Love (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - One Long Day - full transcript

So that'll be $2.35.

Shit.
Fuck, dude, I don't have my wallet.

Can I pay you back later?

No, we don't do that.

Dude, I live, like,
two blocks from here.

I'll run home, get money,
come back, pay you.

I'll pay you more than I owe you.
I'll give you a big tip.

No. You just go home,
get your money,

then come back
and get your coffee.

Dude, I fucking need this coffee
right now, please, dude.

I need it to, like, you know,
get shit going.



Please, please, do me a solid.

This isn't a charity.

If you not gonna pay it, just go.
Get out.

What, you're just gonna
let that coffee get cold?

You're just gonna waste
that cup of coffee?

- Yeah.
- That doesn't make any sense.

No, I'm fucking taking this coffee
right now.

No, no, no, no,
you stealing the coffee.

I'm calling the police.
You're on the cameras.

- I'm on the cameras? Big fucking deal.
- Yeah, yeah. It's...

Hi, hello. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I don't care, you have me on the camera.

You know me, dude.
I'm good for it.

I'll come right back.

Hey, you know what?
I got this. It's cool.



Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay.

And a pack of cigarettes?

And a pack of smokes.

Parliaments.

Thanks.

You know what?
Fuck you.

You're a mean,
nasty little motherfucker.

You know me.
I come in here every fucking week.

I know your whole fucking family.

I know your mother.
She's mean.

I know your brother.
He looks weirdly old.

And your creepy uncle
that says dumb shit to me,

but I don't ever complain about that.

You're just a lonely, sad,
evil motherfucker!

Okay. So...

that'll be $9.89.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm not crazy.
That dude's a fucking asshole.

Yeah. No...
I don't know.

What? I have money.
I can pay you back.

Uh, yeah, I know. It's...
But you don't have to.

I live, like, two blocks from here.

If you just follow me,
I'll run inside and grab you your money.

Uh...

You know what?
It's totally cool.

It's on me.
Just, um, you can have a nice day.

Don't be a fucking hero.

So you live nearby?
It's not, like...

- a huge haul?
- I live right nearby.

I'm Mickey.

Mickey, hey, I'm Gus.
Nice to meet ya.

So you live around here?

- Yeah, right up there.
- Cool.

For how long?

I moved here, I wanna say,
five, six years ago, from Jersey.

- Ah.
- Where are you from?

Oh, I'm sure you've heard of it.

It's the, uh... major city
of Brookings, South Dakota.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The guy who invented boredom's from there.

Yeah, right, yeah.

It's for, uh, all the people
who can't handle

all the intensity of, uh...
Sioux Falls, South Dakota, you know?

Where do you live in LA?

- Um... you know the Hollywood sign?
- Mmm-hmm.

I actually live inside the letter "O."

Which one? There are three.

Good question.
It's a great question.

Uh, well, not the first "O,"
'cause the rent's insane.

Obviously.

Uh... but I live in the second "O."

In "wood."
First "O" in "wood."

Yeah!
Go faster, go faster!

Jacob, settle.

- Someone needs a nap.
- Faster!

I don't normally like to gossip,

but did you hear
that Jacob needs a nap?

I did. I did hear that.

And it's like,
"Fuckin' Jacob, give your mom a break."

So, yeah, I'm not for sure,

but I think around here's where
they filmed, uh, Armed and Dangerous.

John Candy and Eugene Levy and...

They play these, like,
security guards who, um...

They, like, bust, like, a coke ring,
drug cartel sort of thing.

- You're making this up.
- No, no.

It is very real

and... very funny.

My friends once Airbnb'd the house
from Nightmare on Elm Street.

- Whoa! So cool. That's awesome.
- Fuck, no.

I wouldn't wanna sleep in the house
where Freddy Krueger lived.

Well, Freddy didn't live there.

It's, like, the girl who has nightmares
about Freddy lives there.

Whatever, it...

- You got work today?
- Nah.

- You?
- Monday.

What do you do?

I'm a program manager
at a satellite radio station.

Ah, that sounds important.

Sounds way more important than it is.
You?

- I work in TV.
- Oh!

Yeah. I'm an on-set teacher.

Oh, you're a... you're a tutor?

Yeah. On-set teacher.

- For the show, um...
- Witchita.

- Have you heard of it?
- No.

Oh, it's this, uh...

It's a show about this group of witches
who secretly live in the suburbs.

Sort of like, um...

Desperate Housewives meets...
I don't know, witches.

Oh, wait, I've seen the billboard
for that show.

The "T" in Witchita is a witch
being burned on a cross?

That's right. That's the one.

So, is that what you wanna do,
just be a tutor forever?

No. I mean, I'd like to be more
on the creative side of things.

I actually...

I wrote this episode of Witchita
and it's just, like, in my drawer and,

you know, I'm hoping one day,

maybe I can give it
to the right person on the show and...

I don't know.

You wanna write for Witchita?

Well, I'm not...

I mean, it's more of a means to an end,
like, I guess my goal is, um...

This is weird.

Have you ever heard of,
um, erotic thrillers?

Like, horror porn?

No, more like, uh...

Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct
or, like, Brian De Palma movies.

You know, people love those movies.

And they made a whole bunch of 'em
but now they don't anymore.

So I feel like, you know,
people would really...

Yeah, I guess now with the Internet,

you don't have to go
to a movie theater to see boobs.

I think that's part of it, yeah.

Plus, you know,

Michael Douglas is, like,
200 years old now, so...

Well, if you ever make one of those,
I will go see it in the theater.

Those movies are great.

This is my place, so...

- I'll run in and grab my wallet.
- Okay.

Hey, morning.

What?

Morning.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Uh, you weren't here when I got here,
so I just let myself in.

Also, the door was unlocked,
so I just walked in.

I gotta grab something from my room.

Great.

What?

Shit.

Fuck! Shit!

Hey, uh, I can't find my wallet.
Can I borrow 20 bucks?

Oh, sorry.
I'm paper-free.

I only use credit cards and Apple Pay.

Oh.

- How's the unpacking going?
- Good. Good.

Could you help me
carry my dresser in?

Of course.

So I'll just, uh...

Just back it up here. Ooh.

- This is heavy.
- Yeah.

You mind if we just set it down?

I think if we take the drawers out,
it'd just be, uh, a lot lighter.

Oh, okay.

- Oh. You got stuff in here.
- Yeah.

Ow!

- What are those, books?
- Yeah.

- Coloring books.
- From when I was a kid.

You took all this stuff
with you from Australia?

Yeah, it all reminds me of home.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's much better.
That's good.

So, how long have you known Mickey for?

Uh, about 15 minutes.
How about you?

Since yesterday.

- She's cool, right?
- Oh, my God, she's so cool.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. But, like, a little bit scary.

- Yeah, she is scary, right?
- But so cool.

Oh. Fart.

Okay. Sorry.

- It's a nice place.
- Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

So where are we, uh, taking this?

- To the back bedroom.
- Oh, okay.

Oh, you guys made it in.

Yeah.

Sorry, I had to pee so bad.

- Oh, we managed. Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, I left my wallet at this place,
Bliss House.

I went there last night and I think
I dropped it in the collection basket.

Oh, wow. That sounds,
like, super stressful.

Well, you don't have to worry
about paying me back.

You know, I'm just gonna head home.

I'll Uber home or something. Yeah.

I can give you a ride.
I have to go to Bliss House anyway.

I can go there first, get my wallet.

That sounds like it will work perfectly.

Oh, uh, yeah.
I mean, if you don't...

mind, er...

- It was her idea. Why would she mind?
- Right.

Come on.
What the fuck else are you gonna do today?

Let's go have an adventure.

Yeah. Sure.

Have an adventure. Okay.

- This is the place?
- Oh, yeah, this is it.

I went to visit my friend here last night,

and it turned out to be
some kind of, like, church?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Which isn't really my thing.

But then they passed around a basket
and I didn't wanna be rude,

so I put a couple dollars in,

and then I guess
I put my whole wallet in.

You dropped the whole wallet in?

Yeah.
Ambien and going out don't mix.

Oh, I'll remember that.

So...
Wait, so the guy you met here,

was he, like, a boyfriend guy, or what?

Maybe if that door's locked,
you can boost me up through that window.

Uh...

- Okay.
- Oh!

Oh.

Is anyone here?

- Are we scared?
- I think this is the way.

Oh, my God! Holy fuck!

Cut, cut!
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

What the fuck is this?

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is this?

Sorry,
I thought this was Bliss House.

What's Blizzows?

I was here last night,
and this was a church.

Yeah, it's a rental location.
Who's posted at the back door?

We just lost an entire fucking take!

And you, Sparky? Yeah.
I can see you breathing on the monitor.

You breathe again
and I'll fucking kill you for real.

All right, let's go again.

Uh, is there a lost and found?

Oh, my God!
Are you still here?

Can you go, please?
Can you, please?

- I beg of you. Just go.
- All right, folks, I need you to clear.

- When is this gonna be on?
- What the fuck are we making?

Huh, guys? A student film?
Is that what this is?

Am I the only one here who gives a shit?

Congrats on finding your wallet.

I can't believe it.
They didn't steal anything.

- I know.
- I mean, big ups for Bliss House.

Who puts a wallet with money in it
into a lost and found?

- I would.
- Yeah, right.

I'm serious. Why would I steal
somebody's, like, wallet?

That's insane.

Aw, what a nice
little Midwesterner you are.

Oh.

My mom always tells me
I should date a Midwestern boy,

'cause they're really
sweet and honest.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, uh, tell your mom...

to go fuck herself.

I'm kidding, that's a joke.
I didn't...

I got it.

You know what's good for a hangover?

- Hmm?
- Rally's breakfast food.

And I'm finally awake
early enough to eat it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you know what else
would make you feel good?

- What, like, fluids?
- Weed.

Oh, weed.

Really? Oh.

Okay, I guess I wouldn't think...

you know, that would be the best...
Sure.

Yeah, no, 'cause if you smoke,
then you're gonna feel better.

And then if you're stoned,
the food is gonna taste even better.

Which I didn't even think was possible.

Um... yeah. Okay.

No, let's do it.
Let's, uh... let's get high.

Do you not really smoke?

I'm not, like, fucking...
Cheech and Chong or something.

But, no, I...

Yeah, well,
I don't normally, like...

do this, like, wake and bake or whatever.
I'm not a stoner. It just...

You seem like
you could use it right now.

Yeah, and I'm not judging you.

It's like, no judgments
or anything, you know?

Here.

Oh, okay. Um...

So, I, uh...

Oh, Jesus fuckin'...

- Okay.
- How old are you?

- Why?
- I don't know.

Wait.

Do I seem like I'm 12 years old
right now or...

You're like a 40-year-old
12-year-old or something.

I'm, uh...
I'm 31.

- Okay.
- How old are you?

I'm 32.

Oh, so you're, like,
a grade older than me.

Mmm-hmm.
I'm the older woman.

So in a year, you'll be...

as old as, um...

Jesus when he died.

Wow.

Whoa, it's coming out your...

You're really good at that.

It's like watching my dad change a tire.

Here, take another.

Okay. Yeah.

I'm sorry
I'm coughing so much. I...

It's okay. How you feelin'?

Good.

This is strong stuff.

Yeah. Green Crack.

It's like a hyper
sort of super mellow high.

Heavy indica.

- Indica?
- Yeah.

What's indica, again?

Indica like "in the couch."
Body high.

Oh, in da couch.

In da car seat.

I'm just getting a little hot,
so I'm just gonna...

What the fuck are you doing?
No, we're hot-boxing.

No, no, no, don't dilute it
with oxygen.

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Mmm-hmm.

What's that sign say?

"One way."

"One way."

"One way."

Is that the secret to life?

Maybe.

Who's to say?

You're a weird little dude.

- Stoned or not.
- Yeah.

You're a fucking weird little dude.

So you don't need these windows up?

No. I'm smoking a cigarette.

Oh, 'cause it stinks,
you have the windows down.

But you're not concerned anymore
about the hot-boxing.

- With the smoke...
- Dude, you're high.

Don't worry about the hot-boxing.

Welcome to Rally's.
Can I take your order?

Yeah, can I get
two hash browns?

Yes!

- Probably get four.
- Yes!

And then can you take some
hamburger cheese and melt it on top?

Oh, fuck, yes.

We can't do that, ma'am.

Yeah, you can.
I've done it before.

Is Jeff there?
'Cause he knows the drill.

Then, oh, uh,
two breakfast sandwiches.

And then add two more to that.

And then, for two of those,
take the bacon away,

put some sausage on it.

And for the other two, take...
the cheese off of one,

then add more cheese to the second one.

Why is that guy staring at us?

- What? What guy?
- You see that?

You see that guy, like,
across the street, like, in the window?

He's, like, this Asian guy
and he's, like, looking at us.

Like, through the fucking window.
What's his problem?

Who's that guy?
Why is he staring at us?

That's a cardboard cut-out of
an Asian lady giving somebody a massage.

Right. No, but she's, like,
staring at us though, right?

Yeah, it's aggressive.

Yeah. It's unnerving.

Anything else?

Yeah, we should probably get two coffees.

- Fuck, yes.
- Fuck you.

I love this so much.

I feel like it hasn't tasted
this good since I was a kid.

Mmm!
I love the way it smells.

Yeah! I know.

My last girlfriend,
she fuckin' hated the smell of fast food.

She hated it when I ate,
like, fast food.

Is that why you guys broke up?

'Cause of your affair
with fast food?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- She, uh...

caught me fooling around
with a Big Mac once.

Yeah, she, like, walked in on us,
and I was, like, playing with its boobs.

I regret making that joke.

- So, you guys broke up, huh?
- Yeah.

I know it's supposed to be, like...
the nice thing to say, like,

"Oh, we broke up
and it was mutual," but...

Whatever.
Like, I broke up with her.

Why?

She cheated on me.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
That fucking sucks.

Yeah, I'm getting through it.

And we'd been together for a few years.
It's just weird 'cause, like,

I was with somebody else
a few years before that,

and so it's just like,
I feel like I'm, like...

leap-frogging, you know, from, like,
one long-term thing to the next.

And it's just like...

I feel you on that one.

I went to Bliss House last night
to see my ex.

I think he's still really hung up on me.

And it's sad, you know?
Sad to see him sad.

But I didn't fuckin' cave.

Oh, that's good.

- Cheers to me.
- Good for you.

- Cheers to you.
- Mmm-hmm.

Definitely.

How are you doing?
Are you hungover?

Uh... I'm feeling better.

Like, all over.
I'm just feeling, like...

up here, a little spacey.

- Really?
- Yeah. Oh...

I thought the coffee would fix that.

You know, caffeine and weed.
Poor man's speedball.

What'd you say?

Oh, speedball?

I thought you said,
"Poor man's Spaceballs."

So I was like, fuckin'...

a guy, like, with no money,
like, made Spaceballs?

Is that even conceivable?

That a guy who had no money
would make Spaceballs?

Let's get you home.

Oh, okay.

I think I need to lie down or something

'cause I'm just, like...

All right. Come on.
I'll put you in the backseat.

Okay. Yeah.
No, you should see Spaceballs.

It's, like, really funny.

'Cause it's, like, a spoof of Star Wars,

but it's also, like, a spoof of, like,
different sci-fi movies.

Like, Planet of the Apes
and Star Trek. Like...

Okay. Where do you live?

Uh, 1410 Amber.

Great. Taking you there.

But it, like, really puts, like,
Star Wars in its crosshairs.

- You got a busy day?
- Yeah.

Doesn't seem like it,
'cause you got me high

and then you drove around.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that, huh?

No, I'm glad you did.
It's just, like...

you didn't have stuff to do today.

Gotta get cat food.

- Hey, Mickey?
- Hmm?

- Thanks for driving.
- You're welcome.

All right, dude.
We're here.

Shit! Fuck!
Back up. We gotta go.

- You've gotta get out first.
- No, no, no.

I fucked up
and gave the wrong address.

This is Natalie's place, okay?
You gotta get of here. Fuck!

- You took me to your ex-girlfriend's?
- Just go.

- That's fuckin' awesome, dude.
- Just go.

- Gus?
- Please, God damn it.

- Shit, shit, shit!
- What're you doing here?

- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

Why are you here?

Uh... just...

I'm just being a goof.

I'm just being a goofball.

I can't hear...
Can you roll down the window?

- I said I'm being a goofball.
- Mmm.

The car reeks of weed.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

Huh, I didn't...
I don't know why...

Hi. Who's this?

Hey, I'm Mickey.

Oh, hi, Mickey.
Gus, what the fuck?

I can explain. Okay?
Let me explain.

- Okay, I know this is weird, okay?
- Sure.

I fucked up.
I shouldn't have come here.

It's 11:00 a.m. and you're stoned
and you're at my house. I'm worried.

Well, you don't have to be worried
about me, okay?

Like, I'm fine.
I'm having a good time.

- Yeah. No, obviously.
- I'm having fun.

And then you came here
to rub it in my face, or what?

Huh? No, I just...

I gave her, like, the wrong address
by accident, that's all.

You meant to come here.

You still think you live here?
You can't get over us being apart?

Oh, my God, no.

That is, like, so narcissistic of you.

- So pathetic.
- It was a brain fart.

I didn't mean to show up, okay?

Great. Then maybe now
would be a good time

to get the boxes out of my house.

Natalie, there's not that many boxes,
okay? They're fine.

Perfect.
Then I want my hallway cleared.

Can I just come back later, because
this is, like, super awkward for me,

and I don't want to have to be
going in and out...

- Now!
- Okay.

I got it.

- Great. She's got it.
- She's gonna do it.

Hmm? She's gonna do it.

Hey, can you take your shoes off
before you walk into my house?

Yeah.

Shoes off!

...work through it, you know?

So you just came by here with her
to make me jealous, or what?

I mean, I'm hooking up
with other people, too.

- Great.
- Great!

I'm glad you're hooking up
with people, okay?

Because you did when we were together,

so why would you stop
after we broke up, right?

Well, if it makes you feel better,

I wasn't hooking up with people
when we were together.

What?

I...

I never cheated on you.

Are you insane?

You fucking... You told me.
You said you cheated on me.

I needed to say that,
otherwise you'd never break up with me.

So you lied about cheating on me?

Just one more box.

Why didn't you just break up with me?

I fucking tried, asshole.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I said that this isn't working,

I said that I don't want to be
in this anymore,

and then you would just hold me
and tell me that we would figure it out.

...wanna see me get mad.

I'm not gonna get mad, okay?

You're just gonna pretend
it didn't happen,

you're just gonna be okay with it.

Yeah, which is, like, a responsible,

you know, nice, kind thing to do...

No, it's not! When one person
wants out and the other one

- is forcing them to stay there...
- Uh-huh.

...then your niceness
becomes an assault.

- Your kindness is pure fucking hostility.
- Oh.

All right. That's it.

All right. You know what,
I'm gonna go, so...

Yep, there's all your shit, Gus.
Just boxes of DVDs.

They're not DVDs.

- They're Blu-rays.
- Whatever.

So when you call them DVDs,
you just actually end up

sounding, like, super stupid.

Okay, well, it's just shit
you can watch online.

You can't watch it online, okay?

These Blu-rays have, like,
exclusive, special features, you bitch!

Great, it's just gonna be a bunch
of plastic that ends up in a landfill.

You're right, you're right.
I'm a huge asshole

because I like special features.

No one cares about the special features.

I do.
I care about special features.

I think they rule
and I think they're awesome.

You know what the problem
actually is with you?

- Oh, tell me.
- That's it. We're done.

Here you go. Mmm?

Look, whatever you were
gonna say to him,

he doesn't need to hear it right now.

You know, Natalie,

I can't believe you woke up
one morning and just said,

"My life would be better without Gus,"

but... lucky you.

You got your wish.

You know what, fuck her.

It's like, she never loved me.

Our whole relationship
was, like, fuckin' bullshit.

Yeah, well, guess what?
Most are.

You know what?
That's so true.

And nobody ever tells you that.

Nobody ever just pulls you aside
and goes,

"Hey, just so you know,
relationships are fucking bullshit."

So I just keep believing
in this fucking lie

that a relationship evolves
and gets better and...

It's like, why do I believe that?

Where do these lies come from?

And it's like, "Oh, I know,
fucking songs, and books,

and, you know, movies."

All these movies I've watched...

- Mmm-hmm.
- ...they're not real.

They're lies. They're lies
like me and Natalie were lies.

You know, it's like...
what am I doing with these?

- Pleasantville?
- Ugh.

It's like, fuck you, Pleasantville.

Just fuck off!

- Whoa! Yeah!
- No, I shouldn't have...

No, I like it. Do it again.

Pretty Woman?

Pretty Woman is such a lie.

Like, a prostitute
wouldn't fall in love with you.

She would just, like,
steal your shit and sell it for coke.

- Fuck you!
- Yeah, do it!

- Go get 'em, tiger!
- Oh, my God, this feels...

It's like, Goodfellas?

It's like, I listen to these
fuckin' commentaries

with Scorsese and it's like,

"Oh, hey, guess what,

uh, all the food in Goodfellas
is based on my mom's recipe."

It's like, who cares?

- Yeah!
- Fucking lies!

Like, go make lasagna with your mom
and leave us alone!

Toy Story 3?

It's like, fuck you, Pixar.

You can't keep it up!
The pressure's too high!

Your movies suck now, Pixar.

Yeah!
Cars 2 was a piece of crap!

Sweet Home Alabama?

- Ugh!
- Lies.

- What Women Want? Lies!
- Ugh!

When Harry Met Sally?

- Fucking lies!
- Lies!

- Homeland season three?
- Very confusing.

Yeah. Like she could ever
just sneak into Iran!

It's like, fuck off!

All these Blu-rays have been
fuckin' weighing me down.

Get it out of my life.

- Fuck!
- Phew!

Why did I throw out
all my Blu-rays?

It's okay, buddy. You're just tired.

Come on.

All right, duder.

Let's get you all snuggled up.

Ugh! I feel like I'm gonna, like...

- Shoes.
- Oh.

I think I might just, like, you know,

I just, like, want to curl up
and, like, watch Armed and Dangerous.

Did I throw that out?

Yeah, you threw 'em all away.

Why?

Oh, my gosh. Thank you.

I just...
Why did I do that?

I just, like, I'm...

I flipped out in front of you
at Natalie's, like,

I'm so embarrassed.

Dude, I'm the queen of eating shit.
You should never be embarrassed.

I've been waiting for somebody to say
that to me, like, my whole life, so...

means a lot.
Thank you.

Hey, hanging out today was, like...
fun, right?

We had...
It was fun time.

Yeah.
Normally, I hate meeting people,

but I didn't hate you.

Um...

can I get your phone number?

Sure, yeah. Let's do it.

Well, you don't have to or anything.

- No, let's do it.
- It's just...

Might be good.

All right.

Bye.

Bye. Sorry, I'm...

Gus-Gus!

I have that rug, but I have it in orange.

Mmm. I wanted the orange one.

Good night, you little weirdo.

Come on, Fluffy.

Fluffy!

Hello, Fluffy.

What is this film?

Armed and Dangerous.
That's John Candy.

Who?

Um, have you ever seen Uncle Buck?

Nope.

Uh, Vacation?

I don't know it.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles?

I haven't seen that.

- Splash?
- Of course.

He's the guy who gets hit in the nuts
with the racquetball.

Oh, I love him!

Hey, I got him!

How do you know
about this movie?

Gus told me about it.

He said they filmed it near here.