M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 20 - Love and Marriage - full transcript

[Indistinct Chatter]

- [Doctor] Metzenbaum.
- Anytime, Frank.

- Quiet.
- Well, just do something before
the patient dies of boredom.

If Kwang were half an assistant,
he'd have the instruments
in my hands without my thinking.

What's that for? Oh, right.

- Can I be of any help?
- Careful, Father, he'll cut
right through your beads.

I don't need this abuse!

- We do.
- Hey, come on, people.
Just once, huh?

Well, thank the stars someday
this'll all be over, and I can
go home and hang up my shingle.

"Frank Burns... Exterminator."

- Colonel!
- Mclntyre.
- Pierce!



- [Mocking] Colonel!
- Richardson.

- [Instrument Clatters]
- See what you've done?
- Sorry, Doctor.

- [Mulcahy] I'll get it.
- [Frank] Now, that is the work
of a bungling incompetent.

- Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank.
- Stay out of this, buttinski!

- Now what?
- Between this inept orderly
and the backbiting in here...

I did not bite his back,
but I did pinch his tushy.

- Sorry, Father.
- What exactly is a tushy?

I cannot work
in this madhouse!

- Find us a sane war somewhere, Frank.
- Get us two seats down front.

It's the same thing every time
in the O.R. With those two boobs...

- tensions, insults, bickering.
- Frank, I don't know
why you let them bother you.

- You know you're a good surgeon.
- Of course I know
I'm a terrific surgeon.

- Who said "terrific"? I said "fair."
- You said "good."

- I think all you docs
are doing a great job.
- Oh, thanks, McShane...



but saving lives...
that's all in a day's work.

Well, let's all have
a slice of humble pie.

Doctor, I hope my clumsiness...

in no way interfered
with your performance today.

Hey, you express yourself
real good, Mr. Kwang.

Oh, you can bet
he memorized that speech.

Can't you tell, Frank?
I'm a ventriloquist.

- Try it again.
I think your lips moved.
- An apology is not enough.

- You're going to have
to shape up around here.
- Or we won't save your country.

Come on, Frank. Get off his back.
He does good work.

Why do you reserve all your praise
for them? How come you never have...

a "good job" to a clean-cut
boy like McShane here?

- Good job, clean-cut boy.
- [Grumbles]

Take two Norman Rockwells
out of petty cash.

Oh, thank you.

Thank God Henry runs the hospital.
The war'd be no fun without him.

Makes you glad he mugged
that med student and stole the diploma.

Oh, Mr. Kwang.

Why don't you join us
for the happy hour?

- Thank you, sir.
- Hope you like martinis.

We've got some new
Beefeater's formaldehyde.

I'll play bartender.

Oh, that's nice.
He has a cleanliness fetish.

- Mr. Kwang?
- Thank you, Doctor.

First of all, we'd like
to apologize for Frank Burns
on behalf of the United States.

As well as Canada and Mexico.
Please don't let him bother you.

He's harmless,
unless you're under his care.

He's under a lot of tension.

Unlike the rest of us, who are just
over here to put on The Student Prince.

You know, your command of our language
is really very impressive.

- Thank you, sir.
- You must have studied somewhere.

You certainly can't
learn English from Americans.

I was a student at the University
of Seoul when the war broke out.

So much for school.

Walking there one day,
two soldiers jumped out of a truck
and threw me into the back.

At that moment,
I realized I'd volunteered.

Yeah, we've heard a lot
about those draft board trucks.

They get about 22 recruits
to the gallon.

Eliminates the suspense of wondering
if you can pass the physical.

Fortunately, I was sent
to the 121 st hospital...

where a medical officer felt
I had surgical aptitude.

I'm very grateful to him.

Well, let's face it:
Medical officers are sweethearts.

I welcomed the transfer here...

since your reputation as
skillful surgeons is well-known.

Somebody's reading
those leaflets we dropped.

- Tip-see-dah.
- Shalom.

Also.

[Sighs]

I have only one regret
in being sent here.

What is it?
We're publishing a catalogue.

When I was drafted...

I did not have chance
to say good-bye to my wife.

I have not seen her since.

Well, that's no sweat.
We'll get you a three-day pass.

I've tried.
They said impossible.

Naturally. Every unit is assigned
an impossible officer.

Leave it to us, Mr. Kwang.

[Man On P.A.] Attention.
All doctors assigned to premarital
exams please report for duty.

Ah. I hear
the Korean love call.

Doctor, thank you very much.

- A pass just takes
a lot of ingenuity.
- And a little of forgery.

- One for the road?
- I better not. It takes
a steady hand for a Wasserman.

- In a minute, Mother. In a minute.
- Sign this, sir.

- Everything seems to be
okay here, Sergeant.
- Ditto here too.

Just take this over to the colonel,
and he'll sign your adoption papers.

- I'm not going to adopt her, Doc.
She's going to be my bride.
- She'll make a charming wife.

And you can get her into the movies
for half price. Over here.

- You got any three-day passes on you?
- I don't want to get in Dutch.

You wanna see any more
books on reproduction?

Wait here.

We are not giving away teeth.

No teeth today.
[Chuckles]

- Just sign there, sir.
- Well... You're not getting
married, are you, Radar?

Uh, not to my knowledge, sir.

Well, then, can't it wait?
I've got so many things to sign,
I don't know what I'm signing.

Yes, sir.

- Top secret, sir.
- Oh? Well, what is it?

Well, I'm not supposed to know,
but you must know...

- otherwise they wouldn't
want you to sign it.
- Right.

So if you'll just sign below my hand,
I'll just close my eyes and...

Gotcha.

- Okay.
- Thank you, sir.

Oh, Radar, will you get
the keys to the teeth?

- Yes, sir... teeth.
- Gonna get you some teeth.
Get the keys, then the teeth.

- One three-day pass.
- Bless your little belly button.

Keys for the teeth.

- Ready for the next?
- Okay, Father.

- Uh, hi, Docs.
- McShane.

Yeah, I, uh, came for a physical.
I'd like to get married.

Does Judge Hardy know about this?

- You interested in a local girl?
- Yes, sir.

Soong Hi.

Uh-huh. Uh, look, we'll be
right with you, okay? Just a minute.

- Haven't we seen her somewhere before?
- Yeah, at Rosie's Bar.

She's been on that
same stool through two wars,
with a change maker in her purse.

Um... uh, would you,
uh, just, uh...

- Wait over here for us.
We'll be just a minute.
- And, Private, could we...

Will you four lovely people
just come along with me?

- Where did you meet this woman?
- She's hardly a woman, sir.

- She's only 21 years old.
- [Laughing]

- Her mascara's older than that.
- Sir?

Sorry. Look, kid...

when you're this far away
from home, your perspective
gets a little out of whack...

- you start to lose your objectivity.
- And she gets your P.X. Card.

Oh, no, no. It's not like that, sir.
We really love each other.

- You written home about this?
- No, sir.

When you walk into the house
together, your mother's
gonna fall into her apple pie.

While it's still in the oven.

You know that I don't have to ask
for your permission, only a physical.

Look, kid, it's rough
over here for all of us...

fetid water,
Civil War leftovers.

I personally know
three bedbugs by their first names,
but that's not gonna go on forever.

Yeah. Why can't you just wait
for a couple of months or so?

- Why?
- Call it a cooling-off period.

But I don't want to cool off.
I want to get married, now.

Couple of months isn't very long
for two people who are really in love.

Mmm.

- All right. I'll wait.
- Good.

- But just two weeks.
- Okay. Two weeks.

Right. That'll make the gang
at the malt shop very happy.

[Hawkeye] Radar, if you're gonna eat
pickles, don't touch the cards.

Even when I get a good hand,
it stinks.

- I open for a half.
- I'm in.
- Me too.

All right. I'll see you,
and I'll raise you...

- Where's my other chip?
- Well, don't look at me.

What... you want to search us?

- Radar?
- Yeah?

- You ate my chip.
- I did?

Probably the only digestible
thing he's had all night.

Is it possible?

Captain, are you in or out?

All right. I'll raise you a half,
and I'm shy one chip that Radar ate.

And if you don't believe me,
I'll have him x-rayed.

- You in? Call.
- Oh, yeah.

- In.
- Call.
- What do you want, Radar?

Um, three cards.

- And a glass of mineral oil.
Gimme three.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm pat.
- Gimme one.

Dealer takes one.

- Okay, you're the raiser.
What do you say?
- Uh, check.

- Check.
- I bet a buck.

- Call.
- I'm shy four.

- A buck?
- El fold-o.

- Two pair... bullets and jacks.
- Ha-ha!

- Flush! [Laughing]
- [Trapper] Henry...

they're all the same color,
too bad they're not the same suit.

Two, three, four hearts, and a diamond.
I gotta get some R and R.

Three treys,
or trey threes, if you like.

- The rich get richer.
- The soul of grace.

Why do the officers win
the big pots when they got
everything else goin' for 'em?

Don't give me any of
that poor G.I. Crapola, Zale.

You mailed home three jeeps
and two-thirds of a truck.

You're not doing that, are you?

I know in my next life
I'd want to be an officer.

I had you down for pussycat.

It's not just the money. You officers
live better, you eat better...

then there's the nurses.

You think we like
playing around with the nurses?

We have to. It's part
of their recruiting program.

If there was one of those
big-mouth sergeants here, he'd say...

"Blow it out your
stethoscope... sir."

Some enlisted men aren't
even allowed to fall in love.

- Jacks are better.
- They can fall in love
with anybody they want...

as long as it's
another enlisted man.

- Danny McShane's in love.
- Aha.

Radar, we're trying
to do him a favor.

McShane's a lonely kid
a long way from home.

- He's all mixed up.
- [Zale] Oh?

Did you ever see him lay down a flush
with four hearts and a diamond?

Open for a buck.

Don't make it sound like we're breaking
up Donald O'Connor and Peggy Ryan.

- That woman's got
a lot of miles on her clock.
- But it's his decision, sir.

Maybe we should butt out.

So what if she only wants
to take him?

Look, on a cold night in Korea
with the wind blowing in off Siberia...

you can't get warm shackin' up
with your P.X. Card, you know.

You got a touch of the poet
in you, Zale.

- [Shouting]
- Hear that?
- Sounds like a fight.

Don't tell me you've got a pass.
I want to see it.

- Probably another attempt
on the cook's life. Come on.
- Let's go.

Come on, come on.

You will find it has been
duly and properly authorized
by the commanding officer.

Oh, shut up. I heard enough
of your pidgin English.

This is a forgery, fella.

- Where do you think you're going?
Stop that man!
- Gimme three cards.

- Shouldn't somebody
see what's happening?
- Maybe one of you officers...

- ought to rush out there
and make a decision.
- [Gunshot]

- That sounded like
a shot fired in anger.
- Radar, go take a look.

- Me, sir?
- Now's your chance for that next life.

- Colonel Blake...
- Yo.

- Did you authorize this pass
for that Korean national?
- Hey!

- Put away that gun, Frank.
- Which one?

- The one who fakes English
so literate, Mr. Kwang.
- I didn't give him a pass.

- I thought as much.
- Hey, can we play cards?

- It has my signature.
- I knew it was a forgery!

- Yes, sir, that is your signature.
- It is?

See the fat "K" and the skinny "A"?
I'd know your "A-K" anywhere, sir.

I caught him climbing into a truck,
and when I saw the fake pass...

I ordered him down,
but he's run off.

- Now, you can charge him
with desertion.
- Let me bet first.

- Is that why we heard a shot?
- Well, I fired a warning,
but he just kept running.

Frank, put that gun down. It's as
offensive a weapon as your mouth.

Okay, scaredy-cat, but I can handle
a firearm with the best of them.

[All Shouting]

- Sirs?
- That's us.

- Someone in your tent to see you sirs.
- Male or female?

- Uh, male.
- Well, you can't win them all.

Sir, could I have that book now?

I got an hour off, and...
I got... I got an hour off...

My luck is still lousy.
Look who's here.

- Gentlemen.
- Dr. Pak, isn't it?

I'm flattered
you remember me, sir.

I recognized the dirt
under your nails.

Still doing those phony operations
with the fake stitches?

And using hair cream
for penicillin?

I examined one of
your patients, Doctor.

He still had pneumonia, but I must say
you cleared up his dandruff.

If you are finished, sirs...

I would like to make you
a proposition.

In conjunction with my medical practice,
I am in a new business.

Headstones?

I understand you are trying
to prevent the marriage of
Private McShane and a Miss Soong Hi.

- What's it to you?
- I am prepared to offer
each of you $250...

- if you okay her physical.
- Just what business are you in?

Marriage broker. I arrange matches
between Korean girls and G.I. S...

to enable the girls to go
to your wonderful stateside.

Ah. Where they, uh...

Work for some friends of mine.

Uh-huh. Night work.

250 bucks apiece, huh?

In the future,
I assure you more money...

but Private McShane insisted on
a thousand dollars for himself.

This marriage was made
just a few feet lower than in heaven.

Clean-cut American boy.

Those freckles must be pasties.

- You know, sir, you might just
go down in medical history.
- How's that?

As the first doctor to set two broken
legs, and both of them his own.

- Come back!
- Hey! Hey!

Mr. Kwang. You know you're up
on desertion charges?

- I was trying to get to my village.
- Who isn't?

I received word from my wife. She is
about to give birth to our first child.

- Well, why didn't you tell us?
- C.O.'s this way, fellas.

- You wait outside.
We'll do the talking.
- I'm going to be a father!

Good. You can pass out cigars
to the firing squad.

Henry, you can't charge
a man with desertion
if he had a pass signed by you.

You can't call it forgery...
it's got your signature on it.
A person can't forge his own name.

- Radar, let me see
the pass again. Thank you.
- Here's the pass again, sir.

I just don't remember
signing this.

Well, who's to blame
if you have amnesia?

Aw, don't give me
that amnesia bit.

I remember seeing this
last night at the poker game.

[In Unison]
What poker game?

- Radar, didn't we
play poker last night?
- If you say so, sir.

Oh, I get it.
You're trying to gaslight me, right?

- Come on, Henry, let him go.
- No!

It's not that easy! I mean, I got people
writing reports on me all the time.

Every move I make is watched.

Hi, Frank.
What are you doin'?

Security.
Just checking the lock.

- With your ear?
- Get out, Frank.

- Well, I never meant to come in.
- Henry...

- Henry, this is an emergency.
- Mr. Kwang's wife is having a baby.

- Her first.
- What makes it really exciting
is Mr. Kwang's the father.

- Uh-huh.
- Aw, gee, sir, it sure would be swell...

if we could get this Korean
mommy and daddy with their baby
all together in the same place.

Will you cut it out?

All right. He can't have the pass,
but I will drop the charges.

Henry, that's very decent of you.
Would you like to try for human?

- What about Mr. Kwang's wife...
can't we do something for her?
- Hey, there's a war on, remember?

Most of these women have to have
their babies in a rice paddy
and then go back to work.

- Henry, we all saw The Good Earth.
- Hey, what is that?

- A 20-year-old movie.
- We're getting that next week.

Hey, I would like to give Mr. Kwang a
pass, but there'd be hell to pay at H.Q.

- All right, then Radar and I will go.
- Where?

To pick up Mrs. Kwang
so she can have her baby here.

Oh, fine, fine.
That's all we need, is a baby.

- Come on.
- You know, we don't have any diapers
around here or anything.

- Can we borrow some of your shorts?
- Okay.

The village is Quang Sun,
east 10 miles of the main road.

- Pretty close to enemy lines.
- Quite so, Doctor.

Hey, wait a minute.
How close is it to the Chinese?

I don't want to scare you,
but the grocery stores are
stocking up on fortune cookies.

Ha-ha, sir.

How do you wish me
good luck in Korean?

Doctor...
[Speaks Korean]

I thought so.

[Engine Starts, Revs]

- [Knocking]
- ## [Playing]

Come in.

- You sent for me, Doc?
- Ah, yeah, McShane.

Come on in.

Sit down.

## [Stops]

I just wanted to congratulate you
on your upcoming wedding.

Thank you, sir.

I heard that you and Captain Pierce
had given Soong Hi her physical.

- I sure appreciate that, sir.
- I imagine you're gonna have
quite a honeymoon.

Well, I'm trying to scrape up
enough money to go to Tokyo, sir.

- Well, you can go further
than that on a thousand bucks.
- Sir?

Now, don't play Huck Finn with me, kid.
Dr. Pak told us all about the racket.

I don't know any Dr. Pak, sir.

The doctor with
the Parker Brothers diploma.

He gives you a thousand clams
to marry Broadway Rose East...

then, after the ceremony,
you two part company.

She goes to work for
Pak's friends in the States
at the corner of 42nd and somewhere.

- You run to the post office
for a money order.
- Really, sir...

You give me one more "sir," and I'm
going to prescribe a 24-hour enema.

Okay, okay.

Listen, why shouldn't an enlisted man
get in on the gravy?

Everybody else is making a buck
over here. Why shouldn't I?

- [Knocking]
- Yeah?

- Radiology, Doc.
- Thanks.

Don't sweat it, Captain. Call the
thousand dollars the bride's dowry...

an old Korean tradition.

Hey, boy next door.

There's another
old Korean tradition...

- it's called tuberculosis.
- What?

I'm afraid there's a shadow on the lung
of the former future Mrs. McShane.

Come on. You're just saying that
to blow my deal.

Your deal is blown.
Take a look.

Of course, at a thousand bucks a shot,
I'm sure you'll be able to find
true love again.

How long is the trip
back to the base, sir?

About three hours.

- How long we been on the road?
- A little over 15 minutes.

- Now I'm sorry we weren't captured.
- [Moans]

- You having pains?
- Yes, sir.

I was talking to Mrs. Kwang. Ma'am?

Is it one long, steady pain,
or do they come and go?

The pain comes,
and the pain goes.

Mine's one long,
steady one.

Uh-oh.

- Really?
- I think she's going into labor.

- What does that mean?
- It means she's about to give birth.

Right here? On this bus?
In front of me?

Yeah, right here on this bus.
What do I do... give her a transfer...

tell her to wait?

I need your help.
Can you get up, please?

Come back here, okay?
Take it easy.

Be careful.
Don't strain yourself.

- Gently.
- You can get up here.

- Easy. I'm gonna
lift you now. Easy. Oh!
- Watch your head.

Listen, maybe if we lift her feet up,
it'll slow things up a little.

Go get my bag. Where were you when
they were teaching this in school?

I must have been out that year.

- I'm gonna need your help.
- But I'm no good at delivering babies!

When the cat had kittens,
they sent me to the movies!

- Radar, there's nothing to it.
It's a natural experience.
- So is fainting!

- [Screams]
- [Screams]

Don't worry.
You'll be all right.

Um, shouldn't I get
some hot water or something?

- There's no time for that.
- I'd be very glad to get out
and look for some.

- Maybe there's a hot river
near here, like at Yellowstone.
- Radar!

Come on, I need your help. Just hold
her hand. She and I'll do the rest.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

- You'll be all right.
- Oh, sure, easy for you.

[Panting]

Oh, don't do that!
[Yelling]

- [Mrs. Kwang Moans]
- [Radar] Oh, my God!

[Baby Crying]

It's a boy, Mr. Kwang.
He and his mother are doing fine.

I cannot thank you
enough, Doctor.

- Tough delivery?
- Fortunately, I brought
along a specialist.

[Baby Continues Crying]

That is one cute little fella.

- Thank you.
- Isn't he somethin'?

"Radar Benjamin Franklin
TrapperJohn Henry Kwang."

- Radar, you got top billing.
- For giving me the pass.

- For giving you... Radar.
- He didn't mean what he meant, sir.

- I want you to sign my name.
I want you to sign my name.
- Uh, sir, I have something...

- Sir, I never signed...
- Hey, hey...
- Hey, hold it.

- This is a hospital!
- I know. I come here all the time.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Haven't you seen me here?

- Yeah, the doctor in Ward "C"?
- Yes, I did that wonderful
appendectomy...