M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 10 - Hawkeye Get Your Gun - full transcript
Hawkeye and Potter provide assistance at a Korean clinic, and run into an enemy attack on the way home. Meanwhile, Klinger begins posing as a Gypsy to help get his discharge papers.
[theme music playing]
[operating room chatter]
Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?
-Uh, Nurse.
-Doctor?
Scratch, please.Left interscapular.
Ah... bullseye.
Lucky shot.
Lucky shot, nothing.
I know my anatomy.
I wish I knew your anatomylike you know your anatomy.
-[B.J.] Anybody? Time.
-About 0100.
0100? I worked
around the clock.
Sure beats workin' around here.
I'm so bushed, I can'tremember my last patient.
-He had quintuplets.
-Oh, yeah.
Silencio!
How can I operate with allthis flapdoodle going on?
Where there's a war,
there's a way, Frank.
Wipe.
-How many more out there?-I counted 19 when I came in.
Nineteen?There were 19 two hours ago.
-They restock the shelveswhen they run out.
-I'm closing, Colonel.
A couple more minutes,and I can take over for you.
-Why?
-Why?
Well, you must be dog-tired.
Yes, but why me
more than anyone else?
Oh, because you're old.
Uh, older than
the rest of us, sir.
And you look dead...
uh, beat.
Major, I can match you
incision for incision,
suture for suture,
clamp for clamp,
patient for patient!
But not goof for goof.
Oh, mind your own kipper,Pierce.
Sir, I was only trying--
I know what
you were trying to do.
I was the first man in.I'll be the last man out.
[softly]If they have to carry me out.
[sighs]
-Hi, Klinger.
-What you got, Igor?
-For Radar.
-I'll give it tothe fink when he gets back.
-Why "fink"?-'Cause every time the finkgets a four-day pass
I get stuck with the job.
I may look like
the perfect secretary,
but I'd rather dig latrines.
-Look at those nails.
-Here, for you.
Do you know what this is?
This is the end to mybrilliant military career.
-You're crazy.
-Not anymore.
I got somethingbetter than crazy.
If Frank Burns makes
any more patronizing cracksabout my age,
I'll take him
behind the motor pool
and let the air
out of his tires.
He didn't mean anythingby it, Colonel.
He was only trying
to insult you.
Colonel, I've gotto talk to you right away!
Klinger,
go put on a dress.
Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?
If you aren't Klinger,
who the Sam Hill are you?
Sam Hill maybe.
I am Zoltan,
King of the Gypsies.
You just made my day.
Zoltan, King of the Gypsies,
you're talking yourself intoa court-martial, soldier.
You can't court-martial me.I'm not in the army.
-Not in the army?
-No, sir.
I'm not an American citizen.
I think he's on tosomething good here.
I wouldn't miss it for allthe chipped beef in Korea.
Klinger, how can you
be king of the Gypsies
when you're Lebanese?
Good question.
I was stolen
from the Gypsies
by two ruthless Lebanesepeasants who brought me up
as their own
flesh and blood.
I like this.
Look, a signed confessionfrom the culprits.
It's a signed confession,
all right.
And I've been electedking of my whole tribe.
This is an urgent request toreturn and ascend the throne.
Sorry, I don't read Gypsy.
-Take my word for it.
-Of course.
I'll be waiting in my tentwith my bags packed.
-You'll have a long wait.-Sir, my people need me.
Klinger,if I bought this story,
they'd boot me
out of the army.
It's true.
Now I know why
the sounds of violins
set my blood on fire.
Why I'm so attracted
to storefront windows.
Why, when I smell paprika,I face toward Budapest.
Why I have the urge to roam.
Zoltan,roam the hell outta here.
If you'd likeyour tea leaves read...
-I prefer them green.
-POTTER: Dismissed.
♪ Play gypsy, dance gypsy
♪ Play while you may
I think the king justgave himself a hernia.
No more rhubarb,
Private?
-All gone, sir.
-"All gone, sir"?
I'd like to know how come
rhubarb always disappears
the minute I show up.
It's not just rhubarb, Frank.People disappear.
Stay out of this,
Snooping Sam.
Frank, why do you alwaysgive me a bad time
every time I give youa bad time?
Aw, blow it out
your bagpipe.
Hello, Major.May I join you for somepleasant conversation?
Sure, Major.
Sit down and keep
your mouth shut.
We just got a call fromKorean Army Hospital 426.
They're screaming for
supplies and surgeons.
They're up to their scalpelsin casualties.
-They need our help.-Well, for criminy sakes!
-We're surgeons, not supermen.-You can say that again.
Oh, are you comparing us toyour Colonel Penobscott again?
-Huh?
-If Donald were here,
he'd be the first one
to volunteer.
That's how he became engaged.She asked for volunteers.
I heard that.
-Here's your rhubarb, sir.-Oh, sure.
I'll volunteer, sir.
Just say the word.
Sorry, Major.They didn't ask for nurses,and I'm not offering.
I'm dispatching
two surgeons
and all the supplies
a jeep can carry.
Oh, now how do we pick
the two surgeons?
-Alphabetically
is fine with me.
-FRANK: Oh, sure!
Captain Pierce begins
with a "P,"
and that puts Major Burnswith a "B" right at the top.
-Really?
-Don't blow
your top yet, Major.
-It won't be alphabetical.-I suggest straws, sir.
Two shortest out of three
-pulls the duty.-Where do you get three?
Well, Burns, one, Pierce, two,
Hunnicutt, three.
-Potter, four.
-You, sir?
Yes, me.
But, sir,
you're a grandfather.
Yes, a grandfather,but not Whistler's mother.
Well, you're spry
for your age, Colonel.
I mean, anyone
can see that.
But as commanding officerand senior member
of the surgical staff,
shouldn't you put your juniorofficers on this detail?
-How do we shut Junior up?-Suture his lips.
Burns, I may
not be a colt,
but I'm not an old,
gray mare either.
-She's right.
-I'm just as fit forthis detail as you are.
Maybe fitter!
We'll settle
this right now.
Frank, how would youlike to be our firstkamikaze surgeon?
It's simple, Frank.You just do a lobotomyon yourself.
Ah, stick it
in the freezer.
May I commandeer this deck
for one minute?
Oh, but, sir, look.
Holy cow!
Sorry, son.
Two low cards
go for a ride.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hunnicutt.
[humming]
Ten. I guess I getto wave bye-bye.
Burns.
Five. I do better
with straws.
Three.Looks like a marriage, Frank.
I know I can do better,
but at my age, can I wait?
-Deuce.
-Well, that's a jip.
That means you go and I stay.Oh, that's good.
Well, Frank, looks likeyou've been jilted again.
It's you and me, Pierce.
Burns, load the jeep
with supplies
and don't forget my Geritol.
Gowns, masks,
sterile cotton, tape...
Tape. What did you do
with the tape?
Here. Just 'cause I'm a Gypsydoesn't mean I stole it.
[scoffs] Today you're a Gypsy.Yesterday you were a ballerina.
Don't scoff, sir.Your fate is an open book to me.
-You're daffy.
-We read the future.
So can I. In about
five seconds, I'm
gonna bust your nose.
Don't bite off morethan you can chew, sir.
Believe me, the futureis written in the palmof your hand.
Oh, yeah?
What does it say?
-It says... [gasps]-What is it? What do you see?
-Let me be the firstto congratulate you, sir.-Somebody die, leave me money?
-No, sir. You're gonnacover yourself with glory.-I am?
-Oh, Yes. You've got
a strong glory line.
-Go on.
You're about to go on a trip,sir, a mission of mercy,
to a hospital many miles away.
I see-- I see-- a medal.It's gold.
-A gold medal?
-[blows]
-It's turning green.
-Green?
It says, "For your totaldisregard of danger,
"for operating aboveand beyond the call of duty,
for insisting
to go on this missioninstead of Colonel Potter."
Oh, buzz off, goofball!
I know what
your little game is,
and it won't work.
Sir, you're 20 years youngerthan the colonel.
So? The old and the weak
get knocked off.
The young and
the strong survive.
It's the law of the jungle.
-[door slams]-A lion should eat your face!
Where does this go, sir?
There's room up front,Your Highness.
Ah, good idea.
The Colonel can use
it as a footrest.
I'll rest my footon your butt.
Climb in, Pierce.Where's your gun?
Sulking under my cot.
We're not on
speaking terms.
Go kiss and make up.You're taking it with you.
Colonel, if I touch that gun,I'll just trigger anotherargument.
Pierce, you're takingalong your sidearm.
Correct, I'm taking alongmy right-side arm
and my left-side arm.
You need an enemy before
you can surrender, Hawkeye.
Didn't they teach you
that in basic training?
Pierce, I'm notriding shotgun.
Get that weapon.
-Gun boy.
-Ah, yes, sahib.
My feet are like
wings, sahib.
[indistinct,
off key singing]
You're not hitting thosehigh notes anymore.
-Hurt myself, sir.
-I thought so.
Coffee, good and strong.
Oh, thanks, Zoltan.
This will come in handy.
Your parka, Colonel.
Wouldn't know
where to put it.
You'll need this.The roads are bumpy.
I know where to put that.
Your artillery, pard.
POTTER:Is it loaded?
Filled it with water
myself, Colonel.
Watch out, everybody.
I shoot to drown.
Do you thinkyou can find it?
If we run into trouble,I'll call AAA.
Have a safe trip,
gentlemen.
How about a little kissfor the road?
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.-Then how about one for me?
Pierce, on this mission,you represent the 4077th,
-and don't forget that.-Forget what?
MASH would never send anofficer who would disgrace us.
You're right, Margaret.I'm staying.
Sit down, Pierce.
Beware, sirs,I see snipers,
and land mines,and artillery.
You see any good restaurants?
Cut the chatter.
Let's move it.
Kick the chocks out
from under the wheels.
Flaps up.
No offense, Margaret.
Contact! We're off!
-[imitating engine revving]-Start the engine!
Oh, yeah.
[engine starting]
[distant explosions]
Don't look now,
but I think we're being
followed by the war.
I've been followed bybigger wars than this.
Don't fight it, Colonel.
This one's bigger
than both of us.
Col. Sherman Potter,
MASH 4077.
Where you headed, sir?
Korean Hospital 426near Kumhwa.
-Are we close?-Two miles, dead ahead.
Can you make that
"straight ahead"?
You'd better turn back, sir.This area isn't secured.
Neither are we.
We're a mass of insecurity.
A lot of people bleedingto death up there, Sergeant.
Captain Pierce
and I are surgeons.
We're goin' in.
Goin' in isn't the problem,Colonel, getting out is.
-Sounds like marriage.
-Let's go.
-Good luck.
-Okay.
[artillery shell approaching]
[engine approaching]
-Sirs!
-Is our room ready?
We booked the
Syngman Rhee suite
overlooking the motor pool.
Your commanding officer'sexpecting us.
Yes, sir. Inside.
Watch that.It's more valuable than allthe pickled cabbage in Korea.
-Verstehen?
-I watch, sir!
They call this
a hospital?
I wouldn't operate
on your horse
under these conditions.
My horse wouldn't be
caught dead in here.
Gentlemen.I'm Major Choi.
Colonel Potter.
Uh, this is Captain Pierce.
Hiya.
How can I thank youfor coming?
How about 5,000 apiece
in small bills?
Two enemy divisions
attacked our forces
early this morning.
Successfully, I see.
I'm short of help
and drugs.
Supplies are parked
outside, Major.
I'll send for them
right now.
[speaking Korean]
Wash up over there.We go to work.
I think we
got the job.
Thank you.
Metzenbaum scissors.
Scissors. Scissors.
I don't-I don't know whatto do with "Metzenbaum."
Uh, that-that instrument there,pretending to be sterile.
That's it.Good.
What'd you sterilizethis in, egg drop soup?
We do the best we can, Captain,with the little we have.
I'm sorry, it's just thatI'm opposed to germ warfare.
[explosion in distance]
I'm not too crazyabout that warfare either.
Oh, great.Right in the middleof resecting a bowel.
[shouting in Korean]
[metal clattering]
Whoops.
-Getting tired, Colonel?-Doin' fine.
Haven't let a patient slipthrough my fingers yet.
You know, Colonel,in this light,
you look justlike Greer Garson.
In what picture?
"Mrs. Miniver."
[sighing]
-How long we been at this?-I started surgery in 1932.
-I mean, this session.
-So do I.
Maybe we shouldcharge them piecework.
We can't.
This is war.
By the way,
which war is this?
The latest warto end all wars.
More of Klinger's coffee?
No, thanks.
It's beginning todissolve my fillings.
I told him strong,
not lethal.
[yawning]
I can hardly keepmy eyes open.
They're closed.
There, you see what I mean?
Your eyelids are beginningto send you messages too.
Time for a little shut-eye.
I don't take orders
from my eyelids.
-Sleep, come on.
-[chuckling]
I don't take orders
from you either.
Come on, I know whatyou've been going through.
You're exhausted.
I am not.
I slept last year.
If I said the word "sleep"three times to you,
-I'd put you right under.-Not a chance.
Oh, yeah?Watch this.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
-Evening, Klinger.
-Evening who, sir?
Sorry, Zoltan.
-How's the tribe?
-My tribe, they're
yearning for me, sir.
Of course they are.What are you doing?
Working on a plan
to turn the motor pool
-into a Gypsy caravan.
-You too?
Any news about Hawkeyeand the Colonel?
-They didn't call.
-I'm getting worried.
I don't like to havethem stay out so lateon a school night.
Put your mind
at ease, sir.
We Gypsies have ways
of finding things out.
Crystal ball?
Cards.
Concentrate
with me, sir.
Ten of clubs.
Ace of spades.
King of diamonds.
Jack of hearts.
This... this is
the crucial card.
Ah, Queen of diamonds.
Holy mackerel!
I drew a straight!
-Hawkeye.
-Huh?
Did I--
I did.
I fell asleep.
You're one heckof a hypnotist.
It works,
I just did it backwards.
You can take over now.
Game's tough,
and you're sending in
your ace reliever, huh?
That's right. We're losing,and the bases are loaded.
Listen, you wanna finish
a great dream for me?
If I can't come upwith one of my own.
I was in
a candlelit room.
Soft music in
the background.
Soft girl inthe foreground.
Stop right there.
I'm a married man.
Well, can you at least buyher a drink till I get back?
Sure.
[sighing]
I watched your work.
It was a magnificentperformance.
Souvenir programs areavailable in the lobby.
Major, I wish you'd
drop in on us one day
at the 4077th and watch
the whole team in action.
We do a matinee that has 'emrolling in the aisles.
We have a good
bunch of doctors.
-Even Frank Burns?-You mean old Ferret Face?
You've heard of him.
Yes, he worked on
a few of my men.
-And they survived?
-Yes, they were lucky.
Again, thank youfor all your help.
Thank you for
all your wounded,
without which our helpwould have meant nothing.
-Well, goodbye, Major.
-Goodbye.
-May luck go with you.
-Yes, he may.
[explosion]
Tell him to hurry.
Anan-nyung.
Anan-nyung.
I could use a belt.
Why, are your pants
falling down?
Klinger thoughtof everything else.
You don't suppose--
Huh?
[laughing]
Bless that Gypsy.
-Belly up to the bar, Hawkeye.-Delighted!
To Klinger!
To Klinger's nose!
-That's a double.
-All right.
To Zoltan!
To Zoltan's nose!
-That's a double.
-That's a double.
-To Charles de Gaulle!
-And his nose!
That's a triple!
[laughter]
-Here's to your nose.
-Oh, that's a-that's
a half a one.
[laughter]
[rapid gunfire, shouting]
-Hawkeye, your gun!
-Forget that! Come on!
What are they
bombing us for?
We're already bombed.
[fire roaring]
They totaled our jeep.
-The case will be
in court for years.
-[gunshot]
Get down!You wanna be a dead duck?
No, I'd rather be
a live chicken.
You wanna cut it out!
Oh, that was close.
I believe my life is about
to pass before my eyes.
Let me know when it does.I love a parade.
Even short ones?
Too young to die, Pierce?
I was hoping I'd
make it to Thursday.
Well, I'm gonna give 'emone hell of a fight
before they drag me offto any Chinese prison camp.
What's the matter,you don't like Egg Foo Young?
Miserable place fora regular army man
to spend the war.
Well, I don't believeanybody's made the offer yet.
[gunshots firing]
I think we just gotan-an invi-invitation.
[explosions]
[gunfire]
What are you
shooting for?
Well, that's the waythis game is played.
They shoot at us.We shoot at them.
The last oneto shoot, wins.
Here, it's your turn.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The reason they're shootingis that they're angry.
If I shoot back,they'll just get angrier.
Pierce, you got agood sense of humor,
but a lousysense of timing.
Fire that weapon.
Fire it? I don't even
like looking at it.
I said,"Fire that weapon!"
All right.
You're fired.
I did it as gently
as I could.
That was an order, Pierce.
Oh, waiter, would you takethis man's order, please?
Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
Look, Colonel,I'll treat their wounds,
heal their wounds,
bind their wounds,
but I will not inflict
their wounds.
You can't just sit there.
I may be sitting
on the outside,
but I'm running
on the inside.
You love life that little?
I hate guns that much.
For God's sake, man,defend yourself.
Don't think of itas a gun.
Think of it as a greatlittle noisemaker,
the loudest cap pistolin Korea.
Just shoot it and scarethe living hell outta them.
Well, that-that I can do.
All right, everybody,
I start shooting
at the count of three.
What's the matter?
Oh, thank you.
-[gunshots firing]-Out of the way! Look out!
Out of the way!
Behind the trees!
Take cover!
Look out!
[return gunfire]
There, I used up
all my bullets.
Now can I go home?
You're a crazier soldierthan a surgeon.
Thank you.
[laughing]
-You hear that?-No, I don't hear a thing.
That's what I mean.
Nobody's there.
They amscrayed.
Come here.
Come here, Pierce.
Take a look.
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
We're one of you.
You're one of us.Apple pie, Betty Grable.
-Clara Bow.
-"Clara Bow?"
-Frank's right, you are old.-You medics?
-Surgeons with a MASH unit.-What are you doing up here?
-Lookin' for broads.
-You're not gonna find
any there, Captain.
No, no, he's-he's lookin'for c-casualties.
Oh, they all pulled out.
We're moving out.
Let's go.
You didn't hit a singlething, sharpshooter.
Well, you fired
as many shots as I did
and you were the one whosaid you shot the apple
off the kaiser's head.
Confidentially, Hawkeye,
I couldn't hit a bulletwith the side of a barn.
[laughing]
Look out for that bush.
Whoo!
-You all right, sir?-Great! Why shouldn't I be?
Well, you've been through
some terrible ordeals.
-What ordeals?
-Well, the Korean
hospital ordeal,
the bunker ordeal.
Piece of cake.
Enjoyed every minute.
Well, I think I'll turn inafter I do my 50 pushups.
Care to join me?
Uh, no, thank you, sir.
-Good night.-Thanks for looking in, Major.
Come in.
Finished with
your tea, sir?
It was delicious,
Klinger.
May I read
the tea leaves, sir?
By all means.
Says here, you're gonnatake pity on a poor Gypsy boy
who desperately wants
to go home to his people.
Let's have a look.
The way I read it,
the poor Gypsy boy
is in danger of annoyinghis commanding officer.
And if he keeps it up,he'll get a boot inhis tambourine.
Got ya, sir.
Good night.
Good night, Klinger.
[exhales]
[theme music playing]
[operating room chatter]
Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?
-Uh, Nurse.
-Doctor?
Scratch, please.Left interscapular.
Ah... bullseye.
Lucky shot.
Lucky shot, nothing.
I know my anatomy.
I wish I knew your anatomylike you know your anatomy.
-[B.J.] Anybody? Time.
-About 0100.
0100? I worked
around the clock.
Sure beats workin' around here.
I'm so bushed, I can'tremember my last patient.
-He had quintuplets.
-Oh, yeah.
Silencio!
How can I operate with allthis flapdoodle going on?
Where there's a war,
there's a way, Frank.
Wipe.
-How many more out there?-I counted 19 when I came in.
Nineteen?There were 19 two hours ago.
-They restock the shelveswhen they run out.
-I'm closing, Colonel.
A couple more minutes,and I can take over for you.
-Why?
-Why?
Well, you must be dog-tired.
Yes, but why me
more than anyone else?
Oh, because you're old.
Uh, older than
the rest of us, sir.
And you look dead...
uh, beat.
Major, I can match you
incision for incision,
suture for suture,
clamp for clamp,
patient for patient!
But not goof for goof.
Oh, mind your own kipper,Pierce.
Sir, I was only trying--
I know what
you were trying to do.
I was the first man in.I'll be the last man out.
[softly]If they have to carry me out.
[sighs]
-Hi, Klinger.
-What you got, Igor?
-For Radar.
-I'll give it tothe fink when he gets back.
-Why "fink"?-'Cause every time the finkgets a four-day pass
I get stuck with the job.
I may look like
the perfect secretary,
but I'd rather dig latrines.
-Look at those nails.
-Here, for you.
Do you know what this is?
This is the end to mybrilliant military career.
-You're crazy.
-Not anymore.
I got somethingbetter than crazy.
If Frank Burns makes
any more patronizing cracksabout my age,
I'll take him
behind the motor pool
and let the air
out of his tires.
He didn't mean anythingby it, Colonel.
He was only trying
to insult you.
Colonel, I've gotto talk to you right away!
Klinger,
go put on a dress.
Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?
If you aren't Klinger,
who the Sam Hill are you?
Sam Hill maybe.
I am Zoltan,
King of the Gypsies.
You just made my day.
Zoltan, King of the Gypsies,
you're talking yourself intoa court-martial, soldier.
You can't court-martial me.I'm not in the army.
-Not in the army?
-No, sir.
I'm not an American citizen.
I think he's on tosomething good here.
I wouldn't miss it for allthe chipped beef in Korea.
Klinger, how can you
be king of the Gypsies
when you're Lebanese?
Good question.
I was stolen
from the Gypsies
by two ruthless Lebanesepeasants who brought me up
as their own
flesh and blood.
I like this.
Look, a signed confessionfrom the culprits.
It's a signed confession,
all right.
And I've been electedking of my whole tribe.
This is an urgent request toreturn and ascend the throne.
Sorry, I don't read Gypsy.
-Take my word for it.
-Of course.
I'll be waiting in my tentwith my bags packed.
-You'll have a long wait.-Sir, my people need me.
Klinger,if I bought this story,
they'd boot me
out of the army.
It's true.
Now I know why
the sounds of violins
set my blood on fire.
Why I'm so attracted
to storefront windows.
Why, when I smell paprika,I face toward Budapest.
Why I have the urge to roam.
Zoltan,roam the hell outta here.
If you'd likeyour tea leaves read...
-I prefer them green.
-POTTER: Dismissed.
♪ Play gypsy, dance gypsy
♪ Play while you may
I think the king justgave himself a hernia.
No more rhubarb,
Private?
-All gone, sir.
-"All gone, sir"?
I'd like to know how come
rhubarb always disappears
the minute I show up.
It's not just rhubarb, Frank.People disappear.
Stay out of this,
Snooping Sam.
Frank, why do you alwaysgive me a bad time
every time I give youa bad time?
Aw, blow it out
your bagpipe.
Hello, Major.May I join you for somepleasant conversation?
Sure, Major.
Sit down and keep
your mouth shut.
We just got a call fromKorean Army Hospital 426.
They're screaming for
supplies and surgeons.
They're up to their scalpelsin casualties.
-They need our help.-Well, for criminy sakes!
-We're surgeons, not supermen.-You can say that again.
Oh, are you comparing us toyour Colonel Penobscott again?
-Huh?
-If Donald were here,
he'd be the first one
to volunteer.
That's how he became engaged.She asked for volunteers.
I heard that.
-Here's your rhubarb, sir.-Oh, sure.
I'll volunteer, sir.
Just say the word.
Sorry, Major.They didn't ask for nurses,and I'm not offering.
I'm dispatching
two surgeons
and all the supplies
a jeep can carry.
Oh, now how do we pick
the two surgeons?
-Alphabetically
is fine with me.
-FRANK: Oh, sure!
Captain Pierce begins
with a "P,"
and that puts Major Burnswith a "B" right at the top.
-Really?
-Don't blow
your top yet, Major.
-It won't be alphabetical.-I suggest straws, sir.
Two shortest out of three
-pulls the duty.-Where do you get three?
Well, Burns, one, Pierce, two,
Hunnicutt, three.
-Potter, four.
-You, sir?
Yes, me.
But, sir,
you're a grandfather.
Yes, a grandfather,but not Whistler's mother.
Well, you're spry
for your age, Colonel.
I mean, anyone
can see that.
But as commanding officerand senior member
of the surgical staff,
shouldn't you put your juniorofficers on this detail?
-How do we shut Junior up?-Suture his lips.
Burns, I may
not be a colt,
but I'm not an old,
gray mare either.
-She's right.
-I'm just as fit forthis detail as you are.
Maybe fitter!
We'll settle
this right now.
Frank, how would youlike to be our firstkamikaze surgeon?
It's simple, Frank.You just do a lobotomyon yourself.
Ah, stick it
in the freezer.
May I commandeer this deck
for one minute?
Oh, but, sir, look.
Holy cow!
Sorry, son.
Two low cards
go for a ride.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hunnicutt.
[humming]
Ten. I guess I getto wave bye-bye.
Burns.
Five. I do better
with straws.
Three.Looks like a marriage, Frank.
I know I can do better,
but at my age, can I wait?
-Deuce.
-Well, that's a jip.
That means you go and I stay.Oh, that's good.
Well, Frank, looks likeyou've been jilted again.
It's you and me, Pierce.
Burns, load the jeep
with supplies
and don't forget my Geritol.
Gowns, masks,
sterile cotton, tape...
Tape. What did you do
with the tape?
Here. Just 'cause I'm a Gypsydoesn't mean I stole it.
[scoffs] Today you're a Gypsy.Yesterday you were a ballerina.
Don't scoff, sir.Your fate is an open book to me.
-You're daffy.
-We read the future.
So can I. In about
five seconds, I'm
gonna bust your nose.
Don't bite off morethan you can chew, sir.
Believe me, the futureis written in the palmof your hand.
Oh, yeah?
What does it say?
-It says... [gasps]-What is it? What do you see?
-Let me be the firstto congratulate you, sir.-Somebody die, leave me money?
-No, sir. You're gonnacover yourself with glory.-I am?
-Oh, Yes. You've got
a strong glory line.
-Go on.
You're about to go on a trip,sir, a mission of mercy,
to a hospital many miles away.
I see-- I see-- a medal.It's gold.
-A gold medal?
-[blows]
-It's turning green.
-Green?
It says, "For your totaldisregard of danger,
"for operating aboveand beyond the call of duty,
for insisting
to go on this missioninstead of Colonel Potter."
Oh, buzz off, goofball!
I know what
your little game is,
and it won't work.
Sir, you're 20 years youngerthan the colonel.
So? The old and the weak
get knocked off.
The young and
the strong survive.
It's the law of the jungle.
-[door slams]-A lion should eat your face!
Where does this go, sir?
There's room up front,Your Highness.
Ah, good idea.
The Colonel can use
it as a footrest.
I'll rest my footon your butt.
Climb in, Pierce.Where's your gun?
Sulking under my cot.
We're not on
speaking terms.
Go kiss and make up.You're taking it with you.
Colonel, if I touch that gun,I'll just trigger anotherargument.
Pierce, you're takingalong your sidearm.
Correct, I'm taking alongmy right-side arm
and my left-side arm.
You need an enemy before
you can surrender, Hawkeye.
Didn't they teach you
that in basic training?
Pierce, I'm notriding shotgun.
Get that weapon.
-Gun boy.
-Ah, yes, sahib.
My feet are like
wings, sahib.
[indistinct,
off key singing]
You're not hitting thosehigh notes anymore.
-Hurt myself, sir.
-I thought so.
Coffee, good and strong.
Oh, thanks, Zoltan.
This will come in handy.
Your parka, Colonel.
Wouldn't know
where to put it.
You'll need this.The roads are bumpy.
I know where to put that.
Your artillery, pard.
POTTER:Is it loaded?
Filled it with water
myself, Colonel.
Watch out, everybody.
I shoot to drown.
Do you thinkyou can find it?
If we run into trouble,I'll call AAA.
Have a safe trip,
gentlemen.
How about a little kissfor the road?
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.-Then how about one for me?
Pierce, on this mission,you represent the 4077th,
-and don't forget that.-Forget what?
MASH would never send anofficer who would disgrace us.
You're right, Margaret.I'm staying.
Sit down, Pierce.
Beware, sirs,I see snipers,
and land mines,and artillery.
You see any good restaurants?
Cut the chatter.
Let's move it.
Kick the chocks out
from under the wheels.
Flaps up.
No offense, Margaret.
Contact! We're off!
-[imitating engine revving]-Start the engine!
Oh, yeah.
[engine starting]
[distant explosions]
Don't look now,
but I think we're being
followed by the war.
I've been followed bybigger wars than this.
Don't fight it, Colonel.
This one's bigger
than both of us.
Col. Sherman Potter,
MASH 4077.
Where you headed, sir?
Korean Hospital 426near Kumhwa.
-Are we close?-Two miles, dead ahead.
Can you make that
"straight ahead"?
You'd better turn back, sir.This area isn't secured.
Neither are we.
We're a mass of insecurity.
A lot of people bleedingto death up there, Sergeant.
Captain Pierce
and I are surgeons.
We're goin' in.
Goin' in isn't the problem,Colonel, getting out is.
-Sounds like marriage.
-Let's go.
-Good luck.
-Okay.
[artillery shell approaching]
[engine approaching]
-Sirs!
-Is our room ready?
We booked the
Syngman Rhee suite
overlooking the motor pool.
Your commanding officer'sexpecting us.
Yes, sir. Inside.
Watch that.It's more valuable than allthe pickled cabbage in Korea.
-Verstehen?
-I watch, sir!
They call this
a hospital?
I wouldn't operate
on your horse
under these conditions.
My horse wouldn't be
caught dead in here.
Gentlemen.I'm Major Choi.
Colonel Potter.
Uh, this is Captain Pierce.
Hiya.
How can I thank youfor coming?
How about 5,000 apiece
in small bills?
Two enemy divisions
attacked our forces
early this morning.
Successfully, I see.
I'm short of help
and drugs.
Supplies are parked
outside, Major.
I'll send for them
right now.
[speaking Korean]
Wash up over there.We go to work.
I think we
got the job.
Thank you.
Metzenbaum scissors.
Scissors. Scissors.
I don't-I don't know whatto do with "Metzenbaum."
Uh, that-that instrument there,pretending to be sterile.
That's it.Good.
What'd you sterilizethis in, egg drop soup?
We do the best we can, Captain,with the little we have.
I'm sorry, it's just thatI'm opposed to germ warfare.
[explosion in distance]
I'm not too crazyabout that warfare either.
Oh, great.Right in the middleof resecting a bowel.
[shouting in Korean]
[metal clattering]
Whoops.
-Getting tired, Colonel?-Doin' fine.
Haven't let a patient slipthrough my fingers yet.
You know, Colonel,in this light,
you look justlike Greer Garson.
In what picture?
"Mrs. Miniver."
[sighing]
-How long we been at this?-I started surgery in 1932.
-I mean, this session.
-So do I.
Maybe we shouldcharge them piecework.
We can't.
This is war.
By the way,
which war is this?
The latest warto end all wars.
More of Klinger's coffee?
No, thanks.
It's beginning todissolve my fillings.
I told him strong,
not lethal.
[yawning]
I can hardly keepmy eyes open.
They're closed.
There, you see what I mean?
Your eyelids are beginningto send you messages too.
Time for a little shut-eye.
I don't take orders
from my eyelids.
-Sleep, come on.
-[chuckling]
I don't take orders
from you either.
Come on, I know whatyou've been going through.
You're exhausted.
I am not.
I slept last year.
If I said the word "sleep"three times to you,
-I'd put you right under.-Not a chance.
Oh, yeah?Watch this.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
-Evening, Klinger.
-Evening who, sir?
Sorry, Zoltan.
-How's the tribe?
-My tribe, they're
yearning for me, sir.
Of course they are.What are you doing?
Working on a plan
to turn the motor pool
-into a Gypsy caravan.
-You too?
Any news about Hawkeyeand the Colonel?
-They didn't call.
-I'm getting worried.
I don't like to havethem stay out so lateon a school night.
Put your mind
at ease, sir.
We Gypsies have ways
of finding things out.
Crystal ball?
Cards.
Concentrate
with me, sir.
Ten of clubs.
Ace of spades.
King of diamonds.
Jack of hearts.
This... this is
the crucial card.
Ah, Queen of diamonds.
Holy mackerel!
I drew a straight!
-Hawkeye.
-Huh?
Did I--
I did.
I fell asleep.
You're one heckof a hypnotist.
It works,
I just did it backwards.
You can take over now.
Game's tough,
and you're sending in
your ace reliever, huh?
That's right. We're losing,and the bases are loaded.
Listen, you wanna finish
a great dream for me?
If I can't come upwith one of my own.
I was in
a candlelit room.
Soft music in
the background.
Soft girl inthe foreground.
Stop right there.
I'm a married man.
Well, can you at least buyher a drink till I get back?
Sure.
[sighing]
I watched your work.
It was a magnificentperformance.
Souvenir programs areavailable in the lobby.
Major, I wish you'd
drop in on us one day
at the 4077th and watch
the whole team in action.
We do a matinee that has 'emrolling in the aisles.
We have a good
bunch of doctors.
-Even Frank Burns?-You mean old Ferret Face?
You've heard of him.
Yes, he worked on
a few of my men.
-And they survived?
-Yes, they were lucky.
Again, thank youfor all your help.
Thank you for
all your wounded,
without which our helpwould have meant nothing.
-Well, goodbye, Major.
-Goodbye.
-May luck go with you.
-Yes, he may.
[explosion]
Tell him to hurry.
Anan-nyung.
Anan-nyung.
I could use a belt.
Why, are your pants
falling down?
Klinger thoughtof everything else.
You don't suppose--
Huh?
[laughing]
Bless that Gypsy.
-Belly up to the bar, Hawkeye.-Delighted!
To Klinger!
To Klinger's nose!
-That's a double.
-All right.
To Zoltan!
To Zoltan's nose!
-That's a double.
-That's a double.
-To Charles de Gaulle!
-And his nose!
That's a triple!
[laughter]
-Here's to your nose.
-Oh, that's a-that's
a half a one.
[laughter]
[rapid gunfire, shouting]
-Hawkeye, your gun!
-Forget that! Come on!
What are they
bombing us for?
We're already bombed.
[fire roaring]
They totaled our jeep.
-The case will be
in court for years.
-[gunshot]
Get down!You wanna be a dead duck?
No, I'd rather be
a live chicken.
You wanna cut it out!
Oh, that was close.
I believe my life is about
to pass before my eyes.
Let me know when it does.I love a parade.
Even short ones?
Too young to die, Pierce?
I was hoping I'd
make it to Thursday.
Well, I'm gonna give 'emone hell of a fight
before they drag me offto any Chinese prison camp.
What's the matter,you don't like Egg Foo Young?
Miserable place fora regular army man
to spend the war.
Well, I don't believeanybody's made the offer yet.
[gunshots firing]
I think we just gotan-an invi-invitation.
[explosions]
[gunfire]
What are you
shooting for?
Well, that's the waythis game is played.
They shoot at us.We shoot at them.
The last oneto shoot, wins.
Here, it's your turn.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The reason they're shootingis that they're angry.
If I shoot back,they'll just get angrier.
Pierce, you got agood sense of humor,
but a lousysense of timing.
Fire that weapon.
Fire it? I don't even
like looking at it.
I said,"Fire that weapon!"
All right.
You're fired.
I did it as gently
as I could.
That was an order, Pierce.
Oh, waiter, would you takethis man's order, please?
Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
Look, Colonel,I'll treat their wounds,
heal their wounds,
bind their wounds,
but I will not inflict
their wounds.
You can't just sit there.
I may be sitting
on the outside,
but I'm running
on the inside.
You love life that little?
I hate guns that much.
For God's sake, man,defend yourself.
Don't think of itas a gun.
Think of it as a greatlittle noisemaker,
the loudest cap pistolin Korea.
Just shoot it and scarethe living hell outta them.
Well, that-that I can do.
All right, everybody,
I start shooting
at the count of three.
What's the matter?
Oh, thank you.
-[gunshots firing]-Out of the way! Look out!
Out of the way!
Behind the trees!
Take cover!
Look out!
[return gunfire]
There, I used up
all my bullets.
Now can I go home?
You're a crazier soldierthan a surgeon.
Thank you.
[laughing]
-You hear that?-No, I don't hear a thing.
That's what I mean.
Nobody's there.
They amscrayed.
Come here.
Come here, Pierce.
Take a look.
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
We're one of you.
You're one of us.Apple pie, Betty Grable.
-Clara Bow.
-"Clara Bow?"
-Frank's right, you are old.-You medics?
-Surgeons with a MASH unit.-What are you doing up here?
-Lookin' for broads.
-You're not gonna find
any there, Captain.
No, no, he's-he's lookin'for c-casualties.
Oh, they all pulled out.
We're moving out.
Let's go.
You didn't hit a singlething, sharpshooter.
Well, you fired
as many shots as I did
and you were the one whosaid you shot the apple
off the kaiser's head.
Confidentially, Hawkeye,
I couldn't hit a bulletwith the side of a barn.
[laughing]
Look out for that bush.
Whoo!
-You all right, sir?-Great! Why shouldn't I be?
Well, you've been through
some terrible ordeals.
-What ordeals?
-Well, the Korean
hospital ordeal,
the bunker ordeal.
Piece of cake.
Enjoyed every minute.
Well, I think I'll turn inafter I do my 50 pushups.
Care to join me?
Uh, no, thank you, sir.
-Good night.-Thanks for looking in, Major.
Come in.
Finished with
your tea, sir?
It was delicious,
Klinger.
May I read
the tea leaves, sir?
By all means.
Says here, you're gonnatake pity on a poor Gypsy boy
who desperately wants
to go home to his people.
Let's have a look.
The way I read it,
the poor Gypsy boy
is in danger of annoyinghis commanding officer.
And if he keeps it up,he'll get a boot inhis tambourine.
Got ya, sir.
Good night.
Good night, Klinger.
[exhales]
[theme music playing]