Love (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - It Begins - full transcript

What's up, Grandpa?
Where you going?

Holy fuck! Who the fuck is that?

-Oh.
-Hey, it's me! It's me, it's me.

-What the fuck are you doing here?
-It's me.

- What?
- You scared the shit out of me.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, all right?
Don't freak out.

I can't stand it when you do that!

Hey, so when is your dad's birthday again?

Uh, November 9th.

Cool, cool, okay.
Yeah, I got a fun gift idea for him.

What? Which one?



Yeah, I'm gonna get him these, like,
Omaha Steaks.

-You know... you know about Omaha Steaks?
-Oh.

Um, yeah.

Yeah. Like, they put 'em in a box...

-Mmm-hmm.
-...they send 'em off,

and then you take 'em out of the box
and throw 'em on a grill.

I'm gonna send your dad, like,
a couple dozen.

-I think he'll like it.
-Cool.

-I'll just--
-Don't touch my feet.

What? Come on, you know you like that
when I touch your feet.

-Come on--
-Don't touch my feet.

I just think, it'd be good.

I need you back.
I need you to take care of me.

And... and I was thinking about us...



and... about my heart
and how I feel about you.

Come on, I know you.
And I love you and you're so hot.

And I just... I need you, Mama.

Fine. Just shut the fuck up!
I'll fuck you, but then you have to go.

-You're not sleeping here tonight.
-Yeah, that's cool.

I was looking at this website...

-Mmm-hmm.
-...and I found this rug.

I thought it would look really good
in your living room.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I like that orange one.
It's nice.

I was thinking the blue one.

Sure. Blue works, too.

Yeah, I mean, either/or...

Orange or blue,
whatever one you're standing on,

it's gonna look good.

-Oh.
-Huh? Huh?

I was thinking about that, um...
you know the blue rug.

Uh-huh.

Maybe we don't get it, like,
for my place, but...

Like, what if we got it for, like,
our place?

You wanna move in together?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-I mean, do you? Do you--
-Yeah.

-You wanna move in?
-Yeah.

Let's move in together.

-Yes!
-I am God's warrior!

Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come.

I'm comin'. I'm comin'.

Do you remember that little...

The travel-size Connect Four?
Do you remember that game?

What? Why?

I just wanna... I wanna play a game
from my youth, you know?

Nobody has the attention span anymore
to just sit and play a game.

What about Operation?
Remember Operation?

Ah, shit.

Why can't we just sit anymore?

Maybe that's 'cause you're coked up.

That's not it, all right? Okay, let's--

Nobody can just sit
and read a book anymore.

Nobody just sits and reads a book--
All right, you know what? We'll...

Let's both read books,
and we'll see who gets distracted first.

We'll see...
we'll see who's gonna do that.

I'm not gonna read with you, Eric.

All right, this is what we'll do.

I'm gonna read
Crime and Punishment, all right?

And you'll read Cujo, all right?
That's what we'll do.

And we'll see who can read the most pages
without getting distracted.

Ready to do that?
Let's do that, okay?

Cocaine, no cocaine,
my attention will not be challenged.

You got a real drug problem, Eric.

What's that?

Well, these are the drugs
I have to take to deal with you.

All right, ready?
No distractions, all right?

Just read. No distractions. No.

We just get right into it.
We just get...

Just right into it. We're just
gonna get right into it, all right?

- Ow! Ow, God.
- Ow!

-Fuck... ow.
-Didn't know your knee was there.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay.

Okay.

Hey, I love you. Okay?

Mmm-hmm.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

You say "I love you" too much.

-Do I?
-Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'm, like,
so sorry to be affectionate to you.

-I guess that's--
-No, it's not affection, it's pressure.

Because then if I don't say it back
then it becomes a thing.

Well, why wouldn't you say it back?

I mean, if it's true
you would say it, right?

'Cause I, like, I love you.

Oh, my God, please stop saying that.

-Okay, well, I do. I love you--
-Okay, stop it!

-I love you.
-Stop it.

-What is the fucking problem?
-Gus, please shut up!

I love you. God damn it!
What is the matter?

What? Just fucking say it.

I fucked another guy!

Well, you know, just so you know, like...

because we're broken up, that means, like,
we're not talking anymore, you know?

So you can, like, text,
and you can call and, like, email me,

but I'm not, like, gonna reply, okay?

-So, like, once you're out, you're out.
-So we're never gonna talk again?

No, because you fucked another guy, okay?

I can't imagine that...

that you're just gonna be around
and you're not gonna be in my life.

I mean, like...

obviously,
we're still gonna be friends, okay?

- No!
- What the fuck?

This is what I'm fucking talking about!

Well, what am I?

Am I too nice?
Am I too mean?

Yes, you're too fucking--
You're not nice!

You're... you're fucking fake nice,
which is worse than being mean!

You know, it's over.
I get that.

It's fucking over and it's done.

I just want you
to be true to yourself.

Okay, being true to myself?

-Yeah.
-I want you to fucking die.

Okay? I want you to fucking
get a disease and die,

or fucking get in a car accident and die.

That's what I want,
I want you to fucking die.

It's over.

Oh, shit.

- What? What's wrong?
- We just gotta go quicker.

Why? What the fuck?

-My mom's here.
-What the fuck?

-Why is your mom here?
-Oh, just go quicker.

-Come with me, come with me.
-No, I can't. I can't just do that.

You're like--

What the fuck, dude?
That's really lame.

Oh. Well, I just...

I got stuff to do today, you know?
Gettin' it together.

You're really going right now?

What? Yeah. Yeah, she's taking me
to buy pants and I totally forgot.

What the fuck?

-You can't but your own pants?
-She offered.

It's not cute that you live
with your parents, Eric.

You tell people it's some sort of
life hack, but it's just sad.

It's sad to want new pants?

All right, I'm sorry,
I'm a human being, all right?

Eventually, I'm gonna need pants.

Wait, you're going?
You're actually going? Eric!

I don't even know why it's something
you get pissed off about.

-I need new pants. What's wrong with you?
-Eric, fucking, you wait!

Don't get in that car.
You were just fucking me--

Good morning, Mickey.

Hi, Mrs. Todd.

Hey, me and Eric are going
to that new mall in Topanga.

Don't get in the fucking car, dude.

I'm so tired of you acting
like a fucking child.

If you get in that car with your mom,
then you're a fucking loser.

Snore, snore, snore.

You're putting me to sleep, Ma.
You're boring me to death right now, okay?

You think I'm a fucking child?
You think I'm a fucking loser?

Well, bullshit, all right?
You're just as fucked up as me.

The difference is
I have the balls to admit it.

Ma, let's go!

Eric, honey. Honey...

why don't you invite your friend Mickey

and we will go and get the slacks
at the mall together?

He's not my friend.
His cum is still inside of me.

Eric, it's over!

Who even talks to
somebody's mother like that?

I'm open.

Got you.

Retaining a harem
of over 100 females

will require him to fight
many challengers...

Hey, um... a little help?

Elephant seal pups
in such a hostile environment

can sometimes get caught
in the middle of these riots,

putting them in harm's way.

- Oh... Hey.
- Hey, sorry about that, man.

Oh, sorry?

Who cares, guys? It's fine.

Have fun, you know?

Here you go. Oop, sorry.

Cool.

So you guys are up... early, huh?

You on spring break or...

-Oh, this is study abroad.
-In Los Angeles, huh?

The college, they put us up
at the Springwood for a semester.

Yeah, since this shithole is basically,
like, one step up from a dorm room.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss all the drug dealers

and child actors
and the sad divorced guys.

Well, I'll let you get back
to your Fris-ing.

Well, hey, man, we're having
a kickback tonight by the pool.

You should drop by.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
We'll see, we'll see.

So that's the bathroom,
we have to share it.

- Oh, okay.
- My mom gave me that stupid thing.

-It's nice. Uh-huh.
-Um, that's the kitchen.

-Do you cook?
-Uh, a little here and there.

-Baking...
-Huh?

You never really hear
about an Australian style of cuisine.

No, there isn't any.

Hmm. No, bad, bad.

-Aw. Who's the kitty?
-Ugh, sorry about that.

Oh, God. Are you allergic to cats?

No, no, no, I love cats.
What's his name?

His name's Grandpa.

I named him that 'cause
he's a reincarnation of my grandpa.

-Cute.
-So what do you think?

Of your, uh... Oh, here?

Yeah. It's good, I like it.

So you wanna move in?

Um... oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, you don't seem crazy

and I don't feel like meeting
with a ton of people. So?

Wow, okay. Great.

Great. I'll text that other girl
and tell her to not to come over.

You snooze, you lose.

Cool. So were you, like,
living with another roommate, or...

I mean, my boyfriend
kind of lived here with me.

It was sort of on and off.
He'd come and go.

He'd mainly live with his parents, but...

then we broke up,
so whatever.

Oh, um, I'm so sorry.

Don't be. I'm so glad we broke up...

I just don't really wanna live alone,
you know?

Well, that's perfect.
We can hang out.

And we will.

I just wanna really clearly establish
the roommate boundaries initially.

Yeah. Yeah.

That actually sounds like
we've got a lot in common.

Well...

get out of my space!

This is gonna be fun.

But, Mother,
why is the wolf following me?

Do not fear him.
He is your protector.

Now that you're becoming a woman,
your powers are growing.

My powers? Am I becoming a witch?

We will know soon enough.

When your body aligns
with the lunar cycle.

Now, command the wolf.

Sabien, submit.

He's not even looking at me.

Uh, cut!

All right, let's get the wolf to sit.
How about that? What's the problem?

Arya, you have to make your hand a fist
or the wolf won't sit.

I was.

No, actually, you were just
holding your hand up.

Are you blind or something?

I was doing exactly what you said to.
The dog's just stupid.

God, just check the playback,
I was doing it.

Arya, superstar, what up?

I'm so tired!

-Evan.
-Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, man. What's going on?

Not much.
What do you need?

-Tutor time.
-Seriously? You're doing this now?

Dude, have you been paying attention?
We lose the wolf in half an hour.

No, I get it. I just... you know...

Arya needs her three hours of class...

-every day.
-Right.

I'm dealing with a child actor
and a live animal here.

I-- I just need you to be a team player.

I know. But I feel like it's always

animals that are coming in and push,
you know...

One day it's snakes,
the next day it's--

Dude, have you ever worked
on a supernatural period piece before?

Come on, man. Everyday there's
a serpent or there's a mule.

I'm looking out for Arya here, okay?

I don't know what to tell you, man.
They're witches, they deal with animals.

Evan, she needs three hours
of class every day, okay?

So we're doing this.

Seriously?
That's the tone you're gonna take?

Yeah, come on, man.
It's the law.

-It's called working--
-What's going on?

-Is there an issue?
-Susan, hey.

Uh, no issues.

Lovin' the scene, it's so good.

Guys, this wolf is almost out the door.

- Can we handle this some other time?
- Yes.

Right, but it's just--

If Arya's not in class

and somebody reports this,
we could lose our jobs and--

Dude, you are the only one
that cares about--

But we could.
We could lose our jobs!

Hey, hey, hey.
Why are we going crazy here?

Gus, listen.

I respect your passion
and commitment here.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- You know?

Yeah, and, you know,
and if the wolf goes away

before we get this shot,
you know, that's... that's fine.

You know, we'll... we'll work it out.

That means so much.
I appreciate that. Thank you.

What would that mean, Evan?

I'm guessing we just have to
come in on Saturday to finish?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, just come in over the weekend.

-Yep. Mmm-hmm.
-Mmm.

The crew will probably not like that much.

Oh, they're gonna be pissed.

I mean, I guess
you don't give a fuck about

people spending time with their kids.
Oh, wait, you don't have kids.

- That's for sure.
- Uh...

I feel like we're wasting time
by arguing about it, so...

Let's just do it.

- Really? Excellent.
- We'll do it. Mmm-hmm.

You're my soldier.

All right, we got another take,
everybody. Second take.

Uh, why does everyone else get a CGI wolf?

Why the fuck do we have a real wolf here?

Arya, hey. False alarm.

It's gonna be about 50 more minutes.
And then, we'll take it to class.

I can't. I need a nap.

Nope. No naps today.

-I've been here since 6:00.
-I know that.

But how you gonna count
all that money you got if,

uh, you don't know math, right?

Um, Jeff, the accountant?

Right, Jeff.

He's an Orthodox Jew,
I think he knows what he's doing.

Oh.

Our next caller
is Jason from Chicago.

Jason, how we doin'?
How's our day going?

Well, my mom passed away.

Oh. My condolences.

I have to say,
I'm not too torn up about it,

and actually, that's
what's kind of got me upset.

The fact that I'm not upset.

We can't control how we feel.

And sometimes...

these archetypical people in our lives,
they hurt us.

And they don't fulfill the archetype.

What... what's an archetype?

An archetype is a...

Well, I don't really have
the exact definition.

I do know what it means, obviously,
because I just used it. Um...

Well, thank you so much for calling.

I am Dr. Greg Coulter

and you are listening
to the Love and Living Channel

on Gravity Satellite Radio.

You listen, we hear.

Great. Great show, Greg.

Oh, thanks so much, Rob.

-I really appreciate it.
-So good.

-Good morning, Mickey.
-Hey, you said you wanted to talk?

Yeah.

We need to fire Rob. Rob's gotta go.
Does that make me evil?

No! Please. This is a business.

You know what?

Can you fire him for me... huh?

Or do program managers not do that?

What? I mean, okay,
you know what? I'll do it.

If you do it, Rob will think I'm a coward.

Yeah, I think that's probably
the right move.

No, wait, you know what?
You do it.

I'm sorry, I'll stop being annoying.

So what's the problem?
What did he do?

Look... Rob does a great job...

but the guy creeps me out.

He's got this look in his eyes.
You ever meet a person

and they smile, and you feel like
they're screaming at you?

What? Rob?

Rob's like the nicest guy
in the whole world.

He's nicer than both of us.

Well, he's just got this bad energy,
this aura around him.

Has he ever done anything to you?

He asked me do I like him.

That's weird, right?
That's not a thing you ask anybody.

Let alone in a workplace.

Look... I would fire him
but I can't take that on right now.

This might be a difficult thing
for you to understand

but I am very vulnerable in this job.

I have to be.

I make myself vulnerable to the world.

I can't be vulnerable
around somebody like Rob.

So he's gotta go.

Fine, I'll do it just
to end this conversation.

I'm a pussy, aren't I?

I'm sorry, I'm disgusting.

Okay, you know what? I'll do it.

- Thank you.
- Oh, question.

What is a good band to work out to?
Something new.

I don't know. The Monkees?

That's great.

Thanks, you're the best.
You know what?

You fire Rob.

So how was the move
out of the Springwood?

Uh, you know, it's funny
it didn't end up actually happening.

He finally realizes
that the Springwood rules.

You love it there, right?

No. I mean... not exactly.

You can live anywhere in LA!

Okay, like, where?

I mean... I've been looking,
but it's just...

I'm having a hard time
finding a place I like.

You can move near me.
The Eastside.

I don't know.
It's just a little too cool. And now...

I'd be like the Beverly Hills guy with,
like, a white Corvette.

I mean,
is that what we're doing?

We're just playing
what we'd wanna be?

I don't think it's, like,
what I want to be. It's, like, who I am.

Like, who am I?

I mean, like, where do guys
like me live, you know?

Where do the, like,
repressed hostile nerds

whose girlfriend's accuse them
of being "fake nice" live?

-Santa Monica?
-No.

As long as I stay in the Springwood,
you know...

maybe I get a text from Natalie saying,
"Let's try it again."

And I can just bop out of the Springwood
back to another place

instead of like, bop Springwood,
bop new place, bop Natalie.

It's crazy, right?

Please don't tell me you think you
and Natalie are gonna get back together.

-'Cause that's never gonna happen.
-Yeah.

You're saying it... like, it's over?

She cheated on you.
Why would you wanna be with her?

Gus, she sucked, man.

Fuck Natalie.
And fuck the Springwood.

I think you'll find someone better.

You know,
I know you'll find someone better

and if you have trouble,
I can set you up.

She wasn't right for you, dude.

I think I gotta go.

Gus. Wait. We gotta...

We gotta pay.

Otis, put the dirt down now!

I suppose it's better than Heather's kid.

She eats dog shit.

I'm serious.

Oh, my God, this day is dragging.

You know what
my favorite part of the day is?

Taking my Ambien.

-Really?
-Yeah.

There's this moment
right after it kicks in,

and I'm still awake
and everything is perfect.

Seriously, I look forward
to 9:30 every day.

I don't like that shit.

I always wake up having made spaghetti.

Spaghetti is the best.
What's wrong with that?

You want some Ambien?

No, thanks.

Are you sober?

Kinda.

I get it.

Fuck it! Give me some Ambien.

Give me a whole handful.

All right.

I'm sure you have your own methods...

but I turn off all electronic devices.

The last time I took an Ambien,
I emailed my high school principal

to tell him what a great job he had done.

That's why
you're my favorite neighbor.

Otis, enough with the dirt.

You have reached your quota.

Down.

You know, I guess she used to be
an extra on The Little Rascals.

For real?

- Yeah, no, she told me that.
- Jeez.

-Hey, what's going on?
-Hey.

What's happening here?

This old lady in E-2021 died.

I guess she fell in the shower

and the water kept running
on her body for, like, a week,

so when they found her,
the bathtub was full of mush.

Jesus! What... What?

I told you not to give details.

Yeah, well, you're the one
who gave me the details.

She lived here for 42 years, man.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

How long have you guys lived here?

Eighteen years.

They're roommates but they're not gay.

Yeah, Chris, I don't care. That's fine.

Why, did you think we were gay?

We're best friends.
This is my BFF. We're roomies.

Yeah, no, he said... I didn't.

I don't even care. It's fine.

Nice to meet you.

-Yep.
-Take it easy.

Later, dudes.

Hey, we're not gonna wind up
like those two guys, are we?

I hope so.

We should be so fucking lucky.

Thirty years of friendship?

We should be so fucking lucky, Gus.

Fuck it.

Shit.

You know what I love about Uber?

You don't have to tip.

Fuck taxis, man.
Uber's changing the world.

And you own this car, right?

It's, like, a nice car.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! Shit!

Hello, this is Rob.

Hi, this is Mickey Dobbs,
the program manager from work.

Uh, anyway, you know that.

Um, I didn't...

Uh, I don't wanna do this
over voicemail, but, um...

Hello?

Hello? Is this...

is this one of those
trick voicemail things?

Mickey, is that you?

God! Sorry! Your voice doesn't normally
sound so message-y.

No, it's me.

We're gonna put Frozen on
in one second, honey, I promise.

Is everything okay?

Um... I don't know how to say this, uh...

I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna come right out

and say it to you,
'cause I respect you, okay, Rob?

You are fired from, you know, work.

What?

Greg told you to fire me?

Yeah. Aw.

But... it's nothing personal.

Sure, it's not personal.

You're just Dr. Greg's little henchman,
that's all.

Oh, come on, man.
Aren't we all henchmen?

"Aren't we all henchmen?"
What the fuck does that mean?

Are you high right now?

Are you on drugs?

Drugs?

Oh, so you're firing me over the phone
while you drive on drugs?

That's great.
Why don't you show my daughter that?

Tell my six-year-old daughter that.
Go ahead.

Hey, look, I drew a big star.

Oh, she drew a big star...
you fucking cock-whore!

Whoa, dude, uncalled for! Shit!

Mickey.

-What the fuck are you wearing?
-Aw.

I'm glad you made it.

This is a really weird bar.

It's not a bar.
You haven't heard of Bliss House?

No. What is this, like, a...

like, a club for old people?

It's a church.
Well, they say it's...

like a church for all churches, you know.

It's more about oneness and togetherness,
not so much a higher being.

But I'm... I'm trying to say
I'm sorry, all right?

This is... this is how I'm trying to say
I'm sorry to you.

The midnight service is the best one.

-You're gonna love it.
-Fuck, no.

Dude, no, no, I can't do that.

I'm wearing, like,
a one-piece under jeans.

Hey! Our buddy from the balcony!

Hey, what's up? You guys!
All right. There you are.

You dropped by.
You even brought your work backpack.

I'm Gus, by the way.

-I'm Nate. Good to meet you.
-Hello. Hi.

-Hey, I'm Hailey.
-Did you get a drink yet, man?

Uh, you know what?

Yeah. Give me a beer.

- Give you a--
- Yeah, give me a beer. Cool.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

- Beer.
- Thank you. Thanks.

-Cheers.
-Yeah.

Good evening,
blessed specimens of this lifetime.

How are you all feeling?
I wanna hear you.

Tonight, we stand together

in a vibratory field
of an advancing potential,

the foundation of which is love.

Love doesn't just happen,
we have to choose it.

We are in a phase of evolution
where we have to agree with love.

We are in a phase of evolution
where we have to embrace love.

We have to see love, feel love,
touch love, heal love.

From the very core of our inner sanction.

Right? You guys know
what I'm talking about.

Come on, let me hear you.

Holy fuck.

You guys are doing it right.
Seriously.

All of you guys, this is, like,
what your twenties should be about.

Having fun, going wild.

Ever since I was a little kid,
I've been acting like a grown-up.

And now, it's like,
I'm in my thirties,

and I'm, like...

"Oh, my God!"

I need to make up for lost time.

Hey, let's get fucking crazy tonight!

Will you shut the fuck up?

This is a family community.

Families live here.
This isn't fucking Club Med!

Hey! Uh, why don't you just, uh,

let us enjoy this
one special moment in our lives...

before we, you know,
fucking slip in a shower and turn to mush?

Go fuck yourself, man!

I love you guys!

I love this place!

Guys, thank you so much.

So fun. Really--

- You're the man, Gus.
- You guys are...

-All right, we'll see you tomorrow.
-See you tomorrow.

Hey, what are you doing now?

Me? Um, sawing some logs.

What... What does... What does that mean?

I don't know what that means.

It means sleeping.
It's like an old expression for sleeping.

- Oh.
- Well, uh--

We still have a couple of hours to kill.
Do you wanna hang out at your place?

Uh...

Yeah. Well, okay.
It's a little messy, if that's cool.

Oh, God, it's fine.

Oh, my God! Your bedroom is
literally identical to ours.

- No way. Really?
- Yeah. It's so lame, right?

Hey, look at these candles!

- They've never even been lit.
- So lame.

It's crazy they have
all the same stuff in every...

-Yeah.
-I know.

-It's nuts.
-It's, uh... They're like clones.

They're clones of each other.

Clones.

I'm gonna miss it though.

It sucks that we have
to leave and fly back.

- Uh...
- We wanna move to LA after college.

-Ooh.
-Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, 'cause we never did anything fun
while we were here.

We had all these, like, wild, crazy plans.

Oh, really? Like what?

You guys wanted to go to Six Flags
or something, right?

No.

No, like, um...

I don't know, uh...

Never mind.

Uh...

-You guys are--
-We, uh...

We... we kinda...

We wanted to have a three-way.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

- Yeah. Uh, have--
- Yeah.

Have you ever had one?

Uh, no.

-Mmm. Okay.
-I... I don't think I have. No.

No, haven't had a three-way.

Well, um, I know Reese hasn't...

- No? Right.
- ...and I haven't, and, uh...

-And I-- Yeah, I haven't. Yeah. no.
-And... you haven't.

So, yeah.

Um, so, is... is it happening?

Now, is this it?
This is the three-way? Yeah?

-Yes, Gus.
-Okay.

I think that was clear.

Cool.

Children, please, step inside
our vibratory field of energy and love

and receive our message.

Remember, if you ask the world for love,
you will receive love.

All of tonight's newcomers, please rise.

Come on. I know--
I know you're digging this.

All right, fuck it.

We speak from our eyes and say,
welcome home.

"Welcome home."

- We love you.
- "We love you."

We walk in your hearts,
and embrace your soul.

"We walk in your hearts,
and embrace your soul."

Please, welcome our newcomers.

This brings our service to an end.

If you didn't get a chance to donate,
the tithing baskets are up front.

Can I ask something?

Yes.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

Speak what's in your heart.

Hi, guys. Sorry,
I'm on Ambien, so it's, um...

You said earlier that if you ask for love,
the world will send you love back.

But I've been asking and asking,

and I haven't gotten fucking anything.

Hoping and waiting and wishing
and wanting love...

Hoping... hoping for love
has fucking ruined my life.

And you're right, Eric. I am a fuck-up.

I'm really sorry.

But I refuse to believe

that all those dipshits
I went to high school with,

who are married now and putting pictures
on Facebook every day

of their kids in little headbands
have it all figured out, right?

That's gotta be bullshit.

That can't be the deal.
That can't be it.

I know it's, like, not appropriate to be
standing up here in a bathing suit...

but I took an Ambien tonight.

I... I was supposed to go to sleep,
but then he called me to come here.

-I'm really sorry.
-Okay... okay.

- So sorry.
- It's okay. Thank you.

So many of you.

Mmm.

I'm sorry, I'm just having so much, uh...

Yes.

Uh... ah, okay.

Oh. Whoa.

Uh, hey, um, hang on...

I'm gonna put on a condom, all right?

I'm... I'm gonna put on a condom
real quick, okay?

- Excuse me. Sorry, pardon me.
- Okay.

So, uh, you know, you two can, uh,
kiss each other if you want, you know.

-Nah, that's okay.
-No. We don't really want to.

- You're sure? Really?
- Yeah.

'Cause otherwise,
it's not really, like, a threesome.

It's more like, you know,
two adjacent twosomes or...

-Nah. It's not our thing.
-No?

Oh, I see, it's sort of, like,
um, I'm like the conduit.

We're sisters.

What the fuck? Jesus! Ew!

I mean, I'm sorry, I don't mean, "Ew,"
but just, like, what the fuck? Ew!

Relax. What's wrong?

You know, for most guys
this would be, like, a fantasy.

What, to be, like,
a participant in incest?

Whoa! Hey.

-This isn't incest, okay?
-No.

We've never kissed.
We haven't even touched each other.

Okay, yeah, but you're, like...
you know, naked in front of each other.

That's, like, in the realm of,
you know, fucking incest.

So, was it incest when we had
baths together as little girls?

No, no, no, no, no.
That is, like, worlds apart! Okay?

Like, I was touching your boob
while I was touching her thigh, okay?

That's, technically, I'm--

I'm in an incestuous relationship
right now, okay?

Don't judge us.

I'm not judging you, okay? It's just...

It's a surprise, and in all fairness...

you two should've told me.

Okay, dude. You know what?
Sorry that we tried to fuck you.

No. I... I didn't mean it--
Uh, it's just...

I mean, maybe, like, one of you stays?

Go fuck yourself.

All right.

Mmm.

That'll be $2.35.

Shit. Fuck, dude, I don't have my wallet.

Can I pay you back later?

No, we don't do that.

Dude, I live, like, two blocks from here.

I'll run home, get money,
come back, pay you.

I'll pay you more than I owe you.
I'll give you a big tip.

No. You just go home,
get your money,

then come back
and get your coffee.

Dude, I fucking need this coffee
right now, please, dude.

I need it to, like, you know,
get shit going.

Please, please, do me a solid.

This isn't a charity.

If you not gonna pay it, just go.
Get out.

What, you're just gonna
let that coffee get cold?

You're just gonna waste
that cup of coffee?

-Yeah.
-That doesn't make any sense.

No, I'm fucking taking this coffee
right now.

No, no, no, no,
you stealing the coffee.

I'm calling the police.
You're on the cameras.

-I'm on the cameras? Big fucking deal.
-Yeah, yeah. It's--

Hi, hello. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I don't care, you have me on the camera.

You know me, dude.
I'm good for it.

I'll come right back.

Hey, you know what?
I got this. It's cool.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay.

And a pack of cigarettes?

And a pack of smokes.

Parliaments.