M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Consultant - full transcript
Trapper, Hawkeye and their golf clubs are going to a medical conference in Tokyo. At a bar, they meet Major Anthony Borelli (Robert Alda) a civilian medical consultant lecturing at the conference. He is amused the drunken duo plan to skip lectures; they try to explain meatball surgery and exactly what it is they do in the war. Dr. Borelli is unfamiliar with the M*A*S*H model, as he served in WWI and WWII. Intrigued, he visits the 4077, where he introduces a new procedure regarding arterial grafts; limbs that used to be severed can be saved. The guys run through the paces to get the needed live artery but the conditions catch up with Borelli. Can Borelli talk Hawkeye through the surgery? Will Hawkeye be more understanding when he is on his third war?
- Morning, sir.
- Drive over to the Swamp.
Yes, sir.
- Radar!
- Gee, sir, why'd you run? I could've driven you.
Yeah, right.
Pierce! Mclntyre!
Oh, hello, Henry. Sorry Trapper
can't come out and play today...
but he's being a bad boy
and he won't stop sucking his socks.
Can it, will ya? You jokers were
supposed to be packed and ready at 0800.
I know, but Trapper refuses
to get in the suitcase.
- Come on, shake your tail!
- Not in front of Radar.
Here you go, caddy, put these in my car.
Hey, what're you taking these clubs for?
I tried to get a couple of nurses in,
but they wouldn't fit.
Look, you're supposed to be going
toJapan to attend a surgical clinic.
They're expecting you to show up
at Tokyo General Hospital.
Henry, I promise you
we'll drive by the building.
On our way to the golf course.
Be a sport, Henry, help us out.
We don't wanna wear ourselves out
and disappoint the geishas.
How much do you think
we should tip him?
Book says a quarter a bag.
- All right, Radar, take us to the airport.
- Yes, sir.
Where'd you learn to drive?
- The bumper cars.
- Figures.
My kidneys' lawyer
will call you in the morning.
Now, listen, you guys,
you better check out that clinic...
or somebody'll put my butt
in a sling.
- It'll improve your posture.
- I'm gonna miss you guys.
- Don't blubber in front of the troops.
- Bring me back something.
No chance.
We're gonna be careful.
- Bye-bye, Radar.
- See ya, sirs.
Do your homework.
- Okay, Radar, back to the compound.
- Yes, sir!
- Should we try the bar?
- All right, but I can only stay three days.
Excuse us.
This place serve servicemen?
Bartender.
What are you drinking?
- I'd love a zombie.
- Necrophiliac.
- A zombie, please.
- Yes, sir.
- Keep making 'em until I turn into one.
- I'll have a scotch and water.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll drink the scotch now and come by tomorrow for the water.
- You look like you could use another drink.
- You must be psychic.
No, actually I'm a physic.
I can predict all your future movements.
- The same, please.
- Yes, sir. Vodka Gibson.
- Me too.
- You're having scotch. You can't mix drinks.
Right.
Put 'em in separate glasses.
Major, I'm John Mclntyre.
This is Hawkeye Pierce.
Is it all right for you two
to be in an officers' club?
We're captains. We tore our bars off
when we went over the wall.
Anthony Borelli.
The rank is honorary. I'm here as
a civilian medical consultant.
- Yeah? Where's home?
- San Francisco.
I loved a girl in San Francisco once.
No, twice.
- Gentlemen.
- Ah, here we are.
- Happy days.
- In the army?
Don't you like soldier suits?
- Whooh! Our invitations to the clinic read "informal. "
- You're doctors.
- Surgeons.
- I'm a gynecologist for the F.B.I.
You over here to tell us
everything you know?
Should take about ten minutes. I'm looking
forward to meeting you at the lectures.
- You'll look backward to seeing us.
- We're not coming.
We're over here for the girls.
We're gonna take a refresher course
in getting our faces slapped.
There are some very fine doctors
who've come a long way...
to discuss some
new surgical techniques.
We're from a MASH unit. We work
three, four miles from the front.
- Meatball surgery.
- Seven tables, no waiting.
Kids come in fresh from the field.
We get a lot of belly wounds,
a lot of dangling limbs.
We get 'em ready for Tokyo fast.
Not much time for technique.
We're closing 'em up even
before we can get our hands out.
Sounds challenging.
We're not there by choice.
We were snatched from our cradles
by gypsies and sold to the army.
- Ready for another?
- Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine.
Bartender, two more.
If you're trying to get me drunk,
it'll probably work.
- Ever been to Korea, Doctor?
- No.
Oh, you'd love it. In addition to trauma
surgery and wholesale amputation...
we've got typhus, filariasis...
encephalitis, typhoid,
paratyphoid and cholera.
Korea's the Detroit of bacteria.
We operate in the filth.
- In the mud.
- In the muck.
- Muck and mud.
- Who'll ever forget them?
- Gentlemen.
- Arigato. I'll tell you what, Doc.
You wanna really be useful
over here?
Stop hanging out
in the cozy locker room in Tokyo.
If you and your pals wanna
really get in the game...
come out to a MASH unit
or an aid station.
- Come back to the front with us.
- Or front to the back with us.
No, thanks.
I saw my share of the front lines
in World War I and II.
Fair enough.
To World War None.
Have a good stay, Doctor.
Get your net. We're starting
a Madame Butterfly collection.
- Radar, this is heaven.
- Yes, sir.
- You're a genius.
- Ah, yes, sir.
Colonel Blake,
you are not listening to me!
Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank.
I'm not listening to you.
- The water could be just a titch warmer.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Colonel, I have incontrovertible proof
that Pierce and Mclntyre...
did not attend one single lecture
the whole time they were in Tokyo.
They spent the entire three days
in the company of geisha girls...
bargirls and female golf caddies.
I ought to have them whipped,
although they probably are.
- Is that all you can say?
- Look, Frank, they didn't get arrested...
and I count that for something.
Now just let me soak in this pool
until I get nice and wrinkled, okay?
Colonel, do you not understand...
- Oh, pooh, I forgot my sunglasses.
- Take mine.
Degenerates!
You peeked. I believe
that's the pool just ahead.
Right next to the outhouse.
All right, Henry, out of the pool.
I'm gonna do 35 laps.
We have to stay in shape
in case we're drafted.
Look out!
Frank tells me you guys
didn't attend one lecture.
- Couldn't, Henry.
- We got sick and had to have round the clock nurses.
- You characters.
- Chopper.
- Wounded?
- No announcement.
I'll be damned.
Who is that man?
Don't you know?
That's the Lone Ranger.
Sir.
Why don't you let me put you up
in the V.I.P. Tent, Doctor?
You'd be a whole lot more
comfortable.
I've had enough of the locker room,
Colonel. I came to get into the game.
You couldn't have picked
any place gamier.
You must be hungry after your trip.
We've got a very fine mess tent.
The tent is terrific.
The food puts you away.
- Excuse me, sir. I've laid out your things.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
- Radar, why don't you...
Yes, sir, I'll arrange a tour
for Dr. Borelli right away.
- I'd have bet anything that you wouldn't have come.
- Won't they miss you in Tokyo?
I'm a civilian. They going to bust me
from a Mister down to a Miss?
So, this is Korea?
- You'll find it everything we said it wasn't.
- It's cold, smelly and poor.
But it is unpleasant.
- Artillery.
- Ours?
- And theirs.
- It's a set.
Great place for the doctor business.
Beginning of the year,
over a two-month period...
this unit treated
almost 5,000 casualties.
- That's incredible.
- Well, I had help, of course.
Colonel, we heard Dr. Borelli
was with us.
Oh, Dr. Borelli, this is our chief nurse,
Major Margaret Houlihan.
- Major.
- Sir.
Oh, and that's Major Burns.
- Major.
- Honorary.
I'm a doctor,
not really a major.
Perfect. Frank's a major
who's not really a doctor.
- Pierce.
- Just a little white truth.
What brings you to the 4077,
Doctor?
I couldn't get these two
to listen to me lecture in Tokyo...
so I came over here to bore them.
- Oh, I'm sure you'll be anything but boring.
- Anything but.
Well, there's two "buts"
who say you're wrong.
Hmm. Feels like it's going to martini.
- Great idea.
- Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
Both shifts report to the O.R.
On the double.
Let's go.
- Well, you got here just in time, Doctor.
- Pretty exciting.
Let's hope you feel that way
about nausea.
- Let me have some suction there, will ya, Gwen?
- Yes, sir.
Look at that. Those are my sutures.
There and there.
This is the third time
through here for this kid.
Must like your work.
Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya?
I'm sweating like a pig.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- You're welcome, darling.
- Artillery.
- You've got noisy neighbors, Father.
Dress this for me.
This leg's badly crushed,
and there's no way of saving it.
- Give me a knife and have a saw ready.
- Wait.
You don't have to amputate.
- But the artery is crushed.
- You can do an arterial transplant.
A new segment of artery can be grafted
in place of the damaged portion.
Dr. Borelli, what you're saying
is new to us.
But then, uh, clean sheets
would be new to us.
Well, the operation is similar
to coarctation of the aorta...
where the narrowed area was removed
and the two ends sewn together.
Have you ever done this
operation before, Doctor?
Yes, and it works. All you need
is a section of new artery.
If we haven't got one,
we can call around to other outfits.
I am sick to death of
sending kids home in only one boot.
If you're going to do it,
you better move fast.
That leg's not gonna last more
than another four or five hours.
Colonel, we've never tried this before.
Someone could get into trouble.
Radar!
Come on, come on.
Hello, Charlie Company?
Listen, it's me again. I'm still looking
for that piece of artery.
Have you got any casualties?
I am not a ghoul!
I work in a hospital!
I do!
How'd ya like a specimen
in your ear, fella?
Hello, Able?
Yeah, he's still holding. Look...
I can't hear you.
Boy, you got the war on loud there!
I'm looking for... Don't go away.
Wait a minute. Just hold on.
MASH 4077. Oh, yeah, listen,
I've been trying to get you.
We've got less than four hours to perform
an arterial transplant, and I need...
Hold on a second. Hold on.
MASH 407...
You can? You have? You will?
Forget it! Forget it! Shoot!
What's the story with those two?
- He's a creep.
- She's a creepette.
They met in adjoining jars
in medical school.
Well, a person doesn't have to be an
eye doctor to see what's going on here.
I don't know what you're
talking about, Frank.
Keep drooling down your front,
you'll have to change your bra.
Frank!
- Great coffee.
- Drink between the grounds.
My money's on Radar.
I got it! A British outfit's had heavy
casualties. They'll let us have one.
- How far away are they?
- Sixteen miles up Broadway.
- A couple, three hours there and back.
- Let's go.
- You all right?
- Go ahead. I'll stay here...
where it's safe.
Watch where you're going.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Hey, would I kid you?
Why didn't you think of it
before we left home?
An artery, you say?
From one of my dead lads?
Yes, sir.
- For transplanting into one of your live ones?
- Right.
Well, an incredible fuss
for just a leg, isn't it?
- Sure you wouldn't like a splash?
- Uh, no, thank you.
You know, my father
lost both legs in the Great War.
Never missed them.
Said he lived years longer
not having to tie his laces.
Sir, we're fighting the clock
a little bit on this one.
- If you'd just sign this release.
- Oh, yes, yes. Let me see it.
Oh, the shelling stopped.
Well, all good things
must come to an end.
Yes. Quite.
Well, it all seems perfectly grisly...
and quite correct.
Thank you.
- A British artery in an American leg, eh?
- That's right.
Probably develop an irresistible urge
to drive on the left side of the road.
Yes, quite.
- Get this to Major Houlihan. Preparation for transplant.
- Yes, sir.
- Page Dr. Borelli to O.R.
- Yes, sir.
- This stuff in supply. Did you get it?
- Sure did.
I had a date with some nurse tonight.
Find out who and tell her I can't make it.
It was me.
- Radar, go get Borelli.
- Oh, right.
- I'm excited as hell about this.
- Take it easy, will you?
All we gotta do is assist.
Borelli's got the hard part.
Dr. Borelli, please report to
the O.R. Dr. Borelli, immediately.
- He's gonna love operating in our flea circus.
- As long as he saves the leg.
He will. It all feels right.
Then we can escort him back to Tokyo.
I met the most fantastic girl there.
You've been holdin' out on me.
When?
Friday night.
I can't remember which bathtub.
Hawkeye?
- Where's Borelli?
- He's in the Swamp.
You'd better come.
Doctor? The dance is starting.
We need you to stand your partner up.
Didn't you hear the page?
You're not fit to operate.
I know.
We'll just tell the patient
that his doctor is soused.
Hope he doesn't mind walking around for
the rest of his life on a tree trunk.
You can do it, Pierce.
I've watched you work.
You can do it better than I can.
I've never done it before.
I've never even seen it done.
I'll be right behind ya.
That'll be a great comfort.
- Cut it? Okay.
- Yeah, go on.
Okay. Now open the vascular clamp.
- It's leaking at the upper suture line.
- Put another stitch in.
Okay, cut it, hmm?
Okay. Give it a tie. Cut.
All right. Try it again.
- Give it a cut.
- Wait a second.
- Okay.
- All right.
It's holding now.
Look at that bugger!
- Pulse is good.
Foot's getting pink and warming up.
Stick around, folks. As an encore, I'm
gonna sew Houlihan and Trapper together.
- Good work, Doctors.
- Thank you, Doctor.
They couldn't have done it
better atJohns Hopkins.
- Wanna cut that?
- Mm-hmm. Cut.
How 'bout some coffee?
I'd like to fill a swimmin' pool with it.
- I'll catch up with you later.
- Sure.
You did a good job, Doctor.
Somebody had to.
- I didn't drink at all in World War I.
- Was liquor invented then?
In the Second War, I never drank
until I was through working.
One for the road, Doc?
Or two or three?
Maybe you'd like to take
a few home in a doggy bag.
Please don't confuse my explanation
for an apology.
The place got to me.
I wanted to get into the game, but I'd
forgotten how rough the game can be.
- Uh-huh.
- Didn't you ever have that problem?
Not to your degree.
What's that your leaning on,
a bubble gum machine?
You have a great many gifts,
Doctor.
It's a pity you can't number
compassion among them.
I'm suffering from
the three sure signs of age:
Bit of a spread, gray hair...
feet of clay.
I wish you better luck
on your third war.
- Colonel.
- Thanks for your help, Major.
- Major.
- It's a privilege, sir.
Trapper, I'll see ya
in Tokyo sometime.
I'll come to the lecture next time.
- Maybe you'll come back someday.
- Oh, it's been a real pleasure.
Oh, it's been our pleasure.
- Thanks for everything, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
Have a good trip.
- Drive over to the Swamp.
Yes, sir.
- Radar!
- Gee, sir, why'd you run? I could've driven you.
Yeah, right.
Pierce! Mclntyre!
Oh, hello, Henry. Sorry Trapper
can't come out and play today...
but he's being a bad boy
and he won't stop sucking his socks.
Can it, will ya? You jokers were
supposed to be packed and ready at 0800.
I know, but Trapper refuses
to get in the suitcase.
- Come on, shake your tail!
- Not in front of Radar.
Here you go, caddy, put these in my car.
Hey, what're you taking these clubs for?
I tried to get a couple of nurses in,
but they wouldn't fit.
Look, you're supposed to be going
toJapan to attend a surgical clinic.
They're expecting you to show up
at Tokyo General Hospital.
Henry, I promise you
we'll drive by the building.
On our way to the golf course.
Be a sport, Henry, help us out.
We don't wanna wear ourselves out
and disappoint the geishas.
How much do you think
we should tip him?
Book says a quarter a bag.
- All right, Radar, take us to the airport.
- Yes, sir.
Where'd you learn to drive?
- The bumper cars.
- Figures.
My kidneys' lawyer
will call you in the morning.
Now, listen, you guys,
you better check out that clinic...
or somebody'll put my butt
in a sling.
- It'll improve your posture.
- I'm gonna miss you guys.
- Don't blubber in front of the troops.
- Bring me back something.
No chance.
We're gonna be careful.
- Bye-bye, Radar.
- See ya, sirs.
Do your homework.
- Okay, Radar, back to the compound.
- Yes, sir!
- Should we try the bar?
- All right, but I can only stay three days.
Excuse us.
This place serve servicemen?
Bartender.
What are you drinking?
- I'd love a zombie.
- Necrophiliac.
- A zombie, please.
- Yes, sir.
- Keep making 'em until I turn into one.
- I'll have a scotch and water.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll drink the scotch now and come by tomorrow for the water.
- You look like you could use another drink.
- You must be psychic.
No, actually I'm a physic.
I can predict all your future movements.
- The same, please.
- Yes, sir. Vodka Gibson.
- Me too.
- You're having scotch. You can't mix drinks.
Right.
Put 'em in separate glasses.
Major, I'm John Mclntyre.
This is Hawkeye Pierce.
Is it all right for you two
to be in an officers' club?
We're captains. We tore our bars off
when we went over the wall.
Anthony Borelli.
The rank is honorary. I'm here as
a civilian medical consultant.
- Yeah? Where's home?
- San Francisco.
I loved a girl in San Francisco once.
No, twice.
- Gentlemen.
- Ah, here we are.
- Happy days.
- In the army?
Don't you like soldier suits?
- Whooh! Our invitations to the clinic read "informal. "
- You're doctors.
- Surgeons.
- I'm a gynecologist for the F.B.I.
You over here to tell us
everything you know?
Should take about ten minutes. I'm looking
forward to meeting you at the lectures.
- You'll look backward to seeing us.
- We're not coming.
We're over here for the girls.
We're gonna take a refresher course
in getting our faces slapped.
There are some very fine doctors
who've come a long way...
to discuss some
new surgical techniques.
We're from a MASH unit. We work
three, four miles from the front.
- Meatball surgery.
- Seven tables, no waiting.
Kids come in fresh from the field.
We get a lot of belly wounds,
a lot of dangling limbs.
We get 'em ready for Tokyo fast.
Not much time for technique.
We're closing 'em up even
before we can get our hands out.
Sounds challenging.
We're not there by choice.
We were snatched from our cradles
by gypsies and sold to the army.
- Ready for another?
- Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine.
Bartender, two more.
If you're trying to get me drunk,
it'll probably work.
- Ever been to Korea, Doctor?
- No.
Oh, you'd love it. In addition to trauma
surgery and wholesale amputation...
we've got typhus, filariasis...
encephalitis, typhoid,
paratyphoid and cholera.
Korea's the Detroit of bacteria.
We operate in the filth.
- In the mud.
- In the muck.
- Muck and mud.
- Who'll ever forget them?
- Gentlemen.
- Arigato. I'll tell you what, Doc.
You wanna really be useful
over here?
Stop hanging out
in the cozy locker room in Tokyo.
If you and your pals wanna
really get in the game...
come out to a MASH unit
or an aid station.
- Come back to the front with us.
- Or front to the back with us.
No, thanks.
I saw my share of the front lines
in World War I and II.
Fair enough.
To World War None.
Have a good stay, Doctor.
Get your net. We're starting
a Madame Butterfly collection.
- Radar, this is heaven.
- Yes, sir.
- You're a genius.
- Ah, yes, sir.
Colonel Blake,
you are not listening to me!
Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank.
I'm not listening to you.
- The water could be just a titch warmer.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Colonel, I have incontrovertible proof
that Pierce and Mclntyre...
did not attend one single lecture
the whole time they were in Tokyo.
They spent the entire three days
in the company of geisha girls...
bargirls and female golf caddies.
I ought to have them whipped,
although they probably are.
- Is that all you can say?
- Look, Frank, they didn't get arrested...
and I count that for something.
Now just let me soak in this pool
until I get nice and wrinkled, okay?
Colonel, do you not understand...
- Oh, pooh, I forgot my sunglasses.
- Take mine.
Degenerates!
You peeked. I believe
that's the pool just ahead.
Right next to the outhouse.
All right, Henry, out of the pool.
I'm gonna do 35 laps.
We have to stay in shape
in case we're drafted.
Look out!
Frank tells me you guys
didn't attend one lecture.
- Couldn't, Henry.
- We got sick and had to have round the clock nurses.
- You characters.
- Chopper.
- Wounded?
- No announcement.
I'll be damned.
Who is that man?
Don't you know?
That's the Lone Ranger.
Sir.
Why don't you let me put you up
in the V.I.P. Tent, Doctor?
You'd be a whole lot more
comfortable.
I've had enough of the locker room,
Colonel. I came to get into the game.
You couldn't have picked
any place gamier.
You must be hungry after your trip.
We've got a very fine mess tent.
The tent is terrific.
The food puts you away.
- Excuse me, sir. I've laid out your things.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
- Radar, why don't you...
Yes, sir, I'll arrange a tour
for Dr. Borelli right away.
- I'd have bet anything that you wouldn't have come.
- Won't they miss you in Tokyo?
I'm a civilian. They going to bust me
from a Mister down to a Miss?
So, this is Korea?
- You'll find it everything we said it wasn't.
- It's cold, smelly and poor.
But it is unpleasant.
- Artillery.
- Ours?
- And theirs.
- It's a set.
Great place for the doctor business.
Beginning of the year,
over a two-month period...
this unit treated
almost 5,000 casualties.
- That's incredible.
- Well, I had help, of course.
Colonel, we heard Dr. Borelli
was with us.
Oh, Dr. Borelli, this is our chief nurse,
Major Margaret Houlihan.
- Major.
- Sir.
Oh, and that's Major Burns.
- Major.
- Honorary.
I'm a doctor,
not really a major.
Perfect. Frank's a major
who's not really a doctor.
- Pierce.
- Just a little white truth.
What brings you to the 4077,
Doctor?
I couldn't get these two
to listen to me lecture in Tokyo...
so I came over here to bore them.
- Oh, I'm sure you'll be anything but boring.
- Anything but.
Well, there's two "buts"
who say you're wrong.
Hmm. Feels like it's going to martini.
- Great idea.
- Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
Both shifts report to the O.R.
On the double.
Let's go.
- Well, you got here just in time, Doctor.
- Pretty exciting.
Let's hope you feel that way
about nausea.
- Let me have some suction there, will ya, Gwen?
- Yes, sir.
Look at that. Those are my sutures.
There and there.
This is the third time
through here for this kid.
Must like your work.
Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya?
I'm sweating like a pig.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- You're welcome, darling.
- Artillery.
- You've got noisy neighbors, Father.
Dress this for me.
This leg's badly crushed,
and there's no way of saving it.
- Give me a knife and have a saw ready.
- Wait.
You don't have to amputate.
- But the artery is crushed.
- You can do an arterial transplant.
A new segment of artery can be grafted
in place of the damaged portion.
Dr. Borelli, what you're saying
is new to us.
But then, uh, clean sheets
would be new to us.
Well, the operation is similar
to coarctation of the aorta...
where the narrowed area was removed
and the two ends sewn together.
Have you ever done this
operation before, Doctor?
Yes, and it works. All you need
is a section of new artery.
If we haven't got one,
we can call around to other outfits.
I am sick to death of
sending kids home in only one boot.
If you're going to do it,
you better move fast.
That leg's not gonna last more
than another four or five hours.
Colonel, we've never tried this before.
Someone could get into trouble.
Radar!
Come on, come on.
Hello, Charlie Company?
Listen, it's me again. I'm still looking
for that piece of artery.
Have you got any casualties?
I am not a ghoul!
I work in a hospital!
I do!
How'd ya like a specimen
in your ear, fella?
Hello, Able?
Yeah, he's still holding. Look...
I can't hear you.
Boy, you got the war on loud there!
I'm looking for... Don't go away.
Wait a minute. Just hold on.
MASH 4077. Oh, yeah, listen,
I've been trying to get you.
We've got less than four hours to perform
an arterial transplant, and I need...
Hold on a second. Hold on.
MASH 407...
You can? You have? You will?
Forget it! Forget it! Shoot!
What's the story with those two?
- He's a creep.
- She's a creepette.
They met in adjoining jars
in medical school.
Well, a person doesn't have to be an
eye doctor to see what's going on here.
I don't know what you're
talking about, Frank.
Keep drooling down your front,
you'll have to change your bra.
Frank!
- Great coffee.
- Drink between the grounds.
My money's on Radar.
I got it! A British outfit's had heavy
casualties. They'll let us have one.
- How far away are they?
- Sixteen miles up Broadway.
- A couple, three hours there and back.
- Let's go.
- You all right?
- Go ahead. I'll stay here...
where it's safe.
Watch where you're going.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Hey, would I kid you?
Why didn't you think of it
before we left home?
An artery, you say?
From one of my dead lads?
Yes, sir.
- For transplanting into one of your live ones?
- Right.
Well, an incredible fuss
for just a leg, isn't it?
- Sure you wouldn't like a splash?
- Uh, no, thank you.
You know, my father
lost both legs in the Great War.
Never missed them.
Said he lived years longer
not having to tie his laces.
Sir, we're fighting the clock
a little bit on this one.
- If you'd just sign this release.
- Oh, yes, yes. Let me see it.
Oh, the shelling stopped.
Well, all good things
must come to an end.
Yes. Quite.
Well, it all seems perfectly grisly...
and quite correct.
Thank you.
- A British artery in an American leg, eh?
- That's right.
Probably develop an irresistible urge
to drive on the left side of the road.
Yes, quite.
- Get this to Major Houlihan. Preparation for transplant.
- Yes, sir.
- Page Dr. Borelli to O.R.
- Yes, sir.
- This stuff in supply. Did you get it?
- Sure did.
I had a date with some nurse tonight.
Find out who and tell her I can't make it.
It was me.
- Radar, go get Borelli.
- Oh, right.
- I'm excited as hell about this.
- Take it easy, will you?
All we gotta do is assist.
Borelli's got the hard part.
Dr. Borelli, please report to
the O.R. Dr. Borelli, immediately.
- He's gonna love operating in our flea circus.
- As long as he saves the leg.
He will. It all feels right.
Then we can escort him back to Tokyo.
I met the most fantastic girl there.
You've been holdin' out on me.
When?
Friday night.
I can't remember which bathtub.
Hawkeye?
- Where's Borelli?
- He's in the Swamp.
You'd better come.
Doctor? The dance is starting.
We need you to stand your partner up.
Didn't you hear the page?
You're not fit to operate.
I know.
We'll just tell the patient
that his doctor is soused.
Hope he doesn't mind walking around for
the rest of his life on a tree trunk.
You can do it, Pierce.
I've watched you work.
You can do it better than I can.
I've never done it before.
I've never even seen it done.
I'll be right behind ya.
That'll be a great comfort.
- Cut it? Okay.
- Yeah, go on.
Okay. Now open the vascular clamp.
- It's leaking at the upper suture line.
- Put another stitch in.
Okay, cut it, hmm?
Okay. Give it a tie. Cut.
All right. Try it again.
- Give it a cut.
- Wait a second.
- Okay.
- All right.
It's holding now.
Look at that bugger!
- Pulse is good.
Foot's getting pink and warming up.
Stick around, folks. As an encore, I'm
gonna sew Houlihan and Trapper together.
- Good work, Doctors.
- Thank you, Doctor.
They couldn't have done it
better atJohns Hopkins.
- Wanna cut that?
- Mm-hmm. Cut.
How 'bout some coffee?
I'd like to fill a swimmin' pool with it.
- I'll catch up with you later.
- Sure.
You did a good job, Doctor.
Somebody had to.
- I didn't drink at all in World War I.
- Was liquor invented then?
In the Second War, I never drank
until I was through working.
One for the road, Doc?
Or two or three?
Maybe you'd like to take
a few home in a doggy bag.
Please don't confuse my explanation
for an apology.
The place got to me.
I wanted to get into the game, but I'd
forgotten how rough the game can be.
- Uh-huh.
- Didn't you ever have that problem?
Not to your degree.
What's that your leaning on,
a bubble gum machine?
You have a great many gifts,
Doctor.
It's a pity you can't number
compassion among them.
I'm suffering from
the three sure signs of age:
Bit of a spread, gray hair...
feet of clay.
I wish you better luck
on your third war.
- Colonel.
- Thanks for your help, Major.
- Major.
- It's a privilege, sir.
Trapper, I'll see ya
in Tokyo sometime.
I'll come to the lecture next time.
- Maybe you'll come back someday.
- Oh, it's been a real pleasure.
Oh, it's been our pleasure.
- Thanks for everything, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
Have a good trip.