M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 9 - Alcoholics Unanimous - full transcript
When Henry goes to Tokyo for a conference Frank outlaws alcoholic beverages and dismantles the still but discovers that it's not so easy to dry out the 4077th.
#America, I love you #
#You're like a sweetheart of mine #
- [Thunderclaps]
- #From ocean to ocean #
# For you my devotion
is touching each boundary line #
#Just like a little baby... #
- [Audio Off]
- Sound! What's with the sound?
Come on, let's hear it!
Hold your bloomers!
Draw me another martini.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention all personnel.
Seoul H.Q. Reports that rain
is expected this evening.
A lot they know.
[Thunderclaps]
What's it about?
This girl goes to the big city
and loses her voice.
[No Audio]
- Care for a martini?
- I had an apple in my tent.
You really know how to live.
Klinger, what about the sound?
You ask for sound
and you get water.
That's show business.
- Sure you don't want a martini?
- Does it mix with apples?
- Was Lincoln a car?
- Maybe a sip.
- Ohh.
- Nutritious and character-building.
#And there's a hundred million
others like me #
[Cheering]
[Together]
# Like me ##
[Explosion]
What is this?
Come on, will ya?
- Listen.
- Let's blow.
Wait till the crowd thins out.
It'll be easier to get a cab.
- The evening is still young.
You got any plans, Lieutenant?
- I'm going straight to bed.
- Best offer I've had all night.
- Bye-bye.
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
It's 8:30. It's pouring.
No movie. No soft personnel.
I'd rather be down in Seoul
hearing Henry's lecture.
Colonel Blake reviews the military
position on the hemorrhoid?
I'd rather be here.
Sitting on my own.
I'm gonna get in trouble
for this, sir.
Captain Mclntyre and Pierce
are gonna kill me.
I'm in command until Colonel Blake's
absence is replaced with his presence.
That still is coming down.
Captain Pierce calls it
his "wellspring of life."
That's just something he read
in Cosmopolitan.
- What the hell's goin' on?
- He's taking apart the still!
Are you bonkers, Frank?
What for?
Don't you use that tone with me!
Ah, sir, may I be excused?
I think I'm getting a sty.
Yes, yes, you little coward!
He made me, uh... l...
[Hawkeye]
Is it broken?
Testing, one, two, three.
Ahh!
Nectar of the gods.
Mother's milk.
You two are alcoholics.
Hopeless, elbow-bending boozers.
In your ear.
Oh, yeah, boy?
"From the deputy assistant
undersecretary of defense
on drug and alcohol abuse.
"Surveys have shown
that 57.230...
of all military personnel
in the Asian Theater
have a drinking problem."
We do not have
a drinking problem.
- Right, Smedley?
- Righto.
They've enclosed a test.
Do you think there's
too much vermouth in this?
Not for me. It's a little more ginny
than the last batch, though.
Mmm. Maybe, maybe.
First question: "Do you think
and talk about drinking often?"
- No, of course not.
I see what you mean about the gin.
- Hell, no!
"Do you sometimes gulp drinks?"
Ahh. Never.
"Do you sometimes forget what
happened while you were drinking?"
What?
Question number three:
"Do you sometimes forget what
happened while you were drinking?"
- What happened to question number two?
- He forgot it.
He forgets while we drink.
- The answer to question
number three is no.
- There's just no question.
You're alcoholics!
You drink constantly!
All right, we drink.
We drink so we can get through
these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
- We're cold, filthy, lonely.
- Scared, bored, tired.
Frightened and very drowsy.
And on top of that, Alice Faye goes
to the big city and loses her voice.
- She didn't?
- Yeah!
We need a drink!
I don't give one whit about
your personal problems.
I hereby declare this unit dry.
Total prohibition!
And that is an official order!
[Thunderclaps]
Boy, when you make it official,
you make it official!
... omnibus, pro quibus...
illud obtuli sit...
te miserante propitiabile.
Per Christum Dominum nostrum.
Amen.
Benedicat
vos omnipotens Deus...
Pater et Filius
et Spiritus Sanctus.
Nice service, Father.
Oh, Klinger. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
You're the only one who
ever comes to Sunday services.
You're a very religious man.
I'm really an atheist.
But it gives me a chance
to wear my white gloves.
Oh. How's your section eight
coming along?
I don't think
the dresses are working.
I may have to reenlist
to prove I'm crazy.
- Father, we got a problem.
- Frank Burns tore down
our still and hid it.
- While we were in surgery.
- Ain't you gonna say anything
about my outfit?
- Later.
- Say something nice about his gloves.
- Huh?
- His gloves.
I love your gloves, Klinger.
Sears catalog.
They were having a white sale.
You trace your hands on paper
to give 'em your right size.
However, if you want the black...
You really don't care, do you?
I'm sorry your still
is broken, Hawkeye.
Did you want to pray for it
or anything?
Father, what we wanted was a drink.
We've been in the O.R. All night.
- We operated on everything
but each other.
- You got some sacramental wine?
Well, yes, I have.
But the drinking of it
is part of a religious service.
You have to be a priest.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
My confession alone
would take a year.
I'm sorry I can't help you.
You'll have to excuse me. It's time
for 11:00 Protestant services.
- Do you wanna pray for booze?
- I'll try anything.
Oh, well... how nice.
Go ahead.
My friends, let's open
our service today...
by singing hymn 216
on page 50 of your green book.
#All things bright
and beautiful #
#All creatures
great and small ##
It's true, Margaret.
Leadership is a lonely thing...
but the satisfactions
are overwhelming.
Oh, Frank, every day you remind me
more and more of Dad.
The colonel?
Your natural leadership,
the receding hairline...
those two warts on your back.
I could've gotten an
appointment to West Point...
but my congressman
was a Lithuanian.
Foreign.
Help me a minute.
- [Chuckling]
- What?
[Laughing] You should've seen those
"hooch hounds," Pierce and Mclntyre...
when I outlawed alcohol
on this post.
Hmph! They were furious when
I took away their "glug-glug."
You deactivated their still?
- And mothballed it.
- And outlawed...
And they claim
they're not alcoholics.
These childish, silly reasons
for their drinking.
"I'm cold, I'm bored,
I'm frightened."
[Chuckle]
Frank?
Darling.
I have a confession to make.
- Margaret!
- It's an heirloom given to Mother
by Father on their bridal night.
"To my buttercup,
from Alvin.
"The best things
are worth waiting for.
Bottoms up."
Well, it's very nice to carry
fruit juice, lemonade, whatever.
- Frank, I carry brandy.
- I didn't hear that!
Sometimes I can't make it without it.
I'm cold and frightened too.
My baby.
Don't take away
my little "nippy" bottle.
It's only got
a drop or two in it.
It's all right, darling. In...
In your case, it's nerve medicine.
- [Knocking On Door]
- Shoot!
- What is it, Corporal?
- Uh, uh, the...
- Well? What is it?
- The daily report
needs to be signed, sir.
I didn't see anything unusual, sir.
- Come on, come on, fingers.
- I'm trying to find the right key.
- That looks right.
- My wife's car.
What are you doing with it over here?
She's a lousy driver.
- What's that for, her chastity belt?
- Get off it.
Well, you won't let her drive.
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.
Lousy Frank's hidden
every drop in the camp.
He's a fink, Frank.
A "frink" is what he is.
But we'll get around him or
my name's not whatever my name is.
Potassium permanganate.
Huh.
It'll kill you, but you won't have
fungus of the stomach.
- I need the real thing.
- [Clunking Noise]
[Gasps]
How 'bout a little light, Margaret?
Don't wanna strain your eyes.
I was just...
checking... supplies.
- A tireless worker.
- A beautiful soul.
- You're the woman my mother
always hoped I'd be.
- Give us a shot, Margaret.
Shot?
This is just medicine.
Tell us what it is,
we'll get the disease.
It makes it 100%% .
This place is now bone dry.
Yes, sir.
The men detest me, don't they?
- Oh, no, sir.
- You can tell the truth.
They hate me, don't they?
Just your guts, sir.
This is for their own good.
They don't have to love me.
I'm sure they'll be very happy
to hear that, Major.
You don't have to stand there
talking to me. Go to sleep.
I can do both
at the same time.
- Good night, Corporal.
- Good night, uh, sir.
# I wish there were
a radio way up in heaven #
# So I could say hello
to Mother every day ##
I didn't know you could sing.
- Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
- [Laughing]
What the devil's
going on in here?
Frank, baby!
# Come on in, take off your skin
and rattle around in your bones #
# Come on in, take off your skin
and rattle around... #
# Rattle around
in your bones ##
- Major Houlihan!
- Whoop!
This really cuts me
to the quick!
That's quite all right.
His quick could use some cutting.
Let me have that.
- Where did this liquor come from?
- Oh, shh! It's a secret.
- Don't tell anybody.
- Don't tell anyone.
- As your commanding officer, I insist!
- Shh!
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay.
You take 11 string beans,
one onion...
half a radish
and four "banamas."
Right, "banamas."
You mix it all up and you...
and you let it soak for six weeks.
- [Hawkeye] Days.
- Days.
You better write this down.
Then you look around
and you find the tallest tree...
and you hang the stuff
in an "emena" bag.
And you let it lay there
for 18 weeks.
- [Trapper] Days.
- Days. Thank you.
That tears it!
From now on, anyone...
anyone caught with any kind
of intoxicating beverage...
- will be severely disciplined!
- No one!
We'll drink to that!
[Muttering]
Who was that?
Have you ever given a lecture
on temperance, Father?
On the evils of drink?
Well, no, I haven't.
But on the troop ship, I was asked
to give a lecture on the sex thing.
- Good!
- Well, being celibate,
I didn't feel qualified.
They called in a Protestant.
He had a film.
About two sailors.
One was from Cleveland,
ostensibly...
and the other from
a small, rural area.
The city boy decided to stay
on his ship and write
his high school sweetheart.
Lovely young girl, with
a megaphone on her chest.
Father, please,
this is important.
The country boy got mixed up with
a young lady who lived in a trailer...
with three other young ladies...
and a man with a whip.
- Father...
- Broke his wristwatch and everything.
Father Mulcahy.
[Clears Throat]
I need a fire and brimstone
lecture on the evils of drink.
- Can you do it?
- I'm sure I can.
But no one ever comes
to any of my services.
I'm not very magnetic.
Oh, they'll be there.
It'll be a general order.
No one will be excused.
Well, I'll try, sir.
I won't be alone.
He'll be by my side.
If He only had a film.
Move your thumb, and put
a retractor in here instead.
I don't have three hands.
Ask a nurse to do it, Doctor!
- More suction.
- If I want more suction,
I'll ask for more suction.
More suction.
That boy was full of shrapnel.
You're kidding? I thought
he swallowed the egg money.
- You did a good job, Doctor.
- Who asked you?
Dr. Schweitzer's in a hurry
for his organ lesson.
I'm not worthy of you, Frank.
You try, Margaret.
That's what counts.
I'm willing to forgive.
I'm willing to forget...
because it's something
I'll always remember.
Oh, Frank,
you're so above average.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention!
Father Mulcahy's temperance lecture
is scheduled for 1300 hours.
No personnel will be excepted...
by order of Major Frank Burns,
temporary commander and surgeon.
This is one personnel
that's not going.
The instrument has yet to be invented
which can measure my indifference
to that remark.
You use my razor?
I've had several complaints
about my armpits.
You've got Field and Stream
mixed in with my Joys of Nudity.
Big deal.
I'd rather see a naked girl than
a canoe built in a dentist's garage.
This blade is dull.
Well, if the blade fits...
Always a shot, always the needle.
Mr. Glib. Never at a loss for words.
Run up an alley and holler "fish."
Oh, clever. Very clever.
Aah!
Field and Stream.
How can you read this stuff?
Listen, I'm so bored,
I'm rereading my draft notices.
"How to Wrap a Grizzly Bear
for Mailing."
You used my towel.
I left a quarter.
- Popular Mechanics?
- Save that. I'm making a lamp
out of a lawn mower.
You know something?
You're a slob. A slob! A real slob!
- I'm a slob?
- Yeah!
Whose toenails are always
under my bed with nobody in 'em?
- So they jump when I cut 'em.
- Point your feet out the door.
You don't suppose it's true?
- What true?
- That we're alcoholics.
If I thought that, I'd rent
myself out to a firing squad.
Right. Very good.
I can take it or leave it.
Then why are you afraid
to go to the lecture?
- Five bucks.
- Deal.
After you used that filthy towel?
[Klinger]
It's really filling up, Father.
Already?
I can't believe it.
Oh, sweet Mary.
I've never had an audience this size.
You're shaking, Father.
Well, drinking is not
my best subject.
"Turning the Other Cheek,"
"The Prodigal Son."
I'm better with the standards.
Father, maybe a little bracer?
Something to calm you down?
- You have anything around here?
- Oh. In my desk...
there's a bottle
of some sorts, I think.
The gift of a young marine.
A thank you for
a very successful confession.
This'll get you there.
And back!
Frank, what a turnout.
Lemmings must be directed to the sea.
You're magic with a phrase.
Winston Churchill said,
"Men can move mountains with words."
His mother was American, you know.
So was mine.
Frank, look at the door.
How 'bout sucking in
your shoulders?
Pardon my build.
Hi.
Move your keister.
- Couldn't just slide over, huh?
- Go mail a bear.
Sound!
Where's the sound?
- Will you move over?
- Lard butt!
[Knocking On Door]
- Excuse me.
- Better be good, Father.
Ziegfeld's out front.
[Clears Throat]
My friends, let me quote
from Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou...
"nor thy sons with thee...
"when ye go into the tabernacle
of the congregation, lest ye die;
[Clears Throat]
It shall be a statute forever
throughout your generations. "
My friends,
the Lord said this to Aaron...
after the passing away of his
beloved sons, Nadab and Abi'hu.
It's rather warm in here.
Radar, would you open one
of the stained glass windows?
My friends...
let me quote Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou...
nor thy sons with thee."
- [Hawkeye] We saw this.
- Shh.
Friends, let me
tell you something...
however compulsory it may be.
There's no film.
I am live.
Now back to where we were
when you last heard from me.
It was with Leviticus
on the tenth, I believe.
"Drink thee not...
"nor thee, thou sons...
"lest ye die.
Nor congregate
at the corner tabernacle."
I'd like to take...
a short sabbatical...
or a cup of coffee.
Or I wonder, is there
a doctor in the tent?
- Father, are you all right?
- Ow!
- Get your big feet out of the way!
- My big feet?
Please don't rise.
- Ow!
- Frank?
That's it, everybody.
The 18th Amendment has been repealed!
[Cheering]
Have I ever told you folks
the one about the prodigal son?
Retraction.
- Suction, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
Very nice.
Very neat.
Thank you, Doctor.
Pierce, Mclntyre?
- Yo?
- We're still here, Frank.
Now tell the truth.
Don't you feel better for drinking less?
Absolutely! My skin is clear, my eyes
are bright, my tummy loves me again.
Good. Now just remember. Moderation.
No more secret drinking.
Right. Have you made
the incision, Doctor?
- Yep.
- Nurse, two straws, please.
#You're like a sweetheart of mine #
- [Thunderclaps]
- #From ocean to ocean #
# For you my devotion
is touching each boundary line #
#Just like a little baby... #
- [Audio Off]
- Sound! What's with the sound?
Come on, let's hear it!
Hold your bloomers!
Draw me another martini.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention all personnel.
Seoul H.Q. Reports that rain
is expected this evening.
A lot they know.
[Thunderclaps]
What's it about?
This girl goes to the big city
and loses her voice.
[No Audio]
- Care for a martini?
- I had an apple in my tent.
You really know how to live.
Klinger, what about the sound?
You ask for sound
and you get water.
That's show business.
- Sure you don't want a martini?
- Does it mix with apples?
- Was Lincoln a car?
- Maybe a sip.
- Ohh.
- Nutritious and character-building.
#And there's a hundred million
others like me #
[Cheering]
[Together]
# Like me ##
[Explosion]
What is this?
Come on, will ya?
- Listen.
- Let's blow.
Wait till the crowd thins out.
It'll be easier to get a cab.
- The evening is still young.
You got any plans, Lieutenant?
- I'm going straight to bed.
- Best offer I've had all night.
- Bye-bye.
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
It's 8:30. It's pouring.
No movie. No soft personnel.
I'd rather be down in Seoul
hearing Henry's lecture.
Colonel Blake reviews the military
position on the hemorrhoid?
I'd rather be here.
Sitting on my own.
I'm gonna get in trouble
for this, sir.
Captain Mclntyre and Pierce
are gonna kill me.
I'm in command until Colonel Blake's
absence is replaced with his presence.
That still is coming down.
Captain Pierce calls it
his "wellspring of life."
That's just something he read
in Cosmopolitan.
- What the hell's goin' on?
- He's taking apart the still!
Are you bonkers, Frank?
What for?
Don't you use that tone with me!
Ah, sir, may I be excused?
I think I'm getting a sty.
Yes, yes, you little coward!
He made me, uh... l...
[Hawkeye]
Is it broken?
Testing, one, two, three.
Ahh!
Nectar of the gods.
Mother's milk.
You two are alcoholics.
Hopeless, elbow-bending boozers.
In your ear.
Oh, yeah, boy?
"From the deputy assistant
undersecretary of defense
on drug and alcohol abuse.
"Surveys have shown
that 57.230...
of all military personnel
in the Asian Theater
have a drinking problem."
We do not have
a drinking problem.
- Right, Smedley?
- Righto.
They've enclosed a test.
Do you think there's
too much vermouth in this?
Not for me. It's a little more ginny
than the last batch, though.
Mmm. Maybe, maybe.
First question: "Do you think
and talk about drinking often?"
- No, of course not.
I see what you mean about the gin.
- Hell, no!
"Do you sometimes gulp drinks?"
Ahh. Never.
"Do you sometimes forget what
happened while you were drinking?"
What?
Question number three:
"Do you sometimes forget what
happened while you were drinking?"
- What happened to question number two?
- He forgot it.
He forgets while we drink.
- The answer to question
number three is no.
- There's just no question.
You're alcoholics!
You drink constantly!
All right, we drink.
We drink so we can get through
these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
- We're cold, filthy, lonely.
- Scared, bored, tired.
Frightened and very drowsy.
And on top of that, Alice Faye goes
to the big city and loses her voice.
- She didn't?
- Yeah!
We need a drink!
I don't give one whit about
your personal problems.
I hereby declare this unit dry.
Total prohibition!
And that is an official order!
[Thunderclaps]
Boy, when you make it official,
you make it official!
... omnibus, pro quibus...
illud obtuli sit...
te miserante propitiabile.
Per Christum Dominum nostrum.
Amen.
Benedicat
vos omnipotens Deus...
Pater et Filius
et Spiritus Sanctus.
Nice service, Father.
Oh, Klinger. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
You're the only one who
ever comes to Sunday services.
You're a very religious man.
I'm really an atheist.
But it gives me a chance
to wear my white gloves.
Oh. How's your section eight
coming along?
I don't think
the dresses are working.
I may have to reenlist
to prove I'm crazy.
- Father, we got a problem.
- Frank Burns tore down
our still and hid it.
- While we were in surgery.
- Ain't you gonna say anything
about my outfit?
- Later.
- Say something nice about his gloves.
- Huh?
- His gloves.
I love your gloves, Klinger.
Sears catalog.
They were having a white sale.
You trace your hands on paper
to give 'em your right size.
However, if you want the black...
You really don't care, do you?
I'm sorry your still
is broken, Hawkeye.
Did you want to pray for it
or anything?
Father, what we wanted was a drink.
We've been in the O.R. All night.
- We operated on everything
but each other.
- You got some sacramental wine?
Well, yes, I have.
But the drinking of it
is part of a religious service.
You have to be a priest.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
My confession alone
would take a year.
I'm sorry I can't help you.
You'll have to excuse me. It's time
for 11:00 Protestant services.
- Do you wanna pray for booze?
- I'll try anything.
Oh, well... how nice.
Go ahead.
My friends, let's open
our service today...
by singing hymn 216
on page 50 of your green book.
#All things bright
and beautiful #
#All creatures
great and small ##
It's true, Margaret.
Leadership is a lonely thing...
but the satisfactions
are overwhelming.
Oh, Frank, every day you remind me
more and more of Dad.
The colonel?
Your natural leadership,
the receding hairline...
those two warts on your back.
I could've gotten an
appointment to West Point...
but my congressman
was a Lithuanian.
Foreign.
Help me a minute.
- [Chuckling]
- What?
[Laughing] You should've seen those
"hooch hounds," Pierce and Mclntyre...
when I outlawed alcohol
on this post.
Hmph! They were furious when
I took away their "glug-glug."
You deactivated their still?
- And mothballed it.
- And outlawed...
And they claim
they're not alcoholics.
These childish, silly reasons
for their drinking.
"I'm cold, I'm bored,
I'm frightened."
[Chuckle]
Frank?
Darling.
I have a confession to make.
- Margaret!
- It's an heirloom given to Mother
by Father on their bridal night.
"To my buttercup,
from Alvin.
"The best things
are worth waiting for.
Bottoms up."
Well, it's very nice to carry
fruit juice, lemonade, whatever.
- Frank, I carry brandy.
- I didn't hear that!
Sometimes I can't make it without it.
I'm cold and frightened too.
My baby.
Don't take away
my little "nippy" bottle.
It's only got
a drop or two in it.
It's all right, darling. In...
In your case, it's nerve medicine.
- [Knocking On Door]
- Shoot!
- What is it, Corporal?
- Uh, uh, the...
- Well? What is it?
- The daily report
needs to be signed, sir.
I didn't see anything unusual, sir.
- Come on, come on, fingers.
- I'm trying to find the right key.
- That looks right.
- My wife's car.
What are you doing with it over here?
She's a lousy driver.
- What's that for, her chastity belt?
- Get off it.
Well, you won't let her drive.
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.
Lousy Frank's hidden
every drop in the camp.
He's a fink, Frank.
A "frink" is what he is.
But we'll get around him or
my name's not whatever my name is.
Potassium permanganate.
Huh.
It'll kill you, but you won't have
fungus of the stomach.
- I need the real thing.
- [Clunking Noise]
[Gasps]
How 'bout a little light, Margaret?
Don't wanna strain your eyes.
I was just...
checking... supplies.
- A tireless worker.
- A beautiful soul.
- You're the woman my mother
always hoped I'd be.
- Give us a shot, Margaret.
Shot?
This is just medicine.
Tell us what it is,
we'll get the disease.
It makes it 100%% .
This place is now bone dry.
Yes, sir.
The men detest me, don't they?
- Oh, no, sir.
- You can tell the truth.
They hate me, don't they?
Just your guts, sir.
This is for their own good.
They don't have to love me.
I'm sure they'll be very happy
to hear that, Major.
You don't have to stand there
talking to me. Go to sleep.
I can do both
at the same time.
- Good night, Corporal.
- Good night, uh, sir.
# I wish there were
a radio way up in heaven #
# So I could say hello
to Mother every day ##
I didn't know you could sing.
- Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
- [Laughing]
What the devil's
going on in here?
Frank, baby!
# Come on in, take off your skin
and rattle around in your bones #
# Come on in, take off your skin
and rattle around... #
# Rattle around
in your bones ##
- Major Houlihan!
- Whoop!
This really cuts me
to the quick!
That's quite all right.
His quick could use some cutting.
Let me have that.
- Where did this liquor come from?
- Oh, shh! It's a secret.
- Don't tell anybody.
- Don't tell anyone.
- As your commanding officer, I insist!
- Shh!
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay.
You take 11 string beans,
one onion...
half a radish
and four "banamas."
Right, "banamas."
You mix it all up and you...
and you let it soak for six weeks.
- [Hawkeye] Days.
- Days.
You better write this down.
Then you look around
and you find the tallest tree...
and you hang the stuff
in an "emena" bag.
And you let it lay there
for 18 weeks.
- [Trapper] Days.
- Days. Thank you.
That tears it!
From now on, anyone...
anyone caught with any kind
of intoxicating beverage...
- will be severely disciplined!
- No one!
We'll drink to that!
[Muttering]
Who was that?
Have you ever given a lecture
on temperance, Father?
On the evils of drink?
Well, no, I haven't.
But on the troop ship, I was asked
to give a lecture on the sex thing.
- Good!
- Well, being celibate,
I didn't feel qualified.
They called in a Protestant.
He had a film.
About two sailors.
One was from Cleveland,
ostensibly...
and the other from
a small, rural area.
The city boy decided to stay
on his ship and write
his high school sweetheart.
Lovely young girl, with
a megaphone on her chest.
Father, please,
this is important.
The country boy got mixed up with
a young lady who lived in a trailer...
with three other young ladies...
and a man with a whip.
- Father...
- Broke his wristwatch and everything.
Father Mulcahy.
[Clears Throat]
I need a fire and brimstone
lecture on the evils of drink.
- Can you do it?
- I'm sure I can.
But no one ever comes
to any of my services.
I'm not very magnetic.
Oh, they'll be there.
It'll be a general order.
No one will be excused.
Well, I'll try, sir.
I won't be alone.
He'll be by my side.
If He only had a film.
Move your thumb, and put
a retractor in here instead.
I don't have three hands.
Ask a nurse to do it, Doctor!
- More suction.
- If I want more suction,
I'll ask for more suction.
More suction.
That boy was full of shrapnel.
You're kidding? I thought
he swallowed the egg money.
- You did a good job, Doctor.
- Who asked you?
Dr. Schweitzer's in a hurry
for his organ lesson.
I'm not worthy of you, Frank.
You try, Margaret.
That's what counts.
I'm willing to forgive.
I'm willing to forget...
because it's something
I'll always remember.
Oh, Frank,
you're so above average.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention!
Father Mulcahy's temperance lecture
is scheduled for 1300 hours.
No personnel will be excepted...
by order of Major Frank Burns,
temporary commander and surgeon.
This is one personnel
that's not going.
The instrument has yet to be invented
which can measure my indifference
to that remark.
You use my razor?
I've had several complaints
about my armpits.
You've got Field and Stream
mixed in with my Joys of Nudity.
Big deal.
I'd rather see a naked girl than
a canoe built in a dentist's garage.
This blade is dull.
Well, if the blade fits...
Always a shot, always the needle.
Mr. Glib. Never at a loss for words.
Run up an alley and holler "fish."
Oh, clever. Very clever.
Aah!
Field and Stream.
How can you read this stuff?
Listen, I'm so bored,
I'm rereading my draft notices.
"How to Wrap a Grizzly Bear
for Mailing."
You used my towel.
I left a quarter.
- Popular Mechanics?
- Save that. I'm making a lamp
out of a lawn mower.
You know something?
You're a slob. A slob! A real slob!
- I'm a slob?
- Yeah!
Whose toenails are always
under my bed with nobody in 'em?
- So they jump when I cut 'em.
- Point your feet out the door.
You don't suppose it's true?
- What true?
- That we're alcoholics.
If I thought that, I'd rent
myself out to a firing squad.
Right. Very good.
I can take it or leave it.
Then why are you afraid
to go to the lecture?
- Five bucks.
- Deal.
After you used that filthy towel?
[Klinger]
It's really filling up, Father.
Already?
I can't believe it.
Oh, sweet Mary.
I've never had an audience this size.
You're shaking, Father.
Well, drinking is not
my best subject.
"Turning the Other Cheek,"
"The Prodigal Son."
I'm better with the standards.
Father, maybe a little bracer?
Something to calm you down?
- You have anything around here?
- Oh. In my desk...
there's a bottle
of some sorts, I think.
The gift of a young marine.
A thank you for
a very successful confession.
This'll get you there.
And back!
Frank, what a turnout.
Lemmings must be directed to the sea.
You're magic with a phrase.
Winston Churchill said,
"Men can move mountains with words."
His mother was American, you know.
So was mine.
Frank, look at the door.
How 'bout sucking in
your shoulders?
Pardon my build.
Hi.
Move your keister.
- Couldn't just slide over, huh?
- Go mail a bear.
Sound!
Where's the sound?
- Will you move over?
- Lard butt!
[Knocking On Door]
- Excuse me.
- Better be good, Father.
Ziegfeld's out front.
[Clears Throat]
My friends, let me quote
from Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou...
"nor thy sons with thee...
"when ye go into the tabernacle
of the congregation, lest ye die;
[Clears Throat]
It shall be a statute forever
throughout your generations. "
My friends,
the Lord said this to Aaron...
after the passing away of his
beloved sons, Nadab and Abi'hu.
It's rather warm in here.
Radar, would you open one
of the stained glass windows?
My friends...
let me quote Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou...
nor thy sons with thee."
- [Hawkeye] We saw this.
- Shh.
Friends, let me
tell you something...
however compulsory it may be.
There's no film.
I am live.
Now back to where we were
when you last heard from me.
It was with Leviticus
on the tenth, I believe.
"Drink thee not...
"nor thee, thou sons...
"lest ye die.
Nor congregate
at the corner tabernacle."
I'd like to take...
a short sabbatical...
or a cup of coffee.
Or I wonder, is there
a doctor in the tent?
- Father, are you all right?
- Ow!
- Get your big feet out of the way!
- My big feet?
Please don't rise.
- Ow!
- Frank?
That's it, everybody.
The 18th Amendment has been repealed!
[Cheering]
Have I ever told you folks
the one about the prodigal son?
Retraction.
- Suction, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
Very nice.
Very neat.
Thank you, Doctor.
Pierce, Mclntyre?
- Yo?
- We're still here, Frank.
Now tell the truth.
Don't you feel better for drinking less?
Absolutely! My skin is clear, my eyes
are bright, my tummy loves me again.
Good. Now just remember. Moderation.
No more secret drinking.
Right. Have you made
the incision, Doctor?
- Yep.
- Nurse, two straws, please.