M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 11 - Of Moose and Men - full transcript
Hawkeye saves the life of a colonel who wants him reprimanded for disrespect. B.J. tries to save the marriage of a friend who found out his wife is cheating on him, and Frank is paranoid that all Koreans are hiding or burying bombs.
[Jeep Engine Racing]
- [Frank] Slow it down, Pierce.!
- Yes, Frank.
- Come on, watch it!
- Yes, dear.
- Hey, stop!
- What?
Stop here.
- Are you crazy, Frank?
- I wanna get a shot of this.
- [Gunshots]
- So do they! Get in!
[Gunshots Continue]
[Frank] Letting her go
without a search, Sergeant?
- Mind your branch of the service.
- That's perfect camouflage for a bomb.
A bomb? The woman's obviously
eight-months gone with a Sherman tank.
- Enemy infiltration's everywhere, chum.
And it's not funny.
- [Horn Honking]
[Honking Continues]
- [Hawkeye] Sorry, Colonel.
- You idiot.
- I said I was sorry.
- Sorry don't feed the bulldog!
You want me to launder it? I know
a great little rock down by the stream.
- Who is this man, Major?
- Captain Pierce, sir.
Personally, I'm Major Burns.
We're surgeons with the 4077.
You don't care a hoot
about military courtesy, do you?
All you doctors care about
is medicine.
I don't sir.
I mean, I'm different.
You operate the same way you drive?
With your eyes closed?
Colonel, yesterday a Korean bus hit
a mine a couple of miles up the road.
We spent the entire night sewing
80 pieces of anatomy into 40 civilians.
I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired
and I'm sorry about your uniform.
If you send me your size,
I'll knit you a new one.
How goes it, Zale?
Terrific. If it was goin'
any better, I'd kill myself.
Sergeant, you can't drink
this early in the morning.
I know. I keep trying.
What is it?
Or do you mind telling me?
I don't mind telling you.
It's bourbon. You want some?
I had just enough bourbon
last night.
Unfortunately, I had
just enough gin as well.
- Letter.
- [Explosion]
Sounds like the truce talks
are going well.
Nine years we were married.
The woman's body was sacred to me.
Lying next to her
was like being in church.
- I had no idea you were so religious.
- Read this.
I've read those letters.
"Funny thing happened, dear.
One of your suits came back
from the cleaners with
somebody else in it." Right?
I'll read it.
- It says here she's sorry.
She loves you.
- Yeah, sorry.
Loves me, loves me. Sorry.
Has an affair with the joker next door
and she wants me to forgive her.
- She says it's you she wants, not him.
- I'll never get her back.
He'll keep her in the closet
with the power drill he never returned.
One married man to another. The woman
that wrote that deserves another chance.
Yeah, I'll give her another chance.
I'll stick a grenade in her girdle.
A little understanding, huh?
She may have done it for you.
To get your power drill back.
Zale, scream, cry, yodel, anything.
But don't hit. Don't...
You hit.
Congratulations, Sergeant. You just
turned your right hand into a maraca.
After I set it, you can
sit in with the relief band.
- How come I don't feel no pain?
- It's swimming upstream
against the bourbon.
Corpsman! Let's go!
I need some bodies here!
We got two for pre-op. I need
some whole blood and some sedation.
I give the orders here, Captain.
Let's get him into pre-op.
- We need whole blood and sedation.
- I wish I'd said that.
- What have we got?
- Grenade fragments.
Checkpoint just down the road.
- We almost bought it ourselves, sir.
- Oh, we did not.
This one's an enemy infiltrator.
Be careful. He could be rigged.
Right. His shorts
could go off any second.
Listen, bub, I almost
got killed out there.
All right, Major.
Don't get your clusters in an uproar.
- Move 'em.
- Put me down. That's an order.
What's the problem, Colonel?
I demand transportation
to the 121 st Evac Hospital.
This is where you want your surgery.
You're at the best MASH unit in Korea.
Give or take a few thumbs.
- I don't want that man touching me.
- We met.
- He outdid himself in rudeness.
- Thanks, Frank.
Get started on the Korean.
Someone got a sedative for this man?
- Yes, sir.
- Why do I have to work on the Korean?
I mean, he always gets the cowboys
and I'm stuck with the Indians.
I'm one-fourth Cherokee.
Oh.
How.
- What are you doing back there?
- Stealing a smoke.
- Just lower his pants.
- I'll have your butt for this.
Seems only fair.
He'd sink to the bottom
of the pool with that in him.
- I hear ticking.
- Did you check his navel
for a time bomb, Frank?
Don't think I didn't, fella.
Ah, give me a knife.
- What are you doing?
- Extending the incision.
Have a large rib retractor ready.
After I retract the lung,
you'll see why.
Shrapnel in the heart muscle.
A simple rearrangement
of God's handiwork by explosives.
- Pipe down, will ya?
- He's dying as quietly as he can, Frank.
- Suction here.
- Can't trust any of these people.
- More here.
- Treacherous, deceitful.
- Pickups with teeth.
- And clever, boy. They don't
all look alike by accident.
[Groans]
[Sighs] Good.
Very good.
Six-year-old cuts into a box
of Cracker Jacks to find the prize.
And the next thing he knows,
he's a surgeon.
A crackerjack surgeon.
[Laughs]
Nice of you to write
this letter for me, Captain.
I plaster hands and
cement relations. Dear who?
Hillda. That's with two "L's."
Captain Hunnicutt, one of the docs here,
is writin' this letter for me.
Slow down. My dictation cost me
my last eight jobs.
Oh. Because my right hand...
is out of action.
- Better?
- Go on.
Where do I take it from there?
War is a time of loneliness
and deprivation for a soldier...
- I like that.
- And for the wife he leaves behind.
But I see you kicked
the loneliness habit...
and you ain't been
so deprived either.
Try again.
When I read your letter,
naturally I was hurt.
- To the quick.
- Yeah, there too.
Nine years I gave that woman
love, trust and devotion!
And how does she pay me back?
She cheats on me!
- Easy! The class theme is forgiveness.
- Forgive her? Forget it.
I made that woman a queen.
Whatever she wanted!
Hi-fi, a beaver coat,
her own bowling shoes.
I sent her brother through college.
I paid for every tooth
in her mother's head.
You're clearly a humanitarian.
One more humane act.
- Humane? I'll show you humane.
- Don't!
The right hand got away with it,
the left one goes to the stockade.
Ahh. Where was I?
Try this. You're a beautiful woman,
Hillda, and a lovely wife.
- And I very much want
to spare you any more pain.
- I don't know about that.
[Man Over P.A. System]
Attention, Captain Hunnicutt.
Please report to the hospital.
Major Burns probably taped himself
to a patient again. We'll finish later.
Yeah, right.
Whatever she wanted!
Charm bracelet, steam iron...
plastic wedgies.
[Squawking]
Oooh, Charlie tastes good!
- Everyone here, Corporal?
- All presently accounted for, sir.
Who's this one?
- [Radar]
This is Mr. Park, the peddler, sir.
- Oh, yes.!
You can get anything from Mr. Park,
including a bullet in the head.
- Confiscate this weapon.
- That's not a weapon, sir.
It's a lighter.
Interesting, most interesting.
Yes. Hmm.
This is Kim, the houseboy, sir.
Kim is very good at repairing
electric shavers and things.
Uh-huh, and wiring a stick or two
of dynamite together, eh, Kim?
Blow up a few white devils?
Uh, this is Mrs. Shin.
She does the laundry for the nurses.
Are you aware, Corporal,
that you can shave a bar of soap...
turn it into powder, set a detonator
inside, and pow... it'll explode?
Sure kill the laundry, wouldn't it?
- This is Charlie, her son.
- [Frank]
That's an innocent-looking child.
- He's six years old.
- That's what they all say.
That size, yeah.
That juvenile appearance.
Be perfect cover
for who knows what.
- Major!
- And what's this, huh?
It's a sandwich.
It may look like a sandwich,
but you open it and it's...
Ham.
No eating in the ranks.
- From now on, camp security
will be tight as a drum.
- Yes.
No more door-to-door peddling.
No more come and go as you "likee."
Every morning you all see
the guard for a pass.
You will keep your soap visible
and in bar form...
and exit the area
no later than 1:00 p.m.
And you, no more freeloadin'
in the mess tent. You savvy?
- Will that be all, sir?
- Just about, Corporal.
- [Loud Banging]
- Hit the deck!
Just a baseball, sir.
Must have gotten away from somebody.
- It might've been one of theirs.
- I don't think they play baseball.
Here you go, Lieutenant.
- [Lieutenant] Thanks, Radar.
- Yo.
- Shall I dismiss the locals now, sir?
- Yeah, I guess.
- He wants ten bucks for the lighter.
- I'll take it.
- But I'll only give him five.
- Seven-fifty.
- Seven-fifty?
- It's his country.
- Six and not a penny more.
- I can't say six in Korean.
- Say five and 100 pennies.
- Six and 100 pennies.
- Done.
- Seven bucks.
- Huh?
- Oh, I woke you. I'm sorry.
No, no, let's try it again
tomorrow at my place.
- Have you been here all night?
- Every c.c. Of it.
Lieutenant Snyder wasn't on duty
to do her nails. She's a nurse.
No offense. He needed a doctor,
not a nurse.
Twice his chest tubes
plugged up on him.
If I wasn't here, he'd have been
busted down to cadaver.
- How's he doing?
- Fine. Respiration's normal,
and no blood through the tube.
- Then he'll live.
- I've been trying to break it
to you as gently as possible.
Couple of months, he'll be out checking
natives under the armpits again.
There's only one reason
this man didn't die.
H.Q. Didn't cut him his orders.
- I've never seen you work better.
- Somebody tell him.
Somebody will, I'm sure.
In the meantime, I'd like
to congratulate you myself, Doctor.
I'm honored, touched and aroused.
Why must you always spoil things?
I'll kiss whatever you like
and make it better.
How 'bout you?
A bomb!
They're burying a bomb!
- He's just come out of it, sir.
- Good.
Well, you're gonna be all right,
Colonel. The worst is over.
- Colonel.
- Yes?
That officer, Pierce.
An oddball.
Must make an example of him.
He already is a fine example
of an oddball officer. The best.
Has no respect for the uniform.
Well, he's never in it anyway.
No respect for authority.
- No respect for the war.
- Whoa, Colonel. Whoa.
I demand disciplinary action
against him.
If you don't take it, I will.
You? You're only a bunch
of tubes running in and out.
You have to go to the latrine
by remote control. You're a sick man.
You'd be napping at the morgue
if it wasn't for Pierce working on you.
Hmm?
He operated? Not you?
Lucky for you, yes.
But the last thing I said...
Would've been the last.
If Pierce wasn't your surgeon,
you'd be a bag of cold cuts.
Jumpin'jodhpurs, man.!
I'm regular army too.
Hash marks down to the ground.
I started in the cavalry. Learned to
look at life from the top of a horse.
Sometimes I feel I'm still on a horse,
only I'm looking down at a horse's...
I'm not criticizing
your command, Colonel.
It's that... that goof-off.
That goof-off saved your can!
You're alive and kicking,
kicking like an army mule...
because of that man's skill
and dedication as a surgeon.
Sufferin' saddle soap!
You owe your life to that man!
[Radar Laughing] It's a miss.!
Yeah. Okay, ready for my shot?
Okay, G-3. Right.
- We're playing Battleship.
- Not getting enough war around here?
[Squeals] I did it! I won!
I sunk a carrier! Imagine, a carrier!
- Round of drinks for the bridge.
- Sparky, I gotta go now.
Right. Over and out. Thanks. Boy,
I never won before. This is terrific.
- Congratulations, Admiral.
- Aw, thanks.
- Have you seen Sergeant Zale?
- Yeah, I tied his shoelaces
for him about 20 minutes ago.
- Where was that?
- In front of his tent.
- He's not out in front of
his tent, nor is he inside.
- Did you try the officers' club?
Yeah. They untied his shoelaces
last night. He hasn't been back since.
- I don't know then.
- If he shows up, tie both
his shoes together and call me.
- I finished his letter.
- Okay.
You like your ice cream all mushy?
Mushier the better.
You like Chinese food?
Like to walk in the rain?
- Yes, sir.
- You could've been my wife.
Yes, sir.
- Sir? He might be with his moose.
- Again, Radar?
I said, Sergeant Zale
might be with his moose.
[Laughs]
The sergeant has a moose?
Sir, a moose is a Korean girlfriend
of the opposite sex.
This one's hut is down
the road by the bend near
where we bury the arms and legs.
- How's the colonel?
- Stable.
- Respiration okay?
- Fine.
- Temperature? B.P.? Pulse?
- All normal.
They sure don't write emergencies
the way they used to.
It wasn't an emergency.
He was... just anxious to see you.
- Any idea why?
- To thank you?
Colonel.
Captain Pierce.
I just had a talk
with your C.O. About you.
My stethoscope was burning.
Said you did a...
bang-up job on me.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Thank him. He's the one that said it.
Well, don't you have anything
you want to say about my bang-up job?
I'm not your commanding officer.
I just thought that, considering
you came in here in more pieces
than a Tinkertoy...
and considering I busted
my butter knife to put all those
pieces back together again...
you just might want
to say "thank you" too.
I'm an artillery officer, Pierce.
I've bombed the hell out of targets you
couldn't see if you stood on top of'em.
And nobody ever thanked me.
Oh.
Colonel, just exactly what
did you want to see me about?
Your C.O., he's a good man.
I've got a lot of respect for him.
As a personal favor to him...
I'm not gonna lower the boom on you.
- You're not...
- Although God knows I should.
And that hat...
and robe, no shave.
You're a disgrace to your commission.
Nevertheless, you're not
gonna lower the boom.
Yeah. I'm lettin' you off the hook.
Letting me off the hook!
- This time.
- Yeah.
And next time, watch it.
Colonel Spiker, sir...
I don't know how
to thank you for this.
- Mmm, Captain Pierce?
- Yes, sir?
Forget it.
Forget it?
He told me to forget it!
Another bottle here.
Put it on my tab.
Bless you, sir, bless you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[Knocking]
Good morning, ma'am.
Can I interest you in a year's
subscription to Shack and Garden?
Thank you.
- Hey, Doc! Come on in.
- Very nice. Right cozy.
Yeah. Uh, have a couple of eggs?
Fresh off the lawn.
Eggs Benedict Arnold, right?
Nourishing, but treacherous.
- Eggs what?
- No, thanks.
- Uh, some coffee then?
- Had my fill at the mess tent.
You remember the mess tent,
don't you, Sergeant?
We met there yesterday while
you were drinking some antifreeze.
Her name is Sooky.
How do you do, Sooky?
She don't understand
a word of English.
- Who is your interpreter?
- Don't need none.
She practically reads my mind.
I wasn't thinking that.
So, you bagged yourself a moose.
Well, uh, you... Yeah.
Need a hunting permit?
Or just rewrite your marriage license?
Who knows when we could
be knocked off, Doc.
You know, we're three miles
from the front.
That's pretty close to the action.
Yes. Some of us are a little closer
to the action than others.
I don't make up the rules.
I mean, I'm a man, you know?
It's not the same with a man.
- Carry your own double standard
into battle, Zale.
- What's this?
I took the liberty of finishing
your letter to Mrs. Zale, East.
All it needs is your John Hancock,
or Syngman Rhee, if you like.
Ah. Pretty understanding, ain't I?
Yeah, well, you're just
that kind of guy.
"To wrap it up, honey:
'To err is human, to forgive divine."'
Or as in your case,
the other way around.
Give me your pen.
- What are you doing, Frank?
- You're gonna have to move.
I'm not moving. I called ahead
six months ago for this field.
- Go play someplace else.
- I'm warning you.
You could be in danger.
No, Frank, you could be in danger.
I'm very tired, Frank. You know how
cranky I get when I haven't had my nap.
Listen, you could be sitting
on the biggest bomb in Korea!
Frank, I think it's only fair
to warn you that my falcon
will be here in 30 seconds.
It's over here, Private. This way.
- What's Frank up to?
- I think he's vacuuming Korea.
Eisenhower's coming.
He wants everything just so.
- Can I help?
- I saw two natives burying
a bomb out here.
Obviously to destroy
the whole installation.
- Frank, you're paranoid.
- I am not.
- When did you see it?
- When I was checking
my toothpaste for explosives.
You were checking your
toothpaste for explosives, Gracie?
- Sir, here. Fresh earth.
- What?
I saw that! It was with
Paul Muni and Luise Rainer.
Dig, Private. Dig, dig, dig, dig!
Back, everybody, back.
- That's far enough.
- I think I've hit something, sir.
Well, lift it out... very carefully.
Paranoid, huh?
[Laughs]
- What smells?
- Frank's bomb.
Don't!
It's a kimchi pot, Frank. Kimchi!
Pickled cabbage.
They ferment it in the ground.
There are millions of these
buried all over Korea.
I'd get title to this land,
Major, before word gets out.
- Huh?
- Don't you understand, man?
You've struck cole slaw.
Let's hear it
for the major, folks.
Isn't he great?
He'll be back, folks...
just after he changes
for the 11:00 bomb.
## [Radio]
Hard day at the office?
I put a colonel back together.
I used the spare parts of two majors.
Good thinking.
- You?
- Nothing today.
Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday.
Got a "Dear John" from his wife,
and tried to go ten rounds
with the mess tent stove.
Un, deux, trois.
What? What? What?
Fastest lighter in the West.
- [Frank] Slow it down, Pierce.!
- Yes, Frank.
- Come on, watch it!
- Yes, dear.
- Hey, stop!
- What?
Stop here.
- Are you crazy, Frank?
- I wanna get a shot of this.
- [Gunshots]
- So do they! Get in!
[Gunshots Continue]
[Frank] Letting her go
without a search, Sergeant?
- Mind your branch of the service.
- That's perfect camouflage for a bomb.
A bomb? The woman's obviously
eight-months gone with a Sherman tank.
- Enemy infiltration's everywhere, chum.
And it's not funny.
- [Horn Honking]
[Honking Continues]
- [Hawkeye] Sorry, Colonel.
- You idiot.
- I said I was sorry.
- Sorry don't feed the bulldog!
You want me to launder it? I know
a great little rock down by the stream.
- Who is this man, Major?
- Captain Pierce, sir.
Personally, I'm Major Burns.
We're surgeons with the 4077.
You don't care a hoot
about military courtesy, do you?
All you doctors care about
is medicine.
I don't sir.
I mean, I'm different.
You operate the same way you drive?
With your eyes closed?
Colonel, yesterday a Korean bus hit
a mine a couple of miles up the road.
We spent the entire night sewing
80 pieces of anatomy into 40 civilians.
I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired
and I'm sorry about your uniform.
If you send me your size,
I'll knit you a new one.
How goes it, Zale?
Terrific. If it was goin'
any better, I'd kill myself.
Sergeant, you can't drink
this early in the morning.
I know. I keep trying.
What is it?
Or do you mind telling me?
I don't mind telling you.
It's bourbon. You want some?
I had just enough bourbon
last night.
Unfortunately, I had
just enough gin as well.
- Letter.
- [Explosion]
Sounds like the truce talks
are going well.
Nine years we were married.
The woman's body was sacred to me.
Lying next to her
was like being in church.
- I had no idea you were so religious.
- Read this.
I've read those letters.
"Funny thing happened, dear.
One of your suits came back
from the cleaners with
somebody else in it." Right?
I'll read it.
- It says here she's sorry.
She loves you.
- Yeah, sorry.
Loves me, loves me. Sorry.
Has an affair with the joker next door
and she wants me to forgive her.
- She says it's you she wants, not him.
- I'll never get her back.
He'll keep her in the closet
with the power drill he never returned.
One married man to another. The woman
that wrote that deserves another chance.
Yeah, I'll give her another chance.
I'll stick a grenade in her girdle.
A little understanding, huh?
She may have done it for you.
To get your power drill back.
Zale, scream, cry, yodel, anything.
But don't hit. Don't...
You hit.
Congratulations, Sergeant. You just
turned your right hand into a maraca.
After I set it, you can
sit in with the relief band.
- How come I don't feel no pain?
- It's swimming upstream
against the bourbon.
Corpsman! Let's go!
I need some bodies here!
We got two for pre-op. I need
some whole blood and some sedation.
I give the orders here, Captain.
Let's get him into pre-op.
- We need whole blood and sedation.
- I wish I'd said that.
- What have we got?
- Grenade fragments.
Checkpoint just down the road.
- We almost bought it ourselves, sir.
- Oh, we did not.
This one's an enemy infiltrator.
Be careful. He could be rigged.
Right. His shorts
could go off any second.
Listen, bub, I almost
got killed out there.
All right, Major.
Don't get your clusters in an uproar.
- Move 'em.
- Put me down. That's an order.
What's the problem, Colonel?
I demand transportation
to the 121 st Evac Hospital.
This is where you want your surgery.
You're at the best MASH unit in Korea.
Give or take a few thumbs.
- I don't want that man touching me.
- We met.
- He outdid himself in rudeness.
- Thanks, Frank.
Get started on the Korean.
Someone got a sedative for this man?
- Yes, sir.
- Why do I have to work on the Korean?
I mean, he always gets the cowboys
and I'm stuck with the Indians.
I'm one-fourth Cherokee.
Oh.
How.
- What are you doing back there?
- Stealing a smoke.
- Just lower his pants.
- I'll have your butt for this.
Seems only fair.
He'd sink to the bottom
of the pool with that in him.
- I hear ticking.
- Did you check his navel
for a time bomb, Frank?
Don't think I didn't, fella.
Ah, give me a knife.
- What are you doing?
- Extending the incision.
Have a large rib retractor ready.
After I retract the lung,
you'll see why.
Shrapnel in the heart muscle.
A simple rearrangement
of God's handiwork by explosives.
- Pipe down, will ya?
- He's dying as quietly as he can, Frank.
- Suction here.
- Can't trust any of these people.
- More here.
- Treacherous, deceitful.
- Pickups with teeth.
- And clever, boy. They don't
all look alike by accident.
[Groans]
[Sighs] Good.
Very good.
Six-year-old cuts into a box
of Cracker Jacks to find the prize.
And the next thing he knows,
he's a surgeon.
A crackerjack surgeon.
[Laughs]
Nice of you to write
this letter for me, Captain.
I plaster hands and
cement relations. Dear who?
Hillda. That's with two "L's."
Captain Hunnicutt, one of the docs here,
is writin' this letter for me.
Slow down. My dictation cost me
my last eight jobs.
Oh. Because my right hand...
is out of action.
- Better?
- Go on.
Where do I take it from there?
War is a time of loneliness
and deprivation for a soldier...
- I like that.
- And for the wife he leaves behind.
But I see you kicked
the loneliness habit...
and you ain't been
so deprived either.
Try again.
When I read your letter,
naturally I was hurt.
- To the quick.
- Yeah, there too.
Nine years I gave that woman
love, trust and devotion!
And how does she pay me back?
She cheats on me!
- Easy! The class theme is forgiveness.
- Forgive her? Forget it.
I made that woman a queen.
Whatever she wanted!
Hi-fi, a beaver coat,
her own bowling shoes.
I sent her brother through college.
I paid for every tooth
in her mother's head.
You're clearly a humanitarian.
One more humane act.
- Humane? I'll show you humane.
- Don't!
The right hand got away with it,
the left one goes to the stockade.
Ahh. Where was I?
Try this. You're a beautiful woman,
Hillda, and a lovely wife.
- And I very much want
to spare you any more pain.
- I don't know about that.
[Man Over P.A. System]
Attention, Captain Hunnicutt.
Please report to the hospital.
Major Burns probably taped himself
to a patient again. We'll finish later.
Yeah, right.
Whatever she wanted!
Charm bracelet, steam iron...
plastic wedgies.
[Squawking]
Oooh, Charlie tastes good!
- Everyone here, Corporal?
- All presently accounted for, sir.
Who's this one?
- [Radar]
This is Mr. Park, the peddler, sir.
- Oh, yes.!
You can get anything from Mr. Park,
including a bullet in the head.
- Confiscate this weapon.
- That's not a weapon, sir.
It's a lighter.
Interesting, most interesting.
Yes. Hmm.
This is Kim, the houseboy, sir.
Kim is very good at repairing
electric shavers and things.
Uh-huh, and wiring a stick or two
of dynamite together, eh, Kim?
Blow up a few white devils?
Uh, this is Mrs. Shin.
She does the laundry for the nurses.
Are you aware, Corporal,
that you can shave a bar of soap...
turn it into powder, set a detonator
inside, and pow... it'll explode?
Sure kill the laundry, wouldn't it?
- This is Charlie, her son.
- [Frank]
That's an innocent-looking child.
- He's six years old.
- That's what they all say.
That size, yeah.
That juvenile appearance.
Be perfect cover
for who knows what.
- Major!
- And what's this, huh?
It's a sandwich.
It may look like a sandwich,
but you open it and it's...
Ham.
No eating in the ranks.
- From now on, camp security
will be tight as a drum.
- Yes.
No more door-to-door peddling.
No more come and go as you "likee."
Every morning you all see
the guard for a pass.
You will keep your soap visible
and in bar form...
and exit the area
no later than 1:00 p.m.
And you, no more freeloadin'
in the mess tent. You savvy?
- Will that be all, sir?
- Just about, Corporal.
- [Loud Banging]
- Hit the deck!
Just a baseball, sir.
Must have gotten away from somebody.
- It might've been one of theirs.
- I don't think they play baseball.
Here you go, Lieutenant.
- [Lieutenant] Thanks, Radar.
- Yo.
- Shall I dismiss the locals now, sir?
- Yeah, I guess.
- He wants ten bucks for the lighter.
- I'll take it.
- But I'll only give him five.
- Seven-fifty.
- Seven-fifty?
- It's his country.
- Six and not a penny more.
- I can't say six in Korean.
- Say five and 100 pennies.
- Six and 100 pennies.
- Done.
- Seven bucks.
- Huh?
- Oh, I woke you. I'm sorry.
No, no, let's try it again
tomorrow at my place.
- Have you been here all night?
- Every c.c. Of it.
Lieutenant Snyder wasn't on duty
to do her nails. She's a nurse.
No offense. He needed a doctor,
not a nurse.
Twice his chest tubes
plugged up on him.
If I wasn't here, he'd have been
busted down to cadaver.
- How's he doing?
- Fine. Respiration's normal,
and no blood through the tube.
- Then he'll live.
- I've been trying to break it
to you as gently as possible.
Couple of months, he'll be out checking
natives under the armpits again.
There's only one reason
this man didn't die.
H.Q. Didn't cut him his orders.
- I've never seen you work better.
- Somebody tell him.
Somebody will, I'm sure.
In the meantime, I'd like
to congratulate you myself, Doctor.
I'm honored, touched and aroused.
Why must you always spoil things?
I'll kiss whatever you like
and make it better.
How 'bout you?
A bomb!
They're burying a bomb!
- He's just come out of it, sir.
- Good.
Well, you're gonna be all right,
Colonel. The worst is over.
- Colonel.
- Yes?
That officer, Pierce.
An oddball.
Must make an example of him.
He already is a fine example
of an oddball officer. The best.
Has no respect for the uniform.
Well, he's never in it anyway.
No respect for authority.
- No respect for the war.
- Whoa, Colonel. Whoa.
I demand disciplinary action
against him.
If you don't take it, I will.
You? You're only a bunch
of tubes running in and out.
You have to go to the latrine
by remote control. You're a sick man.
You'd be napping at the morgue
if it wasn't for Pierce working on you.
Hmm?
He operated? Not you?
Lucky for you, yes.
But the last thing I said...
Would've been the last.
If Pierce wasn't your surgeon,
you'd be a bag of cold cuts.
Jumpin'jodhpurs, man.!
I'm regular army too.
Hash marks down to the ground.
I started in the cavalry. Learned to
look at life from the top of a horse.
Sometimes I feel I'm still on a horse,
only I'm looking down at a horse's...
I'm not criticizing
your command, Colonel.
It's that... that goof-off.
That goof-off saved your can!
You're alive and kicking,
kicking like an army mule...
because of that man's skill
and dedication as a surgeon.
Sufferin' saddle soap!
You owe your life to that man!
[Radar Laughing] It's a miss.!
Yeah. Okay, ready for my shot?
Okay, G-3. Right.
- We're playing Battleship.
- Not getting enough war around here?
[Squeals] I did it! I won!
I sunk a carrier! Imagine, a carrier!
- Round of drinks for the bridge.
- Sparky, I gotta go now.
Right. Over and out. Thanks. Boy,
I never won before. This is terrific.
- Congratulations, Admiral.
- Aw, thanks.
- Have you seen Sergeant Zale?
- Yeah, I tied his shoelaces
for him about 20 minutes ago.
- Where was that?
- In front of his tent.
- He's not out in front of
his tent, nor is he inside.
- Did you try the officers' club?
Yeah. They untied his shoelaces
last night. He hasn't been back since.
- I don't know then.
- If he shows up, tie both
his shoes together and call me.
- I finished his letter.
- Okay.
You like your ice cream all mushy?
Mushier the better.
You like Chinese food?
Like to walk in the rain?
- Yes, sir.
- You could've been my wife.
Yes, sir.
- Sir? He might be with his moose.
- Again, Radar?
I said, Sergeant Zale
might be with his moose.
[Laughs]
The sergeant has a moose?
Sir, a moose is a Korean girlfriend
of the opposite sex.
This one's hut is down
the road by the bend near
where we bury the arms and legs.
- How's the colonel?
- Stable.
- Respiration okay?
- Fine.
- Temperature? B.P.? Pulse?
- All normal.
They sure don't write emergencies
the way they used to.
It wasn't an emergency.
He was... just anxious to see you.
- Any idea why?
- To thank you?
Colonel.
Captain Pierce.
I just had a talk
with your C.O. About you.
My stethoscope was burning.
Said you did a...
bang-up job on me.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Thank him. He's the one that said it.
Well, don't you have anything
you want to say about my bang-up job?
I'm not your commanding officer.
I just thought that, considering
you came in here in more pieces
than a Tinkertoy...
and considering I busted
my butter knife to put all those
pieces back together again...
you just might want
to say "thank you" too.
I'm an artillery officer, Pierce.
I've bombed the hell out of targets you
couldn't see if you stood on top of'em.
And nobody ever thanked me.
Oh.
Colonel, just exactly what
did you want to see me about?
Your C.O., he's a good man.
I've got a lot of respect for him.
As a personal favor to him...
I'm not gonna lower the boom on you.
- You're not...
- Although God knows I should.
And that hat...
and robe, no shave.
You're a disgrace to your commission.
Nevertheless, you're not
gonna lower the boom.
Yeah. I'm lettin' you off the hook.
Letting me off the hook!
- This time.
- Yeah.
And next time, watch it.
Colonel Spiker, sir...
I don't know how
to thank you for this.
- Mmm, Captain Pierce?
- Yes, sir?
Forget it.
Forget it?
He told me to forget it!
Another bottle here.
Put it on my tab.
Bless you, sir, bless you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[Knocking]
Good morning, ma'am.
Can I interest you in a year's
subscription to Shack and Garden?
Thank you.
- Hey, Doc! Come on in.
- Very nice. Right cozy.
Yeah. Uh, have a couple of eggs?
Fresh off the lawn.
Eggs Benedict Arnold, right?
Nourishing, but treacherous.
- Eggs what?
- No, thanks.
- Uh, some coffee then?
- Had my fill at the mess tent.
You remember the mess tent,
don't you, Sergeant?
We met there yesterday while
you were drinking some antifreeze.
Her name is Sooky.
How do you do, Sooky?
She don't understand
a word of English.
- Who is your interpreter?
- Don't need none.
She practically reads my mind.
I wasn't thinking that.
So, you bagged yourself a moose.
Well, uh, you... Yeah.
Need a hunting permit?
Or just rewrite your marriage license?
Who knows when we could
be knocked off, Doc.
You know, we're three miles
from the front.
That's pretty close to the action.
Yes. Some of us are a little closer
to the action than others.
I don't make up the rules.
I mean, I'm a man, you know?
It's not the same with a man.
- Carry your own double standard
into battle, Zale.
- What's this?
I took the liberty of finishing
your letter to Mrs. Zale, East.
All it needs is your John Hancock,
or Syngman Rhee, if you like.
Ah. Pretty understanding, ain't I?
Yeah, well, you're just
that kind of guy.
"To wrap it up, honey:
'To err is human, to forgive divine."'
Or as in your case,
the other way around.
Give me your pen.
- What are you doing, Frank?
- You're gonna have to move.
I'm not moving. I called ahead
six months ago for this field.
- Go play someplace else.
- I'm warning you.
You could be in danger.
No, Frank, you could be in danger.
I'm very tired, Frank. You know how
cranky I get when I haven't had my nap.
Listen, you could be sitting
on the biggest bomb in Korea!
Frank, I think it's only fair
to warn you that my falcon
will be here in 30 seconds.
It's over here, Private. This way.
- What's Frank up to?
- I think he's vacuuming Korea.
Eisenhower's coming.
He wants everything just so.
- Can I help?
- I saw two natives burying
a bomb out here.
Obviously to destroy
the whole installation.
- Frank, you're paranoid.
- I am not.
- When did you see it?
- When I was checking
my toothpaste for explosives.
You were checking your
toothpaste for explosives, Gracie?
- Sir, here. Fresh earth.
- What?
I saw that! It was with
Paul Muni and Luise Rainer.
Dig, Private. Dig, dig, dig, dig!
Back, everybody, back.
- That's far enough.
- I think I've hit something, sir.
Well, lift it out... very carefully.
Paranoid, huh?
[Laughs]
- What smells?
- Frank's bomb.
Don't!
It's a kimchi pot, Frank. Kimchi!
Pickled cabbage.
They ferment it in the ground.
There are millions of these
buried all over Korea.
I'd get title to this land,
Major, before word gets out.
- Huh?
- Don't you understand, man?
You've struck cole slaw.
Let's hear it
for the major, folks.
Isn't he great?
He'll be back, folks...
just after he changes
for the 11:00 bomb.
## [Radio]
Hard day at the office?
I put a colonel back together.
I used the spare parts of two majors.
Good thinking.
- You?
- Nothing today.
Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday.
Got a "Dear John" from his wife,
and tried to go ten rounds
with the mess tent stove.
Un, deux, trois.
What? What? What?
Fastest lighter in the West.