, but light on his feet.
What is it, Burns?I'm exhausted.
Well, sir,
while you were gone,
Pierce committed
six major infractions
of military
regulations.
What were they?
Number one, in the
Mess Tent yesterday,
he made a face at me.
-He did?
-Yes, sir.
He crossed his eyes
and stuck out his tongue.
Like this.
I don't have to hear
the other five.
I'll takethe appropriate action.
Good. Sir,
what are you gonna do?
I'm going to sleep.
Case dismissed.
Yes, sir.
[breathing heavily]
Hawkeye.
-Hawkeye.
-Huh? Hmm?
Pulse is rapid,
temperature's up.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm ready. Your tentor my father's Chevy?
-[sighs] My appendix.
-Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, isn't it funny howthey always seem to arrive
at 3:00 in the morning?
Hey!
Hey! What? What?
-Appendix.
-Never heard of him.
Come on. Margaret's gottahave her appendix out,
and I need a gas passer.
Okay, okay.
Send me in, coach.
-Oh, my God, it hurts.
-Okay. Come on.
Oh! I'm sorryI had to wake you.
Forget it. I've been
asleep for 15 minutes.
-You ready, Beej?
-Ready when you are.
Kellye, remember
Dr. Pierce prefers to workwith curved blades.
Yes, ma'am.
And separate your largefrom your small needles.
Houlihan, don't kibitz.
You're the patient.
Funny how these
things always happen
in the wee hours
of the morning.
Why wasn't I called?
Mask!
Well, I should bedoing this surgery!
I know Major Houlihan'sappendix better than
any of you!
Burns,
she asked for Pierce.
I don't believe it!
Great deal of
conflict here.
You said it, brother--
uh, Father.
Frank, she doesn't
want you here.
I'm not leaving till Ihear it from her own lips.
Listen to these lips, Frank.
Get out!
She's delirious.
Out!
I hope you havea big scar!
Can we get on with this?
I gotta get up in
an hour and go to work.
All right,Margaret, relax.
Take a nice, deep breath.
I'm supposed to say that.
Shut up, Margaret.
Now let's have some fun.
It's important to get on yourfeet the second or third day.
Thanks for doing
such a wonderful job.
I'll throw in a guarantee.
Every thousand miles,I'll probe your chassis.
Oh.
The important thing
after an experience
like this, my dear,
is to keep moving.
Atta girl. You know,
you could've wound up
with a knot in your intestine.
[whinnies]
Did you say something?
[theme music playing]
-HAWKEYE: Scissors.
-MARGARET: Scissors.
-In my hand, not my foot!-Sorry.
Cut this. No, no, no.
-Down here. Not up there!-Sorry.
B.J.: You're fullof sorries today.
I'm sorry.
FRANK: You don't have
to be snotty, doctors.
What can I say, dear,after I've said I'm sorry?
Always a comeback.
All closed. Orderly!
Ha-ha!
I finished first.
And my nurse canbeat up your nurse.
Your nurse could
beat up him.
Oh, my God! there'sa rotten cantaloupein this man's stomach.
B.J.: You're looking
at Frank's rotten head.
Doctors are supposedto be comrades in arms.
Yeah, you wanna tango?
We'll leave the skinand subcu open.
I'll close in five days.
Yes, doctor.
Always put off todaywhat you can do tomorrow.
Frank, when was the lasttime you had your gums bled?
B.J.: Klinger.
Sire? You beckonedthe prince of Toledo?
Post-op, Prince,for some intensive caring.
Ja wohl, Herr Leutnant.
You all right, Major?
Oh, slight twinge.
Indigestion.
-Last night's chicken beaks.-No, she's really sick.
Yeah? Let me see.
You're going to meeta tall, dark stranger
who sells insuranceout of a rumble seat.
Well, that's what I saw!
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
-Hey, what's up, Colonel?-I'm goin' to Tokyo.
-Hey!-No kiddin'! Congratulations!
Mildred gota flight to Japan,
and I got a week's R&R.
How romantic!
A second honeymoon.
Oh, at his age, theydon't romance anymore.
Like hell! How do you think Igot these bags under my eyes?
During my absence,the second in commandwill be in charge.
I strongly resent that!
Unfortunately,
he means you, Frank.
Of course. I knew that.[chuckling]
Command accepted, sir!
Hot dog.
Some people around here
are gonna have to get upon their toes.
I don't think
I'm up to it.
My tutu's in
the cleaners.
Aw, go fry an egg.
Well, I got things to do.
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
Colonel, Burns
isn't fit to command.
No sweat. Radar runs
the outfit anyway.
Yeah, but he
makes crazy rules.
-Chew your food 100 times.-I showed the fink.
I swallowedmy steak whole.
-Colonel!
-Klinger.
When you're in Tokyo,would you ask Mrs. Potter
to see if she can
find this material
at Goldstein's on the Ginza?
-I'll ask.-I'll need three yards.
Make it four.
I'm puttin' in pleats.
Red is okay.
Blue is okay.
But no aquamarine.
-Why not?
-It matches his skin.
Nobody'd know I was there.
Why are you worried aboutBurns being in charge?
You never followorders anyway.
That's not the point.
Burns is an irritant.
Like fingernails
on a blackboard.
Ooh, I hate that sound.
B.J.:
Can't you do something?
Like sit him down,
have a talk with him?
No, like stand him upand have him shot.
Don't be absurd.
There'd be an inquiry.
Hmm.
Hey, I got an idea.You could take him to Tokyo.
Yeah. He can be yourtraveling companion.
-Tote your barge. -Post your
bail.
I can tote my own barge,thank you.
Look, what thisboils down to
is who gets stuckwith Burns.
-Mm-hmm.-Now, if you were in command,
-what would you do?-I'd take him to Tokyo.
That's why you're not
in command. Dismissed.
[groans]
That pain again?
Yes, Major.
Margaret,when you're sick,
can't youcall me Frank?
You know I'm
an engaged person.
Let me probe your abdomen.
-You'll go insane.
-No, I won't.
I'm not an animal.I'm a doctor.
-I can curb my lust.
-Very well.
-Margaret!
-Aah!
-I knew it! I knew it!
-I'm sorry.
It was last night's chili.
I'm afraid I have
a bad appendix.
Let me operate.Please, let me operate.
It isn't necessary.
It isn't a hot appendix.
-It's chronic. -Well, let meremove it.
And I'll put it ina nice mason jar witha little alcohol.
And I'll bring you ice creamwith chocolate sauce
and perhaps evensome Oreo cookies.
-No!
-Margaret, show me
some consideration.
Let me cut you open.
Is she okay, sir?
Sometimes shefavors this hoof.
I'll bet
it's those army shoes.
They ain't army.
They were made bya Korean blacksmith--
Hopalong Wang.
Next time,I shoe her myself.
You know how?
I can put horseshoeson a mosquito.
Gee, sir, is there
anything you can't do?
Yeah. Get ridof this gas.
Last night's chili.
Like eating a volcano.
Give her a good groomingevery other day.
-She likes that.
-Oh, I know, sir.
Once she smiled at me withher nice, big yellow teeth.
Give her plenty of salt,
plenty of water.
I like regular
irrigation.
Hmm, you sound
just like my mom.
She always says,
"Better to hold the phonethan to get a kidney stone."
Wonderful woman.
You'll be in goodhands, sweetheart.
Radar's gonnatake care of you.
You know, Radar, being
away from Mrs. Potter,
this mare's been a blessing.
She knowsyou're leaving, sir.
-Look at her eyes.
-Like Fay Wray.
I don't know her.
King Kong, this big monkey,
carried her to the topof the Empire State Building.
Wow!
I had heard there weresome weirdos in New York.
[knocking]
-Come.
-Colonel...
Oh, turn around
for a second, Major.
Let me get decent.
Something
on your mind?
Sir, request permission
to go to Tokyo
to have
my appendix removed.
-You got a hot one?
-Chronic.
Occasional flare-up.
Oh, well, that cango on for years.
Why remove a mufflerjust 'cause it backfires
-once in a while?
-Well--
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
We have winners of the Abbott and Costello lookalike contest.
-Colonel, the reason I---Hold it. I'm entered in this.
-Sorry.
-The winners are
Corporal Klinger
and prisoner of war
Chang Suk Yin.
Darn it! I knew they'dbring in a ringer.
The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print
clipped from last week'sSaturday Evening Post.
Lucky buggers.Where were we?
-My appendix.
-Oh, yeah.
I can't recommend
elective surgery.
But if she flares up,
we've got a whole
corral of surgeons here.
Oh, Colonel,
Major Burns usually handlesthe simple operations,
and I don't wanthim to touch me.
Oh, now the skunk
is outta the bag.
If my appendixbecomes acute--
-God forbid.
-God forbid.
Can you arrange forDr. Pierce to operate?
-I'll give him the word.-Thank you, sir.
-Keep a firm abdomen.
-[chuckles]
-I'm sorry you lost, sir.-Thank you.
Attention. Corporal Klinger
will accept the Rockwell print by himself.
Chang Suk Yin has escaped.
Radar, so I can readon the plane,
get me that bookby Dr. Hugo Schlecter.
-Schlecter?
-How to Sweat
With Closed Pores.
-Dermatologist.
-Yes, sir.
-Sir.
-Klinger.
[moans]
No pearls? No dress?
How come
you're out of uniform?
I gave up tryin' toget a discharge, sir.
-I'm so depressed.
-Depressed?
You just won
a Norman Rockwell print.
I know, but I'mstill in the dumps.
Buck up, son.
I'll bring back that
material from Tokyo.
You'll make yourself
a beautiful evening gown.
You'll feel
like a new man.
That's what I wantedto tell you, Colonel.
You don't haveto bother.
How about a nice pair
of nylons?
Send your morale
a mile high.
No, thanks anyway.
Found your book, sir.
Hey, Klinger,
congratulations on thecontest, you lucky guy.
Dummy up!
Geez, for a guy who lookslike Abbott and Costello,
he sure has no sense of humor.
I still think
I should've won
that contest.
-Who's on first.
-What?
What's on second.
Ha! Ha.
-Glad I caught you, Colonel.-Yeah, Hawkeye.
I was, uh, helping
Father Mulcahy look
at some pictures.
-He's gotta pick
the Nun of the Week.
-Dedicated man.
Look, on the Ginza,
there's a little
newspaper stand
right across the street
from Goldstein's.
Would you get me this month'sissue of Nudist Frolics,
Naked Health,
and the Bare Back News?
I'll be in uniform.I can't go in there.
-Ask Mrs. Potter.-Okay. She's a good scout.
You really go for thosenudie magazines, don't you?
Just for
the volleyball scores.
Ever go to oneof those skin farms?
Once. Didn't have the nerveto put down my ukulele.
Sir, your planeleaves Kimpo in one hour.
Right. Oh, Hawkeye,I almost forgot.
If, uh, Major Houlihan'sappendix has to come out,
she wants youto do the job.
What about Burns and
his ten magic thumbs?
She put the kibosh on him.
Zorro will
leave his mark.
Take careof the mare, Radar!
Yo!
[knocking]
Go away, Frank!
I told younot to bother me.
Fuller Brush Man.
I have a special today.
A back scratcher in
the form of a naked doctor.
-Did I say come in?-Only part of me is in.
The best part
is still outside.
-What do you want?-I didn't come to see you,
just your appendix.
We can discussmy appendix in the O.R.,
post-op,anyplace but here.
No, it's Wednesday.
I always make
tent calls.
You know, that robe
does something for you.
-It does something for me, too.-Watch it, Doctor.
I'm just a growing boy
with active glands.
When you're in my tent,you'll curb your glands.
Next time I'll leave
'em tied up outside.
Why are suchskillful medical hands
attached to someonelike you?
Sorry, I come as a set.
Potter told me
about your problem.
So, uh, Major, if you'll
just lie down there...
[laughs] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Ah, your lips say
"No, no, no,"
but your appendix says
"Yes, yes, yes."
My appendixdoes not bother me.
When it flares up,I'll call you.
You know,
when you're angry,
you look just
like Victor Mature.
Please leave.
Margaret, a pre-operation
grope is essential.
[sighs]
Well...
And fun.
Uh, no!
Here. Here.
It hurts right here.
Oh! You swine!
Well, you know...
Radar's comin', Sophie.
You're gonna have
a nice brush and rub.
[nickers]
Holy socks!
-B.J.: Ready, doctor?
-HAWKEYE: Ready.
Ha! You now
owe me $3,427.
-You on Diners?
-No credit, Elroy.
-Take a traveler's check?-Sure.
I'll find the traveler.You take his check.
-Ooh!
-Aah! Oh!
Uh, sirs. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Uh, the colonel's
mare is lyin' down.
Her eyes and
her nose are running.
I told you to shovel out
that corral.
Hawk, when a horse is down,it means she's sick.
Look, I come from Maine.
All I've ever done is takea lobster's thermidor.
-Something's wrong!-Probably "mal de mare."
Radar, are you sureshe wasn't just rollingover in the manure?
-As a little pick-me-up?-No, no, she's sick, I know it!
And I promised
to take care of her.
-Come on. Just take a look.-I don't make stable calls.
But this is serious!Colonel Potter
will have me executed
and court-martialed.
Come on, Hawk.Let's take a look.
-I'm not a veterinarian.-You're a veteran.
Close enough for jazz.
Let's go play horsie.
Now, these fellas
are people doctors,
but they know where
you keep everything.
Watch the legs, Hawk.
Yeah, I'll watch the legs.You tell her not to kick me.
-Don't kick him, Sophie.-Thanks.
Ohh.
Hope she knowsI'm a doctor.
Show her your diploma.
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop horsin' around.
-[chuckles]
-You know what I mean.
Try your stethoscope.
Hello, hello.Yeah, it works fine.
On the horse.
-Oh, the big brown thing?-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.
-Anything? Congestion?
I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro.
[whispering]
Oh, for Pete's sakes.
I don't hear a thing.
Maybe the speaker's broken.
Maybe she's not plugged in.
Oh... hell!
-What?
-You heard me!
H-E double toothpicks!
You guys don't care!
Hey, hey, hey.Radar, take it easy.
Sure we care.
Who delivered yourguinea pig's triplets
Manny, Moe and Jack?
Who gave your chickenan aspirin
when it got hysterical?
-You, sir.-Who belted Major Burns
when he wanted to cookyour rabbit for Easter?
Both you sirs.
What you... What youhave to understand, Radar,
is that we just don't knowanything about horses.
Well, she's a mare.
Gender notwithstanding.
Radar, why don't youcall Colonel Potter?
Oh, no, I couldn't do that!He'll kill me!
Hey! My father-in-law's beenin Oklahoma for 50 years.
Once you're in a road company,
it's very hard to
get back to Broadway.
He lives there.
He knows all about horses,cows, pigs, all that stuff.
-What town does he live in?-Quapaw.
Where else? A gas station,a grocery store,
and a fashionablerestaurant called "Eats."
Radar, can you patch througha call to Quapaw, Oklahoma?
I can sure try.
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
Oh, Hawk, take the mare'stemperature.
By law, there should
be a nurse present.
I'll leave the door open.
Would you take off
your coat, please?
Sparky?
Hi. Yeah, it's Radar.
How ya doin'? Good.
Ahem, listen, Sparky, we wantto patch a call through
to, uh, Quapaw, Oklahoma.
No, uh, Quapaw.
Yeah, look, I knowyou're busy, but...
No, it's not a personal call,it's-it's an animal call.
Geez, you don't haveto shout my head off!
Our C.O.'s mare is sick.
-Make him a deal.
-Like what?
Um, try some
aftershave lotion.
No, uh, it irritateshis pimples.
Think Captain Piercewould part with someof his nudist magazines?
Sacrilege.
Uh, try, uh, a movie.
Oh, hey, Sparky.
Uh, listen,how'd you like a movie?
No, it's not a V.D. movie.It's a real movie.
We got a Rita Hayworthpicture. Gilda.
Huh? No, uh, no Indians,
but a lot of hugging,kissing, and other violence.
Okay.
Yeah, terrific. We'll hang on.
Hey, he's goingthrough to Honolulu.
-Great.
-[door opens]
What's her temperature?
I dropped the thermometer
in the corral.
The temperature of
the manure is 62 degrees.
What? Sparky?
Yeah? Good!
He's throughto Honolulu.
Love the booze,
hate the music.
Yeah?
Okay! He's got Seattle.
Hey, it's yesterday there.
-It's today here.-It's always today here.
Oh, yeah?
What about tomorrow?
-Good point.-I wasn't born yesterday.
Yeah, Sparky.
Oklahoma City, right.
Uh, yeah. What's the nameof your father-in-law?
Floyd Hayden.
-Come on.
-No, really.
You got Quapaw.
Good. Okay, look,
we're looking for
a Mr. Floyd Hayden--
H-A-Y-D-E-N.
♪ M-O-U-S-E
Ah, okay, it's ringing.
Oh, it's ringing!
Hello, hello?Oh, it's still ringing.
-Pa! Hi, it's B.J.
-Got him.
No. No, I'm not
at the bus station.
I'm still in Korea.
No, we're not stillfighting the Germans, Pa.
That was your war. Huh?
Yeah, I get a letter
from Peg every day.
-Come on, come on, come on.-The horse.
Wha... Oh, look, Pa,I can't hang on too long.
We need your help.Gimme a pencil and paper.
We got a sick horse here.
Yeah, a mare.
She's down.
Just a minute.
What's her heart rate?
-Fifty.
-Fifty. Uh-huh.
-Too fast.
-Well, look, uh...
-Could it be emotional?-Could be.
Colonel Potter hasn't
taken her out for a week.
Uh, h-hold
on a minute, Floyd.
Any growling
in her stomach?
-Silencio.
-Not a sound.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! Okay.
Right.
All right, thanks, Pa.
Listen, you take
care of yourself now.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
-Oh, do me a favor, will you?-Oh, there's more.
Call Peg and tell her
everything's fine.
Except the horse, right.
-Except the horse.
-Thanks.
-Oh, what?
-What? What? What?
-What?
-Too much dry grass
and not enough water.
She's got colic.
Oh, that's serious!
Floyd says it could kill her.
-Colic?-Intestines are blocked.
We gotta keep her on her feet
so they won't twist.
And...
we gotta clean her out.
Lots and lots of warm water.
I think I'll stroll
up to the front
to see how
the shooting's going.
Hook this to
the spigot up there.
It looks awful high.
You want the other end?
It's not so high.
-Upsy-daisy.
-I love you, Daddy.
My word. What's
all the excitement
about, Hawkeye?
Colonel Potter's
horse is congested.
We're trying
to help her out.
-You're a good Christian.-Hallelujah.
Oh, I mean that
sincerely, Hawkeye.
Sophie's one of
God's creatures, too.
Sometimes we all
need a helping hand.
Hey, Hawkeye, she's tryingto lay down again!
Walk her around!
Keep her moving!
The voice from above.
Easy, sweetheart.
It's not gonna hurt.
[clicks tongue] Come on.
In Atlantic City,this'd cost you $7.50.
Is it serious? Do you
want me to pray?
You got a horse
prayer, Father?
I did one for a Great Dane
with peritonitis.
-Pray taller.
-So be it.
-Keep her movin', Radar.-Yo.
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Start the warm water.
[water splashes]
Take your loved onesand move to higher ground.
Is it warm enough?
Just right.
I know just how
you feel, honey.
I once chewed
a whole pack of gum
-with a bag of potato chips.-Ready?
I am, but the mare's
a little tense.
Help's on the way.
-Stand by.
-Stand by!
Stand by!
Standing by!
Standing by!
Standing by.
Stand by.
HAWKEYE:Turn it on!
Turn it on!
Turn it on!
Here she comes!
Here she comes!
Here she comes.
Oi.
How's it goin'?
How's it going?
Terrific.
HAWKEYE:Hold the water!
Hold the water!
Hold the water!
Holding!
[horse neighs]
-[cheering, applause]
-Hey! All right!
Yeah, Sparky, the horseis doing just fine.
Hey, how was
that movie we sent ya?
It wasn't Gilda?
Ah, gee,
it said so on the box.
Ecstasywith Hedy Lamarr?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Sparky.I hope you're not mad.
She what?
Naked?
With no clothes on?
Through the woods?
Well, when are you gonnasend the film back?
Well, when will you guysbe finished watching it?
-What do you mean next year?-[horn honking]
Hey, listen, Colonel Potter'scoming in now.
But I want that film back.
[horn honking]
-Hiya, Radar.
-Welcome home,
Colonel Potter, sir.
How's Mrs. Potter?
Bought herself
a 10-speed bicycle.
Gee, she's really swell.
Get my bags to my tent
and unpack 'em right
away, will ya, Radar?
I've got some damp
shorts in there.
-Wouldn't want 'em mildewed.-Don't want 'em to mildew.
-How's everything?
-Oh, just fine, sir.
-How's the mare?
-Clean as a whistle,
inside and out.
-Good!
-Uh-huh.
-Klinger.
-Present.
Radar didn't tell meyou were in here.
I'm not speaking to anybody.
What the hellare you doing on my desk?
Depressed. 110%.
This is it? Nonfunctioning?
The end of life's highway.
What a shame.
Well, what can I do?
I'll arrange a discharge.
What was that, sir?
Severe depression
is a ticket home.
I'll be packed in an hour!
I'm free! I'm free!
Laverne, here I come!
Romancin' and dancin'!
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
♪ I'm puttin' on
my white tie ♪
♪ I'm puttin' on my tails
♪ [vocalizing]
Just blew it, didn't I?
Yep.
Now I'm really depressed.
Buck up, soldier. I gotthe material for your dress.
-The blue or the red?
-The red.
Hot damn.
-Klinger!
-Sir.
Like to see you dothat Top Hatnumber
for the wounded.
In the red dress?
You'll kill 'em.
You're right.
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
Colonel, that man's a lunatic.
Yeah, but light on his feet.
What is it, Burns?I'm exhausted.
Well, sir,
while you were gone,
Pierce committed
six major infractions
of military
regulations.
What were they?
Number one, in the
Mess Tent yesterday,
he made a face at me.
-He did?
-Yes, sir.
He crossed his eyes
and stuck out his tongue.
Like this.
I don't have to hear
the other five.
I'll takethe appropriate action.
Good. Sir,
what are you gonna do?
I'm going to sleep.
Case dismissed.
Yes, sir.
[breathing heavily]
Hawkeye.
-Hawkeye.
-Huh? Hmm?
Pulse is rapid,
temperature's up.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm ready. Your tentor my father's Chevy?
-[sighs] My appendix.
-Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, isn't it funny howthey always seem to arrive
at 3:00 in the morning?
Hey!
Hey! What? What?
-Appendix.
-Never heard of him.
Come on. Margaret's gottahave her appendix out,
and I need a gas passer.
Okay, okay.
Send me in, coach.
-Oh, my God, it hurts.
-Okay. Come on.
Oh! I'm sorryI had to wake you.
Forget it. I've been
asleep for 15 minutes.
-You ready, Beej?
-Ready when you are.
Kellye, remember
Dr. Pierce prefers to workwith curved blades.
Yes, ma'am.
And separate your largefrom your small needles.
Houlihan, don't kibitz.
You're the patient.
Funny how these
things always happen
in the wee hours
of the morning.
Why wasn't I called?
Mask!
Well, I should bedoing this surgery!
I know Major Houlihan'sappendix better than
any of you!
Burns,
she asked for Pierce.
I don't believe it!
Great deal of
conflict here.
You said it, brother--
uh, Father.
Frank, she doesn't
want you here.
I'm not leaving till Ihear it from her own lips.
Listen to these lips, Frank.
Get out!
She's delirious.
Out!
I hope you havea big scar!
Can we get on with this?
I gotta get up in
an hour and go to work.
All right,Margaret, relax.
Take a nice, deep breath.
I'm supposed to say that.
Shut up, Margaret.
Now let's have some fun.
It's important to get on yourfeet the second or third day.
Thanks for doing
such a wonderful job.
I'll throw in a guarantee.
Every thousand miles,I'll probe your chassis.
Oh.
The important thing
after an experience
like this, my dear,
is to keep moving.
Atta girl. You know,
you could've wound up
with a knot in your intestine.
[whinnies]
Did you say something?
[theme music playing]