M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 10 - There Is Nothing Like a Nurse - full transcript
Henry is drinking bi-carb as he listens to the griping of Hermann Goering in drag, (Hotlips) going on and on about putting a poor little nurse on bed arrest. Radar tells Henry an enemy attack is imminent; Henry regards it as the best news of the day. The nurses are taking the patients to the 44th Field Hospital and the men will be left to fend for themselves and try to fight off the enemy paratroopers. The guys gain new, genuine appreciation for the nurses; they miss them, especially when they have to do their jobs. The 4077 nurses made it all look so easy--the guys find out how hard their jobs really are. Will the nurses return from the cushy 44th Evac? Will they miss the guys at 4077...even half as much as the guys miss them?
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[Chattering]
Give me some 3-O chromic,
Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Doctor.
- [Hawkeye Speaking Korean]
[Mr. Kwang]
You're welcome, sir.
- I didn't ask for a Kelly clamp, Nurse!
- But you did, sir.
- Don't argue with the surgeon.
- [Hawkeye] Everyone's a surgeon.
I wouldn't let him cut
the giblets out of a turkey.
He'd probably give it
cranberry complications.
- Now the Kelly.
- [Sarcastically] Yes, Doctor.
Major, may I have a nurse to work with
who isn't quite so smug?
- I'll take over here,
Baker. You're tired.
- I'm perfectly fine.
- I said you're tired. That's an order.
- [Hawkeye] Get off her back.
- She's my nurse.
- I'll give you $500 for her.
- Sold!
- You report to my quarters.
Major Burns will show you
how to get there.
Sir?
Major Houlihan requests permission
to see the colonel.
Well, tell her I died of a hangover
and didn't leave a forwarding address.
- Yes, sir.
- Colonel, I want a few words with you.
I just hope I can hear you
over the tom-toms.
- I think you'll be able
to hear me all right.
- Here's some black coffee, sir.
- God bless you, Radar.
- Hope so, sir.
- Colonel.
- Radar, turn on the news.
Maybe the war just ended,
and I won't have to talk to her.
Yes, sir. I'll get you
that station right away.
Colonel Blake, I wish
to charge LieutenantJanet Baker
with insubordination...
and I insist on your assurance
that she will be given prompt
and vigorous punishment.
Major, there's a French unit
right down the road.
Why don't you run down there...
and see if you can borrow
their guillotine?
- Ha!
- Don't do that.
- I want her placed under bed arrest.
- Bed what?
When she's not on duty
and other than at meal times...
she is to sit on the edge of her bed
at attention for one month.
Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't
keep a nurse in bed for a month.
Although there are a few people
who have tried it.
Well, you're certainly
proving your lack of usual help.
Boy, Major, you and your nurses
can be pains in the royal butt.
If you're not in here every five minutes
with a lot of bugle oil...
about how you can't control them,
they're here complaining
you're Hermann Goering in drag.
Which one of them said that?
I'm not finking, Major.
I'm not gonna have you chain
some poor little nurse to her cot...
or set her adrift in a bedpan.
Then you don't mind
if I go over your head... again?
Just so long as it's on tiptoe.
I think H.Q. Would be very interested
to learn that this unit is commanded...
by an inept incompetent who runs down
his chief nurse every chance he gets!
Speaking man-to-man, Colonel,
I realize the war unhinges us all.
If we were to take off our uniforms,
we could possibly become friends.
That fact aside, your conduct
is so beneath contempt that I
won't lower myself to elevate it.
- Good day, sir!
- Uh-huh.
- Sir!
H.Q. Just called. They said we
could be expecting an enemy attack.
Radar, that's the nicest thing
I've heard today.
- #When I die #
- [Trapper And Hawkeye] #When I die #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And it won't be long #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad #
- #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an
afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad ##
Hey, Calvin, Trap.
- Hey, where are the nurses going, Radar?
- 44th Field Hospital...
with all the wounded
that can be moved.
It looks like we maybe might get hit
by an enemy paratroop drop.
- Got any other good news?
- Christmas canceled?
Pentagon been enlarged?
- Lassie been spayed?
- What do you want from me?
I'm just as unhappy as you.
- Believe me, we're unhappier.
- Because we're taller.
Together, we're at least
two feet unhappier than you are.
- You hear the news?
- If you were a nurse,
we'd be shipping you to the 44th.
If I was a nurse,
I'd be home now, pregnant.
Detail forward! March! Hup, two,
three, four. Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Detail halt! One, two!
I want foxholes... there, there,
there and there... each smartly dug...
the kind of hole a man can throw
himself into with pride.
Detail dig!
Two, three, four!
- Hello, Frank.
- I've heard that before.
Turning the compound
into a putting course, Frank?
Instead of standing around
cracking wise, you might want
to set an example for the men.
- I'd rather set
an example for the women.
- Oh, put a sock on it.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all nurses.
Please be prepared to leave in one hour.
One hour till the nurses go.
[Three Knocks]
- [One Knock]
- Come in.
- Just one second, bunny.
- Sure.
- What do you want?
- Major Burns says he'll be
detained a little late.
He's having himself lowered
into the ground to show
the right height for how low...
a foxhole should be dug down
so you can stand up into it.
- Thank you.
- Can I help you with anything, Major?
- Packing?
- No. Thank you.
But that's very kind of you, Corporal.
- Did I ever tell you how much
you look like my sister?
- No.
- Except you're a lot older.
- That would be your younger sister?
- No. She's 37.
- Don't slam the door.
Am I leaving?
[Sighs]
[Moaning]
- I'm going to miss you something awful.
- [Moans]
- Oh.
- Did you know you
had this thing back here?
- What thing?
- My tongue.
Oh. Oh.
[Continues Moaning]
- Why are all the great guys married?
- Who said I was?
- You did.
- [Yelps] That's my best nose.
Stuff your nose.
Do you mind? I paid good money
for this supply room.
- [Three Knocks]
- Come in, Frank.
- You didn't use our secret knock.
- Frank, the whole camp
knows our secret knock.
The degenerates! Completely preoccupied
with pleasures of the flesh.
Oh, Margaret! To think I won't
have this neck to nuzzle...
these lobes to nibble.
- It's gonna be sheer hell.
- Oh, how those dirty words inflame me!
[Gasps]
I'll call you from the 44th,
first chance.
To become...
just a disembodied voice.
When we've spent all this time
being so embodied.
- For you, darling.
- Oh.
Frank, is that what I think it is?
Hair. Mine.
There's six months'
haircuts in there.
- For me?
- I was saving them for my mother.
She glues my hair into the shape
of flowers, puts them under glass.
Frank, I think your mother
should have this. Please.
I'm a big boy, Margaret.
I'm over 21.
I can give my hair to anyone I please.
Please. Keep it.
If anything should happen...
if we never see each other again...
at least you can always run
your fingers through the envelope.
Oh. Ohh.
Ready to roll, Colonel.
- See you in a few days.
- Hopefully.
Major.
Captain.
- Captain.
- Major.
Pierce!
Colonel!
- Cut it out, Pierce.
- I'd like to leave a call for 8:30.
That has to be an affront to
every decent army officer back
to George Washington.
Major.
- Did you know that Washington's
false teeth were made out of wood?
- Really?
- Martha's lips were
always full of slivers.
- [Truck Door Shuts]
- Let's get this show on the road.
- [Engine Starts]
Hold it!
[Gasping, Groaning]
- [Henry] Klinger, that's desertion.
- No, sir. Honest.
I just fell asleep
in here, I swear.
All right.
Take it away.
- [Chattering]
- [Hawkeye]
I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak...
a very dry martini.
A very dry, arid,
barren, desiccated...
veritable dust bowl
of a martini.
I want a martini that can be
declared a disaster area.
- Mix me just such a martini.
- With two straws.
Make it to go, please.
I'd like to drink it in the States.
- Boy, do I miss my wife.
- So do I.
- I don't even know your wife,
and I miss her.
- I'll miss my wife.
- You miss my mother.
- Fence builder.
- What's he up to?
- You mean, what's he
upside down to, Frank?
He says he's gonna stay that way
until the nurses come back.
- Off your head
and on your feet, Spalding!
- Yes, sir.
We happen to be under
blackout conditions, gentlemen.
- We're still at war, you know.
- I guess that explains
all the boom-booms.
That sassy jabber is wasted on me,
Captain Wiseapple.
I'm miserable enough, Frank.
Don't start with me...
or I'll give you a nose job
from the inside.
You'd better get out of here, Frank.
He doesn't care anymore.
He's wanted in five states now.
Oh, you phony baloneys!
[Wolf Whistles]
Forget it.
When the nurses come back,
I'll be tossed aside like an old shoe.
- Here's your guitar, Captain.
- Thanks, Klinger.
- Give me a beer, Mr. Kwak.
- If they come back.
- Boy, I miss your mother.
- Would you like to see
her picture again?
I've seen every picture
of every female that's in this camp.
There's that reel
under Frank's bunk we've never seen.
That's probably just a movie of Frank's
parents being told he died at birth.
They'll be back.
- ## [Strumming Melody]
- Dry, Mr. Kwak.
Dry, drier, driest. Unwet.
The ultimate, the perfect martini...
a drink that's dying of thirst.
#And I wonder
if they miss us #
# Now, wouldn't that
be funny #
# Now that we're
without them #
#We can hardly
stand ourselves #
# Well, it's funny
when they're here #
#How we take for granted #
# The way they taste
The way they feel #
# Their sight, their smell
their sound #
#And it's funny
when they're gone #
#Just how bad
we miss them #
#And how life
can be so empty #
#When they're not around #
#And I wonder
if they miss us #
#Now, wouldn't that
be funny #
#Now that we're
without them #
#We can hardly
stand ourselves ##
Oh. Yeah, okay.
I got it. Right.
- Well, what's the poop?
- Huh?
Oh, uh, the nurses
all arrived safely at the 44th.
We're still expecting
an enemy parachute drop...
but we can't evacuate due to
the constant inflow of wounded.
Let the enemy come.
We'll show them American guts in action.
I think mine have
started already, sir.
- Choppers.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
[Telephone Ringing]
M.A.S.H., 4077 th.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention. Attention, all personnel.
Incoming... Incoming wounded
arriving by vehicle plus choppers...
on both upper and lower pads.
All available personnel will report
to the O.R. To help with nursing chores.
We need lots of hands.
- [Hawkeye Talking, Indistinct]
- [Metal Clanking]
- [Henry Scolds, Indistinct]
- Just look this way, Father,
where the blood is.
- Rake retractor, Father.
- Uh, rake... Uh.
- Rake. It's at the end
of the tray there.
- Oh. Sorry.
That's all right.
You're all heart. Unfortunately,
you're all thumbs as well.
- Suction.
- Suction?
It's the thing that goes...
[Imitates Sucking]
- My kingdom for a nurse.
- I'm doing my best.
If you don't start handing me
instruments the right way,
I'm gonna cut you off at the knees.
I thought he was cut off
at the knees.
- Klinger, you're standing in my light.
- Whatever I do is no good.
If Hot Lips were here right now,
I'd kiss her feet.
And bump into Frank
coming around the toe?
Okay, Klinger, give me the clamp,
give me the clamp.
- Thataboy.
- Three-O silk on
a cutting needle, Mr. Kwang.
Let's keep those sponges coming, Father.
"Nurse" is also a verb.
Margaret! Oh, Margaret,
I'm so glad I could get through to you.
I...
Just a minute, darling.
- How are you, precious?
- Fine now, darling.
- How are you?
- Oh, I'm just a wreck
without you. Honest.
The only thing that keeps me going
are the letters from my wife.
Really, Frank?
Just letters? No packages?
She hasn't knitted you a divorce?
Sorry, Margaret.
How do you like the 44th?
Any handsome doctors up there?
Are you still expecting an attack?
That's what we hear.
We're ready for it.
I've got the whole place organized.
Of course, Pierce and Mclntyre
have been no help.
- Last night, they filled
my foxhole with peas and carrots.
- Oh, dear.
And then they put a whoopee cushion
in my helmet liner.
You're bigger than they are, Frank.
We both know that.
Margaret, are there... there?
Are there what here?
Margaret, falling for me,
I realized how easily you can
be taken in by a handsome face.
- You're not jealous?
- I'm a doctor, Margaret.
But if I caught you with
another man, I'd blow my brains out
and then kill both of you.
- Did you hear what you said?
You got it all backwards.
- [Laughing Manically]
I mean, I'd kill both of you
and then I'd kill myself.
Seriously, Frank.
Knowing you'd kill me
somehow makes my life worthwhile.
Well, I wouldn't kill
just anyone, Margaret.
I've gotta go now, darling.
I love you.
I love you.
- Hang up, Frank.
- You hang up first.
Frank, that's so high school.
Let's count to three,
and then we'll hang up together.
- Okay, you start.
- One.
- Two.
- Three!
Get 'em, Frank!
Pierce! Mclntyre!
Stop! Wait! Hold it!
[Screams]
- Stop!
- [Trapper Laughs]
[Frank Yelling]
Help! Help! Oh!
[Frank] Now, cut that out.
Help! Stop that jeep!
Let me out of here!
[Yelping] Let me out!
- Why, that's amazing, Frank.
- Camouflaging yourself as a jeep.
You get the film.
I'll get the projector and popcorn.
[Frank] You can't park a jeep
over a superior officer!
Let me out!
If this belongs to Frank, you can
be sure it's not a girlie movie.
- You never can tell, Henry.
- We just heard Frank make
a semi-obscene phone call.
- Right. No further word
about the enemy attack, sir.
- Good, good.
[Hawkeye] There will be no enemy
attack. My personal theory is that...
the Chinese just sent headquarters
a threatening fortune cookie.
Get the window, Klinger.
- [Trapper] Don't stand in the light.
- [Hawkeye] You heartbreaker.
- Everyone comfortable?
- Not for a year now.
- Let her rip, Henry.
- You got it.
[Projector Whirring]
- I think I saw this movie.
- Oh, pipe down.
- Radar, get your hand off my knee.
- That's not funny!
Come on.
Get out of the way.
- "I've invited you all here today
because I'm ready to name the murderer."
- [Laughs]
- Hey, that's his wedding pictures.
- Must be. I don't see a casket.
I hate that hat.
- [Trapper] Our hero!
- [Hawkeye] The plot thins!
- [Henry]
Beautiful. Found his buttonhole.
- [All Murmuring]
- [Trapper]
Would you look at that smile?
- [Hawkeye] That can be cured.
- Invited a lot of empty chairs.
- [Radar] We got chairs
like that back home.
- [Henry] Mm.
- [Both] Aww.
- ##[Whistling "Here Comes The Bride"]
- [Henry] Thar she blows!
- I love her gown.
- [Trapper]
You have got a better figure.
- I love her gown.
- [Trapper]
You have got a better figure.
- [Hawkeye]
This is the happiest day of her life.
- [Trapper Laughs]
[Hawkeye]
There they are. Franklin D. Whitebread
marries Miss Cynthia Soon-To-Be-Frigid.
- Don't do it, Frank!
- [Trapper] You'll be sorry.
- [Hawkeye] Say no, Frank!
- [Radar] Those flowers are pretty.
- [Trapper]
Her hands are full of water.
- [Hawkeye Laughs]
[Henry]
Oh, brother.
[Trapper]
There's two locked up.
Got 'im!
- Oh, look!
- Even then, he didn't know
how to hold a knife.
- Watch the cake die of malpractice.
- Why do I feel sorry for Frank?
[Hawkeye Laughs Hysterically]
Hey, what's that
sticking to him?
[Hawkeye]
That's the bride. Oh, good. Lovely.
[Trapper]
Smarts a little, huh, Frank?
- Good shot, honey.
- [Klinger] Hit him right in the mush.
- Lookit. She can hardly wait.
- [Radar] Is that their daughter?
- That looks like you, Radar.
- Nah. The little girl's taller.
- [Radar] Who asked you?
- Traveling light.
- [Radar] Anybody hear a siren?
- Suppose she'll take off her glasses?
Look. Lookit. Lookit.
- Don't blow this, Frank!
- "Oh, just shut up
and get in the car, Frank."
- "I wanna drive."
- "Never mind that. Just get in the car."
[Henry]
"Oh, hell."
- "Sit down and shut up."
- [Radar]
I could've sworn I heard a siren.
- Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- Good-bye!
[Imitating Stuttering]
Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks.
[Imitating Stuttering]
Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks.
- [Sirens Blaring]
- Air raid! Plane spotted!
You picked a fine time
to watch a dirty movie.
This was the worst of all, Frank.
[Engines Decelerating]
Hey, the plane's
dropping something.
Holy cow!
It's Five O'Clock Charlie!
That idiot?
That's the raid?
- He couldn't hit the side of a war.
- Burns.
[Airplane Engine Accelerating,
Decelerating Alternately]
- "Give up, Yankee imperialist dog."
- An I.O.U. For an attack.
"Harry Truman is sleeping
with your wife"?
- You know what this means, huh?
- What? Ohh.
- Radar, call...
- The 44th's busy, sir, but I'll have
the nurses here by breakfast.
[Henry]
Let's have a drink.
- [Nurses Whooping]
- [Truck Horn Honking]
- ##[Korean Song On P.A.]
- [Whooping, Cheering Continue]
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- Hey, Trapper! Trapper! Look at this!
- Huh?
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- This way, ladies.
- Welcome home.
- #When I die #
- [Trapper And Hawkeye]
# Oh, when I die #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And you're gonna be sorry #
- #And you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Oh, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad #
- #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an
afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad #
- # Ha, ha, ha, ha #
- # Ha, ha, ha, ha #
- # Ho, ho, ho, ho #
- # Ho, ho, ho, ho #
- #Talk it, talk it, talk it #
- #Talk it, talk it, talk it #
- # Shake it, shake it, shake it #
- # Shake it, shake it, shake it #
## [Continues, Indistinct,
Fades Out]
[Chattering]
Give me some 3-O chromic,
Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Doctor.
- [Hawkeye Speaking Korean]
[Mr. Kwang]
You're welcome, sir.
- I didn't ask for a Kelly clamp, Nurse!
- But you did, sir.
- Don't argue with the surgeon.
- [Hawkeye] Everyone's a surgeon.
I wouldn't let him cut
the giblets out of a turkey.
He'd probably give it
cranberry complications.
- Now the Kelly.
- [Sarcastically] Yes, Doctor.
Major, may I have a nurse to work with
who isn't quite so smug?
- I'll take over here,
Baker. You're tired.
- I'm perfectly fine.
- I said you're tired. That's an order.
- [Hawkeye] Get off her back.
- She's my nurse.
- I'll give you $500 for her.
- Sold!
- You report to my quarters.
Major Burns will show you
how to get there.
Sir?
Major Houlihan requests permission
to see the colonel.
Well, tell her I died of a hangover
and didn't leave a forwarding address.
- Yes, sir.
- Colonel, I want a few words with you.
I just hope I can hear you
over the tom-toms.
- I think you'll be able
to hear me all right.
- Here's some black coffee, sir.
- God bless you, Radar.
- Hope so, sir.
- Colonel.
- Radar, turn on the news.
Maybe the war just ended,
and I won't have to talk to her.
Yes, sir. I'll get you
that station right away.
Colonel Blake, I wish
to charge LieutenantJanet Baker
with insubordination...
and I insist on your assurance
that she will be given prompt
and vigorous punishment.
Major, there's a French unit
right down the road.
Why don't you run down there...
and see if you can borrow
their guillotine?
- Ha!
- Don't do that.
- I want her placed under bed arrest.
- Bed what?
When she's not on duty
and other than at meal times...
she is to sit on the edge of her bed
at attention for one month.
Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't
keep a nurse in bed for a month.
Although there are a few people
who have tried it.
Well, you're certainly
proving your lack of usual help.
Boy, Major, you and your nurses
can be pains in the royal butt.
If you're not in here every five minutes
with a lot of bugle oil...
about how you can't control them,
they're here complaining
you're Hermann Goering in drag.
Which one of them said that?
I'm not finking, Major.
I'm not gonna have you chain
some poor little nurse to her cot...
or set her adrift in a bedpan.
Then you don't mind
if I go over your head... again?
Just so long as it's on tiptoe.
I think H.Q. Would be very interested
to learn that this unit is commanded...
by an inept incompetent who runs down
his chief nurse every chance he gets!
Speaking man-to-man, Colonel,
I realize the war unhinges us all.
If we were to take off our uniforms,
we could possibly become friends.
That fact aside, your conduct
is so beneath contempt that I
won't lower myself to elevate it.
- Good day, sir!
- Uh-huh.
- Sir!
H.Q. Just called. They said we
could be expecting an enemy attack.
Radar, that's the nicest thing
I've heard today.
- #When I die #
- [Trapper And Hawkeye] #When I die #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And it won't be long #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad #
- #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an
afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad ##
Hey, Calvin, Trap.
- Hey, where are the nurses going, Radar?
- 44th Field Hospital...
with all the wounded
that can be moved.
It looks like we maybe might get hit
by an enemy paratroop drop.
- Got any other good news?
- Christmas canceled?
Pentagon been enlarged?
- Lassie been spayed?
- What do you want from me?
I'm just as unhappy as you.
- Believe me, we're unhappier.
- Because we're taller.
Together, we're at least
two feet unhappier than you are.
- You hear the news?
- If you were a nurse,
we'd be shipping you to the 44th.
If I was a nurse,
I'd be home now, pregnant.
Detail forward! March! Hup, two,
three, four. Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Detail halt! One, two!
I want foxholes... there, there,
there and there... each smartly dug...
the kind of hole a man can throw
himself into with pride.
Detail dig!
Two, three, four!
- Hello, Frank.
- I've heard that before.
Turning the compound
into a putting course, Frank?
Instead of standing around
cracking wise, you might want
to set an example for the men.
- I'd rather set
an example for the women.
- Oh, put a sock on it.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all nurses.
Please be prepared to leave in one hour.
One hour till the nurses go.
[Three Knocks]
- [One Knock]
- Come in.
- Just one second, bunny.
- Sure.
- What do you want?
- Major Burns says he'll be
detained a little late.
He's having himself lowered
into the ground to show
the right height for how low...
a foxhole should be dug down
so you can stand up into it.
- Thank you.
- Can I help you with anything, Major?
- Packing?
- No. Thank you.
But that's very kind of you, Corporal.
- Did I ever tell you how much
you look like my sister?
- No.
- Except you're a lot older.
- That would be your younger sister?
- No. She's 37.
- Don't slam the door.
Am I leaving?
[Sighs]
[Moaning]
- I'm going to miss you something awful.
- [Moans]
- Oh.
- Did you know you
had this thing back here?
- What thing?
- My tongue.
Oh. Oh.
[Continues Moaning]
- Why are all the great guys married?
- Who said I was?
- You did.
- [Yelps] That's my best nose.
Stuff your nose.
Do you mind? I paid good money
for this supply room.
- [Three Knocks]
- Come in, Frank.
- You didn't use our secret knock.
- Frank, the whole camp
knows our secret knock.
The degenerates! Completely preoccupied
with pleasures of the flesh.
Oh, Margaret! To think I won't
have this neck to nuzzle...
these lobes to nibble.
- It's gonna be sheer hell.
- Oh, how those dirty words inflame me!
[Gasps]
I'll call you from the 44th,
first chance.
To become...
just a disembodied voice.
When we've spent all this time
being so embodied.
- For you, darling.
- Oh.
Frank, is that what I think it is?
Hair. Mine.
There's six months'
haircuts in there.
- For me?
- I was saving them for my mother.
She glues my hair into the shape
of flowers, puts them under glass.
Frank, I think your mother
should have this. Please.
I'm a big boy, Margaret.
I'm over 21.
I can give my hair to anyone I please.
Please. Keep it.
If anything should happen...
if we never see each other again...
at least you can always run
your fingers through the envelope.
Oh. Ohh.
Ready to roll, Colonel.
- See you in a few days.
- Hopefully.
Major.
Captain.
- Captain.
- Major.
Pierce!
Colonel!
- Cut it out, Pierce.
- I'd like to leave a call for 8:30.
That has to be an affront to
every decent army officer back
to George Washington.
Major.
- Did you know that Washington's
false teeth were made out of wood?
- Really?
- Martha's lips were
always full of slivers.
- [Truck Door Shuts]
- Let's get this show on the road.
- [Engine Starts]
Hold it!
[Gasping, Groaning]
- [Henry] Klinger, that's desertion.
- No, sir. Honest.
I just fell asleep
in here, I swear.
All right.
Take it away.
- [Chattering]
- [Hawkeye]
I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak...
a very dry martini.
A very dry, arid,
barren, desiccated...
veritable dust bowl
of a martini.
I want a martini that can be
declared a disaster area.
- Mix me just such a martini.
- With two straws.
Make it to go, please.
I'd like to drink it in the States.
- Boy, do I miss my wife.
- So do I.
- I don't even know your wife,
and I miss her.
- I'll miss my wife.
- You miss my mother.
- Fence builder.
- What's he up to?
- You mean, what's he
upside down to, Frank?
He says he's gonna stay that way
until the nurses come back.
- Off your head
and on your feet, Spalding!
- Yes, sir.
We happen to be under
blackout conditions, gentlemen.
- We're still at war, you know.
- I guess that explains
all the boom-booms.
That sassy jabber is wasted on me,
Captain Wiseapple.
I'm miserable enough, Frank.
Don't start with me...
or I'll give you a nose job
from the inside.
You'd better get out of here, Frank.
He doesn't care anymore.
He's wanted in five states now.
Oh, you phony baloneys!
[Wolf Whistles]
Forget it.
When the nurses come back,
I'll be tossed aside like an old shoe.
- Here's your guitar, Captain.
- Thanks, Klinger.
- Give me a beer, Mr. Kwak.
- If they come back.
- Boy, I miss your mother.
- Would you like to see
her picture again?
I've seen every picture
of every female that's in this camp.
There's that reel
under Frank's bunk we've never seen.
That's probably just a movie of Frank's
parents being told he died at birth.
They'll be back.
- ## [Strumming Melody]
- Dry, Mr. Kwak.
Dry, drier, driest. Unwet.
The ultimate, the perfect martini...
a drink that's dying of thirst.
#And I wonder
if they miss us #
# Now, wouldn't that
be funny #
# Now that we're
without them #
#We can hardly
stand ourselves #
# Well, it's funny
when they're here #
#How we take for granted #
# The way they taste
The way they feel #
# Their sight, their smell
their sound #
#And it's funny
when they're gone #
#Just how bad
we miss them #
#And how life
can be so empty #
#When they're not around #
#And I wonder
if they miss us #
#Now, wouldn't that
be funny #
#Now that we're
without them #
#We can hardly
stand ourselves ##
Oh. Yeah, okay.
I got it. Right.
- Well, what's the poop?
- Huh?
Oh, uh, the nurses
all arrived safely at the 44th.
We're still expecting
an enemy parachute drop...
but we can't evacuate due to
the constant inflow of wounded.
Let the enemy come.
We'll show them American guts in action.
I think mine have
started already, sir.
- Choppers.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
[Telephone Ringing]
M.A.S.H., 4077 th.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention. Attention, all personnel.
Incoming... Incoming wounded
arriving by vehicle plus choppers...
on both upper and lower pads.
All available personnel will report
to the O.R. To help with nursing chores.
We need lots of hands.
- [Hawkeye Talking, Indistinct]
- [Metal Clanking]
- [Henry Scolds, Indistinct]
- Just look this way, Father,
where the blood is.
- Rake retractor, Father.
- Uh, rake... Uh.
- Rake. It's at the end
of the tray there.
- Oh. Sorry.
That's all right.
You're all heart. Unfortunately,
you're all thumbs as well.
- Suction.
- Suction?
It's the thing that goes...
[Imitates Sucking]
- My kingdom for a nurse.
- I'm doing my best.
If you don't start handing me
instruments the right way,
I'm gonna cut you off at the knees.
I thought he was cut off
at the knees.
- Klinger, you're standing in my light.
- Whatever I do is no good.
If Hot Lips were here right now,
I'd kiss her feet.
And bump into Frank
coming around the toe?
Okay, Klinger, give me the clamp,
give me the clamp.
- Thataboy.
- Three-O silk on
a cutting needle, Mr. Kwang.
Let's keep those sponges coming, Father.
"Nurse" is also a verb.
Margaret! Oh, Margaret,
I'm so glad I could get through to you.
I...
Just a minute, darling.
- How are you, precious?
- Fine now, darling.
- How are you?
- Oh, I'm just a wreck
without you. Honest.
The only thing that keeps me going
are the letters from my wife.
Really, Frank?
Just letters? No packages?
She hasn't knitted you a divorce?
Sorry, Margaret.
How do you like the 44th?
Any handsome doctors up there?
Are you still expecting an attack?
That's what we hear.
We're ready for it.
I've got the whole place organized.
Of course, Pierce and Mclntyre
have been no help.
- Last night, they filled
my foxhole with peas and carrots.
- Oh, dear.
And then they put a whoopee cushion
in my helmet liner.
You're bigger than they are, Frank.
We both know that.
Margaret, are there... there?
Are there what here?
Margaret, falling for me,
I realized how easily you can
be taken in by a handsome face.
- You're not jealous?
- I'm a doctor, Margaret.
But if I caught you with
another man, I'd blow my brains out
and then kill both of you.
- Did you hear what you said?
You got it all backwards.
- [Laughing Manically]
I mean, I'd kill both of you
and then I'd kill myself.
Seriously, Frank.
Knowing you'd kill me
somehow makes my life worthwhile.
Well, I wouldn't kill
just anyone, Margaret.
I've gotta go now, darling.
I love you.
I love you.
- Hang up, Frank.
- You hang up first.
Frank, that's so high school.
Let's count to three,
and then we'll hang up together.
- Okay, you start.
- One.
- Two.
- Three!
Get 'em, Frank!
Pierce! Mclntyre!
Stop! Wait! Hold it!
[Screams]
- Stop!
- [Trapper Laughs]
[Frank Yelling]
Help! Help! Oh!
[Frank] Now, cut that out.
Help! Stop that jeep!
Let me out of here!
[Yelping] Let me out!
- Why, that's amazing, Frank.
- Camouflaging yourself as a jeep.
You get the film.
I'll get the projector and popcorn.
[Frank] You can't park a jeep
over a superior officer!
Let me out!
If this belongs to Frank, you can
be sure it's not a girlie movie.
- You never can tell, Henry.
- We just heard Frank make
a semi-obscene phone call.
- Right. No further word
about the enemy attack, sir.
- Good, good.
[Hawkeye] There will be no enemy
attack. My personal theory is that...
the Chinese just sent headquarters
a threatening fortune cookie.
Get the window, Klinger.
- [Trapper] Don't stand in the light.
- [Hawkeye] You heartbreaker.
- Everyone comfortable?
- Not for a year now.
- Let her rip, Henry.
- You got it.
[Projector Whirring]
- I think I saw this movie.
- Oh, pipe down.
- Radar, get your hand off my knee.
- That's not funny!
Come on.
Get out of the way.
- "I've invited you all here today
because I'm ready to name the murderer."
- [Laughs]
- Hey, that's his wedding pictures.
- Must be. I don't see a casket.
I hate that hat.
- [Trapper] Our hero!
- [Hawkeye] The plot thins!
- [Henry]
Beautiful. Found his buttonhole.
- [All Murmuring]
- [Trapper]
Would you look at that smile?
- [Hawkeye] That can be cured.
- Invited a lot of empty chairs.
- [Radar] We got chairs
like that back home.
- [Henry] Mm.
- [Both] Aww.
- ##[Whistling "Here Comes The Bride"]
- [Henry] Thar she blows!
- I love her gown.
- [Trapper]
You have got a better figure.
- I love her gown.
- [Trapper]
You have got a better figure.
- [Hawkeye]
This is the happiest day of her life.
- [Trapper Laughs]
[Hawkeye]
There they are. Franklin D. Whitebread
marries Miss Cynthia Soon-To-Be-Frigid.
- Don't do it, Frank!
- [Trapper] You'll be sorry.
- [Hawkeye] Say no, Frank!
- [Radar] Those flowers are pretty.
- [Trapper]
Her hands are full of water.
- [Hawkeye Laughs]
[Henry]
Oh, brother.
[Trapper]
There's two locked up.
Got 'im!
- Oh, look!
- Even then, he didn't know
how to hold a knife.
- Watch the cake die of malpractice.
- Why do I feel sorry for Frank?
[Hawkeye Laughs Hysterically]
Hey, what's that
sticking to him?
[Hawkeye]
That's the bride. Oh, good. Lovely.
[Trapper]
Smarts a little, huh, Frank?
- Good shot, honey.
- [Klinger] Hit him right in the mush.
- Lookit. She can hardly wait.
- [Radar] Is that their daughter?
- That looks like you, Radar.
- Nah. The little girl's taller.
- [Radar] Who asked you?
- Traveling light.
- [Radar] Anybody hear a siren?
- Suppose she'll take off her glasses?
Look. Lookit. Lookit.
- Don't blow this, Frank!
- "Oh, just shut up
and get in the car, Frank."
- "I wanna drive."
- "Never mind that. Just get in the car."
[Henry]
"Oh, hell."
- "Sit down and shut up."
- [Radar]
I could've sworn I heard a siren.
- Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- Good-bye!
[Imitating Stuttering]
Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks.
[Imitating Stuttering]
Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks.
- [Sirens Blaring]
- Air raid! Plane spotted!
You picked a fine time
to watch a dirty movie.
This was the worst of all, Frank.
[Engines Decelerating]
Hey, the plane's
dropping something.
Holy cow!
It's Five O'Clock Charlie!
That idiot?
That's the raid?
- He couldn't hit the side of a war.
- Burns.
[Airplane Engine Accelerating,
Decelerating Alternately]
- "Give up, Yankee imperialist dog."
- An I.O.U. For an attack.
"Harry Truman is sleeping
with your wife"?
- You know what this means, huh?
- What? Ohh.
- Radar, call...
- The 44th's busy, sir, but I'll have
the nurses here by breakfast.
[Henry]
Let's have a drink.
- [Nurses Whooping]
- [Truck Horn Honking]
- ##[Korean Song On P.A.]
- [Whooping, Cheering Continue]
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- Hey, Trapper! Trapper! Look at this!
- Huh?
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- This way, ladies.
- Welcome home.
- #When I die #
- [Trapper And Hawkeye]
# Oh, when I die #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And it won't be long #
- #And you're gonna be sorry #
- #And you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry #
- # Oh, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad #
- #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an
afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad #
- # Ha, ha, ha, ha #
- # Ha, ha, ha, ha #
- # Ho, ho, ho, ho #
- # Ho, ho, ho, ho #
- #Talk it, talk it, talk it #
- #Talk it, talk it, talk it #
- # Shake it, shake it, shake it #
- # Shake it, shake it, shake it #
## [Continues, Indistinct,
Fades Out]