M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 12 - Soldier of the Month - full transcript

- Potatoes?
- Yeah.

- Corn?
- Yeah.

What's underneath
that gravy there?

Only The Shadow knows, hmm?
[Evil Laugh]

I'll take some.

Keep eating this slop
and you'll get the purple tongue.

Think you've got enough
to eat there, son?

I can always go back
for more, sir.

- Colonel, Major Burns
has something to say.
- What is it?

He'd like you to start
right away. He has to be back
on post-op duty in half an hour.

You're in very high voice today, Frank.
Maybe you should loosen your shorts.



Still suffering from incurable
"wisecrackeritis," eh, Pierce?

Right. The doctors have given me
six months before I kill you.

All right. We're supposed
to be officers here.

Set an example,
which is one reason I've called
this meeting. Radar, take notes.

- Yes, sir.
- If you haven't eaten your pencil.

First of all, let me say
I appreciate how tired you all are.

Unfortunately, until we find out
what's causing this fever thing...

- we're gonna have to
keep working round the clock.
- Any news from the lab at Seoul?

Father Mulcahy's down there
now on "R" and "R."

- Rest and resurrection.
- I'm hoping he'll come back
with some new info.

Meantime, we can expect
more fever patients by tonight.

- We're running out of beds now.
- I'm for doubling up.

- I bet.
- I'm just that kind of guy.

- Can I break in with a little
trivia about the subject?
- Doctor.



How do you deal with a disease
that doesn't even have a name...

no antibiotics that work,
nothing we can do
but supportive care?

Yeah. What ever happened
to the good old days?

Artery transplants,
resecting intestines... something
we could sink our teeth into.

I guess all that went out
with good taste, Frank.

There is one hunch from H.Q.
They think there's a possibility...

the fever could be caused
by rat-borne mites and fleas.

Has anyone noticed more rats
around the camp lately?

Just the old couple that's building
a family room in my shaving kit.

I've seen rats around here
the size of dogs.

I've even heard some complaining
about people running around
their tent.

I want to establish
a control officer...

who will be responsible
for all the rats on the base.

Volunteers?
Very sporting, Pierce.

N-Not at all.

My friends, some men are born great.
Others achieve greatness.

And others are destined
to work with rats.

I would like to nominate someone
who is eminently qualified...

a man who was born
for this job...

a man who can look a rat in the eye
and meet him on his own terms.

I give you
Major Frank Burns.

- Will anyone second this motion?
- [B.J.] Hear, hear.

Thank you, but...
I really can't accept.

I'm already in charge
of rumor control.

I've heard that.

I think if this assignment helps
relieve the fever situation...

there ought to be
some sort of promotion.

Maybe even
a field mouse commission.

All right, all right.
But just remember:

Frank Burns did more
than his share.

Also, morale
has become a problem.

But I have something here that might
be helpful in picking people up.

It's a war department directive
for a soldier of the month contest.

- Some lucky enlisted man will get
to spend six days in Tokyo.
- Wow.

All you have to do is win the war
in 25 words or less.

- Why can't they send all the guys over?
- And stop the fighting?

Have you ever seen a general
in an unemployment office?

"Candidates will be judged
on dress and deportment.

Finalists will be given an oral quiz
on historical knowledge."

- Announce this
and have everyone bone up.
- Yes, sir.

The judge, by order of H.Q.,
will be Second-In-Command
Major Burns.

I heard that.

You know, I've never been
to Tokyo, sir.

But it sure has been a pet dream
of mine ever since I was
a tiny, little soldier.

- Down, Radar.
- Right.

I think this is an excellent directive.
Nothing is too good for the men.

I guess that's why
they get so much of it.

Nice of you to come out
and favor the enlisted.

Well, of course.
I may be higher in rank...

but we all zip our pants
the same way.

Why do I feel
this meeting is over?

Dismissed.

At ease, soldier.
You'll give yourself a concussion.

Leave him alone. I find it
refreshing to see a salute
around here for a change.

That goes double ditto
for me.

These two get any more G.I., we'll have
to start folding them at sunset.

- Ma'am, don't strain your gut.
- Thank you, Corporal.

[Chuckles]
Soldier of the month candidate,
right? Tie and everything.

Love the way
you shined your nose.

- You figure
I got a chance with him?
- I think he prefers blonds.

All right. Get moving, Corporal.
Stop standing there
trying to sell a pup.

Yes, sir,
Your Majorship.

Another fever case.

His temperature's very high.
He's got chills and a severe headache.

A thousand c.c.'s?
Who ordered this?

What's it to you,
friend?

Frank, don't you think maybe it's time
we started cutting down on fluids?

These men are thirsty,
Dr. Nosenheimer.

I didn't have to study medicine
for seven years...

to know the prescription
for thirst is water.

Yeah, but look
at the kidney output.

He's taken in two liters today,
and he hasn't produced enough
to water Aunt Martha's petunias.

His kidneys have shut down.
Acute renal failure.

These men are dehydrated
from the fever...

which is why we're giving them fluids
in the first place.

Even you understand that,
don't you, Major?

You don't look
at all well, Frank.

Well, you stay up all night
slicing cheese for rattraps.

Pierce!

Now that one's all right.
His temperature's almost normal.

He's also in shock.
Acute renal shutdown.

We gotta get both these guys
to the 121 st Hospital.

- That's 50 miles away.
- That's where the kidney machine
is, Frank.

- And they don't have a long cord.
- Sir. Hawkeye.

- Thanks for the knighthood, Radar.
- Huh?

- What is it?
- Father Mulcahy's back
from Seoul. He's got news.

All right. Good. Get us a chopper.
Tag these two for the 121 st.

- All right.
- B. J.
- Think you can handle things?

I was suing people for payment
before you even thought
of being a doctor.

It seems both the Japanese
and the Russian soldiers...

came down with this
very same kind of fever...

same symptoms, everything...

in northern Manchuria
during the late '30s.

Well, what was it, Father?
What are we dealing with?

It was a Japanese-American...
uh, Nisei...

who was going through some old
Japanese medical journals...

when he came across the name
"hemorrhagic fever,"

and he realized that we're
dealing with the same thing.

The doctors then were just
as perplexed as you are now.

- Great. We know what to call it.
- Only, we don't know
how to cure it.

There isn't a cure. The only treatment
is common sense medicine.

- Well, that leaves out Frank.
- Wait, wait. There's more.

"You must be very, very careful
to restrict fluids."

You see, the fever often causes
the kidneys to shut down.

It seems that
if enough fluids accumulate...

a man can actually drown
in his own tissues.

- Can you imagine that?
- So we were right.

- Thanks for the confirmation, Father.
- Confirmation is my middle name.

Here's some letters
from H.Q., sir.

Oh, yes. Fan mail
from the rear echelon.

Oh, good.
Soldier of the month quiz.

- And the answers.
- Oh.

Yeah. Better put this
in the company safe.

- Combination, Radar?
- Uh, your wife's measurements, sir.

Right. Forty-two...

thirty-six, forty-two.

Been bonin' up
on your history, Radar?

Oh, yes, sir. It's just that
there's so much to cover.

- I'm not sure I'll learn it in time.
- Well, perhaps I can help you.

- What part have you gotten up to?
- Just finished Genesis, sir.

Can you tell me how long Adam and Eve
were here before Columbus?

It's quite a long story, son.
Maybe after dinner.

I know it was at least 100 years
'cause there was Indians here by then.

Sir, I hope you remember I did this
for you when the contest rolls around.

- For Pete's sake, hurry up!
- The truth is, I'm not really crazy.

I only wore dresses
so people would think that.

But I know I have to be sane
to be soldier of the month,
so I'm telling you I am...

unless, of course,
you don't pick me, in which case...

I'm still nutsy fagin, and
I never said one word of this.

- Corporal, you're giving me a headache.
- I'm sorry, sir.

Whew! Boy, this stuff's
really barf-making.

You think the rats
will go for it?

That happens to be
my wife's fruitcake, Corporal...

of which you should be well-acquainted
since you are one yourself!

Sir, you don't look well.
I mean, even less well than usual.

- Get on with it, creepo.
- Yes, sir.

- Frank?
- Hmm?

- [Both Laughing]
- What time does your pillow
go into labor, Frank?

- [Klinger Yells, Mousetrap Snaps]
- Did you get one?

That stupid thing just went off
and broke half my knuckles!

That does it!
Contest or no contest...

I'm not pushin'
any more of your traps!
[Whimpers]

You're trying to catch rats
in this box, Frank?

Box? This happens to be...

a finely-honed mechanism
which I invented myself.

Now watch.
The rat enters here...

sees himself in the mirror,
which he mistakes for another rat.

Now this device swings down
and taps him...

causing him to turn around
to see who wants him.

When he does, whammo!

These steel knobs come down
and crack him right in the skull.

- [Laughing]
- That's positively brilliant, Frank!

By the time you're through,
a lot of rats are gonna need
to be fitted for glasses.

And he called me
a fruitcake!

Why don't you take this
100 miles from here?

- Start a rat resort.
- Now what are you talking about?

If these buggers are causing the fever,
we've got to exterminate them.

Frank, it's the mites
and the fleas on the rats
that could be causing the fever.

When the rats die,
the mites and fleas jump on us.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
I mean, I've already carried
a couple out to the trash.

And I didn't get any fleas.

L-I didn't feel well afterwards,
but l-l-l-I'm not sick.

I mean... just because
a person needs to faint...

Here we go. Soldier of the month
questions and answers.

Come to Papa.

[Camera Shutter Clicking]

He used to be
Albert Anastasia's doorman.

- All's quiet in the nursery.
- [Frank] Is that you, dear?

- Frank.
- [Moaning]

- Right here, Frank.
- Let me sleep, okay?

It's your turn
to take mother to the toilet.

Frank, it's us.

- Hi!
- Hi, Frank.

- Hi!
- I'm so thirsty.

If you'd just loan me
a teeny, tiny drop of water,
I promise to give it back.

We can't, Frank.

[Sighs]
I think I've swallowed my lips.

If you drink too much water,
it builds up in your tissues.

And just between us and your kidneys,
they've had more than enough.

When they start to get rolling
full force, it'll be like
barrel time at Niagara Falls.

- You have a fever.
- If I had two fevers, I could
give you change for a ten.

- [Laughing]
- Go to sleep, Frank.

- I'll give you $10 for a drink of water.
- We can't.

- Try not to think about it.
- [Groans]

You're the doctors.

I don't really like
being one, you know.

I mean, I wouldn't mind
being a doctor...

if I didn't have to be
around sick people.

People don't like
being sick either, Frank.

My mother used to smack me
when I got sick.

She used to smack me
when I got well too.

Rest, Frank, and don't talk.

Oh, sure. I know.
You don't wanna talk to me.

Nobody ever did.

The only one who talked to me
in high school was the janitor.

He used to show me his pictures
of heavyweight champs.

He was the last person
who liked me.

- We like you, Frank.
- Oh, you're just saying that
because you feel sorry for me.

Not at all. I haven't
felt sorry for you...

since we sewed up the legs
on all your jockey shorts.

Oh, it's all right. Now
that I'm dying, you can fess up.
Do you really like me?

- You're not really dying, Frank.
- Do you?

Let me put it this way,
Frank.

If we were the last two people
left on earth...

I'd never forget
to send you a Christmas card.

Real pals.

- Can I share a secret with you?
- It's up to you.

- Promise you won't tell.
- Cross our cardiograms.

Margaret and I...
are dating.

Oh.

Number three.
"Nathan Hale."

Nathan Hale.

Sure beats studying.

"Lewis and Clark."

Gentlemen. Since your official judge,
Major Burns, is really not well...

I have been given both
the great privilege and dubious
honor of replacing him.

Uh, you may stand.
Just take your seats.

My associatejudge,
Captain B.J. Hunnicutt...

who was instrumental in last
year's selection of Miss Junior
Puberty and Miss Gutter Ball.

Thank you, fan.

"You are here to take
this historical quiz...

because you have surpassed
your colleagues in dress
and deportment."

How, we'll never know.

But that is not for small minds
to ponder, and Lord knows there
are enough of those around.

- [B.J.] Got a new hair
coming in, Klinger?
- Sir, I have something to say.

I yield the floor
to Miss Virgin Islands.

I hope the judges take
into consideration...

I am presenting myself
in full uniform...

right down
to my underwear...

which, for the first time
since I've been in the service...

is of the correct kind for a person
of my sex and/or gender.

Sit down. Let's get on with it
before I forget what I learned.

- Shouldn't be too hard
for you, peabrain.
- Hey.

Strike those two
from Miss Congeniality.

Now..."Name this country's
first president...

and the city in which he took
the oath of office."

- Oh, I know. I know!
- Quiet, would ya? I can't think.

- Ooh, sir!
- [B.J.] Radar.

Uh, George Washington.
He was the first, and,
uh, he had wooden teeth.

Right. And every time
he told a lie, they chopped one out.

He was sworn in,
in New York.

Very good. Half point for Klinger,
half point for Radar.

I knew that.

"What famous symbol of
American freedom has a crack in it?"

And it is not
General MacArthur's head.

A crack in it.

- Sir! The Liberty Bell!
- [Hawkeye] Very good, Radar.

- Whew!
- Uh, Sergeant Zale.

"Many of the settlers who came
to California in 1848...

were searching for what?"

Palm trees. How the hell
do I know? I'm from Brooklyn.

- Igor.
- I thought there were gonna be
refreshments here.

Wrong. And now back
to our acrobat Klinger.

I lost track, sir.
Do I have to answer that one, sir?

If you can.

Uh, what number question
is that, sir?

- I'm mixing 'em up.
- You can't do that, sir.

I learned history
from the beginning.

Next question.

- Margaret?
- [Whispering] Right here.

Oh. You're the only one
who really cares.

- Yes.
- Just you and my wife.

Don't press me, Frank.

I want you two to be friends.

After I'm gone, you can both work on
the Frank Burns Memorial together.

Don't talk that way.
You're not going anywhere.

- I'm not going to die?
- You're not going to die.

Oh.

Frank, have you
made out a will?

Will? Why do I need a will
if I'm not going to die?

Everybody has to die
sometime, Frank.

Well, you'd think
they'd give officers a break.

You ought to dictate a will
to Father Mulcahy.

Not that
you're not all right...

but just in case
something happens...

and you don't get to stay...
all right...

for much longer.

Margaret...

if I should go before you...

Iook for me when you get there.

I'll be waiting for you
on the other side.

Frank. Oh, darling.

And if I'm standing with my wife,
pretend you don't know me.

Nathan Hale, sir. "I regret that I have
but one life to give to my country."

Correct. And obviously the man
never worked on a draft board.

- Another point for Radar.
- He's coming up on the outside.

When are you gonna get to capitals?
I know state capitals.

I'll show ya.
Ask me the capital of Cleveland.

Klinger. "What famous...

Civil War hero said, 'Damn the
torpedoes. Full steam ahead'?"

And please try to answer with less than
the seven basic ballet movements.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
"Tugarraf."

- [Laughing]
- "Tugarraf"?

- That's Farragut.
He said it backwards.
- Aha! True or false.

You can reach the high notes
of"The Star-Spangled Banner"
by standing on your toes.

- That ain't part of the test.
- Yes, but how did you know?

He's cheating! He's got the answers
written all over him!

I am not. Those are tattoos.
Leave me alone.

No wonder he knows history
like the back of his hand.

- Let me say my capitals.
Dover, Delaware.
- [All Arguing At Once]

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
Uh, New York, New York.

Major Burns has decided
to make out his will.

Will you listen, Father?

Gracious,
I didn't even know he was dying.

Oh, he isn't. No. It's just
a precautionary measure.

Oh. But he does
have the fever...

and a person is supposed
to be of sound mind.

Oh, it's okay, Father.
I don't think my mind
was any sounder when I was well.

Call if you need
anything, Major.

Uh, are you sure
you feel up to this, Frank?

The only thing
I really feel up to is dying.

I see.

Well, uh,
if you're ready...

My car, my house, all the money
I buried in my backyard...

goes to the only woman
who ever really cared...

ever really understood...

my wife, Louise.

She'll have to
thaw out the map.

It's inside some ground chuck
in the basement freezer.

And my savings account
passbook number is in the same
bottle as my appendix.

Appendix. Hmm.

- A-Anything else?
- For my children...

all profits from
my prescription kickbacks.

These are recorded
in my red ledger...

not the blue one
that I show to the government.

And finally...

to Major Margaret Houlihan...

my friend, my comrade...

my little soldier...

I leave all my clothes.

I'm very proud
of you, Radar.

- Me too, sir.
- I want you to have
the best six days of your life.

- I'm ready for 'em, sir.
- Got plenty of cash?

- Oh, yes, sir.
- Clean clothes, toothbrush?

Oh, I'll buy a new one in Tokyo.
I broke mine last month.

Well, they have 'em there.

Are you sure, Frank?

- I haven't been in six days.
- I know.

I feel like my cork's
going to pop.

- Wish me luck.
- Frank, it's only the latrine.

You're not a test pilot
going up.

I'll be right outside
if you need me.

His first trip?

His temperature was back
to normal this morning.

- He owes his life to you two.
- I don't know
if we can live with that.

First time
in a big town, Radar?

- Yes, sir.
- Lots of girls there
just waiting for soldiers.

- [Laughing]
- Ayoung man should know
how to protect himself.

Oh, I'll be okay, sir.
I studied karate.

[Yells]

- Well, have a good time.
- Thank you very much, sir.

Hey, Frank,
how's it going in there?

Well, I think that's about
as clever as anything
I've ever heard him say.

- Frank?
- Speak up, Frank...

or we'll nail that shut
and send you home in it.

[Frank] Can't a person have
a little private?

I think he's broken
the four-minute private.

- Terrific, Frank.
- Congratulations.

- How do you feel?
- Hey!

How about a salute here,
soldier? I'm still a major...

even though you can't see
my clusters in this robe.

And put out that cigarette, field strip it
and police the entire area!

- He's better.
- I feel great.

- Are you sure?
- First-rate, tip-top.

- Then would you step this way,
please, Major?
- Oh.

Well, Margaret,
what is it?

The next time you give
your clothes away...

give 'em to somebody
your own size!

- Frank, what happened?
- She hit me!

- Right on the chin.
- How'd she find it?

- Why'd she hit you?
- I don't know.

- Come on home, Frank.
- Yeah, with people
who really love you.

- I almost died, you know.
- Well, we did our best, Frank.

[Laughing] Major Burns
seems back in shape.

Here's an anonymous letter
snitching on three nurses.

- That's our fault.
- We re-created a monster.

- Yep.
- [Man] Colonel Potter?

- That's right.
- Got a package for you, sir.

Oh, hi.

- The charges.
- Charges?

"Drunk and disorderly"?

Radar, you've never
been drunk before.

It sort of made me
disorderly, sir.

You tried to drink the ink
in a tattoo parlor?

"Swam 50 laps in an eight-foot
bathhouse tub"?

- I'll look after this. Thank you.
- Yes, Colonel.

Take care, Leonard!
Give my best to your wife.

Radar. Radar.

Our soldier of the month.

How can we ever stay
in the contest?

You're right.
I'd be tough to follow.

[Laughter]

Hey, Sherm, do you know where
a guy could get a drink around here?

This eye
can't even wink.

[Laughter Continues]