M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 5 - Who Knew? - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

(crickets chirping)

(glasses clinking)

Hey! What the hell
is goin' on?

I'm tryin' to sleep here.

Ooh, ooh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Well, now that you're up,
care for a drink?

At 3:30 in the morning,
all I care for is a sleep.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before you go to sleep...

there's one thing
I gotta tell ya.

There are times when
I really envy you



with your happy marriage
and your wonderful wife

waiting for you back home.

Mmm.

But this isn't one of them.

Boy, you can take
it from me,

Millie Carpenter
is quite a woman.

Congratulations.

You're the number one lover
boy in the whole fraternity.

Good night.

Oh, yeah.
Good night. Good night.

You know, it's amazing
how much pleasure

two people can
give each other

and on a Wednesday night.

Major!
Ah! What is it, Klinger?



I got something very exciting
to talk to you about.

Onceinalifetime
kind of stuff.

Your lifetime or mine?

Sir, I've been giving
some thought to the fact

that this war
can't last forever.

Well, it's certainly been
trying its best.

Have you given any thought

to what you're gonna do
after it's over?

Well, Klinger,
if for some reason

I choose not to
reenlist

I thought I might try
my hand at being a surgeon.

That's a nice business.
But did it ever occur to you

that the bottom could
fall out of medicine?

You're right, Klinger.
An epidemic of health
could break out.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, this is

the kind of conversation
I like to avoid.

What kind?
The kind where you're
talking and I'm listening.

I got a business proposition.

For one low,
initial investment

you get 50% of the
company and your name

on the door right
below mine.

Oh, that's tempting,
Klinger, but I think not.

Come on, Major.
Who else can I turn to?

Well, what about your
enterprising Bedouin relatives

back in Toledo?

My uncle Amir would
jump at this in a second.

But he's been on his butt
ever since his doortodoor

pita bread business
went bellyup.

Klinger, don't you have places
to go, people to bother?

All I ask is that you meet me
behind the generator shed

at 2:00 a.m.
for the big unveiling.

It's not a date. Now,
if you will excuse me,

I have some being alone
to attend to.

You're a cautious businessman.
I like that in a partner.

One sure test of good
oatmeal is that

you can't fill your
fountain pen with it.

What the oatmeal
lacks in solidity,

the coffee more
than makes up for.

When you haven't
had much sleep,

there's nothing like
a good cup of coffee

you can really sink
your teeth into.

People, could I have your
attention for a moment, please?

I've got some news.

Oh, I hope we're
not going home.

I still have some things
at the laundry.

I'm afraid it's not
very happy news.

One of our nurses,

Lieutenant Millicent Carpenter,
has been killed.

(gasping, murmuring)
Oh, Lieutenant Carpenter!

My God, how did it happen?

Her body was
found this morning.

The best I can figure is she
took a long walk last night,

somehow wandered off
the road and...

stepped on a mine.

(all gasping, murmuring)

Padre, can you handle
the, uh, memorial service?

Of course.

Time and day will be
put on the bulletin board.

Uh, if you'd like,

I'll serve as
summary court officer

and arrange for
her disposition.

Yeah, that's what
I had in mind.

Perhaps someone would
like to deliver a eulogy
at the service.

Oh, that's a real
nice idea, Padre.

Is there anybody here who
was especially close to
Lieutenant Carpenter

and, uh, would like to
say a few words in her
memory at the service?

I'll take care
of it, Colonel.

Father.
Hello, Hawkeye.

You looking for somebody?

I thought maybe
you could use a hand.

No, I think
I can handle it.

Lord knows it's
not the first time.

Unfortunately, I'm all
too experienced at this.

Where do you
send all this stuff?

I don't know yet.

Her 201 file is stuck
in the backlog at H. Q.

I was hoping to find something
here that would give me

a clue as to
her next of kin.

Well, there must be
a letter or something.

Yes, well, that's
what I thought.

But I haven't
found anything yet.

Yeah.

Hawkeye, something
on your mind?

Father, I'd like
to do the eulogy.

Hi.

Everything okay?

I told Father Mulcahy
that I would do the eulogy.

I had to do it.
Yeah?

When I saw that
nobody else volunteered,

I realized that Father
Mulcahy would just do

one of those routine
services

where all you do is
just fill in the blanks.

Hey, give him a little more
credit than that.

I'm not knocking Mulcahy,
but what can he say?

That she was a nice person
who died before her time

and now she's gone on
to a better world.

I'll tell ya, Hawk...

at a time like that,
I don't think it's the words.

What's important is that
we're all going to be together

to listen to them.

No, it's got to be
more than that.

It's gotta say
something about Millie.

Sounds like she meant
more to you than I thought.

No, that's just it.
She didn't.

We just jumped
into the sack together.

If she were alive now...

and being transferred
out of here...

I'd say goodbye to her

and toss off a couple
of wisecracks and, uh...

and probably forget
about her in a few days.

But now I feel like
I owe her something.

Major, what a coincidence
running into you here.

Good night.

Well, I guess I have to drink
this cognac all by myself.

Cognac? Where'd you get that?
Black market.

Tax writeoff. Entertaining
prospective partners.

Fat chance.

Surely this fine stuff is worth
five minutes of your time.

Three minutes.

Here we are.

Well, so far,
I'm impressed.

Not to mention thirsty.

All set.

There you are, Major.
Thank you.

Now can we
get on with this?

I have some meaningless,
trivial business

that is far more important.
Okay.

I didn't want
to take any chances,

so I hid our little product
in a clever place.

This... is it.

My word! You have
invented the circle.

Better! Watch what
you can do with it. Hoo San!

(chuckles)
More investors.

Please, Major, it's already
past this guy's bedtime.

Well, it's past
this guy's bedtime too.

So, yyou gonna show me

what you dragged
me over here for or not?

This is it!

In Seoul, I saw kids

having a ball doing this
with old barrel hoops.

I stole their idea
and ran with it.

Only, I used tubing
from the motor pool.

Keep going, Hoo San.

Klinger,
before you were born

the word "stupidity"
was without a definition.

You actually expect
people to pay you

for something they could
make themselves

out of any unsuspecting
length of garden hose?

Look, I came, I saw...

I drank, I go to bed.

Before you go, can I just
ask you one question?

What?
When do I get the money?

(scoffs)

Margaret, can I
talk to you for a minute?

Sure.
This is just routine.

I wanted to ask you
about Lieutenant Carpenter.

Like what?

Well, anything you can
tell me about her. II'm...

I'm delivering her eulogy.

Oh, are you?

Well, she was a good nurse.

Had a background
in thoracic surgery.

(exhales) Boy, I still
can't believe it.

Yeah, I know.
How come you're doing it?

Well, I had... I had seen
her a couple of times...

and I, uh... I wanted to
help Father Mulcahy out.

So can you tell me
a little bit about her?

Well, she was
a good nurse.

Yeah, I know. You said that.
Yeah.

Uh, well, she wasn't here
all that long.

You know how it is.
Sometimes somebody
new comes in

and it takes you a long time
to even get to know them.

Besides, she was sort of quiet.
Kept to herself a lot.

Did she ever say anything
about anybody back home?

Not to me.

Of course, I only
saw her at work.

I'm sure the other nurses
must have known her better.

I don't even know
where she was from.

Someplace in Virginia.

See? You know her
better than I do.

I don't know what we
can tell you, Captain.

She wasn't here
all that long.

Well, I know she
came from Virginia.

You know what town?
I thought it was Kentucky.

No, no. It was Virginia.

She usually volunteered
for the night shifts,

so I hardly ever
talked to her.

I tried to talk to her,

but she wasn't easy
to get to know.

It's hard to say this about
her now that she's gone,

but I got the feeling
she wasn't all that friendly.

What do you mean,
not friendly?

Well, what does
it matter now?

It matters, believe me.

Anything you can tell me about
her would mean a lot to me.

Well, there was the fudge.

She got a box from home.
It was really delicious.

Yeah, what we had of it.

I don't think I understand.
What do you mean?

Well, seems kind of petty
to talk about it now,

but it was a big box.

She only gave us one piece.

Oh, I think I can
understand how she was.

I've been in the service
a long time.

You travel around so much,
you don't want to make friends

'cause you don't know how long
you're gonna have 'em.

Yeah, I know,
but you lived with her.

You must have talked
about something.

Well, mostly she liked
to talk about work.

She was very serious
about her nursing.

She seemed really anxious

to pick up on the routine
around here

and she was a fast learner.

That's all you have
to tell me?

I gotta know more
than that. Anything.

Well, Captain,
you went out with her.
You must know something.

She was a good nurse.

You wanted to
see me, Colonel?

Yes, I'm making up the duty
roster for next month.

You mind working
a week of nights?
Not at all.

Matter of fact, I'd be
grateful for the solitude.

Consider it done.

Thank you, sir.

Colonel, what,
may I ask, is that?

You like it?
(chuckles)

To form an opinion either way

would be to imply
that I cared.

You don't know what this is?
Don't you read the comics?

No, they're just a blur on
the way to the financial page.

Well, this is the latest
denizen of Dogpatch.

What, I ask reluctantly,
is a Dogpatch?

Major, for a man with
a Harvard education,

you sure don't have
much knowledge of
what's important.

Dogpatch is where
the Yokums live.

Oh, well,
that explains that.

The best damn cartoon strip
in the whole world

is "Li'l Abner."

That is roughly comparable

to being the finest ballerina
in all of Galveston.

This friendly little
creature is a Shmoo.

A... A who?
A Shmoo.

The biggest thing
to hit the States

since Studebaker put
the front end on the back.

(chuckles)
What does a Shmoo do?

Well, not much of anything.

Well, then what makes
this imbecilic toy the rage?

Who knows? I guess,
with the world goin' crazy,

folks leaving the cities
for those prefab suburbs,

cars without clutches,
green toothpaste,

everything's
getting so technical,

people need to have something
dumb and simple like this.

Besides, after a hard day
at the army,

I like to give him a punch.
(chuckles)

Go ahead. You know
you want to do it.

Oh, no...
Go ahead.

It'll be our little secret.

Give him a punch.
You mean, hit him?

This, uh, symbolizes
the way of life

that we're over here
fighting to preserve.

Got a better one?

It is... simple.

They're selling
like hotcakes.

Mildred's been all
over Missouri

lookin' for one of
these for my grandson.

When I spotted this chubby
little fellow at the P. X.

at Kimpo, I grabbed him.

Boy, I wish I had a nickel
for every one of these sold.

Hmm. I guess I tend
to underestimate

the stupidity of
the American consumer.

I happen to like it.

That'll be all, Major.

Sergeant, I have
something to tell you.

What?

Upon reflection,
it occurs to me

that with that little, uh,

contraption of yours,
you know,

you may just have captured
the essence of stupidity.

Oh.
Special genius, you have.

I have?
We're gonna make millions.

Of course we are.
I got the brains,
and you got the bucks.

And if we go broke,
what's the worst
that can happen?

I lose a mere $600.
Seven hundred.

All right, seven.
A tidy little tax writeoff.

Now you're thinkin' big.

You come right along
with me, Sergeant,

over to my tent.
I'll write you a check.

Major, you've made me
a happy man.

Long one of my goals, Max.

(crickets chirping)
(knocking)

Come in.
You got a minute, Father?

Of course.

(sighs)

I'm having a real problem
with this eulogy.

Yes, summing up a person's
life in a few words is...

is always difficult.

I wish I had a few words.

Seems like nobody around here
really knew Millie Carpenter.

So I think
maybe it'd be best

if I give the job
back to a pro.

Well, if you insist,
I'll do it, but...

but first...

I wasn't sure whether
I should show you this,

but now I think
I'd better.

It's Millie Carpenter's
diary.

It was found
under her mattress.

Well, a diary is, uh...

It's kind of a private,
personal thing.

As summary court officer,
I was obliged to read it.

Now I think
you should also,

as a final gesture
to Millie.

MILLIE'S VOICE:
I'm not sure that I love him,

but there's something
special about him.

He's kind and gentle,

and his playfulness
and warmth make me forget

how lonely I really am.

Maybe someday I'll
be able to get up

the courage to tell
Hawkeye how I feel.

I thought you might
like to know

the average temperature of the
patients in postop is 99.2.

Great.
What're you reading?

Rereading.
Millie Carpenter's diary.

Oh?

I finally found out
something about her.

She's more
than a good nurse.

She was head nurse of
the thoracic surgery
unit at Letterman.

They do good work there.
Yeah. Then she...

thought she could do even
more good at the front,

so she asked for a
transfer to a MASH unit.

And stepped on a land mine.

She talks about
that in here, too.

She doesn't know she's
talking about it.

She says, uh...

"Even though it's 3:00 a. m.,

"I know there's no point
in trying to sleep now.

"There's just too much Hawkeye
running through my mind.

I think I'll take a walk."

End of diary.

I meant something to her,
and I had no idea.

She never let on.

Well, I was so busy being
casual about things,

she never had a chance.
Hawk, you only went out
with her twice.

Yeah. It would have been
the same after six months.

I have this subtle way of
getting the message across.

"Let's just have a good time
and keep it light."

Otherwise it's
"Byebye, Hawkeye."

Sometimes I'm a real prince.

Welcome to the royal family.

There's a little of that
in all of us.

I don't know. I think maybe
I've cornered the market.

Hawk, she wasn't completely
honest about how she felt.

You can't blame
yourself entirely.
Oh, yes, I can.

She couldn't tell me
how she felt 'cause
I wouldn't let her.

I never gave
her the chance.

I never do. I'm like
a boxer in the ring.

I'm dancing around
all the time,

making sure nothing
lands on me, touches me.

And you know something?
My legs are getting tired.

(grunts, exhales)

(laughs)
Well, I'll be damned.

(laughing)

Ladies.

You ready, operator?

Okay, the wire goes to
Mr. Amir Abdullah.

It's spelled
just like it sounds.

1329 South 15th Street,
Toledo, Ohio.

"Dear Uncle Amir:

"Who needs pita bread?
We're in business.

Have check in hand."

Change that to
"Have check in trash."

Major, have you
lost your mind?
Nope. Changed it.

Why?
I've done a little
market research.

Prospective consumers
find your product

patently silly
and remarkably stupid.

Of course it's stupid.
You told me that's what
you loved about it.

Love affair's over.

ALL: My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy

shall follow me
all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in
the house of the Lord forever.

Amen.

Millie Carpenter
was 27 when she died.

Not many of us
knew her very well...

and that's our loss because...

she was really
somebody worth knowing.

I'm sorry to say that I
didn't really know her myself

very well until last night
when Father Mulcahy

suggested that I
I read her diary.

I got to know Millie Carpenter
in those pages.

Let me tell you about her.

I'll start with the fudge.

It was a big box,

but Millie only gave
one piece to each nurse.

That was typical.

She didn't seem to
share much with anybody.

Well, I know now

that Millie gave
the rest of that fudge,

to the wounded in postop.

She was working
on the night shift,

so nno one was
around to see it.

I guess none of us
really saw Millie.

We thought she was kind of
distant and unfriendly.

Well, in... in fact...

she looked upon us with
a kind of awe that...

that we've done our jobs
for so long and so well.

She could have told us that...

but she wasn't able to.

Because...

It wasn't, as
some of us thought,

that she was... uncaring...

but it was because,
as Millie wrote so often,

she was shy...
she was just too shy

to express her
her deepest feelings.

She could write
them to herself,

but she couldn't
say it to us.

I I wish she had because...

if she had, I I might
have felt for her before...

what I feel for her now.

I really care for Millie.

And I've learned
something from her.

See, I'm a lot like Millie.

I'm not shy.
I... I...

I cover up my
feelings with jokes

and I don't tell
the people I...

I care about the most...

the most important thing
that I can tell them,

that I... that I do care.

It's too late
for Millie to change.

That's That's sad, but

but maybe...

maybe we can take a page
from her diary.

And I'd like to
start right now...

and let a little
of what I feel show

through the cracks,

through the...
the wisecracks.

To all the people here...

who I've sweated with
and endured with...

you're very important to me.

And I hope I do a better job
of letting you know it.

And to those closest to me,

who... who mean
so much to me...

Colonel Potter...

Father Mulcahy...

Klinger...

Margaret...

Charles...

and Beej...

I love every one of you.

And goodbye, Millie.

Okay, just 500.
We'll sell 'em by mail order.

For the last time, Klinger,
the answer is no!

Keep throwing, Hoo San.

Major, can't you see
what a great idea this is?

It can't be a great idea
if you had it.

Now, if a great idea
ever does present itself,

you'll be the last
to know about it.

And I will be the first
to exploit it!

Will you urchins

take your mindless
recreation elsewhere?

♪♪♪ (theme)