M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 6 - Communication Breakdown - full transcript
Stop the presses! Charles has just received a load of newspapers from back home and the camp, being without a newspaper for weeks, are determined to share Charles'. He is reluctant, but agrees--only after he's read them all of course. But when he finds a newspaper missing, he wages war on the camp and they, in turn, wage a war of practical jokes on him.
♪♪♪ (theme)
Okay! Okay!
Listen up! Mail call!
Get 'em while they're hot!
What's the story
with the newspapers?
I ain't seen
a Wall Street Journal
for two weeks.
Nothing's changed.
There's still
no secondclass mail.
(all groaning,
overlapping chatter)
Don't start up with me again.
Snow and sleet is one thing,
kneeing the mailman
is a federal offense.
Hold your water, folks.
There's no reason
to kill the messenger.
He's been calling all over
trying to track down
those periodicals.
Besides, this is nothing.
Back in WWI,
I went 19 Saturdays
without an Evening Post.
(all groaning, chattering)
Thank you, sir. That story
never fails to move me.
MAN: So what's the poop?
The only lead so far
is that all secondclass
mail to South Korea
might have been sent
to South Dakota.
(all groaning)
Leesman.
Look, we're all
suffering from this.
For me, the worst of it is
that Li'l Abner was just
about to pop the question
to Daisy Mae.
For all I know, they're
already postnuptializing
in the honeymoon suite
of the Dogpatch Hilton.
Papazian!
Mercer, Foytack, Margolese.
Oh, Major Winchester,
package for you, sir.
Ah! Klinger, your
timing is perfect.
What's in there, sir?
Ahahah.
Curiosity
killed the clerk.
Moran. Potter.
(rattling)
Sounds
like those macaroons
the missus promised you,
sir.
Thank goodness they're not
rerouting the vittles.
If only these were
fortune cookies,
we'd have something
to read too.
Yarborough!
(chuckling)
(sighs)
(chuckling)
(hums)
(slurps)
Charles!
Morning, Hunnicutt.
Trust you slept well.
I'm not finished yet,
so stop slurping
and snapping
your newspaper.
Newspaper?
Great!
We're back on the army's
paper route again.
I'll finally get last month's
issue of Nude Volleyball.
(chuckles)
Any minute now,
I'll see Brunhilda
come bouncing in here.
(laughs) Put your libido
on hold, Pierce.
I'm afraid your
secondclass mail
is still stacked up
over NoMan'sLand.
How come you got a newspaper?
Because the Boston Globe
does not travel second class.
I have a week's worth
sent from home
parcel post
by my sister Honoria
along with other
necessities of life.
A week's worth?
Imagine, Beej.
Little us, actually tent mates
with a great humanitarian
with newspapers to share.
He's more than a humanitarian,
he's a saint.
He's more than a saint,
he's a fast reader.
I got dibs
on the sports section.
I want the crossword puzzle.
Gentlemen!
Hey, hey, hey!
Or should I say "children"?
When, and only when,
I have finished
this entire newspaper
you may have it.
That should be in
about an hour, two.
That's fine. It'll probably
take us that long
to read all these
others over here.
No one will touch
any newspaper
until I have read it
first page to last.
And I read one,
and only one, per day.
Charles
What is this,
the Korean newspaper torture?
You can read one a day.
Just let us read
these others first.
Gentlemen, tea
and an unthumbed newspaper
are among the few remnants
of civilization
that enable me
to face the day
here in hell's outhouse.
I refuse to give them up
simply because you suddenly
find yourselves
with nothing to read.
You have a choice:
one per day or none per day.
Oh, great!
I suppose we'll have to
scrub before we read them.
(chuckles)
That'd be ludicrous.
All I ask is that
this remain our secret.
We don't want to be disturbed
by hordes of little readers.
You will excuse me.
I have an appointment
with Joseph Alsop.
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention all personnel.
Triage in the compound.
We have the finalists
in the shrapnelcatching
contest.
Sorry, Charles, we'll have
to interrupt your newspaper
for some latebreaking
bones.
Well.
NURSE: Emergency!
Emergency over here.
Bandages over here.
B.J.: Nurse!
Another North Korean.
Bad chest wound.
Hi, there!
I hope the fact that I'm
on the side that shot you
won't strain our
doctorpatient relationship.
Good morning,
Doctor and Mrs. America
and all the ships at sea.
(imitates fanfare)
Dateline, Dogpatch.
Highly placed sources
at ICorps have learned
that Li'l Abner and Daisy Mae
have tied the knot!
(cheers)
Rats.
I've missed the wedding
of the century.
Well, come on, Klinger.
Fill us in.
It's seems Li'l Abner vowed
he would only get married
if his ideal,
Fearless Fosdick,
would do it first.
What, pray tell,
is a "Fearless Fosdick"?
Everybody knows
he's the gumshoe
with the ventilated
head, doofus.
And you call yourself
wellread?
Well, anyway,
Fearless got married,
so, naturally,
Li'l Abner did too.
But the next day,
it turned out
that Fosdick's marriage
was a dream.
Unfortunately,
for Li'l Abner,
it was real.
Oh, no.
I'm sure it's for the best.
That Daisy Mae
is a woman of quality.
I'll bet she even
had her feet shined
for the wedding.
Did your highly placed
sources tell you
where our lousy
newspapers are?
Sorry, folks,
there's no news tonight.
(all groaning)
But fear not.
For your reading enjoyment,
I'm hot on the trail
of a complete unabridged
library of army manuals.
(booing)
Okay. It's okay.
It's nothing. Believe me.
If I don't get something
to read soon,
I'll go crazy.
Now, Major, in times
of stress we have to,
you know, tough it out.
Beej, have you noticed
how really well
Charles is bearing up
under the strain?
Isn't he amazing?
He doesn't make an issue.
So relaxed.
He's really showing us
what he's made of.
Gentlemen, I suggest
that both of you
tend to your knitting.
Do you read me?
Uh, retraction.
Not you.
Ha! Father!
Ha! Imagine running
into you
sitting here reading
my paper.
Oh, yes. I was walking by
and, to my surprise,
I saw it lying there
on your bunk.
Couldn't resist
catching up on the news.
(chuckles)
I hope you don't mind.
Mind? No Mind?
Why on earth should I mind?
Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable inside.
Light's better.
Oh, no.
It's such a lovely day.
That's
why I came outside.
Say, how did you
get hold of this?
The paper?
I received some fish.
It was wrapped up in this.
Why don't you come inside,
Father?
I'll make you some tea.
Oh, well,
that would be lovely.
(chuckles)
Father!
Where did you get
that newspaper?
Could I have
the fashion section?
Well, actually,
it belongs
to Major Winchester,
but I'm sure he wouldn't
mind parting with it.
Would you, Major?
(Whimpers)
It's funny, you know?
It doesn't even
smell fishy.
Well, lookee here!
It's been so long,
I wouldn't swear to it
but that looks a lot
like a newspaper!
It's Major Winchester's.
He was kind enough
to ask us in
to browse through it.
Well, mighty Samaritan
of you, Winchester.
Don't mind helpin' myself
to the funnies.
Here.
Ho! Ha!
Hey, look at this!
A newspaper!
Hey! Where'd they get
a newspaper?
(murmuring)
Hey, give me the classifieds!
I need a job.
Let me see Louella Parsons.
(chattering)
Enough.
That's enough! Enough!
This is my newspaper.
I will not have it
passed around
like a bottle of cheap wine.
Major! Surely,
if you're fortunate enough
to have a newspaper,
you're not going
to withhold it
from these people.
ALL: Yeah!
(chattering)
All right! All
All right. Since you've
asked so nicely,
I suppose
we have to compromise.
When, and only when,
I have read each day's paper
Each?
Each?
How many papers do you have?
Fess up, Major.
Are you hoarding newsprint?
Just how many of these
"fish wrappers" are there?
Well, wouldn't you know.
As luck would have it,
I have one, two,
maybe seven.
Seven!
Seven newspapers?
You creep!
I am so glad
you are all here.
I was just about to announce
my "Share the Newspaper"
crusade.
All I ask is the right
of first perusal.
After I have read
each day's paper,
I will then make it available
to the general public.
One day, one paper.
Doesn't that seem
a tidy arrangement?
Well, that seems
fair enough.
Okay, folks. I guess the
tarandfeatherin' party
is over.
You all go on
about your business,
and I'll see to it
that each and every one
of you gets an eyeful.
Yeah, well, I just hope so.
Don't worry about it.
You will.
And here we have
Private Kim,
our foreign exchange prisoner.
Aigo! Aigo!
Okay. Okay. Take it easy.
Where does he think
he's going?
Aigo is Korean for "ouch."
Unfortunately,
it's a common word
heard every day
around the war.
Give him his morphine.
It's in the medicine cabinet.
We hide it behind
the Wildroot Cream Oil.
So what do you think?
Should I ask her to the prom?
(speaking Korean)
Well, with that kind
of attitude, no wonder
you can't get a date.
Look, just take it easy.
In a couple of days,
you'll be fine.
(speaking Korean)
Keep that up, you'll
stay home New Year's too.
(speaking Korean)
Doctor, I'm Lieutenant Yook.
My men and I are here
to guard our prisoners.
Oh! Good.
Just in the nick of time.
Keep your eye
on that one.
This morning,
he almost sat up.
They will stay here
until they are
well enough to move,
then we take them
to prison camp.
Well, I guess
it beats staying
in the hot city
all summer.
Where can I find
your commanding officer?
Probably in the mess tent.
You can't miss it.
It's big, green,
smells like New Jersey.
(speaking Korean)
(speaking Korean)
HAWKEYE: Hey, hey, hey!
The butt stops here.
Just Uh
(humming)
(growls, blows)
Hey!
You're not authorized to use
Stay out of this, fur face,
or this is gonna
be your lunch!
Here, sit down, Major.
May I get you
something cool to drink?
Turn this on.
Okay.
Action.
Huh?
Attention, all vermin!
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
I have just discovered
the untimely disappearance
of my May 5 issue
of the Boston Globe
which has obviously
been pilfered
by some member of the
pernicious race of lowlife
which infests
this pig mire.
Furthermore, I consider
no one in this camp
above suspicion
with the possible exception
of that 80% of you
who are incapable of reading
the English language.
Thus, I retract my previous
magnanimous offer,
and none of you cretins
will lay one slimy paw
on any of my papers
until the missing issue
is returned!
Thank you. Thank you.
(all groaning)
Can I have some, uh...
Help yourself
to some breakfast
before we lowlifes
steal it all!
Hell hath no fury
like pernicious vermin
scorned.
Charles, you just put
a whole shoe store
in your mouth.
Winchester, just a hunch
Will Rogers
never met you, did he?
(sighs)
Doctor
I was just wondering
when the prisoners
will be well enough
to travel.
What's the rush?
You'll get your fists
on them soon enough.
The one with
the stomach wound,
he does not look good
to me.
Yeah, well, that's
a funny side effect
with people who have
holes in their bellies:
they tend not
to look too good.
But he seem
Look, as long as
your prisoner
is my patient,
any medical information
concerning him
is none of your
damned business.
That patient is in more
danger than you know.
What are you
talking about?
His kidneys,
they are not strong.
How do you know?
When he was a small boy,
he was very sick.
He is my brother.
He's your brother?
My real name is also Kim.
We grew up in the north,
in Pyongyang.
My father,
he knew war was coming,
so he sent me to live
in the South.
Why wouldn't your father
want to keep the whole
family together?
He did not know
which side would win
or which side would lose.
By placing a son
on each side,
he knew one of us would be
on the side of victory
and would be able
to carry on the family name.
A 5050 chance of survival.
What a way to hedge your bet.
I do not know if any have
survived but my brother.
He is the first one
I have seen in almost
two years.
You mean you haven't
even talked to him yet?
No. That is not possible.
If I am seen talking
to him,
it may appear
to my lieutenant
that I am a spy
sent by the north.
And if other prisoners see
my brother talking to me,
they will think
he is a traitor
and kill him
in prison camp.
Can't even talk
to your own brother.
I would tell you
none of this,
except I must be sure
he is taken care of.
Why didn't your brother
tell me about his condition?
He does not trust you.
In the north, we are taught
to hate all Americans.
I beg you not to reveal
this to anyone.
No, I won't tell
anybody. I promise.
I must go.
I've already put my brother
in too much danger.
(whistling)
Hey! Hey! What are you
Hey! Come on!
(grunts) Oh! Hey!
A brother's biggest problem
ought to be
who Dad liked best.
Uhhuh.
I mean, can you imagine
being in the same room
with your own brother
and you can't even say
"Hi! How've you been?
By the way, is the rest
of the family still alive?"
Look,
before you get any idea
about getting in the middle
of this, don't.
Why not?
Because there's a good chance
you might get them
both shot.
When I come to you
for advice,
why do you always
give me logic?
WOMAN: Whoo!
How are you?
(clears throat)
Well, well!
News travels fast.
Charles, you didn't tell me
you were in the paper.
Is that the missing one?
No. It's yesterday's.
This prank is obviously
the work of mindless boobs,
and I will get you
and Pierce for this!
As ashamed as I am
to admit it, Charles,
we're innocent.
Ha! Then who is
responsible for this?
You can narrow it down
to anybody
after yesterday's
blistering radio editorial.
Pig mire residents
have feelings too, ya know.
Given the nature
of the wrong done to me,
I felt that the rhetoric
fit the crime.
All I know is if I had a rope
dealership around here,
I'd be a millionaire.
Charles, why don't you
get back on the P. A.,
which, in this case,
stands for "public apology"?
For what possible purpose?
Well, you just
might get your robe
and newspaper back.
Ha! Firstly, eh,
I don't need a robe.
I bought a lovely
kimono in Tokyo
for my sister Honoria.
Secondly (grunts)
the newspaper is
no longer the issue.
Revenge is the issue.
Charles, I'm warning you,
bury the hatchet
before they use it
to chop you to bits.
Never! I did not fire
the first shot
in this news war,
but rest assured,
I shall fire the last!
CHARLES (on P. A.):
It is 3 a. m.
and time to play
your favorite game show
"Tit For Tat."
Given the juvenile behavior
of all you bad
little boys and girls,
I just know you're
all going to enjoy
the following selection.
♪♪♪ ("Here We Go Round
the Mullberry Bush")
MAN: Knock that off!
Shut that off!
(overlapping shouting)
How much longer
is this gonna go on?
(yawns)
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
It'll all blow over
after they kill him.
You guys were lucky
to be on sedatives.
You didn't have to hear
the blues in the night.
(speaking Korean)
(repeats Korean word)
I guess. I don't know.
You know, you don't
have to worry about the food.
Believe me, if it was poisoned,
it would taste much better.
(speaking Korean)
(clears throat)
Oh!
You look very Japanese,
Major.
Do you speak the language?
Of course not.
(speaking Japanese)
(chuckles)
Oh!
(chuckles)
♪♪♪ (humming)
(scoffing)
Hunnicutt.
Hmm? Oh, Charles.
Somebody was here
for you,
but I made darn sure
they didn't touch
one of your newspapers.
(scoffs)
I'll get you.
I will get you all
for this
if I have to steal
a B29!
(screams)
I don't know,
but it shouldn't
be too hard
to find a man who's
trying to hide a B29
under his kimono.
(laughter)
Maybe we should put
our tents in a circle.
This must come to an end.
Vengeance is best
left to the Lord.
Besides, I can't
get into my tent
for all of Winchester's
belongings.
(laughter)
Don't worry about it, Father.
You're being martyred
for a good cause.
Well, you can laugh,
but there's no place
to kneel in there.
(laughter)
MARGARET: You can come
to my place, Father.
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
(engine revs)
(revving engine)
Before you take
that tent
for a spin, Major,
read this!
(mouths words)
If you'd have just gotten
off your big vendetta
and moved on to
your next day's paper,
you'd have saved us all
a lot of aggravation!
POTTER (on P. A.): Attention,
people, and that's an order.
I've had it up to my
baby blues with all of ya.
Not only am I
putting the whoaNelly
on this tomfoolery,
I'm demanding
an official apology
from the person
who started it all
in the first place!
(cheering)
I didn't start I didn't
Yeah. Well, uh
(clears throat)
It would seem that I have
made an unfortunate
although completely
understandable, error.
Uh, it seems that the May 5
issue of the Boston Globe,
which I logically assumed
to have been stolen,
was, in fact,
not delivered that day
to certain areas due to
a wildcat trucker strike.
(chattering)
I hope you all
find that as wry
and amusing as I do.
(chuckles) Well, since
we're all anxious to forget
this harmless
little incident
and return to
our normal routine,
I guess that's all
there is to say.
Now may I please have
my clothing back?
(laughter)
Now, seeing as how we've
all been chomping
at the bit for the news,
I'm just gonna take a page
from that Fiorello fellow.
Now, then,
here's Li'l Abner.
In the first picture,
we see Ab
and a beautiful Daisy Mae
in her bridal outfit
shorts, halter, and a veil,
as she finally gets
to utter
those immortal words
she's been waiting
so long to say:
"I does."
(laughter)
Moving on to the second
picture, we got
Major, close your robe!
(laughter)
No, no, no.
Nothing to worry about.
This won't even tickle.
It's okay.
Doctors, come quickly!
There's something
wrong here!
What's the matter?
What is it?
He's bleeding
into his belly.
We better get him
to O .R. right now.
Gurney!
He's gonna need
a lot of blood.
Better be
the right type.
You! You know
your blood type?
Blood type? "A"!
Perfect. Cross match 'em
to make sure.
You may have one less
prisoner to take in.
Come with me, please.
Okay, let's get
that needle in right away.
I do not understand.
The needle isn't
Shh! Lie quietly.
We don't wanna
disturb the neighbors.
(speaking Korean)
Talk to your brother.
Tell him he's fine...
and anything else
you wanna tell him.
Thank you, doctor.
(speaking Korean)
(sighs)
Unless you need something
else, sir, I'll be leaving.
I'm fine, thank you, Igor.
And thank you for keeping
the mess tent open for me.
After that heartfelt
apology, Major,
what else could I do?
Hey, Igor,
what's this doing here?
Search me.
Boy! Some people think
this is just a parking lot.
(engine starts)
(cracking, ripping)
(screams)
♪♪♪ (theme)
Okay! Okay!
Listen up! Mail call!
Get 'em while they're hot!
What's the story
with the newspapers?
I ain't seen
a Wall Street Journal
for two weeks.
Nothing's changed.
There's still
no secondclass mail.
(all groaning,
overlapping chatter)
Don't start up with me again.
Snow and sleet is one thing,
kneeing the mailman
is a federal offense.
Hold your water, folks.
There's no reason
to kill the messenger.
He's been calling all over
trying to track down
those periodicals.
Besides, this is nothing.
Back in WWI,
I went 19 Saturdays
without an Evening Post.
(all groaning, chattering)
Thank you, sir. That story
never fails to move me.
MAN: So what's the poop?
The only lead so far
is that all secondclass
mail to South Korea
might have been sent
to South Dakota.
(all groaning)
Leesman.
Look, we're all
suffering from this.
For me, the worst of it is
that Li'l Abner was just
about to pop the question
to Daisy Mae.
For all I know, they're
already postnuptializing
in the honeymoon suite
of the Dogpatch Hilton.
Papazian!
Mercer, Foytack, Margolese.
Oh, Major Winchester,
package for you, sir.
Ah! Klinger, your
timing is perfect.
What's in there, sir?
Ahahah.
Curiosity
killed the clerk.
Moran. Potter.
(rattling)
Sounds
like those macaroons
the missus promised you,
sir.
Thank goodness they're not
rerouting the vittles.
If only these were
fortune cookies,
we'd have something
to read too.
Yarborough!
(chuckling)
(sighs)
(chuckling)
(hums)
(slurps)
Charles!
Morning, Hunnicutt.
Trust you slept well.
I'm not finished yet,
so stop slurping
and snapping
your newspaper.
Newspaper?
Great!
We're back on the army's
paper route again.
I'll finally get last month's
issue of Nude Volleyball.
(chuckles)
Any minute now,
I'll see Brunhilda
come bouncing in here.
(laughs) Put your libido
on hold, Pierce.
I'm afraid your
secondclass mail
is still stacked up
over NoMan'sLand.
How come you got a newspaper?
Because the Boston Globe
does not travel second class.
I have a week's worth
sent from home
parcel post
by my sister Honoria
along with other
necessities of life.
A week's worth?
Imagine, Beej.
Little us, actually tent mates
with a great humanitarian
with newspapers to share.
He's more than a humanitarian,
he's a saint.
He's more than a saint,
he's a fast reader.
I got dibs
on the sports section.
I want the crossword puzzle.
Gentlemen!
Hey, hey, hey!
Or should I say "children"?
When, and only when,
I have finished
this entire newspaper
you may have it.
That should be in
about an hour, two.
That's fine. It'll probably
take us that long
to read all these
others over here.
No one will touch
any newspaper
until I have read it
first page to last.
And I read one,
and only one, per day.
Charles
What is this,
the Korean newspaper torture?
You can read one a day.
Just let us read
these others first.
Gentlemen, tea
and an unthumbed newspaper
are among the few remnants
of civilization
that enable me
to face the day
here in hell's outhouse.
I refuse to give them up
simply because you suddenly
find yourselves
with nothing to read.
You have a choice:
one per day or none per day.
Oh, great!
I suppose we'll have to
scrub before we read them.
(chuckles)
That'd be ludicrous.
All I ask is that
this remain our secret.
We don't want to be disturbed
by hordes of little readers.
You will excuse me.
I have an appointment
with Joseph Alsop.
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention all personnel.
Triage in the compound.
We have the finalists
in the shrapnelcatching
contest.
Sorry, Charles, we'll have
to interrupt your newspaper
for some latebreaking
bones.
Well.
NURSE: Emergency!
Emergency over here.
Bandages over here.
B.J.: Nurse!
Another North Korean.
Bad chest wound.
Hi, there!
I hope the fact that I'm
on the side that shot you
won't strain our
doctorpatient relationship.
Good morning,
Doctor and Mrs. America
and all the ships at sea.
(imitates fanfare)
Dateline, Dogpatch.
Highly placed sources
at ICorps have learned
that Li'l Abner and Daisy Mae
have tied the knot!
(cheers)
Rats.
I've missed the wedding
of the century.
Well, come on, Klinger.
Fill us in.
It's seems Li'l Abner vowed
he would only get married
if his ideal,
Fearless Fosdick,
would do it first.
What, pray tell,
is a "Fearless Fosdick"?
Everybody knows
he's the gumshoe
with the ventilated
head, doofus.
And you call yourself
wellread?
Well, anyway,
Fearless got married,
so, naturally,
Li'l Abner did too.
But the next day,
it turned out
that Fosdick's marriage
was a dream.
Unfortunately,
for Li'l Abner,
it was real.
Oh, no.
I'm sure it's for the best.
That Daisy Mae
is a woman of quality.
I'll bet she even
had her feet shined
for the wedding.
Did your highly placed
sources tell you
where our lousy
newspapers are?
Sorry, folks,
there's no news tonight.
(all groaning)
But fear not.
For your reading enjoyment,
I'm hot on the trail
of a complete unabridged
library of army manuals.
(booing)
Okay. It's okay.
It's nothing. Believe me.
If I don't get something
to read soon,
I'll go crazy.
Now, Major, in times
of stress we have to,
you know, tough it out.
Beej, have you noticed
how really well
Charles is bearing up
under the strain?
Isn't he amazing?
He doesn't make an issue.
So relaxed.
He's really showing us
what he's made of.
Gentlemen, I suggest
that both of you
tend to your knitting.
Do you read me?
Uh, retraction.
Not you.
Ha! Father!
Ha! Imagine running
into you
sitting here reading
my paper.
Oh, yes. I was walking by
and, to my surprise,
I saw it lying there
on your bunk.
Couldn't resist
catching up on the news.
(chuckles)
I hope you don't mind.
Mind? No Mind?
Why on earth should I mind?
Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable inside.
Light's better.
Oh, no.
It's such a lovely day.
That's
why I came outside.
Say, how did you
get hold of this?
The paper?
I received some fish.
It was wrapped up in this.
Why don't you come inside,
Father?
I'll make you some tea.
Oh, well,
that would be lovely.
(chuckles)
Father!
Where did you get
that newspaper?
Could I have
the fashion section?
Well, actually,
it belongs
to Major Winchester,
but I'm sure he wouldn't
mind parting with it.
Would you, Major?
(Whimpers)
It's funny, you know?
It doesn't even
smell fishy.
Well, lookee here!
It's been so long,
I wouldn't swear to it
but that looks a lot
like a newspaper!
It's Major Winchester's.
He was kind enough
to ask us in
to browse through it.
Well, mighty Samaritan
of you, Winchester.
Don't mind helpin' myself
to the funnies.
Here.
Ho! Ha!
Hey, look at this!
A newspaper!
Hey! Where'd they get
a newspaper?
(murmuring)
Hey, give me the classifieds!
I need a job.
Let me see Louella Parsons.
(chattering)
Enough.
That's enough! Enough!
This is my newspaper.
I will not have it
passed around
like a bottle of cheap wine.
Major! Surely,
if you're fortunate enough
to have a newspaper,
you're not going
to withhold it
from these people.
ALL: Yeah!
(chattering)
All right! All
All right. Since you've
asked so nicely,
I suppose
we have to compromise.
When, and only when,
I have read each day's paper
Each?
Each?
How many papers do you have?
Fess up, Major.
Are you hoarding newsprint?
Just how many of these
"fish wrappers" are there?
Well, wouldn't you know.
As luck would have it,
I have one, two,
maybe seven.
Seven!
Seven newspapers?
You creep!
I am so glad
you are all here.
I was just about to announce
my "Share the Newspaper"
crusade.
All I ask is the right
of first perusal.
After I have read
each day's paper,
I will then make it available
to the general public.
One day, one paper.
Doesn't that seem
a tidy arrangement?
Well, that seems
fair enough.
Okay, folks. I guess the
tarandfeatherin' party
is over.
You all go on
about your business,
and I'll see to it
that each and every one
of you gets an eyeful.
Yeah, well, I just hope so.
Don't worry about it.
You will.
And here we have
Private Kim,
our foreign exchange prisoner.
Aigo! Aigo!
Okay. Okay. Take it easy.
Where does he think
he's going?
Aigo is Korean for "ouch."
Unfortunately,
it's a common word
heard every day
around the war.
Give him his morphine.
It's in the medicine cabinet.
We hide it behind
the Wildroot Cream Oil.
So what do you think?
Should I ask her to the prom?
(speaking Korean)
Well, with that kind
of attitude, no wonder
you can't get a date.
Look, just take it easy.
In a couple of days,
you'll be fine.
(speaking Korean)
Keep that up, you'll
stay home New Year's too.
(speaking Korean)
Doctor, I'm Lieutenant Yook.
My men and I are here
to guard our prisoners.
Oh! Good.
Just in the nick of time.
Keep your eye
on that one.
This morning,
he almost sat up.
They will stay here
until they are
well enough to move,
then we take them
to prison camp.
Well, I guess
it beats staying
in the hot city
all summer.
Where can I find
your commanding officer?
Probably in the mess tent.
You can't miss it.
It's big, green,
smells like New Jersey.
(speaking Korean)
(speaking Korean)
HAWKEYE: Hey, hey, hey!
The butt stops here.
Just Uh
(humming)
(growls, blows)
Hey!
You're not authorized to use
Stay out of this, fur face,
or this is gonna
be your lunch!
Here, sit down, Major.
May I get you
something cool to drink?
Turn this on.
Okay.
Action.
Huh?
Attention, all vermin!
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
I have just discovered
the untimely disappearance
of my May 5 issue
of the Boston Globe
which has obviously
been pilfered
by some member of the
pernicious race of lowlife
which infests
this pig mire.
Furthermore, I consider
no one in this camp
above suspicion
with the possible exception
of that 80% of you
who are incapable of reading
the English language.
Thus, I retract my previous
magnanimous offer,
and none of you cretins
will lay one slimy paw
on any of my papers
until the missing issue
is returned!
Thank you. Thank you.
(all groaning)
Can I have some, uh...
Help yourself
to some breakfast
before we lowlifes
steal it all!
Hell hath no fury
like pernicious vermin
scorned.
Charles, you just put
a whole shoe store
in your mouth.
Winchester, just a hunch
Will Rogers
never met you, did he?
(sighs)
Doctor
I was just wondering
when the prisoners
will be well enough
to travel.
What's the rush?
You'll get your fists
on them soon enough.
The one with
the stomach wound,
he does not look good
to me.
Yeah, well, that's
a funny side effect
with people who have
holes in their bellies:
they tend not
to look too good.
But he seem
Look, as long as
your prisoner
is my patient,
any medical information
concerning him
is none of your
damned business.
That patient is in more
danger than you know.
What are you
talking about?
His kidneys,
they are not strong.
How do you know?
When he was a small boy,
he was very sick.
He is my brother.
He's your brother?
My real name is also Kim.
We grew up in the north,
in Pyongyang.
My father,
he knew war was coming,
so he sent me to live
in the South.
Why wouldn't your father
want to keep the whole
family together?
He did not know
which side would win
or which side would lose.
By placing a son
on each side,
he knew one of us would be
on the side of victory
and would be able
to carry on the family name.
A 5050 chance of survival.
What a way to hedge your bet.
I do not know if any have
survived but my brother.
He is the first one
I have seen in almost
two years.
You mean you haven't
even talked to him yet?
No. That is not possible.
If I am seen talking
to him,
it may appear
to my lieutenant
that I am a spy
sent by the north.
And if other prisoners see
my brother talking to me,
they will think
he is a traitor
and kill him
in prison camp.
Can't even talk
to your own brother.
I would tell you
none of this,
except I must be sure
he is taken care of.
Why didn't your brother
tell me about his condition?
He does not trust you.
In the north, we are taught
to hate all Americans.
I beg you not to reveal
this to anyone.
No, I won't tell
anybody. I promise.
I must go.
I've already put my brother
in too much danger.
(whistling)
Hey! Hey! What are you
Hey! Come on!
(grunts) Oh! Hey!
A brother's biggest problem
ought to be
who Dad liked best.
Uhhuh.
I mean, can you imagine
being in the same room
with your own brother
and you can't even say
"Hi! How've you been?
By the way, is the rest
of the family still alive?"
Look,
before you get any idea
about getting in the middle
of this, don't.
Why not?
Because there's a good chance
you might get them
both shot.
When I come to you
for advice,
why do you always
give me logic?
WOMAN: Whoo!
How are you?
(clears throat)
Well, well!
News travels fast.
Charles, you didn't tell me
you were in the paper.
Is that the missing one?
No. It's yesterday's.
This prank is obviously
the work of mindless boobs,
and I will get you
and Pierce for this!
As ashamed as I am
to admit it, Charles,
we're innocent.
Ha! Then who is
responsible for this?
You can narrow it down
to anybody
after yesterday's
blistering radio editorial.
Pig mire residents
have feelings too, ya know.
Given the nature
of the wrong done to me,
I felt that the rhetoric
fit the crime.
All I know is if I had a rope
dealership around here,
I'd be a millionaire.
Charles, why don't you
get back on the P. A.,
which, in this case,
stands for "public apology"?
For what possible purpose?
Well, you just
might get your robe
and newspaper back.
Ha! Firstly, eh,
I don't need a robe.
I bought a lovely
kimono in Tokyo
for my sister Honoria.
Secondly (grunts)
the newspaper is
no longer the issue.
Revenge is the issue.
Charles, I'm warning you,
bury the hatchet
before they use it
to chop you to bits.
Never! I did not fire
the first shot
in this news war,
but rest assured,
I shall fire the last!
CHARLES (on P. A.):
It is 3 a. m.
and time to play
your favorite game show
"Tit For Tat."
Given the juvenile behavior
of all you bad
little boys and girls,
I just know you're
all going to enjoy
the following selection.
♪♪♪ ("Here We Go Round
the Mullberry Bush")
MAN: Knock that off!
Shut that off!
(overlapping shouting)
How much longer
is this gonna go on?
(yawns)
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
It'll all blow over
after they kill him.
You guys were lucky
to be on sedatives.
You didn't have to hear
the blues in the night.
(speaking Korean)
(repeats Korean word)
I guess. I don't know.
You know, you don't
have to worry about the food.
Believe me, if it was poisoned,
it would taste much better.
(speaking Korean)
(clears throat)
Oh!
You look very Japanese,
Major.
Do you speak the language?
Of course not.
(speaking Japanese)
(chuckles)
Oh!
(chuckles)
♪♪♪ (humming)
(scoffing)
Hunnicutt.
Hmm? Oh, Charles.
Somebody was here
for you,
but I made darn sure
they didn't touch
one of your newspapers.
(scoffs)
I'll get you.
I will get you all
for this
if I have to steal
a B29!
(screams)
I don't know,
but it shouldn't
be too hard
to find a man who's
trying to hide a B29
under his kimono.
(laughter)
Maybe we should put
our tents in a circle.
This must come to an end.
Vengeance is best
left to the Lord.
Besides, I can't
get into my tent
for all of Winchester's
belongings.
(laughter)
Don't worry about it, Father.
You're being martyred
for a good cause.
Well, you can laugh,
but there's no place
to kneel in there.
(laughter)
MARGARET: You can come
to my place, Father.
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
(engine revs)
(revving engine)
Before you take
that tent
for a spin, Major,
read this!
(mouths words)
If you'd have just gotten
off your big vendetta
and moved on to
your next day's paper,
you'd have saved us all
a lot of aggravation!
POTTER (on P. A.): Attention,
people, and that's an order.
I've had it up to my
baby blues with all of ya.
Not only am I
putting the whoaNelly
on this tomfoolery,
I'm demanding
an official apology
from the person
who started it all
in the first place!
(cheering)
I didn't start I didn't
Yeah. Well, uh
(clears throat)
It would seem that I have
made an unfortunate
although completely
understandable, error.
Uh, it seems that the May 5
issue of the Boston Globe,
which I logically assumed
to have been stolen,
was, in fact,
not delivered that day
to certain areas due to
a wildcat trucker strike.
(chattering)
I hope you all
find that as wry
and amusing as I do.
(chuckles) Well, since
we're all anxious to forget
this harmless
little incident
and return to
our normal routine,
I guess that's all
there is to say.
Now may I please have
my clothing back?
(laughter)
Now, seeing as how we've
all been chomping
at the bit for the news,
I'm just gonna take a page
from that Fiorello fellow.
Now, then,
here's Li'l Abner.
In the first picture,
we see Ab
and a beautiful Daisy Mae
in her bridal outfit
shorts, halter, and a veil,
as she finally gets
to utter
those immortal words
she's been waiting
so long to say:
"I does."
(laughter)
Moving on to the second
picture, we got
Major, close your robe!
(laughter)
No, no, no.
Nothing to worry about.
This won't even tickle.
It's okay.
Doctors, come quickly!
There's something
wrong here!
What's the matter?
What is it?
He's bleeding
into his belly.
We better get him
to O .R. right now.
Gurney!
He's gonna need
a lot of blood.
Better be
the right type.
You! You know
your blood type?
Blood type? "A"!
Perfect. Cross match 'em
to make sure.
You may have one less
prisoner to take in.
Come with me, please.
Okay, let's get
that needle in right away.
I do not understand.
The needle isn't
Shh! Lie quietly.
We don't wanna
disturb the neighbors.
(speaking Korean)
Talk to your brother.
Tell him he's fine...
and anything else
you wanna tell him.
Thank you, doctor.
(speaking Korean)
(sighs)
Unless you need something
else, sir, I'll be leaving.
I'm fine, thank you, Igor.
And thank you for keeping
the mess tent open for me.
After that heartfelt
apology, Major,
what else could I do?
Hey, Igor,
what's this doing here?
Search me.
Boy! Some people think
this is just a parking lot.
(engine starts)
(cracking, ripping)
(screams)
♪♪♪ (theme)