M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 16 - Bulletin Board - full transcript
Henry Blake will tell everything he knows about sex. Actually, he speaks on birth control; all 18 of the UN peace-keeping forces are cautioning their men not to "litter" Korea. Margaret asks Frank for a loan to help her sister and he refuses. Trapper writes his 7-year old, Becky, about his life in Korea. He describes Dr. Pierce as a good egg, but grumpy in the a.m.; Dr. Burns is "sort of like a substitute teacher that stays all year." Trapper tells Becky about a case of hypothermia Frank pronounced dead without first checking the carotid artery. Not even Shirley Temple can keep Klinger and Zale from fighting. Poor Henry loses a patient and he is upset. The guys want him to unwind with the 4077 at the 1st annual Polly Adler B'day cookout, picnic and BBQ with proceeds to Sr. Theresa's Korean orphans. All booths are doing well except for Klinger's gypsy $1.00 per kiss booth: you would not believe what the nurses expect for a dollar! But Henry is not having fun. Hotlips is frosty to Frank about the $240; he will loan it to her if she signs an IOU and pays him interest. A game of tug-of-war ensues; it is officers versus enlisted men. Played over a wet, muddy pond, the game is a riot and it does wonders to lift Henry's spirits.
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31, 35, 40...
45, 50, 55...
60, 65, 70...
7... 71.
- 71. Beat that.
- Aw, 71.
- Come on. Beat it.
- That's nothin'. You watch this.
- Ready? One.
- [Laughing]
What'd you do,
change balls on me?
What's the announcement,
Radar?
It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna
tell us everything he knows about sex.
That should be
an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Look at this.
No eyes.
[Ball Continues
Bouncing]
Good afternoon, men.
[Clears Throat]
Now, first of all,
let me thank all of you in advance...
for what I know will be
your full and undivided attention.
- [Imitating Snoring]
- [Laughing]
The topic for today
has to do with the subject of sex.
[All Cheering]
All right, all right.
Now let's not go gaga.
Sex happens to be one of
the most important things in life...
inasmuch as each one of us
is one or the other gender of it...
once we're born, which is
the direct result of the act of it.
- Sir?
- Uh, we'll have questions
after the lecture.
What about answers?
I was just wondering, should I roll down
the flaps so the nurses don't hear?
Radar, all the nurses
have heard about sex.
- I know I've been spreading the word.
- Shut your face!
- Kiss me.
- [Henry] Okay, now...
the aspect of today's subject
that I'm going to delve on...
is the U.S. Army's contribution
to birth control.
- I knew they were gonna
ask for contributions.
- I gave at the office.
Now each of us here
knows why, uh...
he is in Korea.
Major Burns.
We are here to stem the red tide, to
finish up the Commies once and for all.
Anyone with half a mind knows,
as I do, that, after Germany...
we should've knocked out the Russkies,
then clobbered the Chinese...
before they forced Chiang Kai-shek
and his very beautiful wife...
off the mainland.
To which I, for one, say
they should be unleashed...
so that they can liberate
the real Chinese people...
and restore the government
that America's paid...
so many millions
of dollars to help get.
Sir. I thought
the lecture was on sex.
I didn't iron my dress
to talk politics.
- Sit down, Klinger.
- Now listen, Corporal...
You, too, Frank.
We're in Korea by order of the U.N.,
along with 17 other nations...
to try to stabilize this country
politically and militarily.
We are not here
to add to the population.
The one thing they don't need
in Asia is more Asians.
Many of you have heard me speak
on reproduction and V.D.
I've got
both your albums.
But today's subject
is much more important.
Now, this country
is on its can.
There's not enough food,
housing, schools.
You name it...
they haven't got it.
So don't add
to its problems.
Now, uh, when
you're shipped home...
just make sure that you don't
leave any little time bombs...
that are gonna go off
nine months later.
[Chuckling]
Now, I know you're only human.
Present company
excepted.
We don't expect you
to behave like monks.
The army just wants you
to be careful...
so that you don't leave behind
any little "monklets."
[Laughing]
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
See the bulletin board for details
on the payroll savings plan.
Buy a bond
for 25, 50 or 100.
Bet America
to win, place or show.
Come on. Don't be slackers.
Join in. Sign up.
- I forgot my name.
- Amnesia.
Happens every time somebody
wants me to invest in a war.
Well, bullets
cost bucks, mister.
I'd like that tattooed
on my thigh.
You're both a blemish
on the record of this unit.
I'm gonna do something
to get rid of the blemishes tonight.
Uh, ach, du lieber.
You get the feeling
Frank's one war behind?
Did you see
this announcement?
[Mumbling, Indistinct]
- [Knocking]
- Frank? You alone?
Where are they?
Oh, they said something
about nurse molesting.
- I want to see you.
- I have a headache, Margaret.
No, no.
I have a favor
to ask of you.
Oh, anything, darling.
You know that.
My sister's
getting married.
My younger sister
is getting married.
And she's
only a captain.
Oh, marriage isn't all
that it's cracked up to be.
Let me tell you,
honestly.
No. Marriage is probably
the chief cause of divorce.
I want to borrow $240
for a wedding present.
It's key money
for an apartment.
- Two hundred and...
- And $40.
Surely
I'm worth $240.
- Frank?
- Every penny.
But I wish I could.
I really do, but...
But all your money's
tied up in wealth, right?
Oh, those
are just bonds.
You've bought enough
to start your own country.
- Shh!
- I just wanna borrow $240.
But don't you have
the money, Margaret?
Dear? Didn't your dad
leave you a bit?
Mother drank it.
Half my salary
goes toward drying her out...
and the other half
for bail.
Bail?
When she's sober...
she's a klepto.
She was caught in a store
last week...
stuffing a radio
up her jumper.
- Frank?
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
I just can't do it.
It rubs against the grain.
"Neither a lender nor a borrower be."
Polonius.
"To give and not count the cost."
St. Ignatius Loyola.
"The holy passion of friendship
is of so sweet...
"and steady and loyal
and enduring a nature...
"that it will last throughout
a whole lifetime...
if not asked to lend money."
Mark Twain.
"Blow it out your ear!"
Margaret Houlihan.
[Man On P.A.] The morale officer
would like to remind all personnel...
not to be "negilgent"...
[Chuckles] uh, negligent...
about writing
to the folks back home.
Remember, you gotta
write 'em to get 'em.
- ## [Phonograph, Sentimental]
- [Thinking] Dear Becky...
I hope you had
a nice birthday party.
I'd have given anything
to be there.
In your last letter, you said I never
really tell you what I'm doing.
Well, now that
you're all of seven...
I'll try to describe
what it's like over here.
- [Blows]
- First of all, I live in a tent...
which is kind of old and smelly,
which I share with two doctors...
who are young and smelly.
One is Hawkeye Pierce.
He's a good egg...
but just a little grumpy
when it comes to waking up.
Come on. Everybody up.
Rise and shine!
- Hawk?
- I'm up!
Get up on your feet up.
[Sighs]
Korea? The war still?
Right.
What's to get up?
I left a call for half past peace.
Night shift. Come on.
Let's go. Up.
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute!
Why are we wasting this
on each other for?
[Trapper Thinking]
Major Burns is Daddy's other tent mate...
sort of like a substitute teacher
that stays all year.
Like us, he's here to patch up
the soldiers as best we can.
They don't ever seem
to stop coming.
It's very routine work, except
once in a while like last December.
[Henry]
Put him to sleep.
- Colonel.
- Yo.
His feet, sir.
- Oh, God! More frost?
- Three toes, at least.
When the hell is the army
gonna develop a boot that works?
I'm almost finished.
You want to turn down that gas...
before this private
floats to the top of the room?
- [Gas Flow Stops]
- Okay, sir. Thanks for the break.
- I'll take over.
- Pressure and pulse are stable.
Why don't you check
the other tables?
- Maybe somebody left a tip.
- Aw, baloney!
- Major Burns!
- What is it?
Chopper plucked him off a mine field.
He was there all night.
- Get this body outta here, P.D.Q.
- He dead, sir?
Of course.
Froze to death.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Hold it.
What do you got?
Deceased, Mclntyre.
I checked it.
Are you "deef'?
I said "deceased."
Kaput. No pulse,
no heartbeat.
- Okay. Take him back. Let's go.
- Ooh!
We might be able
to save this guy.
Uh, get me
a cut-down tray...
and four units
of O-negative blood.
- You get a pulse?
- Not in the arm.
- Like I said.
- Cut the shirt. Let's go.
Frank, his extremities are frozen.
You didn't check the carotid.
You ever hear
of hypothermia?
He only knows what's condensed
in Reader's Digest. You get anything?
A faint beat.
Where's the, uh... Oh, great.
Frank, hypothermia is a state
of reduced body temperature...
slowing down
all functions.
- I knew that.
- Get me some blankets and a prep tray.
- Frank, you prep.
- Right.
This guy thaws out,
he's liable to start bleeding.
What happened, Radar?
He was in a mine field
all night long.
He's a lucky fella.
If this had been summer,
he would've bled to death.
[Thinking]
That's it for now, baby.
I'd like to be able to tell you
when I'm coming home...
- [Record Sticking]
- But, for a while now,
all I can do is stay here...
and make the best of it.
- [Music Stops]
- [Phonograph Grinds On]
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie
is a holdover from last week...
and will be shown
right after supper...
which is also a holdover
from last week.
- [Tapping]
- # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
- [Audience Chattering]
- [Klinger] Down in front.
- [Singing, Tapping Continue]
- Sit down, Rob.
I'm glad we finally
got a new film.
Sure beats Twelve Ways
to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker.
You wanna remove
your hat, lady?
How would you like me
to remove your teeth?
- [People Chattering]
- Sit down,
or I'll make you eat your bra.
- I only dress like this
to get outta the army.
- [People Shushing]
You're too pretty.
They'll never let you go.
I'd like some popcorn,
please.
- ##[Continues]
- [Tap Dancing Continues]
- Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
- Just get by.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
- [Tap Dancing]
- [Robinson] Hey.
[Temple]
Hey!
- [Robinson] Hey! Hey!
- [Temple] Hey!
##[Continues]
Have I missed much?
- The Civil War started.
- Don't tell him how it ends.
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya ##
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya ##
I've got a bleeder
in post-op...
an 18-year-old kid.
- [Man In Movie]
All right. It'll be $9.60.
- Hi.
[Second Man]
Thank you.
- Watch your hands. Both of them.
- What?
- What the hell!
- Keep your hands to yourself.
Huh?
I swear, Henry,
these fingers never left my hands.
Well, don't look at me.
I only fool around with girls.
Will you sirs kindly mind?
It's Shirley Temple.
She's not really
a kid, Radar.
Her mother stunted her growth...
made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.
- She's 42 years old.
- Aw! Please.
- Heh!
- Heh!
[Movie:
People Chattering]
[Chattering,
Shushing]
Doctor? That patient
is hemorrhaging again.
Oh, Lord.
All right, let's go.
[Klinger]
Excuse me. Pardon me, sir.
- I'm sorry. Pardon me.
- [Man] Not you again?
- [People Chattering]
- Klinger, sit down!
- Move it.
- This seat is taken.
Oh, no, it isn't.
It's empty.
Can you
believe that guy?
[People Shouting,
Indistinct]
Hey! Break it up
back there!
[All Shouting]
[All Cheering,
Applauding]
You can't fight
in here.
[Margaret]
Can't somebody stop that?
[All Shouting]
[Man]
Hey, stop it! Break it up!
[Second Man]
Knock it off!
[Third Man]
Come on! Knock it off!
- Now cut it out! Stop it!
- [Explosions]
Would you mind
holding it down?
I came all the way to Korea
to see this picture.
- [Explosions Continue]
- They're shelling us! Stop the film!
- [People Groaning]
- We gotta take cover!
Just where are we
gonna hide, Frank?
We're stuck here
with our brass hanging out.
- Brasses.
- Right. Thank you. Come on. Sit down.
[Engine Running]
See this,
Henry?
See this,
Henry?
"First Annual Polly Adler
Birthday Cookout, Picnic and Barbecue.
All proceeds to go to Sister Teresa's
Korean Orphans'Fund. "
Forget it.
Henry. You did
everything you could.
Loosen up.
You'll have a ball.
That's just it.
Everybody unwinds, has a good time.
Then the war comes back,
and it's a real belly drop.
Look, we need this.
If we don't go crazy once in a while,
we'll all go crazy.
- ##[Drumming On Metal Cans]
- ##[Vocalizing]
##[Vocalizing Continues]
## [Vocalizing]
[Man In Falsetto Voice] I missed you
so much. Oh, I love you, Judy.
[Kissing Sounds]
I came back because
I missed you, Judy.
[Woman In Falsetto Voice]
Oh, I'm so glad you came back, Punch.
[Giggling, Laughing]
- [Kissing Sounds]
- [Punch] I love you. I miss you.
I love you, Judy.
I love you.
I miss you.
- Oh, I love you.
- [Kissing Sounds]
- I love you.
- Oh, that was just...
- [Kissing Sounds Continue]
- Ah.
Oh. This is lovely.
That's very nice. Lovely.
I'm not doin' too great
for the orphans, Father.
No? How much
so far?
Three nurses.
Three bucks.
I could make more, but you wouldn't
believe what they expect for a dollar.
Oh. Well,
do your best, my, uh, my son.
Thank you.
Uh...
You fill the spoon with water. You take
the water down and put it in the glass.
And then you run back with the spoon
and give the spoon to your partner.
Don't spill any water.
We don't want to make Korea messy.
- Ready?
- [All Shouting]
[Laughing]
[All Cheering,
Shouting]
[All Chattering]
[Hawkeye]
Come on, Sister!
With a field like that, Father,
you can't lose.
[Woman]
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, Sister!
[Laughing]
[Hawkeye]
Oh, Yeah! The winner!
- Congratulations. [Laughing]
- [All Cheering]
[Chattering]
I'm the bonus prize
for the winner.
I get the loser. My father told me
to stay away from fast women.
[Shouting,
Indistinct]
You've been avoiding me,
Margaret.
Actually, I've been
ignoring you, Frank.
I'll get around
to avoiding you later.
What is it, sugar?
Everyone else is having such fun.
I thought we could be
in the sack race together.
You can forget about us
being in the sack race for a while.
And anytime you want, you can pick up
your bathing cap and your chenille robe.
Margaret, what is it?
I'll give you
240 guesses.
Oh, I get it.
It's the money, isn't it?
You bet your clusters,
sweetie.
You wouldn't really
let money come between us?
I... There...
There is no us, Frank.
There's just me.
The only us that
you're a part of...
is Mrs. Multi-Chin
Sensible Shoes.
Now blow!
- [Whistle Blows]
- Go! Go! Go!
[People Shouting,
Cheering]
I'll get it,
Margaret.
The money...
the 240.
Really, Frank?
Honest, darling?
- Do you mean it?
- That's what I said.
- Oh, Frank!
- [Giggling]
Oh, you don't have to do that.
- One thing I would like though.
- Anything.
When I give you the money,
if you could sign an I.O.U.
Well, it's really a good idea
when you lend...
An I.O.U. And some mention
of the interest?
- The interest?
- Yeah. I thought five percent.
That's better than you'd get
at any bank.
[Growling]
Oh! Frank Burns!
- Frank!
- [Whimpering]
Oh! Oh!
[Cheering,
Whistling]
[Cheering]
[All Chattering]
[Whistle Blows]
First prize has been
graciously donated...
by Corporal Max Klinger.
[All Cheering, Applauding]
[All Cheering, Applauding]
He always wanted
a double-barreled slingshot.
Come on, Henry.
Loosen up a little and have some fun.
- Grab the rope.
- All right, I'll grab the rope.
- Oh!
- Hey, hey!
Wait a minute.
Who figured out this linuep?
It's by rank,
Henry.
Uh-huh, except for
the old Illini anchorman.
[Laughing]
It's good for your complexion.
Come on.
All right.
Let 'er rip!
- [Whistle Blows]
- [All Shouting]
Who turned out
the lights?
Hey!
- Get Henry!
- Come on in, Henry!
[All Laughing]
[Laughing Dies Down]
Choppers.
[Helicopters
Approaching]
[Radar]
Choppers!
Choppers!
[Operating Room Chatter]
[Man On P.A.] Attention.
For all personnel too busy in the O. R...
here is the latest
from the bulletin board.
Armed Forces Radio announces
that Clark Gable is divorcing...
Lady Sylvia Ashley.
And Sergeant Morrie Mandel announces
he is divorcing his Sylvia.
In Washington, Republican candidate
Dwight Eisenhower said...
if he's elected,
he'll go to Korea.
[Hawkeye]
That's what I call a sore winner.
H.Q. In Seoul announces
that the ammunition shortage
continues to be very severe.
[Trapper]
We got no shortages here.
Heavy fighting will go on
in our sector...
and we can expect casualties
for the next 72 hours.
- [Henry] Pierce?
- Yes, Henry?
Good idea,
that picnic.
Yes, Henry.
31, 35, 40...
45, 50, 55...
60, 65, 70...
7... 71.
- 71. Beat that.
- Aw, 71.
- Come on. Beat it.
- That's nothin'. You watch this.
- Ready? One.
- [Laughing]
What'd you do,
change balls on me?
What's the announcement,
Radar?
It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna
tell us everything he knows about sex.
That should be
an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Look at this.
No eyes.
[Ball Continues
Bouncing]
Good afternoon, men.
[Clears Throat]
Now, first of all,
let me thank all of you in advance...
for what I know will be
your full and undivided attention.
- [Imitating Snoring]
- [Laughing]
The topic for today
has to do with the subject of sex.
[All Cheering]
All right, all right.
Now let's not go gaga.
Sex happens to be one of
the most important things in life...
inasmuch as each one of us
is one or the other gender of it...
once we're born, which is
the direct result of the act of it.
- Sir?
- Uh, we'll have questions
after the lecture.
What about answers?
I was just wondering, should I roll down
the flaps so the nurses don't hear?
Radar, all the nurses
have heard about sex.
- I know I've been spreading the word.
- Shut your face!
- Kiss me.
- [Henry] Okay, now...
the aspect of today's subject
that I'm going to delve on...
is the U.S. Army's contribution
to birth control.
- I knew they were gonna
ask for contributions.
- I gave at the office.
Now each of us here
knows why, uh...
he is in Korea.
Major Burns.
We are here to stem the red tide, to
finish up the Commies once and for all.
Anyone with half a mind knows,
as I do, that, after Germany...
we should've knocked out the Russkies,
then clobbered the Chinese...
before they forced Chiang Kai-shek
and his very beautiful wife...
off the mainland.
To which I, for one, say
they should be unleashed...
so that they can liberate
the real Chinese people...
and restore the government
that America's paid...
so many millions
of dollars to help get.
Sir. I thought
the lecture was on sex.
I didn't iron my dress
to talk politics.
- Sit down, Klinger.
- Now listen, Corporal...
You, too, Frank.
We're in Korea by order of the U.N.,
along with 17 other nations...
to try to stabilize this country
politically and militarily.
We are not here
to add to the population.
The one thing they don't need
in Asia is more Asians.
Many of you have heard me speak
on reproduction and V.D.
I've got
both your albums.
But today's subject
is much more important.
Now, this country
is on its can.
There's not enough food,
housing, schools.
You name it...
they haven't got it.
So don't add
to its problems.
Now, uh, when
you're shipped home...
just make sure that you don't
leave any little time bombs...
that are gonna go off
nine months later.
[Chuckling]
Now, I know you're only human.
Present company
excepted.
We don't expect you
to behave like monks.
The army just wants you
to be careful...
so that you don't leave behind
any little "monklets."
[Laughing]
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
See the bulletin board for details
on the payroll savings plan.
Buy a bond
for 25, 50 or 100.
Bet America
to win, place or show.
Come on. Don't be slackers.
Join in. Sign up.
- I forgot my name.
- Amnesia.
Happens every time somebody
wants me to invest in a war.
Well, bullets
cost bucks, mister.
I'd like that tattooed
on my thigh.
You're both a blemish
on the record of this unit.
I'm gonna do something
to get rid of the blemishes tonight.
Uh, ach, du lieber.
You get the feeling
Frank's one war behind?
Did you see
this announcement?
[Mumbling, Indistinct]
- [Knocking]
- Frank? You alone?
Where are they?
Oh, they said something
about nurse molesting.
- I want to see you.
- I have a headache, Margaret.
No, no.
I have a favor
to ask of you.
Oh, anything, darling.
You know that.
My sister's
getting married.
My younger sister
is getting married.
And she's
only a captain.
Oh, marriage isn't all
that it's cracked up to be.
Let me tell you,
honestly.
No. Marriage is probably
the chief cause of divorce.
I want to borrow $240
for a wedding present.
It's key money
for an apartment.
- Two hundred and...
- And $40.
Surely
I'm worth $240.
- Frank?
- Every penny.
But I wish I could.
I really do, but...
But all your money's
tied up in wealth, right?
Oh, those
are just bonds.
You've bought enough
to start your own country.
- Shh!
- I just wanna borrow $240.
But don't you have
the money, Margaret?
Dear? Didn't your dad
leave you a bit?
Mother drank it.
Half my salary
goes toward drying her out...
and the other half
for bail.
Bail?
When she's sober...
she's a klepto.
She was caught in a store
last week...
stuffing a radio
up her jumper.
- Frank?
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
I just can't do it.
It rubs against the grain.
"Neither a lender nor a borrower be."
Polonius.
"To give and not count the cost."
St. Ignatius Loyola.
"The holy passion of friendship
is of so sweet...
"and steady and loyal
and enduring a nature...
"that it will last throughout
a whole lifetime...
if not asked to lend money."
Mark Twain.
"Blow it out your ear!"
Margaret Houlihan.
[Man On P.A.] The morale officer
would like to remind all personnel...
not to be "negilgent"...
[Chuckles] uh, negligent...
about writing
to the folks back home.
Remember, you gotta
write 'em to get 'em.
- ## [Phonograph, Sentimental]
- [Thinking] Dear Becky...
I hope you had
a nice birthday party.
I'd have given anything
to be there.
In your last letter, you said I never
really tell you what I'm doing.
Well, now that
you're all of seven...
I'll try to describe
what it's like over here.
- [Blows]
- First of all, I live in a tent...
which is kind of old and smelly,
which I share with two doctors...
who are young and smelly.
One is Hawkeye Pierce.
He's a good egg...
but just a little grumpy
when it comes to waking up.
Come on. Everybody up.
Rise and shine!
- Hawk?
- I'm up!
Get up on your feet up.
[Sighs]
Korea? The war still?
Right.
What's to get up?
I left a call for half past peace.
Night shift. Come on.
Let's go. Up.
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute!
Why are we wasting this
on each other for?
[Trapper Thinking]
Major Burns is Daddy's other tent mate...
sort of like a substitute teacher
that stays all year.
Like us, he's here to patch up
the soldiers as best we can.
They don't ever seem
to stop coming.
It's very routine work, except
once in a while like last December.
[Henry]
Put him to sleep.
- Colonel.
- Yo.
His feet, sir.
- Oh, God! More frost?
- Three toes, at least.
When the hell is the army
gonna develop a boot that works?
I'm almost finished.
You want to turn down that gas...
before this private
floats to the top of the room?
- [Gas Flow Stops]
- Okay, sir. Thanks for the break.
- I'll take over.
- Pressure and pulse are stable.
Why don't you check
the other tables?
- Maybe somebody left a tip.
- Aw, baloney!
- Major Burns!
- What is it?
Chopper plucked him off a mine field.
He was there all night.
- Get this body outta here, P.D.Q.
- He dead, sir?
Of course.
Froze to death.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Hold it.
What do you got?
Deceased, Mclntyre.
I checked it.
Are you "deef'?
I said "deceased."
Kaput. No pulse,
no heartbeat.
- Okay. Take him back. Let's go.
- Ooh!
We might be able
to save this guy.
Uh, get me
a cut-down tray...
and four units
of O-negative blood.
- You get a pulse?
- Not in the arm.
- Like I said.
- Cut the shirt. Let's go.
Frank, his extremities are frozen.
You didn't check the carotid.
You ever hear
of hypothermia?
He only knows what's condensed
in Reader's Digest. You get anything?
A faint beat.
Where's the, uh... Oh, great.
Frank, hypothermia is a state
of reduced body temperature...
slowing down
all functions.
- I knew that.
- Get me some blankets and a prep tray.
- Frank, you prep.
- Right.
This guy thaws out,
he's liable to start bleeding.
What happened, Radar?
He was in a mine field
all night long.
He's a lucky fella.
If this had been summer,
he would've bled to death.
[Thinking]
That's it for now, baby.
I'd like to be able to tell you
when I'm coming home...
- [Record Sticking]
- But, for a while now,
all I can do is stay here...
and make the best of it.
- [Music Stops]
- [Phonograph Grinds On]
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie
is a holdover from last week...
and will be shown
right after supper...
which is also a holdover
from last week.
- [Tapping]
- # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
- [Audience Chattering]
- [Klinger] Down in front.
- [Singing, Tapping Continue]
- Sit down, Rob.
I'm glad we finally
got a new film.
Sure beats Twelve Ways
to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker.
You wanna remove
your hat, lady?
How would you like me
to remove your teeth?
- [People Chattering]
- Sit down,
or I'll make you eat your bra.
- I only dress like this
to get outta the army.
- [People Shushing]
You're too pretty.
They'll never let you go.
I'd like some popcorn,
please.
- ##[Continues]
- [Tap Dancing Continues]
- Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
- Just get by.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
- [Tap Dancing]
- [Robinson] Hey.
[Temple]
Hey!
- [Robinson] Hey! Hey!
- [Temple] Hey!
##[Continues]
Have I missed much?
- The Civil War started.
- Don't tell him how it ends.
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya ##
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya #
# Nya nya nya nya
nya nya nya ##
I've got a bleeder
in post-op...
an 18-year-old kid.
- [Man In Movie]
All right. It'll be $9.60.
- Hi.
[Second Man]
Thank you.
- Watch your hands. Both of them.
- What?
- What the hell!
- Keep your hands to yourself.
Huh?
I swear, Henry,
these fingers never left my hands.
Well, don't look at me.
I only fool around with girls.
Will you sirs kindly mind?
It's Shirley Temple.
She's not really
a kid, Radar.
Her mother stunted her growth...
made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.
- She's 42 years old.
- Aw! Please.
- Heh!
- Heh!
[Movie:
People Chattering]
[Chattering,
Shushing]
Doctor? That patient
is hemorrhaging again.
Oh, Lord.
All right, let's go.
[Klinger]
Excuse me. Pardon me, sir.
- I'm sorry. Pardon me.
- [Man] Not you again?
- [People Chattering]
- Klinger, sit down!
- Move it.
- This seat is taken.
Oh, no, it isn't.
It's empty.
Can you
believe that guy?
[People Shouting,
Indistinct]
Hey! Break it up
back there!
[All Shouting]
[All Cheering,
Applauding]
You can't fight
in here.
[Margaret]
Can't somebody stop that?
[All Shouting]
[Man]
Hey, stop it! Break it up!
[Second Man]
Knock it off!
[Third Man]
Come on! Knock it off!
- Now cut it out! Stop it!
- [Explosions]
Would you mind
holding it down?
I came all the way to Korea
to see this picture.
- [Explosions Continue]
- They're shelling us! Stop the film!
- [People Groaning]
- We gotta take cover!
Just where are we
gonna hide, Frank?
We're stuck here
with our brass hanging out.
- Brasses.
- Right. Thank you. Come on. Sit down.
[Engine Running]
See this,
Henry?
See this,
Henry?
"First Annual Polly Adler
Birthday Cookout, Picnic and Barbecue.
All proceeds to go to Sister Teresa's
Korean Orphans'Fund. "
Forget it.
Henry. You did
everything you could.
Loosen up.
You'll have a ball.
That's just it.
Everybody unwinds, has a good time.
Then the war comes back,
and it's a real belly drop.
Look, we need this.
If we don't go crazy once in a while,
we'll all go crazy.
- ##[Drumming On Metal Cans]
- ##[Vocalizing]
##[Vocalizing Continues]
## [Vocalizing]
[Man In Falsetto Voice] I missed you
so much. Oh, I love you, Judy.
[Kissing Sounds]
I came back because
I missed you, Judy.
[Woman In Falsetto Voice]
Oh, I'm so glad you came back, Punch.
[Giggling, Laughing]
- [Kissing Sounds]
- [Punch] I love you. I miss you.
I love you, Judy.
I love you.
I miss you.
- Oh, I love you.
- [Kissing Sounds]
- I love you.
- Oh, that was just...
- [Kissing Sounds Continue]
- Ah.
Oh. This is lovely.
That's very nice. Lovely.
I'm not doin' too great
for the orphans, Father.
No? How much
so far?
Three nurses.
Three bucks.
I could make more, but you wouldn't
believe what they expect for a dollar.
Oh. Well,
do your best, my, uh, my son.
Thank you.
Uh...
You fill the spoon with water. You take
the water down and put it in the glass.
And then you run back with the spoon
and give the spoon to your partner.
Don't spill any water.
We don't want to make Korea messy.
- Ready?
- [All Shouting]
[Laughing]
[All Cheering,
Shouting]
[All Chattering]
[Hawkeye]
Come on, Sister!
With a field like that, Father,
you can't lose.
[Woman]
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, Sister!
[Laughing]
[Hawkeye]
Oh, Yeah! The winner!
- Congratulations. [Laughing]
- [All Cheering]
[Chattering]
I'm the bonus prize
for the winner.
I get the loser. My father told me
to stay away from fast women.
[Shouting,
Indistinct]
You've been avoiding me,
Margaret.
Actually, I've been
ignoring you, Frank.
I'll get around
to avoiding you later.
What is it, sugar?
Everyone else is having such fun.
I thought we could be
in the sack race together.
You can forget about us
being in the sack race for a while.
And anytime you want, you can pick up
your bathing cap and your chenille robe.
Margaret, what is it?
I'll give you
240 guesses.
Oh, I get it.
It's the money, isn't it?
You bet your clusters,
sweetie.
You wouldn't really
let money come between us?
I... There...
There is no us, Frank.
There's just me.
The only us that
you're a part of...
is Mrs. Multi-Chin
Sensible Shoes.
Now blow!
- [Whistle Blows]
- Go! Go! Go!
[People Shouting,
Cheering]
I'll get it,
Margaret.
The money...
the 240.
Really, Frank?
Honest, darling?
- Do you mean it?
- That's what I said.
- Oh, Frank!
- [Giggling]
Oh, you don't have to do that.
- One thing I would like though.
- Anything.
When I give you the money,
if you could sign an I.O.U.
Well, it's really a good idea
when you lend...
An I.O.U. And some mention
of the interest?
- The interest?
- Yeah. I thought five percent.
That's better than you'd get
at any bank.
[Growling]
Oh! Frank Burns!
- Frank!
- [Whimpering]
Oh! Oh!
[Cheering,
Whistling]
[Cheering]
[All Chattering]
[Whistle Blows]
First prize has been
graciously donated...
by Corporal Max Klinger.
[All Cheering, Applauding]
[All Cheering, Applauding]
He always wanted
a double-barreled slingshot.
Come on, Henry.
Loosen up a little and have some fun.
- Grab the rope.
- All right, I'll grab the rope.
- Oh!
- Hey, hey!
Wait a minute.
Who figured out this linuep?
It's by rank,
Henry.
Uh-huh, except for
the old Illini anchorman.
[Laughing]
It's good for your complexion.
Come on.
All right.
Let 'er rip!
- [Whistle Blows]
- [All Shouting]
Who turned out
the lights?
Hey!
- Get Henry!
- Come on in, Henry!
[All Laughing]
[Laughing Dies Down]
Choppers.
[Helicopters
Approaching]
[Radar]
Choppers!
Choppers!
[Operating Room Chatter]
[Man On P.A.] Attention.
For all personnel too busy in the O. R...
here is the latest
from the bulletin board.
Armed Forces Radio announces
that Clark Gable is divorcing...
Lady Sylvia Ashley.
And Sergeant Morrie Mandel announces
he is divorcing his Sylvia.
In Washington, Republican candidate
Dwight Eisenhower said...
if he's elected,
he'll go to Korea.
[Hawkeye]
That's what I call a sore winner.
H.Q. In Seoul announces
that the ammunition shortage
continues to be very severe.
[Trapper]
We got no shortages here.
Heavy fighting will go on
in our sector...
and we can expect casualties
for the next 72 hours.
- [Henry] Pierce?
- Yes, Henry?
Good idea,
that picnic.
Yes, Henry.