Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Miami - full transcript

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

( man on loudspeaker ) Ladies and
gentlemen, the captain has illuminated

our seat belt sign

indicating our descent to
Miami International Airport.

Please put your tray tables
and your seat backs

in the upright position.

We'll be landing in Miami soon.

Hi, I'm checking in.



( keys clanking )

I know it's not popular to say,
but I hate balloons.

( woman giggling )

This is bullshit.

Jesus.

I'm sorry, bro,
I didn't see you there.

I'm sorry.

( waves crashing )

( waves crashing )

Hey!

Hey, that's my--
Don't take my chair!

That's my stuff!

Hey!

That's my stuff!



( Louie ) Hey!

Hey!

Buddy, I'm not drown...

I'm not drowning!
Relax.

I'm not drowning!

That guy was taking my stuff, I'm not--
Relax, relax.

I'm not drowning!

I'm not drowning,
I'm telling you!

I got you, I got you,
I got you!

( coughing )

( man ) Is he all right?
( man ) Is he okay?

Hey, come on, bro.

( coughing )

You all right, bro?

Yeah.
Don't be embarrassed, man.

God!
I'll stay here with you for a bit.

Okay.
I'm Ramon.

I'm Louie.

You on vacation?

What?

You on vacation, you--

No, I...

( coughing )

I'm a comedian, I--

I'm working at the hotel,
I'm doing shows.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard
there was a comedian

in the lounge, man.

I'm might have to come check you out.
Okay.

You know, it's good to laugh,
you know, it's like--

it's like a gift you
give people, you know?

You funny?
Are you funny?

Yeah.

Well, then I did a good
thing by saving you.

( coughing )

Yeah, but you know, I...

I wasn't drowning.

I, uh...
Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you weren't drowning.

Totally, man, I got you.

( groaning )

Anyway, thank you very much.

Good night, thank you.

( audience applauding )

Hey.
( Ramon ) Hey, man.

Hey, Ramon.

Hey, I'm glad you came, man.

Hey, man, you were
so funny, like--

So funny, I was laughing so hard, man.
Oh, thanks, man.

Can I buy you a drink
for saving my life?

I'll have Sprite.

Can I get a thing--

Brown shot?
Thanks, man.

So, um...

You from Miami?

Well, I was born in Cuba.
Really?

Yeah, then I came here
when I was a baby.

That's a big move
for a little baby.

( laughing )

I mean my parents brought me
here when I was a baby.

Like on a raft or something?

Or something.

I'm sorry, man.

I-- I know nothing.
No worries, man.

No, that was stupid.
No, no, no.

My Uncle Chavo used to say,

"Dice no se,
entonces aprendes todo."

It means--

Say you don't know
and then you learn everything.

¿ Hablas español?
Well, not really.

I forgot a lot of it,
but we lived in Mexico

when I was a kid.

My dad's Mexican.
No shit.

No shit at all.

My mom's American, but we
came here when I was seven,

just like you.

Well, all right, hermano.

( laughing )

Can I have one of these?

Thanks.

Uh, no, you can't.

What?

No, you can't have
one of my strawberries.

But I already ate it.

I know, that's what--

You asked me if you could
have one and I said no,

so you just ate a strawberry
that you can't have.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing?

This.

I'm going to a big party
with good music, good food,

Cuban style.

Pechuga a la parilla.

It's gonna be a good time.
Great.

So come on, let's go.

What, me?
You.

No, man,
I don't want to--

You don't want to what?
Have a good time?

Come on, man, I'm gonna show
you Miami, like, for real.

You're really inviting me?
I'm inviting you.

Okay.
Yeah?

Yeah, all right.

Let's go.

Now?
Like right now.

Okay, all right.

( Ramon ) Louie.

Louie, ¿ cómo está?

Hey, Santiago.

Myron, Myron...

( Ramon ) Mama, Mama.

Louie... Louie!

Ay, qué sudado está
el americano.

Oyeme, ¿vas a comer lechón?

Esto es mojo, platanitos, lechón.

¿Algo de tomar, mira?

Dale, dale comida.

Te voy a presentar un amigo.

Se llama Louie.
Si, ¿Louie?

Si.
Ven aca.

Louie.

Un amigo es un hermano

y un hermano es uno mismo.

¿Me entiende?
Si, yes.

( laughing )

Lo vemos.

Thank you, thank you.

Vamos, pues!

Hola.

I see what you're doing.
Hey, Ramon.

I got no moves.
How you liking it, hermano?

Oh, it's-- it's great.

I mean, you took me
here and let me

meet your whole family, man.

Thank you, I appreciate it.
Of course, man, it's my pleasure.

How you liking the real Miami?
Oh, it's amazing, man.

I never-- in fact,

I've been coming to Miami for
20 years, I never saw it.

Not like this.

It's kind of like
those people up there.

Some of them been living there
their whole lives

and they've
never seen where I live.

And you look up and then you
see 'em on their balconies

and they're alone.

And you kind of feel sorry
for 'em

because they're alone, you know?
Yeah, I know, I know.

Anyways, man, how--

Where'd you--

Where did you get the balls
to be a comedian?

I gotta admire that.

Shit, I got a show.

I got a show in, like, half an hour.
Of course you got--

I gotta-- Let me call a cab.
No, no, no.

Hey, hey, Benny!

Benny, you got a car, right?

We gotta take Louie!

Out of the way!

( all shouting and hollering )

( whistling )

Here we go.
Here we go.

( all hollering )

Hey!

Tú con curvas y yo sin frenos!

( all laughing )

( tires screeching )

Oh, shit, oh, oh, oh!

( whistling )

( all ) Hey!

( all laughing )

Oye, Louie.

Suerte esta noche, brother,
tírate.

Okay, muchos pantalones, man.

( laughing )

Hey, man, I made it.

Couple minutes to spare, so thanks.
Yeah, that's good, man.

Thanks for coming, you know?

Hey, this is my
last show tonight

and then I go home tomorrow, so...
That's too bad.

Well, you know, life goes on.

But you know what,
it was nice to meet you.

And I wasn't drowning,

but I'm glad you saved me.
Yeah.

And it was good to know you.

Thanks for making me laugh.

Hey, okay.

Have a good one.
Okay.

Thanks, man.

Hello?

Hey, Janet, it's Louie.

What's up?

Well, I'm in Florida.
Right.

You're coming back
tomorrow, right?

You're gonna pick up the girls?

See, that's the thing,
I--

If you can't
do this, it's okay,

I just was wondering if maybe
you could keep the girls

an extra couple nights.

Um, yeah, shouldn't be
a problem.

Are you stuck down there?

No, I just--

I'm just thinking of staying
a couple days more, that's all.

And again, if you can't do it,

I'll pick up the girls
tomorrow.

I'm just checking.

Oh.

You met somebody.

What?

Oh, you met a girl

and you want to stay down
there and be with her.

That's fine.

No, that's not what's
going on here.

Well, why else would you
want to stay down there?

You hate Florida.

You met someone.

I didn't-- I mean,
I met somebody, but not--

Oh, see?

Good for you, Louie.

We've been divorced
for three years.

You don't have to
hide that shit from me.

I'm glad for you.

Stay in Florida for a couple
days, I'll cover for you.

Enjoy your new someone.

Hey.

( Ramon ) Hey, man.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

I thought you left today.
No, I changed my flight.

I'm going--
I'm staying 'til Wednesday.

Okay.

Cool.

You going for a swim or...

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm on break so I'll join you.
Okay, all right.

( laughing )

Let me get back in the chair.

Okay, man, yeah.
All right.

Have a good one.
Yeah, you too.

Ramon.
Hey, Louie.

Hey.
What's up?

Hey, how you doing?
Good.

What are you--
You wanna hang out?

What are you doing?
Yeah, uh...

I got an idea.

Let's, uh, let's grab a drink.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Louie, can I--

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

It might be a little weird

kind of question,
but it's--

It's just I been--

Why did you stay here longer?

Oh, why-- why did I--

Yeah.

Well, I, you know...

I just...

Okay, you know,

to be honest, I just wanted to

spend more time, you know,
hanging out and--

Yeah, see--

That's what I thought.
Yeah, but-- but-- but--yeah, but...

Look, I know what--

I know what-- I know what--
I know what you're asking,

but-- but--

No, no, no, no.

I mean, it's cool.
Yeah, yeah, no, no--

It's me, it's just that...
Yeah, but--

It's just that I,
you know, I--

Yeah, but I'm not--

I'm not--
Okay.

Like, I don't--

Like, I don't judge anybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, me neither, it's not--

And I'm not--

Okay, first of all, I have
zero anything, okay?

Okay.

I guess what--
the thing is is just that--

I feel like--

See, see?
No.

I'm gonna stop you there.

Okay, thank you.
Look, man.

What--
My Uncle Chavo, right?

Yeah.
When he said all men are brothers?

Mm-hmm.
Cool.

It's true, man.
Right, right.

And honestly,
you're a great guy.

You're a great guy.
Cool, fun to hang out with.

Same to you, you know.
It's...

It's just... be yourself.

You know what I mean?
What do you mean?

No, what do you mean?
Be myself?

Yeah, like...

All right, I got this
cousin Manny, right?

Oh, no, no, yeah, but that...

Ramon... I'm not...

I...

You-- you--
I just--

It's-- it's not--

It's like I don't know
if I've ever--

I don't know
that I've ever--

I'm not trying--
I'm not trying anything to...

And I don't even--

I mean, I'm not--

I mean, dude.

Okay, you know, no, I know.

I'm-- hey, man, y'know--

Yeah, okay.

All right, uh...
Okay.

I don't take anything back.

You know what I mean?
Me neither, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
It was fun, it was cool, you know what I mean?

And you're a good dude and I wish you the best.
Yeah, you too, man.

Hey, man, me too.
Yeah.

Yeah, man, thanks a lot.

Cool, man.

Yeah.
Okay.

Take it easy.

( Louie ) Heterosexual men have a big
burden that we put on ourselves

which is that we want to be
identified as heterosexual men.

We're the only ones that care.

We're the only sexual group
that gives a shit

that we are not mistaken
for anything else.

Nobody else cares.

I don't know any women that are

worried someone will think
they're a lesbian.

I've never heard a gay guy say,

"Everybody's gonna think
I'm straight."

It just doesn't happen.

We're the only ones that care,

and it's a drag
for us because we--

There's a lot of things
that we maybe could do

that might be nice

but we can't 'cause someone
will think we're gay.

We can't even
throw some words around.

You can't really throw
"wonderful" around so much.

You can't say "wonderful"

unless you say it, like,
in a gay voice to be funny.

"Oh, it was wonderful."

Like, you can do that
and "ha-ha-ha,"

like I would
ever really say that.

No, but it was wonderful,
it was.

I can't just say
that about anything.

No, that strip club
was wonderful.

It was wonderful.

Oh!

Buddy--
buddy, I'm not--

I'm not drowning,
I'm not--

( Ramon )
Big waves, relax, buddy, relax.

I'm not drowning, I'm telling you right now.
You're almost there.

Okay, stop, freeze, freeze,
Miguel, freeze.

Get ahead of us,
get ahead of us.

Get ahead of us.

Ready, ready?

Everybody get ahead of us,
including Sean.

Ready?
Yeah.

Tell me when you're ready.

You ready?
Go.

Ready?
Yeah.

And... action, guys!