M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 8 - Life with Father - full transcript
Henry suspects his wife is having an affair, Hawkeye searches for presidents' faces to try to win a pony and Father Mulcahy officiates at a Jewish Bris with the help of a rabbi on a faraway aircraft carrier.
Major, you have the hands
of a concert violinist.
He could've been
a surgeon.
I'm running the show.
You're just the anesthetist today.
- I know. It's your band, and I'm just a boy singer.
- Shh!
Now stepping mike-side,
the lovely Hawkeye Pierce...
to sing the very haunting
"Star Spangled Banner. "
Officer?
Labbi Forbris?
- Keep walking, Margaret.
- Please! Labbi Forbris.
- Frank!
- Just keep walking.
She probably wants to sell the baby.
You know how they are.
- Just a second.
- Lookee, missee.
Me sabe and Meme Sabe very busy
working hard all night.
Chow time?
- Major?
- Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
That only puts another dollar
in the bank of permissiveness.
Frank, I want to tell you what
a great job you did this morning.
Skillful technique,
O.R. Efficiency unparalleled.
- A superior team effort.
- Thank you very much.
Now if you could just
get this back in.
- Hello, Chopper.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Hawkeye.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Don.
- Hello, Phil.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Rochester.
Hello, Mr. Benny.
How can you give thanks
for food this bad?
Just being grateful
for my daily bread.
My daily bread's
four days old.
Mail call.
Father.
Ah, it's from my sister,
the sister.
- Maria Angelica.
- I thought her name was Kathy.
Maria Angelica's the name
she took as a nun.
- Her married name.
- No mail for me?
A cancelled subscription?
A lawyer letter?
An apology from my draft board?
It was all a mistake? Something?
This one's marked,
"Occupant, MASH 4077 th. "
Sold.
I'll enjoy this after
the afternoon prayer.
- Who's yours from, Trap?
- My five year old.
Or my wife has started
writing in crayon.
- What's that?
- A picture of a barnyard.
If you can find the faces
of ten...
United States presidents
in this picture...
you can be the proud owner
of a Shetland pony.
Hey, terrific.
I see one already right there.
Coolidge. Right near
the horse's tail.
That's one.
There's Teddy Roosevelt in the tree.
Bully, bully!
You trying to muscle in
on our pony, Father?
Your films came, sir, from the Tabasco
Film Company, Havana, Cuba.
Tee-riff!
Great. Great.
"Yvonne, Renee and Loretta
in What the Parrot Saw. "
- What's the other one say, sir?
- Oh, uh...
"Renee, Loretta and the Parrot
in What Yvonne Saw. "
Uh, sir, could I watch the films
with you this time...
with Captain Mclntyre
and Pierce?
Ah, Radar,
you'd be bored to death.
I mean,
it's all medical stuff.
Uh-huh.
Here's a letter from your wife.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome.
Forbris, Forbris.
There was a Lieutenant Forbes.
Tall, thin guy.
Only dermatologist I ever knew
with pimples.
- Maybe she's looking for Captain Forrest.
- Who?
The brain surgeon
who fell down a lot.
No, no. He's been gone
over two years.
He's got a toy store now.
Read, please.
What?
"Labbi Forbris"
is "rabbi for Bris. "
Yes. Yes.
Sang Min.
She's married to
Walter R. Jacobson, Corporal.
0390-118010.
This is their son,
Sang MinJacobson...
who's too young
to have a number yet.
"The father, busy at the front, is
requesting that a circumcision be performed...
with a traditionalJewish ceremony,
which is known as a Bris. "
I'll do the circumcision...
but you're gonna have to get a Jewish
chaplain to lay on the prayers.
- Can Father Mulcahy doJewish?
- Only if he can read Latin from right to left.
Talk to the father. He's right inside.
He's got a black shirt, white collar.
Cross around the neck.
Oh, a padre.
Si.
We don't get
a lot of those cases.
I don't remember a single soldier
coming through in diapers before.
Doc, run to the Motor Pool.
I'll throw you a long one.
- Arm like a rifle.
- Hall of Famer.
Bet they retire
your smock.
Guys, did I get a letter from my wife!
Oh, man! Fantastic!
We're happy for you.
Did the movies come?
- Yeah. What the Parrot Saw.
- I love animal films.
- What time is the screening?
- Midnight in the generator shed.
But never mind! I've got to tell you
about Lorraine's letter.
- Millard Fillmore.
- Hey, great!
Who?
We're gonna take your picture on a pony
so you can send it home to your wife.
What pony?
Read this letter. What a woman!
I bet there isn't a guy here in
this godforsaken toilet with trees...
that's got his wife's permission
to horse around.
- "Dear Henry. "
- We read it, Henry.
"I know, darling, what you're going
through... the hardships, loneliness...
living in tents
like animals. "
- I didn't know animals lived in tents.
- Neither did I.
"So if it should happen
that you meet another woman... "
"So if it should happen
that you meet another woman...
someone who is kind, I would
certainly understand, my darling. "
- Can you believe her?
- I'm still having trouble believing you.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
You said something
about taking a picture.
- Could we do it now? I'd like to send it to her.
- We don't have the pony yet.
Oh, okay.
- Prince.
- Lightning.
- Norman.
- Buck.
Norman's a great name
for a pony.
The other horses'll
make fun of him.
Yeah. And he'll probably
have to wear glasses.
Well, there's
Captain Epstein.
He's a very fine
Jewish chaplain.
We went through
indoctrination together.
Lovely fellow, Eppy.
Water-skier, paratrooper.
A bit meshuga, actually.
He's with the 109th.
However, he's not Orthodox.
He's Conservative.
Oh, I don't think she'd want
anything flashy.
If you can't get Captain Epstein,
try the Navy, Marines.
Let's get this little fellow
taken care of.
It's a lovely boy.
Did I remember to give you
that letter from your sister?
Yes, yes.
I was about to read it.
Please, don't be worried
about the circumcision.
Some of my best friends
have had one.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you.
#Kyrie eleison #
- Fragment at L-3, one centimeter.
- L-3.
Compression fracture,
L-4, lesions and trauma.
- Finished.
- Good.
That O.D. T-shirt
makes me crazy.
I wanted to bite you
in the chow line.
I didn't see anything.
You seen anything, Trap?
- I didn't see a thing.
- We were simply checking spines.
Did you find out
you each had one?
Would you make up
50 of these for me?
I don't know which one of you
is more obscene.
- He is. We took a poll.
- What are you doing?
Is thatJames Buchanan
under the haystack?
What would a president
be doing under a haystack?
What am I doing in South Korea
without a paddle?
What's this I hear about you
performing a "cirky" on an infant?
- That's elective surgery.
- Against regulations.
So is groping in the X ray room
without leather aprons.
The mother and child happen to be
dependents of an American soldier.
Isn't that
John Quincy Adams?
That dependent card and letter
could be forgeries.
Sounds like one
of their rackets to me.
Right. She gets rich taking her baby
around to hospitals getting him circumcised.
Come on, Major.
Going to do more research?
Pace yourself, kids.
It might be a long war.
Right there.
That big red apple.
Ulysses S. Grant's nose.
Hey, you guys think my wife
could have a guilty conscience?
What are you talking about?
Where'd you get an idea like that?
- I saw that.
- Read between the lines.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
- He's right, Henry. That's exactly
what it says. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Why? Why?
The country club.
That's what it is. That country club.
- Right.
- A thousand dollars to join, 150 a month green fees.
- For what?
- What?
Heartbreak, that's what.
Nothing but heartbreak.
Say good morning to the pro,
and he sells you an alpaca sweater.
Right.
That was the 109th.
Captain Epstein's been rotated
to Temple Beth El in Buffalo.
- Who? - The chaplain that does
water-skiing and circumcisions.
Hey, those are
good hobbies.
I used to collect
butterflies.
I never caught any, though.
I got a sick moth once.
He was eating my father's blue serge,
and I slammed the closet door on him.
- I'll try someone else.
- All right.
121 st, please.
Nah. Lorraine would
never do anything wrong.
Who am I speaking to?
Uh, Corporal Sweeny?
You guys got a rabbi down there?
It's for a Bris.
It's like a christening
performed on newborn male personnel...
who areJewish Hebrews.
Right, you go look.
I'll wait.
It's all in
your imagination, Henry.
I don't know.
I've seen those single guys
checking on the wives at the club.
Them and their brown and white
wing-tip shoes.
They don't care.
You know, one hot night
a couple summers ago...
one of'em cut in
on me and Lorraine at the dance.
He didn't even have the decency
to hold her with a hanky over his hand.
Next dance with me,
she had a soggy back.
- You're doing the jack story, Henry.
- I know what started it.
She took up tennis.
She wears those
short, little skirts.
Lorraine has gorgeous legs since
her varicose vein operation.
- Have a drink, Henry.
- What legs.
Sailor followed her once
four blocks...
and she was wearing
orthopedic shoes.
Maybe it would help if
you took a long walk in a mine field.
- Have a talk with Father Mulcahy.
- Well...
Hey!
Now that's a good idea.
I just won't mention that the
country club doesn't allow Catholics.
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
How could you think
of such a thing?
Father?
Father, I've got to talk to you
about my wife.
My sister wants
to leave the order.
There's guilt
all over this letter.
She's such
a fantastic nun.
I'd stack her up against
any nun in the business.
I gave her whatever she needed,
even if she didn't want it.
God smiled on her
from the start.
Imagine! A basketball scholarship
at the Holy Name Academy.
Appendices, adenoids,
tonsils.
I took something out of
every member of her family.
And all freebies.
She's been teaching.
She loves children.
Now she thinks she might
like one of her own.
Lorraine can be
a little flirty...
especially after a couple
of Scotch and Seven-Ups.
Now she wants my approval.
I don't know what
to tell her.
I don't know what to say.
I think I got a Bris guy
zeroed in on the carrier Essex.
Oh, good, Radar.
Stay on it.
Yes, Father, sir.
Well, anything else,
Colonel?
No. No, thank you, Father.
It certainly helps...
to talk to someone about
these things who's sympathetic.
Anytime, my son.
What's your diagnosis?
We got it isolated.
At exactly 1400 hours.
It isn't a president's face,
but it's political-looking.
- It's a cow chip.
- Keep searching.
One more president to go,
and we're pony owners.
She's such
a fantastic nun.
One of your top nuns.
Radar, who do I see
about getting an emergency furlough?
- First you see the chaplain.
- But I am the chaplain.
Right. Then he, who is in your
case you, contacts the Red Cross...
which gets back to you,
since you're him.
How's that?
4077 th MASH.
No kidding? Great!
We got a Jewish chaplain,
Father.
Go ahead.
Lieutenant Commander Cornfield.
He's on the carrier Essex
off Inchon.
I can reach him by code
for the next four hours.
Do I know
what you're saying?
He could radio us the Bris ceremony,
and you officiate.
Oh, yes, yes.
That'll work.
Tell the rabbi
roger, kosher and out.
- You're both gonna be sorry.
- Very sorry.
I found a way to have tangible evidence that
you will have performed elective surgery.
- And there'll be none of your weaseling out of it.
- Have you finished?
- I have.
- Your fly is untied.
- Really!
- Colonel, do you realize...
No, Frank. Or, yes, Frank.
Whichever you prefer to hear.
I'm sure of it now,
guys.
I even know who it is.
Lyle Pendergrast.
Always kissing her hand.
One time he got his mustache
caught in her ring.
- Wow, his eyes watered.
- Henry!
You know what I've been doing?
Crying.
I never cry.
I never cried as a kid.
Go ahead. Hit me on the arm
as hard as you can. I won't cry.
- Go on.
- It's no sin to cry.
It is in Bloomington.
Tractor tipped over on my father once...
and he walked five miles
into the woods to scream.
Why don't you patch through
to the States and call your wife?
As soon as you hear her voice,
you'll realize that everything is okay.
For a second, I thought
you were gonna say "hunky-dory. "
It crossed my mind.
Yeah, I'll hear her voice.
We'll talk about the kids...
and I'll hear the dog
barking in the yard.
Let it all out, Henry.
Come on.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Watch.
4077 th MASH.
Yeah, right.
One sec.
Sir?
Your call to Bloomington.
- It's Mrs. Colonel, your wife, sir.
- Oh.
- You look fine, sir.
- Can you tell I've been crying?
- No.
- Good.
You can only have two minutes on
the line. That's all I could get.
Hi, Lorraine.
It's me, Henry.
Oh, I'm, uh...
I'm fine, dear.
How are you?
Oh, swell, honey.
Kids good? Terrific.
No, no, no.
I'm still here at the war.
No, I haven't been shot
or anything.
The latrine caught fire the other day.
I was in it.
But nothing important got burned,
just a little singed.
What?
Well, yes.
Yes, there is something I...
You're gonna think
this is really silly.
I mean,
it's gonna make you laugh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, uh...
Lorraine, I want you to be
as honest with me...
as I've always tried
to be with you.
I mean, your letter today.
Uh, your last letter?
It could be interpreted as...
Who?
Al Franklin?
Do I know him?
Yeah, I know him.
Tall guy, 12 handicap,
drives a yellow Jag.
The Pumpkin Dance
at the country club?
Uh-huh.
Ah, Lorraine!
Lorraine!
An orthodontist!
Well, I mean, honey,
don't, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
All right, Lorraine.
Go ahead, cry.
Yeah. Yes, I...
I know the movie,
Brief Encounter.
What a...
Lorraine,
that's only a movie! I...
Lorraine?
Sir, Lieutenant Commander Cornfield
is standing by on the Essex.
- We're ready to start the ceremony.
- Ceremony?
Yeah. TheJacobson kid,
Sang Min?
- Go ahead, Radar. Whatever.
- Yes, sir.
It's clean, sir.
Oh, Lorraine. Orthodontist!
Testing.
One, two, three, four.
Testing.
Mea culpa. Mea culpa.
Have you got the chair,
Father?
Oh, right.
They're ready on board the Essex.
You ready to perform?
# Mi-mi-mi-mi #
Ready.
- What's the chair for?
- For the standby father.
Will you sit on it?
And keep your hands on the baby.
- Sit down. It lets you use your best part.
- Bring in the child.
Uh, Father,
the first thing to say is...
"Repeat after me.
May he who comest be blessed. "
Repeat after me.
May he who comest
be blessed.
May he who comest be blessed.
- Go ahead, Radar.
"Happy is he whom thou choosest
and bringest, uh, nigh. "
"Happy is he whom thou choosest
and bringest nigh...
that he may dwell
in thy courts. "
I warned you. This is elective surgery.
I'm taking pictures.
- F-28. It's dark in here.
- Right.
Frank, have you been sniffing
medical samples again?
Uh...
Uh, now, Father, you put
a drop of wine in the baby's mouth.
A drop of wine
in the baby's mouth.
God of our fathers,
preserve this child...
and let his name
be called in Israel...
Sang Min,
son of Walter R.
Let us rejoice.
They're fading, Father.
Wait a minute.
I've lost the Essex.
We've lost them,
and I don't think we're finished.
Everybody.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Shall I diaper, Doctor?
- Yes, and then the baby.
Shall we head
for the sponge cake?
- You did good work, Doctor.
- When did I not?
- Hey.
- What?
I think I know where the face
of the tenth president is.
Aha! Got it!
Got every bit of it on film.
Really?
Let's see.
- Hey, he's right.
- Ahh. I had my eyes closed there.
- The baby's cute.
- Did you have to pull it out in this room?
- Couldn't you wait
until we got to the tent?
When I saw the little mother
holding that child...
she was the happiest person
I'd seen in my life.
I thought perhaps my sister
should have a chance at that.
So if she must,
she'll have my blessing.
Come on.
We gotta practice for our pony.
of a concert violinist.
He could've been
a surgeon.
I'm running the show.
You're just the anesthetist today.
- I know. It's your band, and I'm just a boy singer.
- Shh!
Now stepping mike-side,
the lovely Hawkeye Pierce...
to sing the very haunting
"Star Spangled Banner. "
Officer?
Labbi Forbris?
- Keep walking, Margaret.
- Please! Labbi Forbris.
- Frank!
- Just keep walking.
She probably wants to sell the baby.
You know how they are.
- Just a second.
- Lookee, missee.
Me sabe and Meme Sabe very busy
working hard all night.
Chow time?
- Major?
- Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
That only puts another dollar
in the bank of permissiveness.
Frank, I want to tell you what
a great job you did this morning.
Skillful technique,
O.R. Efficiency unparalleled.
- A superior team effort.
- Thank you very much.
Now if you could just
get this back in.
- Hello, Chopper.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Hawkeye.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Don.
- Hello, Phil.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Rochester.
Hello, Mr. Benny.
How can you give thanks
for food this bad?
Just being grateful
for my daily bread.
My daily bread's
four days old.
Mail call.
Father.
Ah, it's from my sister,
the sister.
- Maria Angelica.
- I thought her name was Kathy.
Maria Angelica's the name
she took as a nun.
- Her married name.
- No mail for me?
A cancelled subscription?
A lawyer letter?
An apology from my draft board?
It was all a mistake? Something?
This one's marked,
"Occupant, MASH 4077 th. "
Sold.
I'll enjoy this after
the afternoon prayer.
- Who's yours from, Trap?
- My five year old.
Or my wife has started
writing in crayon.
- What's that?
- A picture of a barnyard.
If you can find the faces
of ten...
United States presidents
in this picture...
you can be the proud owner
of a Shetland pony.
Hey, terrific.
I see one already right there.
Coolidge. Right near
the horse's tail.
That's one.
There's Teddy Roosevelt in the tree.
Bully, bully!
You trying to muscle in
on our pony, Father?
Your films came, sir, from the Tabasco
Film Company, Havana, Cuba.
Tee-riff!
Great. Great.
"Yvonne, Renee and Loretta
in What the Parrot Saw. "
- What's the other one say, sir?
- Oh, uh...
"Renee, Loretta and the Parrot
in What Yvonne Saw. "
Uh, sir, could I watch the films
with you this time...
with Captain Mclntyre
and Pierce?
Ah, Radar,
you'd be bored to death.
I mean,
it's all medical stuff.
Uh-huh.
Here's a letter from your wife.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome.
Forbris, Forbris.
There was a Lieutenant Forbes.
Tall, thin guy.
Only dermatologist I ever knew
with pimples.
- Maybe she's looking for Captain Forrest.
- Who?
The brain surgeon
who fell down a lot.
No, no. He's been gone
over two years.
He's got a toy store now.
Read, please.
What?
"Labbi Forbris"
is "rabbi for Bris. "
Yes. Yes.
Sang Min.
She's married to
Walter R. Jacobson, Corporal.
0390-118010.
This is their son,
Sang MinJacobson...
who's too young
to have a number yet.
"The father, busy at the front, is
requesting that a circumcision be performed...
with a traditionalJewish ceremony,
which is known as a Bris. "
I'll do the circumcision...
but you're gonna have to get a Jewish
chaplain to lay on the prayers.
- Can Father Mulcahy doJewish?
- Only if he can read Latin from right to left.
Talk to the father. He's right inside.
He's got a black shirt, white collar.
Cross around the neck.
Oh, a padre.
Si.
We don't get
a lot of those cases.
I don't remember a single soldier
coming through in diapers before.
Doc, run to the Motor Pool.
I'll throw you a long one.
- Arm like a rifle.
- Hall of Famer.
Bet they retire
your smock.
Guys, did I get a letter from my wife!
Oh, man! Fantastic!
We're happy for you.
Did the movies come?
- Yeah. What the Parrot Saw.
- I love animal films.
- What time is the screening?
- Midnight in the generator shed.
But never mind! I've got to tell you
about Lorraine's letter.
- Millard Fillmore.
- Hey, great!
Who?
We're gonna take your picture on a pony
so you can send it home to your wife.
What pony?
Read this letter. What a woman!
I bet there isn't a guy here in
this godforsaken toilet with trees...
that's got his wife's permission
to horse around.
- "Dear Henry. "
- We read it, Henry.
"I know, darling, what you're going
through... the hardships, loneliness...
living in tents
like animals. "
- I didn't know animals lived in tents.
- Neither did I.
"So if it should happen
that you meet another woman... "
"So if it should happen
that you meet another woman...
someone who is kind, I would
certainly understand, my darling. "
- Can you believe her?
- I'm still having trouble believing you.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
You said something
about taking a picture.
- Could we do it now? I'd like to send it to her.
- We don't have the pony yet.
Oh, okay.
- Prince.
- Lightning.
- Norman.
- Buck.
Norman's a great name
for a pony.
The other horses'll
make fun of him.
Yeah. And he'll probably
have to wear glasses.
Well, there's
Captain Epstein.
He's a very fine
Jewish chaplain.
We went through
indoctrination together.
Lovely fellow, Eppy.
Water-skier, paratrooper.
A bit meshuga, actually.
He's with the 109th.
However, he's not Orthodox.
He's Conservative.
Oh, I don't think she'd want
anything flashy.
If you can't get Captain Epstein,
try the Navy, Marines.
Let's get this little fellow
taken care of.
It's a lovely boy.
Did I remember to give you
that letter from your sister?
Yes, yes.
I was about to read it.
Please, don't be worried
about the circumcision.
Some of my best friends
have had one.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you.
#Kyrie eleison #
- Fragment at L-3, one centimeter.
- L-3.
Compression fracture,
L-4, lesions and trauma.
- Finished.
- Good.
That O.D. T-shirt
makes me crazy.
I wanted to bite you
in the chow line.
I didn't see anything.
You seen anything, Trap?
- I didn't see a thing.
- We were simply checking spines.
Did you find out
you each had one?
Would you make up
50 of these for me?
I don't know which one of you
is more obscene.
- He is. We took a poll.
- What are you doing?
Is thatJames Buchanan
under the haystack?
What would a president
be doing under a haystack?
What am I doing in South Korea
without a paddle?
What's this I hear about you
performing a "cirky" on an infant?
- That's elective surgery.
- Against regulations.
So is groping in the X ray room
without leather aprons.
The mother and child happen to be
dependents of an American soldier.
Isn't that
John Quincy Adams?
That dependent card and letter
could be forgeries.
Sounds like one
of their rackets to me.
Right. She gets rich taking her baby
around to hospitals getting him circumcised.
Come on, Major.
Going to do more research?
Pace yourself, kids.
It might be a long war.
Right there.
That big red apple.
Ulysses S. Grant's nose.
Hey, you guys think my wife
could have a guilty conscience?
What are you talking about?
Where'd you get an idea like that?
- I saw that.
- Read between the lines.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
- He's right, Henry. That's exactly
what it says. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- Why? Why?
The country club.
That's what it is. That country club.
- Right.
- A thousand dollars to join, 150 a month green fees.
- For what?
- What?
Heartbreak, that's what.
Nothing but heartbreak.
Say good morning to the pro,
and he sells you an alpaca sweater.
Right.
That was the 109th.
Captain Epstein's been rotated
to Temple Beth El in Buffalo.
- Who? - The chaplain that does
water-skiing and circumcisions.
Hey, those are
good hobbies.
I used to collect
butterflies.
I never caught any, though.
I got a sick moth once.
He was eating my father's blue serge,
and I slammed the closet door on him.
- I'll try someone else.
- All right.
121 st, please.
Nah. Lorraine would
never do anything wrong.
Who am I speaking to?
Uh, Corporal Sweeny?
You guys got a rabbi down there?
It's for a Bris.
It's like a christening
performed on newborn male personnel...
who areJewish Hebrews.
Right, you go look.
I'll wait.
It's all in
your imagination, Henry.
I don't know.
I've seen those single guys
checking on the wives at the club.
Them and their brown and white
wing-tip shoes.
They don't care.
You know, one hot night
a couple summers ago...
one of'em cut in
on me and Lorraine at the dance.
He didn't even have the decency
to hold her with a hanky over his hand.
Next dance with me,
she had a soggy back.
- You're doing the jack story, Henry.
- I know what started it.
She took up tennis.
She wears those
short, little skirts.
Lorraine has gorgeous legs since
her varicose vein operation.
- Have a drink, Henry.
- What legs.
Sailor followed her once
four blocks...
and she was wearing
orthopedic shoes.
Maybe it would help if
you took a long walk in a mine field.
- Have a talk with Father Mulcahy.
- Well...
Hey!
Now that's a good idea.
I just won't mention that the
country club doesn't allow Catholics.
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
How could you think
of such a thing?
Father?
Father, I've got to talk to you
about my wife.
My sister wants
to leave the order.
There's guilt
all over this letter.
She's such
a fantastic nun.
I'd stack her up against
any nun in the business.
I gave her whatever she needed,
even if she didn't want it.
God smiled on her
from the start.
Imagine! A basketball scholarship
at the Holy Name Academy.
Appendices, adenoids,
tonsils.
I took something out of
every member of her family.
And all freebies.
She's been teaching.
She loves children.
Now she thinks she might
like one of her own.
Lorraine can be
a little flirty...
especially after a couple
of Scotch and Seven-Ups.
Now she wants my approval.
I don't know what
to tell her.
I don't know what to say.
I think I got a Bris guy
zeroed in on the carrier Essex.
Oh, good, Radar.
Stay on it.
Yes, Father, sir.
Well, anything else,
Colonel?
No. No, thank you, Father.
It certainly helps...
to talk to someone about
these things who's sympathetic.
Anytime, my son.
What's your diagnosis?
We got it isolated.
At exactly 1400 hours.
It isn't a president's face,
but it's political-looking.
- It's a cow chip.
- Keep searching.
One more president to go,
and we're pony owners.
She's such
a fantastic nun.
One of your top nuns.
Radar, who do I see
about getting an emergency furlough?
- First you see the chaplain.
- But I am the chaplain.
Right. Then he, who is in your
case you, contacts the Red Cross...
which gets back to you,
since you're him.
How's that?
4077 th MASH.
No kidding? Great!
We got a Jewish chaplain,
Father.
Go ahead.
Lieutenant Commander Cornfield.
He's on the carrier Essex
off Inchon.
I can reach him by code
for the next four hours.
Do I know
what you're saying?
He could radio us the Bris ceremony,
and you officiate.
Oh, yes, yes.
That'll work.
Tell the rabbi
roger, kosher and out.
- You're both gonna be sorry.
- Very sorry.
I found a way to have tangible evidence that
you will have performed elective surgery.
- And there'll be none of your weaseling out of it.
- Have you finished?
- I have.
- Your fly is untied.
- Really!
- Colonel, do you realize...
No, Frank. Or, yes, Frank.
Whichever you prefer to hear.
I'm sure of it now,
guys.
I even know who it is.
Lyle Pendergrast.
Always kissing her hand.
One time he got his mustache
caught in her ring.
- Wow, his eyes watered.
- Henry!
You know what I've been doing?
Crying.
I never cry.
I never cried as a kid.
Go ahead. Hit me on the arm
as hard as you can. I won't cry.
- Go on.
- It's no sin to cry.
It is in Bloomington.
Tractor tipped over on my father once...
and he walked five miles
into the woods to scream.
Why don't you patch through
to the States and call your wife?
As soon as you hear her voice,
you'll realize that everything is okay.
For a second, I thought
you were gonna say "hunky-dory. "
It crossed my mind.
Yeah, I'll hear her voice.
We'll talk about the kids...
and I'll hear the dog
barking in the yard.
Let it all out, Henry.
Come on.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Watch.
4077 th MASH.
Yeah, right.
One sec.
Sir?
Your call to Bloomington.
- It's Mrs. Colonel, your wife, sir.
- Oh.
- You look fine, sir.
- Can you tell I've been crying?
- No.
- Good.
You can only have two minutes on
the line. That's all I could get.
Hi, Lorraine.
It's me, Henry.
Oh, I'm, uh...
I'm fine, dear.
How are you?
Oh, swell, honey.
Kids good? Terrific.
No, no, no.
I'm still here at the war.
No, I haven't been shot
or anything.
The latrine caught fire the other day.
I was in it.
But nothing important got burned,
just a little singed.
What?
Well, yes.
Yes, there is something I...
You're gonna think
this is really silly.
I mean,
it's gonna make you laugh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, uh...
Lorraine, I want you to be
as honest with me...
as I've always tried
to be with you.
I mean, your letter today.
Uh, your last letter?
It could be interpreted as...
Who?
Al Franklin?
Do I know him?
Yeah, I know him.
Tall guy, 12 handicap,
drives a yellow Jag.
The Pumpkin Dance
at the country club?
Uh-huh.
Ah, Lorraine!
Lorraine!
An orthodontist!
Well, I mean, honey,
don't, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
All right, Lorraine.
Go ahead, cry.
Yeah. Yes, I...
I know the movie,
Brief Encounter.
What a...
Lorraine,
that's only a movie! I...
Lorraine?
Sir, Lieutenant Commander Cornfield
is standing by on the Essex.
- We're ready to start the ceremony.
- Ceremony?
Yeah. TheJacobson kid,
Sang Min?
- Go ahead, Radar. Whatever.
- Yes, sir.
It's clean, sir.
Oh, Lorraine. Orthodontist!
Testing.
One, two, three, four.
Testing.
Mea culpa. Mea culpa.
Have you got the chair,
Father?
Oh, right.
They're ready on board the Essex.
You ready to perform?
# Mi-mi-mi-mi #
Ready.
- What's the chair for?
- For the standby father.
Will you sit on it?
And keep your hands on the baby.
- Sit down. It lets you use your best part.
- Bring in the child.
Uh, Father,
the first thing to say is...
"Repeat after me.
May he who comest be blessed. "
Repeat after me.
May he who comest
be blessed.
May he who comest be blessed.
- Go ahead, Radar.
"Happy is he whom thou choosest
and bringest, uh, nigh. "
"Happy is he whom thou choosest
and bringest nigh...
that he may dwell
in thy courts. "
I warned you. This is elective surgery.
I'm taking pictures.
- F-28. It's dark in here.
- Right.
Frank, have you been sniffing
medical samples again?
Uh...
Uh, now, Father, you put
a drop of wine in the baby's mouth.
A drop of wine
in the baby's mouth.
God of our fathers,
preserve this child...
and let his name
be called in Israel...
Sang Min,
son of Walter R.
Let us rejoice.
They're fading, Father.
Wait a minute.
I've lost the Essex.
We've lost them,
and I don't think we're finished.
Everybody.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Shall I diaper, Doctor?
- Yes, and then the baby.
Shall we head
for the sponge cake?
- You did good work, Doctor.
- When did I not?
- Hey.
- What?
I think I know where the face
of the tenth president is.
Aha! Got it!
Got every bit of it on film.
Really?
Let's see.
- Hey, he's right.
- Ahh. I had my eyes closed there.
- The baby's cute.
- Did you have to pull it out in this room?
- Couldn't you wait
until we got to the tent?
When I saw the little mother
holding that child...
she was the happiest person
I'd seen in my life.
I thought perhaps my sister
should have a chance at that.
So if she must,
she'll have my blessing.
Come on.
We gotta practice for our pony.