M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 23 - Deluge - full transcript

[Applause]

[Announcer]
Here he is at Plymouth, England...

with this to say
about our G.I. 's in Korea.

Now, I have not the knowledge...

to enable me to predict...

how this Korean fighting will end.

But... But let me here express...

our admiration...

for the daring and skill...

with which the handful
of American soldiers...

three or four battalions at most...



who have as yet been brought
into action in Korea...

have fought their delaying action...

against overwhelming odds.

I really wasn't expecting
more wounded!

General MacArthur said the fighting
would be over by Christmas.

He didn't say what year.

He was referring
to the fighting between...

himself and Mrs. MacArthur.

She's got a different idea...

on how the war should be run.

- This is not a war. It's a police action.
- Why didn't they send cops?

[Announcer]
A night rendezvous
inside Wonsan Harbor...

with a stubborn Communist fort.

A spectacular display
of rocket firepower.



Look, Colonel. A hospital's
got to know what to expect.

If there's a push on,
give me some warning.

We're both in the same war,
you know.

I'm not over here
because I'm such a fan of diarrhea.

Now if you hear any...
Hello? Colonel? Colonel.

- Creeps.
- Who, sir?

Colonels.
You can't trust'em.

They're this far from making general.
They can taste those stars.

They'll do anything to get 'em.
Never mind if they don't deserve 'em...

if they don't know
their brass from their elbows.

Captains and majors are okay.
They're too far away.

They don't have to make points.
And generals usually relax
once they've made it...

although I had one in
the cavalry ordered all horses
corked before parades.

- Is that a beak?
- Uh, it's chicken, sir.

It's sort of a beak stew.

- That's surplus.
- Yes, sir.

Take it away. I sent this dinner
back in World War II.

[Man On P.A.]
Ambulance to the upper helipad.
Ambulance to the pad.

Incoming wounded.
South Korean infantry.

South Koreans are getting younger.

[Potter]
Complain to Syngman Rhee.

#Ah, sweet Syngman Rhee of life
at last I found you #

[Frank]
Can the balloon juice, Pierce!

Close.

Bad belly wound.
Got an arterial pumper.

- Need some help?
- You bet.

- Get me some gloves.
- Lap sponge.

Clamp. I'll try
to expose the bleeder.

I've been around overseas
at different times, visiting our boys.

They're a swell lot
doing a wonderful job...

to protect us here at home.

Many of them get wounded
or suffer from loss of blood, shock.

And blood or blood plasma
given in the field means... life itself.

Yes, just that.

Please, don't let those army, navy...

airmen and marines down.

Have a heart.
Give some blood.

- Ow. Ah!
- Father, irrigate his eye.

- B. J., you okay?
- [Potter] I've got it, B. J.

- Talk about your bloodshot eyes.
- [Hawkeye] Retract that.

Excellent.
A page-one retraction.

Ah. Ah, that's better.
Thanks.

Pretty good
with your hands, kid.

Can you get me
a tracheotomy at the Garden?

Let's try a couple of hernias
out of town first.

Get all their
personal possessions, Corporal.

Make sure they get a receipt and
file copies of your copy in triplicate.

[Sighs]
Major, I done this a hundred times.

I write to my mother in triplicate.
I got triplicate on the brain.

Somebody wants change for a ten,
I give 'em three fives.

- Get moving.
- Yes, ma'am, times three.

- Hey, Major, I already gave my things.
- What?

- My personal effects, right?
- Yes.

I already gave 'em
to some guy outside.

Tsk! You've been robbed, soldier.

A wounded soldier robbed...
in the middle of a war.

I don't know what's happening
to this army.

Me either.
That does it for me.

One more week,
and I'm through!

[Announcer]
At Laramie, the chief executive
speaks to the students...

at the University of Wyoming.

It's a fatherly talk.

I hope you will all make
the most...

of your opportunities here...

to fit yourselves to be good citizens
of the United States...

the greatest republic
the world has ever seen.

[Man]
Father, you got a second?

- Are you all right?
- That's my problem.

I'm all right.
Least the doctor said I was.

I don't think I understand.

When I got hit on the line...

I thought for sure
I was gonna die.

I had no idea they was gonna
pick me up and fix me so fast.

Well, we have the fastest docs
in the West.

Yeah, well, the thing of it is...

when I was out there...

layin' there, not knowin'...

I made a promise to God.

I said, "Dear God,
you get me out of this,
and I'll become a priest."

And he got you out of it.

And I don't wanna be a priest.

You think he'll understand?

If everyone who promised
to take the vow in a moment
of stress made good...

there'd be so many of us around...

it'd look like the priesthood
had had a population explosion.

Let me put that another way.

He'll understand.

[Laughs]
Ah, thanks for letting me
chew your ear, Father.

That's what they're there for.

- Got a chest or a belly wound?
- Legs.

You can have a beer.
Compliments of the doctors.

- I'd rather have some scotch.
- You're too young to drink.

You're lucky you didn't have
to show your I.D. To get shot.

Clean out the sink.

In the middle of a war,
I couldn't care less who wins.

For my money, I'll give you
Red China and six points...

or the other way around, and now
they got me scrubbin' sinks.

It's crazy, right?
No. Being in is sane.

You know my problem?
I played hard to get.

You do that,
and the army's got to have you.

Kid from my neighborhood...
really nuts... Archie Jagloff.

He fell into a sewer
when he was little.

He was always a little jerky after that.
Grew up to be a Nazi.

No kiddin'.
Tried to volunteer, join up.

Couldn't wait to come here,
drop anything from an "A" bomb
to a "Z" bomb.

The army turned him down...
said he had flat feet.

You know how he got flat feet?
Goose-steppin' in his basement.

Me they had to have.

I said I was nuts. They said,
"What's your religion?"

I said, "Aztec."
They said, "Stop joking."

I said, "Bring me a virgin.
I'll cut her heart out."

They looked into my ears.
I said, "Ah."

They said, "Stick out your tongue."
I pulled down my pants.

They called in the psychiatrist.
I kissed him on the mouth.

Know what the guy
in charge said?

"Keep this up,
and we'll make you an officer."

[Man]
Right through here. Watch the door.

[Man]
Right through here. Watch the door.

- Is it clean?
- [Klinger]
You gonna operate in the sink?

[B.J.]
We have to work underwater.
He's got phosphorus burns.

It's in the tissues. If
it hits the air, it can ignite.
Next thing, you got G.I. Flambe.

The guy could catch on fire? Wow.

- We're gonna need more sulfa.
- We're low on sulfa.

We've got enough saltpeter
for World War IX.

- Does that stuff really work?
- Search me, fella.

- What's happening?
- Cleaning the wound.

Debriding the necrotic
or loose tissue.

I don't know
how you guys do it.

Helps a little if you think
you're God. Over there.

All right.
I think that's all.

Copper sulfate.

This stuff coats and neutralizes
the little bits of phosphorous
that might still be in the leg.

- It helps to see where they are.
- How do you keep
all that stuff in your head?

- You wear earplugs
so it doesn't leak out.
- Turn off the lights.

Observe, Klinger.

[B.J.]
The solution fluoresces,
and we take out whatever shines.

[Hawkeye]
Like so.

And so.

And thus.

And this.

Lights.

- And the sulfa.
- Here.

- We'll leave the wound open.
Get him a bed.
- Right.

Boy, seeing the way you guys
work with the wounded...

the way you deal with burned-up legs,
ripped-up bellies...

makes me proud
every time I throw up.

[Announcer]
A mop-up expedition directed
at rooting out...

a band of Vietminh
Red terrorists...

who have made the swamp
their hideout.

Another Asian country brought
to violence and bloodshed...

by Communist conspirators who
have to be flushed like rats.

Take good care of him, Doc.

- Friend of yours, Radar?
- Somebody said he's from Iowa.

He's not from Iowa anymore.

Litter!

Gloves.

I can't believe the traffic.

- One short, Doctor.
- Don't tell me.

No. You used 11 sponges,
and we've only removed 10.

- Hotshot left a sponge in.
- Not now, Major.

What's the matter with the big honcho?
Losing his touch?

- Knock it off, Burns.
- I just wanna see if Dr. Perfect...

takes it as well
as he dishes it out.

One more word, Frank,
and I'll button your lip to your fly.

[Explosion]

- That was close.
- One of our mines.
Weather changes set 'em off.

- Are you sure about that sponge count?
- Yes, Doctor.

Amazing what can get stuck
in the human body.

My sister-in-law Rose swallowed
a dried apricot at her bridge club.

Ten minutes later,
she drank a glass of water.

The fruit expanded to its original size,
lodged in her duodenum.

They rushed her to the hospital...

called me and I had to perform
an "apricotectomy."

- A little suction.
- [Helicopter Whirring]

[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.

According
to supreme headquarters...

the Army of the People's
Republic of China...

has hit and ruptured
the entire United Nations line.

The Chinese have attacked
with 33 divisions.

That's, uh, 300,000 men, folks.

According to headquarters,
we now face an entirely new war.

That's for those of you
who were tired of the old one.

- Doctor.
- Oh, good.

[Speaks Chinese]
That's Chinese for "thank you."

No sense wasting time.

[Whirring Continues]

##["Tennessee Waltz"]

[No Audible Dialogue]

- Radar?
- Here.

- Have the nurse start some plasma, stat!
- Lieutenant Gage!

There are four other MASHes.
Call to see if they can
give us some help.

- I got it.
- They're flocking in here
like we got a white sale.

- X rays.
- Lieutenant, litter number one.
We want plasma, stat.

Okay, you can sit on a bench
out there. Don't run any races.

I found this in his pocket.

He was going on leave tomorrow,
to Tokyo.

And so he will.

[Cheering]

[General MacArthur]
Again, my thanks...

and deepest appreciation...

from both Mrs. MacArthur
and myself...

for your heartwarming reception.

We shall never forget it.

You have made us feel...

that we are indeed... home.

I, for one, am glad the Chinese
have finally gotten into the show.

- We'll obliterate them all.
- All 600 million, Frank?

Most of'em don't wanna
be Reds anyway.

- Then why kill 'em?
- Well, they can't have it both ways.

[Announcer]
The people are here
to watch famous folk...

in the National Celebrities
Golf Tournament in Washington.

And Milton Berle clowns
with Danny Kaye.

- Now look at me. Look at me.
- [Screams]

Easy does it, Danny Boy.

- Burns.
- Sir?

Be sure not to sew up
any contaminated wounds.

Is the colonel suggesting
my work is careless?

Not at all. I just know
how hard it is to operate...

and be secretary of state
at the same time.

Now Danny addresses the ball,
and it turns out to be the wrong address.

And here comes Bob Hope,
the casual and clever comedian...

contriving to perform a putt
with pool-like perfection.

How about that?

Um, sir, are you busy?

Just putting a new hinge
on this bladder, Radar.

- What is it?
- Uh, cook wants to know
how you feel about the dinner.

- Mostly nauseous.
- It's just that he's got some wounded...

in the mess tent
and he's not sure what to do.

Did you call about the plasma?

- The lines are all jammed.
- Unjam 'em.

- Yes, sir.
- [B.J.] Radar.

- What happened to your glasses?
- Oh, I slipped and fell on the bus.

- It's kind of bloody.
- Can you see?

Oh, yes, sir. Everything...
just a few times more than I'm used to.

I sort of know
how a fly feels.

- Get on the plasma, Radar.
- I'll get on the plasma.

Hey, put out that cigarette.
There's a lot of ether in there.

- Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella.
- And I'm a captain, fella...

which means if we're blown up,
I'll fly higher than you.

- So put it out.
- Sorry, sir.

This area is only
for hospital personnel.

- I got a buddy in there.
- Everybody's got a buddy in there.

We'll keep you posted.
Let you know the minute
it's a boy or a girl.

Hi, Dusty.
Yeah, it's Radar.

Oh, I'm fine.
Well, not really.

I'm closer to lousy than fine.

Listen, Dusty. We got a terrible
plasma problem here.

No, plasma. Yeah.

All of our stock is over 21 days old.
We're not supposed to use it then.

- H-How's your outfit fixed?
- [Thunder Rumbling]

No kidding. Hey, listen.
Maybe we can make a swap then, huh?

Let me get my quartermaster
sheet out here.

Hey, we got rain here.
You too?

Wonder why the army
ordered that.

Okay. Hold on now. Listen.
This is gonna be a little rough, Dusty.

I broke my glasses, and it's like
looking through an ice cube.

Uh, how would you like
some, uh... Wait a minute.

Hey, would you like
some jeep butter?

No. No. That's, uh...
Uh, jeep batteries.

We got two extra. No, huh?

Well, let's see.
We got Bunsen burners, throat swabs.

Hey! You can't pass this up.

The quartermaster made a mistake
and sent us 5,000 extra rolls
of toilet paper.

Yeah. Well, I know it's a lot...

but maybe you could start
your own newspaper.

Colonel Potter,
I want to see you.

One step closer, and
you'll get the whole picture.

I just heard something
disturbing, and if it's true...

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to fight you.

- You might at least let me
get into my trunks.
- It can't wait.

Well, fire ahead then.

Is it true you might
ship us out... the nurses?

Major, the Chinese are
pouring over the border...

like the country's
sprung a leak.

It's a drastic situation.
The nurses have to be evacuated.

- Colonel, you don't understand.
- It won't be the first time.

The service is my life.
I was born in an army hospital.

- Started in khaki diapers, eh?
- Mother and I followed Dad...

to every army post
he was assigned to...

Benning, Ord, Dix, Kilmer.

The army was all I knew.
I had no idea what a civilian was.

I thought it was somebody
waiting for his uniform
to come back from the cleaners.

When I was five, I had a crying fit
because they wouldn't let me
have a crew cut.

I was born to serve, Colonel.
You must let me!

I'd rather not have the nurses
in the path of the fighting.

I can look after my girls.

- Things could get ugly.
- [Explosion]

Uglier than our own mines
trying to kill me?

Uglier than rats mating
in my duffel bag?

I get your point.

[Announcer]
Arriving in New York, Rita Hayworth...

film queen who became
a real-life princess...

by marrying the heir
of the fabulous Aga Kahn.

You know, the first thing
I'm going to do...

is go out
and get myself a hot dog.

I'd like to give you
about 20 more sutures, pal...

but business is just too good.

Okay, Lieutenant,
he's ready to reenlist.

- Fresh gloves. Somebody, please.
- All out, sir.

- I beg your pardon.
- That's it for the gloves.

They're torn, shot,
finished, eighty-sixed.

How can a hospital run out?
How can we operate without gloves?

[Announcer]
Meet Dagwood, a female feline
featuring prodigious prowess...

at Ping-Pong
in Portland, Oregon.

The amazing mouser reveals
fantastic finesse.

Dagwood is just purring along.

The eight-year-old tabby
can really volley, by golly.

And the score is now one-itch.

Dagwood, you're really
the cat's whiskers.

How about 400 thermometers?

Oh, they make
nice Christmas decorations.

You know,
they look like little icicles.

Oh. Well, wait a minute.
We'll find something.

Hey! Hey.

You ever, uh, read
The Tropic of Cancer...

or The Tropic of"Coppercan"?

They're the books.
But I mean books.

Yeah. They're published
in, uh, France.

Yeah! Do I need
to tell ya any more?

They're really somethin'!
No kidding.

They'll get you through
the war without a leave.

Really? Ah, terrific!

Yeah. Okay.
How much plasma do l...

do I get?
[Grunts]

I'd hate it here
without the nurses.

- They're the only reason I stay.
- This isn't bad.

- What is it?
- You didn't know him, Father.

"A soldier of the legion
lay dying in Algiers.

"It was a lack
of woman's nursing.

There was a dearth
of woman's tears."

Caroline Elizabeth
Sarah Norton.

- You know a lot of poetry.
- I went through school on
a scholarship from Burma Shave.

- You know any?
- I got a beaut,
but not in front of the father.

[Sighs]
Oh, Hawkeye.

You know, Father...

standing there with the light
hitting you the way it does...

- Yes?
- You look just like a "B" girl
I knew in San Diego.

It's quite possible.

I worked my way
through divinity school
as a "B" girl in San Diego.

[Laughing]
Oh, Father.

Look out, Dagwood.

Hey, I fell asleep.

- Where can I find my buddy?
- Your buddy's got a name?

- Bender. Jack Bender.
- Try the hospital.

- Where's that?
- Two doors down.

It's a beautiful white building...

with the statue
of Lionel Barrymore in front.

Hit me with the alcohol,
Margaret.

Barehanded surgery.

Now practicing
the Tarzan School of Medicine.

[Thunderclap]

Room seems to have
a weak bladder.

- I smell something burning.
- I do hope it's not the crepes.

- Watch your language!
- Clamp.

Criminy!
Klinger, look at that!

- How'd that happen?
- How do I know? Douse it, will ya?

Stand back.

- Hey, are you crazy?
- I thought it was water.

- It's alcohol.
- Can you imagine
what that does to your stomach?

You moron!
I have to do everything myself!

The laundry is on fire.

I was wondering when things
would get interesting.

- Is it under control?
- Well, O'Reilly and Klinger
are working on it.

- It'll be fine.
- Holy mackerel!

- The blind leading the blind.
- [B. J.] Nice thought
for a hospital, Frank.

[Hawkeye]
Never at a loss for the wrong phrase.

Why don't we go outside
where it's dry and work?

Corpsman, another bucket here.

- Thank you, Major.
- [Bulb Pops]

- Help! I'll get some light!
- What happened!

- Bulb got wet! Glass in the patient!
- Father, more pickups.

- [Man] Pickups coming up.
- Thanks.

Colonel, I don't know
how to tell you this,
but I've had a better offer.

Take me with you.

The fire's out. There's nothing
to worry about. Sandwiches...

- [Indistinct Shouting]
- Cover the patients!

[Radar]
What are you doing? It took me
three weeks to requisition that!

- [Shouting Continues]
- [Radar] Holy cow.!

[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.

By direction of the secretary
of the army...

under AR220315...

the Meritorious
Unit Commendation is awarded...

to the Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital, 4077 unit...

for exceptionally
meritorious conduct...

in the performance
of outstanding services.

Despite the necessity
of working in a forward area...

under adverse field conditions...

this hospital maintained
the highest professional
standards at all times.

The ability, loyalty and esprit de corps
exhibited by this hospital...

reflects great credit
on each and every member.

Just wanted to thank you
for staying.