Louis Theroux's Altered States (2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Love Without Limits - full transcript
- You said you have a lot of sex?
- I do have a lot of sex.
What do you mean by that?
Well, I, I'm in a relationship
with two other women
and my wife and…
…all of them want to have sex
at least once a week, if not more.
So you can do the math on all that.
And do you like that?
It's great.
Who wouldn't want to have my life?
I was in Portland, Oregon,
exploring a radically different way
of looking at love.
Who goes where, if I may ask?
I go in the middle,
Nick is to my left,
and then Bob's over
on the right side.
Polyamory is the practice of
pursuing multiple romantic
relationships with the consent
of all those involved.
Joe asked my permission
to ask her to marry him.
I said, "Yeah! Pshh!
Make her an honest woman!
"Finally!"
THEY LAUGH
It promises more emotional and
sexual fulfilment…
…but with freedom
can come jealousy.
Are you struggling?
It does not feel that it is
for the faint of heart.
And the question of whether
more love also means more risk.
Thinking that polyamory
is going to fix your relationship
is absolutely doomed to failure.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready, yeah.
ELECTRIC STATIC BUZZES
- Hello?
- Hello!
- Hi. Louis. How do you do?
- Hi, I'm Heidi.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Heidi, how do you do? You must be Piper?
- I'm Piper.
- You must be Jerry?
I was with Heidi and Jerry Bringman,
a therapist and an IT analyst
respectively.
Heidi also runs a clothing business
from home.
Good, yeah, very well.
Thank you for allowing me
into your beautiful home…
- It's a pleasure.
- …with so many shirts in it.
- Yes!
- And dresses.
12 years ago, Heidi and Jerry
opened up their marriage.
So, today's Thursday,
you've got…
…someone special coming over.
Do you want to tell me who that is?
Sure. So, erm, Jerry and I have been
married for 16 years,
and Joe and I have been
partnered for five years,
and Joe is coming over
tonight for date night.
And he is your…?
I mean, what would be the word?
- Partner?
- Erm, he's my partner.
- Your partner?
Or, or, sometimes we'll say spouse.
- Spouse? You use that as well?
- We do.
Joe and I got engaged
earlier this year.
- You're engaged?
- I am.
- It's true.
I know, it's kind of
a crazy…idea.
And what's your relationship
with Joe, would you say?
Well…
I mean, how do you describe him?
Erm, overall, he's my friend.
He's family.
Erm, which is…
family of choice, you know?
So there isn't a special term
for how you relate to him?
He's obviously not your husband.
- He's not my husband.
- Metamour is the…
Metamour, I guess would
be the appropriate term.
Metamour?
- Mm-hmm.
- Meta, beyond she and I.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm conscious we're talking
about this in front of Piper.
Yes.
- Is that… Is that appropriate?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- You're OK with hearing this?
- Of course!
I mean, they're my family.
May I tell you how we explained it
to her when she was really small?
- Please.
- Sure.
OK, so you know how, when you go
over to your friend's house,
and you sleep over?
She's like, "Yeah".
I said, "Our family
is different in
"that our grown-ups have
sleepovers". That's it.
And it wasn't until much later
that we talked about what sleepovers
entail, that kind of thing.
Joe brings about a love
that I could never give to Heidi.
He brings about a happiness
that I can't,
because you're taking two individual
people, elements, mixing them,
and making something new.
It's…not chemistry,
but it is chemistry, you know?
So at what point did you decide
that you were poly?
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, goodness.
- Uh, 12 years ago?
- Yeah, 12 years ago.
- Really?
Through a series of quite
a few events.
I ended up with
post-partum depression,
and I had a really difficult time,
so I started reaching outward
to friends,
to people that I really
needed a lot of support.
And in that time, I had contacted
an old friend who I hadn't seen
in 15 or 20 years,
and he was able to give me a lot
of the emotional support
that I needed at that time.
- A male friend?
- A male friend.
And I realised that I wanted more
contact with him,
and it was, I was like "Whoa,"
like, this is not OK.
And I immediately ran upstairs
and I told Jerry.
I was, like, "You know, I'm having
these feelings,
"and I'm really having
a hard time with it. I'm scared.
"I don't know what to do."
And we talked about it.
- This wasn't Joe back then, was it?
- No, no.
- It was not.
It must have been upsetting for you.
Basically, your wife…
To a point, yes.
…telling you that she's got
feelings for someone else.
Well, what do you say to the person
that you love most in the world
when they say they have
feelings for someone else?
It's an adjustment. It was fearful.
Um, it was anxiety producing.
And what did you decide?
Well, at the end of it,
approximately one month,
um…I said, "Go for it."
Trying to get my head round it.
So…
- There's a term for it. Would that help?
- Yes.
There's a term called compersion,
and it means being happy
for someone else's happiness.
For the sake of
their enjoyment, their joy.
And was there a benefit for you
in that?
Well, yes.
I saw you come home in
a better state than you left
and said, "There's merit,
there's benefit."
Did I lose anything?
I don't think so.
There's no victim.
We're all quite happy.
Yeah, agreed.
- Hello?
- Joe!
- Hello.
- Hello!
- She stole my hug!
- She stole my hug?
You get out of here!
You get all of the hugs.
- Mm!
- MUFFLED INDISTINCT SPEECH
- How you doing?
- I'm good.
- THEY KISS
Did you see that, Jerry?
I did.
A man was hugging your wife.
It's a common occurrence!
THEY LAUGH
Um… Well, Heidi just told me that
congratulations are in order
because you got engaged.
Yes. Woohoo!
I've only had four great loves
of my life, and every single one
of them I've wanted to marry,
and Heidi is absolutely one of them.
She is absolutely a great love
of my life.
When I met her, it was over.
It was… There was no question
in my mind.
Because we are not hierarchical,
we do not see this relationship
as underneath this one,
and just like his relationship
with Gretchen, our relationship
is not underneath that one.
We are linear.
So, in my head, he has just as much
right as Jerry does.
A little later, Joe checked in with
his wife Gretchen
and their two kids.
- I love you, baby.
- GRETCHEN:
- I love you too!
Get some rest.
All: Bye!
Love you.
Then it was bedtime.
I would not know there
was a bed in there.
No…
Who's in which bed tonight?
I think you're upstairs,
and it's our turn to be down.
- Cool.
- Pretty sure.
- Works for me.
Sweet!
That means I'm already in bed!
HE SIGHS
HUSHED VOICE:
Love you, baby.
The question of beds naturally
raised a more delicate issue.
In the physical side of things,
obviously, you want to give
each other a bit of space.
I mean, are you conscious
of when that's happening?
You know what I mean?
Like, if you needed to come down and
get a glass of water or a snack,
and you could hear something
was happening…?
I might be particularly loud
coming down the stairs
or something like that.
If I truly thought I was
interfering, in many regards,
I guess I would say something,
say, "I'm on my way down…"
But I don't even really think
that I'm that worried
about what is or isn't
going on down here.
You know? It's… It's OK.
It's agreed to.
Yeah…
HE CHUCKLES
Goodnight.
I can see how tired you are.
I am getting there, yes.
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Sleep well. Thank you.
- I love you, baby. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Polyamory, also known as
ethical non-monogamy,
appears to be on the upswing
in the US -
and nowhere more so than Portland.
A city of 600,000 on America's
liberal north-west coast,
its culture of progressive politics
and high-tech have proved
fertile ground for new ways
of arranging relationships.
Wow! This is nice!
- Is that pretty solid?
- Yeah, you can give it a spin.
Yeah. Oh, it's a spinning one.
- So you just do that?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah!
- Like, you're a professional!
- A natural.
How about that?
Didn't know I could do that!
In a suburban eco homestead,
I had a breakfast appointment
with Joelle, Matthias,
and the newly pregnant AJ.
They're part of a younger generation
in Portland
that views monogamy as a little
outdated
and poly as a new model
for families.
- Louis, so this is yours.
- Oh, wow! I love that.
It's going to be a adorable!
It's so small, though.
It's barely going to cover
the important organs!
Really? Hang it lower.
So, correct me if I'm wrong -
Joelle, this is your place?
- This is my home, yes.
- This is your home.
And how do you kind of interrelate,
if I may put it that way?
Well, Matthias and I are partners.
We've been together for almost
four years,
and then, Matthias
and Joelle started dating…
How long ago?
Like, nine, ten months ago?
- Seven months ago?
- It seems longer, yeah…
Um, but Joelle asked me out first,
but I said, "You know what"?
"I actually think you'd really get
along with my partner Matthias -
you should ask him out!"
And so, there's three of you
in this relationship,
but I think there maybe others
as well - is that right?
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Yes, I have…
I have one other, um… I guess you
could call them a partner.
I don't generally use, um,
I guess, hierarchical terms
in my polydynamics.
I refer to my loves as sweeties
and loves.
How many sweeties do you have?
I have four sweeties.
Do any of them live here?
Um, not fully currently yet,
but Matthias and AJ are going to be
moving into the house next door.
Creating a little,
what would you term it?
I would say, like,
it's definitely a family, like…
Matthias and I like the word family.
Intentional family,
or chosen family.
- You like that term?
- I do, yeah.
- Yeah.
So for AJ and Matthias, you've got
a baby coming.
In a sense, uh…do you need to
prioritise your relationship,
or do you have same attitude
as Joelle?
That it's all basically on a par?
Um, no, you know, I think that we
are prioritising
our relationship, but we both
still date other people.
But he's been a little bit
more protective of our relationship
since I've been pregnant.
- Who would like a coffee?
- Yes, please.
And Joelle?
Milk?
There's two different ways to pour.
I definitely know which I want…
Yeah!
That's great.
- This is delicious.
- Thank you.
How did you crack the eggs,
cos they are perfect?
- You cracked those eggs!
- Did I?
THEY LAUGH
So perfectly cracked,
I only tasted, like,
one little shell so far!
Um, have you ever seen
someone really struggle…?
- Yes.
- …and suffer with polyamory?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
I was actually married
for ten years.
- Was that a polymarriage?
- It was, yes.
My husband dated somebody
who really struggled with polyamory,
and it ended up that she just
was, like,
"Hey, maybe, you should
leave your wife for me."
How did that go after that, then?
I felt betrayed by both of them,
so that was probably
my hardest moments in polyamory.
It made me really…nervous
about moving forward,
which makes me sound paranoid,
but it comes from being hurt
in the past.
That's one of the reasons why
I really like getting to know
the people that my partner
is seeing.
Would you say that polyamory
is not for everybody?
I think you have to be someone
who is willing to know that love
is going to be at
some degree difficult,
and there's going to be something
you're going to have to learn
to navigate.
You know?
I think it's not for
the faint of heart.
Hmm…
It's how I would put it.
Another day, another breakfast.
This time with Gretchen Kvistad.
- Hello.
- Hello!
- You must be Gretchen.
- I am.
- Louis.
- Louis, nice to meet you.
- How do you do?
- Come on in.
Thank you. I'll take these
shoes off…
For 13 years, Gretchen has been
married to Joe Harrison,
who I'd met at Jerry and Heidi's.
Joe had again spent the night
with Heidi,
though this time,
at his family home.
You must be Joey.
How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
And you must be Charlie.
Nice to meet you.
So, where are the two lovebirds?
If I may use that term.
You may use that term.
They are downstairs.
- Follow the stairs down.
- There's only one bedroom…
So you wouldn't come down
off a normal…
The normal way of doing things
is to give them their space?
Yeah, you bet.
This is their only quality time.
I'll try not to eat
into their quality time too much.
Hello…
- Morning!
- Morning!
- We've got to quit meeting like this.
- I know!
- How are we doing this morning?
- Just fine. Tired.
We stayed up too late last night.
We think we're 20.
- What were you doing?
- Oh, just talking.
The three of us, actually.
The three of us were up late.
- Oh, upstairs. Not in here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- The three of us were upstairs.
- Yeah.
I can't get you anything, can I?
Would you like a coffee,
or…cup of tea?
- Not for me.
- I think I'm OK, but thank you.
- Are you sure? OK.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
With the kids out of the way,
and the lovebirds enjoying
their quality time, Gretchen
and I were on kitchen duty.
- So, shall we talk poly?
- Sure.
So, Joe seems like a great guy.
You seem very nice.
So my prejudice would be, why aren't
you enough for each other?
OK. So, um…
"Why aren't we enough for each
other?" is a horrible sentence.
That puts the onus of
my entire happiness on you,
for example, right?
I think I'm just talking
about sex and romance, really,
because, certainly in, say,
with my wife,
if she wanted another friend to go
shopping and wine tasting,
whatever - that would
not be an issue.
It would just be if there was
a romance and sexual component.
That's the only exclusivity,
um, that I kind of…
…I guess we require of each other.
OK.
They are much more compatible
sexually than Joe and I are,
for example, so for me, it's…
…lovely for somebody else
to take a turn at the wheel.
How about that!
In what way do you mean that?
We have very different
sexual experiences.
I've been going to sex clubs
since I was 20.
I really liked them.
I lived in San Francisco, so I had
a wide variety of experiences
in terms of that,
and it's really kind of woke me up
to the fact that there's
different people
and different ways of doing things.
- With men and women?
- Yes, yeah.
And now I'm almost 50,
and I've had a lot and I'm good!
Do you and Joe still have
a physical sexual relationship?
Yes, we do. Not as much as he would
like, and more than I would like,
but we're somewhere in the middle,
and we compromise to
make things work,
so that's as most marriages,
you know.
You've got to meet in the middle,
so…
But then, Heidi comes over
and she takes a big part
of that away from the stress
of our relationship,
because she and he
adore being physical.
They adore that, kind of,
that sexual intimacy,
and um, then
he'll, when she goes home,
he'll come up, give me a hug,
and say,
"Thank you so much
for letting me have this."
You know, he's so grateful to me
whenever she leaves
because he's been fulfilled
in that way.
Do you think it's possible
that if hadn't Heidi propped up…
…um, you and Joe would be
in difficulties, relationship wise?
- Well, honestly, we are now.
We're struggling right now.
- Really?
We're coming to the point
where we're just very, very
different people.
Really?
And so we're are working really hard
to figure out what
our common grounds are,
what our common interests are,
and Heidi's helping a lot in that.
- As a friend?
- Yeah, as a friend, yeah.
- Not just as a vector for his energy?
- No, not a bit.
She is the kindest person,
and I could not ask for a better
co-parent and friend than Heidi.
I sense that it's not always easy
for Jerry.
He seems… I don't know,
maybe I'm projecting,
but kind of lonely, I think.
Is there a question?
You know him quite well.
As much as anybody could, honestly.
Well, you find him…?
- Enigmatic.
- Right.
- Yeah!
- Inscrutable?
- Yeah.
- He's an island, honestly.
- Is he?
- He really is.
He's very isolated,
and he chooses to live that way.
That's what I mean. That's
the loneliness I'm talking about.
SHE SIGHS
He's choosing to live his life
the way he is.
He could choose differently.
Can we start making pancakes?
I'm hungry.
- Yeah, we could do any time.
- That'd be awesome.
- Absolutely.
GRETCHEN LAUGHS
One and a half into the flour?
No. Read the directions.
Well, it says, "Beat in remaining
ingredients,"
but beat into what?
I'm worried about these pancakes,
honestly.
Me too.
- So that's six teaspoons.
- Yeah.
- That's a lot.
So, two tablespoons, yeah.
They're going to be, like,
that thick.
Yeah.
Mm…
I'm going to miss you.
I don't want you to go.
- I don't want to go.
- You should stay here.
- Yeah?
SIMULTANEOUSLY: I love you.
THEY LAUGH
JOE LAUGHS LOUDLY
Joe, keep it down!
LAUGHS:
I'm sorry!
Are they laughing at us?
There's nothing more annoying than
other people having fun.
Hey…
- There we go.
- Thank you.
- Muffin?
Yay, big muffin, yay!
- Could you pass a pancake or two?
- I can.
I wonder if Jerry knows
what he's missing out on.
Where's Jerry this morning?
What's he doing?
Um, he sent a good morning text
and told me he loved me,
and he and Piper usually
have breakfast
and then he takes her to dance.
With breakfast on the table,
I had a moment to reflect.
It was a domestic scene both
strikingly unconventional
and at the same time,
bearing all the hallmarks
of a big happy family.
A little later, it was time
for Heidi to head home.
Charlie, Mama's leaving.
- I love you.
- MUFFLED INDISTINCT SPEECH
Thank you for everything today.
- Lovely to see you.
- Lovely to see you.
Say hi to Jerry and Piper from us.
- Yes, absolutely.
- Please.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
With one partner gone, it was clear
something was eating at Joe.
- How are you feeling, Joe?
- I'm OK.
- Are you pining?
- Yeah.
- For real?
- Yeah.
- Why are you pining?
Because she's not here.
Because Heidi had to go home,
and that's always a hard transition.
Cos there's something about Gretchen
here being under one roof,
Heidi here being under one roof,
there's this kind of very,
for me, personally -
granted not for everybody -
but for me personally,
this very idealised version
of what our relationship could be.
In your ideal scenario, you would
have everyone under one roof?
You'd all live in the same home,
the big family?
I think that is not the way
that would look at all.
I think that Joe
isn't being realistic,
because when she's home,
she's Piper's mom first,
and she's Jerry's wife second.
So…
And then to be Joe's third,
that's not the her
that I'm used to having.
He's used to having 100%
of her attention,
so I think that it's a lovely idea
in theory,
but in practice, it would not
be the house that he would want.
The dream just became
a crumbled ruin!
THEY LAUGH
It went from a glittering palace
to a crumbled ruin.
Yeah.
I left Gretchen and Joe's
questioning my preconceptions
and feeling a little confused.
There was no doubt of Joe and
Heidi's love for each other,
and Gretchen seemed happy
with the arrangement,
but Jerry's role was harder to read.
Joe's dream of a big multi-partnered
family all living under one roof
tends not to be how most
people do poly.
DOOR BELL RINGS
But there are few who make it work.
- Hello!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Come on in.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Good to see you, Nick. This is cosy.
- Yeah!
Amanda, Nick and Bob, all of them
workers in tech and engineering,
have cohabited as a throuple
for the last three and a half years.
If it's not intrusive, would you
show me your place a little bit,
your beautiful house?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
So, in here, this is our bedroom.
- Now, isn't that nice?
- Yeah.
So you, actually, each of you has…
Our own blanket system.
- …your own blanket system!
- Yeah.
That was well phrased.
But who goes where, if I may ask?
Uh, I go in the middle, and then
Nick is on my left side
with the dinosaur blanket.
And then, Bob's over on
the right side
with the brown and blue blankets.
Nick and Bob, would you join us
in here
so we can visualise
that arrangement?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not going to get under
the blankets - that seems excessive.
On a nightly basis,
this is how you are arranged?
Yeah.
How long have you been
doing it's like this?
- Since we moved in here.
- Three years?
- So this is not a trial arrangement?
- No.
- This kind of works.
- Yeah.
- It works great.
So what about, if you are
kind of keen to cuddle -
and I don't use that as a euphemism,
I just mean cuddling.
No, no.
In the night, with Amanda,
but you find she's cuddling Bob,
right…?
Then I'll just cuddle
Amanda cuddling Bob.
You usually have the big spoon
and little spoon
when you're sleeping,
and you've got people spooned up
to each other.
You've got the little spoon
and the big spoon.
And so, if it's like this,
then Nick can just come
and join…
Join in.
…cos he could
easily cuddle me.
But if we had switched,
and, like, using your same example,
if I was being the little spoon
this time around,
and Nick wanted to join in…
I can still…
He can do this.
Or he can kind of butt up to me…
I can switch around and be cuddled.
…and I can be
the middle spoon, as it were.
Yeah!
And then, if we can broach
the subject
of more intimate
physical engagements,
do they take place here as well?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How does that work?
He leaves for work
first in the morning,
so Bob and I are alone for an hour
five days a week.
And then he gets home later
from work, so Nick and I are alone
for an hour every day of the week.
It sounds like, um…
it could be tiring for you?
THEY LAUGH
I mean, it could be.
The three of our sex drives
line up pretty well,
so we don't have much issue
of not feeling satisfied,
where we would want to seek out
someone else for that.
Do you ever…?
LOUIS SIGHS
I'm trying to find the right way
of putting this…
Do you ever involve all three
of you in that type of activity?
At the start, it definitely was,
like, most of the time,
it was all three of us, cos that's
what we thought
we were supposed to be doing,
and it just worked better
that it was just…
- Two at a time.
- …two at a time cos…
Three was…kind of awkward
sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
Can you be any more specific?
Um… Bob…lasts a really long time
in bed.
I don't.
And so, like, when we started
and it was all three ways,
I always had to go first,
because if I was waiting for Bob
to finish, I'd fall asleep.
THEY LAUGH
And so, at the start, I would
finish, and then I'd go downstairs
and play video games for a while,
and then, like, go and get lunch
and come back
and eventually Bob would be done.
But I also know that I'm better
at the foreplay than Bob is.
Yeah.
And I like it more, and
so it balances out like that.
Yeah.
Amanda, Nick and Bob,
the IT workers, seem to have found
an almost technical solution
to the management
of their relationship,
applying their engineers' minds
to the most emotional aspect
of human life.
Do we know whether
we have a boy or a girl?
We're letting ourselves and everyone
else be surprised.
It's nice, isn't it?
Yeah, definitely.
A world away, in the constellation
around AJ and Matthias,
change was afoot.
AJ had struck up a new relationship
with a software developer.
They'd met at a class she was
teaching on how to use sex toys.
His name was Q.
- Hello.
- Louis.
- Hi. Nice to see you.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- You must be Q?
- That's right.
- How's it going?
- It's going well. How are you?
Yeah, nice to meet you.
- You finally got a nice Oregon day.
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Do you…?
That's nice. You like him, OK.
Look, they're billing and cooing.
I just love this little curl
that goes right there, it's so cute.
I just like him.
I like you too, babe.
What's your relationship at
this point?
Would you say you're in love?
Yeah. As soon as I laid eyes on you,
I think.
I'm going to cry.
Yeah, I think…we're definitely
in love
and we're just taking things one day
at a time.
There's a lot of big changes
coming up.
I'm going to have a baby
in less than three months.
Do you think Matthias has
found it difficult
having Q in the picture?
SHE SIGHS
I think that it's been an adjustment
for him as well,
and I think he's happy for me,
but he's also nervous
about the timing of someone new
coming in right now.
I mean, from the outside,
a conventional view would be,
oh, well, you've fallen in love
with someone else,
therefore you have fallen
out of love with Matthias, right?
Not at all.
I'm so far past viewing things
that way, that I'm like,
I have to remind myself that's
the way that most people view love.
But, for me, falling in love with Q
has…just fills my heart
with such awe and wonder,
so it's actually done the opposite,
it's made me fall more in love
with both of them.
Our hearts can hold love
for more than one person at a time.
Because we love multiple children,
we love multiple friends,
you know?
Romantic love is just another form
of love
and it's the one that people
freak out the most about,
because I think people are afraid
of being replaced, in a way,
or being left for the new person.
It's like Woody
when Buzz Lightyear comes along.
Yeah, exactly. I love Toy Story.
Yeah. It's a good analogy.
A little later I visited Matthias,
AJ's OTHER other half,
to find out he was adjusting
to having Q in the picture.
This is poly now,
this is the real deal.
- You're in it.
- We're right in the middle of it.
- You are in it.
- Polying around.
That's a good way.
- What goes on in there, then?
- That's the chicken coop.
- God, they've got a nice coop.
- Right?
- I'd like to live in that.
- I know.
So, part of poly is kind of enjoying
the pleasure
that your partner experiences
with his or her other lovers.
Compersion, yeah.
So, in that respect,
has it been enjoyable for you to see
how in love AJ is with Q?
That's a good question, Louis. Um…
I think, theoretically,
the answer is yes.
But again I don't actually…
What about really…?
Don't speak theoretically,
let's talk about the real world.
Look into your heart -
is it making you happy?
It makes me happy to see AJ happy.
- It does.
- OK… Yes.
It makes me happy to see AJ excited
and curious and…
I feel like you're…
…upbeat.
I feel like you're are a tiny bit…
…dodging the question, a tiny bit.
Mm-mm. No. No.
I think there are sides of it
that I think are really sweet.
Sometimes I'll catch them stare
at each other or just kind of do
this, like, hand-eye contact
thing they do,
which is, for the first time,
was like a little intense
to witness, for sure.
But, inherently, it is adorable.
It is just INTENSELY adorable
sometimes,
sometimes it feels overwhelming.
- Too adorable?
- Yeah, yeah, that can be a thing.
Yeah, sometimes it can just feel
overwhelming, but, you know,
that's the thing about polyamory,
it's got its ups and downs
and middles, and I've been right
in the middle
for the last sort of two weeks-ish.
Are you struggling?
Because to have a baby coming,
and then have your…
…the mother of the baby
involved with someone else,
who she's now in love with…
Mm-hmm.
…it's a lot to deal with.
I would have thought, for anyone.
Yeah, I'd agree, it's a lot.
It feels… It's a lot feelings.
Has it crossed your mind to say…
you know,
"This isn't working for me
right now"?
- Oh, no.
- You can't really do that?
No, you can't really do that,
by essence.
Why not?
Cos then why are you Poly, right?
Right, that's part of
what you sign up for.
What do you think of all of this?
It feels as though,
with love and relationships,
there's no…perfect way of
doing things
and, you know, the idea that you can
avoid pain is illusory.
And, with poly, you're managing
this constantly changing equilibrium
and there's feelings of insecurity
and jealousy,
and from the outside, I feel
I'm trying to figure out
who is getting more
and who is getting less.
It's funny business.
Q was very nice about you,
I've got to say.
That's what I said, he's a very nice
person, he's very sweet.
He's just got good taste in people.
Hmm…
He could be around
the whole rest of your life.
- Yeah.
- And that's something to think about.
Nuts! It's crazy, huh?
- Your brother-husband, if you like?
- Sure.
- Know what I mean?
- Sure, yeah. I mean…
…it's like sister-wives,
but transition, you know?
Yeah, brother-husband, yeah.
ALL CHEER
That night, some of the co-habiting
residents of the eco homestead
had invited me to a costume party.
- Thanks for driving us, Louis.
- My pleasure.
- Yeah, thank you.
You notice I didn't drink
any of the tequila?
I did notice…
That took a lot of self-control
on my part.
Feeling a little under dressed,
I entered the spirit of
the festivities as best I could.
Matthias, formerly so vulnerable,
now appeared to have put
his cares aside.
His stress and anxiety,
for the moment
offset by the consolation of
one of his other relationships.
By now, I felt I had a reasonable
grasp of how poly worked,
but I was still curious how couples
handled the tricky transition
of opening up their relationship
for the first time.
So, we'll start off with a little
bit of character, role-play.
Grrr!
LAUGHTER
I'd wondered if Amanda, Nick and
Bob might help,
so I'd scheduled session
of Dungeons & Dragons.
I am Gur Forsoot,
and I am a barbarian fighter.
Half-orc, chaotic neutral alignment,
and, erm, I like walks
on the beach at night…
I wanted to find out how,
as college sweethearts,
Nick and Amanda had first brought
Bob into the relationship.
When this all came up and you
realised you had feelings for Bob,
how did you present it to Nick?
Really matter of factly,
if I remember correctly.
She said she wanted to go for a walk
and talk about stuff,
and I honestly thought
she was going to break up with me.
So I was sad.
Um, but I go on this walk and she
starts stoic monologue about how,
from her point of view,
I was doing everything right,
but she started to feel this…
Missing…
…missing…
…piece.
And then she was like,
"Here's all this stuff,
"I think I'm poly,
that's what it means,
"that's what it means between us."
So you presented this
and concluded by saying…
I concluded by saying that,
"I think what I want
"is to have a relationship
with Bob as well as Nick."
Yeah.
But I understand that that's
not what Nick signed up for,
and if Nick wants to stay with me,
I will do my best to stay
with him and only him.
So you gave Nick the option, you
say, "We can try and make it work
"just the two others,"
but you worried that…
- It might not work.
- …it might not work, and you said that?
Yeah. I mean, it did take us
about a year to, like, really…
Get into the thick of it.
…iron out all the kinks
of how to make it work.
Do you think you would remain poly
if it weren't for your involvement
with Amanda?
Erm… I'm not poly, in a sense.
- In that sense, you're not, right?
- Yeah.
You've been brought into it?
Yeah, like I'm in
a poly relationship,
but I, myself, am mono.
In a way, you've driven
this arrangement, Amanda.
- Would you agree?
- Yeah.
- Would that be fair?
- Yeah.
And what do you think it is in you
that clicks so well with it?
Being just with one person
in a closed relationship
never felt quite…right.
Are you aware of Bob and Nick
having different kinds of needs?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Nick has more emotional needs.
He and I both have a level
of anxiety,
and so we help each other
with those.
Whereas Bob needs more
physical, touch affection
to show that I care about him.
And you said you get anxiety
as well?
Yeah.
- Are you medicated for this?
- Yes.
I would say I've been depressed
since I was in my teens,
so it's just been a part of my life
for pretty much my whole life.
- How did you deal with it?
- Um…
Self-harm, mostly.
Yeah.
STRAINED LAUGHTER
That's not a great way of dealing
with it.
I know, no.
Have you put that behind you now?
I think so, yeah.
Do you think because you knew
about Amanda's vulnerabilities,
that that would have predisposed
you to be more understanding
when she came to you
about having feelings for Bob?
I don't think so.
Like, I don't…I don't think
I said yes
because she has depression
and anxiety.
But I think that helped me
know that this was important to her
and this wasn't just a whim.
Is there no part of you that just
would like to be enough for Amanda
in the same way that she is enough
for you?
Um, once…I kind of learned that
that doesn't have to be the case,
it makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, I totally understand
that…you know, I'm not…
…you know, everything that
you need. That's a lot to ask.
But you're an awesome
and amazing woman.
So, like…
…there's a little part of me
that's like…
…"I wish I could be everything
"that you need…
to be completely happy."
The level of trauma
in Amanda's background,
while it didn't explain
the urge to try poly,
did help me understand
Nick's acceptance of it.
And it struck me that however
unusual the relationship might be,
it was giving Amanda a double
portion of love and support.
In general, in poly,
I'd noticed that a choice
that might have seemed
frivolous at first,
was in fact driven
by deeper, underlying needs.
But I also worried that there was
often one person at risk
of being left behind.
I had a lunch date with Gretchen.
I'd been thinking about her
arrangement with her husband, Joe
and with his fiancée, Heidi.
I was still wondering whether,
in sharing Joe,
she felt she was in any way
getting the raw end of the deal.
The impression I had
when we spoke before was…
…well, you more or less said
there were issues
in your relationship with Joe.
Yes.
We are having some struggles
right now, yeah,
that have nothing to do with poly.
Some people use this term -
"Oh, Poly is just slow divorce."
Have you heard that expression?
Mm-mm. Never heard that actually.
Do you think
there's anything in that?
No…
Erm, I am 100% committed
to figuring out a way
to make my marriage work.
You know?
But there was a point where Mamma
wanted more time with him.
- Mamma, meaning Heidi?
- Yeah. And we talked about it.
And she wanted him four extra nights
a month,
and I said, "I'll give you one,
"because I want him home."
Erm, so…
And even so, that's probably not
enough for them - they want more.
But, logistically,
it's just it's not sustainable.
I would think, if I was
in your place,
it would bother me, the idea
of my significant other,
or one of my…you know, my wife,
being with someone else.
So let's say, Louis, that your wife
decides
to start dating somebody else,
and while this is happening,
she is happier,
she is more aware of
what's going on with herself
and how she can be fulfilled,
and she comes home and you are
the beneficiary of that happiness.
What is the hard part
from where you're looking at it?
I don't have that.
I want Joe to be the happiest,
most fulfilled person he can be.
And I am not qualified
to do that for him,
nor do I want to have
that responsibility.
I want to be his partner,
I want to be his wife,
I'm the mother to his children,
I want to spend the rest
of my life with him.
But I don't want the onus
to be his happiness is on me.
Right.
Honestly, you're responsible
for you, Louis.
You're responsible
for your happiness.
Despite her mention of
relationship difficulties,
it was plainly Gretchen's belief
that poly was helping
and not hurting the situation.
I wondered if there was something
in the idea of people needing
to take more responsibility
for their own happiness,
exploring pleasure without guilt.
It was time to immerse myself
a little bit.
That night, having called and run it
past my wife,
I joined AJ, Matthias and Joelle
at a group organised by a group
called Sex Positive Portland.
I'm Louis. How do you do?
- Yaz.
- Yaz, nice to meet you.
Dedicated to building deep,
emotional connection,
the group's members are mostly
in non-monogamous relationships.
Details about the event were vague,
but it had something
to do with eating.
- Are you excited?
- I am so excited.
- Are you nervous too?
- No.
Why would someone be nervous?
I don't know, it's just a night
of fun and freedom.
This is just all about pleasure.
Yeah, yeah, pleasure - of the food.
Yeah…!
Well, you know, the food and…
SHE LAUGHS
This kind of events, yeah,
this is my place to go.
I have three girlfriends
and maybe a couple of candidates
for the position as well.
- Really? LAUGHS:
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
Have you done this before?
Well, I've eaten food before.
Have you been fed food before?
Erm, no.
I think you are really going
to enjoy the experience.
You're pretty safe.
We're a good group of people.
That's good to hear that.
I know you Brits are a little…
Uptight?
Is it that obvious?
Yes.
So welcome to my home.
Tonight is the blindfolded
sensual dinner.
As those who have been
to my events here,
the massage a trois or the tantra
events know,
I'm really into
putting together events
where you learn something
about yourself,
where you learn how
to connect more deeply.
This is an L2 event,
so genitals stay covered,
no genital touch, but whatever else
you would like to take off,
feel free to take off.
If you don't have any underwear,
I've got plenty of my own sarongs
up here you can wear.
Givers, feeding slowly,
feeding off part of your body,
but do everything slowly.
Slow is always better.
Advertised as sensual eating,
it soon became clear that the eating
was taking a back-seat
to the sensual.
If you are not turned
on by another man sexually,
then don't have sex with them,
but enjoy touching them.
For the first portion of
the evening, I was among the givers.
And don't get so involved
in the touching
that you forget about the feeding.
But before long, it was
my turn to be a receiver.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready, yeah.
Remember your yeses and your nos.
Fine.
And then, begin.
Human connection is one
of the most precious things
that we can experience in our lives.
This is an incredibly safe
space to explore touch,
to explore sensuality.
The anonymity is a wonderful,
wonderful thing.
Mmm.
Yes, please.
It was all rather embarrassing,
and at the same time,
a little bit liberating.
Just there, quiet.
Kind of sharing the experience
that we've collectively shared here.
For a moment, the idea of a world in
which the currency of sex and love
was more free-flowing
made a tiny bit of sense.
Whenever you are ready,
take off your eye mask.
My time in the world of poly
had taught me that it revolves
around the freedom
to explore relationships
beyond traditional boundaries.
Central to it is taking pleasure
in a loved one
falling in love with someone else.
Compersion.
But I still struggled
with the reality of the idea,
and so I was heading back
to see Jerry and Heidi,
the first couple
I'd met in Portland.
Hi, Jerry, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
Thanks for the sign.
It's lovely, very thoughtful.
Hi, Heidi, how are you?
With his wife so passionate
about another man,
Jerry seemed to personify the most
difficult aspect of poly.
By coincidence, we were meeting
the week of a special occasion.
Now, congratulations,
you had an anniversary, didn't you?
We did, 16 years.
16 years.
- Of marriage.
- Of marriage.
What did you do
for your anniversary?
She's been needing a new TV
so I fixed that up.
He did, he bought me a new TV
for our anniversary.
And a new DVD player, 4K technology.
Oh, nice.
4096 resolution, that's good.
Out of interest, Jerry,
have you had,
in the sort of ten or so years
of doing this,
you haven't been fully involved
with someone else?
Not yet.
As soon as I have a connection
that is mutual,
that is interested in poly
and they agree that this is the
connection we want to pursue,
I'll go for it. I'm all in.
Do you feel you're missing that?
Missing it?
Some days. Some moments
of some days, you bet.
Do you worry about Jerry?
- I worry that he's lonely sometimes.
- Sometimes.
I look forward to meeting
the person he connects with.
Do you think he'd be less lonely
if you were not seeing other people?
I don't think so.
But only you can really answer that.
I don't think so.
I don't derive loneliness from
Heidi's activities with Joe.
You'd like more Heidi time?
Yeah, there's never enough hours
in the day between work,
between home, between parenting,
between…
Ballet, piano…
…piano lessons.
At the same time, I feel like, well,
I think, Heidi, you'd like
more Joe time?
- I would love that.
- With Joe?
I mean, but not at
the expense of family time.
Like, I love these people
and I would love to have more time
with all of them.
Sure.
If Heidi needs more time
with Joe,
I'm going to figure out a way
to give it to her.
Doesn't mean I won't miss her.
Am I right in thinking that maybe
the physical side is not as there
as it might have been at one time?
For whom?
Between the two of you?
It's the same as it's
always been, honestly.
It hasn't changed because of Joe.
You feel your needs are being met?
Yes.
My needs are being met
in this relationship.
But, hypothetically,
if Joe and Heidi said to me,
"Hey, you want to join me?"
I would say sure,
because I'm OK with that.
For a three-way?
Absolutely, without a doubt.
I have no qualms
about that whatsoever.
I'm not suggesting
it will ever happen,
it hasn't yet, but if it
were to be suggested,
I would say, "Sure.
Go for it, try it, see if it fits.
"Let's find out."
What do you think about that, Heidi?
Because I love all
the players in the scenario.
I don't know that that's something
that I would need,
so I don't, I've actually
never thought about it,
to be honest.
How does that feel to you right now?
Erm, surprising.
Like, oh, I hadn't thought
about that, so surprising, I guess.
So…
OK.
It's never come up before?
- No.
- No, not that I recall.
I'm very clear within myself,
it would be fine.
If it would equally be fine for me,
because I am enjoying Heidi
enjoying herself,
to not necessarily be participating
into the meeting…
- Just present.
- Just present.
To see Joe and Heidi…?
That's fine with me,
Heidi is still being pleased.
What do you think about that?
Erm, I don't know.
I don't consider myself a voyeur,
but because it is my wife
and I love her, it's different.
It doesn't sound like you're
going to invite Jerry?
I don't think so.
Let's say for the sake of argument
that Jerry is a little bit lonely
from time to time,
I'm just wondering if you could
alleviate it
but it would mean giving up Joe?
It's so out of the realm
of possibility
that I can't even answer it.
Like, he would never ask that,
I would never leave Joe for anyone,
I would never leave
Jerry for anyone, so it's…
I'm not saying he's asking for it,
I'm just saying that you see that
Jerry is lonely…
At some level.
…and that you feel that, wow,
I can alleviate Jerry's loneliness
but it will mean not seeing
Joe any more,
because I need to give
Jerry more time?
I think we would just navigate
how to give Jerry more time.
But I can't see a scenario
where I would leave Joe.
We kind of operate from
this place of,
I am not responsible
for Jerry's feelings
and he is not responsible for mine.
Now, we can impact them,
we can help with them,
we can do all that, but his
loneliness is not my responsibility.
It's not Heidi's responsibility
to make Jerry happy.
It's Jerry's responsibility.
Forgive me for asking
it so bluntly, are you happy?
I am, without a doubt.
We are very happily married,
I would say.
Without exception.
I am a very lucky man,
I count my blessings and I say
thank you every day.
Would you say you're more fulfilled
now that the poly is in the picture?
Yes.
I don't think I would choose
to be monogamous again.
Aren't you monogamous now?
No, I'm not.
I'm in one relationship
romantically speaking,
at this moment,
but I very much believe…
…that I am polyamorous,
that I am capable of it and I would
love to explore the possibility
when it presents itself,
and it's when, not if, I make
that connection with someone else,
who for me will be a woman,
and it's going to be lovely
and it's going to be
different and unique,
but it's going to be awesome.
A part of me still wondered how much
pleasure Jerry really derived
from Heidi's passion for Joe,
but I also reflected
that there was something touching,
and maybe admirable,
in his willingness to give
Heidi her freedom.
Whether it was compersion
or just a price he was willing
to pay to keep her love.
I'd arranged one last visit.
Hello, how are you?
- Good.
- It's nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you too.
Matthias and AJ were moving
into Joelle's Homestead.
I don't think we need to, like,
film all the boxes.
You're worried about the boxes?
I'm just worried about how, like…
You're doing a film about polyamory
and you're worried about being
judged about boxes?
Like, the baby is coming
in six weeks
and this is the state we're in.
Q had come along to lend a hand.
Hi, Q. Good to see you.
Good to see you too.
That was a nice hug, thank you.
Matthias seemed to have recovered
from his bout of insecurity
towards Q.
Now the constellation was rallying
around in anticipation of the baby
without apparent jealousy
or resentment.
It's part of the dream, in a way,
for the poly family
to all live in proximity, is it?
I wanted to have the aunties
and the uncles
and the metamours and the friends
and everybody.
Being able to share
that space together,
I think that's
the ultimate, for sure.
I'd come to see polyamory
as a way of doing love,
that in promising fulfilment, brings
with it inevitable complications.
A life lived
arguably more dangerously,
but with more rewards,
where the possibility of happiness
is inescapably bound up
with the risk of being left behind.
- Good night, Nick.
- Good night Amanda.
- Good night, Bob.
- Good night, Amanda.
Good night, Bob.
I had put too much cheese
on my plate.
I was just getting a lot of cheese.
And then I was getting
more cheese and more cheese.
You could've said,
"Hey, ditch the cheese."
I was being assaulted with cheese.
That's no good.
- I do have a lot of sex.
What do you mean by that?
Well, I, I'm in a relationship
with two other women
and my wife and…
…all of them want to have sex
at least once a week, if not more.
So you can do the math on all that.
And do you like that?
It's great.
Who wouldn't want to have my life?
I was in Portland, Oregon,
exploring a radically different way
of looking at love.
Who goes where, if I may ask?
I go in the middle,
Nick is to my left,
and then Bob's over
on the right side.
Polyamory is the practice of
pursuing multiple romantic
relationships with the consent
of all those involved.
Joe asked my permission
to ask her to marry him.
I said, "Yeah! Pshh!
Make her an honest woman!
"Finally!"
THEY LAUGH
It promises more emotional and
sexual fulfilment…
…but with freedom
can come jealousy.
Are you struggling?
It does not feel that it is
for the faint of heart.
And the question of whether
more love also means more risk.
Thinking that polyamory
is going to fix your relationship
is absolutely doomed to failure.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready, yeah.
ELECTRIC STATIC BUZZES
- Hello?
- Hello!
- Hi. Louis. How do you do?
- Hi, I'm Heidi.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Heidi, how do you do? You must be Piper?
- I'm Piper.
- You must be Jerry?
I was with Heidi and Jerry Bringman,
a therapist and an IT analyst
respectively.
Heidi also runs a clothing business
from home.
Good, yeah, very well.
Thank you for allowing me
into your beautiful home…
- It's a pleasure.
- …with so many shirts in it.
- Yes!
- And dresses.
12 years ago, Heidi and Jerry
opened up their marriage.
So, today's Thursday,
you've got…
…someone special coming over.
Do you want to tell me who that is?
Sure. So, erm, Jerry and I have been
married for 16 years,
and Joe and I have been
partnered for five years,
and Joe is coming over
tonight for date night.
And he is your…?
I mean, what would be the word?
- Partner?
- Erm, he's my partner.
- Your partner?
Or, or, sometimes we'll say spouse.
- Spouse? You use that as well?
- We do.
Joe and I got engaged
earlier this year.
- You're engaged?
- I am.
- It's true.
I know, it's kind of
a crazy…idea.
And what's your relationship
with Joe, would you say?
Well…
I mean, how do you describe him?
Erm, overall, he's my friend.
He's family.
Erm, which is…
family of choice, you know?
So there isn't a special term
for how you relate to him?
He's obviously not your husband.
- He's not my husband.
- Metamour is the…
Metamour, I guess would
be the appropriate term.
Metamour?
- Mm-hmm.
- Meta, beyond she and I.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm conscious we're talking
about this in front of Piper.
Yes.
- Is that… Is that appropriate?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- You're OK with hearing this?
- Of course!
I mean, they're my family.
May I tell you how we explained it
to her when she was really small?
- Please.
- Sure.
OK, so you know how, when you go
over to your friend's house,
and you sleep over?
She's like, "Yeah".
I said, "Our family
is different in
"that our grown-ups have
sleepovers". That's it.
And it wasn't until much later
that we talked about what sleepovers
entail, that kind of thing.
Joe brings about a love
that I could never give to Heidi.
He brings about a happiness
that I can't,
because you're taking two individual
people, elements, mixing them,
and making something new.
It's…not chemistry,
but it is chemistry, you know?
So at what point did you decide
that you were poly?
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, goodness.
- Uh, 12 years ago?
- Yeah, 12 years ago.
- Really?
Through a series of quite
a few events.
I ended up with
post-partum depression,
and I had a really difficult time,
so I started reaching outward
to friends,
to people that I really
needed a lot of support.
And in that time, I had contacted
an old friend who I hadn't seen
in 15 or 20 years,
and he was able to give me a lot
of the emotional support
that I needed at that time.
- A male friend?
- A male friend.
And I realised that I wanted more
contact with him,
and it was, I was like "Whoa,"
like, this is not OK.
And I immediately ran upstairs
and I told Jerry.
I was, like, "You know, I'm having
these feelings,
"and I'm really having
a hard time with it. I'm scared.
"I don't know what to do."
And we talked about it.
- This wasn't Joe back then, was it?
- No, no.
- It was not.
It must have been upsetting for you.
Basically, your wife…
To a point, yes.
…telling you that she's got
feelings for someone else.
Well, what do you say to the person
that you love most in the world
when they say they have
feelings for someone else?
It's an adjustment. It was fearful.
Um, it was anxiety producing.
And what did you decide?
Well, at the end of it,
approximately one month,
um…I said, "Go for it."
Trying to get my head round it.
So…
- There's a term for it. Would that help?
- Yes.
There's a term called compersion,
and it means being happy
for someone else's happiness.
For the sake of
their enjoyment, their joy.
And was there a benefit for you
in that?
Well, yes.
I saw you come home in
a better state than you left
and said, "There's merit,
there's benefit."
Did I lose anything?
I don't think so.
There's no victim.
We're all quite happy.
Yeah, agreed.
- Hello?
- Joe!
- Hello.
- Hello!
- She stole my hug!
- She stole my hug?
You get out of here!
You get all of the hugs.
- Mm!
- MUFFLED INDISTINCT SPEECH
- How you doing?
- I'm good.
- THEY KISS
Did you see that, Jerry?
I did.
A man was hugging your wife.
It's a common occurrence!
THEY LAUGH
Um… Well, Heidi just told me that
congratulations are in order
because you got engaged.
Yes. Woohoo!
I've only had four great loves
of my life, and every single one
of them I've wanted to marry,
and Heidi is absolutely one of them.
She is absolutely a great love
of my life.
When I met her, it was over.
It was… There was no question
in my mind.
Because we are not hierarchical,
we do not see this relationship
as underneath this one,
and just like his relationship
with Gretchen, our relationship
is not underneath that one.
We are linear.
So, in my head, he has just as much
right as Jerry does.
A little later, Joe checked in with
his wife Gretchen
and their two kids.
- I love you, baby.
- GRETCHEN:
- I love you too!
Get some rest.
All: Bye!
Love you.
Then it was bedtime.
I would not know there
was a bed in there.
No…
Who's in which bed tonight?
I think you're upstairs,
and it's our turn to be down.
- Cool.
- Pretty sure.
- Works for me.
Sweet!
That means I'm already in bed!
HE SIGHS
HUSHED VOICE:
Love you, baby.
The question of beds naturally
raised a more delicate issue.
In the physical side of things,
obviously, you want to give
each other a bit of space.
I mean, are you conscious
of when that's happening?
You know what I mean?
Like, if you needed to come down and
get a glass of water or a snack,
and you could hear something
was happening…?
I might be particularly loud
coming down the stairs
or something like that.
If I truly thought I was
interfering, in many regards,
I guess I would say something,
say, "I'm on my way down…"
But I don't even really think
that I'm that worried
about what is or isn't
going on down here.
You know? It's… It's OK.
It's agreed to.
Yeah…
HE CHUCKLES
Goodnight.
I can see how tired you are.
I am getting there, yes.
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Sleep well. Thank you.
- I love you, baby. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Polyamory, also known as
ethical non-monogamy,
appears to be on the upswing
in the US -
and nowhere more so than Portland.
A city of 600,000 on America's
liberal north-west coast,
its culture of progressive politics
and high-tech have proved
fertile ground for new ways
of arranging relationships.
Wow! This is nice!
- Is that pretty solid?
- Yeah, you can give it a spin.
Yeah. Oh, it's a spinning one.
- So you just do that?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah!
- Like, you're a professional!
- A natural.
How about that?
Didn't know I could do that!
In a suburban eco homestead,
I had a breakfast appointment
with Joelle, Matthias,
and the newly pregnant AJ.
They're part of a younger generation
in Portland
that views monogamy as a little
outdated
and poly as a new model
for families.
- Louis, so this is yours.
- Oh, wow! I love that.
It's going to be a adorable!
It's so small, though.
It's barely going to cover
the important organs!
Really? Hang it lower.
So, correct me if I'm wrong -
Joelle, this is your place?
- This is my home, yes.
- This is your home.
And how do you kind of interrelate,
if I may put it that way?
Well, Matthias and I are partners.
We've been together for almost
four years,
and then, Matthias
and Joelle started dating…
How long ago?
Like, nine, ten months ago?
- Seven months ago?
- It seems longer, yeah…
Um, but Joelle asked me out first,
but I said, "You know what"?
"I actually think you'd really get
along with my partner Matthias -
you should ask him out!"
And so, there's three of you
in this relationship,
but I think there maybe others
as well - is that right?
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Yes, I have…
I have one other, um… I guess you
could call them a partner.
I don't generally use, um,
I guess, hierarchical terms
in my polydynamics.
I refer to my loves as sweeties
and loves.
How many sweeties do you have?
I have four sweeties.
Do any of them live here?
Um, not fully currently yet,
but Matthias and AJ are going to be
moving into the house next door.
Creating a little,
what would you term it?
I would say, like,
it's definitely a family, like…
Matthias and I like the word family.
Intentional family,
or chosen family.
- You like that term?
- I do, yeah.
- Yeah.
So for AJ and Matthias, you've got
a baby coming.
In a sense, uh…do you need to
prioritise your relationship,
or do you have same attitude
as Joelle?
That it's all basically on a par?
Um, no, you know, I think that we
are prioritising
our relationship, but we both
still date other people.
But he's been a little bit
more protective of our relationship
since I've been pregnant.
- Who would like a coffee?
- Yes, please.
And Joelle?
Milk?
There's two different ways to pour.
I definitely know which I want…
Yeah!
That's great.
- This is delicious.
- Thank you.
How did you crack the eggs,
cos they are perfect?
- You cracked those eggs!
- Did I?
THEY LAUGH
So perfectly cracked,
I only tasted, like,
one little shell so far!
Um, have you ever seen
someone really struggle…?
- Yes.
- …and suffer with polyamory?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
I was actually married
for ten years.
- Was that a polymarriage?
- It was, yes.
My husband dated somebody
who really struggled with polyamory,
and it ended up that she just
was, like,
"Hey, maybe, you should
leave your wife for me."
How did that go after that, then?
I felt betrayed by both of them,
so that was probably
my hardest moments in polyamory.
It made me really…nervous
about moving forward,
which makes me sound paranoid,
but it comes from being hurt
in the past.
That's one of the reasons why
I really like getting to know
the people that my partner
is seeing.
Would you say that polyamory
is not for everybody?
I think you have to be someone
who is willing to know that love
is going to be at
some degree difficult,
and there's going to be something
you're going to have to learn
to navigate.
You know?
I think it's not for
the faint of heart.
Hmm…
It's how I would put it.
Another day, another breakfast.
This time with Gretchen Kvistad.
- Hello.
- Hello!
- You must be Gretchen.
- I am.
- Louis.
- Louis, nice to meet you.
- How do you do?
- Come on in.
Thank you. I'll take these
shoes off…
For 13 years, Gretchen has been
married to Joe Harrison,
who I'd met at Jerry and Heidi's.
Joe had again spent the night
with Heidi,
though this time,
at his family home.
You must be Joey.
How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
And you must be Charlie.
Nice to meet you.
So, where are the two lovebirds?
If I may use that term.
You may use that term.
They are downstairs.
- Follow the stairs down.
- There's only one bedroom…
So you wouldn't come down
off a normal…
The normal way of doing things
is to give them their space?
Yeah, you bet.
This is their only quality time.
I'll try not to eat
into their quality time too much.
Hello…
- Morning!
- Morning!
- We've got to quit meeting like this.
- I know!
- How are we doing this morning?
- Just fine. Tired.
We stayed up too late last night.
We think we're 20.
- What were you doing?
- Oh, just talking.
The three of us, actually.
The three of us were up late.
- Oh, upstairs. Not in here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- The three of us were upstairs.
- Yeah.
I can't get you anything, can I?
Would you like a coffee,
or…cup of tea?
- Not for me.
- I think I'm OK, but thank you.
- Are you sure? OK.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
With the kids out of the way,
and the lovebirds enjoying
their quality time, Gretchen
and I were on kitchen duty.
- So, shall we talk poly?
- Sure.
So, Joe seems like a great guy.
You seem very nice.
So my prejudice would be, why aren't
you enough for each other?
OK. So, um…
"Why aren't we enough for each
other?" is a horrible sentence.
That puts the onus of
my entire happiness on you,
for example, right?
I think I'm just talking
about sex and romance, really,
because, certainly in, say,
with my wife,
if she wanted another friend to go
shopping and wine tasting,
whatever - that would
not be an issue.
It would just be if there was
a romance and sexual component.
That's the only exclusivity,
um, that I kind of…
…I guess we require of each other.
OK.
They are much more compatible
sexually than Joe and I are,
for example, so for me, it's…
…lovely for somebody else
to take a turn at the wheel.
How about that!
In what way do you mean that?
We have very different
sexual experiences.
I've been going to sex clubs
since I was 20.
I really liked them.
I lived in San Francisco, so I had
a wide variety of experiences
in terms of that,
and it's really kind of woke me up
to the fact that there's
different people
and different ways of doing things.
- With men and women?
- Yes, yeah.
And now I'm almost 50,
and I've had a lot and I'm good!
Do you and Joe still have
a physical sexual relationship?
Yes, we do. Not as much as he would
like, and more than I would like,
but we're somewhere in the middle,
and we compromise to
make things work,
so that's as most marriages,
you know.
You've got to meet in the middle,
so…
But then, Heidi comes over
and she takes a big part
of that away from the stress
of our relationship,
because she and he
adore being physical.
They adore that, kind of,
that sexual intimacy,
and um, then
he'll, when she goes home,
he'll come up, give me a hug,
and say,
"Thank you so much
for letting me have this."
You know, he's so grateful to me
whenever she leaves
because he's been fulfilled
in that way.
Do you think it's possible
that if hadn't Heidi propped up…
…um, you and Joe would be
in difficulties, relationship wise?
- Well, honestly, we are now.
We're struggling right now.
- Really?
We're coming to the point
where we're just very, very
different people.
Really?
And so we're are working really hard
to figure out what
our common grounds are,
what our common interests are,
and Heidi's helping a lot in that.
- As a friend?
- Yeah, as a friend, yeah.
- Not just as a vector for his energy?
- No, not a bit.
She is the kindest person,
and I could not ask for a better
co-parent and friend than Heidi.
I sense that it's not always easy
for Jerry.
He seems… I don't know,
maybe I'm projecting,
but kind of lonely, I think.
Is there a question?
You know him quite well.
As much as anybody could, honestly.
Well, you find him…?
- Enigmatic.
- Right.
- Yeah!
- Inscrutable?
- Yeah.
- He's an island, honestly.
- Is he?
- He really is.
He's very isolated,
and he chooses to live that way.
That's what I mean. That's
the loneliness I'm talking about.
SHE SIGHS
He's choosing to live his life
the way he is.
He could choose differently.
Can we start making pancakes?
I'm hungry.
- Yeah, we could do any time.
- That'd be awesome.
- Absolutely.
GRETCHEN LAUGHS
One and a half into the flour?
No. Read the directions.
Well, it says, "Beat in remaining
ingredients,"
but beat into what?
I'm worried about these pancakes,
honestly.
Me too.
- So that's six teaspoons.
- Yeah.
- That's a lot.
So, two tablespoons, yeah.
They're going to be, like,
that thick.
Yeah.
Mm…
I'm going to miss you.
I don't want you to go.
- I don't want to go.
- You should stay here.
- Yeah?
SIMULTANEOUSLY: I love you.
THEY LAUGH
JOE LAUGHS LOUDLY
Joe, keep it down!
LAUGHS:
I'm sorry!
Are they laughing at us?
There's nothing more annoying than
other people having fun.
Hey…
- There we go.
- Thank you.
- Muffin?
Yay, big muffin, yay!
- Could you pass a pancake or two?
- I can.
I wonder if Jerry knows
what he's missing out on.
Where's Jerry this morning?
What's he doing?
Um, he sent a good morning text
and told me he loved me,
and he and Piper usually
have breakfast
and then he takes her to dance.
With breakfast on the table,
I had a moment to reflect.
It was a domestic scene both
strikingly unconventional
and at the same time,
bearing all the hallmarks
of a big happy family.
A little later, it was time
for Heidi to head home.
Charlie, Mama's leaving.
- I love you.
- MUFFLED INDISTINCT SPEECH
Thank you for everything today.
- Lovely to see you.
- Lovely to see you.
Say hi to Jerry and Piper from us.
- Yes, absolutely.
- Please.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
With one partner gone, it was clear
something was eating at Joe.
- How are you feeling, Joe?
- I'm OK.
- Are you pining?
- Yeah.
- For real?
- Yeah.
- Why are you pining?
Because she's not here.
Because Heidi had to go home,
and that's always a hard transition.
Cos there's something about Gretchen
here being under one roof,
Heidi here being under one roof,
there's this kind of very,
for me, personally -
granted not for everybody -
but for me personally,
this very idealised version
of what our relationship could be.
In your ideal scenario, you would
have everyone under one roof?
You'd all live in the same home,
the big family?
I think that is not the way
that would look at all.
I think that Joe
isn't being realistic,
because when she's home,
she's Piper's mom first,
and she's Jerry's wife second.
So…
And then to be Joe's third,
that's not the her
that I'm used to having.
He's used to having 100%
of her attention,
so I think that it's a lovely idea
in theory,
but in practice, it would not
be the house that he would want.
The dream just became
a crumbled ruin!
THEY LAUGH
It went from a glittering palace
to a crumbled ruin.
Yeah.
I left Gretchen and Joe's
questioning my preconceptions
and feeling a little confused.
There was no doubt of Joe and
Heidi's love for each other,
and Gretchen seemed happy
with the arrangement,
but Jerry's role was harder to read.
Joe's dream of a big multi-partnered
family all living under one roof
tends not to be how most
people do poly.
DOOR BELL RINGS
But there are few who make it work.
- Hello!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Come on in.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Good to see you, Nick. This is cosy.
- Yeah!
Amanda, Nick and Bob, all of them
workers in tech and engineering,
have cohabited as a throuple
for the last three and a half years.
If it's not intrusive, would you
show me your place a little bit,
your beautiful house?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
So, in here, this is our bedroom.
- Now, isn't that nice?
- Yeah.
So you, actually, each of you has…
Our own blanket system.
- …your own blanket system!
- Yeah.
That was well phrased.
But who goes where, if I may ask?
Uh, I go in the middle, and then
Nick is on my left side
with the dinosaur blanket.
And then, Bob's over on
the right side
with the brown and blue blankets.
Nick and Bob, would you join us
in here
so we can visualise
that arrangement?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not going to get under
the blankets - that seems excessive.
On a nightly basis,
this is how you are arranged?
Yeah.
How long have you been
doing it's like this?
- Since we moved in here.
- Three years?
- So this is not a trial arrangement?
- No.
- This kind of works.
- Yeah.
- It works great.
So what about, if you are
kind of keen to cuddle -
and I don't use that as a euphemism,
I just mean cuddling.
No, no.
In the night, with Amanda,
but you find she's cuddling Bob,
right…?
Then I'll just cuddle
Amanda cuddling Bob.
You usually have the big spoon
and little spoon
when you're sleeping,
and you've got people spooned up
to each other.
You've got the little spoon
and the big spoon.
And so, if it's like this,
then Nick can just come
and join…
Join in.
…cos he could
easily cuddle me.
But if we had switched,
and, like, using your same example,
if I was being the little spoon
this time around,
and Nick wanted to join in…
I can still…
He can do this.
Or he can kind of butt up to me…
I can switch around and be cuddled.
…and I can be
the middle spoon, as it were.
Yeah!
And then, if we can broach
the subject
of more intimate
physical engagements,
do they take place here as well?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How does that work?
He leaves for work
first in the morning,
so Bob and I are alone for an hour
five days a week.
And then he gets home later
from work, so Nick and I are alone
for an hour every day of the week.
It sounds like, um…
it could be tiring for you?
THEY LAUGH
I mean, it could be.
The three of our sex drives
line up pretty well,
so we don't have much issue
of not feeling satisfied,
where we would want to seek out
someone else for that.
Do you ever…?
LOUIS SIGHS
I'm trying to find the right way
of putting this…
Do you ever involve all three
of you in that type of activity?
At the start, it definitely was,
like, most of the time,
it was all three of us, cos that's
what we thought
we were supposed to be doing,
and it just worked better
that it was just…
- Two at a time.
- …two at a time cos…
Three was…kind of awkward
sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
Can you be any more specific?
Um… Bob…lasts a really long time
in bed.
I don't.
And so, like, when we started
and it was all three ways,
I always had to go first,
because if I was waiting for Bob
to finish, I'd fall asleep.
THEY LAUGH
And so, at the start, I would
finish, and then I'd go downstairs
and play video games for a while,
and then, like, go and get lunch
and come back
and eventually Bob would be done.
But I also know that I'm better
at the foreplay than Bob is.
Yeah.
And I like it more, and
so it balances out like that.
Yeah.
Amanda, Nick and Bob,
the IT workers, seem to have found
an almost technical solution
to the management
of their relationship,
applying their engineers' minds
to the most emotional aspect
of human life.
Do we know whether
we have a boy or a girl?
We're letting ourselves and everyone
else be surprised.
It's nice, isn't it?
Yeah, definitely.
A world away, in the constellation
around AJ and Matthias,
change was afoot.
AJ had struck up a new relationship
with a software developer.
They'd met at a class she was
teaching on how to use sex toys.
His name was Q.
- Hello.
- Louis.
- Hi. Nice to see you.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- You must be Q?
- That's right.
- How's it going?
- It's going well. How are you?
Yeah, nice to meet you.
- You finally got a nice Oregon day.
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Do you…?
That's nice. You like him, OK.
Look, they're billing and cooing.
I just love this little curl
that goes right there, it's so cute.
I just like him.
I like you too, babe.
What's your relationship at
this point?
Would you say you're in love?
Yeah. As soon as I laid eyes on you,
I think.
I'm going to cry.
Yeah, I think…we're definitely
in love
and we're just taking things one day
at a time.
There's a lot of big changes
coming up.
I'm going to have a baby
in less than three months.
Do you think Matthias has
found it difficult
having Q in the picture?
SHE SIGHS
I think that it's been an adjustment
for him as well,
and I think he's happy for me,
but he's also nervous
about the timing of someone new
coming in right now.
I mean, from the outside,
a conventional view would be,
oh, well, you've fallen in love
with someone else,
therefore you have fallen
out of love with Matthias, right?
Not at all.
I'm so far past viewing things
that way, that I'm like,
I have to remind myself that's
the way that most people view love.
But, for me, falling in love with Q
has…just fills my heart
with such awe and wonder,
so it's actually done the opposite,
it's made me fall more in love
with both of them.
Our hearts can hold love
for more than one person at a time.
Because we love multiple children,
we love multiple friends,
you know?
Romantic love is just another form
of love
and it's the one that people
freak out the most about,
because I think people are afraid
of being replaced, in a way,
or being left for the new person.
It's like Woody
when Buzz Lightyear comes along.
Yeah, exactly. I love Toy Story.
Yeah. It's a good analogy.
A little later I visited Matthias,
AJ's OTHER other half,
to find out he was adjusting
to having Q in the picture.
This is poly now,
this is the real deal.
- You're in it.
- We're right in the middle of it.
- You are in it.
- Polying around.
That's a good way.
- What goes on in there, then?
- That's the chicken coop.
- God, they've got a nice coop.
- Right?
- I'd like to live in that.
- I know.
So, part of poly is kind of enjoying
the pleasure
that your partner experiences
with his or her other lovers.
Compersion, yeah.
So, in that respect,
has it been enjoyable for you to see
how in love AJ is with Q?
That's a good question, Louis. Um…
I think, theoretically,
the answer is yes.
But again I don't actually…
What about really…?
Don't speak theoretically,
let's talk about the real world.
Look into your heart -
is it making you happy?
It makes me happy to see AJ happy.
- It does.
- OK… Yes.
It makes me happy to see AJ excited
and curious and…
I feel like you're…
…upbeat.
I feel like you're are a tiny bit…
…dodging the question, a tiny bit.
Mm-mm. No. No.
I think there are sides of it
that I think are really sweet.
Sometimes I'll catch them stare
at each other or just kind of do
this, like, hand-eye contact
thing they do,
which is, for the first time,
was like a little intense
to witness, for sure.
But, inherently, it is adorable.
It is just INTENSELY adorable
sometimes,
sometimes it feels overwhelming.
- Too adorable?
- Yeah, yeah, that can be a thing.
Yeah, sometimes it can just feel
overwhelming, but, you know,
that's the thing about polyamory,
it's got its ups and downs
and middles, and I've been right
in the middle
for the last sort of two weeks-ish.
Are you struggling?
Because to have a baby coming,
and then have your…
…the mother of the baby
involved with someone else,
who she's now in love with…
Mm-hmm.
…it's a lot to deal with.
I would have thought, for anyone.
Yeah, I'd agree, it's a lot.
It feels… It's a lot feelings.
Has it crossed your mind to say…
you know,
"This isn't working for me
right now"?
- Oh, no.
- You can't really do that?
No, you can't really do that,
by essence.
Why not?
Cos then why are you Poly, right?
Right, that's part of
what you sign up for.
What do you think of all of this?
It feels as though,
with love and relationships,
there's no…perfect way of
doing things
and, you know, the idea that you can
avoid pain is illusory.
And, with poly, you're managing
this constantly changing equilibrium
and there's feelings of insecurity
and jealousy,
and from the outside, I feel
I'm trying to figure out
who is getting more
and who is getting less.
It's funny business.
Q was very nice about you,
I've got to say.
That's what I said, he's a very nice
person, he's very sweet.
He's just got good taste in people.
Hmm…
He could be around
the whole rest of your life.
- Yeah.
- And that's something to think about.
Nuts! It's crazy, huh?
- Your brother-husband, if you like?
- Sure.
- Know what I mean?
- Sure, yeah. I mean…
…it's like sister-wives,
but transition, you know?
Yeah, brother-husband, yeah.
ALL CHEER
That night, some of the co-habiting
residents of the eco homestead
had invited me to a costume party.
- Thanks for driving us, Louis.
- My pleasure.
- Yeah, thank you.
You notice I didn't drink
any of the tequila?
I did notice…
That took a lot of self-control
on my part.
Feeling a little under dressed,
I entered the spirit of
the festivities as best I could.
Matthias, formerly so vulnerable,
now appeared to have put
his cares aside.
His stress and anxiety,
for the moment
offset by the consolation of
one of his other relationships.
By now, I felt I had a reasonable
grasp of how poly worked,
but I was still curious how couples
handled the tricky transition
of opening up their relationship
for the first time.
So, we'll start off with a little
bit of character, role-play.
Grrr!
LAUGHTER
I'd wondered if Amanda, Nick and
Bob might help,
so I'd scheduled session
of Dungeons & Dragons.
I am Gur Forsoot,
and I am a barbarian fighter.
Half-orc, chaotic neutral alignment,
and, erm, I like walks
on the beach at night…
I wanted to find out how,
as college sweethearts,
Nick and Amanda had first brought
Bob into the relationship.
When this all came up and you
realised you had feelings for Bob,
how did you present it to Nick?
Really matter of factly,
if I remember correctly.
She said she wanted to go for a walk
and talk about stuff,
and I honestly thought
she was going to break up with me.
So I was sad.
Um, but I go on this walk and she
starts stoic monologue about how,
from her point of view,
I was doing everything right,
but she started to feel this…
Missing…
…missing…
…piece.
And then she was like,
"Here's all this stuff,
"I think I'm poly,
that's what it means,
"that's what it means between us."
So you presented this
and concluded by saying…
I concluded by saying that,
"I think what I want
"is to have a relationship
with Bob as well as Nick."
Yeah.
But I understand that that's
not what Nick signed up for,
and if Nick wants to stay with me,
I will do my best to stay
with him and only him.
So you gave Nick the option, you
say, "We can try and make it work
"just the two others,"
but you worried that…
- It might not work.
- …it might not work, and you said that?
Yeah. I mean, it did take us
about a year to, like, really…
Get into the thick of it.
…iron out all the kinks
of how to make it work.
Do you think you would remain poly
if it weren't for your involvement
with Amanda?
Erm… I'm not poly, in a sense.
- In that sense, you're not, right?
- Yeah.
You've been brought into it?
Yeah, like I'm in
a poly relationship,
but I, myself, am mono.
In a way, you've driven
this arrangement, Amanda.
- Would you agree?
- Yeah.
- Would that be fair?
- Yeah.
And what do you think it is in you
that clicks so well with it?
Being just with one person
in a closed relationship
never felt quite…right.
Are you aware of Bob and Nick
having different kinds of needs?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Nick has more emotional needs.
He and I both have a level
of anxiety,
and so we help each other
with those.
Whereas Bob needs more
physical, touch affection
to show that I care about him.
And you said you get anxiety
as well?
Yeah.
- Are you medicated for this?
- Yes.
I would say I've been depressed
since I was in my teens,
so it's just been a part of my life
for pretty much my whole life.
- How did you deal with it?
- Um…
Self-harm, mostly.
Yeah.
STRAINED LAUGHTER
That's not a great way of dealing
with it.
I know, no.
Have you put that behind you now?
I think so, yeah.
Do you think because you knew
about Amanda's vulnerabilities,
that that would have predisposed
you to be more understanding
when she came to you
about having feelings for Bob?
I don't think so.
Like, I don't…I don't think
I said yes
because she has depression
and anxiety.
But I think that helped me
know that this was important to her
and this wasn't just a whim.
Is there no part of you that just
would like to be enough for Amanda
in the same way that she is enough
for you?
Um, once…I kind of learned that
that doesn't have to be the case,
it makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, I totally understand
that…you know, I'm not…
…you know, everything that
you need. That's a lot to ask.
But you're an awesome
and amazing woman.
So, like…
…there's a little part of me
that's like…
…"I wish I could be everything
"that you need…
to be completely happy."
The level of trauma
in Amanda's background,
while it didn't explain
the urge to try poly,
did help me understand
Nick's acceptance of it.
And it struck me that however
unusual the relationship might be,
it was giving Amanda a double
portion of love and support.
In general, in poly,
I'd noticed that a choice
that might have seemed
frivolous at first,
was in fact driven
by deeper, underlying needs.
But I also worried that there was
often one person at risk
of being left behind.
I had a lunch date with Gretchen.
I'd been thinking about her
arrangement with her husband, Joe
and with his fiancée, Heidi.
I was still wondering whether,
in sharing Joe,
she felt she was in any way
getting the raw end of the deal.
The impression I had
when we spoke before was…
…well, you more or less said
there were issues
in your relationship with Joe.
Yes.
We are having some struggles
right now, yeah,
that have nothing to do with poly.
Some people use this term -
"Oh, Poly is just slow divorce."
Have you heard that expression?
Mm-mm. Never heard that actually.
Do you think
there's anything in that?
No…
Erm, I am 100% committed
to figuring out a way
to make my marriage work.
You know?
But there was a point where Mamma
wanted more time with him.
- Mamma, meaning Heidi?
- Yeah. And we talked about it.
And she wanted him four extra nights
a month,
and I said, "I'll give you one,
"because I want him home."
Erm, so…
And even so, that's probably not
enough for them - they want more.
But, logistically,
it's just it's not sustainable.
I would think, if I was
in your place,
it would bother me, the idea
of my significant other,
or one of my…you know, my wife,
being with someone else.
So let's say, Louis, that your wife
decides
to start dating somebody else,
and while this is happening,
she is happier,
she is more aware of
what's going on with herself
and how she can be fulfilled,
and she comes home and you are
the beneficiary of that happiness.
What is the hard part
from where you're looking at it?
I don't have that.
I want Joe to be the happiest,
most fulfilled person he can be.
And I am not qualified
to do that for him,
nor do I want to have
that responsibility.
I want to be his partner,
I want to be his wife,
I'm the mother to his children,
I want to spend the rest
of my life with him.
But I don't want the onus
to be his happiness is on me.
Right.
Honestly, you're responsible
for you, Louis.
You're responsible
for your happiness.
Despite her mention of
relationship difficulties,
it was plainly Gretchen's belief
that poly was helping
and not hurting the situation.
I wondered if there was something
in the idea of people needing
to take more responsibility
for their own happiness,
exploring pleasure without guilt.
It was time to immerse myself
a little bit.
That night, having called and run it
past my wife,
I joined AJ, Matthias and Joelle
at a group organised by a group
called Sex Positive Portland.
I'm Louis. How do you do?
- Yaz.
- Yaz, nice to meet you.
Dedicated to building deep,
emotional connection,
the group's members are mostly
in non-monogamous relationships.
Details about the event were vague,
but it had something
to do with eating.
- Are you excited?
- I am so excited.
- Are you nervous too?
- No.
Why would someone be nervous?
I don't know, it's just a night
of fun and freedom.
This is just all about pleasure.
Yeah, yeah, pleasure - of the food.
Yeah…!
Well, you know, the food and…
SHE LAUGHS
This kind of events, yeah,
this is my place to go.
I have three girlfriends
and maybe a couple of candidates
for the position as well.
- Really? LAUGHS:
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
Have you done this before?
Well, I've eaten food before.
Have you been fed food before?
Erm, no.
I think you are really going
to enjoy the experience.
You're pretty safe.
We're a good group of people.
That's good to hear that.
I know you Brits are a little…
Uptight?
Is it that obvious?
Yes.
So welcome to my home.
Tonight is the blindfolded
sensual dinner.
As those who have been
to my events here,
the massage a trois or the tantra
events know,
I'm really into
putting together events
where you learn something
about yourself,
where you learn how
to connect more deeply.
This is an L2 event,
so genitals stay covered,
no genital touch, but whatever else
you would like to take off,
feel free to take off.
If you don't have any underwear,
I've got plenty of my own sarongs
up here you can wear.
Givers, feeding slowly,
feeding off part of your body,
but do everything slowly.
Slow is always better.
Advertised as sensual eating,
it soon became clear that the eating
was taking a back-seat
to the sensual.
If you are not turned
on by another man sexually,
then don't have sex with them,
but enjoy touching them.
For the first portion of
the evening, I was among the givers.
And don't get so involved
in the touching
that you forget about the feeding.
But before long, it was
my turn to be a receiver.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready, yeah.
Remember your yeses and your nos.
Fine.
And then, begin.
Human connection is one
of the most precious things
that we can experience in our lives.
This is an incredibly safe
space to explore touch,
to explore sensuality.
The anonymity is a wonderful,
wonderful thing.
Mmm.
Yes, please.
It was all rather embarrassing,
and at the same time,
a little bit liberating.
Just there, quiet.
Kind of sharing the experience
that we've collectively shared here.
For a moment, the idea of a world in
which the currency of sex and love
was more free-flowing
made a tiny bit of sense.
Whenever you are ready,
take off your eye mask.
My time in the world of poly
had taught me that it revolves
around the freedom
to explore relationships
beyond traditional boundaries.
Central to it is taking pleasure
in a loved one
falling in love with someone else.
Compersion.
But I still struggled
with the reality of the idea,
and so I was heading back
to see Jerry and Heidi,
the first couple
I'd met in Portland.
Hi, Jerry, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
Thanks for the sign.
It's lovely, very thoughtful.
Hi, Heidi, how are you?
With his wife so passionate
about another man,
Jerry seemed to personify the most
difficult aspect of poly.
By coincidence, we were meeting
the week of a special occasion.
Now, congratulations,
you had an anniversary, didn't you?
We did, 16 years.
16 years.
- Of marriage.
- Of marriage.
What did you do
for your anniversary?
She's been needing a new TV
so I fixed that up.
He did, he bought me a new TV
for our anniversary.
And a new DVD player, 4K technology.
Oh, nice.
4096 resolution, that's good.
Out of interest, Jerry,
have you had,
in the sort of ten or so years
of doing this,
you haven't been fully involved
with someone else?
Not yet.
As soon as I have a connection
that is mutual,
that is interested in poly
and they agree that this is the
connection we want to pursue,
I'll go for it. I'm all in.
Do you feel you're missing that?
Missing it?
Some days. Some moments
of some days, you bet.
Do you worry about Jerry?
- I worry that he's lonely sometimes.
- Sometimes.
I look forward to meeting
the person he connects with.
Do you think he'd be less lonely
if you were not seeing other people?
I don't think so.
But only you can really answer that.
I don't think so.
I don't derive loneliness from
Heidi's activities with Joe.
You'd like more Heidi time?
Yeah, there's never enough hours
in the day between work,
between home, between parenting,
between…
Ballet, piano…
…piano lessons.
At the same time, I feel like, well,
I think, Heidi, you'd like
more Joe time?
- I would love that.
- With Joe?
I mean, but not at
the expense of family time.
Like, I love these people
and I would love to have more time
with all of them.
Sure.
If Heidi needs more time
with Joe,
I'm going to figure out a way
to give it to her.
Doesn't mean I won't miss her.
Am I right in thinking that maybe
the physical side is not as there
as it might have been at one time?
For whom?
Between the two of you?
It's the same as it's
always been, honestly.
It hasn't changed because of Joe.
You feel your needs are being met?
Yes.
My needs are being met
in this relationship.
But, hypothetically,
if Joe and Heidi said to me,
"Hey, you want to join me?"
I would say sure,
because I'm OK with that.
For a three-way?
Absolutely, without a doubt.
I have no qualms
about that whatsoever.
I'm not suggesting
it will ever happen,
it hasn't yet, but if it
were to be suggested,
I would say, "Sure.
Go for it, try it, see if it fits.
"Let's find out."
What do you think about that, Heidi?
Because I love all
the players in the scenario.
I don't know that that's something
that I would need,
so I don't, I've actually
never thought about it,
to be honest.
How does that feel to you right now?
Erm, surprising.
Like, oh, I hadn't thought
about that, so surprising, I guess.
So…
OK.
It's never come up before?
- No.
- No, not that I recall.
I'm very clear within myself,
it would be fine.
If it would equally be fine for me,
because I am enjoying Heidi
enjoying herself,
to not necessarily be participating
into the meeting…
- Just present.
- Just present.
To see Joe and Heidi…?
That's fine with me,
Heidi is still being pleased.
What do you think about that?
Erm, I don't know.
I don't consider myself a voyeur,
but because it is my wife
and I love her, it's different.
It doesn't sound like you're
going to invite Jerry?
I don't think so.
Let's say for the sake of argument
that Jerry is a little bit lonely
from time to time,
I'm just wondering if you could
alleviate it
but it would mean giving up Joe?
It's so out of the realm
of possibility
that I can't even answer it.
Like, he would never ask that,
I would never leave Joe for anyone,
I would never leave
Jerry for anyone, so it's…
I'm not saying he's asking for it,
I'm just saying that you see that
Jerry is lonely…
At some level.
…and that you feel that, wow,
I can alleviate Jerry's loneliness
but it will mean not seeing
Joe any more,
because I need to give
Jerry more time?
I think we would just navigate
how to give Jerry more time.
But I can't see a scenario
where I would leave Joe.
We kind of operate from
this place of,
I am not responsible
for Jerry's feelings
and he is not responsible for mine.
Now, we can impact them,
we can help with them,
we can do all that, but his
loneliness is not my responsibility.
It's not Heidi's responsibility
to make Jerry happy.
It's Jerry's responsibility.
Forgive me for asking
it so bluntly, are you happy?
I am, without a doubt.
We are very happily married,
I would say.
Without exception.
I am a very lucky man,
I count my blessings and I say
thank you every day.
Would you say you're more fulfilled
now that the poly is in the picture?
Yes.
I don't think I would choose
to be monogamous again.
Aren't you monogamous now?
No, I'm not.
I'm in one relationship
romantically speaking,
at this moment,
but I very much believe…
…that I am polyamorous,
that I am capable of it and I would
love to explore the possibility
when it presents itself,
and it's when, not if, I make
that connection with someone else,
who for me will be a woman,
and it's going to be lovely
and it's going to be
different and unique,
but it's going to be awesome.
A part of me still wondered how much
pleasure Jerry really derived
from Heidi's passion for Joe,
but I also reflected
that there was something touching,
and maybe admirable,
in his willingness to give
Heidi her freedom.
Whether it was compersion
or just a price he was willing
to pay to keep her love.
I'd arranged one last visit.
Hello, how are you?
- Good.
- It's nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you too.
Matthias and AJ were moving
into Joelle's Homestead.
I don't think we need to, like,
film all the boxes.
You're worried about the boxes?
I'm just worried about how, like…
You're doing a film about polyamory
and you're worried about being
judged about boxes?
Like, the baby is coming
in six weeks
and this is the state we're in.
Q had come along to lend a hand.
Hi, Q. Good to see you.
Good to see you too.
That was a nice hug, thank you.
Matthias seemed to have recovered
from his bout of insecurity
towards Q.
Now the constellation was rallying
around in anticipation of the baby
without apparent jealousy
or resentment.
It's part of the dream, in a way,
for the poly family
to all live in proximity, is it?
I wanted to have the aunties
and the uncles
and the metamours and the friends
and everybody.
Being able to share
that space together,
I think that's
the ultimate, for sure.
I'd come to see polyamory
as a way of doing love,
that in promising fulfilment, brings
with it inevitable complications.
A life lived
arguably more dangerously,
but with more rewards,
where the possibility of happiness
is inescapably bound up
with the risk of being left behind.
- Good night, Nick.
- Good night Amanda.
- Good night, Bob.
- Good night, Amanda.
Good night, Bob.
I had put too much cheese
on my plate.
I was just getting a lot of cheese.
And then I was getting
more cheese and more cheese.
You could've said,
"Hey, ditch the cheese."
I was being assaulted with cheese.
That's no good.