M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 5 - Wheelers and Dealers - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

(humming, vocalizing)

Hey, Klinger.
Here's the mail.

Great. Just set it down.

Thank you.
Nice to see you.

Hey, speedball.
Why the bum's rush?

Big poker game tomorrow.

I want to clean up here
so I can clean up there.

Poker, huh? I'm comin'
back this way tomorrow.

Mind if I stay
for a few rounds?

Fine by me.



Ah. I thought
I heard the mailman.

This month's TV payment.

Only two more,
and the Du Mont's ours.

I hope this TV fad
ain't over

before I get back home.

(chuckling)

Your money's safe
with me, sir.

And tomorrow, the rest
of it will be safe with me.

(vocalizing, humming)

(sighs)

How come
the premature burial?

Why bother opening it
when you know what it is?

Well, I don't
know what it is.

Why, lookee here.
Laundry inventory forms,



the very same ones
you've been waiting for
for three months.

I'll get right on it
as soon as the game is over.

Did you not promise
sameday service when
these forms came in?

No can do, sir.
This will take me three days.

By then,
the war will be over,

and I'll have to kiss
the game goodbye.

Pucker up, son.

In the words
of the immortal Bob Frost,

you have promises to keep

and "piles" to go
before you sleep.

Aw, sir.

Never put off
till tomorrow

what you oughta do today,

or you'll end up
putting off

your whole life away.

More Jack Frost?
Nope. My Grandma Mavis.

Works too hard
for the rhyme,

but the sentiment's
there.

What about the game?

Lad, Grandma Mavis's
best homily

went something
like this.

Do it!
That's an order.

Greetings.
Here's your stupid mail.

Ah. The only mailman
who bites dogs.

How would you feel
if some crummy paperwork

knocked you out of
tomorrow's poker game?

War is dirty business.

Aha. Peg's rum cookies.

So obscenely delicious,

they have to be sent
in a plain brown wrapper.

Who cares?
Want one?

Drown your sorrows.
Oh, no.

I'm not the kind of guy
that turns to cookies

the minute
things go wrong.

(knocking)
The colonel will see you now.

Ah, sir. I didn't realize

it was washday
at the O. K. Corral.

Yeah. This seat's getting
cracked and dried,

and so is mine.

Well, lad, I see you've
climbed out of the dumps.

Yes, sir. And here's
a notice from ICorps,

and it's got
your name on it.

Read it to me.
My hands have saddle sores.

It's a delinquency
report.

It seems that
one Sherman T. Potter

is charged with reckless
driving in Kimpo.

Sufferin' buffalo chips.

And I thought
I had sweettalked
that stupid lummox.

Goin' 25 in a 15mile zone.

Mildred's sister goes faster
than that with her walker.

Well, I know how
to pay my debt to society.

I'll just pencilwhip
this right outta here.

Sir, I'm shocked.
Every time before this,

you sent the violators off

to a day of remedial
driving school.

Don't you have a grindstone
to put your nose to?

Luckily for you,
there's a class tomorrow.

Shouldn't what's good
for the goose

be good
for the bird colonel?

Touché.
But sure as shootin'

I ain't takin'
that class tomorrow.

Book me a session
for after the poker game.

Poker game, sir?

You wouldn't put off
till tomorrow

what you oughta do today

and get Grandma Mavis
really steamed.

Okay. "Threeché."
I'll take the lousy class.

Grandma Mavis had a saying
for everything.

No wonder Grandpa Wilmer
stomped on his hearing aid.

(vocalizing)

Oh! Aren't those
the cookies

you can't eat
without an I. D.?

Yeah. Rum cookies.
You want one?

(muffled)
Mm. Thank you. Mm!

Where indigestion
meets inebriation.

Mmhmm.

You know, for somebody

thousands of miles
from home

doing what he hates,

you seem
down in the dumps.

Peg's gotta take a job

as a hostess
at Papanek's Coffee Shop.

Oh, yeah?
What's the problem?

Is that kind of
a rough place?

No. We used to eat there
all the time.

So do our friends who she
will now be waiting on.

Aha. So why is she doing it?

It's called paying off
our second mortgage,

which is due in six months.

So what do you
want her to do,

sell the house
and move in with us?

Aw, you don't understand.

She put me
through med school.

Now it's supposed
to be my turn

so she can stay home
and take care of Erin.

By now I'm supposed
to be in practice,

the second mortgage
a memory.

We didn't plan
on my hanging up
my shingle in Korea.

Look, it's not
gonna be forever.

I'm talking about now.

It's bad enough for Erin
to be without a father.

Now she doesn't have
a mother.

I feel like
I've let them down.

You didn't let them down.

You just got caught
in the draft.

I could've gotten
out of the draft,
like Ned Gradinger.

Big allAmerican hero
from Stanford.

Medical deferment,

signed by that eminent
physician Ned Gradinger, Sr.,

who offered the same to me,
but I was a good guy.

Next war, we'll know better.
We'll sign each other's.

Whatever happened to the rules?
Let the other guy go first.

Keep your elbows off the table.
Share your toys.

And life will reward you.
Well, life is a crock.

Now, you "gentlemens"
are new to the army,

or in other words, dumb.

But when you leave here,
you will know this jeep

like it was a kissin' cousin.

And you will know
the rules of the road

so good that,
when you're dead,

you will still qualify
for a license.

Now...
Sir.

Well, well, well.
What have we here?

Looks like Private Brown

waltzin' in here
a minute late.

What do you got to say
for yourself, Brown?

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't like your attitude.

Why don't you just drop
for 10?

And let me hear you pant,
dogface.

Attention!
At ease.

Trouble here, Sergeant?
Uh, no, sir.

Slight disciplinary problem.
On your feet, Brown!

Next time you're late,
you're gonna do 'em
onehanded.

Can I "hep" you, sir?

Afraid so.
I'm one of your pupils.

You, sir?

Traffic ticket.
Sorry I'm late.

Late? You?
Why, you're not late, sir.

You're just fashionable.

Matter of fact, you don't
need to be here at all.

You could pencilwhip
this thing right on through.

How dare you?
I would never think
of such a thing.

Oh, well,
neither would I.

Look, Sergeant,
I don't want any
special treatment.

As far as you're concerned,
I'm just one of the boys.

Well, sir,
the rest of these boys

don't have the power
to bust me.

You will treat me
like one of the boys,

or I'll bust you.

Yes, sir, boy.

Sir.

From this point on,

I will be referrin'
to this Jeep

as a "veehicle."

For those of you
who are not familiar
with this term,

say it with me.

Veehicle.
Veehicle.

CHARLES:
Three threes.

MULCAHY: I thought
you had that third trey.

You were wise to jump ship
when you did, Father.

You should have taken
your own advice, Major.

Three queens.

Always have been
a ladies' man.

It's people like you
that give repugnance
a bad name.

Take it easy, Charles.
You're not the only one
whose chips are down.

Yeah, where's your
sportsmanship?

Take a lesson
from the pigeon there.

Down 30 bucks
and still a gentleman.

Yeah, I'm a real good guy.

And so, it is important
to remember

that on all Korean
thoroughfares,

the right of way
goes to the animal.

There is a reason for this.

If you run over
somebody's chicken,

not only does Uncle Sam
have to pay for that bird,

but for all the eggs
he would have laid.

That can run into money,
and I don't mean chicken feed.

(softly) Colonel.

(singsong)
Colonel Potter.

Huh?
Good morning, sir.

I hope you didn't get up
on the wrong side
of your chair.

I wasn't asleep.
I heard every word you said.

Well, good. Good.

That concludes today's
lecture:

"The Army Driver:
Ambassador with a Clutch."

Thank you and good day.

Colonel, ain't you stayin'
for the written test?

The what?

Oh, you don't have
to take it.

A man that's been around
the block as much as you

must have done it
a few times in a car.

(lowered voice)
I can "hep."

You just sign your name
to the book.

I'll take care
of the rest.

Sergeant,
you are buttering me up

like I was a Sunday biscuit.

I'll take the test,
and I don't need any "hep."

Well, I'll open. Two bits.

How jesuitically safe.
I'll see that

and raise you two more bits.

I'll see you.
Fold. These cards stink.

Up another two bits.
Six bits? Forget it.

I can get a shave
and a haircut three times.

You're up, "Fadder."
Fifty cents to you.

Well, we all have our vices.
Mine's curiosity.

Call.
Anybody want some cards?

I have a very nice
"Get well soon."

"Best wishes to
the lucky graduate."

Two.

Two cards. There you go.

What I need
is a sympathy card.

Four.

Oh. Clearance sale.

There you go.
I'll just play these.

I got out just in time.

Standin' pat, huh?

You must be hostin'
a royal reception.

Give me two.

Aone and atwo.

You're up, Father.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

While you play poker,
I'm gonna switch to gin.

Check.
Check.

A buck.

Fold.
It's not your turn.

I'm avoiding the rush.

A buck, huh?

I'll see your buck
and bump you another.

El foldo.

Okay, pal.

How about a couple of bucks?

Two bucks, huh?

Listen, now that the kids
are in bed,

why don't we play
like grownups?

Let's say, 10 bucks.

Hey! I thought
we had a limit.

Limits are so limiting,
Margaret.

This is between him and me.

Your, uh, 10 bucks.

And I'll raise you...

20.

Well, this is
real interesting.

I see your 20

and raise you 20 more.

Wow. I think I once saw
Joel McCrea do this.

B.J.:
Twenty. Is that all?

There's your 20.

And 35 more.

And this oughta make it
an even hundred.

Joel McCrea never did that.
B. J.!

Of course, he was single.

A hundred bucks, huh?

What the hell?
What would I do
with a ring anyway?

I ain't gettin' married.

Not too bad
for a good loser.

Hey, kids. I don't know
about you, but I'm famished.

What do you say we go
out and get some Jujubes
and Milk Duds, huh?

before the next feature?

You crazy?
Nobody's goin' anywhere.

How about a little fivecard
stud? Nothing wild.

Except the dealer.

All right! Listen up,
scum and sir,

while I recite
your test scores.

Castaldi, 94.

Brown, 94.

I knew I shouldn't have
put the two of you together.

Rackman, 89.
Potter, sir...

Ooh, how about
this weather?

What's my grade, Sergeant?
Sir, uh...

I'm of the opinion
that people put

far too much emphasis
on grades.

What is my grade, Sergeant?

Or did someone say Corporal?

Oh. Well, uh...
Twentysix, sir.

Twentysix!

Out of a hundred?
Oh, no, no, no!

Twentysix out of 30.

I only graded you
on the material that
you was awake for.

I've about had enough
of this folderol.

I understand, sir.
There is no place

in this man's army
for folderol.

Potter, 92.
Eightysix that 92!

And you cut out
that "rotten applepolishing"!

What's standard operating
procedure for someone

who took a wrong turn
on the written test?

Well, what's standard, sir,

is that nobody
ever flunked before.

(mutters)

How about a makeup test
first thing in the morning?

Good idea, sir.

Make up your own test.
Bet you get a hundred.

I mean you make up a test,
and I'll pass it!

Some people just can't be
bought.

Well, how was school,
Colonel Hot Rod?

How'd you like to get yourself
whupped by the class bully?

Just a little
"lower rank humor," sir.

Here are the laundry
inventories.

I burned the midnight oil
at both ends.

Now, if I could have
your signature...

I'll be shuffling off
to the poker game.

Freeze those feet.

You're not goin' anywhere,
doughboy.

You're gonna bring
your fanny into my tent

and help me prepare
for a makeup test.

Sir, it's been a long time
since I wore makeup.

A makeup driver's test,
doofus.

I, uh, flunked
the first goaround.

Flunked? Nobody's ever
done that before, sir.

Even "Peanut Brain" Hoffman
squeaked through.

Since you find Hot Rod's
problem so funny,

I'm gonna give you a chance
to laugh the night away.

You're gonna be my tutor.
But, sir, the poker game.

I'm afraid
you just folded, ace.

I'll raise you 10 bucks.

If that's too rich
for your blood, Margaret,
just drop out.

Yeah. Nothin' personal, Major.
This is a man's game.

How would you like
the next hand to be
in your face?

I can't remember
when I've had such
a pleasant evening.

First time
I've ever seen poker

played with the Marquis
of Queensberry rules.

Hey, Beej, we're all out
of pretzels.

What do you say we break out
Peg's hundredproof cookies?

What do you say we don't?

Yeah. Well, I guess
it's just as well.

I think we've all had enough.

Come on, Margaret.
You in or out?

I think you're full
of bluff.

Cost you 10 bucks
to find out.

Sold.
I'll pay to see that show.

Read 'em and weep.
Three aces which makes you
two fools.

Don't you just love
a sore winner?

That's it.
I've had enough fun
for tonight.

Okay. What about a little
sevencard stud

for the rest of us?

No, thanks. I'm gonna
try and find something

a little more civilized,
like a cockfight.

Hawk, you in?
No, I don't think so, Beej.

It's gettin' kinda late.

Besides, I want to get
over to Rosie's.

The marines are having
a "bottle eating" contest.

Suit yourself.
How 'bout you, Father?

If you don't mind,
deal me out

before I have to float
a loan from the poor box.

Aha. Verbanic, that leaves
you and me together again.

I don't think so, doc.

Your luck is runnin'
a little wild for me.

It wasn't luck, courier boy.
I beat the pouch off you.

I'm down 150 zops.

But don't worry.
I'll be ready for you
next payday.

I'll cover you. Come on.
I thought we had a game here.

Hey, Beej, the game's over.

Sure.
Everybody wants to play

when it's lovable
Doc Hunnicutt,
gentleman loser.

But let me win a few,
it's like I committed a crime.

Cash me in, Father.
What has gotten into you?

You don't like it? Tough!

Go play with somebody else,
doc.

I don't believe in gambling.

I sink all my spare dough

into chain letters.
Cheers.

Well, fellow 'cruits,
the army done taught us
how to drive.

Now they gonna teach us
how to drink.

Three beers, mac.

Hey, Brown. They got
a pinball machine.

All right.

Geez, they're gettin' younger
every day.

I don't know what's greener,
them or their uniforms.

I'll deliver those.

Okay, but if you get
a tip, it's mine.

(clattering, ringing)

Here you go, fellas.
Three beers.

Say, this is
some officers club.

You guys even
serve here, huh?

Not too bad, Private.
After you've finished,

how about giving me
a chance to beat you?

Sure thing.
But I'll tell ya,

I think I got
this machine's number.

I'm not too bad
with numbers myself.

How's a dollar sound?

(sighs)
What?

Just to make the game
a little more interesting.

Well, I thought you said
this was a friendly game.

Whatever you say, friend.

I'll spot you
a thousand points.

Oh, well, why not?

I always wanted
an officer's pay.

All right.

Who's gonna play winner?

(yawning)

"What do you do when you
come to a school bus
that's stopped

and has its lights flashing?"

You stop,
and you tell the kids

to watch out for mines
at the crosswalk.

What is the point
of all this anyway?

A fat lot of good
it's gonna do me
in a war zone!

It's the only manual
the army has.
One test fits all.

Oh, sure.
Same logic applies
to skivvies.

Next question.

"What is the minimum
braking distance

for a vehicle traveling
at 25 miles per hour?"

Wait a minute!
I know this!

Don't help me!
Don't help me!

Oh! I give up with
these stupid numbers.

What is it?

61.4
Feet!

I'll give you half credit
for that one, sir.

Can we stop now?
We've been going
at this all night.

No. Ask me
another question.

And if it's got a number
in it, yours is up.

"Suppose you're traveling
TEN miles an hour"...

(ringing, clattering)
(B. J. muttering)

There you go!
(muttering continues)

(shouts)
Damn.

Captain, what are you
getting so excited about?

You beat the socks off me.
Here's your dime.

Come on, come on.
One more game.

I'll give you a chance
to win your 30 cents back.

But it's late, Captain.
Igor wants to close up.

Who cares what he wants?
I'm doing what I want
for a change.

Come on. Let's play.
I don't think so.

Are you okay?
Yeah.

I'm fine.
Good night, Lieutenant.

Doc, I'm glad to see you.

There's something
a little weird about him.

He keeps trying
to take everybody
for nickels.

You think you can
get him outta here?
I wanna close up.

Yeah. You go ahead.
I'll do it.

Thanks.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for B. J. Hunnicutt.

Don't bother me.
I'm busy.

Maybe you know him.

About 6'4", mustache,
big chip on his shoulder.

Oh, yeah. Big, sweet lug.
What's wrong with that?

Next you'll be telling me
the meek shall inherit
the earth.

What are you doing?
You can't pay the mortgage
with nickels.

So what?
What's with you, Hunnicutt?

Now I hear
you're hustling pinball?

If you didn't come in
to play, leave me alone.

That goes for you too.

Pardon us for living,
Diamond Jim.

Look, Beej. Hey! Hey, listen!
Come on! Come on!

Bad news from home
is no excuse

to start acting
like public enemy
number one.

Bad news? What is it?
It's none of your business.

Is it serious?
He thinks it is.

And you don't?
No. No. Excuse me.

But if we're talking
about disasters,

I don't think
Peg's taking a job

is right up there with
the San Francisco earthquake.

Why don't you get on
the P. A.

and tell the whole camp
about it?

Is that the problem?
Your wife got a job?

Look, Beej, believe me.
We're on your side.

We understand.
I don't.

All of this is because
a woman had to go to work?

Why don't you just
butt out?

Why doesn't everybody
just butt the hell out?

I'd love to.

I'd love to butt my way
all the way back to Maine.

But we're all stuck here
just like you.

No, you're not.
Nobody is stuck here
just like me.

Certainly not you.

While you're here,
all of you is here.

While I'm here,
most of me is back home.

When this little
police action is over,

you can go back to Crabapple
Cove and pick up your life

just by picking up
your date book.

And you. Tell me you know
what it feels like

to have your child
grow up without parents.

Tell me you know what it feels
like even to have a child.

How dare you?
How dare you stand there

acting like your brand
of suffering

is worse than anybody else's?

I guess that's the only
way you can justify

treating the rest of us
like dirt.

Let me tell you something,
Sad Sack.

If the worst thing
that's happened to you

is that your pretty
little wife

has to help pay the bills
for a while,

don't come to me for sympathy.

Maybe you do have
the most to lose,

but that's only because
you've got the most.

Well, go on.
It's your turn.

I don't think
I can improve on that.

All right! Listen up

while I read
the following grades!

Rizzo, I'm in a class
by myself.

Let's get to it.
Congratulations, Colonel.

You get to keep your license,
and I get to keep my stripes.

Ninetyeight!
Hot diggety!

Emma Potter
didn't raise no fools.

Thank you, Sergeant.

You've been a font
of automotive info.

I'll be going now.

Colonel, nobody'd like
that better than I would.

But there is the slight matter
of the road test.

Road test?

I mean ride test.

I take you for a ride.

You look at the scenery.

I bet you do real good
on that.

Sergeant, no wonder

your breath smells
from Shinola.

I've been driving
since I was six!

Now step aside

and let me
at that veehicle.

Waiter, there's a clerk
in these eggs.

I knew sooner or later
this food would take a life.

Klinger, what do you
think you're doing?

Are you all right?

Klinger, get up.
Do yourself a favor.

Go have breakfast in bed.

Oh, sorry. I was busy

teaching night school
all night.

There, but for the grace
of God goes my dog.

(tires screeching)

POTTER:
Look out, you idiot!

You dunce!

What do you think
you were doing,
sleepwalking?

I was until you woke me, sir.

Now you made me flunk
the damn road test.

Flunk? Perish the thought.

Colonel, it was real
quickwitted

the way you missed
hittin' that pedestrian

without undue wear and tear
on the brakes.

'Sides, crates never have
the right of way.

Sergeant,
that's the worst bunch of
malarkey I've ever heard.

But it'll have to do.
(both laughing)

Come on.
Are you okay?

Just fine, sir.
We didn't hit you, you know.

You'd think,
before they serve this,

they'd at least
dust it.

And remove all the flavor?

Morning, folks.
Mind if I sit down?

Why, Beej, how can you ask?
Of course we do.

Well, we all have to sit
someplace.

In case you're having trouble

getting your eggs down,
these are Peg's rum cookies.

How much?
They're on the house.

I'm still full from last night's
serving of humble pie.

I don't know.
Rum cookies before 5:00?

Please, go on.
I was taught to share.

I guess I can drink to that.
Hear! Hear!

Oh.
Mmm Delicious.

Boy, you never give
up with the cards,
do you, slim?

Nah. Once you've been bitten
by the gambling bug,

you're hooked for life.

You got any sixes?
Go fish.

Ah! Haha!

I got it! I win!
You owe me 10.

One, two...

It's a good thing I got a wife
who works in a coffee shop.

These mints don't grow
on trees, you know.

Okay, highranking pigeons!

It's poker time.
The colonel's getting
ready to leave.

And while the top cat's away,
the clerk wants to play.

No. Sorry, Klinger.

Go Fish and chips
don't mix.

Aw, great.
I oughta stick to pool.

But it's so hard
to shuffle those balls.

What do you mean
the colonel's getting
ready to leave?

Where's he going?

He's giving a lecture
at the 8063rd.

(hoofbeats galloping)

Giddyap, Sophie,
and no speeding.

♪♪♪ (theme)