Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Daddy's Girlfriend: Part 1 - full transcript

After Louie's kids put pressure him to find a girlfriend, he finds a potential prospect at the local bookstore.


♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

The ten-year-old
is more complicated.

She asks me a lot of questions,

I have to sort of
be ready for them.

She asked me,
what is prejudice?

They told her in school
to ask me.

Well, they said
ask somebody in your life.



And so she asked me.

She said, what's--
What is prejudice?

And I was like, "Well..."

And she's like, ugh,
why did I ask you?

Jesus Christ.

This is gonna be a nightmare.

So I told her prejudice is
that you judge before,

Pre-ju-dice.

Pre-judge-sadiz.

You judge before--
That's what prejudice is.

You judged before
you knew any--

You say,
ah, he's gonna--

'Cause he's one of those,
so he's gonna...

That's prejudice.



And she asked me,
have you ever been prejudiced?

And I was like, oh.

Oh, oh my.

Oh, well, I wasn't prepared
for such questions.

I said--

You've got to examine
yourself once in awhile.

You can't just-- just--

You can't just go,
"I voted for Obama,

I can't be prejudiced,
it's impossible."

You have to
still check yourself.

What have I done lately?

And I-- well, I've had
prejudice, like, that's diff--

Like, I want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.

I don't know her, but I--

I never met her
or saw her in person,

but I-- I just know.

Come on.

I just know that that would be
the greatest thing

that ever happened to me...

and the worst thing that ever
happened to her, but...

I don't even jerk off to her,
that's how much I like her.

But I don't-- I just know.

I just--

I still just jerk off
to that wedding album

I found in the garbage, but...

So what is it, then?

It's a ty-ranny.

It's-- It is a tyranny.

Whoops, tyranny.

You can say ty-ranny--

I didn't mean to correct you,
I just said it

differently than you--
you can say ty-ranny.

Okay, so I want to say that.

But most people say tyranny.

Tyrant, tyranny.

- Tyrannical.
- That's why--

That's why I say "ty-ranny,"
'cause it's "tyrant."

Tyrant, ty-rannical.

I think there's a good argument
for that,

- for just matching them up.
- Yeah.

Why are you changing the vowel,

- just 'cause you're using different--
- Yeah.

I'm not sure why they do that.

Just want to make it
more confusing.

Hey, what's that for?

'Cause it's tax.

Why do I need to pay you tax?

Because.

Because without me, you wouldn't
be able to have it.

See, I'm taking ten percent.

That's what you're paying.

It's pretty good, by the way.

Don't take my
ten percent of my food.

Then you get the rest.

You can eat--
You're fine on that.

Daddy, what's a blimp?

It's like a big balloon.

Mommy's friend, Patrick,
said he was on a blimp once.

Yeah, he said it was scary.

Mommy's friend, Patrick?

Yeah.

He's pretty funny.

Daddy, when are you
gonna have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

When are you gonna
have a girlfriend?

Come on, get yourself
a girlfriend.

You could date a veterinarian.

We could play animals all day.

I think he just needs
to find the right person.

Exactly.

Okay.

So I know--

I hope nobody here
is deeply religious.

If you are, please just rest
in the glory

that I am wrong.

I, uh...

My mom is very religious
and I like to leave her messages

on her voicemail from
the Baby Jesus.

Hi Mommy, this is Baby Jesus.

Jingo, jingo...

"Maria, will you stop leaving me
those messages?"

"What messages?"

"The ones from
the Baby Jesus."

"Baby Jesus is leaving you
messages?

Better call him back."

Single lady,
and I do believe in love.

I love love songs.

I do listen to "Love Songs on
the Coast with Delilah."

Where you calling from tonight?

With requests and dedications.

What's your name?
Where are you calling from?

Hi, Amy, calling in from Tucson,
Arizona.

What's going on
with you tonight, Amy?

So you and Matt broke up,
that's hard, that's tough.

Sweetie, what do you want to say
to Matt tonight?

We'll play that for you, that's
"Penny Lover" by Lionel Richie.

Thank you so much.

Enjoy the rest of the show!

- Hey.
- Hey!

Hey, great job, really funny.

Thanks, thanks.

- How are you?
- Thanks.

Good, good.

How are you?

I'm good as well.

You want to--
You want to hang out?

Hang out where?

Uh, we could--

Oh, you just want to come over?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.
Okay, all right.

I'll get my stuff,
I'll-- I'll see you outside.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- You know what?

I'll meet you at the corner,
I'll get--

- Yeah, okay.
- I just don't need--

Yeah, right--
yeah, I gotcha.

Okay.

I'm not really good at
confronting people.

Can I sit there?

I'm sitting here.

Okay, you're a piggy bitch.

That's my magazine.

So do you like
working out a lot?

Yeah, I like working out.

That's cool.

Both my parents died
when I was a baby,

so I never knew my parents.

Can we have sex again
in a few minutes?

Yeah, you like to?

Not as much as I--

That's why I wanted
to try again.

Okay.

Just give me
a little time, okay?

Don't worry, I'll blow you
so you get hard again.

I am just so sick of Ellen.

She makes me
feel bad about myself

and I have been trying to be,
like, more assertive.

- Ellen.
- What?

You fucking bitch!

I am sick of you!

I am sick of you!

Get away now!

I can't believe it!

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Uh-huh.

Do you want to come over
sometime and have dinner?

Like, we'd have dinner?

Are you asking me out
on a date?

No, like if you
came to my place and had--

I would make you dinner
at my place,

and then with
my kids there and...

Go and have dinner with
you and your kids?

Yeah.

Oh.

That's nice.

Why do you want me to do that?

Because I just thought it--
I thought it'd be nice.

You don't want to?

No, I really
don't want to do that.

I do not want to
meet your kids.

- Ugh.
- "Ugh"?

Why do you have to say "Ugh"?

What do you think this is,
like, I'm your girlfriend?

No, I'm--

Just forget it, I'm sorry.

Jesus, now I'm all
dicked up in the head

and it was so simple with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I brought it up,

I'm sorry I dicked you up
in the head.

I'm here for that, and...

and now you're trying to add
features to this thing.

I'm not trying to add--
I'm trying to--

You know what?

- Really forget it.
- Wow.

Really forget it, I'm so sorry.

You really ruined my night,
two ways now.

- You're bad at sex.
- Okay.

You're bad at it,
you're bad at it.

Okay.

- No, it's one thing you're
not good at, Louie. - Okay.

It's like they're sticks
except they've got legs,

so they move and stuff.

- That's so weird.
- Yeah.

I'll see you later, okay?

- Have a great day.
- Bye.

♪ Baby ♪

Bye.

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby my baby ♪

♪ My, my... ♪

I only like it this way.

Is that okay?

Can I help you?

Uh, no, no.

Hey, can I--

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, thank you.

I'm looking for a book
about, uh...

flowers.

Flowers?

You mean, like, information
about flowers or--

Yeah, that's great.

I mean, I--

I need a book about my--

For my kid about flowers,
for a child?

Oh, okay.

I love the kids' books.

- You do?
- Yeah, come on.

How old's your daughter?

She's ten years old.

She's a fifth-grader.

Hmm, flowers, fifth grade.

Is she a serious kid
or does she like a funny book?

Is there a funny book
about flowers?

- Yeah.
- Really?

This one's great.

- It's got this really funny character.
- Yeah?

He grows flowers
in his apartment.

- He has soil all over the floor.
- Mm-hmm.

But inside his home
is a garden.

That's perfect.

That's perfect.

Thank you, thank you very much.

- You're welcome.
- That's great.

I still get nervous, it's fun.

That's the fun part
of dating, is you still--

You ask somebody out and then if
she says yes, you go--

You do that--

That tennis-player thing.

Only tennis and golf players
do that fist pump, the--

And it's because they're alone.

It's 'cause
they're by themselves.

If you're a baseball player,
you go to your teammate

and you go
boom-boom-boom, or what--

High-five, all those things.

Hug.

By yourself on a tennis court,
you just--

Louis C.K.!

- Hi.
- Hey.

How you doing?

Did your daughter
like the book?

You know what?

It was kind of little for her.

Really?

Yeah, she's really into kind of
heavy novels right now.

Wow.

Yeah, just really
mysterious and serious.

Just depressing stuff,
man, yeah.

But her sister loved it.

Oh, there's another one.

Yeah, I guess they
keep multiplying.

- How many do you have?
- Two.

I have a six and
a ten-year-old,

both girls, and I'm divorced.

Oh, I think it's great that
you pay so much attention

to what they read

and I think it's great that
you come into a real bookstore

instead of just
perusing Amazon.

Bravo.

♪ Baby my baby ♪

Thank you.

That's-- that'll get me
through the day.

Do you want to get something
for your ten-year-old?

That-- Yes, please.

Do you have
any depressing novels

about people's heads
falling off?

Terrible things happening?

- Yeah, yeah, come over here for a second.
- Okay.

If you just push this
really hard,

it'll turn into another room.

Really? You're--

No, I think I know
what she likes.

She sounds like me at her age.

- She does?
- Yeah.

You were like--

What's going on with her,
since you--

Well, I don't want to break
the covenant of what it is

to be a little girl,

the kind of things you want
to keep from your parents--

- Oh yeah, sure.
- --And everyone else in the world.

But I will say this.

There are things about being
female that at that age,

it starts coming online.

And so some of these books
take these feelings,

these big emotions,

they let you take them out for
a safe kind of spin, you know.

That's--

That's massively helpful to me

and very terrifying.

Like, deep fear.

Yeah, well, just keep
bringing her the books.

- She'll be fine.
- Okay.

- Has she read this?
- I don't think so.

Okay, give hers, this, but tell
her not to read it at night

because it's too scary.

Oh, well, maybe--

The idea is that she will
read it at night.

It will be like a little
wrongful thrill for her.

That's great.

You are helping me
so much right now.

Wow.

Thank you.

Sure.

Do you need anything else?

No, no, thanks a lot.

This is great, thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ Baby my baby ♪

♪ My, my ♪

♪ I love... ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

Hi.

I'm sorry, I'm a monster.

Sorry about that, I--

- Did Lilly like the book?
- You know what?

I didn't give it to her yet
'cause she's on another one,

so it's next up,
but thank you, I--

Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Uh--
- It's--

- Okay.
- Okay?

Um, let's--

Thanks, I--

I, um... Uh, okay.

You know, the--

This kind of thing is
so awkward and horrible

that, you know,
from your end, it must--

Okay, I'm gonna come out and
tell you, I'm asking you out.

That's what I'm doing.

And please don't answer yet,

because I know you
might have a "no"

cued up in your
head already and I--

But I please--

Will you let me say
a few things?

I...

I know that being a woman
in New York must be hard

because it's basically
disappointing maybe

that you try to be
nice to men as human beings,

and then they respond

by just torpedoing towards
your vagina.

I want you to know
that I'm aware

that you're young and beautiful

and I'm not either of those
things and I--

Part of me knows that as
soon as my lips stop moving,

you're gonna say no,
but I--

Please think of the fact that
it's low-risk, what I'm asking.

You just come out
with me for a drink,

and even if you got up and left

in the middle of the one
drink, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't hold it against you.

So just make a judgment
based on that

nothing horrible would happen
if you came out with me.

I think you're so attractive,
I'm attracted to you

because you're nice
and you're a decent person,

and those are--

And other reasons
you probably want people

to be attracted to you.

And also, you're all
horribly cute.

I mean, you're
cute as hell and I--

I grow on people, women,
when they-- You get--

Some time goes by, you get
past the bald head and the--

I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy.

I've run out of things to say.

Can you just say--
Tell me now, if it's--

Did this work, are you gonna?

I don't date guys,
I'm a lesbian.

I'm just kidding.

Of course I'll have a drink
with you, why not?

Oh, my God, really?

Yes.

I don't choose guys
based on looks.

Made for a really
shitty life for me.

And you're not a troll,
for Christ's sake.

Get some confidence.

I'll have it up and running.

You want to pick me up tonight?

Tonight?

- Yeah.
- At 8:00?

- Yes, please.
- When I get off?

- That'd be great.
- Okay.

Nice job on the asking out.

- Thank you.
- I liked it.

A-plus.

So where are you from?

- California.
- Oh, are you really?

Yes, I am really.

Of course you are.

Yeah, of course I am.

So I'm sitting on the couch
between Kayla and Kendra.

I ask Kayla where she's from,
she says California.

Kendra's like,
oh, yeah, I bet you are.

Kayla was like, yeah,
yeah, I am.

Kendra's like,
yeah, I bet you are.

And Kayla said, yeah, I am.

I like Albert.

The others are okay.

But I really want to go home.