M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Interview - full transcript
War Correspondent Clete Roberts interviews the members of the 4077.
[Man]
The following is in black and white.
This is a room in Korea...
a room most of the men
fighting the second year of the war...
would rather not see.
This is an operating room in a MASH...
a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
There are five of these units
in South Korea.
The concept of treating wounded
close to the front...
this particular hospital
is just three miles from the fighting...
is being tested for the first time.
If anything can be said to be
a success in war, it is this concept.
By bringing the wounded
directly to the operating table...
by jeep, ambulance and helicopter...
these units have achieved
an effectiveness of 97%% .
In human terms, 97 out of every 100
wounded men brought here live.
Who are the people
behind that most impressive statistic?
We brought our camera
and our microphones here to find out.
Some of their saltier comments
have been deleted.
Do you see anything good at all
coming out of this war?
Yeah. Me. Alive.
That would be nice, if I could get out
of this alive. That would be great.
- You've been here some time.
- Somewhere between some time
and eternity.
Is there anything from home
that you brought over with you
to set up for yourself?
Creature comforts?
- I brought... I brought a book over.
- What book?
The dictionary. I figure
it's got all the other books in it.
I like to read the dictionary.
What do you feel was
the most difficult thing you
had to adjust to over here?
I think it's that
everything is painted green.
The clothes are green.
The food is green...
except the vegetables, of course.
The only thing that's not green
is the blood.
The blood is red.
That's what you get the most of here.
Number one with me is the toilet seats.
They give you slivers and splinters.
You can't really reach around
and take them out yourself.
Boy! That's when you find out
who your friends really are. Ha!
The almost criminal lack of respect
of military respect and discipline.
Some say that's too much
to expect of doctors.
I don't see any harm
in doctors being ordered to behave
as patriotically as possible.
Doesn't patriotism
have to come from the heart?
I don't have that problem.
You gotta understand.
I'm not working on sick people here.
I'm working on hurt young people...
with essentially healthy bodies
that have been insulted by ammunition.
What's the attitude of the boys
towards you, towards your work?
I try to get to know them,
but then there's so many.
They move through here pretty fast.
At least we hope they do.
I do hold services,
but, uh, well, they...
I don't pack 'em in, you know.
Not... Not that that's important.
They spread us religious fellows
rather thin over here.
'Course they spread everything
kind of thin over here.
I'm not complaining.
I don't mind being the only priest here.
It's sort of fun to have
a corner on the market, but...
Well, uh...
What was the question?
A lot of the boys
look up to you as a father figure.
Do you get that feeling?
I suppose they do, and that gets to be
a pain in the [Beep] too.
I don't mean that
in a nasty sort of a way.
I know it's perfectly natural.
That's what I think part of my duty
as a commanding officer is.
To accept that, and to give it back
in the best way that I can.
What do you do
when you're not working?
Then I specialize in boredom.
There must be a good deal of that.
- And let's not forget fright.
- Tell me about that.
The fright or the boredom?
We have a special on boredom this week.
[Laughs]
Tell me about the boredom.
- Do you mean what do
I do when I'm bored? Is that...
- Yeah. What do you do?
Uh, well, um...
I mostly do the same thing I do
when I'm not bored, only I do it slower.
Bored. How many times can
you watch those training films
they send over here?
V.D. Is the Enemy
and Don't Let This Happen to You.
I'd like it to happen to me
to break up the boredom.
Just kidding, honey.
You got a little woman back home?
I'm married, yeah.
LaVerne Esposito.
Terrific gal. Great gal.
She went to Toledo Waite High School.
That's on the Hungarian side of town.
Incidentally,
if you're ever in Toledo, Ohio,
on the Hungarian side of town...
Tony Paco's greatest Hungarian hot dogs,
with chili peppers, 35ct.
And a cold beer... Stroh's Bohemian.
And El Verso cigars.
Well, I, uh...
- I don't know if this is
interesting or anything.
- Go ahead.
Uh, I grow earthworms.
I, uh, dug a ditch... like a trench...
out behind the O.R.
I filled it up with peat moss and stu...
Well, not exactly peat moss,
'cause I couldn't requisition any.
So, what I did was...
Well, l... I took...
Well, you know
when they re-dig the latrine...
Can you say "latrine" on television?
Let's find out.
Well, anyhow,
there's lots of ash and stuff, you know.
I took that stuff,
and I put it in the hole.
Then I went looking for some earthworms.
I put them in there.
You know, earthworms double in 60 days.
They must really be in love.
Oh, there must be 160,000...
180,000 earthworms in there.
And now what happens?
Well, I figure I'd give most of them
away to the farmers around here...
'cause they need all the help
they can get.
And, uh, earthworms are really good
with dirt. Is this too technical?
- No, no. Go ahead.
- Well, uh...
I figure I'll give most of them
to the farmers, and the rest I'll race.
You race earthworms?
- Yeah. I got this cockroach
in a jar, you know?
- Yeah.
I didn't name him or nothing.
He's just number six.
One through five died.
Or maybe number six ate them.
I don't know.
They're pretty hard up too, you know?
Cockroaches. Over here.
Anyhow, I put him in this track
with the worm, and then I race 'em.
Unlike most of your doctors,
you're regular army.
This is my third war.
I was in the big one...
and the Second World War
and now Korea.
I hope war is getting smaller
as a trend.
I've been asking if something special
is coming out of this...
in the way of medical
or technical developments.
Oh, there are some things
that get a practical trying-out here...
that maybe wouldn't
with the same speed back home.
But when you counterbalance
that with the frightful expense...
the frightful destruction
and loss of life, I don't think
it's an equal balance.
Do you see anything good
coming out of this?
Not a damn thing.
I mean, Korea will become
a shining example of...
the American policy
of benign military intervention.
I think it's the most stupidest thing
in the world.
You call it a police action
back home, right?
Over here, it's a war.
"A police action" sounds like
we're over here arresting people...
handing out parking tickets.
War is just killing.
That's all.
Do you get scared, frightened?
Yeah, very frightened.
Very frightened.
- What do you lean on then?
- Mostly terror. There's always
terror to fall back on.
You know what it's like?
It's like a car accident.
You know,
everything goes into slow motion?
You suddenly see things
for the way they really are.
You say to yourself,
"Oh, so that's what it's like...
to have a bomb explode
a few feet away from me."
Do you ever get hit here?
Oh, they bombed the crap
out of us a number of times.
Uh, there, it's al... it's...
The beams shake, and the dust
falls into your patient. It's not nice.
Any other times you were afraid?
At night.
Sometimes at the beginning
of the night, sometimes...
before dawn.
When you realize
that you're not sleeping, and...
you suddenly
begin to think of where you are...
and what could happen to you.
Then you notice that the cot is shaking.
You wonder why the cot is shaking.
It's because your heart is pounding.
Sometimes I get frightened
for the patients we have to handle...
these young kids
that come in all shot up.
It's very difficult to observe all this
and not occasionally be scared by it.
How would you describe yourself?
Are you a captain
in the U.S. Army Reserves
or are you a civilian in uniform?
I'm a...
temporarily misassigned civilian.
Can you describe what you do?
Essentially, I'm on call
for all medical emergencies...
but I've never seen a situation here
that wasn't an emergency.
I did three amputations
before I had my first breakfast here.
Our surgeons, uh,
do what needs to be done.
Anesthesiologist one day,
orthopedist the next.
Psychologist pretty much all the time.
How in the world
do you keep your morale up?
I stopped having morale
about six months ago.
- It's not really morale
you have here either.
- What is it?
- Is it... pure survival instinct?
- Yes. Yeah, yeah.
It's like an overcoat that I take out
every once in a while and put on.
See, what I do is, I try to
provoke other people into disbelief.
Then when I see that disbelief
in their eyes, then I know I'm here.
Otherwise
it's like looking into a mirror
and not seeing anything.
Everybody's got that self-involved glaze
over their eyes a little bit.
They all have their own problems,
you know.
I think what it's like is, uh,
like what Milton Berle does for people.
They just can't believe it.
It gives them something to look at
for a while. It's like a public service.
How do you manage
to stay sane over here?
There are certain tricks
to staying sane...
little things you can do.
For instance, if you wear your underwear
outside your pants...
for three days straight
just to see who notices...
that's a very good way of staying sane.
- Is there anything from home...
- Actually, another thing you could do...
is you could get out in the road there,
where the jeeps are coming by...
and everybody stick your foot
out in front of the jeep.
The last one to pull his foot in...
is the sane one.
How did you pick the military
as a career?
I got into the cavalry as a kid,
excited by the glamour of it.
Then I went into medicine.
I don't say it isn't, and hasn't been,
especially in the olden days,
a glamorous occupation...
particularly the cavalry,
which was very romantic.
But remember those were the days
of Douglas Fairbanks...
and Francis X. Bushman too.
I love horses.
I'd rather spend a day with a horse,
still, than most of the people I know.
- Has this whole experience
changed you in any way?
- Certainly not.
I may care about things more
than I ever have before, because, uh...
there's so much more
to care about here.
On the other hand, I really don't
give a [Beep] what happens.
Just doesn't matter anymore, I think.
I mean,
I've seen so many people to whom...
killing is a casual thing.
I don't know how we manufacture
people like that, but it, uh...
It seems to me
that we'll never run out of them.
When I first came here,
I couldn't walk down a corridor...
full of wounded people
without being sickened by it.
Now I can walk down
without noticing them.
You have to use a mental anesthesia.
Otherwise you bleed
for everybody who's bleeding...
the refugees, the orphans...
the wounded children,
the other doctors and nurses.
If you get caught up in their misery
too deeply,
you get into a hole
you can't climb out of.
When the doctors...
cut into a patient...
and it's cold, you know...
the way it is now, today...
steam rises from the body...
and the doctor will...
will warm himself over the open wound.
Could anyone look on that
and not feel changed?
Captain, what about authority?
You have respect for authority
over here?
That's what really killed me
when I first came over here.
There were so many people
who thought they had a right
to tell me what to do.
That really was amazing.
I never saw anything like that.
My shoes!
You'd be surprised
how many people are interested in shoes
when you come into the army.
You don't meet many people
out in the real world...
who are interested in shoes
the way they are in the army.
It's a fascination for them.
You might even say a grand obsession.
It's pretty hard to have
the kind of authority here...
you would have in a regular army unit,
because these guys aren't soldiers.
They're doctors.
And, uh, you just can't handle them
the way you would regular army men.
And I don't want to...
because the results
wouldn't be what we're getting now.
Can you tell me about the people
with whom you're working?
Finest kind.
Everybody is terrific here.
Everybody pitches in.
The doctors carry litters.
The nurses check up on the doctors.
The nurses are great.
The nurses work very hard. They get...
They don't get nearly enough credit.
The nurses are preposterous.
Ladies doing work
that up until a very short time ago
I would have thought was man's work.
They do it so well
under every kind of circumstance...
bitter cold, horrendous heat...
literally under the gun.
They don't make nurses
better anywhere.
Perhaps that's not the best way
to phrase that.
Competent. Competent. Yes.
A woman...
especially, is so...
well, is a wonderful source
of comfort and tenderness...
and hope.
They give back life.
Can you do better?
Probably in school,
somewhere in the growing-up process...
you've read a lot of Hemingway and his
reports from Madrid in the Spanish War.
He romanticized that war.
I think you might agree.
Do you agree now with romanticizing war?
You know...
I used to love reading Hemingway...
'cause he wrote so well.
But now that I'm here,
I can't understand why anybody
would willingly go to a war...
would go with enthusiasm...
would want to be there
while it's happening.
I'd do anything to get out of here.
It's crazy.
- What about your colleagues?
- I only went as far as high school, sir.
Do you have any heroes over here,
anyone you look up to?
Oh, you mean the doctors.
The doctors are really terrific.
Heck, the doctors
are the whole ball game here.
I guess I'm my only hero,
but I'm too cowardly to admit it.
Nah, I don't...
I don't think I have any heroes.
My great hero would be
Abraham Lincoln, I think.
I think in so many ways
he was the most interesting
American that ever lived.
He would have been a great doctor.
Such a gentle man,
had such compassion, such humor...
and yet there was
a terrific toughness about him.
He was a real fighter
right up to the very end.
He was of the common people,
and he never lost that.
A man like Harry Truman
is that kind of man...
decent and earthy, forthright,
honest, not a buck-passer.
Men like Lincoln and Truman
if they had an assignment,
by God, they did it!
They didn't assume...
people are inclined to do, these days...
sort of weasel a decision.
They looked at the problem, acted...
and took the responsibility for it.
What do you think
of President Eisenhower?
Well, he's a general.
Do you ever get leave?
Of my senses.
The other kind
you don't get too much.
You take it wherever you can get it,
you know?
Once I went to Tokyo.
I won a contest.
- You have fun?
- Yeah, I had a lot of fun.
- What did you do?
- I don't remember.
I guess I got a little drunk.
You said something... You said
there's a lot of drinking around here.
Is there a lot of drinking here?
- Did I say that?
- Yeah, you said that.
"A lot" is a relative term.
We do considerable drinking
as opposed to sitting at home.
We do not enough drinking
as opposed to being here.
What do you think will happen
when the U.S. Leaves?
I don't know.
If I knew all the answers,
I'd run for God.
Do you get to meet the South Koreans?
Do you know them?
Yeah, they're n...
they're nice people.
I worry about 'em though.
We got a girl here that was...
you know, pregnant.
She doesn't have any money or anything.
I don't know how these kids live.
I mean, some of'em don't.
That's the God's honest truth.
Some of'em don't even live over here.
- Do you help them?
- We do the best we can...
but we haven't got...
I mean, we got just...
Sometimes
we got just enough for ourself.
Penicillin and stuff like that.
I mean, I really wish somebody
would tell these people back home this.
When you have to
look these kids in the face,
that's where it's really at.
I mean,
that's what the ball game really is...
is looking these kids in the face here.
Can you tell me what you miss most?
- Oh, you mean, back home-wise?
- Yes.
Well, my family of course... my wife,
my children. They're my strength.
I'm one of those that feels...
that marriage is the headstone
of American society.
Pistachio ice cream...
and bananas.
And pancakes.
I miss... And, uh, bacon frying.
The smell of bacon in the morning,
waking up to that.
It's a long time since I smelled that.
I miss my wife, of course...
miss my son, daughter-in-law.
I have a new baby grandchild.
I haven't seen her. I'd like to.
One of the things I miss the most...
is people my own age for companionship.
I'm old enough to be the father
of almost everyone around here,
and then some.
You just miss being able
to sit around and chew the fat
with somebody your own age...
somebody with your own background...
well, not background,
but your own experiences.
- [Helicopter Whirring]
- What about you, Doctor,
when the war is over?
I've got a lot of lost time
to make up to my family.
- Where is home?
- The Bay Area, San Francisco.
Specifically Mill Valley,
is where I live.
That's where Peg is,
and my daughter Erin.
She's lovely.
She squeezes your nose.
[Laughs]
Well, first thing I want to do
is see my mom.
Then I got this '41 Chevy
that I'm fixin' up.
A neighbor swapped me it
for one of our pregnant sows.
It sounds like
you come from farm country.
Yes, sir!
Iowa. Ottumwa, Iowa.
Nobody famous ever come from there...
except once, Eleanor Roosevelt's car
got stalled at our train crossing.
Some people heard the screaming,
and they said,
"That sounds
just like Eleanor Roosevelt!"
Well, there's my practice, of course.
I might just write a book
about my experiences here.
Possibly go into politics.
Would you give up medicine?
Some people think
I could be more useful if I did.
After the war what, Father?
Oh...
I, uh... I'd like to be...
warm and clean...
and hear confessions
and maybe run the C.Y.O.
I'd like to take six to seven months
and become unconscious.
Just sleep... not do anything,
not go anyplace...
not have anything asked of me.
Then I'd like to go to Europe
and sleep there for a year.
You want to say hello
to anybody back home?
You're kid... You mean on camera,
on TV I can say hello?
Hey, hey! You're kidding me.
I can really say hello on camera?
Yeah, I'd like to say hello
to my wife, LaVerne.
Won't be long now, honey,
I'll be home.
My mom and my dad, Butch...
That's his nickname, Butch...
and my sister, Yvonne, and, uh...
and all the guys there
at Leo's Grill and J And J's Sweet Shop.
Hey, hey, guys!
[Laughs]
I had to come over here to be a star.
[Laughs]
Would you like to say hello
to your family?
Oh, well, yes.
Hello.
Hello, darling.
Hi, sweetheart.
I love you.
We haven't got a TV.
The nearest one is over at Grange Hall
in, uh, Mooseville.
It's about 50 miles.
'Bout two-hour drive in the Chevy
or an hour by foot.
I'm sure your folks
would make the trip to see you.
Hi, Mom and Uncle Ed.
- Is this too personal?
- No.
It's Walter.
Um, I really miss you
and I love you.
Anyone at home you'd like to
say hello to, to send a message?
- They'll see it.
- Well, there is...
but I just don't think that's dignified,
so I won't do it.
[Laughs]
Oh, I don't have to say hello.
I know how everybody feels about me.
Yes, I'd like to say hello
to Harry Truman...
and I'd like to know
why Bess hasn't written me back.
You actually wrote her?
Yes, I wrote her
a very heartfelt letter.
Maybe she's too touched
to respond yet, huh?
No, I think she doesn't like me.
That's the only conclusion I can draw.
I was very specific
about what I liked about her.
I even suggested things.
She hasn't written back.
You'd think I'd have
at least heard from Harry.
Could have at least called
me a son of a [Beep].
He's done it for others.
These men and women with whom you work,
you want to see them after the war?
I'm torn between the idea
of the love I have for these people...
and wanting that relationship
to continue...
and wanting to erase all the memories
I have of this place.
Colonel,
you've spoken of the father figure.
Do you think that after the war
you'll want to maintain...
a friendship or a connection
with these young men and women
after this is over?
- Absolutely.
- Do you think you will?
I'm not sure about that...
but I hope I will,
and I hope they will with me.
'Cause I'm... [Clears Throat]
Excuse me.
[Clears Throat]
Very, very close...
to some of these young men...
and very honored
to be associated with them.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
- Three hours ago the enemy,
which prefers to attack at dawn...
did just that
about 18 miles north of here.
- The wounded have been
arriving ever since.
- Heads up.!
[Chattering]
[Radar]
Comin' in!
Now the people of this MASH
are doing the work that they do best...
but that they would
rather not be doing at all...
in a place they'd rather not be.
[Helicopter Approaches]
[Hawkeye]
A war is like when
it rains in New York...
and everybody crowds into doorways.
They all get chummy together...
perfect strangers.
The only difference, of course,
is in a war it's also raining
on the other side of the street...
and the people who are chummy
over there are trying to kill
the people here who are chums.
[Potter]
These guys aren't soldiers.
They're doctors.
[B.J.]
I'm a... temporarily
misassigned civilian.
[Klinger]
They give back life.
Can you do better?
[Radar]
I mean, I really wish
somebody would tell...
these people back home this.
[Mulcahy]
I just pray that somehow...
it will all seem to make sense.
[Hawkeye]
It's crazy.
The following is in black and white.
This is a room in Korea...
a room most of the men
fighting the second year of the war...
would rather not see.
This is an operating room in a MASH...
a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
There are five of these units
in South Korea.
The concept of treating wounded
close to the front...
this particular hospital
is just three miles from the fighting...
is being tested for the first time.
If anything can be said to be
a success in war, it is this concept.
By bringing the wounded
directly to the operating table...
by jeep, ambulance and helicopter...
these units have achieved
an effectiveness of 97%% .
In human terms, 97 out of every 100
wounded men brought here live.
Who are the people
behind that most impressive statistic?
We brought our camera
and our microphones here to find out.
Some of their saltier comments
have been deleted.
Do you see anything good at all
coming out of this war?
Yeah. Me. Alive.
That would be nice, if I could get out
of this alive. That would be great.
- You've been here some time.
- Somewhere between some time
and eternity.
Is there anything from home
that you brought over with you
to set up for yourself?
Creature comforts?
- I brought... I brought a book over.
- What book?
The dictionary. I figure
it's got all the other books in it.
I like to read the dictionary.
What do you feel was
the most difficult thing you
had to adjust to over here?
I think it's that
everything is painted green.
The clothes are green.
The food is green...
except the vegetables, of course.
The only thing that's not green
is the blood.
The blood is red.
That's what you get the most of here.
Number one with me is the toilet seats.
They give you slivers and splinters.
You can't really reach around
and take them out yourself.
Boy! That's when you find out
who your friends really are. Ha!
The almost criminal lack of respect
of military respect and discipline.
Some say that's too much
to expect of doctors.
I don't see any harm
in doctors being ordered to behave
as patriotically as possible.
Doesn't patriotism
have to come from the heart?
I don't have that problem.
You gotta understand.
I'm not working on sick people here.
I'm working on hurt young people...
with essentially healthy bodies
that have been insulted by ammunition.
What's the attitude of the boys
towards you, towards your work?
I try to get to know them,
but then there's so many.
They move through here pretty fast.
At least we hope they do.
I do hold services,
but, uh, well, they...
I don't pack 'em in, you know.
Not... Not that that's important.
They spread us religious fellows
rather thin over here.
'Course they spread everything
kind of thin over here.
I'm not complaining.
I don't mind being the only priest here.
It's sort of fun to have
a corner on the market, but...
Well, uh...
What was the question?
A lot of the boys
look up to you as a father figure.
Do you get that feeling?
I suppose they do, and that gets to be
a pain in the [Beep] too.
I don't mean that
in a nasty sort of a way.
I know it's perfectly natural.
That's what I think part of my duty
as a commanding officer is.
To accept that, and to give it back
in the best way that I can.
What do you do
when you're not working?
Then I specialize in boredom.
There must be a good deal of that.
- And let's not forget fright.
- Tell me about that.
The fright or the boredom?
We have a special on boredom this week.
[Laughs]
Tell me about the boredom.
- Do you mean what do
I do when I'm bored? Is that...
- Yeah. What do you do?
Uh, well, um...
I mostly do the same thing I do
when I'm not bored, only I do it slower.
Bored. How many times can
you watch those training films
they send over here?
V.D. Is the Enemy
and Don't Let This Happen to You.
I'd like it to happen to me
to break up the boredom.
Just kidding, honey.
You got a little woman back home?
I'm married, yeah.
LaVerne Esposito.
Terrific gal. Great gal.
She went to Toledo Waite High School.
That's on the Hungarian side of town.
Incidentally,
if you're ever in Toledo, Ohio,
on the Hungarian side of town...
Tony Paco's greatest Hungarian hot dogs,
with chili peppers, 35ct.
And a cold beer... Stroh's Bohemian.
And El Verso cigars.
Well, I, uh...
- I don't know if this is
interesting or anything.
- Go ahead.
Uh, I grow earthworms.
I, uh, dug a ditch... like a trench...
out behind the O.R.
I filled it up with peat moss and stu...
Well, not exactly peat moss,
'cause I couldn't requisition any.
So, what I did was...
Well, l... I took...
Well, you know
when they re-dig the latrine...
Can you say "latrine" on television?
Let's find out.
Well, anyhow,
there's lots of ash and stuff, you know.
I took that stuff,
and I put it in the hole.
Then I went looking for some earthworms.
I put them in there.
You know, earthworms double in 60 days.
They must really be in love.
Oh, there must be 160,000...
180,000 earthworms in there.
And now what happens?
Well, I figure I'd give most of them
away to the farmers around here...
'cause they need all the help
they can get.
And, uh, earthworms are really good
with dirt. Is this too technical?
- No, no. Go ahead.
- Well, uh...
I figure I'll give most of them
to the farmers, and the rest I'll race.
You race earthworms?
- Yeah. I got this cockroach
in a jar, you know?
- Yeah.
I didn't name him or nothing.
He's just number six.
One through five died.
Or maybe number six ate them.
I don't know.
They're pretty hard up too, you know?
Cockroaches. Over here.
Anyhow, I put him in this track
with the worm, and then I race 'em.
Unlike most of your doctors,
you're regular army.
This is my third war.
I was in the big one...
and the Second World War
and now Korea.
I hope war is getting smaller
as a trend.
I've been asking if something special
is coming out of this...
in the way of medical
or technical developments.
Oh, there are some things
that get a practical trying-out here...
that maybe wouldn't
with the same speed back home.
But when you counterbalance
that with the frightful expense...
the frightful destruction
and loss of life, I don't think
it's an equal balance.
Do you see anything good
coming out of this?
Not a damn thing.
I mean, Korea will become
a shining example of...
the American policy
of benign military intervention.
I think it's the most stupidest thing
in the world.
You call it a police action
back home, right?
Over here, it's a war.
"A police action" sounds like
we're over here arresting people...
handing out parking tickets.
War is just killing.
That's all.
Do you get scared, frightened?
Yeah, very frightened.
Very frightened.
- What do you lean on then?
- Mostly terror. There's always
terror to fall back on.
You know what it's like?
It's like a car accident.
You know,
everything goes into slow motion?
You suddenly see things
for the way they really are.
You say to yourself,
"Oh, so that's what it's like...
to have a bomb explode
a few feet away from me."
Do you ever get hit here?
Oh, they bombed the crap
out of us a number of times.
Uh, there, it's al... it's...
The beams shake, and the dust
falls into your patient. It's not nice.
Any other times you were afraid?
At night.
Sometimes at the beginning
of the night, sometimes...
before dawn.
When you realize
that you're not sleeping, and...
you suddenly
begin to think of where you are...
and what could happen to you.
Then you notice that the cot is shaking.
You wonder why the cot is shaking.
It's because your heart is pounding.
Sometimes I get frightened
for the patients we have to handle...
these young kids
that come in all shot up.
It's very difficult to observe all this
and not occasionally be scared by it.
How would you describe yourself?
Are you a captain
in the U.S. Army Reserves
or are you a civilian in uniform?
I'm a...
temporarily misassigned civilian.
Can you describe what you do?
Essentially, I'm on call
for all medical emergencies...
but I've never seen a situation here
that wasn't an emergency.
I did three amputations
before I had my first breakfast here.
Our surgeons, uh,
do what needs to be done.
Anesthesiologist one day,
orthopedist the next.
Psychologist pretty much all the time.
How in the world
do you keep your morale up?
I stopped having morale
about six months ago.
- It's not really morale
you have here either.
- What is it?
- Is it... pure survival instinct?
- Yes. Yeah, yeah.
It's like an overcoat that I take out
every once in a while and put on.
See, what I do is, I try to
provoke other people into disbelief.
Then when I see that disbelief
in their eyes, then I know I'm here.
Otherwise
it's like looking into a mirror
and not seeing anything.
Everybody's got that self-involved glaze
over their eyes a little bit.
They all have their own problems,
you know.
I think what it's like is, uh,
like what Milton Berle does for people.
They just can't believe it.
It gives them something to look at
for a while. It's like a public service.
How do you manage
to stay sane over here?
There are certain tricks
to staying sane...
little things you can do.
For instance, if you wear your underwear
outside your pants...
for three days straight
just to see who notices...
that's a very good way of staying sane.
- Is there anything from home...
- Actually, another thing you could do...
is you could get out in the road there,
where the jeeps are coming by...
and everybody stick your foot
out in front of the jeep.
The last one to pull his foot in...
is the sane one.
How did you pick the military
as a career?
I got into the cavalry as a kid,
excited by the glamour of it.
Then I went into medicine.
I don't say it isn't, and hasn't been,
especially in the olden days,
a glamorous occupation...
particularly the cavalry,
which was very romantic.
But remember those were the days
of Douglas Fairbanks...
and Francis X. Bushman too.
I love horses.
I'd rather spend a day with a horse,
still, than most of the people I know.
- Has this whole experience
changed you in any way?
- Certainly not.
I may care about things more
than I ever have before, because, uh...
there's so much more
to care about here.
On the other hand, I really don't
give a [Beep] what happens.
Just doesn't matter anymore, I think.
I mean,
I've seen so many people to whom...
killing is a casual thing.
I don't know how we manufacture
people like that, but it, uh...
It seems to me
that we'll never run out of them.
When I first came here,
I couldn't walk down a corridor...
full of wounded people
without being sickened by it.
Now I can walk down
without noticing them.
You have to use a mental anesthesia.
Otherwise you bleed
for everybody who's bleeding...
the refugees, the orphans...
the wounded children,
the other doctors and nurses.
If you get caught up in their misery
too deeply,
you get into a hole
you can't climb out of.
When the doctors...
cut into a patient...
and it's cold, you know...
the way it is now, today...
steam rises from the body...
and the doctor will...
will warm himself over the open wound.
Could anyone look on that
and not feel changed?
Captain, what about authority?
You have respect for authority
over here?
That's what really killed me
when I first came over here.
There were so many people
who thought they had a right
to tell me what to do.
That really was amazing.
I never saw anything like that.
My shoes!
You'd be surprised
how many people are interested in shoes
when you come into the army.
You don't meet many people
out in the real world...
who are interested in shoes
the way they are in the army.
It's a fascination for them.
You might even say a grand obsession.
It's pretty hard to have
the kind of authority here...
you would have in a regular army unit,
because these guys aren't soldiers.
They're doctors.
And, uh, you just can't handle them
the way you would regular army men.
And I don't want to...
because the results
wouldn't be what we're getting now.
Can you tell me about the people
with whom you're working?
Finest kind.
Everybody is terrific here.
Everybody pitches in.
The doctors carry litters.
The nurses check up on the doctors.
The nurses are great.
The nurses work very hard. They get...
They don't get nearly enough credit.
The nurses are preposterous.
Ladies doing work
that up until a very short time ago
I would have thought was man's work.
They do it so well
under every kind of circumstance...
bitter cold, horrendous heat...
literally under the gun.
They don't make nurses
better anywhere.
Perhaps that's not the best way
to phrase that.
Competent. Competent. Yes.
A woman...
especially, is so...
well, is a wonderful source
of comfort and tenderness...
and hope.
They give back life.
Can you do better?
Probably in school,
somewhere in the growing-up process...
you've read a lot of Hemingway and his
reports from Madrid in the Spanish War.
He romanticized that war.
I think you might agree.
Do you agree now with romanticizing war?
You know...
I used to love reading Hemingway...
'cause he wrote so well.
But now that I'm here,
I can't understand why anybody
would willingly go to a war...
would go with enthusiasm...
would want to be there
while it's happening.
I'd do anything to get out of here.
It's crazy.
- What about your colleagues?
- I only went as far as high school, sir.
Do you have any heroes over here,
anyone you look up to?
Oh, you mean the doctors.
The doctors are really terrific.
Heck, the doctors
are the whole ball game here.
I guess I'm my only hero,
but I'm too cowardly to admit it.
Nah, I don't...
I don't think I have any heroes.
My great hero would be
Abraham Lincoln, I think.
I think in so many ways
he was the most interesting
American that ever lived.
He would have been a great doctor.
Such a gentle man,
had such compassion, such humor...
and yet there was
a terrific toughness about him.
He was a real fighter
right up to the very end.
He was of the common people,
and he never lost that.
A man like Harry Truman
is that kind of man...
decent and earthy, forthright,
honest, not a buck-passer.
Men like Lincoln and Truman
if they had an assignment,
by God, they did it!
They didn't assume...
people are inclined to do, these days...
sort of weasel a decision.
They looked at the problem, acted...
and took the responsibility for it.
What do you think
of President Eisenhower?
Well, he's a general.
Do you ever get leave?
Of my senses.
The other kind
you don't get too much.
You take it wherever you can get it,
you know?
Once I went to Tokyo.
I won a contest.
- You have fun?
- Yeah, I had a lot of fun.
- What did you do?
- I don't remember.
I guess I got a little drunk.
You said something... You said
there's a lot of drinking around here.
Is there a lot of drinking here?
- Did I say that?
- Yeah, you said that.
"A lot" is a relative term.
We do considerable drinking
as opposed to sitting at home.
We do not enough drinking
as opposed to being here.
What do you think will happen
when the U.S. Leaves?
I don't know.
If I knew all the answers,
I'd run for God.
Do you get to meet the South Koreans?
Do you know them?
Yeah, they're n...
they're nice people.
I worry about 'em though.
We got a girl here that was...
you know, pregnant.
She doesn't have any money or anything.
I don't know how these kids live.
I mean, some of'em don't.
That's the God's honest truth.
Some of'em don't even live over here.
- Do you help them?
- We do the best we can...
but we haven't got...
I mean, we got just...
Sometimes
we got just enough for ourself.
Penicillin and stuff like that.
I mean, I really wish somebody
would tell these people back home this.
When you have to
look these kids in the face,
that's where it's really at.
I mean,
that's what the ball game really is...
is looking these kids in the face here.
Can you tell me what you miss most?
- Oh, you mean, back home-wise?
- Yes.
Well, my family of course... my wife,
my children. They're my strength.
I'm one of those that feels...
that marriage is the headstone
of American society.
Pistachio ice cream...
and bananas.
And pancakes.
I miss... And, uh, bacon frying.
The smell of bacon in the morning,
waking up to that.
It's a long time since I smelled that.
I miss my wife, of course...
miss my son, daughter-in-law.
I have a new baby grandchild.
I haven't seen her. I'd like to.
One of the things I miss the most...
is people my own age for companionship.
I'm old enough to be the father
of almost everyone around here,
and then some.
You just miss being able
to sit around and chew the fat
with somebody your own age...
somebody with your own background...
well, not background,
but your own experiences.
- [Helicopter Whirring]
- What about you, Doctor,
when the war is over?
I've got a lot of lost time
to make up to my family.
- Where is home?
- The Bay Area, San Francisco.
Specifically Mill Valley,
is where I live.
That's where Peg is,
and my daughter Erin.
She's lovely.
She squeezes your nose.
[Laughs]
Well, first thing I want to do
is see my mom.
Then I got this '41 Chevy
that I'm fixin' up.
A neighbor swapped me it
for one of our pregnant sows.
It sounds like
you come from farm country.
Yes, sir!
Iowa. Ottumwa, Iowa.
Nobody famous ever come from there...
except once, Eleanor Roosevelt's car
got stalled at our train crossing.
Some people heard the screaming,
and they said,
"That sounds
just like Eleanor Roosevelt!"
Well, there's my practice, of course.
I might just write a book
about my experiences here.
Possibly go into politics.
Would you give up medicine?
Some people think
I could be more useful if I did.
After the war what, Father?
Oh...
I, uh... I'd like to be...
warm and clean...
and hear confessions
and maybe run the C.Y.O.
I'd like to take six to seven months
and become unconscious.
Just sleep... not do anything,
not go anyplace...
not have anything asked of me.
Then I'd like to go to Europe
and sleep there for a year.
You want to say hello
to anybody back home?
You're kid... You mean on camera,
on TV I can say hello?
Hey, hey! You're kidding me.
I can really say hello on camera?
Yeah, I'd like to say hello
to my wife, LaVerne.
Won't be long now, honey,
I'll be home.
My mom and my dad, Butch...
That's his nickname, Butch...
and my sister, Yvonne, and, uh...
and all the guys there
at Leo's Grill and J And J's Sweet Shop.
Hey, hey, guys!
[Laughs]
I had to come over here to be a star.
[Laughs]
Would you like to say hello
to your family?
Oh, well, yes.
Hello.
Hello, darling.
Hi, sweetheart.
I love you.
We haven't got a TV.
The nearest one is over at Grange Hall
in, uh, Mooseville.
It's about 50 miles.
'Bout two-hour drive in the Chevy
or an hour by foot.
I'm sure your folks
would make the trip to see you.
Hi, Mom and Uncle Ed.
- Is this too personal?
- No.
It's Walter.
Um, I really miss you
and I love you.
Anyone at home you'd like to
say hello to, to send a message?
- They'll see it.
- Well, there is...
but I just don't think that's dignified,
so I won't do it.
[Laughs]
Oh, I don't have to say hello.
I know how everybody feels about me.
Yes, I'd like to say hello
to Harry Truman...
and I'd like to know
why Bess hasn't written me back.
You actually wrote her?
Yes, I wrote her
a very heartfelt letter.
Maybe she's too touched
to respond yet, huh?
No, I think she doesn't like me.
That's the only conclusion I can draw.
I was very specific
about what I liked about her.
I even suggested things.
She hasn't written back.
You'd think I'd have
at least heard from Harry.
Could have at least called
me a son of a [Beep].
He's done it for others.
These men and women with whom you work,
you want to see them after the war?
I'm torn between the idea
of the love I have for these people...
and wanting that relationship
to continue...
and wanting to erase all the memories
I have of this place.
Colonel,
you've spoken of the father figure.
Do you think that after the war
you'll want to maintain...
a friendship or a connection
with these young men and women
after this is over?
- Absolutely.
- Do you think you will?
I'm not sure about that...
but I hope I will,
and I hope they will with me.
'Cause I'm... [Clears Throat]
Excuse me.
[Clears Throat]
Very, very close...
to some of these young men...
and very honored
to be associated with them.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
- Three hours ago the enemy,
which prefers to attack at dawn...
did just that
about 18 miles north of here.
- The wounded have been
arriving ever since.
- Heads up.!
[Chattering]
[Radar]
Comin' in!
Now the people of this MASH
are doing the work that they do best...
but that they would
rather not be doing at all...
in a place they'd rather not be.
[Helicopter Approaches]
[Hawkeye]
A war is like when
it rains in New York...
and everybody crowds into doorways.
They all get chummy together...
perfect strangers.
The only difference, of course,
is in a war it's also raining
on the other side of the street...
and the people who are chummy
over there are trying to kill
the people here who are chums.
[Potter]
These guys aren't soldiers.
They're doctors.
[B.J.]
I'm a... temporarily
misassigned civilian.
[Klinger]
They give back life.
Can you do better?
[Radar]
I mean, I really wish
somebody would tell...
these people back home this.
[Mulcahy]
I just pray that somehow...
it will all seem to make sense.
[Hawkeye]
It's crazy.