M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 21 - Big Mac - full transcript
The camp prepares for a visit from General Douglas MacArthur, but Klinger interrupts the proceedings with his attempts to earn a Section 8 discharge.
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Well, he's operating right now, sir.
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir!
Yes, sir, if you say so, sir.
Yes, sir!
I'll do that right now!
Sir.
Clamp.
This guy has the right idea.
Write a book on traumatic surgery...
and then when a war breaks out,
the book gets drafted and he stays home.
- Sponge.
- Hello, Frank.
How are you?
[Frank]
Pretty big talk!
Pierce, using a textbook?
[Margaret]
Orthopedic case.
Dummkopf! All right,
let's put him under, shall we?
Watch this.
Need some help, Pierce?
No, thanks.
I'd rather save the patient.
That got him.
Unless they taught you something special
at Vivisection State Teachers' College.
- [Everyone Laughing]
- Which I doubt.
- Here we go!
- You better quit
while you're behind, Frank.
I've been a practicing
surgeon for 12 years!
When do you think you'll be ready
to operate? Just an estimate, Frank.
Frank, I begged you to quit.
Give me a four-by-four.
- And another thing!
- Frank, they'll kill you.
- Colonel?
- Yo.
There's a very important phone call
on the phone for you, sir.
Have the call switched.
I'll take it inside this gallbladder.
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Sir? Sir. [Whispering]
- Radar, you must be kidding!
- Cross my heart.
Moist lap sponges, please.
Spalding, finish up for me, please.
- What's up, Henry?
- I'll tell you later.
You were finally
toilet trained, right?
Yes, sir. Yes, indeed, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
What's... What's that, sir?
Uh, the 19th, Colonel?
The 19th. Uh, let me see.
The 19th would...
That would be between the...
uh, the 18th and the 20th...
if I'm any judge of 19ths.
Yes, sir. Uh, yes, sir.
We'll be ready.
Oh, and, Colonel,
let me just add that...
this is an honor that thrills me
right down to my toenails.
Well, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir.
Good day, sir.
He's coming here.
- Him, here. General Douglas MacArth...
- [Gasps]
The head man.
The chief cheese is coming... here.
Him? Here?
Here. Yes.
The big monk.
- The biggest, highest
monkiest of them all.
- Wow!
They don't come any monkier.
Do you know why
he's coming here?
Because we've got
the most impressive damn record
of any medical unit in Korea!
That's North, South,
East or West.
- We're the MASH that is the best!
- Rah! Rah!
Colonel Whiteman,
his administrative aide?
- He'll be here on Wednesday to brief us.
- Oh, wow!
Radar, this is the biggest thing
that's ever happened to me...
since I did my
first strangulated hernia.
Radar, the publicity!
The publicity!
I mean, every move
Big Mac makes is news!
- When he goes to the latrine,
they flash an AP/UP bulletin.
- Really?
And the Daily Bloomington
Pantagraph.
Oh, boy, I can just see it.
"Supreme Commander Inspects
Local Doctor,"
in type about yea big.
- You'll be famous, sir.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and let me tell you
something, little friend.
My price for a tonsillectomy...
- just went from 50 to 75 bucks a tonse.
- Right!
Yes, sir. They'll have to pay
if they want the big man.
[Chuckles]
Colonel Blake's office?
Straight ahead, sir.
Can't miss it.
Thank you, uh, soldier.
Corporal Klinger, sir.
Sentry post number one.
Carry on.
Must be therapy
for the mental cases.
And Colonel Whiteman, here,
of General MacArthur's general staff...
has very kindly condescended
to brief us all briefly...
on the general's impinging visit.
- Colonel.
- Thank you, Colonel.
I'm sure you must all
be excited at the idea of
meeting our supreme commander.
I'm thrilled beyond repair.
My bellybutton's been puckering
and un-puckering all day.
A little charged up.
You know, heap big chief coming.
All right, let me clue you in...
schedule and briefing-wise.
- I'll roger that.
- Mclntyre.
The general will arrive
at exactly 1155 hours...
and will enter the camp
at this point.
I assume you will not, repeat, not have
the same man on sentry duty.
- Klinger.
- Klinger? Oh, no, sir.
Make a note...
no Klinger.
He just had
his ears pierced.
The general's cavalcade will circle
the compound, inspecting troops...
and then will stop here at point "B"
at precisely 1158 hours.
The general will dismount
at 1159 hours...
after a one-minute security
inspection of the area by escort.
From 1200 to 1204 hours,
the general will be welcomed
by commanding officer.
- Maybe you can break the
four-minute welcome, Henry.
- You'd better go into training.
1200 to 1204 hours.
Colonel Whiteman,
I just want to say...
that this disrespectful attitude
is in no way shared...
by myself or Major Burns
on my right.
On your right what?
Included in the above
said time allotment for
commanding officer's greeting...
is the introduction
of inferior grade officers.
That's gotta be us.
- Yes?
- I think the colonel
might like to know...
that Major Houlihan's father was
under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Her father was a horse!
Did you know that?
Our engagement is off.
While the general is here,
do not address him
unless he first addresses you...
and then always use his
full name and rank in reply...
as "Yes, General MacArthur."
"No, General MacArthur."
"Thank you,
General MacArthur. "
- God Almighty.
- Close. Very close.
Steady, men.
And now, lunch.
The eating thereof
will be at 1300 hours.
The general eats the same food
as that served to men in the field.
Does he like his ice cream
on top of his beef stew like us?
Mess will terminate
at 1410 hours...
when the general's pipe is lit.
Must be a squad
that takes care of that.
We'll have the men on hand, Mclntyre.
Make a note, Radar.
Volunteers to light pipe.
Now then, after lunch...
And the barfing thereof.
To proceed.
The general's visit is a tribute
to your unit's efficiency.
A demonstration of your function
would be most apropos.
- We could do an operation for him.
- Pierce.
- Don't be a simp!
- We operate every day.
Perhaps the general would like
to observe our surgeons at work.
Yeah, with a
stitch-by-stitch commentary.
And for a big finish,
a postop infection.
Has possibilities, Colonel.
That's just what
I was thinking.
I mean, it'd be
a real eye-popper.
- Colonel?
- Yes?
Um, as adjutant and
assistant chief surgeon...
- I'd like to volunteer
for that operation.
- How splendid, Major.
Very good, Frank.
- Lovely.
- Then it's agreed.
We'll do a hysterectomy
on Major Burns.
Because we have the best record
of any medical unit in Korea...
we have been bestowed upon
by a great honor...
- [Man] MacArthur's coming!
- [Cheering]
[Together]
Yea.
Quiet.
Quiet down, folks.
Quiet!
- Does this mean Radar
has to take a bath?
- I hope so.
We'll carry him to the river
and beat him on a rock.
We've got very little time before
the bestowment of this honor...
and this place is a shambles,
so we've got to...
as quickly as possible...
uh, deshamble-ize.
Corporal.
"Duty rosters will be posted
on the bulletin board.
No changes will be made.
"All leaves are canceled
unless of hardship, emergency,
or of like or similar nature.
"A death in the family
is good, as always.
"All future announcements
will be in vocal, oral...
"or written-down form,
and in the case of the latter...
"accompanied by immediate
superior's signature in three copies...
with two in my 'in' basket
and one in my 'out."'
Company...
dismissed!
Klinger, I want to see you
in my office this afternoon.
Yes, sir.
You can double-park
your horse.
Colonel, I was thinking.
I might put together a little...
souvenir memorial album
for the general.
- Frank.
- Hmm?
Caesar is coming
to inspect us, not bury us.
Hey, that's pretty good, huh?
- Spalding.
- Colonel?
How 'bout writing one of your
special songs for MacArthur?
Think you can come up
with something nice
on the ol' cucaracha there?
- I've been working on it, sir.
- Oh!
#Well, it's not Corrigidor
You know it's only Korea #
# It's a lousy little war
But we'd still love to see ya #
#And I'm sure we can
scrounge up a beach #
#And you can splash in
and give us a speech #
# With your corncob pipe #
#And your five gold stars ##
Well, it's catchy, but it's not
"prezactly" what I had in mind.
- You're not the least bit clever.
- It's a big club, Frank.
Do it again.
What have we here?
A diminutive Diogenes?
Looking for two honest men, Radar?
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Trap.
Frank, what are you doing?
- Burning books.
- Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
One of the greatest living
Americans is coming...
and I'm not going to let him see some
of the trash that's read around here.
Plato's Republic?
The Life of Red Grange?
Revolutionaries.
- Right!
- Robinson Crusoe?
Everybody runs around
half-naked.
- Norman Mailer.
- It's got that word in it.
Frank, you burn one more book,
I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson
in the mine field.
Now, knock it off, gnat-brain!
General of the Army,
General Douglas MacArthur,
your supreme commander...
is going to inspect you, fella!
Genuflect when you say that, pal.
And he's gonna find us just
the way we are, and what we are...
draftee doctors,
a little gamy...
and dazed from crawling inside people
trying to keep them breathing.
Forget Fort Dix, Frank.
This is bedpan alley.
Okeydoke. You slackers
do what you want.
But I'm gonna show
the general we're military!
And I order you to clean up
the unholy mess in there,
and if you don't, I will!
You touch one dirty sock,
you remove one layer of crud...
you kill one cockroach, Frank,
and I will personally...
grind you into a fine powder and
sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal!
What he said!
##[Bugle]
##[Bugle Continues]
Uh, Klinger, about that getup.
You don't like it?
Don't be afraid to tell me.
I can take criticism.
No, it's not the outfit,
per se wise.
It's the pedicure.
A little naughty?
Klinger, the one thing that
General MacArthur may not understand...
at a military hospital
four miles from the front...
is a flower girl
with a 5:00 shadow.
I just can't have you traipse
around while his nibs is here.
Sir, you can't be serious.
This is my big chance to get out.
General MacArthur
can discharge anybody!
Harry Truman if he wants.
No dice, fella.
Please, Colonel.
I won't smile at him
or say I'm pregnant or anything.
All right,
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you three days R and R in Tokyo.
You leave before Big Mac arrives.
- Okay?
- What good is that?
He'll be here and I'll be there.
It's either that
or put you under tent arrest,
tied to a bedpost if we have to.
A-And I'd hate to do that, Klinger!
I've worked so very hard for this, sir.
Easy, guy.
It hasn't been easy,
smiling through the makeup.
I'm sorry, Klinger.
Better dismiss me, sir,
before my mascara starts.
Dismissed.
Okay, another stitch
and then we'll be finished.
Some more 30 chromic, and quickly!
You know my temper.
- Sponge that, please, Nurse.
- I still think we oughta do
an operation for MacArthur.
- We could even operate on him.
- Now, that's a great idea.
- Maybe remove his pipe.
- We could suck him out
through his own stem.
- You wanna finish here for me, please?
- Yes, Doctor.
My two favorite words.
What's your work assignment, Trap?
Supervise cleanup
of the garbage dump.
Oh, the assignments
are based on personality!
- Funny! What's yours?
- Entertainment committee.
Oh, you gonna inflate your sleeping bag
and do your Kate Smith imitation?
No. I got something
better planned.
Okay, this guy's all retreaded.
He's ready for the ward. Orderly!
No orderlies around, Doctor.
What do you mean,
no orderlies?
They're all out there
manicuring the rocks. I couldn't
even get an X ray on this guy.
Are we running a hospital
or a motel for visiting demigods?
It's Frank,
the all-purpose idiot.
He's been like a crazed weasel
ever since this thing started.
Why don't we have his legs
ironed for the inspection?
Kellye, gimme a hand here,
will you?
It's beginning to look like real army,
thanks to you, Major. Darling.
I just made up my mind General
MacArthur wasn't gonna catch us...
with our "thesies"
and "thosies" down.
Oh, Frank!
[Frank] Super-duper! That
little twerp really did a good job.
Let's just soak it in for a minute.
I'm soaking, Margaret.
Ohh!
Oh, he's so handsome!
So commanding.
- Who's the little guy?
- President Truman.
Well, that's about the size
of it, I guess. [Snickering]
Frank, please
don't laugh in here.
[Whispering]
Sorry, Margaret.
I can't wait to meet him.
We're practically family.
- Yes, darling.
- Dad and he fought the Huks
together in the Philippines.
- Fought the who?
- The Huks. A rebellious native tribe.
Oh, those Huks!
At home on the mantel,
we have a picture he autographed.
"Best wishes to my friend,
'Howitzer' Al Houlihan.
Knock 'em dead, fella."
- That's so warm, so human.
- That Christmas they exchanged
shrunken tribesman's heads.
Well, you don't forget
a little thing like that.
This is where he'll sleep.
I'll bet he sleeps deeper
than most people.
- Frank, do I dare?
- Well, Margaret, you are
practically family.
Your eyes are sparkling like club soda.
- I feel so... I don't know.
- I feel pretty "I don't know" myself.
- My face is hot.
- Uh-huh.
- And there's a lump in my throat.
- Let me kiss it.
- Oh, Margaret!
- Oh, Doug!
All right, everyone
into formation, please.
Ah, Colonel Blake? Colonel Blake,
if you will. Here, sir.
Mclntyre, on the other side
of Major Houlihan.
Could you hold this, sir?
Captain Spalding, on the end right here.
Now make this good, Pierce.
This is going into the memorial album.
Right, boss. And get in the front row.
I wanna catch those eyes.
- Wilco.
- Keep 'em spinning counterclockwise.
All right, everybody, move a few feet
to the left. Just a few steps.
Okay. Now take just
a few steps to the right.
Perfect. Hold it.
- [Shutter Clicks]
- Got it. Thank you.
- I had my eyes shut.
- That's okay. So did I.
Reviewing stand to convoy.
Are you ready? Over.
[Radar] Convoy to reviewing stand.
Ready over here. Over.
Move out! This is a rehearsal.
Repeat. This is a rehearsal.
Shut up, Frank!
Shut up.
- That's not gin.
- No, vodka. It's only a rehearsal.
How could you drink
at a time like this?
With a little luck,
we'll get sick.
##["Stars And Stripes Forever"
Playing On Loudspeaker]
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
He's much shorter
than I thought.
He shrunk.
All that walking on water.
##[Ends]
General MacArthur, I've waited
the whole war to meet you.
Klinger, I warned you!
I want a rehearsal too, sir.
I wanna show you
I can do it in good taste.
I'm a psycho, sir. A nutburger,
a jellybean. I got more dresses
than your wife.
- Klinger!
- Let me out, I'll kiss your pipe.
- Go, Klinger, go.
- Get that moron out of there!
Sir, let me stay!
I'll change my clothes!
- Promise?
- Have I ever lied to you, sir?
Take him away.
Sir, no!
I'll wear something drab.
You'll be proud of me, sir!
I think they took away
the wrong moron.
- Speak.
- Oh.
General MacArthur,
I bid you hail and welcome...
to the 4077 th Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital.
Although I have bid welcome
to other dignitaries...
this is the highest bidding
I have ever had the privilege.
- [Together] Of.
- Of. Privilege.
- Thank you, Colonel...
- Blake.
- Thank you, Blake.
- Introductions! Introductions!
Sir, may I present
my staff, General?
Yes.
- Two of my captains.
- Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah.
- He's Gomorrah.
- General, I've heard
a lot about you, sir.
Most of it infantile.
Ah, thank you.
And Major... Burns.
And his maiden aunt,
Major Houlihan.
- They're not supposed to say that.
- Quit horsing around.
General, as a memento
of this great honor...
I have prepared a souvenir book
with pictures and a complete history
of the 4077 th.
Which will be on sale in the lobby
as you leave the theater.
Here, General,
you see a picture of...
How did that get in there?
No lock on
the latrine door.
Colonel!
For crooning out loud, Frank,
it's just a rehearsal!
- I know, sir, but...
- [Man Over P.A. System]
Attention, all personnel!
General MacArthur has
just passed Checkpoint Able.
He'll be here in seconds!
This is not a rehearsal!
This is a real emergency!
Please, sir, over here, sir.
- Colonel.
- Here.
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
##["Stars And Stripes Forever"]
#Yeah, Big Mac is coming
He'll put an end to this war #
# Oh, the U.N. Decided
it was time for Mac
to take an encore #
# Oh, how I yearn to hear
Mac say, I shall return once more ##
Well, he's operating right now, sir.
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir!
Yes, sir, if you say so, sir.
Yes, sir!
I'll do that right now!
Sir.
Clamp.
This guy has the right idea.
Write a book on traumatic surgery...
and then when a war breaks out,
the book gets drafted and he stays home.
- Sponge.
- Hello, Frank.
How are you?
[Frank]
Pretty big talk!
Pierce, using a textbook?
[Margaret]
Orthopedic case.
Dummkopf! All right,
let's put him under, shall we?
Watch this.
Need some help, Pierce?
No, thanks.
I'd rather save the patient.
That got him.
Unless they taught you something special
at Vivisection State Teachers' College.
- [Everyone Laughing]
- Which I doubt.
- Here we go!
- You better quit
while you're behind, Frank.
I've been a practicing
surgeon for 12 years!
When do you think you'll be ready
to operate? Just an estimate, Frank.
Frank, I begged you to quit.
Give me a four-by-four.
- And another thing!
- Frank, they'll kill you.
- Colonel?
- Yo.
There's a very important phone call
on the phone for you, sir.
Have the call switched.
I'll take it inside this gallbladder.
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Sir? Sir. [Whispering]
- Radar, you must be kidding!
- Cross my heart.
Moist lap sponges, please.
Spalding, finish up for me, please.
- What's up, Henry?
- I'll tell you later.
You were finally
toilet trained, right?
Yes, sir. Yes, indeed, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
What's... What's that, sir?
Uh, the 19th, Colonel?
The 19th. Uh, let me see.
The 19th would...
That would be between the...
uh, the 18th and the 20th...
if I'm any judge of 19ths.
Yes, sir. Uh, yes, sir.
We'll be ready.
Oh, and, Colonel,
let me just add that...
this is an honor that thrills me
right down to my toenails.
Well, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir.
Good day, sir.
He's coming here.
- Him, here. General Douglas MacArth...
- [Gasps]
The head man.
The chief cheese is coming... here.
Him? Here?
Here. Yes.
The big monk.
- The biggest, highest
monkiest of them all.
- Wow!
They don't come any monkier.
Do you know why
he's coming here?
Because we've got
the most impressive damn record
of any medical unit in Korea!
That's North, South,
East or West.
- We're the MASH that is the best!
- Rah! Rah!
Colonel Whiteman,
his administrative aide?
- He'll be here on Wednesday to brief us.
- Oh, wow!
Radar, this is the biggest thing
that's ever happened to me...
since I did my
first strangulated hernia.
Radar, the publicity!
The publicity!
I mean, every move
Big Mac makes is news!
- When he goes to the latrine,
they flash an AP/UP bulletin.
- Really?
And the Daily Bloomington
Pantagraph.
Oh, boy, I can just see it.
"Supreme Commander Inspects
Local Doctor,"
in type about yea big.
- You'll be famous, sir.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and let me tell you
something, little friend.
My price for a tonsillectomy...
- just went from 50 to 75 bucks a tonse.
- Right!
Yes, sir. They'll have to pay
if they want the big man.
[Chuckles]
Colonel Blake's office?
Straight ahead, sir.
Can't miss it.
Thank you, uh, soldier.
Corporal Klinger, sir.
Sentry post number one.
Carry on.
Must be therapy
for the mental cases.
And Colonel Whiteman, here,
of General MacArthur's general staff...
has very kindly condescended
to brief us all briefly...
on the general's impinging visit.
- Colonel.
- Thank you, Colonel.
I'm sure you must all
be excited at the idea of
meeting our supreme commander.
I'm thrilled beyond repair.
My bellybutton's been puckering
and un-puckering all day.
A little charged up.
You know, heap big chief coming.
All right, let me clue you in...
schedule and briefing-wise.
- I'll roger that.
- Mclntyre.
The general will arrive
at exactly 1155 hours...
and will enter the camp
at this point.
I assume you will not, repeat, not have
the same man on sentry duty.
- Klinger.
- Klinger? Oh, no, sir.
Make a note...
no Klinger.
He just had
his ears pierced.
The general's cavalcade will circle
the compound, inspecting troops...
and then will stop here at point "B"
at precisely 1158 hours.
The general will dismount
at 1159 hours...
after a one-minute security
inspection of the area by escort.
From 1200 to 1204 hours,
the general will be welcomed
by commanding officer.
- Maybe you can break the
four-minute welcome, Henry.
- You'd better go into training.
1200 to 1204 hours.
Colonel Whiteman,
I just want to say...
that this disrespectful attitude
is in no way shared...
by myself or Major Burns
on my right.
On your right what?
Included in the above
said time allotment for
commanding officer's greeting...
is the introduction
of inferior grade officers.
That's gotta be us.
- Yes?
- I think the colonel
might like to know...
that Major Houlihan's father was
under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Her father was a horse!
Did you know that?
Our engagement is off.
While the general is here,
do not address him
unless he first addresses you...
and then always use his
full name and rank in reply...
as "Yes, General MacArthur."
"No, General MacArthur."
"Thank you,
General MacArthur. "
- God Almighty.
- Close. Very close.
Steady, men.
And now, lunch.
The eating thereof
will be at 1300 hours.
The general eats the same food
as that served to men in the field.
Does he like his ice cream
on top of his beef stew like us?
Mess will terminate
at 1410 hours...
when the general's pipe is lit.
Must be a squad
that takes care of that.
We'll have the men on hand, Mclntyre.
Make a note, Radar.
Volunteers to light pipe.
Now then, after lunch...
And the barfing thereof.
To proceed.
The general's visit is a tribute
to your unit's efficiency.
A demonstration of your function
would be most apropos.
- We could do an operation for him.
- Pierce.
- Don't be a simp!
- We operate every day.
Perhaps the general would like
to observe our surgeons at work.
Yeah, with a
stitch-by-stitch commentary.
And for a big finish,
a postop infection.
Has possibilities, Colonel.
That's just what
I was thinking.
I mean, it'd be
a real eye-popper.
- Colonel?
- Yes?
Um, as adjutant and
assistant chief surgeon...
- I'd like to volunteer
for that operation.
- How splendid, Major.
Very good, Frank.
- Lovely.
- Then it's agreed.
We'll do a hysterectomy
on Major Burns.
Because we have the best record
of any medical unit in Korea...
we have been bestowed upon
by a great honor...
- [Man] MacArthur's coming!
- [Cheering]
[Together]
Yea.
Quiet.
Quiet down, folks.
Quiet!
- Does this mean Radar
has to take a bath?
- I hope so.
We'll carry him to the river
and beat him on a rock.
We've got very little time before
the bestowment of this honor...
and this place is a shambles,
so we've got to...
as quickly as possible...
uh, deshamble-ize.
Corporal.
"Duty rosters will be posted
on the bulletin board.
No changes will be made.
"All leaves are canceled
unless of hardship, emergency,
or of like or similar nature.
"A death in the family
is good, as always.
"All future announcements
will be in vocal, oral...
"or written-down form,
and in the case of the latter...
"accompanied by immediate
superior's signature in three copies...
with two in my 'in' basket
and one in my 'out."'
Company...
dismissed!
Klinger, I want to see you
in my office this afternoon.
Yes, sir.
You can double-park
your horse.
Colonel, I was thinking.
I might put together a little...
souvenir memorial album
for the general.
- Frank.
- Hmm?
Caesar is coming
to inspect us, not bury us.
Hey, that's pretty good, huh?
- Spalding.
- Colonel?
How 'bout writing one of your
special songs for MacArthur?
Think you can come up
with something nice
on the ol' cucaracha there?
- I've been working on it, sir.
- Oh!
#Well, it's not Corrigidor
You know it's only Korea #
# It's a lousy little war
But we'd still love to see ya #
#And I'm sure we can
scrounge up a beach #
#And you can splash in
and give us a speech #
# With your corncob pipe #
#And your five gold stars ##
Well, it's catchy, but it's not
"prezactly" what I had in mind.
- You're not the least bit clever.
- It's a big club, Frank.
Do it again.
What have we here?
A diminutive Diogenes?
Looking for two honest men, Radar?
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Trap.
Frank, what are you doing?
- Burning books.
- Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
One of the greatest living
Americans is coming...
and I'm not going to let him see some
of the trash that's read around here.
Plato's Republic?
The Life of Red Grange?
Revolutionaries.
- Right!
- Robinson Crusoe?
Everybody runs around
half-naked.
- Norman Mailer.
- It's got that word in it.
Frank, you burn one more book,
I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson
in the mine field.
Now, knock it off, gnat-brain!
General of the Army,
General Douglas MacArthur,
your supreme commander...
is going to inspect you, fella!
Genuflect when you say that, pal.
And he's gonna find us just
the way we are, and what we are...
draftee doctors,
a little gamy...
and dazed from crawling inside people
trying to keep them breathing.
Forget Fort Dix, Frank.
This is bedpan alley.
Okeydoke. You slackers
do what you want.
But I'm gonna show
the general we're military!
And I order you to clean up
the unholy mess in there,
and if you don't, I will!
You touch one dirty sock,
you remove one layer of crud...
you kill one cockroach, Frank,
and I will personally...
grind you into a fine powder and
sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal!
What he said!
##[Bugle]
##[Bugle Continues]
Uh, Klinger, about that getup.
You don't like it?
Don't be afraid to tell me.
I can take criticism.
No, it's not the outfit,
per se wise.
It's the pedicure.
A little naughty?
Klinger, the one thing that
General MacArthur may not understand...
at a military hospital
four miles from the front...
is a flower girl
with a 5:00 shadow.
I just can't have you traipse
around while his nibs is here.
Sir, you can't be serious.
This is my big chance to get out.
General MacArthur
can discharge anybody!
Harry Truman if he wants.
No dice, fella.
Please, Colonel.
I won't smile at him
or say I'm pregnant or anything.
All right,
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you three days R and R in Tokyo.
You leave before Big Mac arrives.
- Okay?
- What good is that?
He'll be here and I'll be there.
It's either that
or put you under tent arrest,
tied to a bedpost if we have to.
A-And I'd hate to do that, Klinger!
I've worked so very hard for this, sir.
Easy, guy.
It hasn't been easy,
smiling through the makeup.
I'm sorry, Klinger.
Better dismiss me, sir,
before my mascara starts.
Dismissed.
Okay, another stitch
and then we'll be finished.
Some more 30 chromic, and quickly!
You know my temper.
- Sponge that, please, Nurse.
- I still think we oughta do
an operation for MacArthur.
- We could even operate on him.
- Now, that's a great idea.
- Maybe remove his pipe.
- We could suck him out
through his own stem.
- You wanna finish here for me, please?
- Yes, Doctor.
My two favorite words.
What's your work assignment, Trap?
Supervise cleanup
of the garbage dump.
Oh, the assignments
are based on personality!
- Funny! What's yours?
- Entertainment committee.
Oh, you gonna inflate your sleeping bag
and do your Kate Smith imitation?
No. I got something
better planned.
Okay, this guy's all retreaded.
He's ready for the ward. Orderly!
No orderlies around, Doctor.
What do you mean,
no orderlies?
They're all out there
manicuring the rocks. I couldn't
even get an X ray on this guy.
Are we running a hospital
or a motel for visiting demigods?
It's Frank,
the all-purpose idiot.
He's been like a crazed weasel
ever since this thing started.
Why don't we have his legs
ironed for the inspection?
Kellye, gimme a hand here,
will you?
It's beginning to look like real army,
thanks to you, Major. Darling.
I just made up my mind General
MacArthur wasn't gonna catch us...
with our "thesies"
and "thosies" down.
Oh, Frank!
[Frank] Super-duper! That
little twerp really did a good job.
Let's just soak it in for a minute.
I'm soaking, Margaret.
Ohh!
Oh, he's so handsome!
So commanding.
- Who's the little guy?
- President Truman.
Well, that's about the size
of it, I guess. [Snickering]
Frank, please
don't laugh in here.
[Whispering]
Sorry, Margaret.
I can't wait to meet him.
We're practically family.
- Yes, darling.
- Dad and he fought the Huks
together in the Philippines.
- Fought the who?
- The Huks. A rebellious native tribe.
Oh, those Huks!
At home on the mantel,
we have a picture he autographed.
"Best wishes to my friend,
'Howitzer' Al Houlihan.
Knock 'em dead, fella."
- That's so warm, so human.
- That Christmas they exchanged
shrunken tribesman's heads.
Well, you don't forget
a little thing like that.
This is where he'll sleep.
I'll bet he sleeps deeper
than most people.
- Frank, do I dare?
- Well, Margaret, you are
practically family.
Your eyes are sparkling like club soda.
- I feel so... I don't know.
- I feel pretty "I don't know" myself.
- My face is hot.
- Uh-huh.
- And there's a lump in my throat.
- Let me kiss it.
- Oh, Margaret!
- Oh, Doug!
All right, everyone
into formation, please.
Ah, Colonel Blake? Colonel Blake,
if you will. Here, sir.
Mclntyre, on the other side
of Major Houlihan.
Could you hold this, sir?
Captain Spalding, on the end right here.
Now make this good, Pierce.
This is going into the memorial album.
Right, boss. And get in the front row.
I wanna catch those eyes.
- Wilco.
- Keep 'em spinning counterclockwise.
All right, everybody, move a few feet
to the left. Just a few steps.
Okay. Now take just
a few steps to the right.
Perfect. Hold it.
- [Shutter Clicks]
- Got it. Thank you.
- I had my eyes shut.
- That's okay. So did I.
Reviewing stand to convoy.
Are you ready? Over.
[Radar] Convoy to reviewing stand.
Ready over here. Over.
Move out! This is a rehearsal.
Repeat. This is a rehearsal.
Shut up, Frank!
Shut up.
- That's not gin.
- No, vodka. It's only a rehearsal.
How could you drink
at a time like this?
With a little luck,
we'll get sick.
##["Stars And Stripes Forever"
Playing On Loudspeaker]
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
He's much shorter
than I thought.
He shrunk.
All that walking on water.
##[Ends]
General MacArthur, I've waited
the whole war to meet you.
Klinger, I warned you!
I want a rehearsal too, sir.
I wanna show you
I can do it in good taste.
I'm a psycho, sir. A nutburger,
a jellybean. I got more dresses
than your wife.
- Klinger!
- Let me out, I'll kiss your pipe.
- Go, Klinger, go.
- Get that moron out of there!
Sir, let me stay!
I'll change my clothes!
- Promise?
- Have I ever lied to you, sir?
Take him away.
Sir, no!
I'll wear something drab.
You'll be proud of me, sir!
I think they took away
the wrong moron.
- Speak.
- Oh.
General MacArthur,
I bid you hail and welcome...
to the 4077 th Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital.
Although I have bid welcome
to other dignitaries...
this is the highest bidding
I have ever had the privilege.
- [Together] Of.
- Of. Privilege.
- Thank you, Colonel...
- Blake.
- Thank you, Blake.
- Introductions! Introductions!
Sir, may I present
my staff, General?
Yes.
- Two of my captains.
- Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah.
- He's Gomorrah.
- General, I've heard
a lot about you, sir.
Most of it infantile.
Ah, thank you.
And Major... Burns.
And his maiden aunt,
Major Houlihan.
- They're not supposed to say that.
- Quit horsing around.
General, as a memento
of this great honor...
I have prepared a souvenir book
with pictures and a complete history
of the 4077 th.
Which will be on sale in the lobby
as you leave the theater.
Here, General,
you see a picture of...
How did that get in there?
No lock on
the latrine door.
Colonel!
For crooning out loud, Frank,
it's just a rehearsal!
- I know, sir, but...
- [Man Over P.A. System]
Attention, all personnel!
General MacArthur has
just passed Checkpoint Able.
He'll be here in seconds!
This is not a rehearsal!
This is a real emergency!
Please, sir, over here, sir.
- Colonel.
- Here.
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
##["Stars And Stripes Forever"]
#Yeah, Big Mac is coming
He'll put an end to this war #
# Oh, the U.N. Decided
it was time for Mac
to take an encore #
# Oh, how I yearn to hear
Mac say, I shall return once more ##