Louis Theroux's Altered States (2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - #DUPE# - full transcript

So, these are of when he was.
when he was born,

and we were there
for his actual birth.

So you were actually in the room
when Isaiah was delivered?

Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.

I remember us carrying him,

and I was just crying.

And I thought, "This hurts."

You were crying?
Yeah.
Why?

And I continued to cry
for a few weeks.

My heart broke for Trina.

I knew that she would be hurting,
and that this was really



hard for her,

and my heart broke for Isaiah,
because I knew that he was losing

a huge part of himself,

right in that moment.

I was in Southern California,
exploring a very different

approach to adoption…

How much would I be
looking at paying?

It's, like, 40,000
any more to adopt.
Wow!

…open adoption, in which hopeful
parents pay tens of thousands

to agencies to be matched
with pregnant mums.

If she changes her mind,
I think we get back,

like, ten or, like, nothing.

VOICEOVER: The practice aims to
eliminate secrecy and stigma.

This place is grim.



But it also comes with risks…

Other than knowing that there's
been drugs and arrests,

you don't really know what else?

…and hinges on the hardest
decision imaginable -

letting go of a child.

It's our grandchild…
Our grandchild.
…biologically,

but it's their child to raise.

They're the winners,
we are the losers.

Five minutes or less,
we'll hear a knock on that door

and Patricia will step through.
Did she answer when you called?

She did, she always
answers when I call.

At a questionable motel,
somewhere south-east of Los Angeles,

I was with adoption facilitators
Irene Riley and Mel Galloway.

You just have to know
the hours of her operation.

She's not getting up before 12.

Oh, look at their boys!

Irene's business involves finding
pregnant mums who feel unable

to keep their babies and introducing
them to parents looking to adopt.

She knows we're all watching her.

Today she was meeting
Patricia Rojas, a former nurse

and mother of three, who,
following a series of setbacks,

had been leading a hand-to-mouth
existence in motels.

Come on in, my friend.
How are you?
Hi.

Good, how are you?
Good to see you.

OK, Patricia, so,
how are you feeling?

Good.

The baby's growing, kicking me,
like, just non-stop, so…

OK, well, we brought profiles
for you to look at,

but a couple of things first
that I want to go over with.

The commitment
to doing the adoption.

You know, the couples
have been through miscarriages,

stillborns, failed adoptions,

and so if you're not 100% sure
that this is the best thing

for you and the best
thing for this baby,

then we'll try to help you with some
programmes or something like that.

This is not, like…this is a big
situation for me to be in,

you know, and it's just stressful.
Especially because I have no
contact with the father,

I don't know where he is.

You know, so I'm going
through all of this by myself.

No, you're not by yourself.
You have us.
No, but you know what I
mean.

So your whole being tells
you the best thing for you and this

baby is to do an adoption?
Yeah.

You're thinking about the happiness
of the child?
Absolutely.

That's why I'm doing
the adoption in the first place,

because it's not about me,
it's not about anybody else

but my child. Yeah.

All right, well, Mel's going to tell
you about some wonderful couples
that he has.

I'm going to do it this way.

I'll let you pick one
and we'll talk about them.

There you go. OK, so you're looking
at David and Hope.

They have no children.

So this would be their first child.

So now we've got Aaron and Jean.

Aaron is a chef.

Jean is a certified
orthodontist assistant.

Um, I'll pick that one.

You have…

…I believe that's Ari
and Amy, isn't it?
Yes, in Texas.

They have three sons.

And guess what they really,
really, really want.

A little girl.
Yeah.

I want you to realise
that when I walk out of here today,

you don't have to say,
"This is where my baby's going."

But I am going to ask you to go,
"One, two, three," in them.

To me, these are pretty much even,
but I like this family.

Is that Ari and Amy?
Yeah.

The one with three boys already?
Yeah.

Don't you feel their cup
overfloweth already?
No, no.

I like it when there's a little bit
of chaos in a family.
Yes, yes.

Because it gives you, it gives you
character, you know?

It just… Yeah, I like that.

So, you've got Amy and Ari.
Yes.

It's strange to think this decision
could have life-changing

consequences.
On both ends, yeah.
Yeah, at every level.

Open adoption is increasingly
the way adoption is done in the US.

It is a billion-dollar industry.

The price of a newborn baby runs
to tens of thousands,

covering the costs of agencies,
legal fees and living expenses

for the birth mums.

Irene Riley's business,
Rainbow's End Adoptions, is one

of the smaller outfits.

"Birth parents - your decision
to place your child for adoption is

"one of the most difficult decisions
you will make in your life."

The house she shares
with her husband of 50 years serves

as its unofficial headquarters.

"Through adoption, you'll be able
to make the loving decision

"to place your baby with a family
who meets your criteria."

And then you can meet waiting
parents?
Yeah, on the internet.

How much would I be looking to
paying just to sort of get on the

books as an adoptive couple?

An average adoption costs 35,000,
maybe even 40,000 any more. There
are different…
To go all the way

through to the end?
To go all the way, yeah, yeah.

It's a huge decision
to place your baby for adoption.

What are the factors that mean
someone makes that choice?

OK, there are lifestyles -
drugs, jail.

Then we have other girls
that already have several kids.

We even have a husband and wife
that are expecting another child

and just literally cannot afford
to have another child,

and so they choose it. A lot of
girls…
So, financial insecurity?

Financial, that's the biggest.
That's number one.

You know, adoption is good,
adoption is hard.

You know, the stories are sad
because the birth mother

knows this is the best thing for her
child, but she's sad.

This is an emptiness, this is
a loss. You know, she felt this

baby growing in her,
she laboured to give birth to it,

and then somebody else
is enjoying this amazing child.

Given the chaotic nature
of the lives of many of the birth

mums, those from more stable
backgrounds are highly sought-after.

What size do they think the baby is?

Um, they say he's normal right now.

Normal size.
Don't know how many pounds he is,

but they said I'll be able
to deliver normal.

20-year-old Jessica Miller
is a non-drinker, non-drug-user,

with no criminal record
and in a relationship.

We were en route
to her eight-month scan.

Sometimes they have to do
episiotomy. Do you know what
episiotomy is?

Well, that's when they will cut you,
then they do stitches.

And that's a little tender. Like I
said, give it a week, two weeks at
the very most, and you're up and

running, you know?

You go, "Yeah, this is
great, I can… I can do that."

Stitches sound awful.
Well, you know…

You're freaking ME out!
THEY LAUGH

Does she really need
to know all this?
Yes, she does.

Do you want to know this stuff?
No!
OK.

Then, then he's right.

Miss Jessica Miller, here
to see Hillary.

Hi, Hillary.
Hi, Jessica.
How you doing?
Good.
OK.

Go ahead and lie back.

The mum Jessica had chosen for the
baby, Cat, was also at the scan.

You said he's been moving
around a lot, right?

Mostly at night, though.

So it feels to me like he's head
down, but we will absolutely,
of course, double-check

that with the ultrasound.
Let's take a look and see.

Do you want to hold her hand?
All right.

So, let's take a peek here.

Got a hand right here,
and a little eye socket and a cheek.

So, most babies do
like to have their hands

up by their face.

And we're also taking a nice peek at
his heart, right here.

BABY'S HEART BEATS

It was a little surreal -
the joy of a new life

inside Jessica, and
the knowledge that she would,

in all likelihood,
not be raising him.

I was curious about Jessica's
reasons for choosing adoption.

She invited me to the family home
in Anaheim to meet her mum,

Alison.
DOORBELL RINGS

Hello! Hi, guys. Can we come in?

Yeah.
Thank you.

Here you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.

Um, this is a lot for
Jessica to go through.

Correct.
And then you have no
grandchildren hitherto?

This would be the first.

Your preference would
have been for the baby not to be put

up for adoption?
We've been
supportive. It's been hard.

We've talked about different things,
you know, at times,

of, you know, my husband and
I raising the child,

and then as they got settled,
you know, being able to give him

back over to them,
so then they could proceed,

but it was a little bit
too far down the line.

We kind of had a little
blow-up about it,

which wasn't the best.

Sometimes it gets a little heated
and we don't see eye to eye.

We're learning a little bit
better to communicate,

and, you know, we're still
working through that.

And it can be quite turbulent?

Yes.
Physical?

Sometimes I…I will drink a little
bit too much

and then my….my emotions get

the better of me and then certain
situations might come out,

and then…then we get into it
a little bit more, so…

We've…we've tried to resolve
them over the year.

Just trying not to get
physical with each other.

As far as the tiffs,
wrinkles, the blow-ups

in your relationship
with each other, that would change

your attitude to having a baby?

Like, keeping the baby?
Mm-hm.
I'm still not fully an adult yet,

so my mentality is just, "OK,
I don't think I'm able to raise

"a child at this point."

At the same time, I see it as a way

for him to grow as a human and learn

more traits with them

and learn more stuff
than what we could probably provide

for him here.

What is your heart-of-heart
feeling about it?

It's very hard. I'm losing…

Are you OK?
Yeah.
Are you really OK?

Yeah, really I am.

I'm losing my grandchild.

Even though I know he's going
to be raised by a good,

loving couple that
can't have children.

But it's still a part
of me that's going,

and I won't be able to be a part of.

So, I try, I try to stay neutral

and I don't try to cry in front

of her, because I don't
want to influence,

you know, the decision behind that.

And it's…it's tough.

I mean, I only get
to see pictures of him,

which would be better than,
you know, having a closed adoption

where I would never
get to see him at all.

So…

When he's born, it'll be like
a death in the family again for me,

except there's no closure, because,
you know, there's no…

…there's no place to go to mourn,

except in my heart.

How does that make you feel?

It kind of makes me hurt a little.

And I'm not doing it
to be mean or spiteful,

but I, you know…

…it's just a part of…

…you know, it's a part
of the grieving process.

And, you know, for Cat and Daniel

being able to fulfil their family

that they can't do themselves,

that's where I guess
I find solace in.

You know, the whole…the whole bit.

One of open adoption's selling
points is the possibility of staying

in touch post-birth
in a big, extended family.

This is my scooter.

This is it.
Very nice.
Can I have a go?

Isaiah was adopted at birth
from his biological mum,

Trina Williams.

Can I just try riding it?
Yeah.

This doesn't go up any, does it?
No.

Now, ten years on,
a reunion was on the cards.

Louis, don't kill yourself!

I broke my arm riding down there.

He's OK!

So, did they tell you much
about why we're filming?

I'm pretty sure it's about me
being adopted, right?

Yes.
Yep.

Yeah, I know why.

I'm excited to meet my birth mom.
I bet.
I'm very excited.

What do you think
it's going to be like?

It's going to be exciting.

Your mum said that you'd been keen
to meet her for a while.

Oh, yeah. I've been waiting for,
like, ten years.

Every time I had a birthday,
I would cry sometimes

because she…wasn't there.

I wondered about the challenges
of raising a child not biologically

yours, and what it had been
like for Isaiah's mum, Joanne.

So, Isaiah's always known
that he was adopted?

Around four…
Yeah.
…yeah, is when
we really started saying,

"Hey, you weren't in my tummy."

And they say, "Well, why?"

And I explained,
"Because my tummy was broken."

And then you kind of introduce
the fact that there was this other

lady that held you in her tummy
for nine months and gave

birth to you.

And then you kind of have to
explain, you know, that she couldn't

take care of you, and she wanted you
to have two parents, a mummy and

a daddy, and, um, they kind of start
to get it from there.

What connection is there
between a birth mum and a child?

It seems to be a connection
that's just there

from birth,

and I know…I know that
Isaiah feels that.

The connection seems
to be in the heart.

Even though he's never met her?
Yeah.

I think it's something that crosses
every adopting mom's mind, like,

"What if he gets to a certain
age and has decided,

" 'Well, I want to live
with my birth mother,

" 'I want to be with her'?"

Um, so, yeah, that's…
that happens.

How would you deal with that?

It would hurt.

Because I want him to want
to be with us, you know?

I think that's why a lot of adopting
parents might not want the birth

mothers around,
because people ask you,

you know, "Where's his real mom?"

And sometimes I'll say, "Well,
you're looking at her."

Or sometimes I'll say,
"well, she lives in Texas,"

just depending on my mood!
SHE LAUGHS

Cos we're both his real mom.
He has two moms.

Momma, can you shoot?

Why me?
Yes, you. Go.

I'm not that good.
Yeah, shoot.
I'm not that good.
So?

Yes!
Yeah!

Trina, do you know what
you're going to call her, Isaiah?

Oh, I'm going to call her Mom.

But I call mom "Momma".

So, that's Momma, and…

For real?

Momma, I call her Momma. Right?

Right, Momma?

Dadda!
Hi, Nathan?
Hi, how are you?

Louis, how are you doing?
Good, how are you?
Yeah, good.
Nice to meet you.

Joanne's husband, Nathan,
arrived home, and with him their

oldest son, Ethan, also adopted.

Very good.
Ethan?
Yeah.
Louis.

How you doing? Yeah, how's it
going? Nice to meet you.

How are you?
Good, thanks.
Hi.

Isaiah, Joanne was saying
that she's told you all along,

you know, that you were adopted.
Yeah.

And how much do you talk
about how the adoption came about?

Do you know much about that,
why it happened?

I know my dad kind of,
I think, abused her, right?

Is that what happened?

Well, maybe.

Yeah, something like that.
Yeah, and
then, he did, like, drugs

and stuff. Yeah.

So, I'm glad I'm adopted.

Lizard!

Lizard! There's a lizard.

There he goes!
SHE LAUGHS

There's two!
Oh, jeez!

It's gone.

In Anaheim, at her latest motel,
Patricia was preparing for a Skype

call with the family
she'd chosen for her baby -

Ari and Amy Lund in Texas.
RINGING TONE

Amy, Ari, how are you?
Hi, how are you?

I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

And I've got Patricia here with me.

Hi.

Hi!
Nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you.

And likewise.
So, here we are.

Now is the time to start firing
away questions and get to know each
other.

It's an exciting time
for the three of you right now.

That's what I was going to ask is
what made you think about adoption,

and how do you feel about it,
and…

Um, I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm obviously not technically
happy that I'm doing it,

but I am happy that I'm doing it,
you know? I never thought I would
be in this position, ever.

But I don't have family and I know
how it is to be by yourself,

and that's so important,
to have stability and family

and people to be there
for you when you need them,

and I can't provide
that for her, so…

One of the questions
I was going to ask you was,

what about our profile
caught your attention?

With my kids, I'm real silly, you
know? I probably embarrass them
more than…

They're always, like, "Mom!"
you know?

And I think that's important,
to be able to be, you know,

to be silly and not be so
serious all the time,

and the fact…just the way…
I loved your Halloween costume.

One year I made my daughter a skunk,
she was a baby, and the fact that
you guys were little pigs I thought

was awesome. I'm, like, "Oh, my God,
that's something I would do,"
you know?

I just… I thought it was so cute.
It was so nice to meet you.
Likewise, likewise.

And we just want to tell
you how thankful we are.

I know this is such
a hard decision for you,

but we're thankful that we get

to be part of it with you and go
through it with you,

and we want you to know that we
realise what a gift you're giving
us.
Thanks.

All right, well, we'll be in contact
soon, folks.
Perfect, thank you.

All right, have a great one.

I think the only question
that was kind of lurking

behind-the-scenes was,
you come across as so

self-possessed and confident that
the question would be,

"Look, what in your life is making
you incapable of being a mother to
her?"
No, no, no.

I think that's wording it wrong.
Not incapable. She has her reasons.

Her life has kind of gone the wrong
way for a while now.

But that didn't come
up in the conversation.
No, I…

But I think that would be more
personal.
Yeah, I don't know if they
want to know.

There's too many what-ifs.
Like, even just something simple,
like if I was to get sick right now,

there's literally nobody
that would come to help me.

I don't have that.
I don't have anybody.

I don't have anybody that I can say,
"Oh, I know for sure that this
person will help me with the baby."

Well, we've spoken about that and
I'm just curious whether they wonder
what it is that's stopping

you from being a mother.
Trust me,
I've had a lot of people in my life
tell me,

"Oh, you know, you can do it
yourself,"

and it's not about that. She's
having the opportunity to have
a much better life, you know,

and be happier, and just everything.

Everything.
Be wanted, be loved and
be…
Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's… Yeah.

With Ari and Amy on board,
Patricia's living expenses would now

be paid by them
at around 1,800 a month.

But like many of Irene's birth mums,
Patricia had been leading a chaotic

life, including some
run-ins with the law.

I wondered whether Irene and Mel
saw for any cause for concern.

I guess, for me, it's helpful to
know what's motivating this massive

decision that she's making.

So, do you know Patricia's
full criminal history?

I don't need to know
the whole extent.

All I need to know is
that she's never been accused

of any violent crimes,
any with guns, armed robbery

or any of that type of stuff,

because we would have to share
that with the adoptive couple.

And is she being tested for drugs?

Um, no,

but if the couple wants
us to, then we can.

They do know that she does
have a past where she has done

drugs, and if they wanted, we can do
it and will do it,

and we have done it on many girls.
Yeah, Patricia's aware of that.

Do you think she's full steam ahead?

From the moment she saw their photo,
she knew that's where

she wanted to go. And even before
that, the conversations that I had
with her, she wanted to move

forward in this direction. Today,
this is where she wants to go.

What's going to be her response
tomorrow? Who knows?

I'd become curious about the family
whose hopes were pinned on a woman

they knew little about.

Ari and Amy live in
North Dallas, Texas.

They were now several weeks
and thousands of dollars

into the process, with no guarantee
of a baby at the end of it.

Wow!

How far have you got along in terms
of preparing for the landing

of the baby?
Have you got a space mapped out?

Mapped out?
I could show you, but
it's not… Mapped out, yes,
created, no.

This will be the baby's room,
and we own everything to make

it her room,
but we haven't done it yet.

You said you have
a name for the wall?

Yes, we actually have had her name
picked out since we started

the adoption process a year ago.

Isaac, what's our baby's
name going to be?
Baby Maya!

Oh, wow!
Where's Baby Maya going to sleep?

In my crib.

Yeah, it's going to be
her crib now, right?

How are you going
to help with the baby?

Like, feeding her bottle.

Her bottle, changing her diapers?

I don't do that usually.

Moms and dads do that usually.

That's Mummy and Daddy's job.

My toys!

What's behind having another baby,
and specifically to adopt

rather than other ways, I suppose?

We lost two pregnancies
in between Isaac and his brother,

and we had a difficult time
with Isaac's pregnancy.

I had to take shots every day
and all sorts of medication.

So, we could spend a lot of money
to get pregnant again

and make it complicated,

or we could spend a lot
of money and adopt a baby,

and not go through all
the health issues.

So, between skipping the health
issues and we wanted a fourth child,

I'm one of four, he's one of four,
we've always wanted four.

So we thought,
"This is the way to do it."

And I finally get to adopt a baby.

Has this been expensive?

Very.
Very. Go on, give me an idea.

About 50 at the…
50,000?

Yeah.
Yes.

If she changes her mind,
I think we get back,

like, ten or, like, nothing.

It's a little stressful.

But you're not allowing
that to upset your sense

of optimism about this?

He will remind me, like,
"If we get a baby," which is…

And then I'll say, "I think that
enough, like, I don't need help,"
you know.

So we try to keep
each other positive.

I guess you just have to hope
and pray that they don't

change their mind.

So, when you go into this baggage
claim area there's usually…

…the people come
down on an escalator.

In Sacramento, Isaiah's birth mum,
Trina, was due to fly in from Texas.

O-o-o-o-oh.

There's some people coming.

Why does everyone
have their hair dyed?

Ten years after a baby
was handed over at a hospital,

it would be a test of how
open adoption can work.

She's got to hurry up.

It landed… It only landed five
minutes ago, I think.

Oh, five minutes ago?

OK, we might have a couple
of minutes, then.

Isaiah's excitement was clear.

I could only assume Joanne's
feelings were more complicated.

I can't believe it's been ten years.
This is crazy.

There she is.
Yay!
Look how pretty!
Oh, my God!

Go get her, go get her.
Go get her, go get her.

Ha-ha! Oh, she's gorgeous!

Hi!
How are you?
Oh, my God!
You're beautiful! Watch out.

Oh, my God!
You're so beautiful!

Hi.
How are you?
Good.
Oh, my God.

Aawww!

He's so beautiful!

You're amazing.

How have you been?
Good.

I'm all messy. Hi. How are you guys?

Look at you!

You look great.

How are you?
I'm good.
Hello.
So good to see you.

How have you been?
You look beautiful.
Oh, thank you.

Look at you. Isn't she so
beautiful?

Hi, baby.

Did a good job.
I know!
He's doing
a good job.
Yeah, thank you!

You OK, honey?
Yeah.
You had an OK flight?

It was OK, yeah.

So we are parked, like, out there.
OK.

Oh, goodness.
You're here!

I'm here!
You made it.

I did. Thank you, Jesus.

Back home, when some
of the emotion had settled down,

I took a moment to catch
up with Trina and Isaiah.

I, um…

…I told you when you were
in my tummy that I loved you,

and that I was just giving
you a chance to have a better life,

have a good life, with good people.

I always wanted you to be OK.

I'm glad you're OK.
Mm-hm.

Your parents are wonderful people.

You know, one of the questions
that I remember asking them

before he was born was,
"If there was anything

"that were to happen to you,
what would you do with Isaiah?"

And they said, "We would
give him back to you."

And that was so special,
because I never thought

that they would include me
later on down the line.

You know, they say
it's an open adoption,

and you hope for the best,

and, you know, you get your pictures
and you have your contact,

and you write your letters, but, you
know, for them to have included me

for his future

meant the world to me,

honestly.

I was astounded by that.

Grateful that they would
even include me.

They're beautiful people.

Yeah. Especially me!

Especially you.
SHE LAUGHS

He is funny.

You want to play video games?

Yeah, maybe in a minute.
All right.
I'll be in in a little bit.

All right, bye.
Love you.
Love you too.
SHE LAUGHS

He's awesome.

Do you think it's possible
that with the right support

you could have been

a mother to Isaiah?

If you'd connected with
services in some way?

I'm going to say no,
and I'm going to tell you why.

I was in my addiction,

and although I had went straight
while I was pregnant

and I was clean and sober
for him to be born,

I wasn't done living that lifestyle.

I wasn't ready to quit.
I wasn't ready to…

…I had no business being a mom.

I was high every day
or drunk every day.

What was the drug?
Methamphetamines.
Meth?
Yeah.

You were in your early 30s then.
Yeah. That's when I met his dad.

And we were selling drugs together,
doing drugs together.

And so, when I got pregnant, we got
into an altercation one night.

He came home extremely high,
angry, alcohol on his breath,

and he…he beat me pretty bad,

while I was pregnant with Isaiah.

And, um…

…left me, left me there,

on the floor.

And I remember praying to God,
and I said, "If you save me

"and this baby, I promise

"that I'll do what's right for him."

And I tried to find him
the best family I could,

that I thought would love him
and take care of him.

But I couldn't have done
this three, four years ago.

I just couldn't have.

But, you know, I'm sober,

I'm living a good life,

a Christian life.

God has been really good to me.

And I'm to the point now
where I can be a little bit

more open and honest
about where I've been and

what I've come through
and who I am today.

I'm kind of proud of who I am now.

It's not so bad.

Life is good.

ALL:
Hey!

Is my boy happy?

That evening, the facilitator
who'd helped Nathan and Joanne

with their two adoptions was
hosting an extended reunion.

Let's eat, ladies and gentlemen.

As well as Trina, Ethan's birth mum,
Jennifer, was also there.

Look at our family.
I know, right?
It's huge, it's awesome!

One vast family,
biological and adoptive.

That it could happen seemed
a tribute to open adoption.

I love you.

I love all of you.

Whether it would lead to a closer
ongoing relationship

was hard to predict,

but for the moment there was
plenty to celebrate.
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

In Anaheim, Jessica was in hospital,
two weeks pas her due date

and nudging towards
a medically-induced delivery.

Hello? Hello.

Did you sleep OK last night?
Kind of.

I woke at midnight
and didn't go back to bed.

You're looking good.

With her was Irene,
and the birth father,

Brandon Rousseau.

I've got to say, you are looking
a lot fresher than Brandon is.
SHE LAUGHS

Are you OK, Brandon?
I'm just tired.

Tired? You've been napping
a little on the sofa.

Oh, definitely.

Have they given you any sense
of how long it could take, Jessica?

No, they said it could
take up to hours,

and I'm fine with that.

So, like, I don't know how long
it's going to take.

Who knows?

Well, we should let you rest, OK?

You've got a job ahead of you yet.

Two, two pushes you get, though, OK?
OK.

Well, we'll check in a bit later.

See you later, guys.
See you.
OK.

Among those anxiously
waiting were Cat and Dan,

the intended adoptive parents.

My stomach's churning a little bit.
I bet.

So, this could be not
till tomorrow morning.

So, you're trying to figure
out your next move?

Do they sit here all
night long, or…

I mean, if I were having a baby,
I would be up anyway.

So I'm thinking, I'm just
powering through this.
OK.

I want to be here.

That's a good way to look at it.

That's a really good
way to look at it.

Compounding their stress
was an experience they'd had earlier

in the year with a birth mother
who ended up keeping her baby

and had also been taking money
from another couple.

I took her to every single
doctor's appointment,

and I spent so much time with her,

and the fact she was lying to us,
I mean, we'd built a relationship

with her, and that…that
was almost more painful, that…

Not more painful, the whole
experience was painful,

but that…

…the fraud, the lying was…

The betrayal?
Yeah.

So you went from being excited
for a baby, an addition

to your family, and then, in the
space of a couple of weeks,

it all just…
Actually, in a day.
One day.
We were at the hospital.

When they were at a hospital.

When she called me, she was almost
uncontrollable and crying, and…

Actually, I don't know that we want
to bring all this up. We're supposed
to be happy right now.

Come on, we've got to get
all the smiles on our face

and be happy for the situation

that Jessica's presenting.

Baby Cassiel arrived in the small
hours of December 9th,

weighing 9lbs 2oz.

But the happy news also meant
the decision of whether Brandon

and Jessica would really go
through with the adoption

was suddenly very real.

And now there was the complicated
question of who took precedence

for visiting the baby.

At the back of the line
were Jessica's parents.

How are you doing, guys?
So, the baby's here. Are you OK?
No.

It's a lot to take on, isn't it?

You feel a bit left
out of the process?

Oh, we feel a lot left out.

Brandon went in, and Cat went in,
and…
And that's the last we…

That's all we got.
That's all we got.

I went in there and said, "I'd at
least like to find out what's

"going on with my daughter." They
said, "Oh, she's in surgery right
now."

And that's the last we heard
until Brandon came out and said,

"Oh, she's out of surgery.
The baby was 9lbs 2oz."

And that was all he gave us.

Cat and Dan got the baby
straight after he was born?

Mm-hm.
Within, like, an hour?

We respect the parents.

It's their child, you know.
It's our grandchild.

It's our grandchild bi…
Biologically, but it's their child
to raise.

For them, it's fantastic.

I'm happy.
I think they'll be great parents.

I believe, honestly,
they're the winners,

we are the losers, in my…
in our…in my opinion,

because we've just lost our…
we've lost a grandchild.

SHE SOBS

We're hurt.

Very hurt.

I love him, and I hope him the best,
and he'll always be in my heart,

and I wish them the best.

If he would want to get in touch
with me, please don't have any anger

towards his mother for
what they chose to do.

I don't know,
it's too raw right now.

It's going to be tough.

Moments later, Cat and Dan invited
Alison and Jay to spend some time

with the baby.

By law, Jessica now had 30
days to make up her mind

about whether to go
through with the adoption.

But she could also choose to release
the baby straight away.

With all this hanging in the air,
Irene arrived and I joined

her in a visit to the new mother.

Oh, good.

Congratulations, Jessica.

And congratulations, Brandon.

So, have you seen the hunk?

After he was born, they didn't show
him to you?
I was out cold.

Did they put you totally to sleep?
No, I passed out.
No, she fell
asleep.

So, Brandon, you were
awake for the delivery.

Did you get a good look at him?

I was happy to see him,
check him out, make sure

he was good and healthy.
And they seemed pleased?

They're really happy.

Cat kept talking about
how perfect he was.

He had a red face, so
that's one of the things

I remembered, that babies are
supposed to have a nice big, red
face.

And a full head of hair.

I mean, the baby
is with Cat and Dan,

but, as of this moment,
legally, you know, he's yours,

he belongs to you.
You know that, right?

Do you still feel on board
with everything and the process

of the adoption and everything else?

Yeah. It's pretty much a relief

that he's healthy and such. So,
it's, like…

I'm happy that he's healthy.

It's always what you want for
a baby. It's, like, "Yay!"

Well done, Jessica.
You've done brilliantly.

You're a star.

Try and get some rest and we'll see
you in a little bit.

I thought it was important
to remind Jessica and Brandon

that the decision to place Cassiel
was still not final.

But, after the visit,
Irene took me aside for a word.

Sometimes the questions
are a little bit hard, I'm sorry.

You don't like my questions?

No, I like most of them, but
sometimes it's a little bit,
a little bit hard.

I think it's important that people
get a sense that it is difficult.

Yes, yes.
You know, it is a huge
decision,

and Brandon and Jessica,
because they're reserved,

and they don't display
their emotions readily,

that that doesn't mean
that they're not feeling it deeply.

Of course, of course.

Do you ever feel that maybe
she doesn't want to make
it too real to herself?

Even though she's developed
a relationship with Cat and Dan,

she doesn't want too much of a
relationship with them, because it
just keeps…
Why?

Well, it's a reminder,
and it's just, you know,

she's trying to keep this separate.
She's trying not to bond.

Two days after the birth,
Jessica proved firm in her decision

to place Cassiel for adoption,

and by mutual agreement
he was released to Cat and Dan.

BABY CRIES

I know, I know.

OK, that's better.

All right, OK, you're done.

It was a moment charged with
profound happiness and sadness -

a decision almost too momentous
to comprehend or to judge.

For Jessica and Brandon,
an immeasurable loss.

For Cat and Dan,
a life-changing gift.

Patricia was being increasingly
elusive, tending to meet Irene only

when there was money
to be exchanged.

I was becoming concerned
that she was still involved

with drugs and that her intentions
might not be entirely honourable.

This place looks pretty
rough around the edges.
Yeah.

Oh, this is good for some
homes she's been at.

This place is grim.

Patricia, we are at the hotel
to give you the money

to pay your friend. Call me.
Otherwise I have to leave, period.

MUSICAL RINGTONE
Patricia, Patricia Rogers.

Hey, we're still here at the hotel.
Where are you at?

Hi, I'm on Dell and Lincoln.

We ran out of gas, so…

You, you…you ran out of gas?
Yeah. It's been terrible today.

Well, I thought you were going
to stay here at the hotel.

I know, there's other
hotels in the area.

I can look online really quick
to see what's close

so I can meet you. We're just
trying to get some gas right now.

Who's she with?

Hold on, hold on just a second.

OK.
I muted it.
So, what do we want to do?

She doesn't sound good.
Shall we, um…

…drive down there
and bring them some gas?

All right. We'll come, we'll come
bring gas, OK?
OK, thank you.

All right, bye.
Let's go.

SAT NAV:
In 1.1 miles, turn left
onto South Harbour Boulevard.

Pretty close.

You don't have a gas can?

No, we don't. I didn't bring it.
I didn't even think.

What are we going to put the gas in,
if we get over here

to the gas station?
We'll have to buy a gas can.

OK, thank you, uh-huh.

I don't know how to pump gas, so…
I do.
…I guess you get to pump gas.

We just have to fill it up.
OK. So…

We've got to fill it up.

So, here's 155, cos she's got
the 20 and the change of the 20.

Just to take a step back,
it's been a while since we saw you.

Nice to see you again.
How are you feeling?

I've been all right, yeah.
Is life OK?
It's all right.

Up and down?
Yeah.

It's been good up until,
you know, stuff happens.

Is the adoption still on track?
Yeah.
You're still…
As much as…

I mean, I would have liked
to have been getting

more things together than I…
I'm doing the whole scrapbook thing,

but…
For Ari and Amy?
Yeah.
We went out to Texas to visit them.

Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh! How was that?
Yeah, it was good.

Lovely, lovely family.
Really lovely family.

When is your due date again?
17th March.
Of March?

So, you're going into this in good
faith, your intention is to go

through with it,
and at the same time you are…

…there's a part of you that's
going to see how it all feels.

Well, yeah, I mean, you don't know
until you go through something

how it's going to…how it's going
to feel or whatever,

but I'm preparing myself the best
way I can for it, you know, and…

And you have consistently said
it's not about what's best for you,

it's about what's best for the baby.
It's not. Yeah, because it's not.

I'll walk you to the car.
OK, OK.

Again, any questions
or anything, let me know.

Is he already here with the…
No, no.

All right, bye.
Bye.

Call me, though, if you guys
have any questions.
OK, we will do.

Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.

What is going on?

Nothing any different than normal.

I feel her sincerity with doing it.

I feel she's disconnected
from a lot of things

and dysfunctional.

What is your "professional"
opinion on it?

I find these vague references
to difficult situations and chaos…

Other than knowing that there's
been drugs and arrests,

you don't really know what else.
Correct.

Have they got Patricia?

Did you see Patricia in there?
She's in the back, I think.

Oh, OK.
The car's for sale, 600 bucks.

Sounds good, doesn't it?
It sounds like a good deal.

Yeah, but I think I'll pass.

In Sacramento, it was more than two
months since Isaiah's reunion

with his biological mum.

Which ones are from Trina?

Trina's are…
"Hello, sweetheart.

"Hi, baby boy, what are you up to?
Love you."

That was the last one,
and that was December 14th.

So it's a month ago.
Yes.

Trina had spoken about
wanting closer contact.

The idea of her moving to California
had even been mentioned.

I wondered where
everything had settled.

Do you have a hope
for how it will go now?

How do you expect that
relationship to go now?

I don't want it to be, like,
where we don't talk at all,

but I just want it to be, like,
every once in a while we talk.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Would you like her to move out here?
Yeah.

If she doesn't move,
for whatever reason,

if she doesn't, how will you be?
I'll be fine.

I understand.
But do you feel a connection?

Yeah.

Based on because she looks like you,
or just kind of something

that you can't quite put into words?
Yeah.

Because she's family, you know?

I guess you could say
things are back to normal.

Just knowing that she's part
of his life, I think,

has been a positive for him.

He seems happier.
Yep.

I think it was kind of like
an icing on the cake for him.

The counterargument, I suppose,
is, does it undermine

the adoptive parents?

Does it confuse the family?

I think it depends on the way…
on the way that you approach the

situation. And I think it kind
of alienates a child,

too, if he feels like, you know,
"There's something there you're not

"telling me, there's
not the whole truth."

But I think they feel more whole
when they have all the answers

in front of them and there's,
like, nothing tricky

about it, nothing weird.
It's more normal, I think.

I hope it's not an unfair question,
Ethan, but did you ever have a sort

of, at any time, feel any sense
of missing something?

I did at first think, you know,
what my life could have been.

Complete different people, yeah.

But it's like, I mean, yeah,
that's all nice and, you know,

it's cool to think about,

but I feel like this turned
out way better.

Especially with the whole
father figure thing.

This guy?

I don't think I could have chosen
a better father…not chosen, but

received a better father figure.
Aawww!

It's easy when you've
got a good kid.

I'm proud of him. This one, too.
Yeah.

WHISPERS:
Don't touch the hair!
THEY LAUGH

Yeah, pride and joy.

Yeah, I don't have any kids
out of my own loins, but…

…I didn't want them.
I wanted these ones.
HE SOBS

Yeah, yeah.

I never wanted it.

It's been a blessing.

LAUGHTER
That thing goes, man!

I couldn't help admiring
the strength Joanne and Nathan had

shown in including their children's
birth mums in their lives.

It was clear Isaiah
had been enriched by the connection.

It was also, I imagined,
a source of great comfort

for Trina, too.

Oh, very nice!

But for all the positives
open adoption can create,

its downside can be huge.

In Texas, word had reached me
of problems with Ari

and Amy's adoption.

Hi. Ari, how are you doing?

Good to see you. May I come in?
Yes, yes.

The situation was not
entirely clear.

Can you tell me a little bit
about what happened?

I got a call from Irene,
and she said,

"Are you sitting down, is Ari with
you?" and I said no.

She said Patricia had delivered
the baby herself in the hotel room

and didn't tell anyone,

"And we don't know where she is,
because she's not staying

"at the hotel she told
us she was staying at."

But a day or two later
she did respond to Irene and say,

"Why won't you all leave me alone
so I can enjoy my new baby?

"You guys are ruining this for me."

Which made me pretty angry.

Because, you know,
that's the point where I still am

telling my kids, and our life is,
you know, we have an empty baby

nursery that we thought we were
bringing a baby home to.

And she is texting us
about how we're ruining her week.

So…

…but I think that was the last
anyone heard from her.

I mean, for me, this has been a very
strange thing to be involved in,

because, you know,

I had sort of taken her at her word

every step of the way,
while also realising that nothing

is 100%, and in fact it's only right
and fair that a woman

should be allowed
to change her mind.
Yes,

but the lying that went along with
it, like, I had been texting her,

like, about setting
up a doctor's appointment,

but she'd already had the baby
and was responding to me.

Really?
Oh, yes.

So we now believe she was lying
the entire time.

Is your sense that
you have been scammed?

Mine? Yes.

Do you…do you know how much

money she got from you?

I think it's, like, about 10,000.

It's hard to believe
that someone would go into this…

doing this for 10,000.

Is there anything you would
want to say to her?

I should have prepared
for that question.

I really don't know
a way to make it better.

I mean, there's just no…

Again, like I said, if she was a
16-year-old girl

who had the baby and
fell in love with it and

you were like, "Oh, well, you know,
that's what's best for the baby."

Like, it's always good to stay
with your birth mother,
if that's a possibility.

No-one wants to separate a family
that wants to be together.

We're not trying to, you know,

take a baby from a mother
who wants that baby.

But there's a way to go about it.

We were ready for her, you know?

We have blankets
with her name on them,

toys, just all sorts of stuff.

So that made it even harder.
I was boiling bottles, you know?

We thought we were having
a baby at any moment.

Like, I went to pre-school pick-up.

The pre-school director says,
"Where's the baby?"
I have to tell her.

And the next day, the music
teacher's doing car pool,
and she says, "Where's the baby?"

I mean, also I have moms
that I hardly even know saying,

"Congratulations, where's the baby?"

So…

…it just makes your day-to-day life
difficult, everywhere you go,

telling people there's no baby,
so…

There is an in-built tension in
open adoption between the needs

of the often vulnerable
birth mums and those of

the ever-hopeful adopters.

It is a process open to abuse and,
however it happens,

pain is intrinsic to it.

But I'd also seen it lead
to new relationships with fewer

secrets, new families,

and, arguably, more love.

In Anaheim, I had one
last visit to make.

Two months after she said
goodbye to her baby,

Cassiel, I was seeing Jessica.

Hey-hey.
Hello.

How are you?
How are you?
Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.
May we come
in?
Yeah.

Looking good. It's been a little
while. Look at you.

I've only seen you in
a family way before.

So this is the, um,
this is the new you?

Yeah.

So, have you been to see him?

Yes.

Does Cat send you updates?
Every now and then.

What do they say?

That he's doing really well,
and if we want to see him,

we can come see him.
Can we see pictures?

Yeah.
Wow!

What a cutie.
Yeah.

I'm aware that this is
an emotional thing for you…
Yeah.

…and through circumstances
and the decision you made,

you ended up placing
him for adoption,

and you would have
to experience that as a loss.

I mean, is that part
of what you're going through?

Er, yeah.

I've been able to handle
it pretty well,

but sometimes, just some days,
I get down in the dumps

and nothing can really cheer me up.

Do you find the emotion wells
up when you've seen Cassiel?

No.
It's nothing to do
with that especially?

No, not at all.

Actually, that actually
makes me happy,

that I get to see him.

It's more, what, the separation?

Yeah.

But the emotions don't cause
you to question what you did?

They don't ever cause me
to question what I did.

Even when I was pregnant,
I always thought that was the best

decision for him,

and even now I still think
it's the best decision for him.

And for you?
Mm-hm.