Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 3, Episode 4 - Angel Trousers - full transcript

- Morning, Tinker.
- Good morning to you, sir!

Beautiful day.

God's in his heaven
and all is right with the world.

Stick the kettle on.

Lovejoy!

Shut up, Eric!

Come on, Lovejoy. Rise and shine.

"Oft, when the white, still dawn lifted
the skies and pushed the hills apart,

"I have felt the newborn morning
like a glory in my heart."

Shut up, Tinker!

Come on, Lovejoy. Shake a leg.



We're supposed to be at the Kiverton
mega antique and auto jumble sale,

and they're letting the
trade in at nine o'clock.

I don't want to go. Go without me, take Miriam.
The cash is in the toilet-roll dispenser.

I never want to see another mega
antique fair as long as I live.

I know how you feel, Lovejoy.

"Sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole."

And Hungarian to Hungarian,
and Czech to Czech.

And me, I'm depressed, Tinker.
I like it here.

I want to stay in bed for the
rest of my life. Good night.

Ah, you're just in time. Lovejoy's
taken to his bed and he won't get up.

- Good morning, Eric.
- Oh, sorry. Morning.

Morning, Lovejoy!

Listen, I have to go to Portsmouth today.
I promised Vera I'd take her there.

You remember my old housekeeper. She's a
widow and she'd never get there on her own.



So I thought perhaps
you might like to drive us down there.

You can't stay here all day.

Come on, Lovejoy. A day
at the seaside'd do you the world of good.

Yeah, go on. See the Victory,
plate of whelks, kiss-me-quick hat...

- I hate whelks.
- It's just that Vera's a bit old.

I really would prefer to
sit in the back with her.

It's a lovely day out there.

- Argh!
- You're called, sir.

Hey, what's going on?

Vera's brother was a submarine captain.
Terence Bucknall. He's being buried at sea.

You got me to drive all the way down here for a
funeral? How could you do this to me, Janey?

You are not going to the funeral.
You were kind enough to drive us down here.

It's a beautiful day.
Spend two hours doing whatever you want.

There's stacks to see here.
You can even go for a paddle.

- This is Lady Jane Felsham.
- Hello.

And Lovejoy?

This is Harry Mackie, Ivan and Don.

They served in my brother's crew
during the war.

Pleased to meet you, my lady.

Jane's fine by me.

- Ivan.
- Don.

I am very pleased to meet you, sir.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no sirs.
I'm just staff.

Oh, don't worry.
We're all working-class as well.

Ladies and gentlemen.

You may board whenever you wish.

Janey.

These fellas are drunk as skunks.

If you're not careful, Captain Bucknall
won't be the only one over the side.

Thanks very much. Thanks a lot.

- There you are, Vera, darling.
- Thank you.

- My lady.
- Are you all right?

OK, Ivan.

- God bless you, Harry.
- Ooh, watch the bottle!

Oh. That's really good of you, sir.

Very noble, if I may say so.

Argh!

Don?

- Don?
- I don't know.

I never saw anything there.

- Don, are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine.

Would you just have a check in the bag, make
sure the bloody bottle's still in one piece?

No leaks.

- Me neither! No leaks!
- Come on.

- Now, watch your head.
- Lovejoy, don't bother about Don.

He'll get his sea legs back in a wee while.

It's these bloody plastic knee joints.
You can't oil the damn things.

If you ask me,
there's too much oil in you already.

Janey.

I'll be off now.
So I'll... I'll wait on the quay, OK?

- OK.
- Thank you, Lovejoy. You're very kind.

Don't start arguing, for God's sake.

- Ah.
- Erm...

- Thank you.
- That's all right.

Stop the ship. Stop the ship!

Hey, hey, hey, you cannae just
stop a ship just like that, man.

If we miss this tide,
we'll be hanging about here till midnight.

No, no, no, you don't understand.
I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm the driver. I hate ships.

What do you mean, a driver?
I thought you was the sky pilot.

- What's that?
- The padre.

The man that's come to say a few words
over poor old Buck,

before we see him off.

This was all her idea, wasn't it?

You planned this, didn't you?! Why,
oh, why didn't you let me stay in bed?!

Hey. Hey, don't you worry about
him, m'lady. He'll be all right.

Come on, come on, you'll be fine.

Lovejoy, may I introduce
Captain Terry Bucknall.

Hey, come here!

One of the greatest submarine captains
who ever lived.

Sank half the Italian navy. Aye.

- Excuse me, you're trade, aren't you?
- Yeah, how did you know?

Takes one to know one.
Here, I bet you've never seen this before.

Not just state of the art. This is the art.

The latest catalytic polymer acrylic resin,
just arrived from the States.

- Glue, you mean?
- No, not glue. This is not glue.

This stuff'll bind anything to anything.
And I mean anything.

That's why it says in the instructions,
always go to the loo before you use it.

- That's magic glue. We've got some of that.
- Not this, you haven't. Look at this.

Woodworm excrement. Fine as snuff.
Look at it, totally knackered.

Here we go.

Hard as bell metal, that is.

And all I did was mix
a little of the resin with water,

paint it over the piece, inject some in it
and let science do the rest.

Miracle, innit? Don't know how it works.

Some boffin told me it was
something to do with rearranging molecules.

Whatever it is, it's all cash to us.

You just mix it with water and paint it on?

Simple as that.
Your average punter could do it blindfold.

This is one little item which I think
should be kept in the trade, don't you?

Yeah. How much is it?

Well, it don't come cheap.
Fifty quid a tube.

Fifty quid? You must be joking!

Forty for trade. If you don't want
it, there's a few who will.

Just trying to do you a favor.

- Go on, then.
- You won't regret it, believe you me.

Yeah, well, if I do, you will.

And then we sunk an Italian cruiser,
the Michelangelo.

- That was off Elba.
- Correct.

And later the same day,
we sent to the bottom an armed tugboat.

- The Lecca.
- The Lecca! You're right, Ivan. Yes, yes.

- And what did you do?
- Me? Oh, I was just a diver.

And a outside tiffy.

- Outside what?
- Tiffy.

- Tiffy.
- A Tifficer.

- Pardon?
- Engineer!

I was personally responsible for everything
mechanical outside the engine room.

That man there, signaler.

And Ivan, stoker.

What is this with this chianti?
Have you got shares in it?

- No, no, no. This was Buck's favorite tipple.
- Aye.

- To Buck!
- To Buck.

- God bless.
- If you'd care to step outside, we've arrived.

Perhaps someone would say a few words

before we commit Captain Bucknall's remains
to the deep.

Well...

I... I wouldn't know what to say.

I just can't think of anything
off the top of my head like that.

This is awful.

Oh, I cannae.

I couldnae do that.

I'm no good at that sort of thing.

Me neither.

Oh, this is terrible.

We can't stay here all day, sir.
Can't you say something?

Look, the only thing the deceased and I
have in common

is that we both want to
get off this bloody boat.

Then it appears to be down to you, sir.

Farewell, poor world, I must be gone.

Thou art no home, no rest to me.

I take my ship and travel on
till I a better world do see.

Into the ocean, where there's rest,

I go, I leave, I part with speed.

The way is long, the end is sweet.

Once more, poor world, farewell, indeed.

In leaving thee, the sea I meet.

We commit the body of
Captain Terence Bucknall

to the deep.

Viva! Viva!

- Rest in peace!
- Rest in peace, Buck!

Viva! Viva! Viva!

Buckto's Brigata!

That was very touching. You know that? You're
a sensitive old soul at heart, aren't you?

Yeah, it was from a
school play when I was 14.

It was a boys' school,
but I always played the girl's parts.

I was a pretty youth.

That dagger there represents secret agents
landed in the South of France.

And then the poor buggers
got caught and shot.

And that dagger
represents agents landed in Sardinia.

- That's where we got shot and caught.
- Yeah.

Oh, I mean, Buck did his best to get us
out of it, all right, but no way, no way!

- Aye, we lost the boat, didn't we, boys?
- God bless.

Where's... Where's Don?

Where's Don?

Oh... I'll have to sit down, fellas.

- Come and sit here, you silly old tart.
- What? Over there? Oh...

It was dawn and we'd just landed these
two agents near Olbia on the east coast.

And suddenly, they were spotted.

Quick, it's an Eyetie seaplane!

Radio their positions
back to a shore battery.

Lucky bastards! They couldn't hit the
ground if they were shooting out of a tree.

- One stray shell.
- Straight to their after end and exploded.

Buck immediately got everybody off and
went haring back and tried to save them.

- But no, he was forced to scuttle.
- And then we were picked up by a patrol boat.

- Put into a stinking dungeon.
- Back to Naples and a prisoner-of-war camp.

- Do you know what happened then?
- Mussolini popped in for tea?

No, he did not.

The very next day, the Italians,
they capit... they cap...

They surrendered, gave
in, chucked in the towel.

Ah! No stomach for it, Harry!
Never have had.

Oh, we were offski, very sharp.

Straight up the mountains, we got joined up
with the partisans, fought the Germans.

Know what they called us?
Bucknall's Brigata!

Bucknall's Brigata!

Have a look at that, Lovejoy.
That's Buck in the middle.

And that's me, just beside him.
There's Ivan and there's Don.

We came across this villa which had been
used as a love nest, would you believe,

by Mussolini and his
mistress, Clara Petacci,

guarded by half a regiment of the toughest
looking Blackshirts we'd ever laid eyes on,

dug in ten deep behind sand
bags, barbed wire.

Fought like bloody tigers, they did.

They would not give an inch.

Made us sweat blood that day
for every foot of ground we took.

I remember the bullets whizzing round
like wasps, the grenades popping,

as if it was yesterday.

What was left of them, and you could have
counted them on the fingers of one hand,

did pull out in the end,

but not before the buggers had taken
us down to our last ten rounds.

Blood, sweat and tears the man promised,
and that's what we got.

We came across all this chianti,
got a bottle each.

We could hardly stand
by the time we'd finished that.

Buck told us, take anything we wanted.

I remember that he took a picture of Mussolini.
Don't know why. He didnae like the bugger.

Don had the bottle of
chianti, but not for long.

Buck shot it clean out of his hand.

Two bottles, two bulletsl

And then he saw this granite bust of old Musso
staring down at him, and he hit the roof.

He'd always held Mussolini personally
responsible for sinking his boat.

He ran up to him, whacked him in the mush
and the nose flew right off.

I hope they're not annoying you, Jane.

There's no stopping them
when they've got a full head of steam.

Vera would like to ask you
something, Lovejoy.

Oh. You ask him, Jane.

Vera's brother left a few things and
she wondered if you'd sell them for her.

He didn't leave much.
He lived here for nothing,

and all that's left is his cap
and his medals and his flag.

By rights, they should all really go
to the Submarine Museum in Gosport.

I know they'd like them.

But... you know how it is.

Yeah.

Yes, Vera, I know how it is.

Well, I'll, erm... do my best.

Excuse me, Don and Ivan are leaving
while they can still sing.

I've ordered a taxi for them.

But I'll wait on and give you a hand in
the kitchen, if that's OK with you, Vera?

That's very kind of you, Harry.

Lovejoy's going to find a good home
for Terry's things.

You...

You did better than any padre.

Thank you.

That goes in Buck's box.

Excuse me.

May I share a thought with you?

So far today, I've been dragged out of bed,
press-ganged into a funeral at sea,

and the only antiques I've seen all day
are these three,

who really ought to be certified...

as national living treasures.

And what do I finish up with?

Ten per cent of a box of this, which I don't think
is going to turn out to be Blackbeard's treasure.

I mean, look at that, Tink.
My Windsor armchair.

You'd be looking at 1400
if that was all of one piece.

You'd be looking at 14 pence.

The restoration labor costs alone
would come to a thousand quid.

But not with this.

Because this is the latest cata... lyctic polymer
acrylic resin from the United States of America.

It rearranges the molecules,
turns termite crap back into wood.

- I got it from this bloke I know.
- You got it from Ted the Polish.

It doesn't come from the United States
at all. It comes from the gas board.

- Hey?
- It's emergency joint sealant.

His brother-in-law gets it
for about two quid a gallon.

Gas board joint sealant?

Yeah, Ted the Polish
knocked a tube of it out to Eric.

Ah. How much did he sting you for? A fiver?

- Yeah, something like that.
- And the rest!

What's in the box?

The estate of the late Captain
Terence Bucknall, submarine commander.

Eric, you get this for
sinking an Italian cruiser.

- How do I look?
- About as naval as a bellybutton.

Photograph of Mussolini and anonymous man.
Might be worth something.

- And what's this?
- Who nose?

Ah. Look at this group.

O.B. E, Distinguished Service Cross,

Naval General Service Medal
with Palestine clasp.

It's even got his name on it. Look at that.

Sub-Lieutenant T.H. Bucknall, R.N.

Named medals always notch up the value
a pound or two.

'39-'45 Star.

Atlantic Star, Africa Star, Italy Star.

Defence Medal and his War Medal.

Oh! Oh, there's even a D.S.O. And Bar
to go with it.

Just look at that. What a man!

I thought you were in the army.

There's a citation from Buckingham Palace.

- How much do you reckon, Tink?
- Oh, thousands.

But you know, it's a terrible tragedy that
stone bravery should be reduced to hard cash.

Janey, glad I caught you.

While you're in London I want you to stop off in
Tony's Militaria, Noel Street, behind Liberty's.

- Who's Tony?
- He's a second-generation Italian.

Deals in SS uniforms, thumbscrews,
deactivated grenades, whatever your bag is.

- I don't think I like the sound of him.
- Oh, he's all right.

I just want you to see
what he'll cough up for this, OK?

Tony's Militaria, Noel Street.

Vera could do very, very nicely
out of this, Janey.

Oh, hello there. Harry Mackie.

Eric Catchpole. Uh... finance director.

Oh. Is Lovejoy about?

This way, sir.

Lovejoy, Harry's here.

- Hello, Harry.
- Hello.

I've spoken to Commander Jolly. He sends his
best and he's looking forward to seeing us.

Oh.

Hope you don't keep your valuables in here.

- Oh, why's that?
- Oh, come on, a kid could open that.

- How do you know?
- Cos I used to be a very successful burglar.

That's how.

Where'd you get it from?

It belonged to a submarine captain
called Bucknall.

I believe he took it from a villa once owned
by Mussolini and Clara Petacci during the War.

- I think it's called booty.
- Yeah? How did you come across it?

- Lovejoy asked me to pop in with it.
- Oh, Lovejoy!

I haven't seen him for ages.
How is the old fruit?

He's fine. That's not quite the description
I would have used, but...

- Look, uh?
- Jane Felsham.

Look, um... Lady Felsham.

These sorts of things
are very hard to place.

Now, to get the best deal I need
to talk to a few serious collectors.

It's going to take a couple of days, so why
don't I photocopy it and get back to you?

Yes, all right, that's fine by me.

25. But seeing as you're trade, 20.

Oh, no, thank you very much.
I'm not that kind of trade.

Eh?

Pronto. Angelo.

Hmm, four.
Private collector, maybe four and a half.

- That's thousands, right?
- Naturally.

There's someone I have in mind, a naval
medal collector. I'll put you in touch.

- Ten percent sound fair?
- Let me think about it.

Come here, Lovejoy. Come here.

Come here.

Here she is. That's her.

Wait till you see this. Look.

There is the actual signal form
from us to HMS Maidstone in Algiers,

telling them we had sunk the Michelangelo.

Fifty years ago, eh?

See what I mean, Lovejoy? Do you no' think
old Buck's stuff should be here?

You should discuss it with Vera.

Well, I already have done. I mean, Vera's just
like all the rest of us. She needs the money.

Hey, Lovejoy, look at this.
There's an antique Christmas cake here.

Baked in 1942 for a submariner who was
due home for Christmas. He never made it.

There were a lot like that.

The family presented it to us,
still edible as the day it was made.

Lovejoy? Jolly, museum director.
We spoke on the phone.

Yes. This is my associate, Eric Catchpole.

Pleased to meet you, erm... sir.

And of course, this reprobate I know very
well indeed. How are you keeping, Harry?

- I cannae complain, sir. Yourself, sir?
- Much the same.

Tin leg giving me gyp, going blind.

I didn't even know Bucknall was dead
till I read it in the papers.

How come no one was asked to the funeral?

That's how he wanted it, sir. He put it in his
will, said it was to be a private affair.

I suppose he just didnae want
to bother anybody.

You know what he was like, sir.

Harry, would you show Eric the things you
showed me? Commander, could I have a word?

I thought you might like to see
Captain Bucknall's medals.

Oh, it's all right, Lovejoy.
I think I know what they look like.

Yes.

I've had a pretty firm offer
of four and a half thousand.

Well, then, I'd take it, if I were you.

Your brief is to sell those medals for
Bucknall's sister for as much as you can make.

We would love to have them here,

but the best we could do would be two
thousand, maybe two thousand five hundred.

Even that would be after an appeal.

- You see the predicament I'm in, Commander.
- Oh, absolutely. Happens to us all the time.

All museums are the same.
We're all in the same boat, so to speak.

And there's more of our history in private
safe deposit boxes than on display.

Might I ask what Harry Mackie's role is
in all this?

Oh, nothing, apart from being
instrumental in us being here.

Oh, I see.

There you go.

Welcome to home, sweet home.

I can't stand confined spaces.
Even my car's a convertible.

- And it stinks.
- Like a coffin with the handles on the inside.

Oh, great!

It's a... It's a bit
claustrophobic, isn't it, Harry?

Claustrophobic? The place is deserted.

If you think this is claustrophobic,

what do you think it was like when there
was 70 other Jacks in here along wi' you?

70? Oh...

Harry? Harry, is there... any chance
of any fresh air?

It's a bit, uh... a bit close in here.

You see, you, you would not have lasted
five minutes in real action.

You haven't even looked
through the periscope yet.

I saw John Mills do it
in Above Us The Waves.

Oh!

Emergency stationsl Emergency stationsl

It's all right. You're all right.

Prepare to dive. Prepare to dive.

Does it never end?

Shut doors, shut doors. Dive, dive, divel

Harry, I'm going to faint.

That's locked.

There you are.

What a right pair of lubbers you are!

And it's your fault. You pulled that lever.

You set off all the sound effects
we give to the tourists.

Hi. Is that Lovejoy?

Well, who are you? Eric who?

Catch what?

Auction rooms? Which auction rooms?

Well, how long's he going to be there?

Great. Thanks.

With the best will in the world, Janey, I
can't sell the stuff to the Submarine Museum.

Well, she can't sell it herself.

She'd probably end up owing
the buyer money, knowing Vera.

Hi, I'm Fiona, Jeremy Prince's P.A.
You're Lovejoy, right?

You're selling Bucknall's gongs.
I'm here to see them.

- Looks like your prayers have been answered.
- Have you got them with you?

Hi, Lucy, it's Fiona for Jeremy, right?

- Who's Jeremy?
- I'm in the sticks with this dealer guy.

Prince, the fashion photographer.
Vogue, Elle, the Zerba jeans campaign?

No. God, we really are in the elephant
grass today. Tel him to hurry up.

You look like the guy
who plays for Chelsea.

- The football team?
- No, the band.

Come on, Lucy, really.
I'm waiting here, hurry up.

- Fiona, who sent you?
- Lenskin. Listen, when can I see the stuff?

I've got a casting session at five.
You do take credit cards?

- That's a nice jacket.
- Fiona, this is an auction.

I'll be here till five o'clock with
my associate. My place, five thirty.

Jeremy? Darling, yes, I'm with him now.
No, I haven't seen them.

Yes, yes, I've told him. Yes, Jeremy,
I told him I was casting at five.

- He wants me to come back at five thirty.
- Fiona, I'm trying to be polite here.

Er... Yes, Jeremy, I'll tell him. Listen, he
wants to speak to you. He's in a real hurry, OK?

Hold on, Jeremy. Five thirty.

- We close at five thirty.
- Fiona?

- Fional
- Erm... Jeremy. Small problem.

- I can't get to the phone.
- What? It sounds as if you're in the loo.

Eric, I reckon if Lovejoy was paying you
the proper rate for restoring that thing,

you could afford a set of six by now.

Have you ever heard of the satisfaction
in a job well done, Tinker?

- What on earth's going on?
- Alarm went at the station ten minutes ago.

- Have we been burgled?
- Not as far as we can see.

Someone's had a go
at the downstairs toilet window,

but I'm pretty sure they legged it
when the alarm went off. I'll look inside.

I'm on my own. My husband's in Hong Kong. You
don't suppose they'll come back, do you?

No, I wouldn't have thought so.

Yes, he's taken them out of the safe
and I'm about to look at them.

Could I have that magnifying glass?
Could you hold them up for me?

OK, I'm looking at a D.S.O. And Bar,

an O.B.E., a D.S.C.
And an N.G.S. With a Palestine clasp.

Bit higher. Hold it so I can read it.
Jeremy, are you there?

OK, it reads,
"Sub-Lieutenant T.H. Bucknall R.N."

Yes, that looks like the only named medal.

Then there's four stars including Africa
and Atlantic, and a Defence and War medal.

Yes, all in fine condition.

You can put them down now. Thank you.

What is that awful smell in here?
Glue or something?

Three and a half K, cash, now.

- Three seven five?
- He's stalling.

- Do you know who you're dealing with?
- A smart ass with an aerial in her ear.

Jeremy Prince is
one of the world's greatest photographers.

He also has one of the finest collections
of naval decorations in the world,

including a Victoria Cross.

If he wants Bucknall's
medals, he'll have them.

Not at three thousand seven
hundred and fifty, he won't.

Leave your number.
I'll tell you when the auction starts.

Look, Lovejoy, I know this junk shop
isn't exactly Bond Street, but...

Ooh, you are treading on
very dangerous ground. Now, Fiona...

Look, what I am trying to say is that I am
authorized to go up to four grand, max.

But that's only if I can take Bucknall's
medals back to town with me right now, OK?

I've told you, leave your phone number,
I'll be in touch.

Look, do you realize
I could lose my job over this?

So what? They always need
another witch in Macbeth.

- Lovejoy!
- What?

- Lady Jane on the phone.
- Right.

Listen, Lovejoy,
let's try this another way.

Jeremy's very used to negotiating.
He's got clients worldwide.

Don't you realize I'm
trying to do my best here?

Are you sure a cheese and pickle sandwich
is all you want?

- There's some cold pheasant in the fridge.
- Cheese and pickle's perfect.

I've made up a spare bedroom.

The sofa's fine.
I doubt if anybody'll be back, anyway.

There wasn't anyone else I could ask. I
couldn't face spending the night here alone.

The white knight's here
with his trusty baseball bat.

- I heard from Victoria.
- Yeah?

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Yeah, I get around.
Tahiti one week, L.A. The next.

I go to Paris so often,
I've got a season ticket with Air France.

So you get to meet a lot of the models,
then, do you?

Some of my best friends are models, yes.

- Where is he?
- He's probably in Rome or Helsinki.

He gets around,
but he'll be here, don't worry.

So, erm...

So, what are they like in real life, then,
you know?

Oh, hi, Lovejoy. Glad you showed.
Jeremy sends his love.

His love?

He wonders if you could pop up to
town today with Bucknall's medals?

- Why can't he pop up here?
- He's really busy.

He's off to Albania next week.

It's dusty in here.
You ought to get an ionizer.

He's got a mega yogurt shoot on,
and he's up to here, right?

Well, I'm up to here too.

Well, I don't mind going. I'll go.
I mean, I'll take 'em down.

And I'll navigate.
Otherwise he'll be away all month.

Yeah, all right. Somehow I don't think
it's medals you've got in mind, though.

Hi, Lucy, it's me. Listen,
can you tell Jeremy I'm on my way home?

- Have you ever tried hair gel?
- I beg your pardon?

You should. Yeah, tell him I'll check in
the minute I hit the North Circular.

That's it. Lovely.

Smile. Bigger smile.

Great. Fantastic.

Jesus! Where did we get her from?
Battersea Dogs Home?

Jeremy Prince?

- Lovejoy and associates.
- Oh, yeah. The guy with the fruit salad.

- I beg your pardon?
- The gongs.

- Hey?
- Bucknall's gongs.

Come on, follow me.

OK, everyone, take five.

- Jeremy...
- Not now, darling.

- What time are you going to use me?
- Excuse me, sweetie.

- This is yours, I believe.
- Just stick it in the corner over there.

And don't touch anything!

Now, then, let's have a look at this lot.

Everything's here? The named medal too?

- There's also a Jolly Roger.
- No, thanks. I'm not into flags.

- This is a bit tasteless, isn't it?
- Good God!

It's only a repro.

The real thing's locked in the bank.

Now, then, this lot.

Four and a half Ks. Cash.

All right?
That's it, you cream off whatever you want.

We'd still have to consult our client.

- And who's your client?
- Bucknall's sister, Vera... Erm...

Hi, guys. Where's Lovejoy?

You mean neither of
these blokes is Lovejoy?

No, they're just the monkeys.
The organ grinder's stayed in the sticks.

Then you can't negotiate, can you?

Sorry, fellas,
but this is really wasting my time.

I wouldn't have let you in, had I known.

- Give them some yogurts to take back.
- Oh, right. What flavor would you like?

Erm... Butterscotch, please.

- What did you say that for?
- Cos I like butterscotch.

This photographer
that Tinker spoke to,

he offered four and a half grand.

My goodness, Lovejoy!

That is a lot, isn't it?

Four and a half grand, you say?
Hey, that's great!

I'm sorry, Vera, but we don't think
this photographer is worthy of them.

But he's got the money.

Don't you think we should take it
before he changes his mind?

Listen, give me a little more time,

and I think I might be able to get
another buyer and maybe get more money.

What do you think, Harry?

I think Lovejoy's right. I think
you should give him a wee bit more time.

And a named medal.
The N.G.S. With a Palestine clasp.

Yes, Mr. O'Neill, I've informed Jeremy Prince but
other collectors might like to have a crack.

Yes, yes, I've spoken to him
and the Submarine Museum.

Yep, yep, OK, thank you.
Thank you, Mr. O'Neill. Bye.

He'll only go to four. Is that it?

Yes, well,
one of the numbers was out of order.

Uh-oh!

- Trick and Treat!
- Hi, Lovejoy. This is Jeremy Prince.

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

Tried the hair gel yet?

Erm... No, I haven't.
I couldn't get any round here.

That doesn't surprise me.
I'll send you a tub.

- I've come for Bucknall's medals.
- All the bids aren't in yet.

They are now.

- Iris, I can't talk now. He's wheeling.
- Bucknall's sister signed it. Here's the cash.

- Bye.
- Subject to viewing.

Get her on the phone, Tink.

Why are you so interested
in Bucknall's medals?

I don't give a damn about Bucknall.

I'm a naval medal collector. If they don't
belong to me, they belong to the competition.

- There's no reply.
- Do you have a deep connection with the sea?

The sea? None, I hate it.
Come on, Lovejoy, you're stalling.

You've got the bill of sale. The medals
are as good as mine. Let's have them.

I think we should check
with our client first.

Shouldn't be too difficult.

- Vera. Nice to see you.
- Hello, Lovejoy.

I tried calling you
but your phone was always engaged.

I know.

Mr. Prince showed me all the money
and promised that he'd never sell them.

It's probably for the best, Vera.

So, can we do the business or not?

- Look, Lovejoy, I've come a long way.
- Eric, would you get the medals for Mr. Prince?

Jeremy, would you give the money to Tinker,
so he can count it?

Vera, come with me. I'm going to sit you
down and get you a nice glass of Pimm's.

- Boss!
- Oh, Lovejoy, that would be very welcome.

- They're not here.
- What?

Someone's had the back of the safe off.

They've chiseled through
the back like butter.

Trust you to buy a cheap safe, Lovejoy.

The only chiseling that's been done
around here is by you bunch of crooks.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- This is all a bloody con.

They're robbing it themselves, Vera.

They're just playing for time
until they can find some other punter.

Hold on, Jeremy. We're not a charity,
our percentage just went out the back.

- She knew where they were.
- Don't point, it's rude.

- And she had the opportunity.
- Don't be ridiculous.

- And put that finger away.
- Sorry.

Keep your medals in a vault, don't you?
Never to see the light of day again.

Just between you and a flashlight?

You know, you've got nice teeth. Say that again
and you'll be carrying 'em around in your wallet.

Oh, yeah? And you're going to be eating
your next meal through a straw, mate.

- I can't talk. We're in a crisis here.
- Oh, yeah? Be careful.

What about me?

They were my brother's medals.

Doesn't anybody care about me?

Oh, Vera, it'll be all right.

I'll get the police round
and I'll file a claim with the insurance.

Janey!

Janey!

My insurance has run out
and I'm four and a half grand adrift.

- Any idea who stole them?
- No.

That's right.
A smart-looking Scotsman with a blazer.

- Said he was in submarines in the war.
- Didn't catch his name, did you, Xanthe?

Afraid not.

There must have been eight or nine medals.
I told him to try the auction rooms.

- When was this?
- This morning.

- And they don't open till this afternoon.
- Xanthe, you are an absolute darling!

- He went in a couple of minutes ago.
- Carrying a plastic bag.

Yeah, old habits die hard, eh?

That's the Atlantic Star,
the Africa Star, the...

- Peter!
- What's going on?

Mr. Mackie here has been trying
to offload something that he shouldn't.

- What are you talking about?
- I want to keep this in the family.

- What the hell is going on here?
- These are not Buck's medals.

Of course they're not Buck's medals.
They're my bloody medals.

- Why are you trying to sell your medals?
- Think about it.

I was trying to make up the difference
between what the museum can afford

and that offer
from your bloody photographer pal.

I wish you'd told us, Harry.

Why'd I have to tell anybody?
It was personal.

It was between me and Buck.

I owe that man a hell of a lot.
He spoke up for me in court once.

I was definitely down for a ten-stretch, but
because of what he said, I only got five.

But I did tell you about your bloody safe,
didn't I?

Why don't we buy a set of odd medals
with no history and string 'em together?

Definitely not a professional.

I mean, he didnae try to open it.
He just attacked it wi' a blunt instrument.

Old Pop-Off would make us up a citation.

He'll make the Magna Carta for you
if you give him enough time.

- His name is Angel Trousers.
- Angel Trousers?

I am a...

Uh... I am son of protectors

of the glorious name
of II Duce Benito Mussolini.

For fifty years we have, uh... Stronso.

To search for.

Yes, yes. We have-a search for this-a
Capitano Buckinallo and his...

- equipaggio.
- Crew.

We can sit down and lower our arms,
but no tricks.

Allora... we search for this Capitano
Buckinallo and his crew of assassini.

- Killers.
- Yes... Killers.

These-a sinkers of Italian ships of war.

My God, he's come to take revenge
because we sank the Michelangelo.

Shut up, Harry. Keep quiet.

- Till one day...
- Si.

I am-a sent-a this.

Il Duce, with a man.

This man...
was my father.

- And-a this-a picture was-a took...
- Taken.

Taken, grazie, at the Villa Valesso.

- My father was...
- Bodyguard.

Bodyguard of II Duce and
of this beautiful villa,

that was completely destroyed
by this capitano and his crew.

That's a lie. The place was like a midden
when we arrived there.

Shut up, Harry!

If Angel Trousers says Captain Buckinallo
destroyed the villa,

then Capitano Buckinallo
destroyed the villa!

I'm sorry, Trousers.

- Capitano Buckinallo strike this... Scultura?
- Sculpture.

Strike the sculpture of
II Duce and mutilate it!

Eh? Mutilate it!

we have-a this sculpture.

Yes, we have it!

I am-a here for-a one thing.

And-a one thing only.

To stick back onto the sculpture,
and make it whole again.

He wants Mussolini's
glorious and imperial nose.

Mussolini's nose?

Oh, that stone hooter
that was in Bucknall's belongings!

Ah! Angelo!

II "nazay"?

He's thanking God for finding the nose.

If I had not-a find-a this nose,

I throw these into the Mediterraneo.

Now, I make-a you an
offer you cannot refuse.

- He don't do it as good as Brando.
- Sh.

In this packet is five millioni lire.

You take it or leave it.

If you leave it, you all die.
Every one of you.

- I want...
- A bill of sale.

And... no retribution, eh?

Nothing. Niente. Understand?

Well, sure, it sounds good to me.
What about you fellas?

- Great!
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Five million lire. How much is that, Tink?
- About £2,400.

Hey, that's just what we need
to make up the difference.

Er... Janey, would you ask him if we can
sit down and do this like gentlemen?

Now...

bill of sale.

Freeze!

The bloody thing's plastic.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I...

I beg you forgive me.
Please, no call the police.

I beg you. I only wanted the nose.

Will you stop whimpering?

- You want the nose, right?
- Sure, I do, per favore.

Five million lire.

Tell him it'll be another
two hundred and fifty quid for the safe.

You take credit cards?

Courage is something that we never know
we have until the time comes.

And those who have it in the first trial can never
be sure it will be there the second or third time.

Captain Bucknall clearly passed this test
on every occasion.

And the Submarine Museum is very
grateful to his sister, Mrs. Monkwell,

for allowing us to purchase his medals.

They will be displayed
among those of his peers,

with all the prestige and prominence
they so rightly deserve. Thank you.

Right, you three chaps. Fall in for the
photograph. In front of the case, there.

Chop chop, chaps. Come on.

Right, all yours, James.

Hi, Jeremy, listen. Hang on a sec.

There's a Conspicuous Gallantry medal,
a British Empire medal.

There's a 1939-'45 Star.
There's four stars in all.

'39-'45 Atlantic, Africa, Italy
and then the Defence medal...

- Excuse me, would you mind?
- Just a sec.

I would just like to say goodbye.

Goodbye.