M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 4 - The Joker Is Wild - full transcript
It's time for another annual M*A*S*H prankathon. B.J. starts by nailing Hawkeye's shoes to the floor so when trying to put them on, Pierce takes a header. He felt that to be a stupid, childish prank. At dinner, B.J. swears he will pull the ultimate prank on everybody. Hawkeye wasn't afraid, until menial practical jokes happen to everybody around him: Father Mulcahy's food had been spiked, Klinger's file explodes, Charles finds a snake in his bed, the back of Margaret's robe had been cut out, and something other than toothpaste was occupying Colonel Potter's toothpaste tube. Hawkeye fears he has become a marked man for a prank even bigger than those what befell his friends. When and where will it happen? Or...Has it already happened?
♪♪♪ (theme)
♪♪♪ (woman singing
in Korean on speaker)
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
♪♪♪ (ends)
(jet passing overhead)
I have a weather report
from the showers.
Continued cold with
intermittent drizzles.
Mmhmm.
Fortunately, after seven hours
in O .R., I'm numb anyway.
Let's go over to the "O" Club.
I'll buy you a drink.
Can't even lift my elbow.
I'm stiff all over.
Did you ever have
one of those wars
where everything
goes wrong?
Ah. Sometimes you just
start a day out
on the wrong foot.
Good God!
You comin' or not?
Was that supposed
to be funny?
What?
I just fell on my face.
You know the problem?
Your boot's nailed to the floor.
You know, I wouldn't mind
a joke if it was
if it had some intelligence,
but this is stupid.
Yeah?
It's dumb.
That's not a joke.
It's carpentry.
What would be better?
Something with flair,
with imagination,
withwithwith
with style, like...
the dribble specimen bottle.
Oh, that's good.
You think that up?
Uh, well, no.
Actually, that was Trapper.
But that was just one
of hundreds of classics
we pulled.
You and Trapper were
quite the duo, huh?
Yes. Yes, we were.
We inspired each other.
WeWe rose to new heights
of good, clean perversion.
Are you sure
this isn't funny?
(chattering)
What is this?
What is this stuff?
Spaghetti
with mushroom sauce.
I wonder who got
the mushroom?
Aw, Pierce. Stop griping.
It's not so bad.
Aaah!
Oh, very funny!
I wonder who
could have pulled
such a stupid stunt
like that.
As if I didn't know,
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Hey, don't look at me,
Margaret.
If the word "stupid"
is attached to a joke,
there's your idiot.
I'm surprised he didn't try
to nail your food to the table.
All right, Hunnicutt.
What do you have to say?
I think you oughta
cut down on your salt.
Uh.
(chuckles)
I must admit. That's quite
a joke there, Hunnicutt.
Puts you right up there
with 8,000 Shriners.
Now that you mention it,
that one does have
whiskers on it.
Seems to me,
the pranks used to be
more original
in the old days.
Ah, the good old days.
You mean like
when Trapper was here?
(chuckles)
Trapper was a scamp.
Oh, I remember one time.
We had We had wash hung out
to dry.
But Trapper stole
Colonel Blake's underwear.
Strung his shorts
from a kite
and flew them
into enemy territory.
Skivvies on the wing.
That's rich.
It was a classic.
Trapper was a man ahead
of his time. Right, Margaret?
He was a ridiculous,
juvenile child.
See?
What a guy.
You know, I'll bet if
old Trapper were here now,
he could pull something
on each and every one
of you,
and do it within
a 24hour period.
Are you proposing
a "jokeout"
at the O. K. Corral?
Oh, no, no.
I'm just talking about
the legendary Trapper.
Anybody who could do that
would certainly be
the world's heavyweight scamp.
Aha. When does it start?
Oh, I don't know.
Those kinds of things usually
start at dawn.
What kind of stakes
are you talking about here,
funny pants?
Well, if old Trap
were doing it
I'm sure he'd want
to see everybody he got
do a striptease on a table
while singing,
"You're the Tops."
And what if everybody
doesn't get gotten?
Then I guess
the tables would be turned.
Yeah, well,
that would be incredible.
Because I would love
to see you singing
"You're the Tops"
without your bottoms.
I can understand that,
Hawk.
'Cause anybody who'd
want to get everybody,
would want to get you
worst of all.
Yeah, well,
you're not gonna get me.
Who me? Oh, I don't go in
for that sort of thing.
(shouting)
(mumbling)
What's going on!
This is going on.
Huh?
(shouts)
Someone put it
in my bed.
You put a dead snake
in his bed?
No, no. It was only dead
after I killed it.
Oh, very clever.
It must have taken you months
to come up with that one.
You're blaming me?
This country's crawling
with snakes.
Excuse me. I have to put
a snake in the grass.
Go on.
Getting a little nervous,
Hawkeye.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Charles was easy. I'm not.
Hey, guys. Get dressed.
Colonel wants to see you
in his tent.
Step lively, Hawk.
It's not polite
to keep a colonel waiting.
You go first. I want you
where I can keep an eye
on you.
My, my,
aren't we jumpy today?
Hunnicutt,
if there is a God,
there will be a time
in your life
when you are in dire straits
and in desperate need
of a wealthy,
influential friend.
When that time comes,
I pray that you will
turn to me
so that I can laugh
in your face.
POTTER: Great Mother Macree!
I think I'm gonna die!
That's Potter.
I think it is.
Colonel, are you all right?
What's the matter?
What happened?
Sir, you're as green
as your uniform.
What happened?
(coughs)
I don't know.
There I was, performing
my morning toilette.
I began by polishing
the pearlies.
But the the toothpaste
tasted real bad.
Soapylike.
Then I started coughing,
and bubbles came
out of my nose.
Someone put shaving cream
in the toothpaste tube.
Well, Hunnicutt.
Looks like I've just
been initiated into
the "gotcha" club.
Ohho. No, sir.
I'm not that clever.
Certainly not
like Trapper John.
This is ridiculous.
Aren't you going a little
overboard?
Actually,
it wasn't that bad.
Far be it from me
to grouse when I get got.
And now that I've been had,
I can enjoy watchin'
the next poor sucker squirm.
Yeah. You know, actually,
I can too.
Well, if you're counting
on me for some entertainment,
you're wasting your time,
because I cannot be gotten.
Oh, I know. I know.
Yeah. Well,
just keep knowing it.
Colonel,
I believe you sent for us.
Right. I just got word
that H. Q. has ordered us
to swap an M. D. with
the 8063rd for a day.
You know how they
like us to keep tabs
on each other's
surgical procedures.
Do I see a volunteer?
Yes, I'll go.
Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.
Gee, Hawk.
I can't let you do that.
You went last time.
That's okay. Then you go.
You've been so jittery lately,
I'd feel better if I could
stick around
That's okay. I don't mind.
Really, it's no problem.
Enough already. I'll go.
It will get me out of
the line of seltzer fire.
Sold. Well, now that
that's settled, let's go eat.
Sabotaging the tube.
You're a crafty one,
Hunnicutt.
I'd hate to think
what you'd do
to somebody
you're really gunning for.
Me too.
Hawk.
(yelps)
Take it easy, will ya?
What are you doing here?
I work here.
I'm relieving you.
Oh, right.
I was expecting you.
Where have you been?
I'm sorry I'm late.
You can go on back
to the Swamp.
All right, good.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Why do you want me
to go back to the Swamp?
I don't want you to
go back to the Swamp.
I don't care where you go.
Oh, really? Why were you
so pointed about saying
"Why don't you go back
to the Swamp"?
It's just a figure
of speech.
No, no, no.
A figure of speech is like,
"shoot the moon"
or, uh, "blind luck."
Or, "drop dead."
Yeah. Well, forget it.
It's not gonna work.
I'm not going back
to the Swamp.
I'm gonna stay here
and do some paperwork.
Fine. Stay here
and do paperwork.
Why did you say that?
Boy, are you edgy today.
You oughta see a doctor.
Hi, pal.
How you doin'?
When I can go back
to fight, Doctor?
Whoa.
What's your hurry?
A North Korean
owe you money?
I must protect my country
against invaders.
I must do my job.
Yeah. And I must do mine.
You're out of the war
for another couple days.
HAWKEYE: Morning, Margaret.
Buzz off!
You, Dr. Fink.
Over here.
Hi, Margaret.
How the heck are you?
You jerk face!
You louse mouth!
Oh, you're just
saying that.
What's the matter?
What did he do now?
I put this on,
and I went to take
a shower.
Needless to say,
I wasn't wearing
my fatigues at the time.
I only took a few steps
out of doors
when suddenly,
things got chilly.
Here's why.
Gee, Margaret, you look like
you could use a bun warmer.
Shut up, you lowlife!
I turned and ran
back into my tent
but not before hearing
a chorus of whistles,
catcalls,
and one marriage proposal.
You don't have
a shred of decency.
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
However,
just by coincidence,
I happened to notice
something in here.
Isn't that interesting?
You You slimy worm!
Gee, Hawk.
Just like the good old days
when Trapper was here.
Or so I've heard.
Dr. Pierce,
I got a delivery for ya.
This is Captain Paul Yamato,
M. D., from the 8063rd.
Oh, yeah. We got you
in the Winchester trade.
What a steal.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Glad to meet you.
I'm looking forward
to seeing your operation.
Let's just hope
we don't have any.
Tell you what.
After we get you set up
at our place,
I'll show you around.
Thanks,
I appreciate that.
I'll get my bag
and be right with you.
Did "Dr. Destructo"
make his move on you yet?
No. But Margaret
just bought it.
Major Houlihan?
Yeah.
Gee, I saw her just
a couple of hours ago
laughing like she didn't
have a care in the world.
Life can be cruel.
When there's a mad joker
on the loose,
you can't let your guard down
for even a minute.
It could go like that.
Not me.
I lived through
four Toledo gang wars
and a father with
a short temper
and a quick jab.
I'm not about to be rubbed out
in a Korean clown attack.
We'll make it.
Sure, we will.
Here. Let me take
that for you, sir.
Oh, thanks.
Paul, is that you?
Beej!
You old son of a gun!
What are you doin' here?
I'm on temporary duty
from the 8063rd.
No kiddin'?
It's great to see you.
Yeah.
Hawk, you meet Paul Yamato?
Yeah, we've been introduced.
But you haven't.
We're old buddies.
We roomed together
in army med training school.
You roomed together?
Yeah.
Boy, did we have a ball, huh?
Yeah, I'll bet you did.
You arranged this,
didn't you?
What? Come on.
Will you get off it?
Paul, I'm on duty now,
but I'll buy you
a drink later.
Fine.
Okay.
You still owe me one.
Aha.
Great guy.
Yeah.
Uh, I'll take you up
on that offer of a tour now.
You'd like that,
wouldn't ya?
Huh?
Forget it, buddy.
It's not gonna work.
(chuckles)
(chattering)
Igor, yours is
a thankless task.
So, I hope you won't mind
if I don't thank you.
Well, what's the "slop"
de jour?
This here's
carrots and peas
Oh, "succotrash."
Actually, sir,
they're really good today.
I highly recommend them.
What about this stuff?
The beans
I wouldn't give 'em
to my neighbor's dog.
In fact, they're so old,
they're "has beans."
Thanks for the tip.
I'll have the carrots
and peas.
Comin' right up.
So, the carrots
and peas are good, huh?
(chuckles)
He must think
I'm really an idiot.
What?
Come on, stupid.
Don't play dumb with me.
If you don't mind,
I'll have the beans.
I'm tellin' you, sir.
They're lousy.
Well, lousy is just
what I'm hungry for
right now.
May I have the beans,
please?
Okay, Captain.
Oh, right.
You say the carrots
and peas are good
so I'll think that's
what he wants me to have.
So, I'll have the beans,
because that's what
he wants me to have
in the first place.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you.
Mmmmm. Hmm.
Hi, uh, what are you
having for lunch, Hawk?
Oh, I'll just have
what you're having.
Hey, get your own food!
Hawkeye,
what are you doing?
Just staying
a step ahead, Father.
He's not gonna have me
for lunch.
And I suggest
you stay on your toes too.
For heaven's sake, Hawkeye,
stop being such
a stickinthemud.
It's all just good,
clean fun.
(gasping)
Oh! Hot! Hot!
You are the lowest.
Water!
Me? What did I do?
Look at him.
You poisoned a priest.
Water!
I cannot believe
you'd be so insensitive.
I just can't believe it.
(gulps)
I I just can't believe it.
B.J.! B. J., you crumb!
Father, if you
want some water,
why didn't
you just ask?
(gasping)
Gee, that makes four.
Four from six is, uh, two.
Isn't it, Hawk?
How's that leg
feeling, Leightman?
Much better, sir.
You really did a terrific job.
Don't thank me, Private.
Thank all the little people
in government
who made this whole event
possible.
You know, it's almost worth
gettin' shot
just to get out of eatin'
that lousy field food.
Did you have the
pork chops tonight?
Huh?
Pork chops. Did you have
the pork chops tonight?
Uh, no.
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Oh, that's too bad.
I tell ya, they were
absolutely tremendous.
The best I've had
in the longest time.
Just like homecooked.
Mmm.
And that gravy was great.
Yeah, great.
Well, everything inside
seems to be beating in an
orderly fashion.
You should be twostepping
back to your unit in no time.
That's great, Doc.
Thanks.
My C. O. gave me this
genuine Cuban stogie.
I didn't have the heart
to tell him I don't smoke.
I'd like you to have it.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.
You know, it's a long time
since I've had a...
a good cigar.
I guess you thought I'd get
a real bang out of this, huh?
Hey, what are you...
Shame on you!
(laughs)
Nice.
Very nice. Very nice!
What was that all about?
Oh, just throwing cold water
on your little plan.
I can't believe you,
using a kid like that.
You probably even arranged
to have him shot.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Oh, of course not.
And what are you doing here?
These are my rounds.
I came to get this
to take it to the lab.
Oh.
You really should relax.
You're getting very edgy.
You'd like to think that,
wouldn't you?
I'm sorry, but I'm doing
just fine, thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I've got to fill out my reports.
I hope one of those
is a Section Eight for yourself.
Toodleoo.
Toodleoo.
Dr. Pierce?
(yelps)
What the hell are you doing?
Get away from me.
Sorry, Doctor,
I'm just here to observe.
I thought we might
make rounds together.
I already made
my rounds.
You go make yours,
and we'll compare notes.
Start down there
at the far end.
Pierce, have I done something
to offend you?
No. And you're not going to.
Please let me know if you
need anything, Dr. Yamato.
Thanks.
Yamato!
Hey! What are ya...
Somebody help me!
Yamato!
Pierce, help me!
This guy's crazy!
All right, come on.
A joke is a joke,
but not in postop!
Come on now!
Cut it out! Both of you!
Not me! Him!
Hey! Easy, easy!
This is not a good
doctorpatient relationship
here.
It's not even good acting.
He Japanese!
They steal my country,
enslave my people.
I have revenge!
Damn it.
I didn't invade your country.
Talk to my relatives, pal.
I'm from Bridgeport.
Okay, slugger, come on.
Okay.
Next time, Paul...
aha...
you better show him your
driver's license.
What is this?
I'm getting choked to death,
and your demented colleague
thinks I'm kidding.
Nice try, Beej.
I gotta hand it to ya,
the ploys are getting
sicker and sicker.
You stay put.
Hawk, I had nothing
to do with this.
Sure.
Believe me.
Neither did Paul.
Oh, right.
I'm going to believe a guy
who lied to a priest.
Boy, you are really something.
You have no shame at all.
And you stay away
from me, Dr. Yamato.
Or whoever you are.
(clattering)
Klinger, relax. It's me.
Just on my guard against
the crazy Captain Clodhoppers.
There's no way anybody's
gonna get in
or outta here
without my knowing.
You can't barricade yourself
in here till tomorrow morning.
Wrong, Sitting Duck.
I shall remain in my bunker
until his reign
of terror has ended.
A Klinger strips for no man.
I'm gonna live through this
if it kills me.
Yeah. Well, you can hide
if you want,
but he's not gonna make me
a prisoner of whoopee.
I admire your courage,
if not your intelligence.
Good luck.
You too.
(jangling)
(explosion)
What was that?
Are you all right!
How did he get in here?
How did he beat the bells?
The fiend is everywhere!
What happened?
I went to file away
your reports.
I opened the drawer,
and boom! Blitzkrieg!
Right in my face!
I could've been killed.
If this caught on fire,
the whole place could've
gone up with me in it.
I don't think he meant
to start a fire.
Even B. J. wouldn't
have done that.
You are saying
that a mad bomber
is incapable of arson?
He'll stop at nothing!
Klinger, come on. Relax.
He got you.
You're off the hook now.
He's not gonna
Not too close!
You're a walking time bomb.
He's saving the hideous
grand finale for you.
I don't wanna get within
a hundred feet of you!
Go away, go away!
He could strike anytime,
anyplace!
Okay, okay.
But I'm telling ya.
He's not gonna get me.
Go, go away!
Shoo, shoo!
(jangling)
Go, go!
Shoo, shoo!
(tapping floor)
(owl hoots)
(chattering)
Good morning, everybody.
(overlapping greetings)
May I join you,
or is this table reserved
only for B. J.
and his victims?
Nope. Anyone can sit here.
Please do, Hawkeye.
Always a good sport, Father.
That's nice.
Hello, Charles.
How good to see you back.
Yes.
My goodness.
I was only gone for a day.
Why do you look
a year older?
When was the last time
you slept?
Or ate?
That's why I thought
I'd drop by.
Time for a satisfying breakfast
of eggs and a strip of B. J.
Then I shall repair
to the safety of my tent
and sleep the sleep
of the victorious.
My, my,
Mr. CloseButNoCigar.
We're awfully quiet today.
Seems like only yesterday,
you were saying
that someone could get each
and every one of us
with a masterful joke
from someone's wornout
bag of tricks.
Hmm.
I guess the bag just
wasn't big enough, huh?
Well, nice try.
You got all the others,
but you didn't get me.
Well, now I I wouldn't
exactly say that.
What are you talking about,
Father? He got you.
He got you. He got you.
And you. And you.
He got everybody. I saw it.
Oh, really?
Did you actually see
the live snake in my bed?
Yes. Yes, right on the end
of the putter.
No, no. Dead.
And not actually in my bed.
Huh?
Did you taste
my toothpaste?
No.
Did you see my file
go blooey?
Or try my lunch?
Or see my tush?
You mean, he didn't get
any of you either?
Truth be known, Hawk,
the only one
that got got was you.
Me? You got me?
Well, not exactly
all by himself.
Hunnicutt's scheme was
so brilliantly conceived,
it was an honor
to be part of it.
It was fascinating
to watch you
turn into one
giant basket case
not knowing where or when
B. J. was gonna strike next.
My only regret was
that I wasn't actually here
to watch you disintegrate.
All right, but wait a second.
What about all that other stuff?
What about Igor and the beans?
And the kid with the cigar?
Now, they were real.
Just normal,
everyday gestures
by normal, everyday people
who didn't know it wasn't
a normal, everyday day
for a man whose imagination
was running wild.
How do you explain
your buddy Yamato?
I don't.
He was the doctor they sent
to replace Winchester,
and I happened
to know him.
I think you owe him
an explanation.
He thinks you're
out of your mind.
Well, there you have it, Hawk.
The best joke of all
was the joke that never came.
Okay, okay. I've been had.
Fine. I've tossed down
the gauntlet,
and you beat me up with it.
That's fine.
You had your fun.
Now it's over.
(all voicing disapproval)
I believe you have
some tablehopping to do.
Oh, come on, Beej.
(all shouting) Up, up, up!
KLINGER: Get up here.
POTTER: A deal's a deal.
"You're the Tops."
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
I can't hear you!
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
Now I can't see you,
Gypsy Rose.
Take it off, Hawkeye!
I wanna see some skin!
(raucous cheering)
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're a smile
on the Mona Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a total wreck,
a worthless check ♪
♪ A flop ♪
♪ But if, baby,
I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the tops ♪
(cheering)
(alarm ringing)
Beej, you up?
Do I have to be?
Yeah.
You gotta make rounds.
Oh. Don't tell me
you slept
straight through
from yesterday afternoon.
Probably the longest time
I've spent in bed alone.
Oh.
Being humiliated
can wear you out.
That's what you get
for casting aspersions.
No hard feelings?
No, no.
I've met my match.
I'll never tangle
with the master again.
That's more like it.
(sighs)
(inhales)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (theme)
♪♪♪ (woman singing
in Korean on speaker)
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
♪♪♪ (ends)
(jet passing overhead)
I have a weather report
from the showers.
Continued cold with
intermittent drizzles.
Mmhmm.
Fortunately, after seven hours
in O .R., I'm numb anyway.
Let's go over to the "O" Club.
I'll buy you a drink.
Can't even lift my elbow.
I'm stiff all over.
Did you ever have
one of those wars
where everything
goes wrong?
Ah. Sometimes you just
start a day out
on the wrong foot.
Good God!
You comin' or not?
Was that supposed
to be funny?
What?
I just fell on my face.
You know the problem?
Your boot's nailed to the floor.
You know, I wouldn't mind
a joke if it was
if it had some intelligence,
but this is stupid.
Yeah?
It's dumb.
That's not a joke.
It's carpentry.
What would be better?
Something with flair,
with imagination,
withwithwith
with style, like...
the dribble specimen bottle.
Oh, that's good.
You think that up?
Uh, well, no.
Actually, that was Trapper.
But that was just one
of hundreds of classics
we pulled.
You and Trapper were
quite the duo, huh?
Yes. Yes, we were.
We inspired each other.
WeWe rose to new heights
of good, clean perversion.
Are you sure
this isn't funny?
(chattering)
What is this?
What is this stuff?
Spaghetti
with mushroom sauce.
I wonder who got
the mushroom?
Aw, Pierce. Stop griping.
It's not so bad.
Aaah!
Oh, very funny!
I wonder who
could have pulled
such a stupid stunt
like that.
As if I didn't know,
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Hey, don't look at me,
Margaret.
If the word "stupid"
is attached to a joke,
there's your idiot.
I'm surprised he didn't try
to nail your food to the table.
All right, Hunnicutt.
What do you have to say?
I think you oughta
cut down on your salt.
Uh.
(chuckles)
I must admit. That's quite
a joke there, Hunnicutt.
Puts you right up there
with 8,000 Shriners.
Now that you mention it,
that one does have
whiskers on it.
Seems to me,
the pranks used to be
more original
in the old days.
Ah, the good old days.
You mean like
when Trapper was here?
(chuckles)
Trapper was a scamp.
Oh, I remember one time.
We had We had wash hung out
to dry.
But Trapper stole
Colonel Blake's underwear.
Strung his shorts
from a kite
and flew them
into enemy territory.
Skivvies on the wing.
That's rich.
It was a classic.
Trapper was a man ahead
of his time. Right, Margaret?
He was a ridiculous,
juvenile child.
See?
What a guy.
You know, I'll bet if
old Trapper were here now,
he could pull something
on each and every one
of you,
and do it within
a 24hour period.
Are you proposing
a "jokeout"
at the O. K. Corral?
Oh, no, no.
I'm just talking about
the legendary Trapper.
Anybody who could do that
would certainly be
the world's heavyweight scamp.
Aha. When does it start?
Oh, I don't know.
Those kinds of things usually
start at dawn.
What kind of stakes
are you talking about here,
funny pants?
Well, if old Trap
were doing it
I'm sure he'd want
to see everybody he got
do a striptease on a table
while singing,
"You're the Tops."
And what if everybody
doesn't get gotten?
Then I guess
the tables would be turned.
Yeah, well,
that would be incredible.
Because I would love
to see you singing
"You're the Tops"
without your bottoms.
I can understand that,
Hawk.
'Cause anybody who'd
want to get everybody,
would want to get you
worst of all.
Yeah, well,
you're not gonna get me.
Who me? Oh, I don't go in
for that sort of thing.
(shouting)
(mumbling)
What's going on!
This is going on.
Huh?
(shouts)
Someone put it
in my bed.
You put a dead snake
in his bed?
No, no. It was only dead
after I killed it.
Oh, very clever.
It must have taken you months
to come up with that one.
You're blaming me?
This country's crawling
with snakes.
Excuse me. I have to put
a snake in the grass.
Go on.
Getting a little nervous,
Hawkeye.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Charles was easy. I'm not.
Hey, guys. Get dressed.
Colonel wants to see you
in his tent.
Step lively, Hawk.
It's not polite
to keep a colonel waiting.
You go first. I want you
where I can keep an eye
on you.
My, my,
aren't we jumpy today?
Hunnicutt,
if there is a God,
there will be a time
in your life
when you are in dire straits
and in desperate need
of a wealthy,
influential friend.
When that time comes,
I pray that you will
turn to me
so that I can laugh
in your face.
POTTER: Great Mother Macree!
I think I'm gonna die!
That's Potter.
I think it is.
Colonel, are you all right?
What's the matter?
What happened?
Sir, you're as green
as your uniform.
What happened?
(coughs)
I don't know.
There I was, performing
my morning toilette.
I began by polishing
the pearlies.
But the the toothpaste
tasted real bad.
Soapylike.
Then I started coughing,
and bubbles came
out of my nose.
Someone put shaving cream
in the toothpaste tube.
Well, Hunnicutt.
Looks like I've just
been initiated into
the "gotcha" club.
Ohho. No, sir.
I'm not that clever.
Certainly not
like Trapper John.
This is ridiculous.
Aren't you going a little
overboard?
Actually,
it wasn't that bad.
Far be it from me
to grouse when I get got.
And now that I've been had,
I can enjoy watchin'
the next poor sucker squirm.
Yeah. You know, actually,
I can too.
Well, if you're counting
on me for some entertainment,
you're wasting your time,
because I cannot be gotten.
Oh, I know. I know.
Yeah. Well,
just keep knowing it.
Colonel,
I believe you sent for us.
Right. I just got word
that H. Q. has ordered us
to swap an M. D. with
the 8063rd for a day.
You know how they
like us to keep tabs
on each other's
surgical procedures.
Do I see a volunteer?
Yes, I'll go.
Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.
Gee, Hawk.
I can't let you do that.
You went last time.
That's okay. Then you go.
You've been so jittery lately,
I'd feel better if I could
stick around
That's okay. I don't mind.
Really, it's no problem.
Enough already. I'll go.
It will get me out of
the line of seltzer fire.
Sold. Well, now that
that's settled, let's go eat.
Sabotaging the tube.
You're a crafty one,
Hunnicutt.
I'd hate to think
what you'd do
to somebody
you're really gunning for.
Me too.
Hawk.
(yelps)
Take it easy, will ya?
What are you doing here?
I work here.
I'm relieving you.
Oh, right.
I was expecting you.
Where have you been?
I'm sorry I'm late.
You can go on back
to the Swamp.
All right, good.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Why do you want me
to go back to the Swamp?
I don't want you to
go back to the Swamp.
I don't care where you go.
Oh, really? Why were you
so pointed about saying
"Why don't you go back
to the Swamp"?
It's just a figure
of speech.
No, no, no.
A figure of speech is like,
"shoot the moon"
or, uh, "blind luck."
Or, "drop dead."
Yeah. Well, forget it.
It's not gonna work.
I'm not going back
to the Swamp.
I'm gonna stay here
and do some paperwork.
Fine. Stay here
and do paperwork.
Why did you say that?
Boy, are you edgy today.
You oughta see a doctor.
Hi, pal.
How you doin'?
When I can go back
to fight, Doctor?
Whoa.
What's your hurry?
A North Korean
owe you money?
I must protect my country
against invaders.
I must do my job.
Yeah. And I must do mine.
You're out of the war
for another couple days.
HAWKEYE: Morning, Margaret.
Buzz off!
You, Dr. Fink.
Over here.
Hi, Margaret.
How the heck are you?
You jerk face!
You louse mouth!
Oh, you're just
saying that.
What's the matter?
What did he do now?
I put this on,
and I went to take
a shower.
Needless to say,
I wasn't wearing
my fatigues at the time.
I only took a few steps
out of doors
when suddenly,
things got chilly.
Here's why.
Gee, Margaret, you look like
you could use a bun warmer.
Shut up, you lowlife!
I turned and ran
back into my tent
but not before hearing
a chorus of whistles,
catcalls,
and one marriage proposal.
You don't have
a shred of decency.
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
However,
just by coincidence,
I happened to notice
something in here.
Isn't that interesting?
You You slimy worm!
Gee, Hawk.
Just like the good old days
when Trapper was here.
Or so I've heard.
Dr. Pierce,
I got a delivery for ya.
This is Captain Paul Yamato,
M. D., from the 8063rd.
Oh, yeah. We got you
in the Winchester trade.
What a steal.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Glad to meet you.
I'm looking forward
to seeing your operation.
Let's just hope
we don't have any.
Tell you what.
After we get you set up
at our place,
I'll show you around.
Thanks,
I appreciate that.
I'll get my bag
and be right with you.
Did "Dr. Destructo"
make his move on you yet?
No. But Margaret
just bought it.
Major Houlihan?
Yeah.
Gee, I saw her just
a couple of hours ago
laughing like she didn't
have a care in the world.
Life can be cruel.
When there's a mad joker
on the loose,
you can't let your guard down
for even a minute.
It could go like that.
Not me.
I lived through
four Toledo gang wars
and a father with
a short temper
and a quick jab.
I'm not about to be rubbed out
in a Korean clown attack.
We'll make it.
Sure, we will.
Here. Let me take
that for you, sir.
Oh, thanks.
Paul, is that you?
Beej!
You old son of a gun!
What are you doin' here?
I'm on temporary duty
from the 8063rd.
No kiddin'?
It's great to see you.
Yeah.
Hawk, you meet Paul Yamato?
Yeah, we've been introduced.
But you haven't.
We're old buddies.
We roomed together
in army med training school.
You roomed together?
Yeah.
Boy, did we have a ball, huh?
Yeah, I'll bet you did.
You arranged this,
didn't you?
What? Come on.
Will you get off it?
Paul, I'm on duty now,
but I'll buy you
a drink later.
Fine.
Okay.
You still owe me one.
Aha.
Great guy.
Yeah.
Uh, I'll take you up
on that offer of a tour now.
You'd like that,
wouldn't ya?
Huh?
Forget it, buddy.
It's not gonna work.
(chuckles)
(chattering)
Igor, yours is
a thankless task.
So, I hope you won't mind
if I don't thank you.
Well, what's the "slop"
de jour?
This here's
carrots and peas
Oh, "succotrash."
Actually, sir,
they're really good today.
I highly recommend them.
What about this stuff?
The beans
I wouldn't give 'em
to my neighbor's dog.
In fact, they're so old,
they're "has beans."
Thanks for the tip.
I'll have the carrots
and peas.
Comin' right up.
So, the carrots
and peas are good, huh?
(chuckles)
He must think
I'm really an idiot.
What?
Come on, stupid.
Don't play dumb with me.
If you don't mind,
I'll have the beans.
I'm tellin' you, sir.
They're lousy.
Well, lousy is just
what I'm hungry for
right now.
May I have the beans,
please?
Okay, Captain.
Oh, right.
You say the carrots
and peas are good
so I'll think that's
what he wants me to have.
So, I'll have the beans,
because that's what
he wants me to have
in the first place.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you.
Mmmmm. Hmm.
Hi, uh, what are you
having for lunch, Hawk?
Oh, I'll just have
what you're having.
Hey, get your own food!
Hawkeye,
what are you doing?
Just staying
a step ahead, Father.
He's not gonna have me
for lunch.
And I suggest
you stay on your toes too.
For heaven's sake, Hawkeye,
stop being such
a stickinthemud.
It's all just good,
clean fun.
(gasping)
Oh! Hot! Hot!
You are the lowest.
Water!
Me? What did I do?
Look at him.
You poisoned a priest.
Water!
I cannot believe
you'd be so insensitive.
I just can't believe it.
(gulps)
I I just can't believe it.
B.J.! B. J., you crumb!
Father, if you
want some water,
why didn't
you just ask?
(gasping)
Gee, that makes four.
Four from six is, uh, two.
Isn't it, Hawk?
How's that leg
feeling, Leightman?
Much better, sir.
You really did a terrific job.
Don't thank me, Private.
Thank all the little people
in government
who made this whole event
possible.
You know, it's almost worth
gettin' shot
just to get out of eatin'
that lousy field food.
Did you have the
pork chops tonight?
Huh?
Pork chops. Did you have
the pork chops tonight?
Uh, no.
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Oh, that's too bad.
I tell ya, they were
absolutely tremendous.
The best I've had
in the longest time.
Just like homecooked.
Mmm.
And that gravy was great.
Yeah, great.
Well, everything inside
seems to be beating in an
orderly fashion.
You should be twostepping
back to your unit in no time.
That's great, Doc.
Thanks.
My C. O. gave me this
genuine Cuban stogie.
I didn't have the heart
to tell him I don't smoke.
I'd like you to have it.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.
You know, it's a long time
since I've had a...
a good cigar.
I guess you thought I'd get
a real bang out of this, huh?
Hey, what are you...
Shame on you!
(laughs)
Nice.
Very nice. Very nice!
What was that all about?
Oh, just throwing cold water
on your little plan.
I can't believe you,
using a kid like that.
You probably even arranged
to have him shot.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Oh, of course not.
And what are you doing here?
These are my rounds.
I came to get this
to take it to the lab.
Oh.
You really should relax.
You're getting very edgy.
You'd like to think that,
wouldn't you?
I'm sorry, but I'm doing
just fine, thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I've got to fill out my reports.
I hope one of those
is a Section Eight for yourself.
Toodleoo.
Toodleoo.
Dr. Pierce?
(yelps)
What the hell are you doing?
Get away from me.
Sorry, Doctor,
I'm just here to observe.
I thought we might
make rounds together.
I already made
my rounds.
You go make yours,
and we'll compare notes.
Start down there
at the far end.
Pierce, have I done something
to offend you?
No. And you're not going to.
Please let me know if you
need anything, Dr. Yamato.
Thanks.
Yamato!
Hey! What are ya...
Somebody help me!
Yamato!
Pierce, help me!
This guy's crazy!
All right, come on.
A joke is a joke,
but not in postop!
Come on now!
Cut it out! Both of you!
Not me! Him!
Hey! Easy, easy!
This is not a good
doctorpatient relationship
here.
It's not even good acting.
He Japanese!
They steal my country,
enslave my people.
I have revenge!
Damn it.
I didn't invade your country.
Talk to my relatives, pal.
I'm from Bridgeport.
Okay, slugger, come on.
Okay.
Next time, Paul...
aha...
you better show him your
driver's license.
What is this?
I'm getting choked to death,
and your demented colleague
thinks I'm kidding.
Nice try, Beej.
I gotta hand it to ya,
the ploys are getting
sicker and sicker.
You stay put.
Hawk, I had nothing
to do with this.
Sure.
Believe me.
Neither did Paul.
Oh, right.
I'm going to believe a guy
who lied to a priest.
Boy, you are really something.
You have no shame at all.
And you stay away
from me, Dr. Yamato.
Or whoever you are.
(clattering)
Klinger, relax. It's me.
Just on my guard against
the crazy Captain Clodhoppers.
There's no way anybody's
gonna get in
or outta here
without my knowing.
You can't barricade yourself
in here till tomorrow morning.
Wrong, Sitting Duck.
I shall remain in my bunker
until his reign
of terror has ended.
A Klinger strips for no man.
I'm gonna live through this
if it kills me.
Yeah. Well, you can hide
if you want,
but he's not gonna make me
a prisoner of whoopee.
I admire your courage,
if not your intelligence.
Good luck.
You too.
(jangling)
(explosion)
What was that?
Are you all right!
How did he get in here?
How did he beat the bells?
The fiend is everywhere!
What happened?
I went to file away
your reports.
I opened the drawer,
and boom! Blitzkrieg!
Right in my face!
I could've been killed.
If this caught on fire,
the whole place could've
gone up with me in it.
I don't think he meant
to start a fire.
Even B. J. wouldn't
have done that.
You are saying
that a mad bomber
is incapable of arson?
He'll stop at nothing!
Klinger, come on. Relax.
He got you.
You're off the hook now.
He's not gonna
Not too close!
You're a walking time bomb.
He's saving the hideous
grand finale for you.
I don't wanna get within
a hundred feet of you!
Go away, go away!
He could strike anytime,
anyplace!
Okay, okay.
But I'm telling ya.
He's not gonna get me.
Go, go away!
Shoo, shoo!
(jangling)
Go, go!
Shoo, shoo!
(tapping floor)
(owl hoots)
(chattering)
Good morning, everybody.
(overlapping greetings)
May I join you,
or is this table reserved
only for B. J.
and his victims?
Nope. Anyone can sit here.
Please do, Hawkeye.
Always a good sport, Father.
That's nice.
Hello, Charles.
How good to see you back.
Yes.
My goodness.
I was only gone for a day.
Why do you look
a year older?
When was the last time
you slept?
Or ate?
That's why I thought
I'd drop by.
Time for a satisfying breakfast
of eggs and a strip of B. J.
Then I shall repair
to the safety of my tent
and sleep the sleep
of the victorious.
My, my,
Mr. CloseButNoCigar.
We're awfully quiet today.
Seems like only yesterday,
you were saying
that someone could get each
and every one of us
with a masterful joke
from someone's wornout
bag of tricks.
Hmm.
I guess the bag just
wasn't big enough, huh?
Well, nice try.
You got all the others,
but you didn't get me.
Well, now I I wouldn't
exactly say that.
What are you talking about,
Father? He got you.
He got you. He got you.
And you. And you.
He got everybody. I saw it.
Oh, really?
Did you actually see
the live snake in my bed?
Yes. Yes, right on the end
of the putter.
No, no. Dead.
And not actually in my bed.
Huh?
Did you taste
my toothpaste?
No.
Did you see my file
go blooey?
Or try my lunch?
Or see my tush?
You mean, he didn't get
any of you either?
Truth be known, Hawk,
the only one
that got got was you.
Me? You got me?
Well, not exactly
all by himself.
Hunnicutt's scheme was
so brilliantly conceived,
it was an honor
to be part of it.
It was fascinating
to watch you
turn into one
giant basket case
not knowing where or when
B. J. was gonna strike next.
My only regret was
that I wasn't actually here
to watch you disintegrate.
All right, but wait a second.
What about all that other stuff?
What about Igor and the beans?
And the kid with the cigar?
Now, they were real.
Just normal,
everyday gestures
by normal, everyday people
who didn't know it wasn't
a normal, everyday day
for a man whose imagination
was running wild.
How do you explain
your buddy Yamato?
I don't.
He was the doctor they sent
to replace Winchester,
and I happened
to know him.
I think you owe him
an explanation.
He thinks you're
out of your mind.
Well, there you have it, Hawk.
The best joke of all
was the joke that never came.
Okay, okay. I've been had.
Fine. I've tossed down
the gauntlet,
and you beat me up with it.
That's fine.
You had your fun.
Now it's over.
(all voicing disapproval)
I believe you have
some tablehopping to do.
Oh, come on, Beej.
(all shouting) Up, up, up!
KLINGER: Get up here.
POTTER: A deal's a deal.
"You're the Tops."
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
I can't hear you!
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
Now I can't see you,
Gypsy Rose.
Take it off, Hawkeye!
I wanna see some skin!
(raucous cheering)
♪ You're the tops,
you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're a smile
on the Mona Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a total wreck,
a worthless check ♪
♪ A flop ♪
♪ But if, baby,
I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the tops ♪
(cheering)
(alarm ringing)
Beej, you up?
Do I have to be?
Yeah.
You gotta make rounds.
Oh. Don't tell me
you slept
straight through
from yesterday afternoon.
Probably the longest time
I've spent in bed alone.
Oh.
Being humiliated
can wear you out.
That's what you get
for casting aspersions.
No hard feelings?
No, no.
I've met my match.
I'll never tangle
with the master again.
That's more like it.
(sighs)
(inhales)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (theme)