Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - Niece - full transcript

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

You should do your job,
that's what I'm trying to say.

You should do your job,
because it's your job,



because you're
the person standing there

doing that thing,
so just do it!

Do the shit out of it.

Why wouldn't you?

It drives me crazy when someone
has a job that they don't like

so they do it shitty.

What kind of a response
is that?

If you do it shitty,
isn't it worse for you?

Like, I travel,
so I have to--

I need help all the time.

And I go-- like,
I rent a car

and I always
want another one-- I'm crazy.

So I get a car, I'm like,
"I don't like that.

I want another car."



So I go to the counter,
"Can I get a different car ?"

And sometimes I get the person
who's like--

"Why ?"

'Cause I'm a dick!

Give it to me.

Why-- what do you--
what do you...

"What's wrong with it ?"

I'm crazy
is what's wrong with it.

You're-- you're wearing a vest
that matches the building,

just do the thing that
is the point of the place.

"Uhh."

Why ?!

You know why?

'Cause you're 20, that's why.

'Cause you're a 20-year-old
little

and you have no idea
how the world works,

because you think you
deserve better...

you think you're
too interesting a person

to have a shitty job.

Every 20-year-old that
I encounter behind the counter

gives me that look.

"Oh, this job sucks."

Yeah, that's why
we gave it to you.

Because you're 20!

Which is a mathematical
guarantee

that you have no skills

and nothing to offer
anybody in the world!

You're 20!

For two decades, you've just
been taking and sucking up.

Education...

... and love
and food and iPods,

just sucking it up
and judging it.

"Yeah, it's pretty good,

but not really,
I don't like that..."

You've just been selecting

and absorbing shit that
you didn't ( bleep ) earn.

For two decades!

Three presidents,
that's how long

you've just been a burden.

You're like an orange that's
rotting on a tree

and the tree's like,

"Get the-- get--
this thing's crazy."

"Uh, I don't wanna go,
let me stay !"

You're 20,
you've never done any--

If you're 20 years old,
I guarantee you,

you have never done
anything for anybody, ever.

Never.

Yes, you went on
a school trip to Guatemala

and they told you you helped
but you totally did not help.

The guy was like,
I got a mudslide on my house

and now I gotta babysit
a ( bleep ) college kid.

Why do I have to do this?

Jesus.

"Ehh."

Just take her
picture with a shovel

and send her home so she can
put it on Facebook.

"I had an amazing
experience in Guatemala,

"it was totally amazing

and I really helped those
people, I helped them."

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

if you hear a series of
loud noises,

this is from construction
going on at Grand Central.

Please do not be alarmed.

Thank you.

Hey, Carlene.
Thank you for doing this.

I have no choice.

I need to get back
on this train

to Philadelphia right now.

I will be back
for her in two days.

But you're both
staying with me.

That was the plan.
No.

Just her, two days.

Louie, please.

That's not what you said
that you were gonna do.

I was afraid, okay?

I mean, how could I ask you to do this for me?
Well, you're not asking,

you're just apparently doing it.
Louie, I'm sorry.

I need to go to Philadelphia

and I need her
not to go with me.

Just, please.

I don't know anybody her age!

She's 13.

You don't need to do
much for her.

I have to go.

You've gotta be shitting me.

Where's my mom?

She's gone.

Forever?

No, just--
just a couple of days.

Okay.

Hey, hey, excuse me.

Hey.

Amy?

Amy?

Amy, hey...

Hey, listen, you can't...

Please, Amy...

Um, we're gonna
go back to my--

Amy!

Thank you for stopping.

All right.

We need to
make some rules here.

No more running away.

This is a big city

and it's not cool for
you to run away from me.

Now we'rgonna go back to my
place and we'll figure out--

Dude, what did I--

What did I just say,
what did I just say?

What did I-- Amy!

This is, uh, home.

Come on.

Uh... this is
where I live.

I guess you could stay
in, uh...

Lilly and Jane's room.

I don't know
if you remember them.

They were very little
last time you saw them,

but you can be in here
if you want, if you--

Hey, Amy.

Amy, it's been about four hours

and I don't have any--

I haven't heard
a sound in there.

Listen, I gotta know
you're not a dead kid

in my house right now,
so I'm--

Amy?

All right, I'm gonna open
the door, have to come in.

I don't wanna breach a thing,
but I gotta walk in the room,

to be a responsible grownup.

So here's me--

This is me coming in, okay?

Here I go.

Okay.

Oh.

You wanna get
something to--

You want some food or...

We'll get some--

I wanna go to Fontana's.

You wanna go what?

To Fontana's.

It's an indie rock club.

I wanna go there.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I said to leave her alone ♪

♪ You gotta want it so bad ♪

♪ I said to leave her alone ♪

♪ You gotta make her forget ♪

♪ You got a heartbreaking man ♪

♪ He's gonnpush you away ♪

♪ You got a heartbreaking man ♪

♪ He's gonna push you away ♪

Did you like the show?

Hey, listen, do you wanna
get something to eat?

This is-- this is Chinatown.

It's renowned Chinese food
and we could get--

I gotta get you
to eat something.

I'm not gonna die
if I don't eat.

Yeah, you actually are.

Is it true you're a comedian?

Uh-huh.

Can I see you do a show?

No, that's--
that's not a good idea.

Why?

Because yoe say "shit"
and ""

and talk about bad things?

Yeah.

My mom says
all the time.

She screams it, in my face.

Jesus.

I'd like to see your show.

Li, sten, Amy, I don't know
the depth of how bad

things are in
your home and I--

Your mom had a hard life,
all right?

And I know that
that's not your...

I'd like to see a comedy show.

Can I see you do a show?

Yeah, okay.

Come on.

I mean, 'cause this is
New York, right?

So there's a lot
of immigrants, right?

We got a lot of immigrants
here, right?

Yeah, so--

Um... where you guys from?

Where's this
Internet team from?

Holy...

Holy mackerel.

You got the Asian, that's
the leader-- holy mackerel.

It's like--
this is like Benetton.

Hey!

All you need is me, huh?

Where you guys from,
where you guys from?

You guys are smart!

He's-- he's funny.

He's doing crowd work.

That's-- that's easy.

Do you do crowd work?

No, but that's just
a difference--

It's...

Bro, pass the high five.

I'm going on next.

Just, I'll be--
I'll see you after.

Oh, no...

Friends?

What is this?

"Friends that really don't
wanna be friends" night?

All right, you guys,
good night, everybody.

I'll see you guys.

Thank you very much!

Peace, I'm out of here,
New York!

Godfrey!

Godfrey!

Mother...

Godfrey in the goddamn building,
everybody!

The next young man
making his way to the stage,

very funny comedian, you've
seen him all over,

give some love
to Louie C.K!

Thank you very much.

Thanks, hi, how are you doing?

I-- I--

You guys look like
a nice crowd.

Where you-- Ma'am,
where are you from?

I already told the last comedian

and he made it really funny.

Oh, he did?
Yeah.

Okay.

Where you from, sir?

Southern California.
Southern California?

That's...

Uh, so...

This is a falafel.

It's Middle Eastern food.

I gotta get you
to eat something.

You can't...

So, Amy, you go to school?

You play any sports?

How old are you, about 13?

Well, Amy, it really has
been nice talking to you.

Um...

I'm gonna go ahead and stop.

You can't talk to teenagers,
especially girls.

It's like they walk through
this door into this dark room

and once they're in that room,
nobody can reach 'em.

It's like
they're deaf and dumb.

They're in the wilderness of
hormones and bad ideas.

All's you can do is
look at your watch and wait.

Then at around 16,

they come out and they either
come out people

or they come out whores.

Jesus Christ, man.

What's up, guys, what's up?

How you doing, Godfrey?
Hey. How you doing?

Hi, I'm Godfrey.

What's your name?

Amy.

Nice to meet you, Amy.

All right.

She's my niece.

You from out of town?

Yeah, I'm from Boston.

Boston.

How much do you hate it there?

Very.

Amy, I'm gonna go to
the bathroom now,

so you just wait here, okay?

I'll be right back.

Did you read about Jay-Z
working the party circuit?

... because she invited me
and I knew it was gonna suck,

I knew, like, when I got
the invitation,

you're fine.

It's gonna suck so bad.

... if I let it.

You can't resist it,
though, you have to be like,

let the suck wash over me.

And I'm not gonna resist it.

I totally get you, Amy, I totally do.

It's just that every second,
she has a problem with me.

I can never be myself
and she hates me.

No, no, no, no, no,
she doesn't hate you, okay?

First of all, she's your mom,
all right?

Well, my mom's crazy.

Everybody's mom is crazy.

Serious.

Listen, it's okay, you know,
to push away, you know?

Make some room for yourself,

but don't push too far,
'cause you're gonna need her.

Come 16, you're gonna need Mom.

Ugh.

Ah, yeah.

You're saying, "That bitch
needs to shut up,"

but in three years, you're
gonna be on the phone like,

"Mom, I'm in jail."

"Mom, I need an abortion.

"Mom, come pick me up,

I'm drunk as shit,
I can't drive."

Oh, my God.

I could never
do that with my mom.

You know what, Amy,
you're all right.

Give me some.

All right, I'll see ya.

How did you get her to
talk to you like that?

My girlfriend
has a 13-year-old.

You just gotta learn how to
talk to people

that aren't like you.

It's called empathy, man.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you help me out?

Yeah.

Here you go.
Thank you, God bless you.

Okay, no problem.

You shouldn't do that.
Do what?

Give money to homeless people.

What?

It's demeaning to them.

What's...

How is it demeaning
to help somebody?

Well, you're putting
yourself above them.

It's condescending.

Hey, that guy needed my help
and I gave it to him

and now he can go eat,

he can-- he can
sleep in a warm place,

he can take care of his family.

You only gave him a dollar.

Okay, but it's
a cumulative thing.

It's a lot of people and
I'm one of them, okay--

A lot of-- I'm one of
the people that helps.

You would have him just
staying out in the cold

and getting sick and dying.

You know, I don't know
where you got this shit from

because you're mother's
a liberal freak,

so I don't know
how you got this way.

It's a damn shame, though.

My dad told me that people
who do charity

do it to better
themselves, not others.

Yeah, and then
he ran out on you.

I'm tired, can we just go home?

All right.

Sorry.

Hello?
I'm calling from Mercy Hospital

in Philadelphia.

We're holding a Carlene Walter,

I believe she's your sister.

What happened?
Sir, she's being held under observation.

We were told to contact you.

Yeah, I have her--
I have her daughter.

I'm-- She's my sister
and I...

Her daughter's with me
here in New York.

All right, well, that's
what we needed to confirm.

What-- Is she okay?

What happened?

She was in a public fountain
acting irrationally.

Oh, my God.

What do I do--
what do I do with her kid?

Do you know how to
contact the father?

No, he's-- he's a bad guy,
he's gone.

Well, if you're
the next of kin,

you should retain custody of
her until her mother is well,

unless, of course, you're not
capable of caring for her.

No.

She'll be okay here.

Let me take some information
from you

so we can further inform you

and coordinate your
niece's care.

I'll need your address,
your place of employment

and any information you can
give us about her mother.